Tonight on Sunday, a port in a storm. Whose port? Whose port? ALL: Our port. Whose port? ALL: Our port. I have settled every collective in 40 years. This is the only one I can't. Why? Whose port? Whose port? ALL: Our port. Standoff on the Auckland waterfront. PEOPLE CHANT ...you're union-busting. Are you union-busting? Claim and counter-claim. He works 28 or 26 hours per week and gets paid 40. What to believe and who to believe? I am sure everybody would like a job like that. Union... Union... ALL: ...power! Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar. Life in hell itself. This is a bad place here. Assad's assault on dissent in Syria. PEOPLE CHANT The gigastar from Moonee Ponds. PEOPLE CHEER PEOPLE CHEER Hello, possums. Barry Humphries with Sir Les Patterson and Dame Edna ` take one. Barry Humphries with Sir Les Patterson and Dame Edna ` take one. CLACK! The one man triple-header. There's not a lot of love lost between us, I am sorry to say. Because she was hoity-toity and, in my view, probably a lesbian. Captions by TVNZ Captioning. Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright TVNZ Access Services 2012 Kia ora, I'm Miriama Kamo. Love 'em or loathe 'em, everyone has an opinion on the Auckland wharfies dispute. Are they overpaid and underworked or is the company union-busting? Well, they may be back to work this week, but the wounds are deep and the dispute unsettled. It's left deep divisions between those who went on strike and those who copped abuse for working on. Ian Sinclair has been with families on both sides of the industrial divide. The question remains ` how did the port get into this mess? MAN: Whose port? MAN: Whose port? ALL: Our port. MAN: Whose port? MAN: Whose port? ALL: Our port. It's set workmate against workmate,... ALL: Our port. ALL: Our port. MAN: Whose port? ALL: Our port. MAN: Whose port? ALL: Our port. They can't bargain in good faith if they're illegally locking everybody out. ...family against family. Do you know what? Like, this is our life at stake. The company pays your wages and your mortgage, and, uh, it's a good company. I have settled every collective in 40 years I've ever been trying to do. This is the only one I can't. And why? MAN: They're all up there in the nest. They're in the nest watching you right now. Have you got a message for them? I've spent 110 hours in mediation and negotiation. It comes a point in time when change is needed. This is a dispute that can hit ratepayers where they hate it most ` in the pocket. So far, an estimated 37 million down the drain. You've had an absolutely massive victory. You've had an absolutely massive victory. APPLAUSE By the cheering on Friday, you'd think the union had won, but all they've won is the right to work. The fight is far from over. So what's this battle for Auckland's wharves all about? Well, it depends on who you listen to. The port company says it's all about efficiency. They want the stevedores contracted out to outside companies, working flexible hours, so they're only here when they're needed. Get the outside skin off and we'll chop it. But to wharfie Shaun Thornton and his wife, Leah, flexible hours mean working to the whim of the port. Nobody wants to sit on the end of a phone and just wait to be called in at any time of the day or night. And that's what they're offering us. This father of four has worked on the port for 20 years. I am a machinery operator, really. I drive straddles and I drive cranes for the port. The straddles are the yellow things that you see unloading trucks and dropping containers under the crane. It's where he met his wife, Leah. Shaun was the leading hand, and I was the office girl. It's a bit of a cliche, really. Have you done your teeth? Have you done your teeth? Yeeeeesss! Have you done your teeth? Yeeeeesss! Prove it. Shaun felt he needed to strike for the sake of his family. So what is this dispute all about, Shaun? > It's about having a shift pattern or a roster where the guys can have time off for their families, and know that they're going to be home at certain times. Brush your teeth. The problem? They fear the company will want him continuously on-call. You couldn't plan to have a night out with me at the movies for my birthday cos you might be working. They worry that loss of routine will make it difficult for Shaun to help with the children. They've all had severe reflux, and so the complications. Amy has asthma. Max had tonsillitis so bad that he developed a penicillin allergy. This for a couple that found having a family in the first place was tough enough. I have an immune