1 # "Can't Smile Without You" - Barry Manilow # You know I can't smile without you # I can't smile without you # I can't laugh and I can't sing # I'm finding it hard to do anything # You see, I feel sad when you're sad # I feel glad when you're glad # If you only knew what I'm going through # I just can't smile without you # You came along just like a song # And brightened my day... # (WOMAN) Stressed? Just relax. (MAN) I understand you can lose keys, your wallet - but a plane? (MAN) Reese, what do you want? We got three out of four planes in. Still a lotta coke. See that? The kinda winning attitude that'll take this enterprise to the top. To be fair, Reese, it wasn't his fault! Are you his attorney?! Why are you in the conversation? Come on, I'm kidding! I'm just kidding with you! He loves to joke. Terrence is right! Hell, three outta four ain't bad. Know what? Let's celebrate. Who wants a beer? Great! 'K. (MANILOW SONG FADES) Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh! Baby?! Coke. It costs money. Planes. They cost money. This yacht. This perm. My kid's braces. All cost money. Think Kitty's free? What?! Kitty, turn around. Reese, please put the gun down. (SCREAMS) The next time that a plane goes down, you'd better be on it. Do my back, please? Sure, baby. Am I tanning weird? No, you look good. Honestly? You're bronzing. # "Starsky & Hutch Theme" (MALE VOICEOVER) 'There's no such thing as a petty crime. No minor infractions.' 'There's only the law.' Freeze! Bay City PD! 'That's me in the leather jacket and tight jeans.' 'See that guy I'm chasing? I hate him.' 'I'm gonna do everything in my power to stop him.' 'Cos it's my job to stop him.' 'And the City pays me a damn good salary to do it.' 'Besides - he crossed the line.' 'And in Bay City, when you cross the line,... .. your nuts are mine.' I said freeze! 'My name is David Starsky. And I'm a cop.' 'I've always had this theory about police work - if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.' No, no! No, no! Money in there! 'Too many cops worry about the wrong thing - crime. Not me, though - I'm looking out for numero uno.' Hey, old-timer - put this on Dallas. Go! 'I'm just a realist, that's all.' 'Besides, do you have any idea how little the City pays us?' Freeze! Bay City PD! Whoa, whoa, take it easy! Guys, come on...! I'm undercover here! Jeez...! 'My name is Ken Hutchinson and I'm a cop.' (Where'd they come from?!) Jesus Christ! You fired three rounds into a crowded intersection! We got an old man with a broken hip and some asshole wants me to buy a new top for his caddy! That purse, it had seven dollars in it. OK. Want my badge? Take it. Fine. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, I was just making a point. David, David... Your mother was one of the finest cops we ever seen. 22 years on the force with the same partner. You... have had 12 partners over the past four years. She died... a legend. I am not... my MOTHER! I'm sorry. Detective Hutchinson is here. Send him in. Have a seat. How you doin', Captain? I believe you two know each other? Yeah. Little bit. How you doin'? Great... Hutch, you've got a lot of explaining to do. I know. I understand. Look, I was trying to infiltrate an East Side gang and work my way up to the big fish. You were robbing a bookie! Right. You've robbed seven bookies in six months, filed no report, turned in no money. You've not even arrested anybody! How can I?! They'll know I'm a cop! Oh, you're in no danger of being mistaken for a real cop. Oh? Get yourself another perm, let the grown-ups talk. For your information, my hair is naturally curly. It's not. It is. That's a perm! Touch it! Hey! Why are you touching him?! Jesus! Y'know something? You two deserve each other. Make nice - you're partners. You're crazy. No, I'm not. Look, I don't know why you're upset. The guy cost us 200 grand - a thank you might be appropriate! Who cares about 200 grand? What if they link us to the murder? They will not. Will you let it go? Take a 'lude or something. Calm down. I did. I'm still pissed. OK, fine, fine. Look, I'm sorry. I promise, I'm not gonna kill Terrence again. Now, pull it together. Let's go. Gentlemen, I apologise about the delay. But I promise you, what we have is worth the wait. It looks like cocaine. That's because it is cocaine. With a twist. You see, we've managed to find a way to alter the cell structure of the coca plant, giving it properties that heighten the perfluoraklylation process, creating a new kind of diazomethane. Gets a little complicated after that. Excuse me. So you get extra-high or what?! Actually, it has all the same effects as regular cocaine. Well, if it's the same, why are we here? Canus familiaris, the German shepherd. Its nose has over 220 million scent receptors. It can detect smells even the most advanced technology cannot. For example. Ivan? Search! Stop. Whaddaya got? Are you holdin'? Huh? He brought old coke. This... is new coke. As far as the dog's concerned, there's nothing there. 100% undetectable pure cocaine. Got no coke smell. Same coke ride. Hm. Tastes kinda sweet. If this shit wasn't illegal, we'd be up for the Nobel Prize. Our initial run is about two tonnes of this stuff. It'll be available for your purchase in three weeks. You boys know who to call. Ivan? (MAN) You don't understand! They're not like you. They're criminals. Look, I know we all got to make living. But these guys are dealing hard drugs in front of my shop! I can dig what you say, Mr Chowdry. But first of all I wanna thank you for comin' in today. Of course. Those gentlemen? They'll no longer be a problem. You have my word. This MY neighbourhood. People tend to forget that. Bee Bee, make sure he gets home safe. Yeah, boss. Thank you, Huggy. You are a great man. Be gone, little Indian. Let's go, little man. C'mon. You're takin' up time. This neighbourhood desperately needs help. It's cold-blooded, Daddy. Who's next? You got Hutch waitin' outside. Whatchoo got my man waitin' for?! Hug, he brought some extra fuzz with him. So what? You get him in here now. What, you've never run an errand on the clock before? No, I take care of my personal business AFTER work. When taxpayers aren't paying me to protect them. Never stopped to buy a coffee? I bring a thermos. OK, Hutch. He'll see you now. Wait here, back in five minutes. # "Dazz" - Brick Second door on the right. How ya doin'? Hi, Hutch. Hey, look what the wind blew in! Huggy Bear. (SONG FADES) Meet my new partner, David Starsky. Hey. How you doin'? Hey. Nobody touches the Bear. Have a seat. Hutch, the usual? You know it. Make it a double. Leon, get my boy a jack'n'tan. And double that. You got it, boss. Hey, I'll get a Seltzer with a little lime. I don't got it. Or not. It's cool. I'm good. I came by to apologise for what happened in Chinatown. I was as surprised as you. Don't sweat it, baby. I wasn't surprised. You know I ain't never surprised. Hey, champ. You got a permit for that weapon? Starsky, please...! Huh? Uh, no. I don't. Yeah. Me neither. I'm sorry, did I say something funny? (INCREASED LAUGHTER) Come on, stop it! He's kidding! I'm not. I wanna see permits or I'm confiscating those weapons. Hey, slow up, man. Round here we govern ourselves. Think of us like... Luxembourg. Ya dig? No, I don't "dig." See, Luxembourg's a constitutional monarchy. An independent sovereign state, established after the Treaty of