www.tvnz.co.nz/access-services Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. TVNZ Access Services 2012 NEWSREEL: Here in Malaysia, there's an overwhelming sense of euphoria as the newly elected prime minister has given this impoverished nation the gift of hope, promising to raise the substandard minimum wage and end child labour once and for all. Already considered a living saint, he's become this small country's greatest hope for a thriving future in the new millennium. (European accent) Get closer, Jaco. This is disgusting. How could you let this happen? JACO: I have negotiated my butt off, Georgio. I've tried bribes, I've tried gifts. I even sent them pet oxen. I mean, they love that crap in Malaysia. But he won't budge. WOMAN: 50% of my inventory's manufactured in sweatshops on the Malaysian border. Something has got to be done. If Malaysia goes, what is next? My entire panty line is made in Vietnam. We'll all go bankrupt within a year. The Malaysian must be eliminated, Mugatu. What? No, I don't have time for this. Perhaps you'd rather go back to churning out novelty neckties. But my new fall line is almost due. I trust you'd like to live to see your spring line too. The Malaysian Prime Minister visits New York in 14 days. Do it then. 14 days? That's Fashion Week! It's impossible. I have a show. It's perfect. Invite him to be your guest of honour. It takes months to recruit and train an operative. What about Fabio? Hmm? Too smart. This is a rush job. He's got to be extremely dim-witted. You know the profile, Jacobim. A beautiful, self-absorbed simpleton who can be manipulated and moulded like jello. Or cookie dough. Playdough. Any kind of dough! The point is we need an empty vessel. A shallow, dumb, vacuous moron. And when he's finished, we dispose of him. But who? I mean, where in all of God's green goodness am I going to find someone that beef-headed? WOMAN: Derek, I just have a few more questions, OK? Cool. When did you know you wanted to be a model? Hmm...I guess it was the first time I went to second grade. I caught my reflection in the spoon while eating my cereal, and I remember thinking, "Wow, you're ridiculously good-looking. "You could do that for a career." Do what? Be professionally good-looking. Right. What would be your trademark - if you have one? The look I'm best known for is Blue Steel. What's that look like? It's impressive. And then there's Ferrari and Le Tigre. Le Tigre's a lot softer. It's more of a catalogue look. I use it for footwear sometimes. Can I see that? ( RACY, EXCITING MUSIC ) Look, without Derek Zoolander, male modelling wouldn't be what it is today. He is a fashion icon. Do you spend much time working on these looks? Thinking about them? Sure. I've been working on Magnum for the last 8, 9 years. Magnum? That's intriguing. Can I see that? Are you kidding? I shouldn't even be talking about it. It's nowhere near ready. It's almost like there's a light around him. He exudes beauty. I think about Derek whenever I design something. I don't know if you're familiar with the belief that some Aboriginals hold - the concept that photos steal a part of your soul. What are your thoughts on that as someone who gets his picture taken for a living? MAN: That Blue Steel look he does. Oh, my gosh, the style in the hair. It's like the new afro for the white man, but it's beautiful. I guess I'd have to answer your question with another question. How many Abodigidals do you see modelling? COMMENTATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the fashion industry's biggest night - the VH1 Fashion Awards. There he is, three-time Male Model of the Year - Derek Zoolander. He's like music. Proud owner of Blue Steel - the look that made him a legend. He's almost...too good-looking. Hey, Paco! That would be my main deterrent in, you know, considering...a relationship. And that's who Derek Zoolander is defending his title against. Hansel. (Crowd cheers) Alright, alright, alright. The rookie sensation who has burned his way into the eye sockets of the fashion world and left them clawing their faces for more. PROTESTER: Mugatu, we support the Prime Minister. Mugatu uses slave labour. Arggh! Oh, you hate to see something like that at such an event - ugly protesters bothering beautiful people. There's no denying Jacobim Mugatu has been accused of exploiting cheap Malaysian workers to make his and most of the garment industry's clothes. Derek! Derek! Hey, Steve. How are you doing? You're going for your fourth Male Model of the Year award. Come on, are you nervous? There are some butterflies in my basket but I'll be OK. We hear you're working on a new look. Can you tell us about it? I can't, Steve, because it's not yet perfected, but it's called Magnum and... MAN: Ciao, baby. Ciao! Oh! If I tell you anything else, he'll kill me. That's right. How are you? Maury Ballstein. Balls Models. A man who needs no introduction. Maury, you've handled every important male model for the last 30 years. Derek's chances tonight? Let me tell you something. Nobody can touch Derek. Nobody! I've gotta get inside. I'm shvitzing like a shlemazel with all these lights. ( HEAVY, OMINOUS MUSIC ) REPORTER: Derek, Derek! Are you worried about Hansel? Not as much as I'm worried about Gretel. Put that Hansel and Gretel line in your article. I want people to know I'm funny. They'll know - it hits newsstands tomorrow. Excuse me, Mr Mugatu! Mr Mugatu! Matilda Jeffries, 'Time' magazine. Any comment on Prime Minister Hassan's wage increases for Malaysian garment workers? He has no comment. Let him speak for himself. Isn't it true you'd like to see the PM out of power so you can continue exploiting cheap Malaysian labor? Hey, Mugatu! Screw you and your little dog too! MAN: Look out! She's got an egg! Arggh! PROTESTER: Let go of me! Yes! Yes. Wow, I just can't tell you how much this means to me to be the first recipient of this beautiful award. We have a serious problem on our hands, Maury. This Malaysian thing is getting out of hand. I hear you, Jaco. What this, the Slashie, means is you consider me the best actor 'slash' model and not the other way around. This proposed wage increase could ruin us. I need it taken care of soon. I have people to answer to. Alright, now to the important stuff. These ain't no 'slashes', folks. These are the pure breeds. Here are the nominees for Male Model of the Year. MALE COMMENTATOR: Young, hot, brash. With more covers in his first year than any rookie model ever and an attitude that says, "Who cares? It's only fashion." That Hansel's so hot right now. HANSEL: I hear words like 'beauty' and 'handsomeness' and 'incredibly chiselled features'. To