9 WOMAN: Alan? MAN: No. Christopher? Mmm, no. Nigel? No. Leonard, that's cute. That's so cute. We have a little fat kid that likes Internet porn. What about Hans? What about Adolf? That's great. It rings, rolls off the tongue. Charles. It's a classic. You can't find anything wrong with Charles. Are you kidding me? Do you know what the nickname for Charles is? What? Chucky. How am I supposed to fall asleep with a little red-haired toddler named Chucky sleeping in the next room? Just forget the book, OK. We don't need the book. Let's come up with our own name like Apple or Destiny's Child. I got an idea. Just look at me, right? What's the first name that pops into your head? Doofus. (Laughs) OK, you go. First name that pops into your head. Boobies. You wanna name our child Boobies? I'm saying that I'm open to it. (Laughs) Honey. ( TOASTER POPS ) Sweetie, the book says it's best to come up with a name before the birth of the baby. Would you relax with the book? You're obsessed. Honey, you know doing research makes me feel more comfortable. Speaking of which, I've decided not to do an epidural. What? Yep. Apparently, natural childbirth is better for the baby. But everybody says the pain is unbearable. Whatever's best for baby Big Nose. Big Nose? Sorry, that's just the name that popped into my head when I was looking at you. Oh, that's very funny. That's very funny. (Laughs) Honey, please. You're gonna make me pee. Whoa, whoa, whoa, look at the time. I gotta go. Oh. Promotion day. Good luck, sweetheart. Hey, I love you. I love you. ( CAR HORNS BLARE ) Tom. Tom. Tom Reilly. How the hell are you, man? What's going on? Good, Forrest. How are you? Last time I saw you, you were with Sofia Kowalski. Yeah. We got married, actually. Way to go, man. You know, I was never one of the people that said she was out of your league. In their face, right? Yeah. We're about to have a baby. Congratulations. That's fantastic. Yeah, good stuff. My wife and I just did that deal in December. Kids are expensive as hell, though. Yeah, I just made SVP at Armstrong, making 500 grand a year and we're barely making ends meet. We just a got a beach house in the Hamptons. Ohh. Piece of advice - you want the most ass ever? Please. Get your wife a beach house. Ohh. I'm serious. I can't keep her off my junk. I'll have to remember that. Hey, come out to the Hamptons sometime. We'll go sailing. I'll bring my yacht. Even better. OK. Alright. $500,000 a year, can you believe that? I went to school with this idiot. He was one of the stupidest people I ever met. Where did I go wrong? Dude, you're a cook. I know. Should've become a hedge fund guy. I'd be getting ass out at East Hampton. OK, people, lot of hungry stockbrokers up there. They're counting on you. What's wrong? Somebody left a bunch of salmon out overnight. Leon's docking everybody's pay. That's ridiculous. You gotta talk to him, Tom. No, no, no, no, no. Not me this time, guys. Sorry. Tommy, you're the only guy that can stand up to him. Look, my wife's about to have a baby. I need this promotion. But this guy's gonna dock our pay, man. (Claps hands loudly) Let's go, ladies! I don't pay you to stand around all day. Hey, Summers, look, I need you to work on Sunday, OK? Leon, my sister's getting married on Sunday, remember? You know, you gotta tell me that when I'm making out the schedule. I can't keep track of everyone's social life. I did tell you. I'll sub for him. Paco, silencio. Summers, I'm sorry, you gotta be here Sunday. That's it. I don't make the rules. Oh, wait - yes, I do. You got something to say, Reilly? 'Cause I'd love to hear it. Leon, you're an asshole. And you're fired. What? Ooh! Ay dios mio. You heard me, Banderas. Hit the road. Go on back to your 10-family shack and watch Telemundo all day. I don't give a shit, alright? OK, we both got a little carried away. I admit it, you admit it. Let's...let's just have a cool-down period, OK? You wanna use my apron? I can get most of that off. You kidding me? You don't hit a guy with a pork chop! You bastard! You racist bastard! Come here! No, no! Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! Come on. We're sorry. We're sorry. We're sorry. We're sorry. We're sorry. We're sorry. You're fired too. Uh-huh. Forrest, here's some pork on the house. How's the ahi? SOFIA: Oh, I'm so fat. Oh! (Grunts with exertion) Don't give me that crazy look, Kimmy. I see you. I've got too much to do before I've gotta get outta here. Hey, Sof, can I ask you something? Do you really think you can raise a kid on Tom's salary? He's getting promoted to head lunch chef. We're gonna be fine. I have a hard time seeing you as a housewife. I'm not going to be a housewife. I'm going to be a full-time mom. Of course, yeah. (Gasps) What? ( PHONE RINGS ) Don't worry about it, man. Hello. Now?! Tom's self-conscious because his peep has a little curve to it. (Both laugh) But it still works, right? What are you two giggling about? Your cute little curve. I'll get you another pillow. Babe. Please don't talk about my curve. My curve is private. Sweetie, she's our delivery nurse. Eventually, she's gonna see my vagina and most likely watch me poop. What now? Most woman poop at some point during the birth. I told you that. No, no. I'm pretty sure I would remember that. So, which way does it curve? Don't answer that. Left. It's actually right. It's just her left. Come here, sweetie. (Laughs) You look more nervous than I am. I know. It's OK. Really. It's the most natural thing in the world. Women have been doing this for thousands and thousands of... Yah! What the hell was that? I told you those contractions were gonna get stronger. But don't worry, you still have some time before they get real nasty. That wasn't nasty? That wasn't nasty? Hell, no. Tom, I think I changed my mind. I want the drugs. Now? I could probably score you some weed. Sofia, you turned down the epidural, and the anaesthesiologist is in surgery now. Baby, what about all the research? Screw the research. Get me the drugs. I'm sorry, I was told that the black bald guy at the counter who is always trying to "get some" is an anaesthesiologist. Is that you? That is me. But I'm going home in just a second. Oh, can I just talk to you for a... Sorry. That goes there. My wife turned down her epidural and now she totally regrets it. She's in a lot of pain. I'm very sorry. You're gonna have to speak to one of the anaesthesiologists on call. So I'm just gonna get outta here because in a few minutes I'm gonna cry... Excuse me, we can't find anybody else. Excuse me, do you not see two grown folks talking right here? Can you respect that? (Whispers) Damn cockheads get on my nerves sometimes. 