(BANGING / CLICKING) (BELL TOLLS) Time. Time, it has been proposed, is the fourth dimension. And yet, for mortal man, time has no dimension at all. We are like horses with blinders, seeing only what lies before us. Forever guessing the future, and fabricating the past. (APPLAUSE) Brilliant. Quite right, Your Grace. How, you ask, can we lift these shackles and live not in the moment, but in the glorious expanse of time's continuum? (EXPLOSION) Listen and I shall tell you. The secret lies in the enduring power of our achievements! Our creations! (APPLAUSE) As the pyramids testify to the Egyptians, so my glorious erection shall represent our culture in perpetuity. Behold! Rising before you the greatest erection on the continent. (CHUCKLES) The greatest erection of the age. (GENTLE CHUCKLING) The greatest erection on the planet. (APPLAUSE) (CLICKS) Hold this. Of course, sir. For the Herald, Your Grace. You're making an important announcement? Good afternoon, ladies. Please excuse me. Good afternoon. (HORSE NEIGHS) (THUNDER RUMBLES) The Perrier Jouet should be chilled. You understand? Chilled. Leopold! Leopold! Where have you been? Leopold! Otis, I demand explication! It's 5:30! He's not even dressed! He'll be ready, My Lord. I don't want him ready! I want him resplendent! Ah, Miss Blaine. You dance like... a herd of cattle. You are a rare woman who lights up a room simply by leaving it(!) Might you be rich, Miss Blaine? Whilst I'm the third duke, the secret of those of us in the royal court, apart from our general uselessness, is our massive indebtedness. It's always been your misfortune that you thoroughly amuse yourself with the sound of your own voice. In a life as stagnant as mine, that I can amuse myself at all is a marvel. Please don't touch that. The device you were jabbering about. To take priests to the bell tower. Or anyone to the floor they desire. Buildings climb. Soon they'll outstrip the stamina of our legs. You speak of progress and invention. Yet what I offer you downstairs is reality. Take a wife. Marry. Marriage. Marriage is the promise of eternal love. I cannot promise eternally what I have never felt momentarily. Born into privilege, yet perversely ashamed of it. That is your tragedy. My God! If my brother could only see you, he'd be heartbroken. You are no duke! Of course I am not. The monarchy's dead. That is reality. New Royals are men of accomplishment. Roebling, Edison with his lamp. Diesel, Bell, Westinghouse. They made themselves from nothing! You, on the other hand, were born with everything. And from it fashioned nothing. As of tonight, I wash my hands of you. Take a good look at your dance card. A wealthy bride is your only surety. (VIOLIN MUSIC) Your Grace, may I present Miss Tree, of the Trees of Schenectady, sir. Miss Tree? It's an honour to be making your royal acquaintance, Your Highness. Shall we? Many dreams, all useless. Who are you? No, no, no, no! Please. Wait. I don't want to harm you. Stop! Please! Wait! Pardon me. Pardon me. Go! Go! Argh! Yaah! (THUNDER RUMBLES) Stop! Sir! Please! My God! No! Let go! Just let go. It's OK. (CREAKS) You don't understand! Let go! (SLAPPING SOUND) Oh! I don't want to hurt you. Let go! Argh! (BOTH) Whoa! (BEEPS) (ELECTRICITY HUMS TO A HALT) (ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) (ELEVATOR HUMS) (ELEVATOR PINGS) (BARKING / DOOR BANGS) (FOOTSTEPS) (BARKING CONTINUES) (Oh, my God!) (BARKS) We must remember, Bart, that sometimes it is OK to colour outside the lines. (PHONE RINGS) Hello? My Palm Pilot, you still have it. "Kate, it's one in the morning." Clearly you're awake. What is the infraction? I don't know where it is. I can't do this now. I'm expecting a call. (GASPS) (BARKING) (BUZZES) (YELPS) Oh, Bart. I am sorry, baby. She is not a happy person. (BUZZES) Argh! (BANGING) God! (PHONE RINGS) "You know what, Stuart?" Kate, please. I have somebody here. I know. I saw her! "No, you didn't." Yes, I did! "It's a him, if that's any consolation to you." "So now you know I'm not getting laid, go to bed." Do not hang up. "Do not do that." Kate, please. I beg of you. Something big is happening. Something that validates my entire life. What could that possibly be? Are you sitting down? Yes. "No, you're not." Yes, I am. No, you're not. Yes... OK. I found it. "What did you find?" The portal. A crack in the fabric of time. "It was over the East River." You found the portal. "A portal into April 28th, 1876." I jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge and took a walk in 1876 today. I followed the Duke of Albany around old New York. Are you listening? "Avidly." Here's the twist. Here's the kicker. (LAUGHS INSANELY) "What's the kicker?" (He followed me home.) The Duke of Buffalo - "Duke Of Albany." ..followed - "He's a brilliant engineer." Patented the counterweight pulley. Invented elevators. I am not your girlfriend any more. I haven't been for a whole month now. You can tell me the truth. "I am telling you the truth." You can tell me you went and picked up a transvestite. I don't care! This is it. This is it in a nutshell. Our downfall. You never, not once, believed in me. I did. I did. For four years. And I got burnt. "You wanna know who he is?" I'll tell you who he is. He is a hacker. High end. English. "I knew him from Columbia. He's in town for the Mac Expo at Javits." "We went out. Got sloppy. He passed out." That's the truth? That's the truth. Are you happy now? Is that plausible enough for you? You know what, Stuart? I blew my best years on you. Those were your best? Look. I am sorry. I have to go. You'll get your Pilot in the morning. 