1 (SEAGULL CAWING) (SIREN WAILING, HORN HONKING) MAN ON RADIO: Hey there, all you sleepy Angelenos. A good, good morning to you. It's your buddy, Romeo Midnight. I know. I know. I'm the voice you normally listen to in the middle of the night. But today is special, Los Angeles. It's my favourite day of the year. Today is Valentine's Day. And that's why I'll be here all day and all night, playing the songs you love and the songs you love to love to. # I say hey # # I be gone today # # But I be back Around the way # # Seems like everywhere I go # # The more I see The less I know # # But I know # # I know # # One thing # # One thing # # That I love you # # Baby # # I love you # # I love you # # I love you # # I've been a lot of places All around the way # # I've seen a lot joy And I've seen a lot of pain # # But I don't want to write A love song for the world # # I just want to write a song About a boy and a girl # # I say hey # # I be gone today # # But I be back Around the way # # Seems like everywhere I go # # The more I see The less I know # # But I know # # I know # # One thing # # One thing # # That I love you # # Baby # # I love you # # I love you # # I love you # BARKS DOG BARKS CHUCKLES Hi. Okay. When I was a kid, uh, most of the advice that my dad gave me was crap. There's one thing that he said that was pure genius. Hm. He said, "If you ever are with a girl "that's too good for you... marry her." SIGHS So, uh... Wow. CHUCKLES Really? Happy Valentine's Day. (CHUCKLES) Happy Valentine's Day. DOG BARKING She said yes! # For once in my life # # I have someone who needs me # # Someone I've needed # REED LAUGHING # So long # # For once unafraid # # I can go where life-- # Julia, call me as soon as you get this. I got big news. Big news. She said yes. You're kidding. What? I mean, you're kidding! You thought she'd say no. Man, come on. You know me always preparing for the worst. Immigrant mentality. Forget it. She said yes. This is good news. Yeah, and get this: I don't even have to play it cool today. I can be a sappy cheeseball all day mooning about love to total strangers, and no one'll think I'm a moron. Because it's Valentine's Day, huh? And everyone is romantic on Valentine's Day. HORN HONKS Get your head out of your ass and use your damn turn signal you freaking moron! WOMAN ON TV: Good morning, Los Angeles. I'm Sherry Donaldson with the KVLA news team. And now let's check the weather. WEATHER GIRL: Good morning. Sun shines on late morning, and look at these numbers. Highs in the upper valleys in the 60s, and a bit cloudy by the coast until mid-morning, when the marine layer burns off. Susan, what the hell is this? WHISPERING Oh, the boss thinks it's gonna up the ratings. WOMAN: And we're clear. Not talking about Pippi Longstocking, I'm talking about this. I'm a sports journalist, I don't do lifestyle. You're my number two sports journalist, Kelvin, which means that on slow sports days, you do the pieces I want you to do. The station wants more fluff. I'll do some follow-up stories, do some investigative reporting, bring it back to you? There's only one story today, Kelvin. It's all yours. It's not complicated. It's your basic man on the street. "Tell me, John Q, Jane Q, what does Valentine's Day mean to you?" It gives me acid reflux. That's what it means to me. We spend a lot of money. Nobody cares. It's not even a real holiday. We don't take the day off. Come on, Susan. And we're coming back in five, four, three... (BABBLES) WHISPERING Listen, I'm a player, but I shut down my player-ness from New Year's to Saint Paddy's Day just so I can avoid this day. I need happy, I need romantic, I need love, and I need it from you. You need Jesus. Go. Go away now. JAMIROQUAI'S "I'M IN THE MOOD FOR LOVE" PLAYING) PEOPLE CHATTERING # I'm in the mood for love # WOMAN SPEAKING IN JAPANESE WOMAN: Sunflowers! Beautiful! SPEAKING IN JAPANESE # I'm in the mood for love # # Heaven is in your eyes # # Bright as the stars We're under # # Oh! Is it any wonder # # I'm in the mood for love # Good morning! SPEAKING IN ITALIAN Hello, good morning. Hello, hello. I need my lucky bamboo. Actually, I need both flats, and-- Do you hav-- I actually need the whole lot. All of them? Want my Gerbera daisies too? No, no, no. No-- Uh, yes. Alphonso's gonna pick everything up later. Mr. Reed, why are you always happy? Why not be always happy? SIMON: Reed? REED: Simon. SIMON: Reed. REED: What's up, man? How are you? All right. What's going on? Hey, I'm gonna be on TV. Interviewer over there. Really? Nice! Listen, I need to talk to you. Morley said yes. She said yes? What is with everybody? She said yes. I'm getting married. It's great news, huh? Listen, I need to get her something, like, really nice, though, like-- Not roses, something... out of the ordinary, you know? Wow, what is it? No, no, no. Do not open until perfect moment. Ready for the interview. Kelvin Moore here, KVLA Channel 13 right here at the downtown flower mart with Mr. Simon Pham that's P-H-A-M, not with an F. Mr. Pham, how many red roses do you sell on Valentine's Day? The Captain and Tennille were married on Valentine's Day. What's that you said? The Captain and Tennille were married on Valentine's Day. A 110 million red roses are sold in America every Valentine's Day. Sixty percent are produced in California. Does he work for you? I mean.... Uh, I'm a florist. I own Siena Bouquet, Uh, 2173 Rosewood. And what's your name, sir? Reed Bennett. Hi. How are you? Sports guy. Sports. Reed Bennett. Yeah, sports. Okay, from Santa Monica-- S-Siena Bouquet. Santa-- What is it? Siena Bouquet. Siena Bouquet. REED: In the Val-- Off of Ventura. Mm. Ah. Well, you do have a flaw after all. Oh, yeah? What's that? Your job. I thought women liked doctors. Mm. We do like lab coats, but the flying around everywhere is not so good. I'm only going to San Francisco for one night. CHUCKLES Couldn't somebody else do it, just tonight? No, I'm the best. CHUCKLES If it's any consolation, when I'm fixing his heart... you can hold mine. Oh. Thank you. MAN: Hey, what are you doing? No. I can't miss my plane. No. SIGHS I can't believe you're leaving me on Valentine's Day. You said you had something to do. I do have something. I do have something to do. I just don't know that I wanna do it. You know my friend Kara? Which one's Kara? Neurotic, hot mess. She throws this annual "I Hate Valentine's Day" dinner. It's a bit of a downer, actually. What's there to hate? Nothing, if you're a handsome, divorced doctor. But for the rest of us single women, it's kind of a giant cosmic bitch slap. It's the universe saying, "Look, remember when you were 14 "and you had cystic acne and braces "and you played the saxophone in the marching band "and no one would invite you to the winter formal? Well, nothing's changed." Oh... I would crawl over cut glass to take you to the winter formal. And then I would prescribe Retin-A for your skin. That's why you're my valentine. KELVIN ON TV: So we have a professional here. I'm sure you've heard a lot of stories on Valentine's Day. Do you still believe in love? Hell, yes. Love is the only... shocking act left on the planet. KELVIN: Well, if he said it, folks, it must be true, because he is a florist. GASPS CHUCKLES What is it? Oh, you're up. Did you get my good side? I don't know. Roll over. Last night... Was...? Amazing. Okay, thank you. Wow. Well, you know, I used to be a gymnast. Oh, well, that explains a lot. Yeah, I didn't hurt you, right? You're so cute. I thought you wanted to be a-a poet, not a photographer. A girl can change her mind, Jason. That's how last night happened. Anyway, I could not write that photo. Okay, yeah, um... (LAUGHS) Is my nose, like, kind of--? It looks kind of big for my face. I think that's L.A. talking. I think you have a great nose. Oh, my God. Is that the time? What? What? No, it's 3 minutes fast. I just-- I don't like being late. Uh, I have to go. I just-- Just like that? Yeah, I'm sorry. I just-- Skirt? Skirt, skirt, skirt. (WHISTLES) What? Oh, right. I think I half-remember that. Uh, three minutes? Why not 5 minutes ahead? I don't wanna seem eager. JASON: But, yeah, you know what? Stay. Hang out for a little bit. Maybe we can grab breakfast. RINGTONE PLAYING FUNKY MUSIC Oh, I knew it. I knew it. What is that, techno? What? The ring. Oh, uh, no, I think it's, like, a little more retro. It's kind of '70s. Um, thank you so much for last night. I had a blast. And there is fresh coffee for you in the kitchen. I think I'm out of coffee. Yeah, you were. I borrowed some from your neighbour. By the way, she was surprised you had female company, she thought that you were gay. Don't worry, I set her straight. Bye. RINGTONE PLAYING FUNKY MUSIC RINGTONE PLAYING FUNKY MUSIC Hi. Oh, I was thinking about you all night long. CHUCKLES Oh, I'm sorry I didn't answer on the first ring. It's not my fault. I was thinking about what you were gonna do to me and I just couldn't wait. I didn't have a free hand. Oh, baby. You know just how Katia likes it. Mm. Well, it's Valentine's Day, sugar. How about something special? My roommate just got home. Do you wanna have a threesome? If he says yes, it'll take me a minute to change. Ooh, I think that's a very good idea. There you go. LAUGHS INSECT BUZZING # I have often walked # # Down this street before # # But the pavement always # # Stayed beneath My feet before # # All at once am I # # Several stories high # Edgar, we said we were not gonna give each other presents this year. I know, I lied. So did I. CHUCKLES Wow. Today's the day I make most of my dough. I deliver love-grams to businesses and such. I even delivered a breakup-gram today. KELVIN ON TV Folks, from the chubby messenger of love himself that Valentine's Day is about love. It's about romance. It's about commercialism that-- Found the glue, Grandma. Well, good. This is really a hard day for him because they used to make handcrafted cards together. EDGAR: Well, maybe we should've offered to do that with him. WOMAN: I did. But he said it was only fun when it was with his mother. EDGAR: So, Edison... what are we doing for breakfast today? I can't eat, Grandpa. Who said that? So you can't eat? What's the matter? What's the matter, you sick? Yeah. Lovesick. 