1 PLAYFUL MUSIC Captions by Australian Caption Centre, copyright 1992. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2014 WOMAN LAUGHS EVILLY 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 OLD WOMAN: When your father was a boy living with me in Norway, I told him about witches so he'd always be aware. The most important thing to know about real witches is this... Listen very carefully. Real witches dress in ordinary clothes and look very much like ordinary women. They live in ordinary houses and they work in ordinary jobs. Every country in the world has witches and there is a leader - a High Witch of each country. And the ruler of all the witches is the most evil woman in creation - the Grand High Witch herself. SHUTTER BANGS Witches spend their time plotting to kill children - stalking the wretched child like a hunter stalks a bird in the forest. Did they hunt you? You said it was an accident. A very unpleasant accident. When I was younger, I searched the world for the Grand High Witch, but never found her. I don't believe anyone has ever found her. If no one's seen her, how are you sure she exists? Nobody's seen the devil. He exists. Yeah. For all you know, a witch might live next door. When I was little, I lived beside a girl called Erica who was taken by a witch. Erica had very strict parents, but that didn't save poor Erica. When a witch chooses a victim, there's only one hope of escape - knowing everything about them that I'm telling you. I'm warning you. Erica, come in. What makes her dangerous is that she doesn't LOOK dangerous. You can't tell if she's a witch or a kind lady. Ah, Erica. How do you like my new painting? Ravishing, Papa. Go to Larsens' and buy a litre of milk. Ja, Papa. Come straight home. Ja. Real witches hate children. Real witches are quite bald, although, of course, they wear wigs... ..that itch and cause them scalp rash. Know what scalp rash is? No. Itching under the wig - must drive them crazy. They look quite hideous behind their human face masks, and can only be distinguished from ordinary women if you can spot the purple tinge to their eyes. Real witches have no toes. Their feet have square ends - revolting stumps where the toes should be. So they never wear pointed or pretty shoes, just plain, sensible shoes. Remember these things. Perhaps if Erica had known them... CAT SCREECHES Oh, my poor Erica! For weeks they searched. But witches don't murder children with knives or guns. That's for people who get caught. And witches never get caught. They searched for miles around. Everyone in the town searched. But she had completely disappeared. I was there in Erica's house six weeks later. Good day, Frau Larsen. Come in, Helga. I was her best friend. Then, that day, while Erica's mother was pouring the coffee, her father came walking towards us. It was as if he'd seen a ghost. His face was twisted up as he walked towards the painting. There, as if it had always been there, was Erica - locked in the painting, gazing at us. You saw her in the painting, Grandma? Many times. The peculiar thing was little Erica kept changing her position in the picture. One day she'd be feeding the ducks and the next she'd be inside. Did you see her moving? Nobody did. She was always just a figure - motionless in the painting. As the years went by, Erica grew older too. And only five or six years ago, the old woman Erica had become - bent and frail in the painting - began to disappear... ..until one morning she was gone. You mean she died? Who knows? Mysterious things go on in the world of witches. Hey, it's almost 9 o'clock. Grandma's been telling me about witches. And frightening you before bed. Goodnight, darling. Everything alright, Mother? Very alright. Go off - enjoy yourselves. Goodbye, Mom. There you go. Goodnight, son. Goodnight, Dad. No more stories, OK? Oh, no. Goodnight. Come on - just one more story? Alright, then, one more. But very short. Witches are very cruel. And they have a highly-developed sense of smell. Witches could smell you across the street on a pitch-black night. I just had a shower. If you're clean, it's easier to smell you. That doesn't make sense. Yes, it does. A dirty child, she smells the dirt. A clean child, she smells the child. Wow! I'll never have a shower again. I'll use you for an excuse. Well, once a month is probably safe. A witch could smell me now? To me, you