1 Captions by Faith Hamblyn. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2016. ROCK MUSIC MUSIC FADES BASSY MUSIC You have to be the most patient human being on Earth to have a special-needs child. Each one of the kids has some deficit in learning. So we have some of the kids with severe ADHD, and then some of them with real, true autism, and each one of my kids has a little taste of something. Dad, I'm a teenager. I don't wanna get looked at by you. And Matt's as well, both of his children are on the spectrum ` we've all admitted that. When I met Matt, I had four kids, he had two. It was literally probably the first month we were together that somebody said, 'You guys are the Brady Bunch of autism.' I mean, it's crazy. And that stuck. It really stuck. ROCK MUSIC PEACEFUL MUSIC (GROWLS) Can you put a piece in for me? 'We're here in the San Fernando Valley, which is really centrally located for all of our kids. 'This year we have six children in six different schools. 'But we have black mould, and so we have to relocate. Our issue that's really been kind of, um, 'a complicated one is finding a house that can accommodate,... 'um, a family of eight and still be reasonably affordable.' Will, you have a jacket? Yeah, it's my room. I have a leather one. PEACEFUL MUSIC CONTINUES I look like an actual man in this. We're missing the two bigger boys this weekend, and Jake actually might be in town this afternoon, we're hoping, but Max is in, um, Sacramento with his debate team. That's pretty rough. Well, I'll tell you ` on top of all of our move that's going on, my mom had a stroke two days ago in Orange County` no, not two days, four days, and I've been going back and forth to Orange County, so I'm just living on pure crack right now. I'm kidding about that. (LAUGHS) And that's why we're moving right there. Yeah, we have black mould. There was, like, a deep, deep crease, and it just... And we used to have black underneath it. > Yeah, but, I mean, the crease was, like, you could tell it was, like, deep. And it was as deep as that, just the first crease, and it's just gotten worse and worse and worse. One of the long-term effects of the mould is the glands, the swollen glands, and it's hard to be an effective mom when you're tired all the time. Wolf, let's go, man. I couldn't imagine anything could be more stressful than last year, with my dad passing, but this has really capped it, I think. You know, time is not on our side, so we're really rushing this move. GENTLE MUSIC There is different levels, and we have literally one of each. There are many beautiful things about autism, many, many beautiful, wonderful, gorgeous things about autism. But,... um, the very stark reality is... that it's going to put some massive hurdles in front of the development of your child. And that is something that is not beautiful. GENTLE MUSIC CONTINUES I don't like you people to stare at me. When there's a diagnosis, you mourn what your dreams were. So, uh, you know, for Eddie, there are certain dreams that you have for Eddie. For Will, there are certain dreams that we had for Will. For Wolf, there are dreams we have. And, you know, I'm not as worried about Wolf, though, but, um, you have to mourn what you... Your preconceived desires for your own child, you have to mourn. Mm. Uh, and then kind of morph it into,... you know, really kind of pushing them in the right areas where they want to be. My life was fundamentally changed when Will was diagnosed. This is kind of personal, you guys. But I have a crush. Her name's Isabella,... and she's in eighth grade. She likes me. It's, like, she comes up to give me a hug. I'm fine with it. Can you please stop staring at me? That creeps me out, Dad. I love you, and I'm enjoying hearing this. No! I'm loving hearing this. > I think there's something beautiful about an individual with autism. I... I think they are... they are unique souls, uh, that have, um... that often have insights into the world and where we live, and, you know, it's incredible. You know, and I love sitting and talking with them. I love interacting with them. And I think I might have a little bit of it myself. You know, are you a gentleman with her? Yeah. Yeah? < Dad, why do you care? Because you're my son. And I want you to be a gentleman. I am. I hold the door open for ladies ` that's a gentleman. I help Nana out of the car ` that's a gentleman. Sometimes I even hold the ladies' room door for the ladies. There's just a world in there that, uh... that I want to access, you know, that I want to be a part of. I could be a ballerina. Wanna watch? I can do a 360. Sometimes it can get a bit hectic. I sort of, like, try to ignore all the, like, drama about, like, 'Oh, we should get this house.' 'No, we should get this house.' 