1 REED ON PHONE: Julia, it's Reed. I've been trying to reach you. Call me back, please. ELEVATOR DINGS Oh, boy. Oh, boy. JULIA: Hi. Hi. So my boyfriend texted me this morning. And he was like, "Look outside your door." Oh. And-- But, you know, I look outside my door... and my boyfriend's nowhere to be found. Right. But there's this giant white bear. Yeah, the bear. On the ground. The floor. I get it. Yeah. Isn't that the sweetest thing ever? Ever and ever. Do you live here? In this building? Because I see you in the lobby all the time. Because I live here. No, I just visit. Just visiting. All right, well, I'm gonna go to school now. Gonna take my bear with me. I hope you get a lot of valentines today. Thanks. CAPTAIN ON PA Hello, everyone. This is your captain speaking. On behalf of myself and the flight deck we wanted to wish everyone a happy Valentine's Day. Hope you had an opportunity to get a little rest. But according to my digital readout here, we've still got another six hours before we reach our final destination of Los Angeles where the weather is expected to be warm and sunny after three days of rain. Oh. Oh, hello. Hey. Hey, is Reed here, or is he on a run? Yeah, he's in there. Okay. Hey, guys. MAN 1: Hi, Julia. How was last night, brutal? MAN 2: Yeah. Have you been up all night? MAN 3: Hey. Wow, everybody's here today. WOMAN 1: Oh, whose child is this? Hello? Oh, there's your mother. WOMAN 2: Please hold. Hey, Nikki. Good morning. Oh, these are yellow. Where's Reed? Your pal's in the cafe. The pastries were late. Oh, yeah. I think he might be having a rough morning. MAN 4: Hello, Siena Bouquet. Hey. Reed. REED: Just need-- We need the morning glories. Oh, there they are. Perfect. Great. Hey, I got your message. You okay? Yeah. What happened? Well, you just sounded like... You sounded like maybe sh-she said-- "Yes." She said yes. No. Why doesn't anybody have confidence? She said yes? Yes. Oh, my goodness. Okay. I didn't-- I didn't get it, but congratulations! Call me Mr. Engaged. You're getting married. Hi, um, I ordered some tulips. Yes. You can't put the baby on the counter, it's dangerous. But I can't get my money out. She should be off the counter. Thanks. Here, let me hold her. Thank you. You should know we're Jewish. God loves us all. Thank you. MAN 4: Hello, Siena Bouquet. He's just the first decent guy I've dated in a long time. It's going that well, huh? I am so sick of dating. I'm so jealous of you guys. When do I get to meet the phantom physician? I think soon. You guys got plans tonight? No. Nothing. Just-- He has to go to San Francisco, so we're gonna talk on the phone. You know what you should do? You should fly up and surprise him. You think so? Yeah. Why not? No. Come on. I don't know where he's staying-- You make a call, you find out. What's the big deal? God, you really think I should go? Why not? Come on, it's Valentine's Day. You don't think. You just do. BELL RINGS Ah. Go. BEN E. KING'S "AMOR" PLAYING # Amor # Get out of here. Congratulations. # My love # # This word so sweet # # That I repeat # # Means I adore you # # Mm # # Amor # # Amor # PEOPLE CHATTERING CELL PHONE RINGING HARRISON: Hello there. Hi. Hey, honey. I'm just pulling into the airport. I'll call you when I land, okay? Okay, I get it. Okay, have a safe flight. I'll talk to you later. Bye. Thanks. Bye-bye. # A-ha # # Amor # # A-ha, amor # # Mm, my love # # When you're away # # And no, there is no day # # And nights are so lonely # # Mmm # # And amor # HARRISON: Hello. Good morning. I'm home. Hi, Daddy. Hey, peanut. Hi, sweetie. Did you fix all the broken hearts? I did. HARRISON: I did. Happy Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day to you. Surgery went late. I stayed at the condo. I figured. CHUCKLES Doesn't Daddy juggle well? OLIVIA: Yeah. Mm-hm. What are you doing? Sorry, I-- Excuse me, I was trying to, uh, close the window. I'm sorry. No. For leaning on my shoulder? Come on, it's the least I could do. A 14-hour flight. Oh, God, that's better. You on active duty? Yes, sir. Two bars. Is that lieutenant? Two bars is the captain. CLEARS THROAT You have a loved one in L.A.? Well, I'm sure he'll be happy to see you. How long, uh, how long has it been since you've been home? Eleven months. And how long do you get to stay? Just till tomorrow. Fourteen-hour flight both ways just for one night. Wow, that's romantic. That's-- You're a romantic. I mean, that's quite a gesture. That's-- That's commitment. You on Facebook? WOMAN: I need some chrysanthemums. What? You should speak English. I had to learn when I came. Chrysanthemums and calla lilies. I don't know what it-- Michael, calm down. What-- What language do you speak in? I used to speak Bulgarian, but I'm an American citizen now. Does anybody here speak English with a Bulgarian accent? MAN: Over here. I do. Ah, there he is. Bulgarize away. Here we go. There she is! The future Mrs. Reed Bennett! MICHAEL: Oh, chrysanthemums. Hi, babe. Hi, baby. Hello, fiancee. It sounds weird. Have you said it yet? Nikki, take over for a minute. Come this way. Oh, wait, these are for you. I knew they were for somebody. Sarah, have you met my fiancee? Hi, Morley. Hi. I just like saying it. I feel so grown-up. MICHAEL: Next, please! Look what you forgot. See, that is... Is one empty hand. Oh, yeah. Don't be mad. Mad? Why would I be mad? I'm concerned. I just-- Do you have any idea what it would be like at work today if I wore that thing? I mean, people will be asking me-- "Where'd you get the big ring?" You know, "How many bridesmaids?" And, "How did he do it?" "Gonna have kids? How many?" Three. What? Two dogs, and maybe some chickens. We can talk about it. We don't have to. Sweetheart, I just think right now it would be better if maybe we could just keep it a secret. MAN: Where are you from? WOMAN: I am from Ruse. All right, you guys can start a Bulgarian village together. All right. Oh, my God, look, there's the bride. Hi. Listen, I called my BFF, Tony. He is already on the dress. He does all the gowns in Vegas. Cher, Celine, Carrot Top. This is going to be so much fun! Oh, my God, it's-- Breathe, breathe. I have to breathe. Okay. See what I mean? Yep, I get it. EDGAR: So... love is the problem? Did you ever have it? Oh, yeah. EDISON: How old were you when you got it? EDGAR Let's see. I'd just started working at an architectural firm and there was this beautiful young girl, and she was studying to be an actress. Was your heart kind of going: Yeah. Yeah, just that way. IMITATES A HEARTBEAT You betcha. Just like that. One day I got up the courage to introduce myself. I walk out, walked right up to her and opened my mouth and... nothing comes out. Nothing? Nothing. Not a peep. But she's just waiting for me to say something, I'm like a statue. So finally she says, "All right, I'll meet you here at 6:30." She knew what you were going to say. Yep. Yeah. She's been reading my mind like that for 51 years. The pretty girl was Grandma, right? The pretty girl is Grandma, right? When are we gonna get there, Grandpa? Coming up to Moorpark. Making a left turn right here. What's Moorpark spelled backwards? I don't know. "Kraproom." Grandpa. And don't say that in school. MICHAEL: Hello, Siena Bouquet. REED: I'll come with you on runs. ALPHONSO: You got it. REED: But we gotta hustle. They're flying in now. I'm always hustling, baby. REED: No, no, no. Like, "hustle" hustle. Like, no, don't dilly-dally, okay? Let me tell you, I don't dilly-dally. I only upsy-daisy. All right. PERCY SLEDGE'S "WHEN A MEN LOVES A WOMAN" PLAYING ON THE RADIO) BELL RINGS Crazy businessman. This guy, like, he wants to give family discounts to his 30 cousins. What is this? What have you got going--? Excuse me. Ahem. Can I help you? I'd like to send a dozen of those to the best girl at my school. And this musical card. A dozen of those with thi--? This-- It's, uh... Okay. All right, where am I sending these to? Um, Falcon Crest Elementary. You can MapQuest it. I actually know where it's at. I got a friend that goes there. Cool. During recess would be the best time. Um, when you get there, just hand me the flowers, and I'll do the rest. Okay? I'll be there. Thank you, sir. What's up with the cutest kid in the world coming in here? And he shorted me. He just gave me, like, 15 bucks for a $55 arrangement. Could I please have my receipt? What, did you get audited last year? I did. They always get the good guys, I'm telling you. Here. Thanks. You're retired, so these days, everybody travels to you. Maybe you only do school runs. You work from home, so drive mostly on the weekend. At Youi, we tailor your insurance premium to how you use or don't use your car. It could save you lots. Call: Life's better together. (GENTLE PIANO MUSIC) (SPEAKS INAUDIBLY) (MUSIC CONTINUES) Life's better together. Join Vodafone on a monthly plan, and if you don't love our network within 30 days, we'll give you your money back. That's our network guarantee. 