smell of raspberries and cream, but to a witch you'd smell disgusting. What kind of disgusting? Like dogs' droppings. I don't believe it. You don't believe it? To a witch you'd smell like FRESH dogs' droppings. That's not true. It's a fact of life. If you see a woman holding her nose as she passes, she could be a witch. Now it's definitely bedtime. Goodnight, Grandma. Mom? Dad? DOORBELL RINGS Frau Evescham. Could I come in? I have some bad news. Ja, come in. Wait here. (Helga sobs) Come here to me. Come on. Let's cuddle up here. Sit on my lap, alright? (CHANGES RADIO STATIONS) Shall we bring them to England? Yeah. We'll do that. I think they're very good. I really do. A talent I knew nothing about. Thanks. (CHANGES RADIO STATIONS) After the accident, I didn't take Luke back to America right away. We went to my house in England. He started at the school his parents had chosen before they... ..before they came to me on that vacation. I saw a woman yesterday with purple eyes. (SNIFFS) (MAKES DISGUSTED SOUND) Hello, young man. What a magnificent treehouse. Did you build it yourself? My dad and I did. I've got something for you here. Something I THINK you'll like. (GASPS) Jump down. No! What? No, thank you very much. It's very expensive. This is private property. Don't be frightened. I wanted to give you this. (GASPS) I found him. He's quite harmless. See? Little boys love snakes. Here - he's yours. Grandma! Grandma! Look, look, look! I'll leave him here for you. But they wriggle away quite quickly. Unless you tell them not to. GRANDMA!! Perhaps you'd like some chocolate instead? GRANDMA!! She can't hear you. What's your name? Is it...Luke? Oh! Thought so. Here you are, Luke. A big bar of chocolate. If you... Luke! Luke, it's dinner time. Luke! Luke, dinner time. Grandma, did you see her? Yes. I think she was a witch. Gloves, purple eyes... She hypnotised a snake. A real one? A real snake - yes! (LAUGHS) I swear! Yes, Luke. I believe you. (CACKLES) THUNDER RUMBLES Close your eyes - no cheating. To your chair... # Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you # Happy birthday, dear Luke. Happy birthday to you. # There! Oh, Grandma, they're great! I'll build them a circus. Teach them tricks and acrobatics. (GASPS) Must be neat being a mouse. Just playing and eating. (MOANS) I'll rig up a room with ramps... Grandma! Grandma! Grandma! Your granny has a mild case of diabetes. Rest now, and soon you'll be fine. You're going to be better. Good. I'm putting you on a sugar-free diet. Those cigars won't help you. See? With some pills and a seaside holiday, you'll be good as new. Leave your granny to get some rest. Make her some breakfast tomorrow. Tomorrow afternoon, you can boss her around again. Bye, Mrs Evescham. Bye-bye. See you in a few days. Goodbye, Doctor. How come doctors treat everyone like babies? I know. I'm sorry for spoiling your birthday for you and for frightening you. Can I play with William and Mary? Of course. Listen, Mary Mouse. When Grandma's better, we're going to the ocean. You've never been there. It's big. (Cackles) Wow! Look at the hotel, Grandma. It's not half bad. Welcome, madam. Thank you. It's a nice day. Yes. Can you manage? Yes. Luke, come on. Here we go. Welcome, Miss Ernst! Nicola Cutler. I've looked forward to this. You look marvellous! Pity I can't say the same. Ah, Miss Ernst. I'm the hotel owner. We're happy to have you. Delighted. Do I sign something? Oh, no... That's my secretary. Ah, ladies. Your keys. Ina Craig - Beckenham. Indeed. Julia Will - Dulwich. Where are you from? Dulwich. Ah, yes. Lois Ledoven - Southampton. Lois. (LAUGHS EXCITEDLY) I think you must live in there. That's right. That bag on the bed, please. I'll wash while you go exploring, then we'll have tea together and you'll show me around. Thank you. Thank you. Don't lock me out. I promise. Hmm. You look wonderful, Miss Ernst. We're looking forward to this afternoon! Hmm. Irvi! What are you doing? Oh! There are raisins all around these cakes. They're really good. Thanks. My name's Luke. Bruno Jenkins. The cucumber sandwiches are all right too, except when they use margarine. How much pocket money do you get? My Dad's rich but tight. We've got three cars. Hello, boys. I hope those have butter today. I do hate margarine. Oh, you've got those excellent cakes! There should be 14... MAID SHRIEKS LOUDLY Mr Stringer! Shh. What