25, 20s all over this mother, I'm gonna... Hey! You dead, son! (Screams) Don't touch him. That's mine! Honey, I found one. Can you please get me an epidural? Please! (Sighs) Much better. Thank you so much. Just glad I could help, Sofia. Alright, you can take him away for trying to steal a brother's Hummer. Please forgive me. He was just trying to help me. Don't make him miss his son being born. There must be something we can do. Babe, we still don't have a name for our son. Huh? What's your name? Hakim. What's your last name? Oliver. Hey, Oliver. He's beautiful. Uh, baby... ..a funny thing happened at work today. It's a setback, baby. We're gonna get through this. The important thing is that we have a beautiful, perfect, handsome baby boy, right? And we love each other. Right? Do you remember how we decided that I was gonna stay home with our baby and you were gonna support us? But it was the principle of the thing. You shoulda seen this guy. It's always the principle of the thing. First, it was the museum job, but you didn't want to turn into a pretentious social climber. Then you decide to become a magazine writer, which lasts until you tell your editor he's a whore. Not an actual whore, Sofia, a whore to the entertainment industry. You speak your mind and you can smell bullshit a mile away and that's what I love about you, but sooner or later people make compromises. They don't like what they do, they hate their boss, they're bored most of the time. That's what having a job is. Mm-hm. OK, well, what if this whole thing was a message from God? What do you think God's trying to tell us? Maybe he's trying to tell us it's time for us to move out of New York City. I could finally take your dad up on his job offer. ( 'MIRACLE DRUG' BY AC NEWMAN PLAYS ) SONG: # He was tied to the bed with a miracle drug in one hand # In the other, a great lost novel # That I understand was returned with a stamp # That said, "Thank you for your... # Whoo-hoo! Ohio! Look, Oliver. # While preparing his soul for a perilous slide into crime # He had decided that he would err on this side of divine # Being told this was wise... # Lot of white people in this neighbourhood. Kids! Welcome! Great, it's your parents. They're in our house already. Look at that baby. I'm gonna eat you. I'm gonna eat you. Oh, baby. Your stuff got here safe and sound, not that you had very much. Well, Dad, our apartment in New York was about the size of this porch. I love it. Go ahead. Whose furniture is this? Surprise. Got you a little house-warming gift. You know, having a job completely changes a man, Tom. It's not just about the money. It's about having a purpose, it's about feeling proud of yourself. Dad... You know, I've been employed before, Bob. No, I'm not talking about a cook, I'm talking about a real job. Dad, Tom was a chef, not a cook. A chef's a cook, right? Personally, I think being a cook is a real job. You want a tip on how to succeed, you take a look at this girl here. Did you know that your wife was Phi Beta Kappa? That she got 170 on the LSAT? I know that, Bob. If you remember, we've been dating since college. Me llamo el pollo. Cheep! Cheep! Ooh, don't eat me. I'm for grown-ups. You know who I'm putting in charge of training Tom? Chip Sanders. Oh, great. What's this Chip guy like? I haven't seen him for years. We were in cheerleading together. Which reminds me, when are you gonna dig out one of your cheerleading outfits and do a routine for me? I don't know. You gonna score a touchdown for me? Oh, I will score you a touchdown. Yeah, I will. Tom. Don't. It's just Oliver eats from there. It just seems kinda weird. I'm sorry. Maybe it's just a little too early. Is that OK? Of course it's OK. Of course. It's totally fine. OK. Wish me luck, family members. Give 'em hell. I'll miss you guys. (Mouths words) (Sings) # We're telling you to remain satisfied... # Tom! Hi. Welcome to Sunburst. Thank you. Oh, I shoulda told you - suit and tie is not required. Casual Friday every day, huh? No. It's not business-casual. We tried that. It's business-appropriate. It's about being yourself, but in an appropriate way. It's kinda special. Oh. You know, I've been here longer than anybody, 30 years. Last year, a visionary took over. His name - Don Wollebin. Guys, guys, I want you to meet Tom Reilly, our new assistant associate creative. BOTH: Hey, Tom. Hi, guys. This is Manny. This is Doug. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Oh-oh. Oh-oh. What's that? What are you trying to do? Is that going somewhere? You got something in your hand? Hey, Tom, catch. Ooh! Ooh! Whoops. Yes! Nice, Manny! Can't let my man down. You gotta catch it, Tom. The 'yes' ball gets thrown around the office all day long. It's a way of showing that we're all in sync. Oh. Once you start thinking about stuff in a new way, it'll turn your whole world upside down. Come on. Oh, my God. People just aren't eating as much fried fish any more, so Don says, "Let's shift the paradigm. "Forget fried fish. "Let's reinvent the tartare sauce as a hamburger spread, "call it Pickle Whip and sell it to teenagers." It's classic Wollebin. (Laughs) No question. Last but not least, I wanna introduce all of you to our new assistant associate creative, Tom Reilly. Thank you all. I'm sure that this experience will... Sit down. It's alright. OK. Hey, Tom, mmm. Oh-oh. ALL: Yes! Nice catch. Throw it. (All laugh) There we go. Whoop. Yes! Put 'er round, put 'er round. I don't wanna play. Or do I?! Oh, you got it! Go long! Come on, buddy. You gotta jump for those. Uh, unfortunately, I can't. And I haven't been able to, Tom, since I was five. It's great to meet you, though. My name's Chip Sanders. This is the guy you're gonna be working under. Hey, Chip, I'm really sorry about what just happened. I feel like an idiot. Hold it right there, Tom. We don't apologise at Sunburst. You know, the Japanese have a term called 'moushiwake'. It's a way of saying you're sorry and taking responsibility. At Sunburst, if you feel you've fallen short, you write a moushiwake... on one of these little yellow pads. Here. Here you go. Just go ahead, write it down. "Chip, I'm sorry I threw the imaginary ball..." It's supposed to be silent. Tom, don't you worry about it. If I got depressed every time somebody made a joke at my expense, I'd never get out of bed. I wasn't making a joke... Tom, you'll be working under the best here. Oh, sticky. I'm sorry. Chip just won Ohio Advertiser of the Year. Oh, congratulations. I don't do it for the awards. He created Senor Tomato for the Ketchup Caliente campaign. Ay caliente! (Laughs) Arriba. I love this guy. Yeah, I'm pretty proud of him. There's not a lot of Latino characters in advertising. Well, he seems like a really nice role model. Well, it's nice to do well but also to do good. Ay caliente! (Laughs) Look who's awake. It's Mr Stinky Winky. It's Mr Stinky Winky's pinkies. You made Mommy a nice little poo, a stinky poo. Yes, you did. A dinky-dinky, a dinky-dinky. (Reads) "He backed away. His hand holding the purple crayon shook." You don't understand a word I'm saying, do you? "Johnson told the senate subcommittee "he was satisfied with the President's budget "even though it represented a 6% decrease from last year." So... You married Sofia Kowalski. You are one lucky man. Thanks. You love her, Tom? Oh, yeah. Do you earn her love every single day? I believe I do, Chip. That's all I need to hear. So, listen, I want you to know that I don't care whether you got this job through family connections or had to earn it like the rest of us. What's important is that you're here, and that's awesome. OK, well, I'm just excited to jump in. Whatever you got for me, just let me know. Hang on there, killer. We're gonna walk before we run, OK? Did you see 'Karate Kid'? Yeah. Miyagi. Macchio. OK? And right now we're in the "wax on, wax off" period. (Imitates Miyagi) Advertising here. Advertising never here. '"It's actually a car deodoriser. Pop that round your neck, mate."' 1 (MAN) THINKS: 'Man, Steve is really smelly. 'Oh, sort that out. 'He smells like a teenager's watch band. 'I look like Tintin. He's cool ` Tintin. 'How do you tell a guy he smells? Do you have a smell intervention? 'Maybe just wait for his birthday and just go, 'Happy birthday, Steve!' CAR HONKS 'Ooh, sorry! 