5 So, like, last night, amazing. This morning, she couldn't get away fast enough. Any chance there was a little, shall we say, disappointment on her part? No. What? No. None. At all. Well-- No, no, no. It was fine. Fine's not good enough, dude. It was better than fine. It was a solid A. Minus. B plus, A minus. A minus. I hate Valentine's Day. Why can't these guys deliver their flowers to their girlfriends themselves? Wait, what? They just dump them in the mailroom. I mean, if they don't wanna take the time to-- Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's Valentine's Day today? Hello? Happy Valentine's Day. Wha--? No, it's a Monday. Valentine's Day always falls on a Thursday. That's Thanksgiving, Hoosier-head. Really? You're 25. You thought that for 25 years? Dude, he's from Indiana. They only celebrate Love Your Cousin Day. Uh, no, you're thinking of Kentucky. But, wow, of course Liz was acting weird this morning. You do have something planned for tonight, right? How could I have something planned for tonight? I didn't even know until right now. Um, I can do my lunch break, and I can do after 5? Okay, great. No, no, no. I don't mind people with fetishes. No, no, no, very creative people. I gotta put you on hold, sorry. Uh, good morning. You're a strong, confident person. Good morning. Who are you? Um, I am Liz. I am one of the receptionists. I'm subbing for Monica. Oh, yeah, Monica, because she wanted today off. Shit, she has a life. She had a funeral, which is a life, I guess. Well, Liz, I'm Paula. I know they call me Bipolar Paula. Don't. But you should know I'm in crisis. Okay. I don't wanna talk about it. Okay. It has nothing to do with being alone on Valentine's Day. Of course not. And everything to do with the client in crisis. That sounds challenging. Ha, "challenging"? Gotta figure out if he still has an athletic career. If he doesn't, big fat problemo. Well, I'm here to help you solve that problem. Who's on hold? My mother. I'm sorry. Hangs up on her own mother. That's cold. We might just get along. # Breaking up my heart # # Breaking up my heart # # Breaking up my heart # # Breaking up my heart # # Uh, uh, my heart # # Uh, uh, my heart # Hello, I'm Hannah Storm. And with football season officially over the only lingering question is: what will Sean Jackson do? A devastating loss in the championship game last week leaves his future in question. His contract is up, and at age 35 he's one of the oldest quarterbacks in the league. Does his team want him back? COACH: Of course I want Sean Jackson back. But it's not my decision. HANNAH: If not, will he test the waters of free agency? Or will he make this easier on everyone and just retire? Come on, Hannah. Lighten up. Hi, neighbour! WOMAN 1: Hey, Sean. Hey, girls. Hey, when are you gonna come over for a swim? Oh, sorry, sweetie. I got lots going on today. I'm running out of patience. And I'm running out of willpower. But right now, I gotta make a call. PHONE RINGING No. Uh-oh. Help! Heather! I'm coming, I'm coming! Yeah, hello? SEAN: Kara, it's Sean. Hi, hi. Ooh. What's going on? What's going on? SEAN: Media blitz on my career has begun. Yes, I know. Are you okay? Of course I'm okay. It comes with the territory. What I'd love is for my highly paid publicist to take care of it. I'm on it. I've got my people standing by and a press release ready to go. What else do you need? I got a meeting with my agent today. I want you to meet me there in about an hour. You'll be there? Hello? SEAN: Hello? Did I lose you? Malibu. You pay a fortune to be here to get crappy cell phone reception. No, no. I-I'm here. I'm here. I-I'll be at the meeting. Outstanding. MAN: Drumline, keep your eyes on Scotty. Registration for the AP exam is due next week, so don't flake. Hey, Grace. I was thinking of putting together just a little test-prep group for the class and I was hoping I could pick your brain about what to focus on since you've taken the test, and I've-- I haven't. Yeah, yeah. You know, no problem. Oh, great. How about, uh, today after school? You know, I can't today. I n-nanny after school. How about today at lunch? Uh, see, normally that would work for me but today at lunch, I'm gonna have sex with my boyfriend for the first time. Wow. First time having sex for both of us. That is quite a special time for you. It's Valentine's Day, we're in love, we're both 18 and I just want it to be special and-- The point is, my parents work, so they'll be gone during lunch. Lunch is the only time it can work out. You know, I'm free tomorrow lunchtime. Lunchtime tomorrow, I'll definitely be free. Oh, you'll be done having sex by then? Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow. It'll be good. All right. Bye. BELL RINGS TEACHER: Come sign the latte petition. Right over here, kids. Yeah. Right here. Okay. You're gonna eat first? No. No? Maybe some Gatorade. That's-- Yeah, I don't wanna get dehydrated. You're not gonna eat lunch? No. No lunch. Well, did you have a big breakfast? No. Do push-ups. I'm telling you, I do them before I run. What? Push-ups make you run faster? No. Makes you look better. I'll get you a sandwich for when you come back. Yeah, thanks. That's a good idea. TEACHER: Save the lattes. They're putting lattes in the vending machines? Finally. Hey. So I'm gonna go to English and then I'm gonna go set up. I'll see you there. All right. TEACHER: Thank you, Felicia. Mr. Schwabbe, I'm so glad you're taking care of this. You got it. And I like caramel lattes just, like, FYI. Duly noted. Have fun at lunch! What do you think? We're gonna wait. I think we should just, like, enjoy this time. Yeah. Okay. Good. Did you like your gift? I-- I didn't open it yet. You need to open it. It's, um, it's my track shirt. Yeah, but I ironed on your lucky number on the back. Thirteen. But that's your lucky number. You don't even like it. No. No, I love it. I can't wait to wear it. Okay. Try it on now, then. Now? Yeah. Well, you know, a little uncomfortable taking my shirt off in public. But, hey, I'll wear it later, okay? Okay. Are you gonna carry it around all day? Shut up. Let's go see if this fits in my locker. PAULA: This is his fifth paternity test. What are we talking about? So I spoke with the GM. They passed. Passed? We got to the playoffs. I was all-league. They decided to go another way. They're chasing that kid from Alabama. I'm working on a press release saying it was a mutual parting. Well, so now what? Well, we, um, we look for another team. I don't know. Maybe I'm done. You're not done. PAULA: Absolutely not. And I'm not speaking as someone who makes a lot of money off of you. I'm speaking as your fan. Right now, you can still make a ton of money doing what you love. Well, the problem is, Paula, it's not the only thing I want out of life. A relationship. Kids. PAULA: Well, you can still have that and play football. Look, I'm not complaining. I've been lucky. But-- So, what is he telling me? What are we gonna do? I think we should take a beat and, um, let Sean think about what he wants. Right? Right. We have no time for thinking. Put it on their tab. Come on! That's seven in a row. It's amazing. You are like-- This woman's a shark. You are good at this game. Not really. Just witnessed a tactical game of reading your opponent and adjusting accordingly. Wait, are you saying that you're reading me? Thank you. Happy Valentine's Day. Oh, thank you. Yes, I can read you. It's part of my training. Everyone gives subtle hints. Hints? Like what? Giveaways. You boarded the plane wearing a suit but no wedding ring. Serious, but not committed. You let a stranger sleep on your shoulder. Kindness, but also feels good to be needed. The heart-shaped candy. WHISPERING Another giveaway. Either you have a problem with sugar, which, based on the amount of maple syrup you put on your pancakes, I wouldn't think so. Or you have a problem with candy in the shape of a heart. Which means you might have a problem with romance and things pertaining to this day in particular. Mm. Not bad, soldier. 1 JULIA: Okay, Edison. Thank you very much. Now you all have seen how to properly place your valentines into our fabulous envelopes, go ahead. Great. And while you are doing that quietly, a little history about Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day was a massacre in Chicago where they shot everybody and put a curse on the Chicago Cubs. Thank you for sharing, Franklin, but this is a different Valentine's Day. Lose the hat. Okay, in ancient Rome Emperor Claudius II, who was also known as Claudius the Cruel. Claudius the Cruel banned all marriages because he wanted his soldiers to concentrate on war. But there was a priest who was known as Valentine who secretly married everyone anyway because he believed in love. Claudius found out about the marriages, and he threw Valentine in jail-- Girls. I'm watching you. Sh. Thank you. Anyway, on February the 14th, Valentine wrote a note to his beloved and he signed it: "Farewell, from your Valentine." Let's see. Are there any questions? Franklin, I can't wait to hear this. Go ahead. Miss Fitzpatrick, are you in love with anyone? KIDS LAUGHING I saw you on TV today. Was it on? Yeah, that's why I'm here. Yes. We're famous! MICHAEL: Yay, we're famous. Yes. So you're the owner, I take it. Yeah, tech-- Yes. My grandfather actually started it in Italy. Yeah, my dad brought it over, but now I got the shop. That's great. It's a family business. Look, I hate to play this card, but I'm a doctor. I have surgery in an hour and a half. Is there any way you could help me? Say no more. Thank you. Could I get an order form, please, for the great doctor here? Uh, I need two arrangements. Something special, long-stemmed roses for each one of my, uh, ladies. I need your discretion. We have an understanding, right? I understand. There's a florist code. Great. Here's the credit card. And here are the addresses. These are the addresses for the ladies. Harrison Copeland? Yes, you need-- You want some ID? Nope. Should be good. This, um-- Okay, this Julia Fitzpatrick, that would be your... girlfriend. Yes. And this, uh, Pamela Copeland... it's the same last name as you. Would that be your wife? Yes. I thought we had some sort of code, understanding. The code is the code. I just wanna make sure that your understanding is the same understanding as my understanding. Understand? Yeah, can you run the card, please? Yep. Thank you. I have to get my wallet. I'll be right back. (CLEARS THROAT) SIGHS FOREIGNER'S "FEELS LIKE THE FIRST TIME" PLAYING) CELL PHONE CHIMES Wish me luck. All us virgins are pulling for you. If you need any help, text me. # It feels Like the first time # # Feels like The very first time # # It feels Like the first time # DOG BARKS # Like the very first time # BARKING Pushkin. BARKS, PANTS Good girl. Go play. GROWLING BARKS Pushkin, no. Downstairs, Pushkin. WHIMPERS One... # Oh, Grace # # When I saw your face # WHIMPERS # Oh, Grace # PUSHKIN BARKING Hey, you. Come on. Mommy's home for a minute. Wha--? Come on, sweetie. # Made my heart race # # Like a high-speed chase # # Grace # Grace? Oh, my--! Alex! Holy-- Mrs. Smart. Oh, my gosh! What are you doing here? I-I'm rehearsing! Naked? Naked! Yes! It's, um, it's experiment-- I'm doing an ex-- Ow! Experimental show. It's very, very avant-garde, uh, type of thing. And the-- Oh, shit! I mean, excuse me! It's okay. I've heard the word before. Not shit! God, look at the time. I gotta go. Thank you for everything, though. I'm so sorry! It's okay. Are you okay? No, please! Do not come closer. This does not look right, Alex. Thanks for everything and... Oh, my God. No, Pushkin. Pushkin, no. Pushkin. Pushkin. That's okay. You know what, I'm gonna just-- All