me that's like a vanity, er... ..self-absorption that I try to steer clear of. I dig the bungee. For me, it's the way I live my life. I grip it and I rip it. I live with flare. I live out on the edge. I wasn't like every kid who dreams of being an astronaut. I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree. Richard Gere's a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music he's created - I don't really listen to it but the fact that he's making it, I respect that. I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I'm selling? No. Do I know what I'm doing today? No. But I'm here and I'll give it my best shot. ( APPLAUSE AND CHEERING ) Over the past decade, male modelling has had a shadow cast over it by one man and five syllables. De-rek Zoo-lan-der. DEREK: Modelling to me isn't just about being good-looking or having a lot of fun and being really good-looking. (Man speaks in Japanese) Ha! Ho! The calendar was great because it gave people a chance to see a side of my versatility. The Greek word 'model' means 'misshapen ball of clay'. I always try to remember that in front of the camera. Three-time Male Model of the Year. ( APPLAUSE AND CHEERING ) And the award goes to... ..Hansel. ( APPLAUSE AND CHEERING ) Thank you, Lenny. Wow! You know, a lot of people said winning this award four years in a row couldn't happen. Well, I guess I showed... Oy! ( SAD MUSIC ) I think we've found our solution, Ballstein. No. Not Derek. He's perfect and you know it. Now make it happen. Stings me like a fissure in my ass but you're right. He's ready. ( WISTFUL MUSIC ) Who am I? I don't know. I guess I have a lot of things to ponder. Hey! The results are in, amigo. What's left to ponder? Whoo-hoo! Nice comeback! (Laughs) ( 'I STARTED A JOKE' PLAYS ) SONG: # Now I started a joke # Which started the whole world crying # But I didn't see # That the joke was on me # Oh, no # I started to cry # Which started the whole world laughing # Oh, if I'd only seen # That the joke was on me # That the joke was on me # That the joke was on me. # RUFUS: Arggh! I can't stand Hansel! I know. Riding in on that scooter like he's so cool. And the way Hansel combs his hair. Or, like, doesn't! Like, "Excuse me, but have you ever heard of styling gel?" I'm sure Hansel's heard of styling gel. He's a male model. Earth to Brint - it was a joke. Earth to Meekus - duh, OK? I knew that. Earth to Brint - I'm not so sure you did. You were all, "I'm sure he's heard of styling gel" like you didn't know it was a joke. I knew it was a joke. I just didn't get it straightaway. Earth to Brint... Would you guys stop it? Did you ever think maybe there's more to life than being really, really... ..really ridiculously good-looking? Maybe we should be doing something more meaningful with our lives. Like helping people. Uh...Derek, what people? I don't know. People who need help. Models help people. They make them feel good about themselves. They also show them how to dress cool and wear their hair in interesting ways. I guess so. Know what can help you sort through these important issues? What? ALL: Orange mocha frappuccino! SONG: # Jitterbug... # Yeah. Come on, man. # You put the boom-boom into my heart # You send my soul sky high when your lovin' starts # Jitterbug into my brain # Goes a bang-bang-bang till my feet do the same # But something's buggin' you # Something ain't right # My best friend told me what you did last night # You left me sleepin' in my bed # I was dreaming but I should have been with you instead # Wake me up before you go-go # Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo # Wake me up before you go-go # I don't want to miss it when you hit that high # Wake me up before you go-go # 'Cause I'm not planning on going solo # Wake me up before you go-go # Take me dancing tonight # I wanna hit that high! # Yeah, yeah # You take the grey skies out of my way # You make the sun shine brighter than Doris Day # Turned a bright spark into a flame # My beats per minute... # 'Derek Zoolander: A Model Idiot?' # ..I'm your fool # It makes me crazy when you act so cruel # Come on, baby, let's not fight # We'll go dancing, everything will be alright # Wake me up before you go-go # Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo # Wake me up... # Brint! Huh? (Yells) No! ( SPLAT! ) ( ORGAN PLAYS ) Rufus, Brint and Meekus were like brothers to me. When I say 'brother', I don't mean like an actual brother. I mean it like the way black people use it, which is more meaningful, I think. If there's anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it's that a male model's life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiselled abs and stunning features, it doesn't mean that we too can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident. So, today, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to take this opportunity to announce my retir... ( FUNKY ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ) Hansel. So hot right now. Hansel. I would like to take this oppor... (Crowd chatters) People. (Bangs lectern) I'd like to announce my retirement from the male modelling profession. (Crowd gasps) What? I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really good-looking. I plan on finding out what that is. Thank you. Mr Mugatu! Mr Mugatu! Can I just have some of your time, please? Just one minute. Please, sir. Uh-uh. Derek? Derek, hey. What do you want? I'm trying to talk to Mugatu but he's tougher to get to than the President. Thought you wanted to tell me what a bad eugoogaliser I am. A what? (Sighs) A eugoogaliser - one who speaks at funerals. Did you think I'd be too stupid to know what a eugoogaly was? (Clears throat) How could you write those terrible things about me? My editor put that headline on it, OK? I'm sorry. I know it came off kind of harsh. Fortunately, not too many people I know read your little 'Time' magazine or whatever it's called. Look, maybe you could do me a favour. All I want is some background information on Mugatu. Mugatu? Mugatu is the one designer who's never hired me. Come on, there's got to be... Sorry, lady. Not interested. If you'll excuse me, I've got an after-funeral party to attend. ( CAR STARTS AND DRIVES OFF ) MAURY: Go back home? You're overreacting. I want to do something meaningful with my life, Maury. I have deeper thoughts on my mind. The other day, I was thinking about volunteering to teach underprivileged children how to read, and just thinking about it was the most rewarding experience I've ever had. I doubt you're cut out for that stuff. Maybe I can even have my own institute. We could call it the Derek Zoolander Centre for