happened? They were in the bed. What? White and disgusting! Now...calm down. (SOBS) KNOCK AT DOOR Is this your room? Yes. Yes. Sorry, but I cannot permit mice in my hotel. Your rotten hotel is full of rats, anyway. Rats? There are no rats in this hotel. I saw one this morning - running into the kitchens. Madam, you only arrived this afternoon. Morning, afternoon - I saw a rat. If matters don't improve, I shall report you to the public health authorities. Look, I'm not prepared... The cakes in the lounge are nibbled. The health people could close the whole hotel before everyone gets typhoid fever. You can't be serious! I have never been more serious. Will you or will you not let my grandchild keep his hygienic and harmless pet mice? (STUTTERS) Well... ..if they are kept in the cage and only in this room. Agreed. Very well. Grandma, I can't train my mice if they're in a cage. Nibbled cakes indeed! It was a boy called Bruno. I'm teaching William and Mary to be tightrope walkers. I brought some of the circus I'm building. Good. Show me. Let's see. I'm planning a major house. Ramp placed here, a bathtub. This elevator's neat. You really did this yourself? I'm impressed. Of course you must train your mice, but not in here. If that hysterical maid comes back... Well, now it's teatime. I just love English hotel teas. Cream cakes and shortbread and... No, Grandma. No cream cakes. And no shortbread either. It's full of sugar. I'll end up eating like your mice. There's a queue for everything. How about two tea trolleys? Be too convenient for the guests. They'll want two ice-cubes in their whisky next. They'd do their own funerals. I know that woman from somewhere, but I can't remember where. Her face is so familiar. Which one? My memory's going. It's as if I've met her before. She's probably on TV or something. Mmm! Cucumber sandwiches. Mmm... Fish paste! Grandma, you got the wrong one. Oh, no. Sugar. Grandma, sugar can kill you. I know, but it was very little. Something very odd is going on. I demand you get some fresh air. We didn't come here to eat. Look at the lovely sunshine - the other boys are playing outside. You're just like your father. Good afternoon, madam. Here you are. Are you sure you're all right now? Yes, fine. What will you do now? Take William and Mary and explore this place. Just don't get into trouble. I won't. Come on. Excuse me, please. All right, that's fine. Carry on with the rest. No, in the kitchen. MICE SQUEAK Wait there. (GROANS) Great. Now do it again. Come on, come on. Your delegates should be comfortable here. Let me know if you need anything. Down the front! Drinks will be served on the terrace after you've... Fine. ..concluded your meeting. The skies are clearing, thankfully. Sit down. We've prepared a fine dinner. The chef's special soup... Hey, look at her eyes. ..vol-au-vents, then lamb and fresh vegetables. I'll leave you to it. Fine! Everybody sitting? Sit down! Not yet! We'd better get out. Come on, ladies. We want to start. Thanks for letting me stay. That's all right. I'll lock up. Oh, right. Good, let's begin. APPLAUSE You may remove your shoes. (SIGHS) You may remove your wigs. The doors! Are they locked and bolted? (JINGLES KEYS) Locked and bolted, Your Grandness. Good, help me. No, no. (GROANS) (COUGHS) Wow! Witches of England... ..you are a disgrace! Miserable witches! You are good-for-nothing worms! Everywhere I look... ..I see the repulsive sight of hundreds, thousands of revolting little children. I ask you... ..why? One child a week is no good to me. We'll do better. We'll do much better. (SCOFFS) Better is no good either! I demand maximum results! So...here are my orders! My orders are that every child in England shall be rubbed out - DESTROYED! Every single child eliminated! Oh! Do I make myself clear? (COUGHS) We can't wipe out all of them. Who spoke? Who dares to argue with me? It was you?! I didn't mean to argue. You dare to argue with me?! No, honestly. I just... A stupid witch who answers back must burn until her bones are black! No, no! A foolish witch without a brain... ..must sizzle in the fiery flame. A witch who dares to say I'm wrong, will not be with us very long! What the devil... I hope nobody else is going to make me cross today. ALL: No. So... Now, this is my plan. Each of you will go back to your homes and resign from your jobs. Give notice! Retire! You