right. Breathe. Oh, my goodness. All right. See you very soon, Mrs. Smart! Bye-bye. ### MRS. SMART: Alex, honey, cover your hoo-hoo! HORN HONKING Grace! Grace! Wh-- What are you doing? What happened? Mom. What, your mom? Yeah, sure. My mom was at your house. Wha--? My mom. What did you say? That I was rehearsing. Naked? Did she buy it? I think so. My fear made me very convincing. I wrote you a song. STARTS PLAYING GUITAR WITH RUSSIAN ACCENT If you do that again, Vladimir, I will have no choice but to get down off my horse and punish you. MAN: Hello? Who wants a valentine? I am wearing my thigh-high black leather boots carrying my riding crop. Now pull down your pants and bend over. MAN: I think this floor has the most valentines. What a sweet little pink ass you have. And I will beat it with my crop until you submit to me, you filthy peasant. I will beat it, and beat it, and beat it, and beat it. SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN LOW-PITCH VOICED Thank you for calling Naughty Nymphos. The charge will appear on your credit card as Vague Entertainment. Hi there! Ha, ha. Hi. Well, if it isn't the gymnast. Well... Yes. To paraphrase some poet: Uh, "there's a hell of a nice universe next door. Let's go." E.E. Cummings. Yeah, E.E. Good stuff. Yeah. Good stuff. I think you said he was your favourite. Yes. I did say he was my favourite. He had me at the font. I feel, like, so stupid for forgetting that it's Valentine's Day today. Oh, no. It's really not a big deal. You know what, it is to me. So, um, can I take you out tonight? Yes. That would be wonderful. Yes. PAULA: How fast does that cart go? Well, let's find out. Liz... there's a man on line 2 asking me to cover him up in Vaseline and bubble wrap. I'll take care of that. Um, damn prank callers. And he doesn't have a Russian accent, so I don't think you'll need your horse. You heard that? It's my phone line. Oh, Paula. I'm so sorry. I am so sorry. Um, am I fired? It's cool. You got a way with dirty words, I like that. Just make sure you answer my calls first. Absolutely. Oh, you do not have to worry about-- That. Probably not gonna make Employee of the Month. # Shawty, quit your job # # He make you work too hard # # Baby, quit your job # # Qu-qu-quit your 9 to 5 # GREENY ON RADIO: You're listening to "Mike and Mike in the Morning" on ESPN, America's number one sports talk show. MIKE: And, Greeny, the news of the hour: Sean Jackson, now a free agent. GREENY: What's he supposed to do? MIKE: He can check out Craigslist, see who's hiring. HORN HONKING (BREAKS SQUEALING) Whoa. HORNS HONKING AIR HISSING SIGHS Oh, man. Hey, man, you see this? You did this. Man, you're gonna pay for this. Easy, big fella. I know it was my fault. If you just call my business manager, he's got all my information. And I'll have my business manager call your business manager, okay? Sean Jackson. Oh, man, my neck. Oh, and my back. And my chest. I'm just kidding. Whoa, dude, will you sign my hat? Sure. Thirty-five completions, three touchdowns on the ground. They think you should hang it up. That's gratitude for you. Well, thanks, buddy. But that, uh, that door's pretty messed up. You got another truck? Yeah, but I'm already behind. Valentine's Day is kind of a big day flower-wise. I don't know why people get flowers delivered. You can go buy 'em and give them yourself. Some folks like to get flowers at the workshop. To some people, love doesn't exist unless you acknowledge it in front of other people. Huh. You're a superstar, Sean. Drive better. YELLS Uh, yeah, Kara, it's me. Listen, I know what I wanna do. I think. NAT KING COLE'S "TE QUIERO, DIJISTE" PLAYING) HORN HONKING Oh, no, man, not today. SPEAKING IN SPANISH SPEAKING IN SPANISH CARD PLAYING "WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN") REED: So, what do I do? Do I tell her and break her heart, or do I just keep it to myself and stay out of it? It's none of my business. You really want my opinion? Yes. No. Well, it depend-- W-What's your opinion? You have to ask yourself, if the situation was reversed what would you want her to do? Why you gotta be so sensitive? It's because you're so fragile. Okay, so a neutral chlorine atom has 17 protons and 17 electrons. And, if these two atoms become-- CHILDREN CHATTERING Hi. This order came into the shop for you. I thought I'd deliver it myself. Hey, guys, this is my friend, Reed. Say hi. ALL: Hi, Reed. Take a look at chapter 10, section two. Just, quietly, to yourselves. They're from Harrison. Did he come into the shop? Wow. Did you meet him? I kind of need to talk to you. Do you have a second? Yeah, sure. Edison, you're in charge. FRANKLIN: Recess. Let's party. Sit down, and be quiet. Got that? I'm just glad you got to see them. They're so cute. Yeah. They're great. Hey, guess what. I got a flight. I'm leaving at 5:30. I'll be there by dinner. You know what, actually, I don't think it's a good idea. Why? It was your idea. Well, sometimes I have bad ideas. It was a genius idea. Mr. Bouquet, what about my flowers? Is everything okay? I gave you $13. Oh, right. I remember. Yeah, they're probably on the truck. Don't worry, man, they'll be here soon. Edison, I've known Mr. Bouquet for a long, long time. If he tells you your flowers are gonna be here, then they will be here. Just give me 30 seconds. Hold down the fort. I'll be right back. Don't get on the plane. Why not? You're sweet. Is this because Harrison came into the shop? Yeah. And it made you realize that things could-- Things could change between us. No, it's not about me. Because up to now, all these years, I've just been there for you. A-And with Morley, if she works late, i-if you wanna see a bad movie she doesn't wanna see or if you wanna have junk food that she's not gonna have, I'm clearly your go-to girl. And you're the b-- You're the best. And now, there's this guy in the mix. And he's not just a guy... he's a man. You're afraid he's gonna steal me? No. When he came in-- Because, listen, since I-- Oh, okay. I, um-- I'm your buddy. Don't worry. I know. I'm not going anywhere. But thanks for coming. I'll call you later. Hey, what's happening in here? Get back in your seat! What in the-- Stop that. Get back. That is enough. Have you lost your minds? To your seat. That's it. REED: Julia! I can't talk right now! I'll have to call you later! Break it up. Let's go. Come on. Stop it. Stop looking at me like that. I tried to tell her. Not hard enough, Reed. You don't know. Oh, I don't know? No, you've never seen her sad. She looks like an abandoned puppy dog when she cries. I'm not gonna do that to her. Especially not today. I'm not gonna ruin Valentine's Day for her. I know what day it is. We got a van full of flowers. But at least hurry up, Reed. We're behind. You can't rush love. I'm gonna drop this off in the bedroom before Morley gets home. I'll be right back. He's not gonna hurry. I'm gonna fish. BELL RINGS BOYS SCREAMING Hey, how was your day? Go, go. What--? Go! No, wait. I want to get out of here. Okay, breathe. Like I taught you. All right, now tell me what's wrong. She doesn't know I love her. She didn't get her flowers. She doesn't know. I need to make things right. Will you please help me, Grace? Please? Of course. But first, soccer. Hang on. Okay, I can hear you now. Okay. It's gonna be me all alone at my own party. Nobody R.S.V.P.'s. It's L.A. Everyone wants you to think they have a life. I hate you being so in love. Oh, I know. Thank you. Speaking of which, I am going to San Francisco. Sorry I won't be there. Whack the heart for me, honey. I gotta go. Bye. DOG BARKING Carmine, relax. It's me. Hey. Reed. What are you doing here? Are you okay? Is it--? I'm sorry. I love you. But I'm just not ready for this kind of commitment. And I didn't know that this morning. No, it's okay. I shouldn't have rushed it. We can wait. You didn't do anything wrong. I shouldn't have been surprised when you asked. I should be thinking about our future together. But I'm still focused on my future. Look, you can still have your career, baby. We're getting married. We're not-- We're not-- We're not becoming monks or something. And then there's the whole thing with my parents' horrible... Y-Your parents? Wait. Hold-- Wait a second. Just because your parents had a bad divorce does not mean that you're going to have a bad divorce. They're not hereditary. It's not like-- It's not like it's contagious, all right? You're not getting it. You know, the first phone call I made after you proposed was to my office. To confirm my 10:00 meeting. It's really beautiful. For someone else. Don't worry. It's-- Me and Carmine will be fine. Won't we? Won't we, Carmine? Right, baby? Carmine, come. Come here. Okay, all right. Yeah. Okay... Did you even consider marrying me? Of course I did. But when you ask a girl to marry you, do you want her to just consider it? Or do you want her to just know? ROMEO ON RADIO: It's Romeo Midnight, back again. And if those topsy-turvy feelings have got you twisted inside-out, think of the poet Rumi, who 800 years ago said: "All we really want is love's confusing joy." Amen, brother. She was there, huh? Is that it? So this, you believe. You don't buy it when she says yes to me, but when she dumps me, that you can wrap your head around. I had a feeling. Excuse me? That it wasn't right, Reed. Man, you know... an inkling. An inkling? You had a-- You had- You had an inkling, and you kept it to yourself? SPEAKING IN SPANISH You don't keep inklings to yourself. You share them. You're like: "Hey, guy. I got an inkling you're headed for a fall here." That's what friends do. That's common knowledge. It's in the damn handbook. I'm sorry, Reed. You're right. I gotta stop Julia, don't I? If it's the damn handbook, I think you better. Now, let's go. PEOPLE CHATTERING SECURITY: Next. VIBRATING JULIA: I'm going to visit my boyfriend. I'm surprising him. Oh, yeah. Guys love surprises. Is that sarcasm? I surprised my husband once. Now he's my ex-husband. Oh, that sucks-- Yes. Never touch security, ma'am. Yes, ma'am. Copy that. Okay. Next. Have a nice day. You too, ma'am. HUMMING I never had an inkling before. I didn't know what to do with it. We gotta get to the airport. Oh, shit. The flowers. Well, I'll deliver them. You go. I don't have a car. All I have is this