Kids Who Can't Read...Good. What about us? We built this place together. Look out! Tooshie squeeze. (Squeals) Maury! When we met, you were a junior petit who couldn't book a Sears catalogue and who couldn't turn left to save his ass. Now look at you. I can turn left! Yeah, right. Some male models go left at the end of the runway, others go right. You have gifts, but hanging a louie isn't one of them. Sit down! Hey, you want to hear some great news? (Sings) Bop-bada-ba! Ba-daba, ba-ba! Mugatu wants you for his new campaign! Didn't you hear me, Maury? I just retired. But this is Mugatu, Derek! Right now, this guy is so hot he can take a crap, wrap it in tinfoil, put fish hooks on it and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as earrings. Derek, you're the laughing stock of the entire fashion world. What do we do when we fall off the horse? (Mouths words) Hmm. We get back on. Sorry, Maury. I'm not a gymnast. I'm going back home. I need to get in touch with my roots. Figure out who I am. See you around, Maury. Oy. ( 'HE AIN'T HEAVY' PLAYS ) SONG: # The road is long # With many a winding turn # That leads us to... # Hey, Pop. # ..who knows where # Who knows where... # It's me. Scrappy. Luke. You remember your brother, right? What do you want? I thought maybe I could work the mines with you guys. You know, all the Zoolander men together again. Like when we were kids. Times have changed, boy. You wouldn't last one day down those coal pits. Can't you pretend to be happy to see me, Pop? Damn it, Derek. I'm a coalminer not a professional film or television actor. Do us all a favour and... ..get out of here. Pop, wait. Please. Give me a chance. I won't let you down. I promise. ( POWERFUL MUSIC ) MUGATU: Hold very still. VERY still. I'm working right now. This... Ouch! I'm sorry, did my pin get in the way of your ass? Do me a favour and lose 5 pounds or get out of my building, now! Get out! (Dog yaps) I'm so tired... No, Todd, not now. It's Maury. Tell me something good. You may have to find someone else. There is no-one else. The show is in 10 days, Ballstein. Jaco, I hear you, but the kid's mixed up. He went home. He's talking about tutoring underprivileged retards or some shit. I don't care what it takes. Get him back! We're running out of time, capisce? Yeah, I capisce. Now, if I can only ca-piss. My prostate's flaring up like a fricking tiki torch. Give me a little pee-pee. Come on. Couple of drops. ( DRIPPING SOUND ) (Sighs with relief) That's what I'm talking about! ( HEAVY '80s POP MUSIC ) SONG: # Everyone's watching # To see what you will do # Everyone's looking at you # Oh # Everyone's wondering will you come out tonight? # Everyone's trying to get it right # Get it right... # Surprise! Ah! # Everybody wants a new... # What the hell's the matter with you? # Everybody's going off the deep end... # COMMENTATOR 1: Pacheco back to pass. COMMENTATOR 2: Presman looking for John Nerosa, the wide receiver. Wide open in the middle of the field. Big rush. Oh! Who's winning the match? State. (Coughs feebly) I think I'm getting the black lung, Pop. It's not very well ventilated down there. Christ, Derek, you've been down there one day. Talk to me in 30 years. ( TRANQUIL PIANO MUSIC ) Moisture is the essence of wetness. And wetness is the essence of beauty. (Men snigger) Why'd you have to come back to this damn town? I wanted to make a new life for myself. I'm sorry I was born with perfect bone structure, that my hair looks better done up with mousse than hidden under a stupid hat with a light on it! All I ever wanted to do was make you proud, Pop. With what, your male modelling? Prancing around in your underwear with your wiener out for everyone to see? You're dead to me, boy. You're more dead to me than your dead mother. Thank God she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid. Merman. (Coughs feebly) Merman! ( DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC ) Who am I? ( MOBILE PHONE RINGS ) MAURY: Hello? Derek, you hearing me? God?! God?! What the shit are you talking about? It's me, Maury. I hope you're finished touching your roots. Mugatu's making you an offer you won't believe. You gotta get your tuchus back here. ( POWERFUL MUSIC ) To tell you the truth, I was hesitant at first, Mr Mugatu. I mean, you've never hired me before. And I've been around... For ages and ages. You've been around a long time. I never wanted you. Now you're retired, I can't have you. It's funny how it switches. But now the forbidden fruit must be tasted. When Maury told me what you were willing to do... (Moans) Ah! Ah! (Squeals) Todd, are you not aware I get farty and bloated with a foamy latte? My mistake, Jacobim. Your mistake indeed! (Dog whimpers) Oh! Mmm. Ah, ah! Yes, Derek - what Maury said I was willing to do for you. Let's get back to the reason we're here. Without much further ado, I give you... ..the Derek Zoolander Centre for Kids Who Can't Read Good. What is this? A centre for ants? What? How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read if they can't even fit inside the building? Derek, it's just a... I don't wanna hear your excuses! The centre has to be at least... ..three times bigger than this. He's absolutely right. Thank you. I have a vision. And so do I. Let me show you mine. I can't help you, lady. I don't know nothing about Mugatu. You've represented every model in each of his campaigns. You must have a relationship with him. If I did, I wouldn't talk to you. Shame on you, picking on Derek Zoolander in that story. He's a sweet simpleton who never hurt a fly. Please don't change the subject, Mr Ballstein. What about Mugatu's exploitation of sweatshop workers in Malaysia? What's your opinion on that? Want an opinion? With a push-up bra, you'd have a nice rack of lamb there. Let me show you the future of fashion. Let me show you... ..'DERELICTE'. It is a fashion, a way of life inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crack-whores, that make this wonderful city so unique. And I want you, Derek, to be the face, the image, nay, the spirit, of Derelicte. It'll be your glorious comeback. Sounds cool. Derek, I'd like you to meet Katinka Inga Borgovininana. She'll be your day-to-day on the campaign. (Claps) Let's get this model on his way. The big show is in eight days, Derek. Like a caterpillar becomes a butterfly, so must you become DERELICTE. You want me to sleep in the gutter? No, we're sending you to a very exclusive day spa - so exclusive no-one knows about it. Our little secret, OK? ( DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC ) Matilda, hey. Hey, Arch, what's up? Nothing. I've been up for a few days researching