Vienna. Technically, it's a part of Europe. In reality, they govern themselves. Like us. Just like us. (COCKS TRIGGER) Alright, enough, OK? Whoa, whoa! Shit! Hold up! Hold up! Just chill out! Chill! Watch yourself! Hell, no! Jesus! What, did he shoot Corky? Your boy shot his tail off! Corky lost his tail?! You should keep the thing in a terrarium! Man, what the hell...? What the fuck is that? An artificial eco-system. Designed to simulate Corky's natural habitat. I can dig that, but I say we shoot HIM in the ass. Hell, yeah. An eye for an eye. Whoa, easy. Huggy, help me out. Slow up, fellas. An iguana can lose his tail and grow it back. He regenerates. That's how he escapes his predator. It's true. A defence mechanism. I read it in a magazine. So... him shooting Corky's tail off and us shooting him in the ass - it really ain't the same thing. No, the punishment don't fit the crime. Besides, it was an accident, right? Right. So we're cool? We're always cool, breeze. Lower your pieces. # "Old Days" - Chicago "(MALE DJ) Good morning, Bay City, you are tuned into K-Bay, 93.3 on your dial. This next tune is number eight on the charts and number one in our hearts." "# Old days "# Good times I - (SONG SUDDENLY FAINT)" # Baseball cards and birthdays # Take me back # To the world gone away # Oh, old days # Good times I remember (ALARM BEEPS) # Gold days # Days I'll always treasure # Funny faces Hey, Hutch! (SONG FADES) Oh-h, there he is. What's goin' on, Willis? Same ol' same ol'. So how's life at the clink? (SIGHS) It's not that great. I got some new tight-ass partner that they stuck me with and, then, I don't know... Hopefully, probably won't last that long. Got that 20 dollars you owe me? 20?! Willis, I thought it was five! Hutch, that was my grandmother's birthday money. Give me a break! I just told you, I got a new partner, stuff isn't great for me at the precinct - back off a second! Can I get it to you on Thursday? Fine. But no later. Word of honour. Cute little kid... Oh... Ooh...! It's 10am, you're late. I've been here since eight. Eight? Didn't know this place opened at eight. Don't sweat it, cos crime called in sick - it's gonna get a late start too. Crime called in sick - I like that. So what's on the agenda today? Same as every day - findin' bad guys, bringin' 'em down. Great. Take my car right there. That?! Yeah. What the hell is that? Well, it's like a camper-sized pick-up truck. What's up? We're undercover - that sticks out like a sore thumb. Think so? You're in for a treat. It's not that bad. (SQUEALING TYRES) (POWERFUL REVVING) Whoa! Man, your stock just went up in my book, my friend. Pop the hood, let me see what - Hey! Hot-shot! What are you doing?! This is a Ford Gran Torino, OK? It's not some crappy camper-slash-apartment. There are rules. OK, OK...! You do not bang on the hood. You never, ever drive. Do not put your coffee mug on the roof. In fact, no coffee in the car. Coffee on the ground, you in the car. "(DISPATCHER) Attention, all units, we've got a 61-40 at the marina." Oh, no...! This is Zebra 3, we're on it. 'K? (HORNS BLARE) You gotta be kidding me. No way! What? Floater! Nothing harder to solve than a floater. No prints, body's usually bloated, it's next to impossible. Alright, I say we... push it out, hope the current carries it to the next precinct. What?! Trust me, you'll thank me. Seriously, stop it! The key is not to pop it. Hey! Gotta be ginger. What are you doing?! I said drop the stick. Point a gun at me?! OK, have it your way. Knock yourself out. What are you gonna solve anyway? Gonna solve a murder. (CLEARS THROAT) Monday, June 3rd. Body of a male Caucasian, apparently dumped from the Bay Bridge. Actually, no sign of impact, he was probably dropped out at sea. Could you please not talk while I'm recording? Thank you. Know what? I'm just gonna call the meat wagon. Looks like you punched your last ticket, amigo. I'm sorry, did you just tough-talk a dead body? Lost my flow... Zebra 3 to base. "Go ahead." I'll need a coroner notification, we got a DB down at Municipal Jetty. (CONTINUES TALKING) Found a wallet. Nothing in it. any more and things would've been much worse. . All right, so, this is Tim. 34-year-old male. RTC. Multi-vehicle... VOICES OVERLAP I think about the car crash a lot. I know he caused it and I reacted the best way possible. But it's hard to let it go. SOMBRE MUSIC When I asked what had happened to him, the doctors said he really wore the impact ` any more and things would've been much worse. They said he was lucky ` lucky I wasn't going any faster. Thank you. SOMBRE MUSIC CONTINUES It's OK. MUSIC CONTINUES It's OK. Medium rare. OK? You got it, Starsky. Look at all these cops - you really wanna eat here?! It's a great place! Come on, all of the cops eat at Pop's. OK, hot stuff... "211 in progress, please respond." Go for Starsky. "Hurry, Starsky." Two perps holding up a gumball machine, 5th St. Let's go. Gumball machine?! Use lethal force if necessary. Very funny, Manetti... Hey! It's Captain and Tenille! Oh, but that means one of you'd have to MAKE captain. Radio's for police business only. That's true. Why'd they give YOU one? Not that funny. That Manetti really thinks he's something. You know what? He's not. Take it easy! (LAUGHS) You think that's funny? No, I mean, just gotta rise above it. What we got in the wallet? Not much - driver's licence, coupla receipts, no cash whatsoever. (CLEARS THROAT) Reese Feldman Corporation. Whaddaya call that? Terrence Meyers... That name does sound vaguely familiar. Isn't he part of our Nearly There programme? Mm-hm, I think he is. Terrence Meyers - baby, isn't he the guy dating a Bay City Kitty? We joked about it. Really? You mean the cheerleaders? Happen to remember her name? Uh, no. I don't. Can I get you boys anything else? Actually, we're good. Thank you so much, though, honey. That's my angel. I love her. A second ago you mentioned the Nearly There Foundation - what is that? That's a programme that we set up to help ex-cons get back on their feet. Part of their parole is, they're required to have a job. But not many people wanna hire felons. Poor ex-cons, they really can't catch a break, can they? No, it's a vicious cycle they get caught up in. See the piece in New Times? Bet your ass I did. But... I'd be lying if I didn't say we get tax breaks too. There it is, the kicker! A perk. Sly dog... What? Tickets to our annual fund-raiser. Be my guest. Oh! No, we can't accept gratuities, it's against policy. These don't like gratuities, these look like tickets. I'd be happy to accept them. Hey, what about Terrence? Is he in some kind of trouble? He's dead. His body washed up in the marina. Oh, no! Punched his last ticket. As they say. You try and do all you can for these guys, but it's just never enough, is it? Guess not. When did you last see him? Last place I saw - Wow! This is a nice boat! Reese, is this yours? Actually, it's a yacht. Sorry, yacht - Hutch? Can we please focus on the investigation? Sure. Thanks. (Could use another one of these.) # "Dancing Machine" - Jackson 5 # Dancing, dancing, dancing # Automatic, systematic Full of colour, self-contained # Tune that shadow to your vibes # She's moving, she's grooving Dancing until the music stops now # Yeah # Rythmetic, acrobatic She's a dynamite attraction # At the drop of a coin she comes alive (GIRLS CHEER) That was great, girls. Take five. (SONG FADES) Let's go. Look alive, here they come. We usually don't allow spectators. Even cute ones. David Starsky, Bay City PD. My partner, Ken Hutchinson. Girls. (They're so cute!) I'm Staci. That's Holly. God, I love your moves out there. Fantastic. I never dated a cop. My horoscope said to try new things today. Is that so? (You're awful!) So what brings you around here - officers? Oh, you know, that depends - Yeah. Either of you two know a Terrence Meyers? Oh, yeah. Heather dated him. Yeah. The girl over there with the yellow top. But they split up a while ago. Hello... Let's go ask Heather. Thank you. Be careful with those moves. Could hurt someone. That's why we practise. Actually, I was talking about us. Oh! (GIGGLES) Where'd that come from - a little charm? I would've tried the horoscope line. Too obvious. Hey! Wait up. See what I mean? Here's my number. In case you need us for... ..questioning. Thank you, ladies. 