van. My cousin Flaco lives nearby. He's got a car you can borrow. It's a Chevy. Yeah? A hybrid. # California love # MOTOR ROARS # California # # California # MOTOR ROARS, BREAKS SQUEALING) # California # Right over there. The guy leaves the dog. I said, "We can't take the dog." He says, "You know, he'll be right back--" Hi. I need, huh, your first ticket out of terminal G to San Francisco. This counter for oversized items. Right. I-- But you sell tickets. This counter for oversized items. But you sell tickets, right? That counter is for oversized people, this counter is for oversized items, okay? Okay, here's my luggage. Now it's a matched set. Buddy, I'm 52 and I'm wearing a bright blue shirt to work. Please don't make me madder than I am. I'm sorry. There's this girl. Oh, don't tell me, that'll take the fun out of guessing. Gonna be a tough one. There's a very pretty girl, and she's about to get on a big airplane. And if you don't stop her, she'll never know how you really feel. Not exactly. What am I missing? If she gets on the plane, she's gonna find out the hard way that... the guy that she thinks she's in love with is a spineless, lying creep. That's no good. No, it is no good, and I can't let that happen. Because this girl, she is great. She's like... sunshine. Everything is better when she's there. I can't stand the idea of some jerk hurting her. I just can't. I can't. Can you please be quiet so this nice young man can sell me a ticket. Please? Take it easy. Here, this'll get you to any gate in the place. She's like sunshine, huh? Yeah. Well, in that case, it's on me. Go on, get out of here. Thank you. (LAUGHING) Thank you. Right this way. Come on. Let me see. All right. Hey, sir. Sir. Just a moment, sir. WOMAN (ON PA): Attention please. Flight 464 to San Francisco is now boarding at gate 13 in terminal G. GIRL: The-- The man left his shoes. Mister, the man forgot his shoes. We've got a Code Foxtrot. Excuse me. excuse me! MAN ON PA: We've got a Code Foxtrot. Oh, on Mount Tam? Do you think? Because I heard there's a little restaurant-- He's a friend of mine. It's okay. What is--? What are you doing? Just-- Where are your shoes? Are you okay? He's married. What? Harrison. He's married. He was married, and now he's divorced. No. He's still married. Her name is Pamela. They live in Brentwood. I know because I delivered flowers to her. I tried to tell you at the school. Did he say it was his current wife? Did he say "I'm sending flowers to my current wife"? He didn't have to. I could tell. Like you could tell that my old boyfriend Eddie was gay. Eddie was gay. Eddie is married with two beautiful kids. Eddie has a cat named Babs. You've tried to talk me out of every boyfriend since we've met. I'm telling you the truth. I promise. I'm going. No, hang on, hang on. Come here, come here. Why, hello there. I'm with security. Do you think that Morley and I belong together? What does that have to do with anything? Just tell me. Do you? I-I don't know. If you love her and if she loves you-- Answer the question. Fine. No. Personally, I don't see it. That's what I'm doing here. Because apparently everyone and their mother felt that way, but nobody had the guts to tell me. And now, I'm left with some stupid ring and an empty closet and an ache in my gut the size of Texas, because nobody told me. She left you. Today. Oh. I'm sorry. This will serve as your final boarding call for flight 464 to San Francisco. GASPS I don't want this to happen to you. I'm sorry about Morley, but I'm going to see my boyfriend. You know it's the truth. Sir, your shoes are still at security. We're not allowed to touch them. Sir, what kind of man takes his shoes off and leave them off in public? Now, you know, it's some nasty stuff on these floors, sir. (GENTLE PIANO MUSIC) (SPEAKS INAUDIBLY) (MUSIC CONTINUES) Life's better together. Join Vodafone on a monthly plan, and if you don't love our network within 30 days, we'll give you your money back. That's our network guarantee. You get into that car and you get yourself killed or you kill someone else, I become part of it too. How? PEOPLE CHATTER, DANCE MUSIC PULSATES They've been on the sauce. They've been on the sauce. Your party! They've been on the sauce. Your party! That's Mary's boy, isn't it? Yeah. Maybe you should say something. Maybe you should say something. Nah. I'm crap at that kind of thing, Barry. Yeah, but they're just kids. If we don't say something... (GROANS) Hey, boys? Boys? Why don't you get a lift home tonight? Oh, whatever, mate. I've only had a couple. No, no, no, no. It's too late now. I've spoken to you and I know your mum, so that means our fates are aligned. You get into that car and you get yourself killed or you kill someone else, I become part of it too. How? How? Well, it's like, um, my balls are in your hands. BOYS LAUGH, SNORT BOY: Oh, you want the balls! BOY: Oh, you want the balls! Nobody wants that. Hey, how about I drive you? What? Oh. What? Oh. BOYS LAUGH, DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO (SWITCHES RADIO STATION) (SWITCHES RADIO STATION) YODELLING MUSIC PLAYS I like it. 5 Whoa. Sorry. PA DINGS FLIGHT ATTENDANT ON PA: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sure you've noticed we're experiencing turbulence. Nothing to be concerned about, but the captain has turned on the seat belt sign for safety. Please return to your seats until we pass through this, which should be in just a few minutes. Yeah. Yeah. I'll just put it there. Watch your hands. You look very pretty. (CLEARS THROAT) Thank you. Are you nervous? Yes. No reason to be. The minute you walk through that door nothing else is gonna matter. Thank you. WHISTLE BLOWS Franklin rules! Hey, Edison, wanna warm up together? Yeah, Edison. Warm up with your girlfriend. Grow up, Franklin. Are you gonna watch Discovery Channel tonight? It's about giraffes. No, I can't. I have to work at my mother's restaurant. The one with the pointy towers? Yeah. I went there for your birthday party. RANI: It's a busy night for us. We have a wedding, and a party for people who hate Valentine's Day. Why hate Valentine's Day? I don't know. We have it every year, and it's all of Miss Fitzpatrick's friends. Really? Not in Franklin's house! (WHISTLE BLOWS) Come on, the game's starting! CHILDREN CLAMOURING Edison, what the heck is wrong with you? I'm in love. So am I, but I can move my feet. CHEERING Did you see it? I went like this with my head. I kicked the ball with my head! Didn't you see it? Oh, I did see it, honey. Mommy's so proud of you. Let's go find Daddy. I'm Kelvin Moore on channel 13. Happy Valentine's Day. MAN: Welcome to the famous Hollywood Stars-- WOMAN: Don't you know who I am, huh? You think I wouldn't find you here? What are you doing? I'm trying to work. Look at this, everyone! This is not in-- This isn't for pictures. Miss. Oh, mother, what's going on? Why so--? "Cisco Martinez is a cheating rat." She's loco, man. I don't know what she's talking about. No, rata. You rata! Cisco! Cisco! What are you doing? This is-- Oh, she kneed him in the gonads. Oh, my goodness, I feel for you. The Dodger Dog. I'm okay. Sleeping with them? Anyway, my name is Kelvin Moore. Happy Valentine's Day. KVLA, channel 13. We done? Got a text. Sean Jackson is calling a press conference. This could be my exclusive, okay? Listen, keep filming. All right, do some B-roll or something like that, all right? CAMERA MAN: No worries, boss. It's my day. Hey, listen, I need to be able to talk to Kara for two seconds. I already gave you everything on the press conference, so we are good. I'm trying to do something special. Look-- Look at the profile. I'm from KVLA. The number two sports guy. On my way to number one. I wanted to ask her one question about Sean Jackson. I just need to be able to ask Sean Jackson one question on camera. She's on a conference call, she's very busy. I don't know if I can-- Oh, my bladder. I gotta use the bathroom. Got a bathroom? Oh, I dropped my notes. No. You can't just barge into-- Kara. Kara. Damn. Oh, Kara. Are you okay? Oh, do I look okay? Should we call a doctor? No, it's this day. Christmas, New Year's, Fourth of July, she's fine. Valentine's Day, not so good. What are you doing tonight, Kelvin? Um... I'm actually here about the Sean Jackson interview, but, um, we could talk. Relax, I'm not asking you out. I'm just curious. How are you spending this happiest of all days? Let me just... You don't wanna call somebody? I just wanna know if, in fact, I am the only person on the whole freaking planet who is completely and 100-percent alone on Valentine's Day. I asked you a question. Yeah. Uh, I'm working. I got three telecasts: 9, 10, and 11:00. Usually, I do two, but people want it off, so I'm happy to cover for them on this day. You don't like to go out on Valentine's Day? I hate it. Me too. It's my fault I'm alone. I'm neurotic to the nth degree. I don't have time to work on myself because I'm too busy fixing everyone else. Right. My closest relationship is with my BlackBerry. Right. Thank God it vibrates. Oh, no. But do you know who has always been there for me? Who's that? My best friend: Candy. There's somebody. I cannot get enough. And I know it's bad, Kara. but I need it. I need it, and there is not a shortage on Valentine's Day. And that is my future. I'll be a lonely old lady with rotting teeth. No, no, no. No, you're not. And a chocolate moustache. GRUNTING (SOBBING) Okay, maybe you should try some tofu or something. Okay. It'll balance out your emotions. I don't want a moustache. You'll look hot with a moustache. Or without it. It doesn't matter. You can let go of me now. Yeah, I should. Well, I guess we're done here. All right. You can check with Heather. She'll validate your parking. You have a blessed day. MAN: On your mark. Get set. (GUNSHOT) GIRLS CHEERING GREG: I'm Greg Gilkins at my old high school, Henderson High and today's subject: young love. I'm joined by Felicia, whose boyfriend, Willy, is at track practice, will be joining us shortly. Felicia, if he's the star athlete, you are...? Not the cheerleader. I'm on the dance team. Maybe you could show us a little bit. Five, six, seven, eight. GREG: Don't hurt yourself. WILLY: Yes. I haven't seen moves like that since the '94 Northridge quake. You guys are-- Oh. So how