Mugatu. Wow! Very thorough, Archie. Thank you. It's weird. I couldn't find anything on him before 1995. He appeared out of the blue. Really? That's strange. Yeah. ( PHONE RINGS ) Matilda Jeffries. MAN: Keep pulling the sweater. Excuse me? The whole thing will unravel. If you pull the THREAD, the whole thing will unravel? Now you're talking, sister. If you wanna know more, go to Pier 12. Things aren't what they seem. ( EXCITING ELECTRONIC MUSIC ) What kind of spa is this? It's designed for deep, deep relaxation. Come, let's get you loosened up. G-o-o-d boy. G-o-o-d boy. Oh! Oh, I'm sorr... Derek? Matilda? What are you doing here? I was... Um... Ah... What are you doing here? I thought you quit the business. Haven't you heard? I'm the new face of Mugatu's Derelicte campaign. Ah...what do you mean, Derek? You said Mugatu never hires you. I guess he changed his mind. It's the biggest campaign in the world, ever. What is this?! Who are you? This is private property. Nils! (Screams) Ow! I suggest you and your Kmart Jaclyn Smith collection outfit stay the hell away from Derek Zoolander. How do you feel, Derek? Um...OK. When's the seaweed wrap? You shut up now. I want you to relax... ..and breathe deeply. Breathe deeply. ( POUNDING DANCE MUSIC ) SONG: # Just one time, now # Relax, don't do it When you want to suck to it... I like this song. Of course you do. # When you want to come... # Hello, Derek. Hello. Welcome to your relaxation time. Let's this wonderful '80s classic soothe you. Just a nice, warm, happy time. Happy. Happy. Happy. Ha, ha, ha. Ah. Ah. Nothing to worry about at all. Just relax. Hey, there, Derek. My name is Little Cletus. I'm a regular kid who wants you to know the truth about child labor laws, OK? OK. They're silly and outdated. In the good old days, kids as young as five could work as they pleased, from textile factories to iron smelts. Yippee! Hooray! But today, the age-old right of children to work is under attack, from the Philippines, to Bangladesh and China, and India and South America too. Boo-hoo! But you can help these children, Derek, by killing the Prime Minister of Malaysia. He is bad. What? ( ZAP! ) Ah! You'll learn martial arts. Cha! Ha! Cha! Prime minister of Malaysia - bad! Martial arts - good! Kill naughty man! Kill naughty man! Kill naughty man! Obey my dog! On the runway you have one objective. Do not be distracted by the beautiful celebrities. Do as you've been trained to do and kill the Malaysian Prime Minister! (Screams) Karate chop! Bad man. Awful man! In your little blue suit and spiky black hair. Kill! You're a superhot Ninja machine. (Screams) (Screams) Oh! ( KNOCK AT DOOR ) Ah! Oh! MATILDA: Are you in there? Hold your horses. Derek, please open the door. What a cuckoo dream. (Knocks) Derek. (Sighs) What? Are you OK? I've been trying to reach you for a week. A week?! Are you having a wack-attack? I saw you this afternoon, dumdum. That was last Friday. Ah...Earth to Matilda - I was at a day spa. Day - D-A-I-Y-E. OK? (Sighs) I know what this is about and, ah...I'm very complimented, but not interested. What?! I can't sleep with you, OK? My head is killing me... What are you talking about? OK, if you wanna fool around a bit... Hey, I don't wanna sleep with you. You've been missing for a week. Look at the date. Mugatu's Derelicte show is tomorrow night. I don't care what the date says. RECORDED VOICE: You have 1,200 messages. ( BEEP! ) That is a bit above average. Derek, what happened in that spa? I don't know. A little massage, some aromatherapy. I mean, look, lady, you can't just barge into people's lofts wanting sex, then changing your mind, telling them they've been at a day spa for a week... You were in a spa for a week. So what?! Do you understand the world doesn't revolve around you and your do-whatever-it-takes, ruin as many people's lives so long as you make your name as a journalist, despite the friends you lose, or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, so long as you make your name as a journalist, despite the friends you lose, or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way? I told you I was sorry about that article. Enough. My head hurts. If it is what day you claim it is, I've got a party to attend. Now, if you'll excuse me. By the way... What? With your complexion, you shouldn't wear your hair pulled back that tight. What are you talking about? It tightens your forehead skin, creating tension which clogs the pores. That's why you have some light pattern dryness on your scalp. Do you mind? ( SWOOSH! SWISH! SWOOSH! ) Cool. ( TENSE MUSIC ) I do not like snoopy reporter with lack of fashion sense. Not one little bit. I just emailed you those Nexus Lexus searches on the male models who've appeared in Mugatu campaigns. It's pretty weird - it seems all of Mr Mugatu's models have a bad habit of dying young in freak accidents. What? Wait a second... What? (Clicks mouse) (Clicks mouse) (Clicks mouse) Oh, shit! What's going on? I've gotta go. ( FUNKY MUSIC ) I don't want to hang out, OK? I just need to speak with Derek Zoolander. Please! I just thought the way you handled losing that award to Hansel and then sort of laid low for a while, and then made your comeback. That was so courageous. Look, I gotta go pee, but I'd like to continue talking about this conversation when I come back. Yeah. Everything cool, Derek? It's great, Biff. Thank you. Hey, Derek. You rule. Thanks, Paris. I appreciate that. Hey, Derek. Hey, Maurice. MAN: Hey-hey, Derek. My man. You're the man. Hey, Derek, back on top, man. Thanks, Billy. You rock. You rock. When are you gonna drop Magnum on us? Gotta tame the beast before you let it out of its cage. Excuse me, bra. You're excused. And I'm not your bra. Whatever, dude. Whatever. Peace. God bless. Hey, Hansel, I'm real sorry you didn't get Mugatu's Derelicte campaign. Maybe next time. What's that? Mugatu's Derelicte campaign. Sorry you didn't book it. Oh, yeah? I've never even heard of it. We've been too busy bathing off the coast of St Barths with spider monkeys for the past two weeks, tripping on acid - changed our whole perspective on shit. So I guess, ah... I guess you can Dere-lick my balls, capitan. Would you hold this? I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much. Oh! You think you're too cool for school. But I got a news flash for you, Walter Cronkite... You aren't. You trying to get crazy with us? Don't you know I'm loco? Hey, I got a wacky idea. What say we settle this on the runway... ..Han...Solo. (Makes whooshing sounds) Stop it. Are you challenging me to a walk-off? Boo... ..Lander. Don't do this, Derek. Listen to your friend Billy Zane. He's a cool