'And for a present you give him a deodorant and say, "Oh, here's a nice necklace. '"It's actually a car deodoriser. Pop that round your neck, mate."' TYRES SCREECH, CRASH! CAR RADIO CONTINUES PLAYING BREATHES LOUDLY MAN: She and my mom got into a heated argument and my mom took her to the ground and started hitting her while my dad stood over top laughing. MAN 2: Did you later find out that that was untrue? Hearsay. MAN 3: Your Honour, Hearsay. Did you ever hear... ( CRACK! ) ..your sister say she hated your mother? ( CRACK! ) Oh, constantly. Hi. Hi. What are you doing? Nothing. Are those snaps? Yeah. That's pretty cool. It's pretty stupid. My dad won't let me watch TV anymore. That's bullshit, dude. Yeah. This is all I can do. Wanna trade? Just kidding. Oh, that one was a dud. It happens. So, during the school year, I live with my mom in New Jersey and I spend the summer here with my dad. But he's at work all the time. And all my friends live back in Parsippany, so it's pretty gay. Hey, think fast. (Laughs) I'm just messing with you. I'm Carol, by the way. Tom. Hey, Tom, can I give you some advice? Yeah. Get outta here. Run. Run as fast as you can. Walk out that door and don't look back. I'm just kidding. (Laughs) But not really. (Laughs) This is gonna be awesome. Somebody's eating Chip's yoghurt. Carol, watch your legs. No brakes. Thank you. How we doing, gang? Huh? Uh-oh. Either one of you two guys seen... Is this your yoghurt? Uh-huh. Because Bob had said something about, like, free snacks in the kitchen. Muffins. Muffins are for everyone. Yoghurt's mine, everyone knows that. But, listen, my fault. Er, you're new. I'll just go buy you another one. No, no. I'm your mentor, I should have told you. I'll go hungry today. That'll be my punishment. No, no, no, please. At least finish the rest of this. No, you've already done about two-thirds of that. Why don't you finish it off, OK? Enjoy. It's peach, my favourite. I give you one week. SOFIA: Who's that? Who is that? Hi, Dad. Dad, I pooped today. What did you do? Can you please change my diaper, Dad? Dad loves Chip. He's like the son he never had. What about me? Totally different. You're his son-in-law. Chip's a great guy, babe. He just... I don't know, he seems a little angry or something. Well, maybe you'd be a little angry too if you'd lost the use of your legs. It's not that. I don't know. He just... He's nice. I just...I think he might have a dark side. Tom, this is your first week on the job. I really hope you're not picking a fight. I'm not saying anything bad about him. Everybody has a dark side. I have a dark side. I'm...I'm very dangerous. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Come here. ( TOILET FLUSHES ) Whassup? Who is that person? That's Wesley. His dad doesn't let him watch TV. I don't see the wisdom of selling directly to consumers. You remember we spoke about Smith and Hawkins, sir? 2000% sales growth. We've got a three-pronged strategy - web advertising, product partnerships and print ads. Actually, it's a four-pronged strategy. You forgot about direct mailing. Direct mailing is not part of this strategy. Actually it is. No, it's not. Uh, it is, Chip. If you took the time to read the report like I did. Pages 23 through 29, direct mailing. I specifically said, "No junk mail." Now, "no junk mail" means no direct mailing. Did my son say you could do this? This meeting is over. Goodbye. I'm really sorry. I guess I shouldn't have said that. That report was for internal distribution only. That's what "For internal distribution only" means. Mr Nordhaus's son asked us not to tell his father about the direct mailing. Because in five years, when direct mailing takes effect, Mr Nordhaus will be dead. MR NORDHAUS: I can still hear you. I guess we can kiss that account goodbye. Bob, I'm really sorry. I mean moushiwake. I'll write a moushiwake, Bob. Bob, if anybody should be writing a moushiwake, it's me. Tom is my responsibility. BOB: Chip, please. He's the one who screwed up. Wollebin gets back from Nepal tomorrow. I don't wanna tell him you blew a major account on your second day. I'm gonna say it was me. Oh, no, no. No, I can't let you take the rap for that. Let me do it. Absolutely not, Chipper. It's my family. I'll clean up the mess. Well, thank you, Bob. I appreciate that. Let's go back to work. Mmm. Hey, er, Tom, it's probably none of my business, but I doubt I'd ever let my father-in-law take a bullet for me like that. You know what, Chip, it is none of your business. Sofia. We are the Tigers! And we're not cocky. But we'll run you over. Like a Kawasaki. Kawasaki. Brrm-brrm! (Both laugh) Hey, baby. Sofia, hey, let me...let me see the baby. Let me see the baby. Oh, my gosh, look what you've made. Who's the father? Have you found him? (Laughs) Sofia. Ready? OK. Remember this? (Both chant) Let me tell you what we are. W-I-N-N-E-R. That's it. Second half, second half. Let me tell you what you are. L-O-S-E-R! That's great. And...Riverside Tigers outta sight. BOTH: Riverside Tigers dyna-mite. And that guy... Hang on, hang on. Explode. Explode. Explode. Explode? Come on. You remember how strong Chip's ahoy is. Come on, I got ya. Ready? Explode! (All cheer) Oh, yeah. I can't believe he remembered all the moves. Oh, yeah. He's a real champ. Bet he had a huge crush on you in high school, didn't he? (Laughs) Well, we did sort of have sex once. What? I thought you said he was paralysed from the waist down. Well, not completely. So you just, like, forgot to tell me about it? Sweetie, it was a long time ago. I didn't want you thinking about that when you met the guy. It's gross. I think you showed really bad judgement. Why? Because, no offence to Chip, but he's a dick. You're not really jealous, are you? Don't you know I'm saving my special cheer for you? You have a special cheer? Yeah. Then...can I see it? Show me upstairs. Hi. Hello, Wesley. Can I get you anything? Mmm, nah, I'm alright. Got my chorizo. You got it? Yeah, I got it. So you spend any time at your own house there, Wesley? Wesley's mom lives in New Jersey and his dad works late. Oh. Well, I'm glad we could help out. Welcome to the family, Wesley. Thanks, Tom. Hey, guys, you wanna see something really cool? Sure. (Laughs) (Both laugh) Wesley, you're gonna hurt yourself. That was awesome. Wait a second. This is it. What are you doing? The Pickle Whip campaign. This is how I'm gonna redeem myself. You gotta promise me you're never gonna do that again. Do that again. ( CAMERA BEEPS ) I don't feel so good. Oh, come on, buddy. I need this for work. I don't know. I'll give you 20 bucks. Tom! Done and done. 1 There's my little karate kid. You know, Tom, when I told you to meet me at the gym at 7:45, I didn't mean 47. I'm so sorry, Chip. Listen, I think I have a really cool idea for the Pickle Whip campaign. Last night... First, I need you to calm down. I'm pretty calm. Great. We're gonna start by just painting a fence, you know what I mean? 