will then buy, with the money I give you, sweetshops, candy stores. The very best and most respectable sweetshops in England! (LAUGHS) (All shriek) Upstairs I have a trunk-load of this English money. So you can offer three, maybe four times, what these shops are worth. On a certain day, when all our plans are prepared, you will announce a great gala opening, with free sweets, candies and chocolates for every child. Poison sweets! We'll wipe them out like weasels. Who spoke? She did! It's brilliant. Poison. And you don't mind getting caught? Exposed? Vilified? I just thought... Bileless bumpkin! You blithering blah blah! No wonder England is swarming with... (RETCHES) (SIGHS) Everything you sell that day will have been treated with my very latest and very greatest magic formula. Witches work only with magic! (WHISPERS) Wait, come here. William and Mary. Formula 86 - my greatest triumph. A work of...genius. Formula 86! In this bottle, 500 doses. A delay mechanism prevents it from working until two hours after it has been taken. What does it do, Genius One? Yes, Your Greatness? ALL ENQUIRE ENTHUSIASTICALLY Tell us what it does. One dose and the time works to the second. But more than five doses breaks the delay barrier and the formula works instantly. The child... ..starts to shrink. ALL MURMUR (LAUGHS WICKEDLY) The child starts to grow fur... Fur? ..starts growing a tail! A tail! A tail! All this happens in precisely 25 seconds! Shrinking more! Child is no longer a child. (LAUGHS WICKEDLY) Child... ..is a mouse! ALL CHEER Silence, silence! Shut up! Shut up! Silence! Enough! This afternoon, at precisely 4:15, I put one dose of my formula on a bar of chocolate. I gave it to a repulsive, smelly boy who was in the lobby. 'Was that good?' I asked him. (ENGLISH ACCENT) 'Got any more?' A nauseating child. 'Six more bars like that one,' I told him. In two minutes time, this appalling, foul-smelling creature is coming to collect his reward. In five minutes time, you will see my magic formula in action. ALL SHRIEK Quickly - wigs, gloves. The appalling child will be here. You will see my miracle. Hurry up, hurry up. Come on, it's good. Hurry up, everybody. Come on. Quickly! You're not on holiday! I'm being as quick as I can. Hurry up! Ready. (WARMLY) Hello, little boy. Come on in, then. Come on, wait just there. Now, what's your name, then? Bruno. Ooh! Madam! Madam! That lady promised me six whole bars of cream-whip hazelnut milk chocolate. I've come to collect. Ladies, may I introduce Bruno. Come up, Bruno. I have the chocolate here. I said 6:15. That is in 15 seconds from now. ALL LAUGH You are in for a treat. We all are! What's going on? Just a few moments. Five, four, three... I can't see any chocolate. Tell me what's going on. ..two, one, zero! (GROANS) (BURPS) We have ignition! Everybody, it's fantastic! It's so wonderful. It's fantastic! (SQUEAKS) (BURPS) Where's he gone? Keys, keys. Enough! Silence! Come to my room in groups of 10. Room 208. You will receive a bottle containing 500 doses. Also plenty of money. Don't forget your nose plugs for dinner. The dining room will be full of smelly children. Now we will have drinks. (SNIFFS) Any questions? ALL ASK QUESTIONS What if a chocolate's accidentally eaten by a grown-up? (LAUGHS) That's too bad for the grown-up. The meeting is over! Until next year. Wait! Wait! Wait! (SNIFFS) I smell... ..dogs' droppings. ALL MURMUR Oh, the smell! She's right! Search out this small lump of dung! Find it! It must be exterminated immediately! There he is! Quickly! He's getting away! Come here, boy! Bring him to me! Ah! There he is! (LAUGHS) Stop him! (GROANS) BABY GURGLES He came this way. Oh! Bye-bye. (LAUGHS WICKEDLY) Oh, no! My baby! Please stop! No! My baby! Stop! No! My baby! Stop! (LAUGHS) A baby in a pram! (LAUGHS) (PANTS) Oh, no! (BREATHES HEAVILY) Grandma! Grandma, wake up! Oh, please, Grandma! My grandma! An old adversary, I have discovered. Very old. If you hurt my grandma... Silence! We've got him, madam. We've got him, madam. Don't bite! Open up. 500 doses! (LAUGHS) Come along, get up! Come on. WOMEN LAUGH GRAND HIGH WITCH CACKLES Look! This stinking little carbuncle has had 500 doses. We are having instantaneous action. (GASPS) Oh! ALL LAUGH 'Bye! ALL LAUGH Kill him! (LAUGHS) KILL HIM! Kill him! (HEARS WITCH LAUGHING) Leave him! He's not worth bothering about. Come! Some whisky