dude. He's trying to help you out. Oh, yeah...that's a walk-off challenge, my friend. Ten minutes. Old Members Only Warehouse. You ought to remember that - you're a dinosaur. Let's go. Open up. I heard some mad stories about this kid. He's limber. Too limber. Put a cork in it, Zane. It's a walk-off. It's a walk-off. This is urgent, ma'am. Do you have any... (Girls squeal and laugh) Derek... Derek. Derek! Hey, Matilda. What is this? Where's everyone going? Good luck, Derek. Kick Hansel's ass. Thanks, Rico. I'll try. Wanna see the real world of male modelling? The one they don't show in magazines or the E-channel. Yeah, I guess. Derek, I have something important to tell you about. Not now, Matilda. Hansella is about to have his Hansel ass handed to him on a platter with French-fried potatoes. Katinka, thought you might want to know, your boy Zoolander's rolling. It's a walk-off. ( POUNDING TECHNO MUSIC ) ( EXCITED CHATTER ) Alright, who's going to call this sucker? If nobody has any objections... ..I believe I might be of service. (David Bowie sings) # Let's dance... # CROWD: Ooh! Whoo! Now, this'll be a straight walk-off, old-school rules. First model walks, second model duplicates then elaborates. OK, boys, let's go to work. Age before beauty, Cochise. Whatever. (Crowd cheers excitedly) Right. (Crowd applauds wildly) ( 'BEAT IT' PLAYS ) (Crowd cheers) SONG: # They told him don't you ever come around here # Don't wanna see your face You better disappear # The fire's in their eyes # And their words are really clear # So beat it... # 'Play School', baby. # Just beat it # You better run You better do what you can # Don't wanna see no blood Don't be no macho man # You wanna be tough Better do what you can # So beat it # But you wanna be bad # Just beat it # Beat it # Beat it # Beat it # No-one wants to be defeated # Showin' how funky strong is your fight # It doesn't matter who's wrong or right # Just beat it... # Cut me. I can't see out there. Evian, Evian. (Screams) It's OK. It's OK. # It doesn't matter who's wrong or right # Just beat it, beat it, beat it # Beat it, beat it... # Where am I? Where am I? Kicking Horse? I'm going monk. I gotta go monk. Prayer. Prayer. Pray to the great spirit. (Makes squawking sounds) ( TRIBAL DRUM MUSIC ) Arggh. Why's he sticking his hand in his pants? Wow. Do it, Hansel. ( MUSIC INTENSIFIES ) Ooh! (Crowd cheers wildly) Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. Yo, Derek, you're not a kid anymore. You could hurt yourself out there. I can do this, Tyson. ( TENSE MUSIC ) (Thinks) Thank God I wore underwear today. ( POUNDING HEARTBEAT ) He's going for it. ( ELECTRONIC MUSIC INTENSIFIES ) ( RIPPING SOUND ) Arggh! ( STUNNED SILENCE ) Ooh! (Groans) Disqualified. (Crowd cheers wildly) Derek, come on. Come on. Come on. What's going on? I think Katinka wants to kill you. Good, I deserve to die if I can't even beat Han-suck-ass at a walk-off. Derek, that's not true. The guy had to miraculously pull his underwear out of his butt just to beat you. All he had to do was turn left. What do you mean? I'm not an ambi-turner. It's a problem I've had since I was a baby. I can't turn left. Derek, that's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm sure there are many people out there who can't turn... There have got to be some people out there just like you who can't... ..turn...turn... ..left. ( MOBILE PHONE RINGS ) Hello? MAN: If you want answers, come to Saint Adonis Cemetery now. Wait. Who are you? Who was that? I'm not sure. I have to get to Saint Adonis Cemetery. You can stay at my apartment until I get back. Can I come with? I don't want to be alone tonight. (Reads) "Pedro Scialfa." He died when he was 29. (Reads) "Vin Correjo. "Derriere Extraordinaire." 92 minus 63. None of them ever made it past 30. I did. (Screams) Who are you? It's not important. Are you a ghost? He called, Derek. Let's take a walk. You think Zoolander's in trouble? (Laughs) Think again. What you stumbled upon goes way deeper than you could ever fathom. The fashion industry has been behind every major political assassination over the last 200 years. And behind every hit, a card-carrying male model. OK, that's impossible. Oh, yeah? Listen and learn, sweetness. Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right? But who do you think made the powdered wigs and coloured leg stockings worn by our country's early leaders? Mugatu! Slaves, Derek. Oh. Without their free labor, prices on such items would have gone up ten-fold. So the powers that be hired John Wilkes Booth, the original model/actor, to do Mr Lincoln in. I'll go on. Dallas, Texas, 1963. Kennedy had just put a trade embargo on Cuba, ostensibly halting the shipment of Cuban-manufactured Sansabelt slacks, an incredibly popular item at the time. Lee Harvey Oswald was not a male model. You're goddamn right he wasn't. But those two lookers who capped Kennedy from the grassy knoll sure as shit were. What about you? How do you fit into all this? This nation was swept... Oh! I'll get it, man. ( CLINK ) Whoo. (Groans) Hey... Get over... Wait a minute. No. I know that hand. It was in the fall 1973 Bulova watch catalogue. You're J.P. Prewitt. The world's greatest hand model. Once upon a time. But things change. Thanks to this homemade hyperbaric chamber, my sweet baby never did. Let's keep movin'. That's when I found out I was in line to assassinate Jimmy Carter. How did you escape? 'Cause I'm a hand model, Mama, a finger jockey. We don't think like the face and body boys. We're a different breed. So why male models? Think about it, Derek. Male models were genetically constructed to become assassins. They're in peak physical condition. They can gain entry to the most secure places in the world. And most important of all, models don't think for themselves. They do as they're told. That is not true. Yes, it is, Derek. OK. Yeah, think about any photo shoot you've ever been on. You're a monkey, Derek! You're a monkey! Dance, monkey, in your little spangly shoes. Clash your cymbals, dimpy. Dance, Derek, dance! Good point. But if this has been going on for so long, Mugatu...? He's just a punk-ass errand boy working for an international syndicate of fashion designers. Do a background check on your Mr Mugatu and you'll find he's sold his soul to the devil for a shot at the big time. But why male models? Are you serious? I just...I just told you that a moment ago. Right. You're a killing machine, Derek. They've programmed you. I won't do it. I won't kill anybody. It's not up to you. At the proper moment they'll trigger you, usually using some kind of auditory or visual Pavlovian response mechanism. Audi-whaty? And