5 (BARKING) (SNARLS) "Orange alert." "(HEAVY-METAL MUSIC BLARES)" (BARKS) Bart, stop. It's OK. (MUSIC STOPS / TV STOPS) You! It's OK. Where am I? There's not an easy explanation for that. If it's a ransom you seek, my uncle won't pay. Except for my demise. You're not being kidnapped. Bart, quiet! I can't see, thanks to your spray. My eyes feel like steak au poivre. I ask you again, where the hell am I? (ARGUING) You'd have me believe that I am being detained in the time to come? Yes. (BARKING) Bart, quiet! He needs a walk. You have found a crack in time?! You should understand. You're a scientist. You invented elevators. What is an elevator? Where the hell am I?! You haven't gone anywhere. You're still in New York. That, sir, is not New York! I am afraid it is. No, Kate. Hello. What's your name? Leopold. I'm having trouble with my G5. How much RAM do I need to run OS 9.6? Clearly the Mac Expo is out! So, you must be a man out of time? Or Sergeant Pepper? We could use a little privacy. I want my Palm Pilot. Later on, Kate. I want my Palm Pilot, Stuart! No! No. Give me my Palm Pilot! (KNOCKS) This is madness. Who was that? I feel as if I've seen - Women have changed since your time. They have become dangerous. It's on the landing! You say this is no kidnapping. You say you mean no harm. Then, why is it you won't unlock the door? (BARKING) I am sorry. I am sorry about her. (BARKS) Look, with all due respect, I can't let you just run around free out there. New York City is not a safe place any more. You look like some sort of psychotic escapee from a Renaissance fair. I understand you have some anxiety. But you have to trust me. I am gonna get you home, OK? I promise. Bart! (BARKS) The portal opens on Monday. That was my backup in case I didn't make it. It's on a cycle. Kind of like... ..a total eclipse. Once every 20 years. Understand? Generally, I understand everything. Since I met you, nothing. I can only assume I am in a nightmare brought on by agita or else I'm dead. You're not dead. Come here. Sit down. Here. Want some milk in yours? (BARKING) Bart, can I just have...? (BARKS) Sorry. He has really got to go out. (WHIMPERS) I'd be honoured if you took a look at those. I'll explain everything when I get back. He has got to go out or he's gonna drop a bomb in there. Let's go Back in five. (LOCK RATTLES) One quick trip to Spectra, Bart, and you and I will be Nobel... laureates. (WHIMPERS) Come on, Bart. Hey. Let's go. Come on. Let's go. Argh! (GROWLS) Jesus! Good boy, Bart. Stay. Stay! Stay! Oh. Bart, please stay! Arrgghh! (TOILET FLUSHES) (FRANTIC KNOCKING AT DOOR) You forgot the pointy thing! Stuart? This is not complex. He forgot the pointy thing. I have been warned about you. What did the Great Disappointment say? That you were dangerous. A lady in trousers isn't dangerous, but plain. I take it you're a career woman. Market research. Fine avocation for women, research. Perfect for the feminine mind. You're a trip, Lionel(!) I myself once courted a librarian in Sussex. Oh. Good for you. Ha! I must confess, I feel as though we've met on a previous occasion. Well, seeing as how I have never met a single friend of Stuart's, and I am not even sure he has any, I don't see how that's possible. Oh, man! Bart! He just made Lake Erie out there. You can't just toss him out. I assure you, I did not. Let's go. I beg your pardon? Let's go! (BARKING) Bart. Hang on a second. Sorry about the elevator. I've got them on the phone now. Hey, Gracy. This is Lionel. Stuart's friend. How do you do? Hey. (CAR RADIO BLARES) (ALARM SOUNDS) Watch it! I do beg your pardon. What are you doing? You need to be going that way. There's... Hello? Hello? I am sorry. There's a patch of grass. He'll do his business there. Can you give this to Stuart? It's his cable bill. "..from the Battery to the Bronx, elevators have mysteriously..." (BARKS) Oh! (TYRES SCREECH) So sorry. I do beg your pardon. (TYRES SCREECH / HORN BLARES) I beg your pardon! Are you gonna remove that? I beg your pardon? Pick it up and put it in the trash. Absolutely not. Maybe you don't understand. It is against the law to leave it there. Are you suggesting there's a law compelling gentlemen to lay hold of canine bowel movements? I'm suggesting you pick the poop up and throw it away. I refuse. Respectfully. Alright. What's your name, fancy pants? Leopold Alexis Elija Walker Thomas Garrett Mountbatten. Alright, Stuart. Have a nice day. 1 I appreciate you putting in a good word for me, but JJ's not back yet. Right. Bye. What's with the elevators? Darci. Last page. I'm sorry. Did everyone live happily ever after? He lost his leg to gangrene waiting for her. But they're together now. Wonderful. You got your Palm Pilot back. A nightmare. OK, who do I owe? Bobby at Hasbro, Reeves at Crunch. The finals came in on Love For Sale. The call with the studio's at four. Margarine thing's in 15. JJ wants to talk to you. And one more thing. Your brother is back from his retreat tomorrow. If you want something in - Can you tell me why I am upset right now? Because, er... JJ called. That is why I have a cellphone so you can call me. He didn't call. He just popped his head in and spoke two sentences. So, he's back? Margo says he's gonna make a big announcement. How does she know? Oh. Alright. So he popped his head in. Tell me exactly what he said. Start at the beginning and tell me - He said, "Tell Kate I am gonna sit in on the Farmer's Bounty." JJ. Good morning, Kate. Good morning. I'll see you in there. Good Lord, it still stands! The world has changed all around it, but Roebling's erection still stands! (LAUGHS GLEEFULLY) That, my friend, is a miracle. What? It's a miracle, man. It's a bridge. When did they adapt it for steam engines? (SIRENS) The fire brigade! I don't know how it happened. I found him in the shaft. Stuart? Leopold?! What are you doing out here? Get back inside. Argh! Oh. (GROANS PAINFULLY) They're taking him to Goodman Memorial. (SIREN) "Fresh creamery butter." "Is there anything more comforting? There is." "I know you'll agree when you try Farmer's Bounty with the essence of real butter in every bite." Your first choice. 45% of our demo circled "shifty" as his key descriptor. Not good. "This is what I say. Everybody should be trying Farmer's Bounty with the real rich creamy taste of real butter." "Try it and you will be losing pounds! Voila!" Your second choice. Unfortunately, the group found him obnoxious, abrasive. And a whopping 72% found him just plain creepy. The spot rolls out in four days. What am I supposed to do? Do another session. My assistant booked a response room at National so we can decide there. Oh! Are you alright? Are you OK? I'm fine. Kate, I'd ask for a decaf. Call Barney's. I need a white blouse in Kate's office by lunch. Oh, dear. (PHONE RINGS) "Hi, you've reached Stuart. Please leave a message." "Leopold? Don't be frightened. This is Stuart." Is it Bell's talking telegraph? I saw a prototype at last year's fair. "Pick up the handset, Leo. Pick up the green handset." "I need to talk to you." Are you there? Leopold, thank God. They're taking me to X-ray. You have to stay in the apartment. Understand me? Stuart, I saw Roebling's