and champagne to celebrate. Bruno! I don't believe it. I can talk! Bruno! Who's that? Bruno, it's me, Luke. Argh! I'm down here. Where? I can't see you. Down here. You can talk too. How weird! This icing's terrific. Are you OK? They promised me six chocolate bars. Mice don't eat chocolate. Don't be stupid, I'm not a... Just because you're a... That doesn't mean that I'm... Good Lord! Hmm! Hmm! At least the grub's good. How do we get out? When will we change back? We won't. Yes, we will! We've got to wake my grandma. I'm worried about her. It was the witch or her diabetes. She didn't wake up... She's got some peanuts too. Dry roasted? Mmm-hmm. Oh, all right. Come on. William and Mary! Hi, it's me, Luke. Are you alright? Crikey! Did they eat the chocolate as well? They were my pets. They can't talk. 'Bye, you two. MICE SQUEAK Hmm. Come on, Bruno. This way. Oh! Captions by Australian Caption Luke! Luke! Hmm. They're gone. It's all clear, Bruno. Argh! Wait for me! Running...running on a full stomach isn't good for you. It's better than being caught. Keep up, Bruno. Sports give me indigestion. (GASPS) Get back! OK, when I say go, go! Go! But...wait! Follow me! Oh! Ah! Eek! How can we get upstairs? What am I paying for? An overheated room... There's my dad. Shh! He doesn't know what's happened. He'll kill you. The photographer should be arrested for fraud. I'll tell him. No, not now. He'll stamp on you instantly. Oh. LIFT BELL DINGS It's nice without the kids. I smell food. Anything in this bag? Shh! They'll be fine. John's getting a cold. This always happens. We must relax. Oh, alright. BELL DINGS Let's go. No more sports! Hurry! Faster! Faster! Oh! Ouch! I forgot my tail. Keep to the side. Being like this might not be so bad. There won't be any school. That's all right. Don't eat the cheese. We've got two enemies - humans and cats. We've got three cats. They'll have to go. Mother's terrified of mice. Grandma! Grandma! DOOR OPENS Take tomorrow off. Let's go. What? Hey, wait! We haven't got all day. Hmm. Yes, sir. You do over there. No, I'll get this one. Shh! Back. Aah! It bit me! It bit me! What bit you? A mouse. A mouse?! A mouse?! Oh no! WOMAN CRIES Is she sober? Yes, I've been with her all afternoon... I mean, I saw her... Yes, she's sober. Grandma, Grandma! Huh? Here, by the phone. It's me, Luke. Are you all right? Luke? It's me, Grandma. Luke! The Grand High Witch is here. Oh, my God! Don't cry, Grandma. Things could have been worse. I got away from them. Oh, my darling Luke. What have they done? Made me a mouse. I'm sorry, I can't stop shaking. The Grand High Witch... here? There are hundreds of them. I could see it in her eyes. Oh Lord! Oh, you squashed me! Huh? Grandma, this is Bruno Jenkins. I'm sorry. He said you'd got peanuts. Yes. Oh, yes. Oh, good. Thanks. We must stop them, Grandma. They have a formula to change every kid in England into a mouse. We MUST stop them! Miss Ernst. Lois. Nice to see international clientele. How do you do? Just flew in? What?! Jetlag's a curse. May I join you? You're most welcome, sir. Herbert Jenkins. I thought I'd greet a fellow philanthropist. You collect stamps? Charities. This RSPCC. What is RSP...? Cruelty to children. Oh, of course. You give money for the... ..children. And we also give money for the little... I see that you're holding your annual meeting. I addressed our Rotary Club's last annual meeting. You know about the Rotary Club? I'll put the formula in their food. Just get me to the Grand High Witch's room. I don't know. I've got to find the formula. No. It's too dangerous. Grandma! It's not far down. It's dangerous. You can't take on the Grand High Witch. We've got to. No one will believe us. Quick, before she comes back. Luke. Luke, be careful. Please be careful. I'll be careful. Not so fast! Be careful! I will. I will. (GASPS) Oh no! CAT SNARLS Grandma! Luke, what happened? Are you all right? Why don't you answer? Oh! Down, cat. No, cat! Grandma, help! Oh no! CAT SNARLS Down, cat! No, cat. Luke! Grandma! Puss, shoo! Shoo! Help! Get him away. Help, Grandma! (SNARLS) Grandma! Help, Grandma, help! Puss! Grandma, come on. Do something! Get it, cat! Cat! Cat! Puss, come here. Whoa! Oh, Grandma! Keep him there. Come on, little kitten. Come on, pussy. Keep him busy. (SNARLS) Here, take it. Come on, take it, you silly cat. Keep him outside. Puss, puss! Here, here! Whoa! Hang