'Cause today's not for work ideas. Today is for bonding. We're gonna exercise together like men. You know how to exercise like a man, Tom? Oh, I'm guessing there won't be any Pilates. ( WHEELCHAIR SQUEAKS ) Of course there won't be any Pilates, Tom. I've got wheels for legs, OK? I can never do Pilates, no matter how super you and your little sissy friends think it is. We're gonna play basketball. You play basketball? That's right. Of course you do. Alright. Well, we'll play basketball. Could you hold that for me? Thank you. (Sighs) ( PLAYERS CALL OUT ) Chip, no. Tom, yes. I already told the guys you were gonna join us. You're gonna love it. I don't feel comfortable doing that, man. I'm sorry. Oh, come on. What do you mean, 'comfortable'? We do this all the time with able-bodied guys. You'll have fun. Well, if they're cool with it... Absolutely, they're cool with it. Are YOU cool with it? Are you down? Come on, get in there and saddle up. The rules are basically the same, except for the dribbling, OK? Player in possession of the ball may not push his chair more than twice in succession with one or both hands in either direction without first tapping the ball to the floor again, OK? Basically, two consecutive pushes constitutes a travelling violation. You got that, right? Oh, and don't move your legs at all during the game. The players consider that poor etiquette. Fellas! MAN: Hey, Chip! Hey, man. (Mutters) Oh, boy. CHIP: Feeling good. Hello, hello. What up, Chip? Hi, Chip. Alright, listen, I'm gonna play with Eddie. New guy, you get the Colonel. Colonel? You any good? No. Can you shoot? No. Fast in that chair, are you? Slow. Good at defence? I'm more of a beginner, actually. I like you. Thank you. You're honest. I don't like fakers. (Deliberately) I don't like fakers. Nobody likes a faker, sir. Just try your best, and by all means, keep your hands in off the guardrails or else somebody could come along and smack them. Argh! Game on, guys. But we're team-mates! Hey, bro, you can't leave me up here! I'll show you something. Here, that's a give-and-go. Watch. Which way? That way? No, this way! And that's a pick. Right back. Here comes the score. Oop! It's a little defence you need to learn how to play, OK? Focus! (Men call out) (Man cheers) This way, buddy! MAN: Let's go. Move it! Argh! MAN: Sorry. ( CRASH! ) MAN: There we go. There we go. Nice. I'm open! COLONEL: Hands in. Arggh! Why? CHIP: Oh. That's gonna happen. Get that thing in gear. Move it! OK. 10-10. Game point. Bring it. Ball's in! Alright, work it back around. Back up top, back up top! Here we go. Eddie! Agh! You missed it. Ed, to me! Ah. This is what you want, pal. Hey! COLONEL: Oh! (Roars) Go, kid! MAN: Go get it! Drive! Drive! MAN: Ooh-oh. Argh! Arrgh! (Men cheer) (Laughs) In your face! (Whistles) Guys, his leg just moved. MAN: What? What are you talking about? MAN 2: Check it out. (Men exclaim) You can walk? Uh, I think there must be a little bit of a misunderstanding. Chip, can you...? (Chokes) Ooh, ooh, looks like trouble. (Strains) Moushiwake on the whole mix-up thing, Tom. In my defence, I was able to pry you from the Colonel's death grip about five seconds after you blacked out. about five seconds after you blacked out. Thank you so much, Chip. Don't you mention it. You're my dawg. Alright, let's go take a shower. Did you bring any shampoo? Did you bring any shampoo? No, I... Oh, my God. ( CRASH! ) Agh! Careful. Do you want to put the towel around your waist? I'm all set. Now, Tom, didn't you want to tell me a little idea for the Pickle Whip campaign? No, I'm-I'm cool. Good. 'Cause you're still real new at the company, big guy, alright? You're a long ways from being ready to pitch any ideas. Let's not get ahead of ourselves, OK? Fine. And, Tom, it's OK to look at him. He likes it. Don't you? Ow! You, uh... You hit my face. If you wanna feel your insignificance in the vastness of the universe - I mean really FEEL it - try boarding in the Himalayas. You inspire me. Sorry about your face, brother. It's Don Wollebin. (Sighs) CHIP: Power Pickle. He's Senor Tomato, only less Mexican and twice the attitude. Power Pickle loves extreme skating, he loves extreme snowboarding, also enjoys extreme skydiving. Most of all, he enjoys extreme lunching. Ha! That's good. It's phallic. Oops. That feels like a commercial. Exactly. Nobody likes commercials. You know, that's true too. Well, I have something, actually. Who's this? Uh, this is Tom Reilly. He's our new assistant associate creative. Tom, it's...it's generally the creatives or the associate creatives who make these proposals. It is better to listen to a wise beggar than a rich fool. I wanna hear the beggar. OK, thank you. I saw this kid do this... kind of funny trick the other day and...I don't know, I think it would make a hilarious ad. You tell me what you guys think. (Onlookers titter) No way! (Onlookers laugh) MAN: That's funny. Congratulations, Tom, you did it. Oh! (Laughs) (All applaud) Tom, I want you going down to Lion's Pride tomorrow to show this thing to Jack Connor. Chip? Boss? You're Tom's wingman on this thing. Wingman? His? Ah. How about that? Do you mountain-bike? Uh, yeah, I... Whenever I...whenever I get the chance, I... There are some amazing trails around here, especially at dawn. It's awe-inspiring. We should go sometime, hmm? Yeah. Alright! Alright! Yes! Yeah, great. Gotta get a bike! Hey, I hope there's no hard feelings 'cause I thought your whole, like, extreme Pickle thing was really cool. When he was, like, skydiving... Tom. Let me tell you something. If you think I care about Power Pickle, you're sorely mistaken, OK? I can think up ideas like that in my sleep. And some day, when I'm kicking ass in Barcelona, I'm gonna look back on this whole campaign as some sad, pathetic little joke. He said that? I've no idea what he was talking about. There's this ad agency in Barcelona called Idea. They're, like, cutting-edge Euro geniuses. Chip applied for a job there. Nobody's supposed to know about it, but I saw him mailing off a bunch of Senor Tomato figurines. That guy is out of his mind. Tell me about it. He is great in the sack, though. How do you know? Nancy slept with him last Christmas. She said it was the best sex she ever had. Apparently, he can, like, balance on his arms and then the angle makes it intense because you're sitting really... Yeah, I really don't wanna hear about it, OK? What the hell? What? Someone stole the picture of my wife. ( DOORBELL RINGS ) ( DOOR OPENS ) Sofia Kowalski. Abby March! Wow. Hey! It is so good to see you. And who is this little guy? This is Oliver. Petey. Petey. Do you want to give Oliver a hug? Hmm? Yeah? Oh, that's a big yes. Yes. Oh, yes. Loves. Oh. Oh, loves. (Babies whimper) Loves for your new friend. Oh. The apanasana aids in digestion and helps with gas and constipation. Shall we ask permission? (Parents mutter) Did you need some? Um... It's Bag Balm. And dairy farmers use it as a moisturiser for cow udders and it is the best thing in the world for sore nipples. It's wonderful. Right. BOB: Tom, look at this lamp. Wollebin just gave this to me to thank me for hiring you. Wow. You know, it hasn't been exactly smooth for me since he took over. Hmm. Anyway, I just want to tell you, I think you're doing a great job, son. Well, thank you... ..Dad. Have you seen my whales? What? Have I showed you my whales? No. Sometimes, I just sit in here and stare at them. It's so peaceful. I even give them names. ( WHALES SING ) That one... Ow! Fuck! Are you OK? That lamp is hotter than shit! 1 Shh. (Oliver cries) Come on, buddy. (Continues wailing) Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. (Wearily) Hi. Hello, wife. (Oliver cries) Hello, child. Daddy's home. He's been like this all day. Oh, no! What's the matter, baby bear? (Oliver cries) (Coos) (Stops crying) (Kisses) Hello. You've gotta be kidding me. What's with the bike? Ah, right? Wollebin asked me to go mountain-biking