when it's over... What? There's an after party? ( GUNSHOT ) Derek, down! You've got to get to Maury Ballstein's computer. He recorded everything in case they ever turned on him. (Screams) Derek, get a grip. Get a grip. Good luck to you, Derek. I've always been a fan of Blue Steel, and I hear Magnum is going to blow us away. ( GUNSHOT ) Arggh! Come on. Get out of here. Hang in there, J.P. ( GLASS SMASHES ) Arggh! You freakin' idiot! Man, that was close. I can't believe Maury's in on it too. That she-male Katinka is not messing around. For a second I thought someone was going to be reading our eugoogaly! Alright, we need a place to hide. Where's the last place anyone would ever look for you? I don't know. Think, OK? This is important! ( HORN BLASTS, BRAKES SCREECH ) Ugh! I hate Hansel. Hansel, Hansel. Everywhere I look, Hansel, Hansel, Hansel. (Clears throat) Were you looking for a rematch? Excuse me, Hansel, I don't think there's an easy way to put this, so I'll just lay it out. Derek has been brainwashed... ..to kill the Prime Minister of Malaysia. And...? And we need a place to hide until we figure this whole thing out. Derek said this would probably be the last place anyone would look for him. Yeah, you're cool to hide here, but first me and him gotta straighten some shit out. Fine. Why you been acting so messed up towards me? Why have you been acting so messed up towards me? Well, you go first. Maybe I felt a little threatened or something 'cause your career's kind of blossoming and mine's kind of winding down, or whatever... And I felt like, "This guy's really hurting me." And it hurt! And I felt like when you told me to "Dere-lick my balls", that really hurt. Maybe I was scared, man. You're Derek Zoolander! Yeah, you're Derek Zoolander. Do you know what it's like to be another model and be in Derek Zoolander's shadow? You wanna hear something crazy? Your work in the winter '95 'International Male' catalogue... ..made me wanna be a model. I freakin' worship you, man. I'm sorry I was wack. I was wack. I was wack. Welcome to Chez Hansel. You're welcome to hide as long as you want. MATILDA: There isn't much time. We have to figure out a plan before tomorrow night's show. Let me round up the troops here. Hey, what's up, ya'll? This is Derek and Matilda. Derek, you know Natani and Chloe. BOTH: Hey. We got Buzzy Sullivan, Big Waves Herbert from Mavericks. This is this fantastic band, the Little Kingz, that I met when I was ice sailing in Finland. That's my sherpa Lop Sang. So hey, everybody, listen up for a second. Derek and Matilda are in hiding 'cause some dudes brainwashed Derek to off the Prime Minister of Micronesia. Malaysia. Right. So, they're going to be hiding here. Let's show them a good time. Right on! Ennui, will you do me a favour? Will you get that tea that me and Lop Sang got when we free-climbed the Mayan ruins? OK. Ooh, this is really strong tea. No, it's just right, trust me. What, with all the injury you guys have been dealing with. You know, Matilda, I'm a little surprised you're so worried about Derek. From that article I read, it seems you don't care too much about guys in our line of work. Why do you hate models, Matilda? Honestly? Yes. I think they're vain, stupid and incredibly self-centred. I totally agree with you. But how do you feel about male models? Ooh, sweet. OK, but seriously, Matil... Is it alright if I call you Matil? What's the deal, yoyo? 'Cause you're not telling us the whole story. There's something else, isn't there? You guys really wanna know the truth? Yeah. Mm-hm. OK, then I'll tell you the truth. When I was in 7th grade... I was the fat kid in my class. Ew! Alright, forget it. No, no, no... Dude, be cool. I'm sorry. Please, go ahead. My mistake. I was the one that all the pretty girls made fun of. It was... it was an awkward phase. Anyway, every day after school I would come home and I would flick through the pages of my mum's 'Vogue' and 'Glamor' and... ..and I'd look at these women, these perfect, beautiful, just unbelievable, skinny women. I just couldn't... ..I couldn't understand why I didn't look like them. I...I just didn't get it, so, um... ..so I became... What? ..bulimic. You can read minds? It's when you throw up after every meal. This is exactly what you models do to people. You make them feel bad about themselves. Matilda... Matilda, it's just... ..so what! I throw up after lots of meals. Me too. It's a great way to lose pounds before a show. Are you guys insane? Do you understand that it's a disease? Wow! How did that affect you with guys? Did they not want to get busy? Good point. OK, I'm not going to sit here with both of you and discuss my sex life or... ..or lack thereof. Ooh. Oh. Ooh, you mean, like, you... Haven't really... You haven't... Done it in a while, yeah. What's a while? Like, eight days? More? (Sighs) Try a couple of years. Oh! Oh, snap! How do you live? How do you live?! Seriously, do you service yourself 10 times a day? End of discussion. Easy. I'm not comfortable talking... Easy, easy, easy. This is... Easy, easy. This has been an emotional day for all of us. I think we should get naked. What? Don't ask questions. Just give in to the power of the tea. ( EROTIC MUSIC ) SONG: # I love to love you, baby # I love to love you, baby # I love to love you, baby # Do it to me again and again # You put me in such an awful spin # In a spin, yeah # I love to love you, baby... # (Barks and howls) # I love to love you, baby... # (Groans) So I'm rapelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip and I start to fall. I'm about to die. Hot bread, Zeke. Just falling. (Screams) I'll never forget the terror. Suddenly I remember, "Holy shit, Hansel, "haven't you been smoking peyote for six straight days, "and couldn't some of this maybe be in your mind?" And...? It was. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius. Cool story, Hansel. Thanks, Olaf. Dude, how doped was last night? The soil room - dirt was flying. You couldn't see anything. It was like, "Whoa, who's that? Who's this?" I think I'm falling for Matilda, Hansel. Dude, I wasn't going to say anything, but it was, like, crazy energy flying back and forth between you guys. It was like, "Whoa, look out!" There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesman... Oh, yeah. ..where I thought, "Wow! "I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman." Really? What do you call that? I think you call that love, deepo. Hey. Hey. So what time is it? Almost five. What?! Hey, guys, that show is in three hours. Derek is dead unless we get that evidence. Do you guys... Whoa, whoa, easy. How about a "Good afternoon, Derek and Hansel"? "Thanks for the freak fest last night." ( MOBILE PHONE RINGS ) Hello. Hello. Oh, hi, Katinka. Uh...no, I just had a really late party night last night. Derek... Where am I? Hang up the phone now! I have to go. See you at seven. I thought I told you to turn off your phone. Turn off my phone? Ooh. Turn off my phone?! Yeah. Earth to Matilda - this phone is as much a part of me as... Can we cut it out with all the 'Earth to's, please? We're not actually saying this is Earth calling you, Matilda. Yeah, I got that. I understand you don't literally mean... Uh, no, I don't think you do. Listen, it's not like we think we're actually in a control tower trying to reach outer space aliens or something, OK? (Squeaky voice) "Hello. "Hello." Oh, stop. You know what, instead of doing that, I'm going to try to figure out a way into Maury's before Derek assassinates a world leader. Wait a minute. I might just have an idea. They'll be looking for us at Maury's, right? But they won't be looking for... ..not us. Derek, what are you talking about? Hansel, do you have a cosmetics case? Sure. I mean, just for touch-ups or whatever. What will you do with that? That'll do. Early in my career I used to do my own make-up, styling and tailoring. If I can create a basic disguise for us, we may be able to sneak into Maury's undetected. You is talking loco and I like it. ( LAID-BACK FUNKY MUSIC ) ( LOUD DANCE MUSIC ) MAN: So subterranean. WOMAN ON P.A.: Welcome to 'Derelicte'. Welcome to 'Derelicte'. Welcome to 'Derelicte'. Hansel calling Matil. Hansel calling Matil. We have entry. Repeat, we have entry. OK, guys. I hear you. Once you get the info, email it to my office. I'll download the files, rendezvous, and take the information to the police. We hear you loud and clear. (Derek's voice) Listen, Matil... ..I've been thinking a lot about that bulimia thing, and I want you to know... ..I understand where you're coming from. I feel really bad that good-looking people like us made you throw up and feel bad about yourself. For serious. Thanks, Derek. Now, hurry up. OK. I finally got the results on the name check you asked for on Jacobim Mugatu. Or should I say "Jacob Moogberg"? What? He changed his name when he went into the fashion business. He was the original guitar/synth player for Frankie Goes to Hollywood, but he got kicked out before they hit it big with 'Relax'. After the Frankie folks gave him the heave-ho, he held a series of odd jobs until...get this... ..he invented the piano key necktie in 1985. The guy's been a fashion designer ever since. ( SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC ) (Sighs) First obstacle. Ever use one of these? I don't think so. Watch out. Fix that hem, Jason. Please, I need... Katinka! He's not here yet, Jacobim. That little toad-face better show up. He will show. Good. Because I'm a hot little potato right now. There must be an 'on' button somewhere. Did you press that apple thing? Ah! (Grunts and squawks like a monkey) (Both grunt and screech) ( MUSIC FROM '2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY' PLAYS ) (Both screech excitedly) Wait! Arggh! Hansel, let's not lose our cool. Then we're no better than the machine. It's almost seven. I gotta go. No! Derek! Derek, wait. If you go, they'll make you kill the Eurasian dude. I don't care, Hansel. I've never been late for a show, and I don't plan on starting now. Dammit, you're right. Do me a favour - if anything happens to me, I want you to give this to Matilda. Oh, no. Please, Hansel, take it. Please. Ah, man. Take it. Let's just say... ..I'll hold onto it till you get back. Go! Go! ( TRIUMPHANT MUSIC ) Here, live, at the Derelicte show where controversial designer Jacobim Mugatu has extended the olive branch to the Malaysian Prime Minister Hassan, making him the guest of honour at tonight's show. And starring in that show, veteran supermodel Derek Zoolander. ( TENSE MUSIC ) MATILDA ON TWO-WAY RADIO: Guys, what's happening? Did you find the files? Matilda, we've got problems. Derek's already left for the show. No, he can't! We don't know the trigger. Just went running outta here. I couldn't stop him. I'll call him on his phone. He doesn't have it. What?! He doesn't have it. What are you talking about? He always has it. He gave it to me. Did you find the files? I don't even know... What do they look like? They're in the computer. They're IN the computer? They're definitely in there. I just don't know how he labelled them. I got it. You gotta figure it out. We're running out of time. You've gotta find them and meet me at the show. Roger. (Softly) In the computer! It's so simple! Just cut up a couple of cantaloupe halves with some cottage cheese. If you're hungry! Not the right time, Arch. I need to figure out this trigger before Derek kills the Malaysian Prime Minister. You seem tense. I was trying to help you relax. Relax?! The last thing I need to do is rela... ( SUDDEN BURST OF 'RELAX' ) That's it. TODD: Let's go, people! Let's go! Vagrants and whores, you're wanted in make-up. Runaways and street hustlers, you're next. You had us worried, Derek. Everything's cool. I'm really super-psyched for the show. Good. Just remember... ..relax. TODD: Two minutes, Derek. MAURY: Ah, there he is. I just want to wish you... ..good luck. Don't you mean 'goodbye'? What are you talking about? I know it was you, Maury. I know it was you. And it breaks my heart. Derek, I don't know what you're talking... Derek... ..I'm... ..I'm sorry. ( POUNDING DANCE MUSIC ) Oh! Glad you could join us, Kmart. Lucky for you there is no dress code. ( MAJESTIC CLASSICAL MUSIC ) MUGATU ON P.A.: I am the vile spew of the wretched masses. I am really...really...dirty. I am...Derelicte! ( FUNKY HIP-HOP MUSIC ) (Crowd applauds) You make me sick to my stomach, Jaco. It'll all be over soon. Derek Zoolander will be dead, and you'll be fine. You always are. Come on, Derek, you're on. WOMAN: Break a leg, Derek. ( MUSIC CHANGES ) (Crowd applauds) ( PULSING TECHNO MUSIC ) (Crowd cheers and applauds) Oh! ( MUSIC SLOWS ) Derek! It's 'Relax'! I'm fine! I've done this a thousand times. The trigger is 'Rel...' Ugh! (Moans) ( TENSE MUSIC ) ( 'RELAX' PLAYS ) (Jacobim's voice) Concentrate, Derelicte. Do not be distracted by the beautiful celebrities... (Voice echoes) Celebrities, celebrities... SONG: # Relax, don't do it When you... # Do what you've been trained to do... ..and kill the Malaysian Prime Minister! Arggh! Yah! # Relax, don't do it # Shoot it in the right direction # Make it your intention... # (Laughs) Just do it already! D-D-D-e-e-e-r-r-r-e-e-e-k-k-k!! ( 'ROCKIT' PLAYS ) Derek, I've got your back. What? It's that damn