'Bye. 'Bye. He was always fascinated by all that macho mobster bullshit. I hope this is OK, I need to make this quick, I gotta pick my kid up in 20 minutes. Totally. Yeah, we were gonna move in together and he promised he'd quit that stuff after he got out. Then he gets himself killed. Asshole! I can only imagine what you must be going through - Honestly, if I knew what he was up to I'd be happy to tell you. But we didn't talk much. Yeah. So... did you... When did he... Did he... What... So, Hutch, do you got any more questions? Yeah, what... Sure... We could... What's your sign? Gemini. What, uh... What do you weigh? What does that have to do with anything? It has everything to do with anything. And... just answer the question, please, ma'am. Um... Around 115, I guess. Give or take a pound or - (CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY) I wish I could be more helpful. Listen... Stop. Don't do that, you've been great. It's terrific. We've got... all we needed. Anything else? I'm good. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you so much. Oh, wait. I don't know if this'll be of any help, but it's his. I don't want it. OK. Thank you. Again. (BELL RINGS) Things any better at work, Hutch? Actually, work was pretty good. How about you, anything new? Nope. Get a chance to ask that girl out? Willis, meet my new partner, David Starsky. Hey there, Willis, nice to meet ya. This the dickweed you told me about? Shake his hand. Go on, hop in. Dickweed, huh? His mom works late on Wednesdays, I kinda look after him. You take a kid out on patrol with you(?) Yeah, that's what we do, isn't it, Willis? Patrol. Whatever you say, Hutch. (POWERFUL REVVING) (LAUGHS) Whoa! # "Keep On Bumpin'" - Ground Hog Man, this thing's bad! Don't encourage him. (TURNS MUSIC OFF) Oh...! Shit...! Starsky, this your ride? Uh-huh. Damn! You've just moved up a notch in my book. That puts you at notch one. I like your Lincoln. It's a 76. It won't be out till next year. But I know people who know people that rob people. So whaddaya hear on the street these days, Huggy? Dig this. A little bird tells me there's gonna be a big coke deal in Bay City. One for the Guinness Books. So they say. Interesting. Who would this little bird be? Look, man, I lay it out for y'all to play it out. Alright. What does that mean? Don't worry about it. Huggy, what can you tell us about this? This looks like the work of Big Earl. This boy loves dragons. He makes these with his hands. There's his name, stitched under the dragon's belly. Big Earl... He sews, but he's one tough mother. He owns a biker bar about 80 miles east of route 4. Biker bar, huh? What goes on down there? Don't know. Listenin' to Jim Croce, play darts - whatever the hell else you white people do. Fuzz, I gotsta buzz. This meetin' is adjourned. That's it? That's it. He lays it out for us to play it out. Oh - this li'l meetin'? It never happened. What meeting? (SONG RESUMES) C'est la vie, gentlemen. (SONG CONTINUES, THEN FADES) What is this, a verbal technique?! No. Keep your hands on me. Teasing! What you got on those two cops? Everything - records, addresses, credit history. Nice. Starsky and Hutchinson? They call him Hutch, actually. Like I don't have enough on my plate already - a major coke deal, my daughter's bat mitzvah - which has become a nightmare - now these two guys. You think they're onto us? They're investigating a murder! That's what cops do, it's why we pay taxes. You kidding? Look at these two guys! He's cute, the blond! But I like dark hair. Maybe we should push this thing - till things cool off? Kevin, please, with the worry. We're moving ahead of schedule. I'll handle those two clowns. So tomorrow I say we check out this biker bar. A little deep cover. Sounds good. Who does your wig work? I'm sorry, my what? Your wig work. Your undercover work. Disguises. You - you have a wig guy?! Yeah, he's incredible. Well, if it isn't Sonny and Cher! Sonny and Cher...! Sit on it, Manetti. Oh, ME sit on it? Yeah, YOU sit on it. YOU sit on it, Starsky. How's that? You wish. I'm never sitting on it. That's not what I heard...! Starsky? C'mon! C'mon! Jesus! What the hell's goin' on? Cool your jets, Starsky. Everybody, back off! Including you, Manetti. I apologise, Captain. You're absolutely right. You're not even worth it, Starsky. For the record - those are hand towels. The big towels are on the top shelf. (GENERAL LAUGHTER) Hand towels...! Jesus Christ...! He's right. Go cover up. You're retired, so these days, everybody travels to you. Maybe you only do school runs. You work from home, so drive mostly on the weekend. At Youi, we tailor your insurance premium to how you use or don't use your car. It could save you lots. Call: # "The Weight" - The Band # I pulled in to Nazareth, was feelin' about half-past dead # I just need some place where I can lay my head # "Hey, mister, can you tell me where a man might find a bed?" # He just grinned and shook my hand, "No" was all he said # Take a load off, Fanny # Take a load for free # Take a load off, Fanny # And... you put the load right on me... # # "Folsom Prison Blues" - Johnny Cash # But those people keep a-movin' # And that's what tortures me (STARSKY CLEARS THROAT) Who are you guys? My name's Kansas. This is my little man Toto. We're Jesters from up in Big Cliff come down to check out your place. This your place? Yeah. Nice. Tell me - if you two are Jesters, what's our credo? Credo? Uh, well,... You almost got me there - there's no credo! Other than the secret credo. It ain't no secret. It's written right on our damn crest. So is that a trick question? If it's printed on the crest, you don't have to give it to us as a test. Not cool. Fake moustache! Oh, really?! Well, wonder if you think THIS is fake. # "I'm A Ramblin' Man" - Waylon Jennings We got questions. I don't gotta give you nothing, cop! Wrong! First - you gotta give me a little respect. Second - some answers. Comprende, muchacho? Oh, hey! (SONG CONTINUING) I like your style. I like your moves. Now where we? You were gonna tell us about Terrence Meyers. Who's Meyers? Oh... Wrong answer, Big Earl. Big Earl - I'm not Big Earl. I'm - I'm Jeff. Oh, yeah. Yeah...! Jeff?! No-one's who they say they are. Look. Think about it. I'm not even big. Yeah. No, that's... a good point. Maybe it's one of those ironic names, y'know, like Tiny, in Vice? He's, like, eight feet tall, so everybody - Yeah, but this guy'd have to be a lot smaller for the name to be ironic. You don't have to