condition, which means that I'm susceptible to miscarriages. Um, so I've had nine miscarriages. It's been a hard road to get there, and we want to keep the family, really. We know exactly how precious our children are. They're worried that the proposals you've got will have them waiting by the phone. Is that true? That's never been our proposal. Port CEO Tony Gibson. You have a range of shifts between five and 12 hours, so if you wanted to see your children play cricket or netball on a Saturday afternoon, you could do a five-hour shift in the morning and then make it up with a 12-hour shift on a Sunday, so we would never, ever want our workforce sitting at home waiting for two hours for a call. That's not our style. That's not what a good employer does. They said that they asked you for a roster, show them a roster, put it in their award, if that's what you want, and that you wouldn't do that. We've shown them a roster, and that roster is exactly as I've just explained it. But as to whether or not it should be hard-coded in a collective agreement, no. < Why not? That's what they are negotiating. Well, at the end of the day, we have customers who require changes, and sometimes those changes are required quickly. Whose port? Whose port? ALL: Our port. So the union says that uncertainty remains over when and how long they'll have to work. And the argument is far from over. Still, the ports maintain that the stevedores are on a pretty good wicket. The average wage ` 91,000 a year, according to an Ernst & Young audit. There's a perception you're overpaid and underworked. Is that true? > Uh, if you talk to the guys down there, no. I mean, we're on $27, $26 an hour, which is just above the average wage, which is a good wage, but it's for 24/7, seven days a week. The guys who do the night shift get a bit of extra money for that. And it's a hard, dangerous job. The story put out was that the stevedores earn an average of 91,000 a year. Is that true? No. In all the time that I've been there, I've never earned $91,000. In all the time that I've been there, I've never earned $91,000. It would be nice. If there's been a mistake with Shaun's pay, we'll happily take the back pay. (LAUGHS) It would come in really handy right now. What do you bring home, then, Shaun? > I think, uh, last` Well, this year, I think I'd be on about $76,000, but that is with eight to 16 hours' overtime a week. Do you get paid extra for that overtime? We get paid a flat rate for the overtime. The only time we get time and a half is on a public holiday. So who, then, is getting the 91,000? They said the average got 91,000. Uh. Yeah, the highest person on the waterfront gets $27 an hour. You multiply that by 40 and 52, and you'll see he's on around 60,000. Some people do get 90,000. I won't deny that, but they take their beds to the waterfront. They do what they call back-to-backs. They do eight hours driving a crane, a forklift. Then they do lashing. They're long, long days ` 16 hours. They don't get that money for eight hours a day. They just do not. So it's misinformation. Misinformation? Well, the port company is sticking to its guns. They earn $91,480 on average. They get paid for 40 hours, and they earn 26 hours. That's been audited. So you're saying` How does that compute? Because they say they're on $27 an hour. Well, it's as simple as this. They work eight-hour shifts, and if a shift, um, needs to be extended and a ship needs to be finished, and they only work two hours, they don't just get paid two hours, they get paid eight hours. Now, I'm sure everybody would like a job like that. The union response? That rarely happens because they normally end up working most of the shift. I'm not saying the figure is incorrect what some people are getting. What I'm saying is they're putting in 16-hour days to get it. Anyway, the union says they offered to get rid of that deal months ago so they'd be paid only for the overtime worked. Next up, let's hear from a family that crossed the picket line. < What did they say? 'You're a scab. You're a piece of shit. Rua, you wait. You're going to get it.' And what's the port's real plan? < Are you union-busting? < Are you union-busting? Absolutely not. TENSE MUSIC Back at the port, wharfies at work. He may be a traitor in the eyes of the union, but Mike Rua has decided to carry on despite the strike. Jake, you on channel? So has his dad, Jake, high above in the crane. Coming back, Mike. Though they've paid a price for crossing the picket line. People slapping the car, people screaming at you. That's, like, intimidation. What do they say? 