Hansel. He's so hot right now. (Makes kung-fu noises) Popping and locking, fool. They're breakdance fighting. Ugh! ( 'RELAX' PLAYS ) # Relax When you want to go to it # When you want to come # Relax, don't do it... # ( 'ROCKIT' PLAYS ) Huh? Hmm. (Yells) Aaaaagh! Ooof! ( 'RELAX' PLAYS ) Yaaaah! # Relax, don't do it When you want to go to it # Relax, don't do it When you want to come # Relax, don't do it # When you want to come... # DEREK: Arggh! PRIME MINISTER: Oh! Arggh! Oh! Ha! Ahhhh! ( FRENZIED MUSIC BUILDS ) Ahhhh! ( MUSIC STOPS ) (Crowd gasps in horror) Derek Zoolander just tried to kill the Prime Minister of Malaysia. That's bullshit! Listen up, everyone. Mugatu's a dick. No. He tried to brainwash Derek to kill the claymation dude. That's a lie! Zoolander snapped because he's over the hill. He knew his career was over and he couldn't face it. No way, compadre. We got 30 years worth of files right here in this computer that are gonna bring you down. Oh, no. Ah, down! (Crowd gasps and screams) Where'd all the files go? I'm taking you out! Yo! Huh? Taste my pain, bitch. Yes! Deal with that! You don't have the guts, Kmart! Wanna bet? And by the way, you were wrong about my outfit. It's the Cheryl Ladd collection and I got it at J.C. Penney... ..on sale. Ooh! Mmm. MAURY: Game's up, Mugato. Everything they're saying is true. I've been in on it for 30 years. What are you doing, Ballstein? I'm done, Jaco. I've got a prostate the size of a honeydew, and a head full of bad memories. I'm setting things straight. You have no evidence. Hans-stupid destroyed everything. I got two words for you, sugar - zip disk. The whole thing is in my den in Long Island. I'll have that evidence here in 20 minutes. Attaboy, Maury. Hold on a sec. I'm afraid of the radiation. ( MOBILE PHONE CONNECTS ) Sheila, honey, it's me. I need you to bring that zip disk in the den to the fashion show. I don't care what the traffic is like. (Moans) Take the service road and get off before the bridge. So put it in a Tupperware container and I'll heat it up when I get home. For Christ's sake, it's a casserole, Sheila! It'll stay. Shut up! Enough already, Ballstein. Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look, for Christ's sake. Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre - they're the same face! (Crowd gasps) Doesn't anyone notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie! I invented it! (Dog whimpers) What have you done, Derek? Nothing! You've done nothing! (Screams) Nothing! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I have you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done, then I will! Die, you wage-hiking scum! (Gasps) ( TENSE MUSIC ) One look?! One look?! I don't think so. ( DRAMATIC MUSIC ) (Crowd gasps) ( WONDROUS MUSIC) (Crowd gasps) There it is. Magnum! Holey-moley. Yeah, baby. That's what I've been waiting for. Dear God, it's beautiful. (Crowd cheers wildly) Yeah! Yeah! ( CAMERAS CLICK REPEATEDLY ) That's my kid. That's my son. Whoa! Yeah! ( STIRRING MUSIC ) Derek! I love that kid. Dumb as a stump, but I love him. Oh, Derek, you did it! That was amazing! I know! I turned left! Yeah, that too. But Derek, you saved the Prime Minister of Malaysia. Oh, right. Cool. Thank you, Derek Zoolander, for saving my life. (Speaks Malay) ( ROMANTIC MUSIC SWELLS ) Hi! I'm former male supermodel Derek Zoolander, and here at the Derek Zoolander Centre For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Who Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach students of all ages everything they need to know to learn to be a professional model and a professional human being. Our diverse faculty includes business management teacher and former model agent Maury Ballstein. The designer's got your nuts in a vice - offering you $10 million plus 3% of every pair of underwear sold. What are you gonna do? (All shout) Screw him! Hold out for more! That's what I'm talking about! DEREK: Join now, because at the Derek Zoolander Centre For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there's more to life than being really good-looking. Right, kids? KIDS: Right! DIRECTOR: And...cut! That's great, Derek. I think we got it. Alright, Mitch, thanks. Everybody, it's a wrap! Hey, Hansel! Hey, D-rock! I'm taking these kids over to George Washington Bridge. Give 'em a lesson in BASE-jumping. Catch you in the teachers' lounge? Alright. Last one in the helicopter's a rotten egg. Let's go! (Kids scream) Yay! Hey, Matilda! There's Daddy! Hey. Hi. How's Derek Jr? He's great. Guess what. He made his first look today. Really? Want to show Daddy your look, Derek Jr? ( TING! ) (Gasps) SONG: # Jitterbug... # Wow. Hey, you guys wanna hang out for story hour? Great. # You put the boom-boom... # Who wants to hear a story? KIDS: Yeah! # When your lovin' starts # Jitterbug into my brain # Yeah, yeah # Goes a bang-bang-bang till my feet do the same # But something's buggin' you Something ain't right # My best friend told me what you did last night # Left me sleepin' in my bed # I was dreaming # But I should've been with you instead... # ( 'RELAX' STARTS PLAYING ) SONG: # Relax, don't do it When you wanna go to it # Relax, don't do it When you wanna come # Relax, don't do it When you wanna go to it # Relax, don't do it # When you wanna come # Oh, yeah, now, come on ( FAST VOCAL RAP ) # Relax, don't do it # When you wanna go to it # Relax, don't do it # When you wanna come # Relax, don't do it # When you wanna go to it # Relax, don't do it # When you wanna come # Relax, relax # Back and forth in one direction # Direct your intention # You gotta dream those dreams # You gotta scheme those schemes # You gotta hit me # Hit me # Hit me with those laser beams # When you wanna go # When you wanna go # When you wanna go. # ( HARMONICA AND PIANO PLAY ) SONG: # The road is long # With many a winding turn # That leads us who knows Who knows where # Who knows where # But I'm strong # Strong enough to carry him # He ain't heavy # He's my brother # So on we go # His welfare is my concern # No burden is he to bear # We'll get there # For I know # He would not encumber me # He ain't heavy # He's my brother # If I'm laden at all # At all # I'm laden with sadness # With sadness # That everyone's heart # Isn't filled with gladness # And love # For one another # It's a long, long road # From which there is no return # While we're on our way to there # Why not share # And the load # Doesn't weigh me down at all # He ain't heavy # He's my brother ( HARMONICA SOLO ) # He's my brother # He ain't heavy... # www.tvnz.co.nz/access-services Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. TVNZ Access Services 2012