with him. He asked me right after he put me in charge of the Pickle Whip campaign. $1,200? Oh, babe, a bike like that should cost $1,500. Try and bend those rims. Try. Kick them. You can't bend those rims. They're called 'high performance rims'. Honey, you've never been mountain-biking in your life. If you want me to return the bike, I'll return the bike. I want you to return the bike. You know what? No. I'm not gonna return the bike because I think physical fitness is important and I think it's good for my career. My day was terrible. This girl I hated in high school came over and made me go to her baby group and everyone called me a bad mommy. You're an amazing mommy. Daddy gets to go mountain-biking with Wollebin. Chip can't go mountain-biking. Tom! It was a joke. I don't think making fun of people's handicap is funny. It was a joke. Asleep in under five minutes. Daddy's got the magic touch. So, what does Wesley get out of this whole Pickle Whip thing? I already got him to sign a release. He gets $1,000 if the ad airs. What you doin'? It's Bag Balm, Tom. They use it for cows' udders. Rub on udders. Wow. I don't know, sweetie, it just feels like the whole thing's a little exploitative of Wesley. Oh, I get it. I think I see what's happening. Somebody's a little jealous. What?! Oh, come in, you're used to being the star and now I'm in the limelight a little bit. It's probably driving you crazy. Admit it. Admit it. Score a touchdown. Not gonna happen, Tom. Use the Bag Balm. CHIP: Jack, good to see you again. How are you? Please meet Tom Reilly. He's been helping me on the campaign. (Irish accent) Reilly, is it? Do you have Irish blood in you, by any chance? (Laughs and mimics accent) Me father's father was an Irishman so I have a wee bit of the leprechaun in me. Are you making fun of me? No, I'm...I'm sorry. I-I... I thought that was a fake accent. Why? I don't know. I-I... I don't know. That was unfortunate. Jack, you're gonna love the new campaign. Let's jump right in. (Onlookers laugh) Tell me, is that something? Is that incredible, or what? When I saw that kid, I said, "That's it." We've all just said hello to the new face of Pickle Whip. Well done, Chip. Thanks so much, Jack. So sorry, but you're gonna all have to excuse me. Jack... (Whispers inaudibly) Oh, certainly, of course. Great. And, Tom, do us a favour, please, and present the market penetration strategy. Market penetration strategy. Something that's very important to today's youth market. Penetration. Um, let's stick with long-range because that way we know we're gonna maximise 'P'...'profit'. Isn't 'P' 'price'? You're thinking of uppercase. This is a lowercase 'p'. Write that down. Here we go. Next slide. (People murmur) That's just 'J' and 'Q'. There they are. Next slide. Have you talked to Chris about the penetration strategy? Chris? Chris Caldwell. WOMAN: Your director of market research. Oh, CHRIS Chris. CHRIS Chris, yes. I talked to him this morning. He loves it. Chris Caldwell...is a woman. Yes... Why did you say 'he'? (Laughs) It's a little joke we have. Everybody called Chris a he because... ..she looks like a man. She had a little moustache. But it's gone. She...she waxed it. She looks great. If you guys see her, you gotta tell her how good she looks, 'cause we're all... we're all proud of her. Tom. Sorry I had to duck out. How'd the rest of the meeting go? How do you think it went, Chip? You left me high and dry in there. I'm sorry. I had a medical emergency. Yeah, right. What kind of emergency? Well, I don't really enjoy talking about it in front of other people, but if you must know, I sometimes have a bladder control problem, OK? It's very embarrassing, but it is one of the things that you have to deal with when you're paralysed from the waist down. ( AIR HISSES ) ( VIDEO CAMERA BEEPS ) BOB: A toast! You know, Tom, to be honest, for a long time, Amelia and I have been wondering - how long is it gonna take you to get your act together? Bob! Amelia, please! It's taken you a while, but you've finally realised who you are. You're an ad man. Tom Reilly. Ad man. You look up to me now, buddy, but when you get a little bit older, you're gonna realise that your dad has absolutely no idea what he's doing. (Baby gurgles) I don't wanna go back out there. I don't wanna go back out there, so how about you and me, we're just gonna sit in here until you crap your pants again, OK? Are you OK? Yeah. Why? Chip said you blew up at him today. What, he called you? He called me because he was worried about you. He said you were acting kind of hostile. I'M acting hostile? (Whispers) I'm gonna kill that sonofabitch. Jack Connor tore me a new asshole this morning. What the hell is the matter with you? Bob, moushiwake, OK? But Chip hung me out to dry. Jack said that you made fun of his mother for having a moustache. That's not true. I said Chris Caldwell had a moustache. Chris Caldwell doesn't have a moustache. But I thought Chris Caldwell was a man because 'Chris' is often a man's name. What...? Three creatives came to me this morning and said that you were humiliating Chip about his disability. Chip is trying to sabotage me. Chip is trying to mentor you. He came to me, said, "How can I help him?" Oh, don't you see? That's part of his plan. He's like a mind game genius, that guy. You know, you may not care that I put my job on the line to get you hired, but you moved your family a thousand miles for this. You've got to pull yourself togeth... We're just washing our hands. ( WATER RUNS ) SOFIA: He's napping. I'm desperate for grown-up talk. Did De Palma come back to you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got a court date. No. No, the other file. No... Honey, I'm so sorry. It's crazy here. Can I call you later? Sure. Tom, wait up. Sorry about that back there. Rough times, huh? Yeah. Hey, looks like someone could use a good listener, buddy, huh? (Sighs) I just don't think I fit into this place, Manny. Oh, I've been there, man. You? You are Sunburst, what are you talking about? Oh, you think so, huh? The second I bought this little guy, made me feel a whole lot more hip. OK. Wanna try it on? No, no. Why don't you keep it. 'Cause that's yours. It's not really a hipness thing, I just... ..I'm not getting along with Chip at all and that's really starting to mess up my relationship with my wife. Well, I think today's your lucky day. I'm studying to be a marriage counsellor. Really? Yeah. Thought it'd be a great way to meet women... ..and men. Oh, wow. Guess that increases your odds, huh? Yeah, you know, I like having sex with women, but men are better cuddlers, you know what I mean? Sure. Sure, I do. Well, at this point, Manny, I would try anything. I love my wife so much, but I don't even know how to talk to her anymore. How am I supposed to tell her I'm miserable when she's so happy? (All laugh) Sofia, remember that the laughter starts deep within and then just comes ro-ho-ho-lling out. Ha, ha, ha! Yeah, I really only laugh when... ..something funny happens. I've noticed that Oliver isn't very happy. He never smiles. He smiles all the time. He just isn't smiling right now. Now, you're not gonna like this, Sofia, but you are a very unhappy person and I don't think it's good for Oliver. You're not gonna like this either, Abby, but you're an idiot. And your son Petey is a...dipshit. It's OK. (Oliver cries) I know, sweetie. Hey, it's Professor Polar Bear. It's Professor Polar Bear. It's Professor Polar