'You're a scab, you're a piece of shit, Rua. You're gonna get it.' All that stuff. They can be empty threats, but you never know. Some of them could be angry enough to do something silly. Jake has been at the port for six years. Shuttle one to control. Mike for a bit more than a year. At 19, Mike says he's on $91,000. For me, the company are paying my bills. You know, they pay me my wage and I'm thrilled with it, so that's why I decided to stay and work for the company. My loyalty is to the people who pay me. And they treat us really well. Dad says he earns even more, but their message ` you have to do much more than a 40-hour week for it. I've comfortably exceeded that every year. Um, that's from putting my hand up to do overtime and chasing the shifts somewhat, but that's` that's my gain. Jake says he was in the union till 18 months ago. A couple of times in the meeting, I stood up and put my hand up and I had a` almost a query or, um, a difference of opinion, um, and immediately, immediately it was an attack back at me as a person and my personality. CARS TOOT Then, he says, he got the cold shoulder. He even accuses Shaun, the unionist we interviewed, of freezing him out. How do you get on with him? How do you get on with him? Not very well at all. Um, I mean he's what I would suggest is a pretty staunch union supporter. When you say you don't get on very well, what do you mean by that? Well, um, he's not allowed to talk to me, and if I try to talk to him, then he will ignore me. Is Vegemite OK for you? Shaun doesn't deny it, but he says it's because he doesn't think Jake understands the pressure families with young children are under. At the end of the day, everyone's got a... (SIGHS) a decision to make and my decision was I couldn't live with the contract that they were offering. If these guys can, then all power to them. Now the union's concerned about working unpredictable hours. Shaun said he doesn't want to be waiting by the phone all the time with four kids. Look, if I'm sick or unavailable, then you communicate. That's all it is. And it's a point of respect to each other. What would lead you to be so confident that you won't be waiting by the phone? Look, if it got to that stage and it didn't work with my lifestyle, then, you know, I'd find another job. What's the big deal? As long as 10 days ago, union hopes were high for a settlement. They've learned the Employment Court has denied the company its bid to sack workers. It's day 26 of the stoppage, and the Thorntons are hoping the judge's direction to get back to bargaining will bring peace. I think the guys in the union want to get back to work, and I think there is definitely room for compromise ` on both sides, I think. Inside, the mood is buoyant. The PPTA Northern Region just donated another thousand dollars. APPLAUSE The message ` staunch. I also want to welcome Len Gale. He was a cartoonist and an activist in the 1951 waterfront dispute. He's sitting over there. CHEERS, APPLAUSE To the union, the ghost of '51 is back. ARCHIVE: Prime Minister Holland was making no secret of his intention to smash the Waterside Workers' Union once and for all. 60 years on, the union believes its very survival is once again on the line. But the port company has another card up its sleeve. Though the judge has ordered them back into mediation, the company has locked them out. From the look of it, we thought we were gonna be going back to work. The strike was gonna be lifted and we'll get back to work, but we've been, by the sound of it, illegally locked out. PEOPLE CHANT As the week rolls by, the battle lines would move from street-side to courtroom. And later, the judge would rule there was a seriously arguable case the Ports broke the law. From the Maritime Union's point of view and my point of view, we're doing the best we can, but... You laid them off; you've locked them out. How is that doing the best you can? Well, I think first of all that we've had 13 strike notices. Um, yes, we have locked the union out, but what I would say is that we have, in good faith, kept talking to the union, despite the fact that they have been on strike. This is as close to union-busting as I've seen in NZ for a long time. Professor Nigel Haworth of Auckland University Business School believes the law is mostly on the union's side. What do we want? What do we want? ALL CHANT Since the announcement of the lockout by the Ports, which, to me, was so out on a limb, it seems to me that there is a strong element in the port management strategy to dispense with the union presence in the Ports of Auckland. But as