be a midget! I mean, the guy - how tall are you? Don't know - five-nine? Well, that - Borderline. Average. Guys, Big Earl is in Bay City Correctional. I took over the bar as a favour till he gets off. Jeff? I'm sorry. We apologise. We're gonna visit Big Earl. Let's get this for ya. There, good as new. Little word of advice - next time you're watching a place, don't claim that you own it. OK? I house-sit for my sister - I don't claim to own her house. That goes for all o' y'all - don't pretend to be something you're not. Just be who you are. That's what's really cool. (SONG ENDS) (BELL RINGS) How'd you get in? Visiting hours are over. Special treatment. We got some questions about Terrence Meyers. Terrence Meyers? Yeah. You made this jacket for him, didn't ya? Gee, don't seem to know anyone by that name at all. Hard customer. (Offer him a radio or some bullshit.) Maybe there's something we can do to make your stay more comfortable. Nice transistor radio for your cell maybe? No. How about a TV? Tell you what - I do like your blond friend here. Let me see your belly-button. No! What - let's go. Oh - No, no, no! Hold on! (He's obviously a freak, just show him a little skin. Nobody's here!) We cool? Yes, we are. Oh, Eureka! God, that's nice! Oh, like a little bowl of oatmeal with a hole in it. I got one too. I just got a little more brown sugar on mine. Terrence Meyers? Yeah, I think I did make that little jacket. In fact, we may even have pulled a little job together. What job? Who for? Stand up, walk to the back and do a slow spin for me. Now wait! I just showed you my stomach and - Come on, deal's a deal, Earl. Fine. Then this conversation is over. Wait, wait, wait, wait! Hold it, wait a second! Get up. Tell him to take his jacket off. Take your jacket off. Slow spin... He says to do a slow spin. Tell him to arch his back and then look at me, mean. Like a dragon! He says to arch your back and look back at him, mean, like a dragon. But keep it mean. (GROWLS) (STARTS WITH FEAR) (PANTS) Tell him great job. He can sit down. You were a convincing dragon. You should feel good about that. (Let's just get this over with.) OK, here's the deal. Terrence and I worked as extra muscle for a couple of dealers. I'd like to tell you who they were, but I never got a name or face. But I do know one thing. They paid us in coke. I was pretty pissed at the time, cos I'm not a coke-dealer. So where's the coke? If we find it, we can probably trace it. Fine. Fine. Look, I like you guys, OK? Especially you. OK? Don't feel bad about that, but I like you guys, so I'll tell you where it is. But, uh - but first, I need to see something, OK? And it's gonna involve both of you. I'm not gonna lie to you - it's gonna get weird. Two dragons. # "Afternoon Delight" - Starland Vocal Band # Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight # Gonna grab some afternoon delight # My motto's always been "When it's right, it's right" # Why wait until... # I guess it's supposed to rain later. Yeah, that's what I heard. Look, what happened - Can we please not talk about it? Hutch? We got the coke. Now, let's not ever talk about it. You're right. That's a good policy. We got what we came for. Do you think dragons - I don't wanna talk about it! # Sky rockets in flight Afternoon delight # Hey, afternoon delight # What the hell is wrong with you two?! Aw, come on, what are - You have brought disgrace on anyone who ever wore a uniform. My God...! We didn't know there was a camera. Cap, we're sorry, but at least we got the stash. Gotta be 30 grammes of coke here. This could lead us to the dealers that iced Meyers. We can run forensics on the bag. We did. We got NOTHING. What we got... is a bag of artificial sweetener. What are you talking about? This wouldn't pass for cocaine with my grandmammy. Impossible, we got the stuff from Big Earl. I'm taking you off this floater. What?! I'm giving it to Manetti. Manetti?! Aw, come on, Cap! Manetti's the worst cop on the force! Starsky - stop. Go on, sit down. Come on. Look, Captain, we're sorry, but you can't take us off this! I just did. Now leave! And take your bag of artificial sweetener with you. Kicking the chair was a nice touch. Too bad it didn't work. Aw, he'll get over it. Why did Earl get paid with bunk cocaine? Look, right now we've got two leads. We do? Staci and Holly. Those two cheerleaders?! No, those two witnesses. They met Terrence, right? Let's take 'em out, see what we can learn. Is it our fault that they also happen to be a coupla hot foxes? Reese, I couldn't help myself, they were cops, they were just too macho. "Macho? It's very simple - lie to 'em." I did! I lied about you, didn't tell them anything. But I had to give 'em something, they were so pure! You're lucky you're in the joint, my man. Understand? Look at the bright side. That coke was in the police station and they cleared it! "You should be happy." Well, guess what - I'm not happy. I'M NOT HAPPY AT ALL! Ssh! Don't! "Calm down." Don't say, "Calm down!" What are you wearing? "Quick. Be honest." What am I wearing?! Silk flowered shirt and a vest. Why? "(SIGHS) That's gorgeous..." You sick son of a bitch. Don't hang up. Don't! "(CLICK)" God...! Some people...! I'm not gonna be able to fit in my uniform tomorrow! Is that a good thing or a bad thing? This how you always treat witnesses? That depends - if it's a misdemeanour, we skip the fondue and move right to foot massages. Wait a minute, I think that's police brutality. Anybody for some coffee? No thanks. OK. One for the chef... # "Chevy Van" - Sammy Johns Meets my needs, it's cosy. Hutch, help me find the sugar? It's in there. No - (help me find the sugar.) Oh! OK. Pardon me. OK. How we doin'?! Great. Your fondue just put us over the top. Really? Which one do you like? We'll stick to this. I like blondes. Good, cos I'll take anything. OK. Both such sweet angels... Now, in two minutes, grab my guitar, bring it to me, put it in my hands, then step back. You play?! Just bring me the guitar. Hey, hey! Where's the sugar? Don't think I have any. C'mere! (LAUGHS) You're funny...! Magpie convention in here...! (MUTTERS TO HIMSELF) Thank you, Big Earl. D'you ever get scared out there? On the streets? Yeah. I'd like to say no, but the truth is I do sometimes. Here we go... ..it's more that there's someone out there I might not be able to help - a citizen that needs aid, or even an animal. Look what I found! Put it away! Hutch, you gotta play! C'mon. C'mon. Hutch? Hutch! Whoo! Alright. Holly, turn off the music. Now! Come on! Look alive. Let's go. Whoo! Look what you got me into, Starsky! Thought we were partners! Come on, Hutch. One, two, three... (PLAYS) # Don't give up on us, baby # Don't make the wrong seem right # It's written in the moonlight # Painted on the stars # We can't change ours # Don't give up on us, baby # Lord knows we've come this far (TWEET-TWEET) # The angel and the dreamer # Who sometimes plays the fool # Don't give up on us, I know # We can still come thro-o-o-o-ough # (HALF-SINGS IN HARMONY) # Ooh-ooh # Whoa...?! Wow...! Whoo! That was great! Hutch! C'mon, guys, it was just a guy with a guitar, singing his heart out. You guys...! Starsky's bored. Ooh! Ah! Anybody else bored? What? Uh? A club could be fun. Club! Yeah. More coffee, then we'll go. Is he OK? # "Right Back To Where We Started From" - Maxine Nightingale # It's alright and it's comin' 'long # We