Bridge today. I saw it complete. "Yes, but listen to me. You can't go out again. Stay in the apartment." For how long? I'll be back tonight. No more field trips. Would you...? Ow! Hel...? Hello? Stuart? Hello! Blast! (TV PLAYS) Hello. Hello. Who are you? Hector. My mom works late on Wednesdays, so I watch TV with Stuart. Want some Pirate's Booty? (KNOCK ON GLASS) Excuse me, JJ. Thanks for the shirt. That was very nice that - Come in. Yeah. Uh-huh. Absolutely. Good. She's here right now. I'll tell her. OK. Bye. Sit down. That was Barry. He was thrilled with your work at the screening. Good. Good. You're a rarity among women, Kate. I'm sorry? You don't cling to illusion. You don't get caught up in emotion. You don't do pretty. I don't? You skew male. You're like a man. A man who understands women, their desires, their needs. You understand them, but you're not really one of them. You don't mind my being frank, do you? No, I don't. No. Edamame? Kate? ^ (CHATTER) 'But one day he lowered the Jolly Roger...' Stu? ..in search of another kind of treasure. Not money, not jewels, not gold, but a bride. Despite his being a ruffian of the brine, fearless in his plunder, and merciless with his sword, the Pirate King was also lonely. You see, he had never met a lady. He never met a girl? No, not a girl, not a lady, not even his own mother. So, what happened? As with all comedies, the most ridiculous thing. The Pirate King fell in love with the Major General's daughter. I saw the premiere last month at the Fifth Avenue Theatre. Since when is Penzance at the Fifth? Is it your habit to simply enter a conversation without introduction? Deep in it. Cool. I'm an actor, too. Charlie. I live downstairs. Kate McKay, Senior Vice President. It hasn't happened. All he did was dangle a carrot. Until he makes a decision, the pressure has doubled. When is he gonna make a decision? We're having dinner to discuss it. At Commune. Kate? Yeah. Stuart's on the line. No. He's in a hospital. Leopold is alone. God knows what could happen. You know he went out? Yeah. I made him walk your dog. What?! He can't go outside! Jesus Christ! He's from 1876. He doesn't know our customs. If something happened to him it could be catastrophic! Shhh! If he doesn't go back to 1876 he doesn't get married. And what happened with the elevators will seem like a walk in the park. Stuart! This is embarrassing. Someone has to keep an eye on him. He's a grown man. He's fine. He can take care of himself. Wait. Ah! Kate, please. Take this to Spectra. Get it developed. You'll see I'm telling the truth. Tell Manny it's important. You want double prints? That's not funny. It's not a joke. You need help, Stuart. You need help. (SINGING) # Faster (ALL) # I'm very good at integral and differential calculus # I know the scientific names of beings animalculous # In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral # I am the very model of a modern major general # Charlie? Hey, Kate. Can I see you downstairs for a minute? I invited him to dinner. He's alone. Stuart's in the hospital. I didn't think you'd have a problem. No, you didn't think. You came home one day early from actor camp - It's not actor camp! This T'ai Chi broad kept sticking her fingers - This is the point. You march up to my ex-boyfriend's apartment and invite his freakish friend - See?! That's what it's about. (KNOCK ON WINDOW) Greetings, Kate. Charles. Hi, Leo. Be nice. (SCRAPES) So, when's Stuart getting back? Couple of days. Maybe a week. He promised me it'd be this evening. Maybe he will. He's so big on keeping his promises. May I have the next course? There is no next course. Ha. Where I come from the meal is the result of reflection and study. Menus are prepared in advance. Timed to perfection. It is said, without the culinary arts, the crudeness of reality would be unbearable. We had a saying in our house, "You shake and shake the catsup bottle." "None will come, then a lot will come." What is that? I beg your pardon? Why are you standing? I am accustomed to stand when a lady leaves the table. Tell me, Charles, when Stuart and your sister were engaged did you read his papers on the temporal universe? I spent the morning perusing them - We weren't engaged. Not even close. But I did read... Thank you. But I did read his papers to show support. Stuart's still trying to make a time machine? That's the beauty of it, no machine. All one had to do was develop formulae to forecast portals, windows in the fabric of time. Stuart located one utilising modern... Ah. ..utilising modern theories of weather prediction. What's a portal? An opening which exists for but a moment. One must jump through it at the required velocity. The speed of gravity. It's quite brilliant. You are so Method. You don't break for a second. He's unbelievable! Stop it, please! No more! I beg you. I am tired. Can you go away? Can you just go away? She's drunk. Shut up. Can you go upstairs? Can you go away? I am truly sorry if I have offended you in any way. Good night, Charles. Good night, Leo. What the hell was that? He thinks he's from the 19th century. He thinks he's a duke. I know! Isn't that cool? No. He's in character. He's an actor. For what show? Just because someone doesn't have a paying gig doesn't mean they're not working on their craft! (SIGHS) (HISSING) (BEEPING / GASPS FOR AIR) What's going on here? I think there's something wrong with his... ..thing. Give me that telephone. No. Give it to me. No! I need to... You took away my cellphone! They're not allowed. I have to make a call! You're not going to make one now. But this is a very important call. I have to leave this hospital now. I am tired of telling you this. You are not going nowhere until Dr Feinstein signs your release. Did you ever take earth science? You look like a smart woman. Ever hear of the Time/Space Continuum? Sounds important. Well, it is. You wanna know something? It's broken! And I am the only guy who can fix it. So get on your little telephone and call Dr Feinstein... Good night. You tell him... You tell him that I... 1 "Point the toes. Draw your shoulders back. Take a deep breath in, exhale into a downward facing dawn." SMOKE ALARM) (BANGING / BARKING) "..in the air." Be Quiet! Be a good dog! (SMOKE ALARM SOUNDS) (ALARM STOPS) Bart, shut up! That thing is a damned hazard. It's just a toaster! Insertion of bread into so-called toaster produces no toast