'No, we should get this house.' And I just try to, like,... like, cover my ears and forget about it. A person who has high-functioning autism is called Asperger's. And, um... Right? Well, I think that autism is now the all-encompassing thing. Right. But Wolfie tells people to their face, like, 'Oh, I have autism.' He's what would have classically been, uh, labelled Asperger's when they were labelling people with Asperger's. I've been trying to get straight A's for, like, every single year... and grade that I'm in. And so far, I've been... I've been doing pretty well at that. Even though the last trimester, I got... I got all A's except a B-plus. You know, I know what his issues are already. Cognitively, Wolfie is off the charts. Uh, there are a lot of things I struggle with. One thing in particular is a lot of times, I can get extremely frustrated, to the point at which I, like... I, like... I, like... I, like, stand up, flip over, turn, walk out of the classroom. I don't wanna leave it on much longer. Might just leave it on for another... ...hour. Let's just leave it on for another 10 minutes. I found out about, like... uh, about, like, hair dying, and, like, I've seen it as something very cool through YouTube, cos a lot YouTubers that I watch, like, almost 90% of them do a video, like... uh, like, 'I dyed my hair for the first time.' And a lot of people do, like, blue and red and purple and green, and I'm, like, 'Hmm. I wanna try that.' (HONKS) I see myself as, like, I wouldn't say the popular kid. Handsome selfie man. Here. Uh, being popular is not really what I want; I just want to be respected and have, like, someone to... to turn to if I ever am, like, feeling... if I'm ever feeling down or if I'm, like, struggling with something. I have a lot of responsibilities, being the older sister. Um, I'm... I'm always, like, forced to, like, stay in during the weekends and, like, have to, like, watch Eddie or something. OK, everyone stay with Avivah, please. Avivah's in charge. Avivah's in charge. I could see that, like, just the stress of having, like, obviously, there's a lot of kids in our family with, like, slight disabilities, which is... it really does put the pressure on, like, having to find schools and, like, extra help and having to, like, tend to their food needs and all their little technologies they need, and, um,... you know, it's tough, but I know that, like, Matt and my mom's love is so much stronger than that, and I... I feel like even though they have such hardships,... like, it'll just improve their relationship in the end, make them stronger. Fix the toes. Here, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, fix the toes. Eddie, put this in between this. No, no, no, no, no. Here. There. Now we're good. Come on, Eddie. The slight chance of me having a child with autism ` I feel like I'll definitely just love him the same as any other child that I'll have. Like, yeah, it's scary, the fact that, like, your child could be, like, a little bit different than everyone else, but in the end, we're all a little bit different than each other. And so I feel like... I'll be... I'll be... I'll just love them as much as anyone else, I guess. No. You know that's a bad house. Ready? Argh! That is not cool! I'm not trying to be cool. Will, aren't you hot right now? Yeah. Wait. It's plastic. BIRDS CHIRP Mom? Yeah. Jump in. OK. < OK. I love being in the pool. I know you love being in the pool. It's your favourite thing in the whole wide world, huh? Eddie, you know, he literally can be in the pool all year round. Even if it's 30 degrees out, he'll have a wetsuit on and be in the pool. So thankfully, uh, uh, Grandpa Ed, Zayde, we call him, um, lives just a very few miles away, so we're in his pool at least once or twice a week, thankfully. < You quite dropped it, huh? Can you go get it, Mommy? Mommy, go. < No, you get it. Jump in. OK. < You can do it. Eddie has a very common condition that a lot of the kids have, which is just a lack of, uh... It's almost like puppy syndrome. They just have no cap for fullness. So he could eat a huge meal, and then he'd say, 'I'm hungry,' or, 'What are we gonna eat next?' He's 7 years old, and he weighs 120 pounds. You know, he's a big guy. I'll make you get me a cookie. I know you want many cookies, Eddie. (CHUCKLES) I know, cookies. First do some more exercise before you get your next cookie. (CHUCKLES) OK. Here goes. You get me a cookie. < No, three times. < No, you have to do it two more times. Two more times. I was always the parent who, if my child started crying, I'd pick him up and leave the room and, you know, I was polite, I wouldn't allow my kid to be a brat, but this isn't being a brat. And it can be anything can trigger them. I mean, I'd take them into the grocery store, and I didn't realise, but the fluorescent lights are a trigger for a lot of autistic kids. And because of these tantrums, I was terrified to take them along into the grocery store. And eventually, as I became more confident, and I started to, um... to work with Autism Speaks. And, um, it's funny ` Matt was hired to Autism Speaks the month before Edwin was diagnosed. So my brother, who had been long ` decades ` friends with Matt, he said to me, 'Call my friend Matt. 