gotta get right back to where we started from # Love is good, love can be strong # We gotta get right back to where we started from # Do you remember that day # (That sunny day)... Isn't this place great? Uh-huh. You like places like this? Cos you're a cheerleader, always dancing in formation, but then, coming to a place can't be much fun, cos it's like you're at work or something. You seem wound up. No, I'm just pumped, excited. Rock-solid. Ready to go. Little bit paranoid, but feeling really good. Can I kiss you? OK. Watch it, man. Excuse me? I said watch it. Floor's made for dancing, you can tell by the lights. Wanna tangle, Curly? No, we're gonna dance. No, no, no, Curly wants to tangle. You really wanna piece of this? Oh - I don't want a piece. I want the whole thing. (CROWD CHEERS) Hey, hey hey...! Oh my...! Please don't do this. Hutch, I can take this guy. Don't do this, cos it's so incredibly lame! Tonight our very own Dancin' Rick is bein' called out by new guy David Stamsky..! No, Starsky. Right back atcha. So, folks, if you gotta pair of sunglasses, I advise puttin' them on - I got a feelin' these two are gonna light it up! (CHEERING) Boys? # "That's The Way I Like It" - KC & The Sunshine Band Everybody, you know the rules - keep it safe, keep it sexy. Turn up the night! Alright, Rick's warmin' up. What's he gonna bring out for the appetiser course? Oh, a little hand-over-hand tug o'man! Right into the centre of the floor. # That's the way, uh-uh, uh-huh Oh! Folks, that's a bucketful of confidence right there! Over to new guy David Starkey! # Uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it (CHUCKLES) This guy could be trouble! Oh! It's the Wild West - those are six guns full o' sexy! The good, the bad and the groovy...! Alright - one, two, three, four, we've got disco war, folks. # ..very best you can Dancin' Rick's goin', "I don't like you, but I respect your moves." Here comes Starsky again. Oh! Drivin' that disco big rig. Shift gears, blow your funky horn. Pull it into the truck stop and get yourself some scrapple made out of sexy. Disco Rick - he brings it right back and he's not wastin' any time. Oh! From the future of 1984, a funky disco robot! They're both on the floor, folks, eye to eye, it's disco Vietnam! Neither one's blinkin', neither one's backin' down - let's see what happens. Oh! Angry cat! The kitten has claws... Alright, looks like it's over - oh... my... God! David Starsky takin' it over the line! (SONG ENDS / CHEERS) Oh-ho-ho-ho...! Yeah...! Wooh! How about that? Very sexy, very macho. But you know what, that's a little too close to call. We're gonna have to depend on our patented American Lights applause-o-meter. So let's bring out our combatants. (CHEERING) Big hand! Here we go. First off - over to my man, Dancin' Rick! (CHEERING) And on to the new guy, David Starsky! (CHEERING) Yeah, folks - folks, pretty close. I hate to do this, but I gotta give it to Dancin' Rick! (SOME BOOING) Yeah! What?! Hey! Hey, do it again, that's BS! What? I won! Do it again! Do it again. Aw - I said - do it... again, liar! Not cool, not cool! You're dead! Hey! Hey! Settle down! (FIRES TWO SHOTS) I'm a cop! It's cool! (SCREAMING / COMMOTION) It's OK! It's OK! It's OK. Calm down, people, Bay City PD. We got him. Gonna get you home. Where am I?! You were freakin' out, I had to take you down! What?! 1 There we go. Easy does it. (SINGS) # Uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it # Uh-huh, uh-huh, that's the way... # (STRAINING) There we go! Think I was drugged. Sounds like you did some coke. I mean, from what I've read about the... effects. I don't use coke. That coffee tonight... What's that? Sweetener, right? The stuff we got from Earl? What're you doing with this?! Hey, Hutch? Where'd you get this? I beat that guy! What was that about?! Sure, you won, danced your heart out! Everyone saw! Sshh! Go to sleep. I was robbed! I know, we wuz robbed. We wuz robbed... Go to sleep. Ssshh... Go to sleep, Tiny Dancer... Alright. Jesus Christ...! # "Use Me" - Bill Withers Is he OK? Oh, yeah, he's OK. Just needs to sleep it off. Oh. Quite a night, huh? Can say that again... Guess it's kinda winding down. It doesn't have to be over. What do you mean? # They keep trying to tell me Whoa, where did that come from?! # All you want to do is use me I just want you to know - I really like your partner. Oh, I know, he's such a good guy. This is just, like, whatever. Yeah, we don't even have to judge it, it's too natural... Do you guys wanna kiss? # I wanna spread the news # That if it feels this good getting used # Oh, you just keep on using me # Until you use me up... # I hear somebody stirring. There he is...! Whoa, I feel for ya. Ow! (LOUD WHIRRING) Jesus! Please! Turn that off! Easy, killer! Just the blender. Oh...! What time is it? Time for Hutch's hangover cure. What's in it? Pepto-Bismol, Aunt Jemima mix, Tang and a little flat tap. Oh - most important thing - a raw egg. Saves lives. Trust me. And...? It's good. What'd I tell you? Oh...! Sorry about last night! Thanks for taking care of the girls. Hey, no problem. Happy to do it. What are partners for? Oh - speaking of which, I checked that stuff out. Even though it tastes like sugar, that is co-caine. You sure? I'm sure, Staci's sure, Holly's sure... (CLEARS THROAT) How d'you like your eggs? Didn't Huggy mention something about a coke deal going down? One for the Guinness Book was how he put it. Seems like a pretty big coincidence. Let me drive, you don't look so good. If I'm alive,... I drive. OK, but - He blew my freakin' window! (HISS!) Enough with the car already! We get it! Stop shooting my car! OK, cover me. Say when. Go! This is Zebra 3. I want you to run a plate - four! One! Apple! Nine! Eight! Four! Four one apple nine eight four! Dammit! You OK? Look at this! This is horrible! What kind of world do we live in where somebody does this?! Well, I think he was aiming at us. You think this is funny?! Seriously - is this funny?! "Zebra 3, we have an ID on that plate - VM Chau, 1325 Western." Ready to dish out a little payback? "(SPANISH)" "(TV HEARD)" (YELLS) The hell was that?! I think it's his kid. Sit tight, little boy! Oh...! Well, well, this looks familiar. Possession of cocaine and attempted murder! Jesus! Ow, what was that?! That ain't a kid - it's a tiny little man! With knives! God damn...! My arm! Oh shit! Make him stop! Tell him to stop! (KOREAN) Stop it! (KOREAN) Starsky! Starsky, we need to go now! Come on! Wait a minute! Alright. Now... OK? Time out. Let's just take a little break. I'm gonna get outta here. Oh! Jeez! Ow! Oh mama! Ow! What is your problem?! I said time out! Ow! Hutch - little help. Aw, he pinned you good, partner. On three - one. Two! Ow! Time to answer some questions, old man! Who's the limber dwarf you got THROWING KNIVES AT ME AND MY PARTNER?! That was no dwarf! That was my son! Liar! (ROARS IN PAIN) Come on, you're goin' downtown! Let's go, Starsky. On your feet! Now - you wanna tell me who hired you? (LAUGHS) We have a saying in Koreatown - it goes, "Kiss my yellow ass, copper." Alright. You wanna play games? I got a game for ya, Chau. Let's play a little Russian Roulette. We got a little saying here in Bay City - "You cross the line,... ..your nuts are mine." Whoa, whoa, whoa! There's really a bullet in the gun! I know! That is the point! No, you don't understand! Let's play! The bullet went