Bear. ( HORN HONKS ) ( HORN BLARES ) (Oliver wails) Let's start by taking a nice deep breath. Just relax. ( PHONE RINGS ) (Shouts) Mom! Mom, answer the phone! I'm so sorry. MOM! (Shouts) Answer the phone and don't come down here. I'm having a session. ( PHONE CONTINUES RINGING ) Many of the exercises I'm studying are a little New Agey, so I hope you guys will just trust me and roll with it. Sure. Sure, Manny. Great. Let's start by holding each others genitals. OK, I'm leaving. What?! No, not holding, poking. No, you're not poking anything. Babe, he's kidding. Tell me you're kidding. I'm kidding. Just wanted to lighten the mood, that's all. Lightening the mood. Come on. That's all that is. OK, you know what, don't sit down. I've got an exercise. This is called 'I'm upset that...' It's a great way to get to the root of hurt feelings. You'll each complete this sentence, "I'm upset that..." and then tap each other with the bat. OK? Sofia, you go first. Um... ..I'm upset that you bought that mountain bike. Now tap him. Oh. Good. Tom? Uh, I'm upset that... ..we haven't had sex in a long time. I'm upset that you didn't get the chance to have an eight-pound baby shoot out of your vagina, maybe then you'd understand. Good, that's great. I'm upset that you banged Chip. You banged Chip? No. YES! I'm upset that you just told him I banged Chip. OW! You're not supposed to hit people in the face. I'm upset that you talked me into coming here. Don't hit me anymore, please. Please, don't hit me anymore. (Both laugh) No, that was helpful. Look what I grabbed on the way out. I love you so much. I love you too. But are you happy? You can tell me. I... ( MOBILE PHONE RINGS) That might be the babysitter. Hello? So I'm looking through the 1989 'Tiger's Paw' and I see a picture of a very pretty girl in a 'Yazz' T-shirt. You know, I can't really talk right now. Can I call you back later? "Chipwich, thanks for making the last four years so awesome. "Too cool to be forgotten." Boy, those words have gotten me through some pretty tough times. (Hits button repeatedly) I got you. I got you now, you freak. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Tom. Tom is a man with vision and I want him in that meeting. Take this down to Video Tech first thing in the morning. I want them to put the tag on it and then make dubs. OK, right. (Bob imitates whale song) Careful. ( HORN BEEPS ) Hey, hey, buddy. Just the man I wanted to see. We're gonna do that cool hamburger trick again, buddy. I can't. What are you talking about? Sure you can. I don't eat meat anymore. What? I saw this show yesterday. About how they made meat. It's all about killing animals. You became a vegetarian yesterday? Yeah, so what? Alright, cool, whatever. We'll get you a vegieburger. Nah. Wesley, you get to be famous. Like Harry Potter or Urkel. Tom, it's not gonna happen. End of discussion. Don't be an idiot, Wesley. Give me that. It's mine! Now, you'll get it back when you eat a hamburger. Hey! Come here! (Shouts) Help! Wesley! Wesley! ( DOOR LOCKS ) Wesley! I'm not done talking to you. Can I help you? Hey. I just moved in next door. Nice to meet you. Just talking to Wesley. He's great. SOFIA: Tom? Yeah? Were you just yelling at Wesley? I need you to talk to that kid. His priorities are way out of line. What are you talking about? I accidentally taped over the video of Wesley. We gotta get him to eat another burger. Honey, if he doesn't want to do it, just find somebody else. Sure, honey, I'll just get one of the other kids on the block who can swallow a hamburger in one bite. I'm sure there's not a gag reflex on the block. OK, you've gotta calm down. You're acting crazy. I'm acting crazy? That little twerp... ( KNOCK AT DOOR ) Could you get that? Hi. I believe your husband has my son's skateboard? MAN: Let's open up some windows over there. Tom, you are not gonna believe this. Bob left the Wesley tape on his desk and we lost it. Uh-uh, no shoes on the prayer mat. We found the culprit. Somebody left the bulb touching a stack of paper. DON: Dammit! Oh, Jesus Christ, Bob. It was just an accident. No, no. It's been a series of mistakes, Tom. Earlier this week, he cost us a major account. Could have been the next Smith and Hawken. Don, I can fix this. I can fix it. All I gotta do is get Wesley on tape again. Trust me. I can fix it. Go for help, now! GO! I'm not gonna hurt you, Wesley. I just wanna talk to you. Look what I got - $1,000 from my very own bank account. Huh? For you. What do you say? My lawyer said I can't talk to you, dude. Your lawyer? Hey! Get away from the kids! Get away from the kids! I'm just talking... Get away from the kids! (Screams in agony) Come on! (Tom shouts) Are you crazy?! Argh! F... ( FOOTSTEPS APPROACH ) I will. Wait, Mom, Tom just got home. Let me call you right back. My dad got fired. What? (Sighs) I told them to wait, I was gonna fix everything. He got blamed for some kind of fire? Oh, my God, it's not about that. You see, the Wesley video got destroyed in the fire, so... The Wesley video? What? Well, you told me you taped over the Wesley video. I know. And what I'm trying to explain to you is that it wasn't one thing. But Wollebin knows that the tape thing wasn't my Dad's fault, right? It's a very complicated situation. Did you tell him or not? Yes or no? It wouldn't have made a difference! I don't believe you. You know what, Sofia, if you'd helped me get Wesley to redo the video instead of taking his side, none of this would've happened. Are you insane? Your dad was gonna get fired anyway. What, do you want me to volunteer to get fired too? I tried to fix it, it didn't work, I'm sorry. I'm doing all of this for you, Sofia. Everything! You have it so easy. You get to hang out with Oliver all day. You think I like what I'm doing? You think I like that stupid job? I hate it! I am completely miserable. Sofia... I'm going to my parents. Call me when you calm down. ( CAR ENGINE REVS ) Sweet ride, Tom. I thought this thing was a poon-magnet. What the hell are you doing here, Chip? I was just in the neighbourhood. Did I see Sofia leaving with a suitcase? Don't worry about it. Is it work, Tom? I have heard that you've blown your way through quite a few jobs and the thing about women is they can smell failure a mile away. It's not work, OK? Is it sexual? Is there a midget living in the basement? If there is, they're selling the pump on the Internet. But I do not know if it works. I don't need a pump. That thought of Sofia alone and vulnerable, I don't like it... I swear to God, Chip, if you go anywhere near my wife, I will... What are you gonna do? You gonna catch us on your hidden camera? How do you know about that? Let's drag. ( ENGINE ROARS ) (Shouts) How do you know about that?! Sonofabitch. Chip. ( CAR ALARM BEEPS ) Chip! I could not make it up the steps. Hope I'm not imposing. 