an employer, you're free to negotiate with whomever you choose, aren't you? If you have an extant collective employment agreement, which there has been for many many years in the ports, you are bound by the legislative framework that's in place, where you are expected to bargain, you are expected to bargain in good faith, you're expected to consult properly. All these things are required in law. So was this battle with the union premeditated? Well, according to this document, the company had the option of getting rid of the staff costed out well before the dispute began. We got it from the union, who say they obtained it from the company. According to the document, fully contracting out would cost between $7 million and $9 million in redundancy money. That paper is irrelevant. In what way is it irrelevant? It was in detail. It's one person's paper, who no longer works here, and the strategic plan which was signed off by the management team and the board very clearly demonstrates that our strategic path is having a collective agreement with the union. Everything in that strategy paper, everything ` to remove the union, to use all the millions of the public's money, to do it all, has now come to fruition, cos that's exactly what they've done. The concern of the critics has been that you're union-busting. Are you union-busting? Absolutely not. Meanwhile, a month without pay has taken its toll on the union families. Come on, boys. Rattle your dags. Oh, thank you. These are people, like us, in your community and you don't have to agree with the politics to realise that it's hard for families. From the far side of the picket line comes a message to Shaun the unionist from Jake the anti-unionist. Think of your family and, uh, don't be, uh, don't be swayed by the union. That's why he's probably struggling financially at the moment, that's why they're having to get food and other people for supplying them with different bits and pieces to keep them all afloat. Yet by Friday, it was the union that seemed to hold the cards. And finally, comrades, you're going back to reclaim your work in your port. ALL CHEER Under legal pressure, the company had agreed to lift the lockout. CHILDREN GIGGLE But Shaun's family knows the future is far from secure. I think we're back where we started, which is at the negotiating table trying to get a good collective for everyone. This isn't over until we get a collective agreement signed. So to be continued. Hello, mister. Hello, mister. (LAUGHS) Watch this space. Well, the wharfies got paid two days ago, the first time in a month, and should be back at work by Friday. But the roster issue festers on. Later on Sunday, Les Patterson on Julia Gillard. She's very lucky to have found a man who's a hairdresser ` and this is the interesting thing, God love her ` the only hairdresser in Australia who isn't a poof. It's a great watch. But next... BOOM! BOOM! Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar. BOOM! MAN SCREAMS Tonight, inside the Syrian regime's bloodiest assault on its own people. It has shocked the world. President Bashar al-Assad's brutal and bloody assault on his own people. The city of Homs is the hotbed of resistance to the president's police state. Inside the city, the rebels are calling for democracy and freedom. President Assad calls them activists and terrorists and launched indiscriminate bombing and shelling of the city to crush the rebellion. Homs has been closed off to the outside world, but the BBC's Paul Wood has been sneaking into the rebel-held part of the city through secret tunnels and discovers they are living in hell. BOOM! BOOM! Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar. The shelling is relentless,... MAN SCREAMS indiscriminate. Artillery against residential areas. Allahu Akbar. We head towards the city. We're told it's impossible to get in. The government's army is attacking from the Christian Shi'ite and Alawite areas. The rebel Free Army has fallen back to the Sunni enclave of Baba Amr. It's surrounded. But the rebels have a lifeline ` a tunnel right under the front lines. We slip through the outer cordon around Homs. This was the uprising's best kept secret ` the only way in or out of Baba Amr. We ran into a metal shed, and there was a gaping hole, and six inches of mud. And we climbed down these rungs about 20ft into pitch blackness. (LAUGHS) 'What the hell is going on here?' It's a watercourse, 2 miles long, less than 5ft high. I'm ahead with Fred Scott filming behind. We try to run. We don't want to be here if a Syrian patrol starts dropping grenades down. Above