'He just was hired to this wonderful organisation. I know he can help you and give you advice.' And the first thing Matt said to me was, 'Join a mom support group. Talk to these moms that can give you advice.' And he said, 'I don't really know how to give you the kind of advice that these moms can ` 'I'll just tell you that you're going through the hardest time in your journey. 'And it is gonna get better.' One of the hardest issues special-needs parents have is finding a good support system and a good team. And, um, for me, it was very difficult ` I'm absolutely a Jewish paranoid mom, and, um ` to really trust somebody with my child. And so we've been blessed with this wonderful friend of ours, who I used to work with him, and he has ABA training, and he's just really qualified. But we need two of him. Cos look. That's hard. Well, let's take a look. Let's see what you got here, OK? So, what I do is I come in, and I work with Will, um, helping out with homework, you know, getting to and from places. OK. Well, can I look at it and learn it real quick so I can teach it? Yeah. OK. Every time we do this, it's a little different, huh? Yeah. One thing I do is supporting the family. So it's fun. Will's grown about, like, I wanna say 3ft since I met him, you know? (LAUGHS) And I also work with Eddie as well. I hang out with him, you know? Mainly, I focus on just helping Will with his homework. Mike is really excellent for Will. And, you know, I'm supposed to be starting to work full-time again in the next month or so, so now we're really down to the wire of looking for somebody for Eddie, because Mike is starting to work more, and he's not gonna have as much time. BIRDS CHIRP Not only is he not gonna relocate us,... but we have to pay for the month of, uh, March, even though we're not gonna be here or else we have to be vacated by... whatever three days from now is. I don't want the kids to see that, though. But he said that that's the last step, so... Good. C'est la vie. BIRDS CHIRP The thing that I really didn't agree with my parents is, my dad would always say, 'OK, we're having a family meeting.' And he'd get all the kids together and he'd tell us all exactly the gravity of our situation. And I think... literally, my anxiety started then. ARCHIVE: The sun is up, the surf is up,... and so is the Paskowitz family. And today, as every day, they're going surfing. My mom had eight brothers and I, and the majority of our life was spent in a caravan, going around the United States. Everybody line up. Dorian Paskowitz is a 58-year-old doctor. He's a graduate of Stanford Medical School, who one day decided to give it all up, close his practice, take his children out of school and spend the rest of his life travelling with his family in a tiny camper from one wave to another. My dad was a very chauvinistic, uh,... very egocentric guy. And he expected my mom to be very subservient and quiet and not speak back to him, and I was the polar opposite of that. They used to call me the angry Indian. When I was about 13, my mom contracted a very serious illness. Um, I think, like, 80% of people who contracted this illness died. And so my dad said to us,... you know, 'You kids have to take care of yourselves and each other, and I'm gonna find a cure for Mom.' There was that period from about 12 to 15 that we were left on our own. I was 12 years old when this first happened, and so by the time my parents came back and said, 'OK,' you know, 'we're gonna be parents again,' we said, 'No,' you know, 'our childhood is pretty much over.' I don't know. I think I'm just... instinctively made to handle... a lot of... a lot of... a lot. I mean, I think my childhood has really, um... has really, uh, brought me to the place where I am today and able to exist and not go insane or... take large does of Xanax every day. DOO-WOP MUSIC My dad is a huge figure in our lives. He's very present all the time. So is my mom. But I always tell people and they always ask me how my dad is, and I always say, 'Oh, my dad's fine. 'You know, he's still complaining.' And I always tell them, 'When my dad stops complaining, that's when I'm really gonna be worried.' I like your butch shirt. Thank you. Yeah. Butch? Yeah. Dudley's following me around. What was my dad like growing up, for me growing up? Uh, you know, I think he was a great role model to me, and certainly, many of the qualities that I... that I think are the best qualities that I have certainly came from him and certainly from my mom. Thank you. Um, but, you know,... I think the hardest part about being his son growing up was that he wasn't around much. APPLAUSE CHEERING The one thing I can say about my parents, uh, that's really very much a positive is I... I had, uh... I had a lot of learning disabilities when I was a kid, and, um, they had the foresight to make sure that I got the help that I needed and pushed me in a direction, uh, a very positive direction. And, uh, I think, um, to that, I owe them much. CONTEMPLATIVE MUSIC I, um... I have no idea what kind of father I was. I really wonder what their mother would say if she had to assess... my totality as a father. Um,... where I really find myself up against the wall is with... my youngest, Charlie,... who's autistic. And, um,... I constantly run a