1 Ugh. (Scoffs) Well, it's not easy swimming with just your arms - especially when the water's just 38 degrees. Oh, my. I can't believe you're still alive. Always been a risk-taker, Sofia. I do like to test the limits. Chip, you fill this house with warmth. And we could really use that right now. It isn't just that Bob got fired, but Tom and Sofia have been having... Mom. Mom. Well, you have. Anyway, I rented a movie, I've got it in my saddle bag. I was gonna go home and watch it alone. Love to share it if you guys are up to it. Do you want to see a movie? Sure, Chip. Make yourself comfortable. I have some things to do in the bathroom. OK. WOMAN ON TV: I want you. What do I do? MAN ON TV: Everything. WOMAN ON TV: I feel... MAN ON TV: Yes. (Woman moans) That's me. ( DOORBELL RINGS ) Sofia, I need to talk to you. Listen, you have every right to be upset with me. Sweetie, I'm not angry, I just think... Let me finish, OK? I finally figured it out. I didn't put the wrong tape in the camera. Chip switched it. What? He's been trying to sabotage me since day one and now I have proof. You can see his face in the reflection on my computer monitor... Hi, Tom. What's he doing here? What are you doing with my son? Get the baby away from him. Tom, cool it! Why don't you take the baby? Come here to get with my wife, Hot Wheels? BOTH: Tom! Hot Wheels? Chip came over 'cause he heard Dad got fired. Oh, and how did that happen? Huh? The same way my chair got shorter? The same way gay porn got put on my computer? You had everybody fooled, didn't you? You cripple. BOTH: Tom! That's enough. "Look at me. I'm in a wheelchair. "Everybody feel sorry for me and have sex with me "'cause I can't use my legs." Or, can he? He can walk. I have proof. What's that? What...? Get up, you faker. You can walk! Tom! Let's show 'em how you walk. Come on! SOFIA: Tom, stop it! What are you doing? BOB: Tom, what are you doing? He plays tennis. You're gonna hurt him! Dad, you've gotta stop him! Come on! Stop! Have you lost your mind? Tom! The man can't walk. What are you doing? Oh, yeah?! Let's find out! Oh, no. NO! (Amelia screams) AMELIA: He's dead! I'm OK. This isn't Chip, it's Danny. Danny? He's Chip's twin brother. He died in an accident about five years ago. He was my hero. Tom, get down here! Out of the house! Out of the house. Out! Tom! I found... I found... I saw his... Tom! Out! I saw his reflection in my computer monitor... OUT! OUT! For God's sakes, Tom, what the hell is the matter with you? You just threw a disabled man down a flight of stairs. Moushiwake, Bob. Obviously, I was wrong about the cripple thing. But he's the one responsible for you getting fired. What the hell is wrong with you? You could have just killed him. Sofia... I think you should go. (Grunts) Stupid... Are you sure you're OK? I'm fine. Um... What I'm really worried about is you. Um, I can tell that you're not happy. And I think that it might be because you're on the wrong track. I don't...I don't know. Maybe it's because you're still looking for something that you haven't found yet. You know, I mean, I know that I am. You know, everybody thinks that I've got everything, you know, the Ohio Advertiser of the Year, and probably be hired to go to Barcelona soon, but I don't have anybody I can share that with. You know, and the one person that really does it for me is a girl that I met back in high school. (Sings) # We are the Tigers # And we're not cocky # We'll run you down like a Kawasaki... # You know what I mean? I've still got your panties from that time that... OK, Chip... It's time to go. OK. It's tough to hear. I get it. Stay the hell away from my wife, Chip. I got a news flash for you, Sparky. Your wife's gone. She's way out of your league and she's finally realised it, OK? It's over. Easy! Ugh! Ugh! Huh? Think I can't defend myself just 'cause I'm in a wheelchair? No, I know hapkido! That's for stealing my yoghurt, douche. You know what the worst part is for me, Chip? You're a horrible person. I mean, there is just nobody worse. And yet because of what you had to deal with being in that chair, I actually still feel guilty for hating you. You know what I hate most about you, Tom? It's not your gay voice. You probably thought I was gonna say your gay voice. Actually, no, but thank you. It's that you're weak. I've defeated you in every possible way. I neutered you at work, I've turned your in-laws against you, and I'd say I'm at most three days away from mounting your slutty wife again and you've got the gall to pity me? Yeah. I guess I do. Yeah? Don't. It's a miracle. He can stand. I knew it! Get off of me, you freak! (Both grunt and groan) You banged my wife with that giant uncircumcised anteater! Can't breathe, Tom. Why would you spend your entire life pretending to be paralysed?! What's wrong with you? You ever try to park at the mall during Christmas? Or do you have any idea how much easier it is to get sympathy sex when you can't walk? You're a sociopath. Oh, don't get the wrong idea. I actually needed that chair for a while. When I was 14, I got into a surprisingly violent hacky sack accident and then a few weeks later came out here for high school and decided I'd milk it a little bit. Do you think I'm not gonna tell everyone that's ever met you, you freak? You just threw an innocent handicapped guy down the stairs. No-one's gonna believe you. And, you know, you were just at a very distinct advantage just then when you threw me to the ground. All of my martial arts training has been from a seated position. Give it up, chief. You're never gonna win. See you at school tomorrow! ( PHONE RINGS ) Hello? MAN: Is this Senor Chip Sanders? What? My name is Juan Castidado los Cojones del Mono. I am the executive vice-presidente of Idea, the ad agency in Barcelona. You sent to us your resume. Yes! Hello! Hola! Como esta? Very good. Thank you very much. Will you indulge me, please, sir, for one moment, and allow me to say to you that your work is absolutely genius? Senor Tomato is, in a word, spectacular. Yes. Yes, thank you. Gracias. You are very welcome. I come to the point. You, sir, are being chosen for the position of Director Creativo. Can you fly to Barcelona immediatamente, please? Sure! Si! Gracias. Super. Definitamente. ( MACHINE BEEPS ) Tom, Wollebin here. We set up a meeting with that Wesley kid, but you probably know all about it, seeing as your wife is his lawyer. Screw it. I'll send Chip. Shit! ( MOWER WHIRRS ) Bob! Have you seen Sofia? Oh, no. I went to buy more scotch. When I...when I got back, she was gone. You alright? Bob, there's something I have to tell you. The Wesley tape wasn't destroyed in the fire. I accidentally taped over it. Sofia told me last night. I told her the same thing I'll say to you. The only person responsible for me losing my job is me. I also started the fire. It was an accident. I... I wasn't aware. Are you OK? I bent over backwards to sell Wollebin's vision, and, you know, I knew in the back of my mind it was bullshit. It is bullshit, Bob. It is. Screw him. Screw him! Screw him! You're alright, kid. You're alright. Sofia's getting ice-cream with Chip at Eddie's Sweets. Thank you, Bob. Oh, Jesus, Tom. You gotta take a shower. I'm sorry. Go get her, son! KID: Hey, five bucks I can knock that tool off his bike. These rims aren't supposed to bend. ( CAR HORN BEEPS ) Here, Wesley. You just sign there at the bottom of the paper. You're about to be a very rich young man, OK? Try not to get the fudge on the contract. Don't do it, Wesley. Oh, good. Tom's here. Tom, what happened to you? Will everyone just please listen to me for one second? OK, Sofia, Wesley... ..Wesley's dad. Sofia, I know on paper I'm not the most ideal husband. I'm selfish, I can't hold down a job and I think I may have turned your father into a problem drinker. Still, one thing you said you loved about me is that I could smell bullshit a mile away Well, this guy, Sofia, is filled with bullshit. He's a sociopath, and more importantly, baby, he can stand. I have seen it. He can't fight while he's standing, but he can stand. Fortunate for me that there's