back - WANNA PLAY? NO! DON'T! LET'S PLAY! AAAARGGGHHH! Don't! (CLICK) Don't - Your turn! No! I thought you wanted to play! No! You said you wanted to play! I - What are you doing?! Jesus! Our little friend is about to talk. What? No! Enough of the talking, huh?! Let's go! What?! No! Now! Starsky! (GUNSHOT) (WHIMPERS) You crazy! You outta your mind?! (WHIMPERING) Calm down. (LAUGHING) Calm down! He tried to kill me! He shoot! I have heart attack already. It's over. It's over. Calm down. (KOREAN) (DIALOGUE IN KOREAN) What? No, nothing, this guy's funny. It's not about you. That's great. He can be your new partner. Chau and Hutch. Sounds cool. Forget it... Alright, Chau, what else can you tell me about the guys that hired you? Not much. Couple whiteys. Nice suit. Perry Ellis. They pay. I do job. What'd they look like? I don't know, they're white! All you guys look alike to me! That's funny, all you guys look alike to us. Orientals. So where'd you meet 'em? Well, we met - how do you say? - by water. At the beach? No, no, no, no - ON water. Right, a boat. You met on a boat. No, no, not a boat. It's a yacht! # That's the time I feel like making love to you # Oh, baby Come on! # In a restaurant # In a topless bar # In a high school bus In the back of your mama's car # On a trampoline In the middle of a putting green # Anywhere you're near or far Right here at this bat mitzvah # That's the time - yeah - I feel like making L.O.V.E. # T.O. Y.O.U. # Oh, baby # (APPLAUSE) Right...! Rock into womanhood, Elizabeth! We know that you will... Alright... What's that supposed to mean? We have a special delivery for the little lady - over here. Let's see what's inside. (DRUM ROLL) (DRUM ROLL CONTINUING) (DRUMROLL ENDS) # "Send In The Clowns" - Judy Collins # Isn't it rich? # Isn't it queer? # Me here at last on the ground... These pantomimes suck. Don't look at me, I didn't hire 'em. Who did? I don't know. # Where are the clowns? These pantomimes aren't very good. # Send in the clowns This must be Reese's big surprise... Look at me, guys, I'm a mime too. Everyone's miming something. (Reese just left.) (I know.) (Stay here, I'll follow him.) (No, I'll follow.) (No, you stay. They love you!) (SONG ENDS) I might do the glass wall one more time. (SOME GROANING) (CHILD) Boo! I think it's terrific. Tell the guy you like him, ask him to sit next to you at the cafeteria, I dunno - what am I, your counsellor?! I'd like to get to the information I need. "It's done." My buddy, he delivered the package. OK? It's in your garage, locked up nice and tight. "Is he positive that no-one saw him?" "Not a soul." Now, about my fee - You'll be paid as soon as I've checked it out. "I've gotta get back -" Reese, wait. What?! (SIGHS) Mazel tov, man. "Thanks." They grow up so fast... "Go play dragon, I gotta go." "Alright. Big kisses." Thank you for coming to celebrate my little girl's bat mitzvah. I guess I should say, young woman. It'll take me a while to get used to that. He's good. It's sweet. His garage. What? The cocaine. In his garage. Sure? Take him down now. # My eyes adore you - # Alright, cut the music. Whoa, whoa! Cut it! Guys, I think I speak for everyone when I say we're a little mimed out. Show's over, Feldman. You're under arrest for possession with intent to sell. (GENERAL GASPS) This man's a drug dealer. OK, what we - Maybe you didn't hear! Take it easy, everybody. You're making the biggest mistake of your life, clown. No - YOU are, pusherman! Kevin, call my attorney, please? Ridiculous... Open it. My hands are tied. Fine. Allow me. Let this be a lesson, especially you kids. Don't be fooled by the first-class suit, the big house - Reese Feldman's nothing more than a two-bit drug dealer. You want some proof? Here's some proof. This is a bad man. And this is what bad men do. A pony! Happy bat mitzvah, baby. I love you. (PONY NEIGHS IN PAIN) (GIRLS SCREAM) It's alright, baby. It's OK. C'mere. I'll get you a new pony. Hey there, little fella. You OK? 1 Mr Feldman, on behalf of the entire Bay City Police Department, I sincerely apologise. That's OK, Captain. My attorney here would love to take them down, but I know, in the bottom of their hearts, these detectives were trying to protect me and my family. I gotcha. Thank you. I respect your attitude. But you can be sure it will never happen again, because as of now, both of you are suspended indefinitely! Look, Cap, this was my fault. Come on - Don't drag Hutch in, I shot the pony. Now you care about Hutch?! You filed for transfer two weeks ago, citing his behaviour as a reason! Captain - Yeah. Check this out. Sounds like you're quite the crimefighter, Hutchinson(!) You filed for a transfer?! Guns and badges. Right here, on my desk. (SIREN) Your mother would be very disappointed in you. Man, I've really had it with that Doby. It's enough already. "Cavorting with nefarious characters." "Conduct unbecoming of an officer." Look, I wrote that two weeks ago. Things are cool with us now. Did you go through my locker?! No! You went through it! I might've looked inside it when it was already open - Got a problem with someone, tell them like a man! You don't go behind their back, write a thesis and try to get transferred! Backstabber! Yeah, don't anybody work with David Starsky. He'll stab you in the back! You have got to let this go! We got so lucky, these guys screwed up. They can't touch us! It is over! No-one dresses like a mime and embarrasses me at my daughter's bat mitzvah. In my own house, no less. Some perspective - we're a few days away from closing a $35 million deal. Let it slide! I'll let it slide. When they're dead. Hmmm, why did I get so lucky? I don't know, I just love when you talk so tough... 'Course you do, baby, that's why you're my girlfriend on the side. # "We've Only Just Begun" - Carpenters # We've only just begun to live # White lace and promises # A kiss for luck and we're on our way # We've only begun # Before the rising sun we fly # So many roads to choose # We start out walking and learn to run # And yes, we've just begun # Sharing horizons that are new to us # Watching the signs along the way # Talking it over, just the two of us # Working together day to day # Together... # "Ruin me!" Excuse me, Smoky. Give me a minute with my friend. He didn't care if he got ruined! That was the whole point of the - Hutch - you gonna have to lay up offa this juice. Come on...! Feel like a million bucks! Just laughin', havin' a good time! Man, ain't funny no more. You used to pee against a wall OUTSIDE. Lighten up, it's Friday night! OK, it's a bar. It's Wednesday afternoon, snap out of it. What time is it? It's five o'clock, man. Shit! I'm supposed to pick up Willis at three. Huggy, I'm sorry, we - Hutch! Hey, Hutch! You home? You were supposed to pick me up at three! What happened? Deadbeat! (SIREN) (HUGGY) "If you could have yourself one wish, what would it be for?" "Mama put the salt back on a straight line with the pepper and got the look on her face like when she be telling me wise stuff. She told Nobie he should wish for -" Good friends. What Mama tells Nobie to wish for. Well, well, well...! How you doin', Willis? I'm pretty good. Got ya something. Damn...! A wrist rocket! Watch out with that thing. Very powerful. Cool! Thanks, Starsky! I'm pretty sure those are illegal, Willis. Even though you're my friend, might have to report you to Doby. Alright. Look, Hutch, can