on, tail. Phew! Oh. Come on, formula. Where are you? Oh no! Whoa! (GASPS) Oh no! It has been unforgettable. My pleasure, madam. The conversation's been stimulating. It's rare to meet someone of such quality and... compassion. Whoa! PHONE RINGS It must be up here. It must be! CAT SNARLS Whoa! OW! Hey! We've got it, Grandma. CAT SNARLS OUTSIDE WOMAN: Did you realise that was Bruno's father? It was an act of mercy. Uh-oh. The child won't grow up like him. Oh, thanks! Liebchen! Pssh! Liebchen! Lipshon! Liebchen! Liebchen. Was ist das? I'm sorry, I dropped my knitting. You! I'm... knitting something for my grandson. Have you seen him? No, no. Come, liebchen. I'm dreadfully sorry. I do apologise. It's quite all right. If I see your grandson, I will... ..make him a mouse. I'll deal with you later. Liebchen! MEOWS 208. I hope we're not the first. Miss Ernst! Who is this? You invited them after drinks. Oh, all right, let them in. Come in. You were wonderful... We really enjoyed... Oh, you bad cat, liebchen. When will they implement it? January, I suppose. She's very pleasant. But what's she like to work with? Ow! Phew! Argh! Grandma! Grandma! I've got the formula. Oh, thank God! I was so worried. This little bottle contains 500 doses. We can change all the witches. Where's Bruno? There are some good grapes here. What's happening? Nothing until dinner time. We must return you to your parents. What's the time? 7pm. They'll be in the bar having sherry and malt whisky. It gives you an appetite. Really? Come on. Into my handbag, both of you. This will be difficult. Oh, I'm full. Let's get to the kitchen. That tickles! Is that them? Listen, maybe we ought to... Shh! (MUFFLED) Listen... Don't drown it. Sorry. Look what you've done! She was drowning it! Mr and Mrs Jenkins? What can we do for you? I'd like a word about your son. Sit down, please. Please. Well. What's the little tyke been doing? Raiding the kitchen? If we could go somewhere more private? Private? It is rather a... personal matter. Look, Mrs whatever. If Bruno has broken something I'll pay for it, but we're not moving. Where is Bruno? Tell him to come here. He is here already. What? In my handbag. Your son has suffered a mishap. He has been drastically altered. What do you mean, altered? I'm trying to tell you gently. My grandson saw them doing it to him. Who, doing what? Saw the witches turn him into a mouse. Are you crackers? Get the manager to throw this nutcase out. You need a funny farm. Tell them, Bruno. AAH! A mouse! Shh! Get her away! It IS Bruno. Tell them, Bruno. Get out of here! Tell them, Bruno! Bruno! It's me... Out! Before I call the police. They didn't recognise me. Push off! Never come back, you old witch! I did my best. Don't worry, dear. I'm just turning down your bed. How's the room service? Diabolical. Good. About that woman upstairs... The elevator's out of order. Is it? It's five courses. Good, I'm hungry. Mmm! Hmm. Ooh. (GIGGLES) I'd like to go home. Why are you here? The banquet. Go to your room... Hello! ..and prepare for tomorrow's flight. Yes. It's our banquet! You're here as my staff, not for enjoyment. To your room, now. Ladies. ALL APPLAUD I quit. Come on with those potatoes. Where's the sauce? I can't do it. Let's run away. If we don't try, the parents in England will lose their kids. I know. We must do it. Now, 8:15pm exactly. I'll remember. I'm so terrified. Grandma, now! No, no, madam. The dining room's that way. Sorry. The guests are not permitted, madam. I am sorry, but... One moment. How's the cress soup for the children's charity group? A soup. Very good, but no more salt. No more? Hmm. Oh, oh, oh... (SIGHS WITH RELIEF) (GASPS) They're everywhere! Table 5 says the veal's too tough. I'll fix this personally. FLIES BUZZ Chef, chef! The RSPCC party ALL want soup. That's 87 for watercress. Debbie, bring the soup tureen! He'll adore it. The magic touch. Whoa, oh, oh.... I'll just check the soup before it's served. Whoa, oh... (SIGHS WITH RELIEF) She's eating the soup. I'll see you later then. We're short-staffed tonight. I may be a little late. I can wait. What is it? (SQUEALS LIKE A MOUSE) Now! Mouse! Ow! ALL SCREAM Oh! It's in my underpants! It's running around my underpants! For goodness sake! Get it out! Get it out! Somebody help! Get your trousers off, you idiot! Give me that. Somebody get it out before it bites me! Phew! I'd better leave. Somebody get it out! Oh! There's nothing much there. A lot of fuss about nothing. It's gone. (SQUEAKS LIKE A MOUSE) Oi... Yes? What soup is that? That's cress soup, sir. If they're having it, so will I. That's specially made for their party. The soup on the menu is cock-a-leekie. Very nice it is too. I don't want cock-a-leekie. I don't like cock-a-leekie. I like cress. Tell the chef de cuisine there's another order for cress. Now there's a laddie. (SQUEALS) (THINKS) Who's that then? Don't touch it! It's in the soup! Don't touch the soup. Ugh, child! Good. (THINKS) Nearly 8:15. Dear me. No, no, madam, please. Just a moment. 