at all. Merely warm bread. Inserting the bread twice produces charcoal. It requires one and a half insertions, which it doesn't allow. One assumes that when the General of Electric built it, he'd have used it! One assumes the General might take pride in his creations, instead of just foisting them on an unsuspecting public! Nobody gives a rat's ass that you have to push the toast down twice. You know why? Because everybody pushes their toast down twice! Not where I come from. Because where you come from toast is the result of reflection and study. You mock me. But one day when you've awoken from a slumber to the scent of a warm brioche smothered in marmalade and fresh creamery butter, you'll understand that life's not only comprised of tasks, but tastes. Say that again. Pardon me? Did they start yet? Yes. Session list. Leopold, Darci. Darci, Leopold. I'd like him to read. Can you tag him on at the end? Leopold, Darci will take you to the green room. I need to work out. I need a place I can work out. Mr Duke? Is he ready? Look at this. Let's skip this one. Right here on the floor. Excuse me. That's your mark. Stand there. Forget him. I can't waste any more time. We need to make a decision. We've got plenty. Let's cut it off. That would be a mistake. The client wants to move on. We should see this last guy. Two minutes. I think he looks like the Quaker Oats guy. It's not about what you think, it's about what they think. They've been in a coma, now look at them. To them, this guy is a dream. He's handsome, honest, courteous. Stands when you walk in. Brings you brioche in bed. If you eat his margarine, maybe your hips will shrink and he'll come to your door. It's to be delivered in direct address, as on Geronimo? Geronimo? He means Geraldo. Exactly. Quiet, please. Action! Start talking. Fresh creamery butter. Is there anything more comforting? I say there is. And perhaps you'll agree when you sample fat-free Farmer's Bounty with the genuine essence of creamery butter in every bite. With every mouthful of Farmer's Bounty you shall receive butter's luxurious comfort in your mouth without adding to the luxury of your waistline. Not bad, Kate. Where'd you find him? He lives in my building. Oh. Hi. That was spectacular. Thanks. A lot to talk about tonight at dinner. Nice work, Mr Margarine. Thank you. Outfit was a great idea. Nice. Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Whoa! Ha-ha! You seem pleased. You did so great in there. Man! You are gonna be on a national television spot. I take it you're dining with that man tonight. Huh? Oh, yeah. JJ, he's my boss. You require a chaperone. His intentions are obvious. I am alone with you. Do I need a chaperone? We're not courting. If we were, as a man of honour, I'd have informed you of my intentions. Ugh. Good day. Hey! Why don't we take one of these? They're for tourists. Sorry. She doesn't seem interested. Hey. Hello? Hello. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey, you asshole! Kate! Hey, you asshole! Hey! I am gonna get you. Hey! Asshole! (SIGHS) Goddammit! (PANTS) (SNORTING) Give me your hand! What? Your hand, woman! (NEIGHS) G'yah! G'yah! (SCREAMS) What do you think you're doing? Whoa! G'yah! Oh. I warn you, scoundrel, I was trained to ride at the King's Academy and schooled in weaponry by the palace guards. You stand no chance. You run, I'll ride. When you stop, this'll be lodged in your brain. (APPLAUSE / CHEERING) Your boyfriend's a very good rider. Yeah. Are you for real? Pardon me? Are you for real? I believe so. You're a duke. I was born a duke. But I have never felt like one. 1 Stay. Sit. On your feet. Stay. (WHINING) Stay. Good boy. I am off to dinner. What are you two doing? Don't know. Maybe we'll watch the rest of the game or go out. Oh. Thank you. Kate, may I repeat my offer to serve as a chaperone? No, thank you. Don't you find this inappropriate? As her brother, I would think - As her brother, I'd think my sister would invite me to an audition. Could be just me. Seems kind. You're not a margarine spokesperson. I can't sell butter? I don't wanna be insulting. You are. You don't think I can sell it? No. I can do British. I am an actor! A very good actor. You are! A Victorian dude who has never seen a Mets game watching TV. OK. Scene. I say, are those little people in that box of phosphorous? I believe it is. This is more beguiling than cricket. Indian. Good golly. Mike Piazza just won the game. How about Canadian? Oh, you like butter, huh? What's that about? Good night. Good night. When he walked in in that outfit, I was getting nervous for you. "If you eat his margarine, maybe your hips will shrink." Brilliant. You saved Phil from his own ambivalence. I knew it was the way to go. In my gut. I am counting on that gut. Can I get a bottle of your '95 Lynch Bages and a bottle of Evian? Your friend is gonna be bigger than Mr Whipple. Thanks. You're not sleeping with him, are you? No. No. (MUSIC THUDS) Leo, come on. Come here. See the girl with the long brown hair? That's Patrice. She's lovely. She's mine. Congratulations. (MUSIC PLAYS) Hey, everybody, this is Leo. Leo, everybody. What's up? Dennis. Shelby, Allison, Monica. And this is the insatiable Patrice. Hey, Charlie. Hey. How do you do? Patrice, let me assist you. Thanks. You got it? He got it. Let me get that for you. There you go. You look nice tonight. Like a Judy Blume book. (LAUGHS) That's good. I thought for a moment that body of water was a moat. No, that's a pond. The gardens are devastating. Yes. They're very beautiful. You'll have to see them first-hand. Right. After the merger, I am gonna be stuck over there, setting it up. I'll be craving a little face time from my new top honcho in New York. What are you saying? I am saying you should come and visit. I'll fly you over for the weekend. Yeah, I heard that. The part before that. The part about the top honcho. I didn't understand that. How about catching an opera on Saturday? La Boheme's at the Met. The audience is about to leave. She comes back on stage and squirts the audience with the turkey baster filled with pine mist. And she's screaming, "Unsex me!" But no tears. Just raw human passion. Isn't William Dafoe part of that? Yeah. He did this monologue about how all the best things in life are hidden in basements. The Louvre. I'm sorry. You were saying, Charles? No, what about the Louvre? Tell us what you were going