ground, we emerge into a ghost town. It already seems very different from the last time we were here. The streets are empty. Everyone's waiting for the next round of shelling to begin. GUNFIRE BOOM! Shells come in every few seconds. It's not a battle. Baba Amr has no heavy weapons. BOOM! SHELLS EXPLODE The shelling's been going on here all morning now, and what you hear over and over again from the people, is that they feel abandoned by the outside world. GENTLE MUSIC We take cover in a house. A family is sheltering too. But the houses here have thin walls, no basements. There's barely any protection. WOMAN SPEAKS ARABIC TRANSLATOR: The children are so afraid. They follow me around the house. I say, 'Don't worry. Everything will be OK. God will take revenge for us.' The makeshift clinics are overwhelmed. There are no supplies and few doctors. I won't show the face. I won't show the face. People come here because they're afraid of arrest at a state hospital. Even here, many hide their faces, terrified the regime will hunt them down. Still, one man wants to tell the world 11 members of his family have died, five of them children. MAN SPEAKS ARABIC TRANSLATOR: They were under 13 years of age. They were killed at the same time by cluster bomb. We couldn't tell one piece of them from another when we came to bury them. People here had hoped the UN would protect them, but that morning, Russia and China vetoed a resolution to help. MAN SPEAKS IN ARABIC They're angry at their Arab neighbours too. 'Why aren't they helping?' The people here are afraid the regime believes it has a free hand to do whatever it wants. WOMEN SCREAM Undoubtedly, most of the victims are civilians ` many are children. Wrapped in the shroud is a 7-year-old girl, killed in the shelling. The attendant carefully writes her name ` Hanadi. He's done this for four members of his own family too. Hanadi must be buried at night. Daytime is too dangerous. Even now, even here, they are attacked. GUNFIRE There's no family, no prayers, and little dignity. OMINOUS MUSIC By now, tanks were at the edges of Baba Amr, and it seemed they were about to come in. We were able to escape, but a small group of journalists comes in after us. Like us, they stay in the media centre. It's really just an apartment used by activists, but it has a generator, internet and hot water. The activists believe it's only the media coverage that is restraining the regime. What is killing this regime is the media. This is the strongest weapon we've got right now in Homs ` is getting the news out. If we weren't getting the news out, how's the world going to know what's going on inside of Syria? Among the journalists of the house, Marie Colvin, one of the best and bravest foreign correspondents of her generation. This was her last report. I watched a little baby die today. Absolutely horrific. Just a 2-year-old. Been hit. They stripped it and found the shrapnel had gone into the left chest. And the doctor just said, 'I can't do anything.' And his little tummy just kept heaving until he died. That is happening over and over and over. WOMAN CRIES IN ARABIC After a number of near misses, a devastating volley finds the media centre. BOOM! Marie's photographer was injured in the blast. We realised the house had taken a direct hit. At that point, obviously, adrenalin's high. I, stupidly enough, was looking for my camera at the time, thinking the attack was over, and I would get a few shots of the chaos in the house, when the shell hit. The impact reduced the building to rubble. Marie Colvin and a French photographer, Remi Ochlik, were killed instantly. GUNSHOT Did the regime deliberately target them? The attack certainly removed the last independent witnesses just as the army closed in. Such a hard watch, but such an important story. Next, a chilling message for President Assad. A month after leaving Baba Amr, a suburb of Homs, reporter Paul Wood slips back into the city to investigate the bloody aftermath of Syria's ongoing civil war. He discovers Assad's tanks and bombs do not discriminate. The security forces entered Baba Amr only after the rebel fighters, the Free Army, withdrew. This was state TV's version of events. Syrian TV camera toured areas in Baba Amro and recorded the huge devastation caused by the armed terrorist groups who committed horrific crimes against civilians there. The people of Baba Amr, getting drinking water from snow, might not agree with that. But they told me time and again they felt betrayed by the Free Army. Baba Amr's Free Army is divided. Some wanted to stay. Others said leaving was