we... Alright if I talk to you outside for a second? No, I'd better stay here with the kid. Alright. Hey, feel better, alright? You got it. Can you believe that guy?! What a - Hutch - he was trying' to apologise. Dig this, man - someone once said, "To err is human, to forgive, divine." What idiot said that?! I believe that was God, the greatest mack of all. David! David. Yeah. OK, what did you want to say? Nothing, nothing. Apparently you're too busy, I'm not worth it, so... fine. C'mon, let's hear it. There's nothing... I... was gonna say that I think you're - I think you're a good cop. Thank you. Uh,... ..I am... sorry about... what I wrote in the report. Yeah, cos I tell ya, I felt like I'd just gotten my world rocked. Are you crying? What's that? Are you crying?! Am I crying?! No! YOU'RE crying! It's OK to cry, people cry. Great, but I'm not crying. I'm not - I don't cry, y'know, I work out. I have hobbies. I don't - C'mere. What? C'mere. I forgive you, alright? (I forgive you.) (SUPPRESSED SOBBING) OK, that's probably enough. That's enough. Alright. OK. Are we good? Yeah, we're good. Cos we got some people that want us dead. They took a shot at you, tried to blow up my house, almost killed Willis. We gotta - (SNIFFLES) Now what? Nothing! I'm just excited! Let's get these scumbags! Get 'em! Yeah! Good! Get some tissues. What are you doin'? Let's go. # "Cocaine" - Eric Clapton # If you wanna hang out you've got to take her out # Cocaine # If you wanna get down, down on the ground # Cocaine # She's alright, she's alright, she's alright # Cocaine # If you got bad news, you wanna kick them blues # Cocaine # When your day is done and you wanna run # Cocaine # She's alright, she's alright, she's alright # Cocaine... # (WHISTLING) Man... Tell ya that... It's right here - Reese is meeting with the biggest drug dealers in Bay City in back alleys all over. But talking isn't illegal. He's not stupid, knows how to stay clean. Dirty ones always do. We gotta find a way to get close to him, get inside, hear what's goin' on. But he knows what we look like. Ah, but he doesn't know what Huggy Bear looks like. Man, this is a bunch o' crap! I am an urban informant. Not a snitch. Aw, Huggy, what's the difference? A snitch wears a wire. A snitch is the scum of the information industry. Wait a - A snitch has no soul. Ow! Damn, man, that shit hurt! I'm sorry. Careful! I know. Huggy, we wouldn't ask you unless it was important. I'm gonna owe you one. No, more than one, man. Let's slow down with the scorekeeping - I might start remembering stuff I've overlooked over the years, then mention it to my partner here. Alright, man. Get this over with! Hurry up! Alright. Good. We're done. Alright, let's get that outfit. Outfit?! (SINGS) # Da-dum...! # Oh, no, man, you know Huggy Bear wouldn't wear that! Y'all take that shit back to Florida. That ain't me, babe. Mr Casual, so nice of you to join us. Sorry about that, sir. What would you say this is? Uh, golf? Real funny, Amos. Gimme the nine iron. Where the hell's my nine iron? Well, I was gonna bring - Listen to me. You... are in charge of this area right here. Clubs come out, but they gotta go back in. I realise this is a complex procedure, but it's up to you to manage it. Got that, Nipsy? "Yes, sir." "I should make you run your ass back and get it. Give me the wedge." Three wood? My man gave me a three wood. "Do you even know what a pitching wedge is? Are you even a real caddy?" Come on... Man, this grass is Alabama Creeping Bend. "As opposed to Georgia Creeping Bend." It's lighter. Lighter meaning faster? Exactly. Hold this. Look at that - good shot! You know a lot about golf. I know even more about grass. No question. "A great shot. Don't even start." "Whatever." "Back to business." The stuff is ready to be moved, two tons. We're golden. We need to be at the banquet by 2pm. Anything else? No, just stay calm and - are we dating? Why are you standing so close to me? Back off. It's cool, baby. What is your deal?! The Nearly There banquet - he gave me the invite. Tomorrow. How's he gonna move two tons of coke at a banquet? Dunno, but we gotta be there. He'll kill us if he sees us. You wanna use wigs! 1 # Love, love will keep us together # Think of me babe whenever # Some sweet-talking girl comes along, singing her song # Don't mess around You just gotta be strong # Just stop, cos I really love you # Stop, I've been thinking of you # Look in my heart and let love keep us together # You, you belong to me now Hello, sir. May I check your briefcase? Yeah. Thanks a lot. Thank YOU very much. Now - what you wanna do is take this ticket stub. It's for the raffle. And see that car up on stage? There's seven of 'em, all up for grabs, with plenty of trunk space. Trunk space...! I get it. Very good, very good... Thank you very much. # Look in my heart and let love keep us together # Whatever # I will, I will (SONG CONTINUES FAINTLY) (BROOKLYN ACCENT) ..talking about. Right here. There we go... Wonderful. Whaddayou think? Oh! I love it! Great stuff. Yeah, you look like, uh, a rich cowboy, came riding in off the farm. Tip your hat forward. C'mon. I like it where it is. No, seriously. Do it. Do it. Will you - will you stop with that?! That voice makes you sound crazy! (NORMAL) No, makes me sound like (BROOKLYN) Maury Finkel of Finkel Fixtures, biggest lighting fixture chain in the Southland. A little voice and a character! A whole back story, that's good! Little touches, details to make the character full, real. (NORMAL) What's your character? Oh, I don't have one, I don't really do voices. Hutch, those people'll recognise us if we don't have characters! Come on, this is it! OK, OK! Buck up. (FINKEL) How are ya? How's it goin'? Alright. How ya doin'? Alright. Oh! Look at these two hot chickens. Finkel wants some dinkle. Give it to me. Huh? Do it. Lay it on here. Do it. Do it. He - he means a kiss. We're doing voices, undercover. C'mon, sweetie, do it. Oh, that's a sweet little pucker! I love it. Can I get you two a drink? Sure can, sweetheart. Johnnie Red, neat. Do it. Do it. Alright. And you? Do it. Bacardi and cola. Do it. Do it. OK... I'll be right back. (NORMAL) (What are you doing?!) What? What was that?! You stole my voice! No, I didn't! Yes, you did! Come up with your own! I don't have a cool voice like you! Come up with your own character! You're Texas oil tycoon guy! Moustache, funny southern - Don't shame me. (FINKEL) Alright, let's siddown. ..we can, uh, get down to business and then get back to the business of gettin' down. Yeah! Let's get dow-w-w-wn! (LAUGHTER) Captain Doby, you're not right. But today IS right. Can I see a show of hands? I'm talking to everyone in this room. How many of us have made a mistake? (FINKEL) Guilty. Yeah. You know, I believe it was our buddy, Bill Shakespeare, who said, "To err is human, but to forgive - well, that's right on." That's exactly why we're here today - because everyone deserves a second chance. (APPLAUSE) Everyone! Thank you. I didn't say it, Bill Shakespeare did. I recognise these guys from our surveillance. I know. Check out the guy behind us from the alley. Already did. Think he's got the stuff here? (SIGHS) Where? I'd like to thank Bay City Volkswagen for donating seven brand new cars to our annual fundraising raffle. Thank you, Bay City Volkswagen. (APPLAUSE) OK, everybody, go ahead, pull out your ticket stubs. Hope you held on to 'em - I'd hate to have your number called and you be left behind. Uh, tonight's first winner - uh, 63. Hot damn! That baby's mine! Congratulations. One of his guys. If you could just wait here? We got a winner, guys, a new car-owner. Let him hear it! The car - the cocaine is in the car. He's doing it in front of everybody. He's not that stupid. No, but he's that arrogant. Number... 