do you two feel about each other this Valentine's Day? Oh, my gosh. I totally love him. And I'm crazy about her. So, Willy, what is it about her that makes you so happy? Well, she's beautiful, she makes me laugh... and she does my geometry. Bonus. Yep. And, Felicia what is it about Willy that's so cool? What, besides the fact that he's totally hot? He's an amazing athlete. Go show 'em, babe. Go show 'em, go show 'em. He's so good. CHEERING Okay, how about this? I cook her dinner and then serve it to her in front of a fireplace. That says romance. That says cheap-o. Okay, not a problem. I got her tickets to the movie at the Hollywood Cemetery. Oh, yeah. Chicks love the cemetery on Valentine's Day. Don't you think you should get a her gift? Gift? I'm supposed to get her a Prius? We've been dating for like two weeks. Is there a two-week gift? If you want there to be a third week there is. So how did you guys meet? It's really funny, actually. Like, I was not into him at first. He used to shoot spit wads at me in Spanish class, which is, like, so junior high. But then one night I was brushing out my hair when I got home, and I found this spit wad, but it was really a note. And it said, "What's up?" And I was like, "That is so cute." And then I liked him. GRUNTS Oh, my God. Baby, are you okay? Walk it off, baby. Just walk it off. You're still hot, baby. You're still hot. GREG: Wow, he rolled out of that like a ninja. He's usually good at those. He's quite the athlete, you're quite the dancer, huh? Five, six, seven, eight! No, I think-- I think we're okay. Oh, we haven't seen that one. Way to go. She tell you the spit-wad story? Yes, she did. Yeah, she's mushy like that. You like it. I know. Oh, I miss high school. There you have it, young love. Full of promise, full of hope, ignorant of reality. From Henderson High on Valentine's Day, I'm Greg Gilkins, channel 13. 1 Okay. Sorry, Mr. E., but they can't get your flowers delivered today, but they'll figure it out tomorrow. No, it has to be today. It has to. Oh, just let him go. Let him go, let him go, let him go. I'll tell you, today's a lot of pressure for anyone, let alone a little kid. Come on. Tell me about it. I haven't been having the best day myself. Is everything okay with Alex? Not really. ESTELLE: Uh-oh, what happened? Alex and I were supposed to... have sex today. For the first time. For both of us. I wanted it to be magical, and I'm realizing that it's hard to plan something to be magical, you know? Yes, that-- That it is. Love can't be planned. It's not love she's talking about, Edgar. It is sex. He's-- He's going to Stanford. I'm going to Yale. And it's just hit me recently that it's gonna be really hard to stay together. So I guess I thought that if we had this amazing thing connecting us, it'd make it easier, somehow, but I don't know, hearing myself say it out loud, it all sounds really stupid. And it's not like I'm gonna sleep with one person for the rest of my life, right? I mean, that's just crazy. Who does that? Oh, crazy people like us. We did. No. That's amazing. Well, granted, it was a different time, and people weren't as promiscuous as they are now. And there were times we spent long periods apart, but we managed. I'm not saying it was easy or suggesting it for you. Just saying it's possible. And actually, we're gonna renew our vows this spring, right? CELL PHONE RINGS Would you excuse us a minute? Yeah. I'm gonna take this. Hey. No, I'm just at Edgar and Estelle's. What are you doing? It's... Alex, I gotta tell you something. I don't know if today's the day. I want it to be special, you want it to be special, and, you know, we tried to make it special, but, you know... Do you wanna go back there and see my mom after what happened earlier? I don't think so. All right, well, okay. Um... You know what, Alex, sorry. I nee-- I need to call you back. I really have to go. I'll call you later. Bye. Edison! Remember when you went away to Florida to build the apartments? You remember that. And you were gone a very long time. Yes. You were gone so long. I was so lonely. And, um... Well, Joey came over. It was my birthday, and he brought flowers, and-- I sent you flowers, hon. Yes, you did. And champagne. Joey? Wait a minute. Joey Keenan? Yes. My business partner. That's right. And we sat and we talked and we had dinner, and we... And then.... I-It wasn't anything at first. And, um... You had an affair. Yes. But it didn't last long, Edgar. Didn't last long, and we regretted it very much. I'm so sorry. You're the only man I've ever loved. Then why tell me now? It's been bothering me. Our vows and everything. And I wanted to tell you the truth. The truth? SIGHS Well, unfortunately, Estelle, the truth makes everything else seem like a lie. I'm sorry. KATE: Why do you hate heart-shaped candy? I think it's because it reminds me that this is Valentine's Day, and I'm recently single. We weren't on the same page. Sorry. It's okay. It's over. Nothing to be done? No, no. I've seen the enemy and the enemy is me. You could go for the stewardess. She seems to like you. I think she likes everybody, that's her job. She looks over here every 5 seconds. No. Ready? Five, four, three-- You wanna bet on it? I'll bet you a bag of pretzels. Okay. Five, four, three, two... Oh, there it is. Okay. All right, that was a coincidence. Five, four, three-- Stop it. Stop it. Looked on three. She's gonna come here. Excuse me. Can I get you anything? A bag of pretzels, please. Two, actually. LAUGHS NURSE: Thank you for the flowers, Mr. Troken. Ready for your sponge bath? MAN: Yes, please. Hi, excuse me. Hi. Could I ask you a question? I'm looking for Dr. Copeland. Is he here tonight? Not tonight, no. Oh, sorry, Dr. Harrison Copeland. Not tonight. PHONE RINGS Could you tell me where I could find him? Are you a patient? Is something wrong? Look, can I ask you a question, just woman to woman? Okay. Is Dr. Copeland married? Not divorced or not separated, just full-on married to a woman named Pamela? They just celebrated their 15th anniversary. PHONE RINGS Cardiology Centre. PHONE RINGS Los Angeles Hospital, may I help you? Bistro Garden, early seating. JULIA: Kara, I'm still here. I'm-- I'm in L.A. I have a lot to tell you. Give me a call when you can. KARA: May I have your attention, please? I'm Sean's publicist and recently there has been a lot of speculation about his future. And rather than keep you all in suspense, he will make a brief statement at this time. SEAGULL CAWING Hey, boss. Sorry, elevator took a year. Cleaning up? I'm trying to be you. All right. First off, I'd like to thank everyone for coming. I know it's Valentine's Day and you might have other plans, so I'll be quick. The cliche when someone's retiring who doesn't wanna retire is to say that it's because they wanna spend more time with their family. I don't have a family, and with everything football has given me the biggest thing it's taken away is that. Because of who I am... because of my job... I haven't been able to live the life I want to. With that in mind, I'll just say the thing I came here to say. I'm gay. I knew it! Any questions? REPORTER 1: Are you kidding me? And be cool, because I'm not above kicking anybody's ass. REPORTER 2: Sean, you for real? Uh, first question. REPORTER 3: Sean, come on, help me out. Kelvin Moore, KVLA. Sean, I'm confused here. Are you saying that you're retiring? Oh, right, that. Nah, Kelvin. No, I'm not retiring. I'm gay, and I'm gonna play. CHATTING Pick up the phone, Estelle. Edgar. Rosato martini with soda, table six. You got it. I'm not really a waitress, I'm an actress. I just did a day on Days of Our Lives. Happy Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's to you. You look beautiful. Thank you. HARRISON: Thank you. Olivia's gonna need braces. Well, that makes sense. I had them, you had them. I know. PHONE RINGS WAITER: Bistro Gardens restaurant. Good evening. GULPS COUGHING Hi. Harrison? Are you okay? Excuse me. Excuse-- You all right, sir? You okay? Great. Well, my name is Julia, and I'm gonna be your server tonight. Why don't I get started with a few specials? Yes, please. Tonight the chef is featuring a dish that he likes to call the lying, stinking pig. You're-- You're kidding. How is that cooked? He starts by cutting off the pig's testicles and he chops them up really finely, teeny, tiny pieces. And then he takes those testicles, and he pulverizes them and adds in a little arugula, some sage, feta cheese, and shoves the mixture back up the pig's-- Well, for lack of a better word, ass. Really? Yeah. Then he cuts out the heart. The cold, useless, tiny, little heart, then, uh, fillets it on either side and it's a nice amuse-bouche. I'll have the salmon. Good choice. For you, sir? I-- I'm not-- I don't-- I don't know. Oh, just so you know, the, um, heart of the pig, little something like this. Did we get a toy? Maybe I'll give you a little time to juggle the choices, sir. Nicely done. Miss Fitzpatrick, my son Franklin really loves your class. Oh, he's got a great imagination. Yeah. So I guess we'll charge these to-- Oh, charge these to my friend over there. MAN: I figured, so I put in some lobster tails and a cheesecake. CHUCKLES Thank you, Amos. 1 (LEIGHTON MEESTER'S "SOMEBODY TO LOVE" PLAYING) # Is there somebody Who still believes in love # # I know you're out there # # There's got to be somebody # KARA: Um, and then maybe these? Put that ticket right-- Put it where you're looking. Yep. Yep. Great. Thank you. Now let me take that thing. Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Oh, crap. Just go. PHONE RINGS Golden Kadahi, best Indian restaurant in Los Angeles. How may I help you? Hi. This is Rehka speaking. PEOPLE CHEERING, CHATTING) PIANO MUSIC PLAYING Hey, Liz. Oh, hi. Hey. Hey. I made it. Cannot even believe it. Oh, sorry. Sorry. Hi. Sorry. Wow, Liz, you look beautiful. Thank you. Paula's indefinite trip out of the office coincided very nicely with my "haul ass home and throw on something festive" plan, so... You look wonderful. WOMAN MOANING CLEARS THROAT Hi. So-- I was think-- What? Did you want-- Sorry. Go ahead. No, you first. No, please. You should. You-- Oh, okay. You don't wanna be an agent, do you? No, but I may need an agent so I figure might as well learn the business while I'm agentless. Good evening, sir, ma'am. Welcome to The Blvd. Would you like the four-course Sweetheart's Menu or the eight-course Eternal Love? Whoa, slow down. Is there, like, a one-course Uh, "Only Been Dating For Two Weeks But It Looks Promising" option? Because.... I-I-I'm kidding. I realize that, sir. I'll come back when you're serious. He's your biggest fan. Hello? That's my water. Oh. You know what, I didn't touch mine, so why don't you go ahead and have it? Happy Valentine's Day. Well, same to you. Charlie! What? She said happy Valentine's Day. Look-- I can't talk now? I'm sorry this place is such a zoo. It's fine. I mean, they're fighting, they're mating, and I'm in the zoo with you. CHUCKLES God. Um... Jason, I, um, really like you and, um, I was-- I just... I'm just wondering how you feel about the idea of, um... RINGTONE PLAYING FUNKY MUSIC Oh, God. I've gotta-- I'm gonna take this outside. Sure, sure, sure. Yeah, go. I'm sorry. Thank you. Go ahead. Be right back. Sure. RINGTONE PLAYING FUNKY MUSIC WITH SOFT VOICE All right, Stanley, listen to me. We're gonna make this hard, and we're gonna make this fast. RECEPTIONIST: Yes, we can get you two adjoining rooms. Yes. But with the door open, you still have to pay for both. Okay. Bye-bye now. Hi. Hi. Welcome to the Beverly Wilshire. How many checking in? Two. Two? I mean one. Well, technically, it's two. One person and Carmine, my dog. A person and a dog. Okay, that would be our pleasure. Oh, okay. Oh, and by the way, happy Valentine's Day. You too. And Julia's not even in love with that guy. How do you know that? She was too calm about the whole thing. I mean, always under control. Listen: "The way of love is not a subtle argument. The door there is devastation." The master. So according to Rumi, love has to be devastating? Listen. You don't step into love, my friend, you fall in. Head over heels. You ever seen somebody fall head over heels in love for real, Reed? It's ugly, bro. Toxic, septic. Come on, boss. Still got a few hours left. Make something happen with somebody someplace. Cookie? I'm good. Day's not over yet, man. Give me some. Hey, tell me something. How'd you and your wife get it so right? That's easy. I married my best friend. Thought I was your best friend. Yeah, you're my man. That's my lady. Night. Good night. Go give your wife those cookies, huh? Best for the best. Yeah. Best for the best. Kate. Hey, have a great trip. Thanks. Nice meeting you. Yeah. MAN 1: This is my taxi! MAN 2: No, no, I been waiting. WOMAN: I've been waiting 45 minutes. MAN 3: Be a little patient, folks. Hey, Redmond. Welcome back, Mr. Wilson. Did you have to wait long? Not long at all. Check any bags? No. FEMALE VOICE ON PA They're right through there. BUZZES May I help you, captain? Thank you. You okay? No, I'm fine. It's just the SuperShuttle, it's gonna take nine stops to get to my house. Thought I'd pay for a cab, and I go there, and the line's two miles long. Now I'm headed to the rental car place. Which is gonna take an hour to get there by shuttle. I'm gonna help. Really? Yeah, I have a car. I live in the Valley. I want you to have it. You travelled so far for a few hours. You should spend every possible second with this guy. And it's already paid for. Redmond will take you wherever you need to go. You just give him the address. Thank you. Thank you. He's a lucky man. Thank you. Bye. Rani, sweetheart, why are you moping? Is this about a boy because it's Valentine's Day? Did you get many valentines? Oh, sweetheart, don't be sad. When the time is right, your father and I we are going to find you a nice Indian boy. Hey, cheer up, Rani. I'll be your valentine. Alex, please, for now, be our delivery boy. I have an Indian wedding, and I have a private party going on. Perfect. RECEPTIONIST: Beverly Wilshire, this is Michelle. Yeah, I'm gonna have to put you on hold. All right, thanks. Bye-bye. Excuse me. You didn't happen to see a really pretty girl, blue dress, come through here? Are you a guest of the hotel, or...? Uh, no, we were at the, uh, early seating. Oh, okay. Yeah, she was on the phone, and she just went out that way. Oh, okay. Thanks. Yeah, no problem. Put the blindfold on right now, Stanley. Oh, you know what's gonna happen when you do. Sugar and your little kitty cat, oh, we're gonna lick you all up and down. Scratchy little tongues going up and down your-- PURRING, PANTING Oh, Stanley, I'm gonna have to have a mint julep to cool down after that one. Talk to you next time. Thank you. Oh, God. That is a really unusual way to talk to your boss. It's not what you think. Really? Oh, awesome. Because what I think it is is you leaving me at dinner to talk dirty to your boyfriend, Stanley. So-- No, no, no. What a relief to know you're not someone who licks people with their scratchy kitty-cat tongue. I moonlight as an adult-phone entertainer. Like phone sex? Yes. This is the busiest day of the year for phone sex. Surprise. Why didn't you tell me? Okay. I'm broke. I have a hundred-K student loan I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to pay off. I have no health insurance. So if you know of a job that will pay a poetry major more than $40 an hour, with her clothes on, I'm all ears. Okay. I'm out. No, Ja-- Are you gonna call me? Well, you know, I'd like to say yes, but... I don't know if I can afford it. I'm sorry, that was-- I'm sorry. Come on, you know I didn't mean that. I'm just-- This is, like... This is way too much for me, okay? I'm from Muncie, Indiana. Like, the wildest thing I ever did was... leave Muncie, Indiana. Look, this is me, it's not you. Yeah. I just... I'm sorry, Liz. WOMAN 1 ON PA: Welcome to the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. Enjoy your romantic evening. WOMAN 2: Please, everyone form a single-file line. WOMAN SPEAKING IN SPANISH MAN: She said she would meet me right before showtime. Here it is but she's not here yet, and-- I got her these flowers because I'm so sorry. I mean, it was a small fire. It's a small dog. Everything's fine, and-- WOMAN 1: We're sold out. Oh, I-I'm sorry, sir, but we are completely sold out. Only pre-sold tickets. No, you don't understand. I need a ticket tonight. But I mean, I packed a basket. It's got her favourite. Ham hocks and-- Actually... you know what, sir? I have an extra ticket. Oh, that's your ticket? That's my ticket. It's your lucky night. Have a great time. All right, everyone, we are sold out. So who do I thank? Uh, Jason, from Indiana. Edgar, from New York. Yeah, my wife and I used to come here every Valentine's Day, but-- Well, except tonight. Well, you know, I had the extra ticket, so... On Valentine's Day. Well, there's gotta be a story there. Well, yeah, not a good one. Pretty much the worst Valentine's Day story of all time. You wanna bet? NIKKI: Thank you, officers. OFFICER: Thank you, Nikki. They're beautiful. Thank you. Siena Bouquet. Yeah, we're still open for about another hour. Mister? PANTING You owe me flowers. Where we taking them? CHATTERING IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE Okay, I'm gonna go now. Have a nice life. You came. What happened? He's married. GRUNTING Now that's open-heart surgery. Peppermint Pattie? Yep. WOMAN 1 ON PA: Don't step on the people, step on the grass. Step on the grass. EDGAR: This telephone girl, you like her, huh? Thought maybe she had the trifecta. Trifecta? What's that? Oh, you know, it's like the big three S's. Smart, sensitive, sexy. EDGAR: That's my trifecta. Her? You mean, like, literally, that--? Literally. Her. (JASON CHUCKLES) She was hot. Still is. Hey, hey. You guys came! You're here! I-I thought you were going out with your new boyfriend. I thought you had a date with your old boyfriend. BOTH: Same guy. No. Not surprised. He booked back-to-back at the same restaurant. Thought we wouldn't notice. What? Please lead me to the alcohol. Right here. Sit down. We are gonna take good care of you, my friend. What happened to the pinata? Oh, it got what it deserved. Oh, more sad and lonely people. Hey, guys. Hey, Elise. You know, I'm driving around, looking in all the places he's probably gonna be, but... Anyways, like I said, just call me back. But no big deal, I've got it under control, so I'll find him. Oh, I've found him! Found him. Oh, my God, he's in a van. Shit! What are you doing in a van? Edison! ALL: Burn, baby, burn! Justin Levy. Broke up with me on the morning of my birthday, still showed up to my party. ALL: Burn, baby, burn! Ivonne Quinteros. Dumped me for the piano player at the Beverly Wilshire. Two hours ago. Oh, Charlie. ALL: Burn, baby, burn! Fire marshal know about this burning pot? Oh, hey, Kelvin. Hey. Uh, back to the wine. What are you doing here? I had a little time before my 10:00 broadcast, somebody said there was a gathering of my people. How did you find us? Heather. Right, right. Well, um, welcome. Hi. I'm Julia. I'm Kelvin. Hi. So, um, you guys know each other? What misadventure of the heart brings you here tonight? Oh, actually, I'm Kara's date. Fascinating. Yeah. PEOPLE CHEERING, APPLAUDING 5 Edison! All right, buddy. Don't move! I'm really, really sorry. Okay, but you can't do that to me. Do you understand? I know, I know. But this was really important. She had to get her flowers. Is everything okay? Yeah, I'm his babysitter. I'm his florist. Look, I'm glad you're okay. Do you want me to come in there with you? No. I think this is one of those things I have to do myself. HORN HONKING DRIVER: I've been driving Holden for a long time. He's never given his car up for anybody. You must be pretty special. WOMAN ON CINEMA: Over? Why do you keep talking like it's over? I love you. ESTELLE: Edgar! Hey, get out of the way! I'll always love you. Edgar! WOMAN: Excuse me. Down in front! Edgar, where are you? I know you're out there. MAN 1: Who the hell is Edgar? He is my husband, and shut your mouth. Edgar, answer me. WOMAN: Answer her, Edgar. MAN 2: Lady, I can't see through you. Edgar, where are you? Estelle! Edgar, answer me. Estelle! That must be Edgar. I'm here! I'm coming. GRUNTS EDGAR: Sorry. I see. MAN 3: Hey, run lower! Listen to me. I know I let you down. And maybe you don't think I deserve forgiveness, but you're gonna give it to me anyway, Edgar, because when you love someone you love all of them. That's the job. EDGAR: I know that now. I'm so sorry. And now, please, you gotta love everything about them. Not just the good things, but the bad things too. The things that you find lovable, and the things that you don't find lovable. I understand. I'll never leave you. PEOPLE MURMURING ### CHEERING, APPLAUDING IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE # At first I was afraid I was petrified # # Kept thinking I could never live # # Without you by my side # # But then I spent So many nights # # Thinking how You did me wrong # # And I grew strong # # And I learned How to get along # ALL: # And so you're back # Julia, I found this little friend of Rani's, and I think he's looking for you. I'm not little. Edison, are you okay? Does somebody know that you're here? Yeah, my babysitter's outside. Okay. ALL: # Bother me Oh, now go # # Walk out the door # # Out that door # # Just turn around now # This is for you. For me? You're my valentine. Thank you. Oh, this is beautiful. Wha--? Are you sure that I am really the person that you wanna give this to? Yeah. I mean, I think so. Why? Well, when you pick a valentine you have to be sure that you choose the right person. Or else you could be overlooking someone who's even more special to you. Rani? But I don't love her. I love you. Is it our age difference that keeps you from going: Boom, boom, boom. Yeah, a little bit. Is it my height? Because I'm gonna grow. SIGHS Well, then, no, it's not your height. It's just it wouldn't be right, because I know Rani likes you. Really? Well, I like her a lot too. She's the only other fifth-grader who has Frank Zappa on her iPod. See? And she loves giraffes. See, giraffes, it's something you guys have in common. See, it's things like that that can turn a friend from someone that you like into someone that you love. Has that ever happened to you, Miss Fitzpatrick? CHUCKLES Hello? ALL: # I will survive # # Hey, hey # ALL CHEERING Back to the chocolate! I am the chocolate. Oh, you are. Thank you so much for coming. You are the most special valentine I have ever had. But i-it was great. And bye. Bye. Don't know how to do that. I'll teach you. There you go. Right on-- There it is. Close. Okay. I know, you got to go to work. CHEERING IN HINDI Here. Happy Valentine's Day. I don't usually go for girls my own age, but you're pretty cool. Wow, thanks. I don't really have anything else to say. (ANJU RAMAPRIYAM'S "SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED, I'M YOURS" PLAYING) # Here I am, signed, sealed, Delivered, I'm yours # CELL PHONE BEEPS I saw Edison. I tipped the valet to keep an eye on him. I have the delivery van set up over there. We could take a trip to Mulholland. Come check it out. Alex, can I-- Can I be honest with you? I love it when you're honest. I don't know if I'm ready for this. Lie to me. No, look, I'm serious. I'm gonna go now. Bye. I guess that I thought that if we did this we'd have this special bond, and now I'm realizing that something like this you can't just plan, you know? It has to happen. I mean, we have a chance to make it happen. But did you hear what you said, "make it happen"? We shouldn't have to make it happen. Look, sit. This is-- This is so sweet, and... Look, Alex, I-I love you. I just-- I really think we should wait. I'm sorry. It's okay. I love you too. And... we can still make out. # Today was a fairy-tale # # You were the prince # # I used to be A damsel in distress # # You took me by the hand # # And you picked me up at six # # Today was a fairy-tale # (ELEVATOR DINGS) Bye. # Today was a fairy-tale # # Today was a fairy-tale # # I wore a dress # # You wore A dark grey T-shirt # # You told me I was pretty When I looked like a mess # # Today was a fairy-tale # # Time slows down # # Whenever you're around # # But can you feel This magic in the air # # It must have been the way You kissed me # # Fell in love when I saw you Standing there # # It must have been the way # # Today was a fairy-tale # # It must have been the way # # Today was a fairy-tale # # Today was a fairy-tale # PHONE RINGS Paula Thomas. Whoever this is better have a good reason for calling me this late. You want me to do what? Boy, do you know who you're talking to? CHUCKLES Vladimir. Well, let me tell you something, Vladimir. You don't know what rough is until you've dealt with a true African queen. Let me get my stick. Kneel to Nzinga! Attention, I'm going home now. But I wanted to say goodnight to the world's greatest boss and tell him that we all love him. JOSS STONE'S "4 AND 20" PLAYING) Good night, Nikki. # Many moons Have come and gone # # And this little heart Is still holding on # # To what could be Maybe should be, baby # # Crazy is all It's making me # # I've been holding on # # For way too long # # It can't go on # # You've got # # 4 And 20 hours # # Just one day # # To prove to me # # That your love # # Has got the power # # Make me believe # # You'll take me Where I wanna be # # 4 and 20 hours # # And that's me # # Mmm, baby # # That's me, yes # You saw. Yeah. # That's me # I'd like to take time out to comment on the story that we broke earlier. Quarterback sensation Sean Jackson has popped the lock on the closet and come out. What does this mean for Sean Jackson? Will there be more house music played in the locker room? These questions aside, Mr. Jackson's name is likely to be remembered alongside Jackie Robinson, Muhammad Ali, and Billie Jean King, who endured their share of trash-talking as well. But let's allow future generations to decide where to place Sean Jackson in history. But let's be clear: It's not about defiance, it's about what a man will do for love. I stand behind you, Sean. Metaphorically. Oh, jeez. Thank you. Good night. SHERRY: And that's it for tonight's news. Happy Valentine's Day to all of you. Sherry Donaldson for KVLA, channel 13. Good. Hey, man. Excellent. Hey, way to go, bro. WOMAN: Cue music, cue logo. You sneaky little cupid. You got romantic after all, didn't you? I may get a few letters on that, but I got your back. Thank you. Happy Valentine's Day, Kelvin. Same to you. Well, those stairs never looked so good. Interesting perspective on Sean Jackson. SOBBING KNOCKING ON DOOR Just a second. Who is it? You forgot your camera. Can I come in? Sure. Jason, I feel bad about how you found out about my job. It was awkward, and I'm sorry. But that is the only thing that I apologize for. No. I should be the one apologizing. If you want to be a adult... phone entertainer, that's cool. I don't know, Jason. When you found out something about me you didn't like, you judged me and bailed. I don't think that's a promising foundation for a relationship. You know what? You're right. I just spent all night in a cemetery. And I actually learned something. Um, in a relationship you have to accept the other person for all of what they are, not just the parts that are easy to like. And you're stupid if you turn your back on something as important... as... love. CLEARS THROAT So I bought this for you. At the store. And this one goes... RINGTONE PLAYING FUNKY MUSIC Sugar can't answer the phone right now. She's got to make love to her boyfriend on Valentine's Day. And, for the record, this is what I like. Simple. Yeah. Let's just keep it really simple. I also like make-up sex. Whoa, what a coincidence. You too? Me too. Yay! CHUCKLES CRICKETS CHIRPING Hi. Sorry. Yeah. JULIA: What are you doing with the flowers? REED: They're all the ones that nobody wants. So you're giving 'em a second life? Yeah, most shops throw 'em away. I like the idea that tomorrow, somebody's gonna see 'em floating by and... Yeah. ...wonder where they come from. And the mystery of it all. I used to actually put them together and practice new designs with them and drop them off at a random doorstep with a note saying: "Somebody out there loves you." Then I got to thinking... what if they found out that someone was me? Would they want me to be the one that loves them? I would... want that. Am I about to kiss my best friend? I hope so. Not great. That was awkward. Awkward. Just not great. Yep. But this is my old-- Where I get down. This is your spot. You really helped me out. Susan is... KELVIN: Giving me a chance to be number one. KARA: Congratulations. Thank you, again. Thank you. I'm gonna have to teach you. That is just so... No-- I'll teach you this. It's not natural. Keep the fist-- It's a little-- Thank you. Okay. No, no, no. Open your-- Open. Know what? I got a better idea. Not happening. Okay. That was nice. Well, you didn't exactly, like, knock it out of the park. Well, we've never practiced, you have to admit. Maybe we should practice, then. Okay. Mommy! SOBBING You're so big. You're so big. Did you imagine it better or worse? I did. You imagined it better? I gave you more credit. Really? Yeah. Well, I hate that I'm not living up to my-- Well, I don't know. ROMEO ON RADIO: It's Romeo Midnight, one last time. Only 30 seconds left now before it's just another day. So count it down with me, lovers. And raise your glass to those three little words that we all want to hear: "Let's get naked." (TAYLOR SWIFT'S "TODAY WAS A FAIRY-TALE" PLAYING) I never had an inkling before, man. I didn't know what to do. I need to get to the airport. Stupid--! # Today was a fairy-tale # # You were the prince # # I used to be A damsel in distress # Vladimir! Let me get my whip. # Today was a fairy-tale # You know I always wanna answer yours first-- # Today was a fairy-tale # Just-- Let's do-- I never had an inkling before. I didn't know what to do with it. Shoot, we gotta get to the-- It's stupid. Stupid seat belt! # You told me I was pretty When I looked like a mess # # Today was a fairy-tale # Oh, there's a-- Hold it, there's a finger in there. You on Facebook? I can't hear out of this ear. Are you guys on Facebook? (LAUGHS) I never had an inkling before. I didn't know what to do with it. I gotta get to the airport. She's-- She's probably at the gate by now. How did you do that? # Today was a fairy-tale # # It must have been the way # # Today was a fairy-tale # Hey, I'm Taylor. And I'm Taylor. Too. Yeah. It's confusing. Yeah, we know that. Marker. DRIVER: If you look out the window, ma'am, we're passing the famous Rodeo Drive. Have you ever shopped here? I did once, actually. But big mistake. Big. Huge.