the only way to stop the shelling and save the civilians. MAN SPEAKS ARABIC TRANSLATOR: It took 25 days for the Syrian Army, with all its might, to capture just one neighbourhood of Homs. We will always be proud of this. We will hold our heads high because of it until the day we die. But there are other questions about the rebels. This shocking video shows Syrian Army prisoners captured in December. The rebels told me they executed all of them, saying they were guilty of war crimes. This will worry Western governments as they debate arming the rebels. In the wake of the Free Army's retreat, Baba Amr was emptying. We met just a small part of the exodus. These people have been sneaking out of Homs to the orchards, not through any official checkpoints. We are told several thousand have made it out in exactly the same way. One of them addresses President Assad directly. This group walked for three days to avoid the soldiers. They're terrified of what government forces are doing now they're back in control. MAN SPEAKS ARABIC TRANSLATOR: Whoever they catch at a checkpoint is dead. Dead! TRANSLATOR: They took our boys and men. They took the boys from the houses and the men at the checkpoints. Everywhere we go, we meet groups of women and children without men. The Ibrahim family tell me they witnessed a massacre. Dozens of men and boys were seized, they say, killed in the streets; four of their own family, including a 12-year-old boy. MAN SPEAKS ARABIC TRANSLATOR: They laid them all on the ground. The soldiers were pinning them down with their boots, while four of them were cutting their throats. They did this with the knives. Their hands were tied behind their backs like this. Then they started slaughtering them. WOMAN SPEAKS ARABIC TRANSLATOR: There was a raid. My father went to open the door. I said to him, 'Run away.' He told me, 'But I haven't done anything.' And he opened the door, and they took him; my uncle, my brother, my cousin too. Can such horror stories be true? We can't know for certain yet. But pictures emerged of bodies apparently in the place the family describe. The regime denies it's responsible for war crimes, blaming the rebels. President Assad insists he's all that stands in the way of all-out civil war. He's refusing to stand down; refusing to negotiate. But has the uprising really been crushed? We'd rather live under missiles, under bullet fire, and be free. We will never go back to the way we used to live. Never. Baba Amr paid dearly for its defiance. What was done here was intended, perhaps, as a warning to the rest of the country. As 7-year-old Hanadi is buried, has the regime really won a lasting victory? That depends on whether international outrage hardens into action. For now, the outside world remains paralysed ` a spectator as Syria collapses into civil war. This week, Assad made a surprise visit to Baba Amr. Standing amid the rubble, he said he had no choice but to use force against the rebels. Well, now a change of mood. A welcome one, I dare say. Next, Dame Edna and her mood swings. He denied me my award! (ROARS) Dame Edna, please! Take it off him, Ed. Give it to him. Dame Edna, please. Dame Edna, please. Come on. (COUGHS) Give it to him. You need to know these new rules. This is rule change number two. When you're turning right from the bottom of a T-intersection with no signs or signals, you must now give way to right-turning vehicles at the top of the T. Think ` Let's see that again. Top of the T goes before me. The way it moves, the way it cleans, the way it makes you feel. Everything about an Oral B Power brush is simply revolutionary. Our dentist-inspired brush head cleans in three directions, surrounding each tooth to power away twice as much plaque as a regular manual brush for a dentist-clean feeling every day. Oral B Power brushes. Get that dentist-clean feeling. He's the fat, farting, belching, dribbling, cultural attache Sir Les Patterson. She's the Moonee Ponds housewife-cum-diva and gigastar Dame Edna Everage. And alongside, creator Barry Humphries. Now, they've never actually been interviewed all together until tonight. Just a warning, this is politically incorrect, inappropriate for children, mildly offensive and very funny. PEOPLE CHEER, CEREMONIAL MUSIC CROWD SCREAMS CROWD SCREAMS Hello, possums. They're back for the last time. Beautiful. For more than 50 years,... Hello, girls. ...these three stars of Australian comedy have thrilled audiences worldwide. Barry Humphries on Sunday Night with Sir Les Patterson and Dame Edna take one. CLACK! This is, indeed, an auspicious occasion, because it's