no stairs here for you to try to prove your point again. Baby, I know it's hard. But I need you to believe this. I need you to believe in me. Tom, why would I pretend to be handicapped my entire life? ( PHONE RINGS ) Just so I can park at the mall at Christmas? Hello? Uno momento, por favor, senor. This is my dream job in Spain, OK? They're calling to make the final travel arrangements. It's the actual reason that I came. I just...I don't really care much about Wesley. Hey, uncool. Less words. I have one question. Sofia...CC... ..do I have them buy me one plane ticket to Spain or...dos? You know what, Chip? I think you're weird and creepy. And if you think I'd ever choose you over the love of my life, you're the most delusional man on the face of the earth. you're the most delusional man on the face of the earth. That'd be uno ticketo, por favor. Thank you. Sweetie, you couldn't lose me if you tried. And you've been trying pretty hard lately. Momento. So I guess this is adios? Oh, my God! Ta-da! Holy shit! Sofia, you should know - the night that we made love I faked my orgasm. Tom, you're never gonna beat me and I'm gonna send you a pretty little postcard from Barcelona. Senor, if it's all the same with you, I'd like to travel tonight. Andale! Of course, Senor Chip. I will have Barcelona's longest limousine awaiting your arrival. And after your beauty rest, I make big party for you with beautiful chicks. Fantastico. Everything all settled? Yep. Girls, best of luck. Good luck to you, Chip! Good luck to me? I don't need luck, Tom. You need the luck. You're the sorry idiot that's gonna be stuck living in Ohio the rest of your life working in the most boring ad agency in the world. I'm going to Spain. Spain, Tom! Spain! I'm taking this little walk'n'roll show on tour! Yeah! Whoo-hoo! They're not gonna see what hit 'em. You know what I mean? The folks at Lion's Pride were all set to spend tons of money to try and get you to eat their new hamburger spread - Pickle Whip. They even went so far as to hire pro skater Tony Hawk to put on a pickle costume and do rad skateboarding tricks. The only problem was, once Tony was in his pickle costume, he couldn't see very well. Ugh! Ugh! To be honest, it's just tartare sauce on a hamburger. But I gotta tell you, it tastes really good. And cut! Great job, Wesley! What did you think, Bob? I love it. It's honest, no bullshit, and the kid's a natural. Take five, buddy. Come on, babe. I'll be in my trailer. Somebody should get that girl some pants. Listen, Bob, I cannot thank you enough for flying out here to help me start my own company. You're an ad man, Tom. And you're fabulous. I brought you a present from Ohio. Oh, you didn't have to do that. The yes ball. I'm kidding! Why would I give you my yes ball? Hola, senor. Donde esta 'rampo'. Senor? Senor? Hola. Chip Sanders, new creative director. I need to get inside the building. I've broken both my legs. Is that tough to see? Guess what? Old Chiparoo's gonna take care of things himself. This is what a man who needs help looks like. Don't worry. You got...? Are you late for an appointment or something? Is that what it is? You must be late. How about this door? Can I just get this one? There's no mistake at all. Sir, I work on the fourth floor. It's Chip Sanders. Please don't break my arms too. Please don't break my arms too. Just lift me up and place me back in my chair. There's my two favourite boys. Hey, fatso. Hi. Hi. So, baby, I've gotta be at a deposition downtown by 9:30. I've got breakfast in the oven. Be ready in 15 minutes. I really can't be late. Chocolate croissant. What's 15 minutes? I know how we can spend six of those minutes. Six minutes? Really think you can last that long? I could last seven and a half. What do you think of that? ( 'MORNINGS ELEVEN' BY THE MAGIC NUMBERS ) SONG: # Baby, if you telephone # Maybe I can meet you in the morning # Call me if you're on your own # And maybe I can meet you in the morning... # (Squeals) # Ahh, bah-bah, bah-bah, bah-bah, bah-bah # Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh # Mornings eleven The feelings are severed # I can't feel anything at all # But I would... # Die for you # Oh, I would... # Die for you # Well, what's my name? # Ooh, what's my name? # I don't know # Baby, if you telephone # Maybe I can meet you in the morning # Call me if you're on your own # And maybe I can meet you in the morning # Ahh, bah-bah, bah-bah, bah-bah, bah-bah # Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh # I had it all # But I never thought I did # No, no, no, no, I never thought I did # Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh # I had it all # But I never thought I did # No, no, no, no, I never thought I did # Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh # Bah, bah-bah, bah-bah # Bah, bah. # So make sure that you understand when you're chopping things up in the way that those people to the north of Italy... He's got a point. ( BABY CRIES ) That's the kid. Let's go. They're out of their minds. Hey, Tom. You gotta come see this guy. What? Ah, you missed it. Let's go, man. MAN: OK, cut. ( CREW LAUGH ) What did you do? How's my pressure? How's my pressure? (SPLUTTERS) MAN: Keep rolling. I'll have you step into that again. ( GURGLING ) He's going to the bathroom. Will it come through? Try to sneeze a couple more times in this take. Did you...was that good for sound? I mean... (Laughs) Sir, we've got web advertising, product, um...product partnerships, and print ads. Actually, it's a four-pronged strategy. No, no. Uh...this is, uh... no, no. Uh...actually, it is, uh...Chip. Is there direct mailing in it? Yeah. Sorry. This was a great take, everybody. Let's save this one. Let's just mark this one. Circle it and let's go again. This neighbourhood is chock full of honkies. Do you have a problem with that? And go ahead and get... Do you want a code word? Get my... I want a safe word. Safe word is "raisins". Did you see 'Karate Kid'? Yeah. Alright, good. Miyagi, Miyacho. That's not right. No hablo espanol? You know what I'm saying. You heard me, muchacho. Pack your bags. Adios! What? You heard me, Iglesias. Take your anger out on a pinata. You're gone. It's great. Just think of how many more soccer games you can go to. (Laughs) Dude, you're killin' me. This is nice. Isn't it good? It's a good chair. It's actually more comfortable than I had imagined. Less words. What we're gonna be doing... Shh. Here we go. Stop it. That's for st... It smells like sh--. Did you crap your pants? God! Here we go. (Laughs) You good? (Laughs) Just go ahead and f--- the master. Oh, shit! ( CREW LAUGHS) MAN: That's a cut! That's great. It's gonna be an awesome gag reel, bro. You're re-shooting me now. ( 'THE START OF SOMETHING' BY VOXTROT ) SONG: # Do you feel better, older? # This just makes me ill Your name is dripping from my pen # So you're not allowed to curse # I'm gonna drop the gun now # Say, "I'm still under you" # Marianne, let the ghosts sleep tonight # Marianne, let the ghosts sleep # Just shut your eyes and burn the past # Marianne, let the ghosts sleep tonight # Marianne, let the ghosts sleep # Just shut your eyes and burn the past # Marianne, let the ghosts sleep tonight # Marianne, let the ghosts sleep # Just shut your eyes and burn the past # Marianne, let the ghosts sleep tonight # Marianne, let the ghosts sleep # Just shut your eyes and burn the past away. # www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2017