wire brush over my body, uh,... checking to see,... uh, how much I've left undone... in terms of putting myself out for him. Uh, I constantly find my insufficient there. Uh, he's high-functioning, so it gives you a lot to hope for. And then when he's tested, you keep hoping, and I kept thinking, 'Well, he'll be discovered to be Asperger's,' but they said, 'No, no, he's high-functioning autistic.' That connection between, like, having two families with autism in it, it just is what brought my mom and Matt together in the first place. They met in the, like, Autism Speaks community, and, like, that's what lead them to be where they are today, and it's the fact that they have autism in their family is what brought them together in the first place. Single moms in my support group say to us, Um, 'Oh, I dream about having, 'one day, somebody to share my life with, but I feel like it's never gonna happen to me, 'because of my autistic child.' Willie, can you help me? (CHUCKLES) Yeah. Here. Here. Go, Willie. 'Just seeing you and Matt and the load that you have and yet somehow you found each other, 'and you've made it work' ` it gave them hope, I think. HOPEFUL MUSIC Autism Speaks started about 10 years ago. I've been here five years, almost five years. It's been, you know, a great 10 years ` uh, lots of progress, lots of awareness, lots of advocacy. They passed insurance legislation in 43 states, helped pass the Able Act, worked with military families, uh, and that's not even mentioning the science that they've done. They've funded more research than the NIH, which is astounding. We're having the walk tomorrow. It's on Autism Awareness Day. And, you know, the walk is really why I'm here. I wandered into a walk seven years ago as a lost dad, and, uh, my eyes were opened. INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS You learn about things. You know, it's an enormous resource fair. It's huge ` you know, like, 100-plus tables of people who are doing these crazy, innovative things in the autism world, wonderful things. You know, and you'll meet a lot of people who are in this for all the right reasons, and they just are incredible people. When you're first ` never mind being diagnosed ` the first step is, what do I do? How do I find my community, my people? This is the best place to start. Because here everyone is here. So any questions you have, they can be answered here. You find that network, that community, but then you've gotta navigate the system. And sometimes on your own as a parent, it's very difficult to understand how to access services, so that's what I do. Unfortunately, there are limited resources. And so schools aren't too forthright in offering you what your child absolutely needs, and that's when you've gotta go find help. I think a lot of families feel that that's the one day of the year that they can all get together and just, kind of, let loose and just relax and not have to worry, and just, you know, if there's a meltdown, who cares? We're all together on this, and no one's gonna look at you strange. And everyone can come to this place and enjoy it and not have to worry. MARCHING MUSIC I thought that I'd ask Matt Asner to come up to the stage, and I'm gonna turn it over to him, so Matt? Thanks, Mark. Hey, everyone. How you doing? Today is Autism Awareness Day. CHEERING And I just... I just wanna say that you guys all helped raise today $1.35 billion, OK? CHEERING And I wanna say... the LA Walk continues all year long, and our goal is a year goal. And we need you to do that with us, so thank you very much. You guys are awesome. CHEERING And I guess, uh... I guess you guys can take a bow. CHEERING And you guys can take a bow! We'll see you next year! CHEERING TINKLY MUSIC 'We don't have a lot of options. 'We've actually put bids on a few houses that I had a lot of hesitancy about. 'And the one that we finally are, God willing, going to settle on, I really feel good about it. 'It's a little more than we wanted to pay, but it has this enormous, park-like backyard. 'And when you have five little boys, three with autism, having enough outdoor space is really paramount.' TINKLY MUSIC FADES Can you hear? Hopefully, you can hear her. PHONE LINE RINGS PHONE LINE RINGS Hello? Navah? Matt? Am I on speakerphone? Yeah. Can you take me off speakerphone? (MOUTHS) Hello? Hi. Hi. OK. Uh, I heard from Lauren. Uh-huh. And, um,... unfortunately,... we're gonna probably have to go down south a little late on Sunday, because we've gotta go sign the lease. What does that mean? (CHUCKLES) That means we got it. Yes! (CHUCKLES) Oh, thank God! (CHUCKLES) Oh my God. Are you so happy? I am. I'm so freaking relieved. Aren't you? What did she say? When do they say we can move? Like, I think immediately. Ohhh. Oh, I'm so happy. I cannot tell you how happy I am, Matt. I think we'll have many happy good memories there. Oh, thank God almighty. All right, love you. HOPEFUL MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES Captions by Faith Hamblyn. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2016. HOPEFUL MUSIC MUSIC FADES DYNAMIC MUSIC