117. Right on! Yeah! Yee-ha! Woo! Yes! Thank you! (FINKEL) Sit. Now. Do it. I hit the motherlode! Do it. Old Shakes McGinty did it! Yes! This is incredible. Crazy. I'm gonna kiss ya. Hands off, bro'. I don't - I - wow! Can't believe it! Give my friend the car. Do it. What?! The kid's from Texas - I don't know if he even has a licence, he rides a horse. Got a ticket? Aw, hoss, trust the kid for once! Cowboy, I need to see - Pop the trunk, let's get a whiff of - A whiff of new car smell! Let's smell it! That's what I'm talkin' about! Pop the trunk. Seriously. Do it. Do it. Do it. Listen, jackass - give me a ticket or get the hell off the stage. Dig? (GASPS) Whoa, whoa! Guys! (NORMAL) Pop the trunk, candyman. You heard him! Pop it! What the hell are you two doing?! Pop it! You screwed up once already, Starsky. Like you said, Feldman, everyone deserves a second chance. Whoa, what have we here?! This look familiar? Some cocaine! (GASPS) Captain Doby, I suggest you take this to the lab, get it analysed this time. Freeze! Put your hands where I can see 'em! Against the wall! Relax! Let's do it! Put that gun down or I'll kill your friend! Reese, what are we doing?! Put it down! Hutch, I got a shot, but I need your permission! No! No, Starsky. I can do this, move your head left! No, partner, I can't give you my permission. Your nuts are mine, Feldman. No, they're not! Your nuts are yours. Starsky? Listen - I don't wanna die and you don't have my permission. Please - put it down. Ow! Ow! Put it down. Down. 'K. You're right. It's too close. Oh, thank God! Stay down! Doby?! Let's move it! What? Let's go! What?! Walk away. Let's go! Cap, are you OK? Yeah, just got my wing clipped. Jesus Christ, who the hell shot me?! Sorry, sir. I was - Starsky - it was Feldman. That son off a bitch... Well, go get him! Is somebody coming?! We're on vacation. Oh! What's going on? Gotta go. Oh my God! Baby, look out! I wanna hit him! You OK? Yeah. Jesus, watch out for the bunker! What's a bunker?! It's a sand-trap! Go fast! I am, I got it floored! Look, dogleg right up here on the par three! What? Bunker! What bunker?! Aarrgh! Jesus! Come on, pay attention! (GOLFER) Get outta here! Move that ice cream truck now! No! You move! Bay City PD! Move! Let's go. Grab those. Go. Go! If you guys are cops, let's see some badge! We don't have any badges. Show him your gun! Come on, move! Oh! Hurry up, let's go! They're coming! God, these two with the running and the chasing... Stop! Whoa! Whoa! 'Bye, heroes! Back to the shipping yard! Got a boat?! No, but I got an idea. OK, now what? OK, we're gonna land this car on THAT boat. You wanna crash the car into his boat?! No - I wanna LAND it on that boat. Now go. Go! I can't do it! This is unbelievable! You get me out here to risk my life and now you tell me you can't do this?! I'm a quitter, but - you're crying again! I'm not crying! This is different - it's... It's my mother. She always used to... say that... this was too much car for me to handle. She said that? Couldn't handle the V8. I don't know, maybe she was right. Hey, look at me. Look at me. I am not your mother - I'm your partner. Now go! Go! Listen - things could go pretty wrong in a second - Eyes on the road! Ken, if we don't make it - this - y'know - us - it's been good! It's been great! Now will you stop talking and hit that boat?! It's not a boat, Ken - it's a yacht. (BOTH ROAR) (STILL ROARING) Son of a bitch! Aarggh! You kidding me?! Oh, my God! We almost just got killed! Thanks for pointing out something that I couldn't notice on my own. We should save them! Son of a bitch! Nice plan! You gave it too much gas and overshot it! Car has a lot of horsepower. I'm gonna go get it. What?! Stop it! Starsky! Starsky, Starsky, stop! I'm gonna get it. Stop! Dammit! Listen to me! It's gone. OK? It's over. But it's my car! I know it is, partner. I know it is. (HORN BLARES) Whoa...! Oh my God, honey, that was so incredible! I feel like my adrenalin is just - you and me, babe, we are such a good team! I mean, this is just the beginning. We could go so far, honey. I feel so - (MECHANICAL RUMBLINGS) Son of a bitch...! What is it, Reese? Who are you? I found your nine iron, bitch! That's for putting hands on Huggy Bear. Nobody touches the Bear, you dig? Yeah... Now THESE'LL work. What have we here...? Ooh...! That's what I'm talking about! # "Cut The Cake" - Average White Band # Cut the cake # Gimme a little piece # Let me lick up the cream # Cut the cake... # We don't really do private shows. But I'm a good friend of Huggy Bear! It's against cheerleading policy. You need to change that policy. You know what I can't figure out? How in the hell did you know to get on that boat? Well, when your two boys put me on that undercover golf course mission, that cat, Reese - all he did was talk about that damn yacht. Why go to the starting line when you can go straight to the finish? Straight to - I like that, man! You interested in undercover work? Uh, not in the least. Captain, let me borrow him for just a second. Weird thing is, one of those briefcases with $5million just up and vanished. Hm. What is this, a brand new fur coat? Look at this thing! I inherited some money from a dead uncle. Yeah? I didn't even know you had an uncle. Well, I did, and he was rich as hell, baby. Chin up, little man. I think he's still upset about the car. C'mon, let's get up. You're going outside. No, no thanks. Come on, gonna get you coffee, get you cleaned up. I don't feel like it. I know two white dudes got a car you might be interested in. I don't want another car, Hug. At least take a look. # "Starsky & Hutch Theme" My car! Where did you...?! Hutch, who the hell are these guys? I don't know, but I get a good vibe from them. So are you selling the car? Actually, your friend here already paid. Ha-ha-ha! I owe you one, Huggy. Alright! Come on, give him the keys. Thank you. Thank you. Uh, now, uh, with this transmission you don't wanna jump the clutch. I usually pop - Second to fourth. Got it. "Zebra 3?" Right. "Please respond." This is Zebra three. We're on it. Hutch? Let's roll. I think he means you. Good luck. Allow me. Thank you. You're welcome. (MUSIC FADES) # "Sweet Emotion" - Aerosmith Alright. Hey! Not bad. (SQUEALING TYRES) How's it feel? It feels pretty good. I'll take it slow for a while, get the feel. Smart. Do that. Starsky? Hang on. No! No...! Hang on! # Swee-ee-ee-eet emo-o-o-o-otion # You talk about things that nobody cares # You're wearing out things that nobody wears # You're calling my name but I gotta make clear # I can't say baby where I'll be in a year # Some sweat hog mama with a face like a gent # Said my get up and go musta got up and went # Well, I got good news, she's a real good liar # Cos the backstage boogie set your pants on fire # Swee-ee-ee-eet emo-o-o-o-o-o-tion (REPEATS) # I pulled into town in a police car # Your daddy said I took it just a little too far # You're telling me things but your girlfriend lied # You can't catch me cos the rabbit gone died (SONG FADES)