to say. Only a fraction is on the walls. The rest is in the basement. You have been in its basement? Yes. I did art history at Vassar. Ah. What's down there? That's where the real show begins. Unspoiled by dilettantes. Da Vinci, Michelangelo, David, Chardin. "Allow me to assist you, Patrice." "Let me light that for you, Monica." "This? It's my family crest. Been in the family for..." "What's in the basement?" "The works of Da Vinci, Michelangelo, Chardin, David." "All surrounded by great coral sponges to absorb the moisture." Just for the record, I was working it. I was in the zone. And I would have gotten her number if you hadn't turned the evening into a guided tour of the Louvre. My apologies. Let's get one thing straight. She thought you were cute. Probably gay and cute. And cute, Leo, is the kiss of death. Perhaps. "Perhaps"? I believe this is her number. Patrice has no inkling of your affections. And it's no wonder. You, Charles, are a Merry Andrew. A what? Everything plays a farce to you. Women like sincerity. This requires pulling one's tongue from one's cheek. No-one wants to be romanced by a buffoon. That number rings her? Yes. Ring her tomorrow. I can't. She gave the number to you. Cos I told her of your affections. What did you say? Merely that you admired her, but were hesitant to make an overture as you'd been told she was courting. Shit! That's good! What did she say? She handed me the napkin. Charles, it's quite late. She won't be home. Leave a message on her machine, ball's in her court. You're ladling calculation upon comedy. Keep the ball in your court. You're right. You're right! OK. Nothing need be done until tomorrow. Tomorrow. Then I make my move. Overture. Make your intentions known. Think of pleasing her, not vexing her. No vexing. You're intoxicated. We should retire. I'm sure Kate will be home. Doubt it. But it's nearly midnight. You like her, don't you? Who? Kate. You do! Oh, Charles! You like my sister! You've made your intentions known, right? You have been drinking. Commune is right around the corner. You could give me some pointers. Pull out a chair, throw out a gesture. It's one thing with Patrice. It's a whole other ball of wax when it's a girl you like, huh? Who's the Merry Andrew now? (LAUGHS) You want to vex my sister. I have to confess that I am a bit confused. No, thank you. When you asked me to dinner tonight I thought it was to discuss - The merger? Yes. Right, yes. And a possible promotion? Yes. Yes, that, too. And dinner is winding down and we haven't discussed anything even remotely relevant to - I've never seen you this flustered. You haven't even kissed me yet. Right, well, I like you, JJ, I do. I like you quite a bit. As a matter of fact, I think you would agree that a successful working relationship requires a great deal of... What exactly is our working relationship? Hi, Kate! Charlie. What are you doing here? We just thought we'd come by to say hi. JJ, right? (Might I have a word with you?) (Now?!) (In private.) (No!) Mr Margarine. Please join us. And where did you say it is? In Sussex. Near Ballmour? Yes. Built in the 18th century? Early 18th century. Really? Are you quite sure? Yes. He has got pictures. You were swindled. As of the late 19th century there's nothing but farmland. You're mistaken. That's not possible. It's quite possible that you are mistaken. No, it's not. (BOTH ARGUE) ..I know this cos I grew up there. It's irrelevant where you grew up. Do you enjoy opera? I do. Do you? Oh, yes. Keeps me alive. Do you have a favourite? La Boheme. I have seen it 12 times. That's how I learned to speak French. You speak French? Fluently. Ah. (SPEAKS FRENCH) What did he say? How sweet your face looks gently encircled by the soft moonlight. I like that. From the opening scene of Boheme. A stunning duet. Andre sings it to Mimi. Andre. (LAUGHS) I invited Kate to the Met. She has never been. Patrone is singing Andre. She turned me down. Can you explain that? Boheme's one of man's great achievements. It shouldn't be missed. But perhaps Kate resists on moral grounds. How so? Should we get the check? Some feel that to court a woman in one's employ is nothing more than a serpentine effort to transform a lady into a whore. Oh. This guy is charming, Kate. The Duke of Margarine thinks me a serpent. No, he doesn't. No, not a serpent. That's too grand a word. A braggart and a cad, who knows less French than I. If that's possible. By the way, there's no Andre in Boheme. It's Rudolfo. And though it takes place in France, it's rarely played in French, as it is written in Italian. Good night. Sorry. 1 Kate, might I have a word? Morning. Hi. You want some coffee? No, thanks. Do you want to read your paper? No, thank you. I want to go to work and try and clean up this mess you made. Sure you...? Kate? Kate! I just thought maybe you'd want a kiwi for the subway. That's a papaya. Oh. You're right. OK. ..80% found the product too soft to be... ..effective. This presents a conundrum for us marketeers. How do we maintain a soft feel on the exterior of the plastic wrap or pack while retaining the useful tensile strength in the sheets? 'Dearest Katherine. I behaved as an imbecile last night.' 'Animated in part by drink. In part of your beauty, and in part by my own foolish pride.' 'And for that I am profoundly sorry.' 'Please accept as a gesture of apology a private dinner on the rooftop tonight at 8 o'clock.' Where are we with Farmer's Bounty? Kate? Care to share with us? Farmer's Bounty. Where we are. Where we are is good. As you know, we found our spokesperson. The response room final showed a 96 in the top two boxes. His key female descriptors were,... handsome, romantic. With several write-ins of, 'What a hunk.' Great. Hold these. JJ. JJ, hi. I want to apologise again for what happened last night. There was no need for things to get that way. I appreciate that. So, everything's OK? Yes, Kate. 