8:15! I made it. One more... One more cress soup, table 9. LUKE PANTS Hi, Bruno. Lovely, isn't it? Red. Yes, red. (THINKS) Didn't want to be one of them anyway. I'll bring your main course. Well? I put it in the soup. The whole bottle? Every drop. You angel. Ah! You're bleeding! A cook tried to cut off my tail. The Grand High Witch is eating the soup! They all are! Like another roll, sir? No, thanks. (MUMBLES) I'd like... I'd like some black pepper, please. Ah, my God! What? Bruno's father is about to eat the soup too. Stop him! Quick! (MUMBLES) ...It's a nightmare. At least we got some cress soup. Don't touch it! She's a loony! An absolute nutter! That's my bloody soup! All that stuff about Bruno. Bruno has been turned into... He has not been turned into a... Yes, I have. Hello, Dad. Don't worry, Dad. It isn't all bad. So long as the cat doesn't get me. Ugh. No more school. No more homework. I'll live in the kitchen cupboard. Of course it's not real. It's that whisky. Hello, Mum. Like to know who did this to Bruno? ALL SCREAM AND SQUEAL It's working! Give me that spoon! That woman over there. She is the Grand High Witch. She needs more time to become a... She did it to Bruno. And thousands of other children before him. Good evening. You are doomed, old woman. You are doomed forever! It must work, Grandma. Oh, you... (SCREAMS) Bruno! This is it, Bruno. (SQUAWKS) (SNARLS) Come on, get the mice. Most evil and appalling woman in the world. Loathsome, hideous, disgrace! Yeah, Grandma. I'm not finished with you yet, old woman. Next time... No. No 'next time'. This time, it's your turn. Do something. That's it, got it. Get that one. No, the other one! Look, Grandma, it's her. Ah! Get away from me! Don't let her get away. Get away! Let me out of here! Mr Stringer. There's an especially infectious one over there. Under the water jug. Thank you, ma'am. Oh, it's a pleasure! I tell you, get away from me! Get away! Get away from me! (SCREAMS) Ugh. Mum's not very crazy about mice. So I see. Here is Bruno. Oh, thank you. He needs to diet. Hi, Dad. Hi, Mum. Stop it, dear. This is our Bruno. Don't cry. You'll get used to me. Just a minute, Grandma. Bye, Bruno. Bye. Excuse me. Mum, you always wanted me to lose weight. Well, look at me now. There... But I still don't understand. I won't be long. Your taxi. Goodbye. Thank you. CAR HORNS BEEP Let it down, Bill. You all right? Yeah. Can you manage? Yep. Mrs Evescham? Yes. There's a trunk for you. A trunk? Will you sign for it? All right. Come in. TOY TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS Great! It's arrived. Don't open it yet. Wait for me. Put it down there. All right. That's it. There. Here I come. Thank you. Thank you. I've no idea who it's from. This will really surprise you. OK, open it, Grandma. What is it? Open it. Ah, money! Luke! It was in the Grand Witch's room. We'll use it to go to America. America? Yes. We must go home, because... Look! It's the Grand High Witch's. There's names and addresses of every witch in America. Luke! You are a genius. (LAUGHS) # It doesn't matter who you are and what you are # As long as somebody loves you. # Oh, Luke, what a day! Perhaps we'll find a good witch to turn you back into my grandson. I'll never drive a real car. I don't know... How long do mice live? Hope there's time to challenge those American witches. Can we go to New York? WHISTLE TOOTS Can we travel there by ship? First class. The best cabin. The best of everything. Goodnight, Grandma. Goodnight, Luke. I really am happy to be a mouse, you know. I know, my darling. (LAUGHS) Grandma! Grandma, what's happening? Luke! (GROANS) (LAUGHS) Luke! Off you go, back home to Luke. Look, Grandma. They're back! Don't forget Bruno! CHEERFUL MUSIC