'I didn't jump. I fell.' There's a difference. Why did you fall down? Because there was no elevator. And you feel that was your fault? I am sorry. I can see you're a very busy man. And I am sure there are many people clamouring for your attention. But I am not one of them. So, if you don't mind, please unlock this door? I am concerned that you might be a danger to yourself. And in such cases, State law requires that I keep... Hello! Please open this door! Argh! Everything alright, Dr Geisler? Yes, Gretchen. Everything's fine. Stuart, I am going to prescribe something called Prolixin. It's a mild anti-psychotic. Nothing too strong. (MUTTERS) Tonight at 7:30. Please don't be late. I gotta talk to you. There is some shit here that cannot be said. Did you assemble a bouquet? Yeah, this one. You can't just tell a woman she's "gracefully serene". This won't do. Why? What is wrong with this one? The orange lily implies hatred. The begonia and lavender, danger and suspicion, respectively. Every flower has a meaning. Might I suggest amaryllis. Which declares the recipient a most splendid beauty. Or the cabbage rose. (SIGHS) Darci! Hmm? What is this? A reply to Leopold's invitation. You're going, right? I haven't decided. You haven't decided to have dinner with a duke? Who thinks he's from 1876! No! And I would appreciate if - I don't know what he did, but that is the best apology letter in the history of mankind! (PHONE RINGS) Sign it! It's 4:30. We'll fax it. Kate McKay's office. They hung up. Hi. Is Patrice there? > Hey, Patrice. Hi. It's me. Charlie. "Hey, Charlie." I was just calling to find out if you got my flowers, your flowers. I was calling to see if you got the flowers I sent you. "I did." I was wondering if you'd like to go to a movie tonight and maybe afterwards perhaps accompany me to dinner? I understand completely if you're otherwise engaged. But, er, I just wanted to say that... "Yeah?" I wanted to say that you've, er,... ..made an impression on me. And it's not just the way you look. Which are great. Your looks are top shelf. But, er... I don't know. It's, erm... "What?" You're graceful. The way you move and speak. Some people have a way with words. You do. The bottom line is, I like you. Patrice? "What about seven?" Seven? Seven would be heaven. OK. See you then. It worked! It worked! Who's going out with Patrice? Charlie is. Better go get ready. Better get changed. Shouldn't change too much, she likes me for who I am. Oh. Hey. You look fantastic. Yeah? Yeah. I got a date. I gotta go. Bye. Right. Kate? Yeah? Have a good time tonight. Bye. (VIOLIN MUSIC) My God! This is beautiful. The very word for which I was searching. May I? (ROMANTIC VIOLIN MUSIC) She was a real romantic, my mom. When Prince Charles and Lady Di got married she had a party. She made crumpets and jam. It was like Super Bowl party, but for Mom. She cried for a week. I don't know this story. You don't want to. It's a cautionary tale. Further proof. Of what? You can't live a fairy tale. I am not very good with men. Perhaps you haven't found the right one. Maybe. Or maybe that whole love thing is a grown-up version of Santa Claus. Just a myth we've been fed since childhood so we keep buying magazines and joining clubs and doing therapy and watching movies with hit pop songs played over love montages. All in this pathetic attempt to explain why our love-Santa keeps getting caught in the chimney. Otis always told me love is a leap. Lamentably, I was never inspired to jump. By my 30th birthday, I had, according to my uncle, become a blemish on the family name. So he brought me to this country with the proviso I marry an American. A girl with a good deal of... Charm? Money. Since my parents died, our family fortune had become depleted. I would be married now if I hadn't followed Stuart. I was to announce a bride that night. Who? I don't know. Someone. One of them. What are you doing? I am just cleaning up. Would you do me the honour of a dance? Please? (VIOLIN PLAYS) (GIGGLES) I am not much of a dancer. You are doing famously, then. (GIGGLES) Leopold, this was lovely. But I don't know if I can leap, even if I am inspired. People might think I am brave, but I am not. The brave are those with the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and notwithstanding go out to meet it. 1 (TICKS) (PINGS) Hey. Morning, Charles. How was your evening with Patrice? Good. Nice. How was yours? Good. Nice. (LAUGHS) I think it's time you tell me who you are. What do you mean? It's a blast doing the duke thing with you 24/7, but I don't want to see Kate go through Stuart - The Sequel. I know she seems pretty tough, but she hasn't had it that easy. She always gets stuck with people who don't hold up their end. Like me. I just - I understand. You do? Yes. So, who are you? I am the man who loves your sister. (CLINKING / CHATTERING) Shut the lid. Push the drawers in. Close the door. Push this button. Word to the wise. Don't press that till she wakes up. So she sees you doing it. How clever. The proverbial tree in the woods. If a man washes a dish, and no-one sees it,... (BOTH) did it happen? (DISHWASHER WHIRRS) A cup of coffee, my dear. Thank you. Breakfast? Nine-grain toast with strawberries and mascarpone, madam. It's apparently low in polyunsaturates. It's really good. It's good. What should we do today? Oh, no, no, no! Thank you. No. You know what makes me happy? You don't look good in those. They're so inappropriate for you. Kate! Kate, come! Leopold! Leopold! Hey. What are you doing? It boggles the mind that it is still here. This is my uncle's home. Was. This is where I lived. Good Lord. A portrait of my parents. And me. Leopold? I don't think that we should be barging around here like this. My old quarters. What are you doing? The place where I put everything I most cared for. Humph. Things I didn't want my uncle to touch. My mother's ring. It's beautiful. I live on an island connected to everything by bridges. And I never cross them. I've lived here for ten years and I've never been to the other side of anything. You have never travelled? No. Do you...? What? Do you miss where you're from? In a way. I miss... I miss its rhythm. It was slower? Quite a bit slower. Like today? Yes. # "Moon River" Do you hear that music? Yes. Have you ever seen the movie Breakfast At Tiffany's? No. (GIGGLES) Not yet. You see that guy down there with the light on? Uh-huh. He listens to the soundtrack of Breakfast At Tiffany's every night until exactly midnight. Then he turns his light off and goes to sleep. (CLOCK CHIMES) (GROANS) That means it's Sunday. I don't want it to be Sunday. I want more of this. More 1876. But you don't work on Sundays. We can have more. No, because Sunday is the day before the day I work. It gets poisoned. I see. Besides, tomorrow is the day we shoot your commercial. Kate? Hmm. Would you...? Might you ever... ..consider...? Hmm. It's time for bed. I am so relaxed. That's alright. (CONTENTED SIGH) You're tucking me in. Yes. You're my Otis. Yes, Your Grace. Hey. Don't go upstairs. Stay. I love you, Kate McKay. Scone, Your Grace? Thank you, Millard. And you brought the Farmer's Bounty? But of course. Ah. Fresh creamery butter. Is there anything more comforting? I say there is. And perhaps you'll agree when you sample fat-free Farmer's Bounty. With the genuine essence of creamery butter in every bite. With every mouthful of Farmer's Bounty you shall receive butter's luxurious comfort in your mouth without adding to the luxury of your waistline. (GIGGLES) Farmer's Bounty. Take a bite and smile. Cut! Alright. Check gate. Good enough for me. Excuse me. Is this an actual sample of Farmer's Bounty? Yeah. Why? This tastes like saddle soap. That's not really your concern. Not my concern?! This product tastes like raw suet. How is that not my concern? Hey, pal. It's a pay cheque. Wait a minute. This is an outrage! Don't worry about the taste. Come back! We need another shot. Leopold! Leopold! What's going on? What are you doing? They need you back in there. Do they? Yeah. They have to shoot the rest. They're not finished yet. I want no part of it. Why? Have you tasted it? Farmer's Bounty? Yes, Farmer's Bounty. Yeah, I have tasted it. It's revolting. I know. Yet you have no qualms enlisting me to endorse it? It's diet! It's supposed to be awful. What is the problem? I find myself peddling pond scum to an unsuspecting public. The stakes are very high for me here. You can't just quit because - I can. And so can you. When one finds oneself participating in endeavours entirely without merit, one withdraws. No. No. Sometimes you have to do things you don't like. Sometimes you have to suck it up and finish what you started You sound like my uncle. Look. Jansen Foods is an important account. If you don't go back in there, I get into a lot of trouble. Is this what you do at work? Research methods to deceive people? Refine lies till they resemble truth? It's no wonder you dread work. Oh, man! I don't have time for this. What has happened? You have every convenience, yet no integrity. No. What I don't have time for are pious speeches by 200-year-old men who have never had to work! You have no idea what I've done with my life. And you have no idea what I have done with mine! I haven't had all that many comforts and conveniences because I have been paying dues all of my life. And I am tired. I need a rest. If I have to peddle pond scum to get one, so be it! Very well! We're kidding ourselves. I don't even really know who you are. You still don't believe I am the man I say I am? We had a great weekend. That's that. Now it's Sunday. It's over. 1 # "Moon River" # There's such a lot of world # To see # '(RATTLING)' I know... (LAUGHS) I know it sounds crazy talking about finding a crack in time under the East River. (LAUGHS) But in point of fact, Gretchen,... it is no more crazy than, er, a dog finding a rainbow. Dogs are colour-blind. They don't see colour. Really? Just like we can't see time. We can feel it. We can feel it passing, but, er, we can't see it. It's just a blur. It's like we're riding in a supersonic train and the world is just blowing by. But imagine if we could stop that train, Gretchen. Huh? Imagine if we could stop that train, get out, look around, and see time for what it really is. A universe, a world, a thing as unimaginable as colour to a dog. And as real and tangible as that chair you're sitting in. If we could see it like that. I mean, really look at it. Then maybe we could see the flaws as well as the form. And that's it. (CHUCKLES) It's that simple. That's all I discovered. I'm just... ..a guy who saw a crack in a chair that no-one else could see. I am that dog who saw a rainbow. Only, er,... ..none of the other dogs believe me. I believe you. (BARKS) I can see that some things have happened since I went away. But... You have to go back. You understand you'll go back to the same day you left - April 28th? Yes. You understand you might repeat a few things. Might even see me. Just don't follow me this time, huh? Can I go in? JJ, you asked to see me? Come on in. I understand you, er, put out a fire at the shoot yesterday. Guess Mr Duke has got a bit of an ego on him, huh? Yeah. I am going to England this week. I made a decision. Uh-huh. You're gonna be the top New York honcho. This is gonna be your office. I will be making it official tonight. Thank you, JJ. Thank you. You earned it. I am heading over the Jansen to sign the buy-out papers. FTC stuff. I'll see you later at the thing. (What did he say?) I got it. Oh, my God! That's wonderful! Just give me one second. "Hi. You've reached Stuart. Please leave a message." Leopold? I don't know where you are, but if you're there please pick up. I got it. I got the job. I am the new Senior Vice President at CRG. "Please call me." "I am sorry about the way things came down yesterday. I apologise." "I just really need to see you." "I've this thing at Farmer's Bounty, but I'd love to see you later. "I miss you. I miss you." Hey. Stuart. How are you feeling? (PLAYS PIANO) Where's Leo? He went home. He was for real. He was for real! Holy shit! Look at this! Oh, my God! The Perrier Jouet should be chilled. You understand? Chilled. Leopold! Leopold! Where have you been? Otis, I demand explication! It's 5:30! He's not even dressed! He'll be ready, my Lord. I don't want him ready! I want him resplendent! Here's the invitation, your table number, your car number. And I've got Morty down there. Your phone sheet's here. And Stuart called. Have a great time tonight. You look beautiful. (BEEPS) I don't think this is right. I am supposed to go to 2640 Madison. That's where we are, Miss McKay. Have a nice evening. Hi. Invitation, please. (CHATTERING) They're still plugs, just randomly seeded with minoxidil. Excuse me. Sorry. Congratulations. Thank you. To hell with face-lifts. I am into mini-lifts. Just a bit each year. They're bringing back the 840 next year. Congratulations. Thanks. Hey, Kate. JJ. Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I'm glad they fixed 'em. I was gonna move office to the lobby. (LAUGH) Excuse me. Don't powder your nose too long. I have to give this speech soon. OK. I thought that I had pretzled fate and it had to be untwisted. But what I never considered is that the whole thing is a pretzel. A beautiful 4-D pretzel of kismetic inevitability. Get off Park and go up Madison. I was supposed to go back. He was supposed to come forward, then go back again. So was she. ..to take priests to the bell tower. You speak of progress and invention. But what I offer you downstairs is reality. Take a wife. Marry. Don't bother with this banter. Whom do you want me to marry? Who has the most money? That would be Miss Tree of the Trees of Schenectady. Good. Consider it done. Otis, fetch the ring. I will announce it at midnight. Invitation, please. Stuart Besser. We're not on your list, but his sister is Kate McKay. I can't just let you in. (SCREAMS) There was one thing I could do and it didn't require money, and it didn't require a fancy school. I learned I could please people. And there's nothing wrong with that! I am a people pleaser, people! (APPLAUSE) Kate! Stuart? Charlie! What are you doing?! Take a look at these pictures. No! It's time to introduce the woman who is gonna be holding down the fort, our own little rising start, Miss Kate McKay! I can't. They're introducing me. I am sorry I was a lousy boyfriend. I let you down. All you wanted was someone you could believe in. I can't talk right now. Please! Maybe we weren't such a waste of time after all. Maybe there's a reason for us. What?! Maybe I was supposed to help you find your guy - Leopold. You gotta go back, Kate. You gotta go back there. Go back? How? You have to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge within the next 23 minutes. Kate, just look at the pictures! OK? (VIOLIN MUSIC) Is there a Kate McKay in the house? Yeah! Here I am! Here she is. (APPLAUSE) Well, without further ado, the new Senior Vice President of our New York offices. Here she is, ladies and gentlemen, Kate McKay! Whoa! Are you OK? Yeah. Sorry. Thank you. Quite an entrance. Thank you, JJ. Thank you. Wow. Well, this is a great night. We here at CRG have always considered ourselves to be in the "find what people want business". At Jansen, you guys are in the "make what people want business". So imagine what we can do together. (APPLAUSE) We will be able to find out what people want and make it for them. So our customers will be able to get exactly... ..what they... ..they want. And, er, it's a great thing to... get what you want. Unless what you thought you wanted wasn't really what you wanted, because what you really... wanted... you couldn't imagine, or you didn't think it was possible. But what if someone came along who knew what you wanted without asking? They just knew that they could hear your heart beating or listen to your thoughts. What if they were sure of themselves and didn't have to take a poll? And they loved you. And you hesitated. And... I have to go. I'm, er, sorry, but I have to go. Kate? Stuart, can you tell me in short complete sentences with no words over two syllables, why exactly I am in these pictures? Probably not. Try! You were there. I wasn't! I would remember. Because you're going to be there. If we get there in time. These are pictures of the past. Not exactly. Theoretically speaking, if you go to the past in the future, your future is in the past. My photo is you in the future in the past. We have to make a run for it. Let's go. Come on! Come on! Let's go. Where the hell do you think you're going?! $6.80 on the meter! It's gonna close, Kate. Come on! (RINGS) Ladies and gentlemen, your attention. The Duke of Albany will be making a very important announcement in 20 minutes from this very stage. And I believe it shall be an announcement that will justify the playing of a bridal waltz. (CHATTERING) OK, this is the hard part. The girder. The girder? You have to cross the girder. That girder? Stuart, I can't cross that girder! You love him, right? What?! Leopold. You love him, right? Yeah. That's all you need to know. Go. You'll be fine. Kate. Charlie, how are you gonna...? Don't worry about me. (BELL CHIMES) Now, Kate. Now. The portal is gonna close. Alright. Go. Jesus! Oh, God! You can do it. Don't look down. Whoa. Shit! Charlie! I'll love you forever. Love you. It's OK. Lady, what are you doing? Step back, lady. It's OK. Come back, lady. Central, be advised. Breech post four. Jumper on the Southwest location of the bridge. Have a supervisor ESU and harbour response to this location forthwith. (BELL CHIMES / THUNDER RUMBLES) Ladies and gentlemen, it is with a glad heart and bright eye that I proudly introduce my beloved nephew, Leopold, Duke of Albany. Thank you, Uncle Millard. Thank you. Sorry, but this is a private affair. I need to get inside. I need to get inside - What's the problem? Are you Otis? Let us proceed. Please raise your glasses. so we may toast to my bride-to-be, whose welfare and happiness shall be my solemn duty to maintain. Excuse me. Oh! The future Duchess of Albany... ..Kate McKay. Of the the McKays of...? Massepequa. Massepequa. I love you. I love you. (VIOLIN MUSIC) (PINGS) # "Until" - Sting # If I caught the world in a bottle # And everything was still beneath the moon # Without your love would it shine for me? # If I was smart as Aristotle # And understood the rings around the moon # What would it all matter if you loved me? # Here in your arms # Where the world is impossibly still # With a million dreams to fulfil # And a matter of moments until the dancing ends # Here in your arms when everything seems to be clear # Not a solitary thing would I fear # Except when this moment comes near the dancing's end # If I caught the world in an hourglass # Saddled up the moon so we could ride # Until the stars grew dim # Until... # One day you'll meet a stranger # And all the noise is silenced in the room # You'll feel that you're close to some mystery # In the moonlight # And everything shatters # You feel as if you've known her all your life # The world's oldest lesson in history # Here in your arms where the world is impossibly still # With a million dreams to fulfil # And a matter of moments until the dancing ends # Here in your arms # When everything seems to be clear # Not a solitary thing do I fear # Except when this moment comes near the dancing's end # Oh, if I caught the world in an hourglass # Saddled up the moon and we would ride # Until the stars grew dim # Until the time # That time stands still # Until... # Captions by IMS Subtitles. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2017