the first time ever, a world exclusive, for the three of you to be together in an interview. Hello, boys. We're only together in this programme because we were tricked into it. Welcome to Sunday night. It's a delight to meet you. Please, have a seat on the end here. Well, I must admit, I'm a little bit peeved. I thought this was going to be a one-to-one interview, Ross. And I see we have company. Dame Edna, I'm afraid you're a little jealous. So, Dame Edna, Barry, of course, has enjoyed operating as your manager for, gosh, 50 years plus now. < He's done very well. Are you happy for him? Oh, yes, I am. I'm a very happy woman, and I just wish a lot of other untalented people had reaped the rewards that he has. APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Good evening. I would like to introduce to you a very close friend of mine, Mrs Norm Everage, a housewife from 36 Humoresque St, Moonee Ponds. LAUGHTER Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs Norm Everage. Dame Edna, of course, arrived on the scene in, I think, 1956. Excuse I! Excuse I! LAUGHTER I understand the early Dame, or the early Edna, is very different, quite meek compared to the very assertive Dame Edna we have today. Painfully shy... and, uh, inarticulate, if I may say so. We could be meeting our next exciting guest. She's glamorous, she's glitzy and she's from Hungary, she's gorgeous Zsa Zsa Gabor! APPLAUSE, WHISTLING GLAMOROUS ENTRANCE MUSIC (SCREAMS) LAUGHTER You can sit down. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please. I had to abort her. I... I think she'll be all right. I think she'll be all right. Is she going to be all right? I think she'll be all right. Is she going to be all right? She was wearing a natural fur, and, I'm sorry, I'm a conservationist. She's not coming on to my show. The Dame Edna we meet today is somewhat more assertive than the shy housewife from Moonee Ponds. WESTERN MUSIC (GRUNTS) Hello, girls. How's your day been so far? All right? Got a knock-back. Very unusual. And, of course, Sir Les is just about to join us, and we'll cross to him now backstage. The pressure's good, Kimmy, but you can give it a bit more. Lower down, darling. Mr Les want harder? Mr Les want harder? Harder. (LAUGHS) Harder, darling. Ooh. (GRUNTS) A bit lower, a bit lower. (CHUCKLES) Am I feeling good with little Kim a gift from the wonderful city of Manila. (CHUCKLES) A gift to the Australian diplomatic corps. (GROANS) So, Les, the other question I wanted to ask you was how do you handle being a friend of celebrities? Well, what celebrities have you in mind? I know there's quite a few celebrities. Joan Collins is a personal friend of mine. She's a beautiful girl too. She likes perfume too. You wouldn't guess what she puts behind her ears to attract the menfolk. Her ankles. Her ankles. (SPLUTTERS) Well, it's a quarter to 7. Well, it's a quarter to 7. LAUGHTER You with me? You with me? LAUGHTER You're ahead of me, fella. You're ahead of me, fella. LAUGHTER Is this a dry run or is this going straight to air? Pleased to meet you. Pleased to meet you. You too, pal. If you have a sit next to Barry here. Oh. (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS, WHEEZES) Dame Edna, have you ever done an interview before with Barry and Sir Les? No, and I feel I was tricked into this, frankly. There's not a lot of love lost between us, I'm sorry to say. Barry and I used to be very good friends, and we still are civil, I hope, Barry, with each other. But Les Patterson is another story. You know, when he was a student at Xavier College in Melbourne, he took me on a blind date. I don't know what I said to her or did to her that I haven't done to a thousand other young women. And she took exception because she was hoity-toity and, in my view, probably a lesbian. < (LAUGHS, COUGHS) < (LAUGHS, COUGHS) Because that's what I call women who reject my dignified advances. I just had the good taste to drop you, and I haven't seen you much again till today. They do share some views on Australian life, however. Listen,... (SIGHS) Julia Gillard, bless her heart, God love that woman, is a 10-quid Pom. I've been giving her elocution lessons, but it's a losing battle, I'm afraid. She's` She's very lucky to have found a man who's a hairdresser ` and this is the interesting thing, God love her ` the only hairdresser in Australia who isn't a poof. She also had a rough time, though, earlier on this year, when the Tent Embassy became an issue of controversy. (LAUGHS) I was having lunch in Canberra in a restaurant called The Lodge. And suddenly, I was aware of a kerfuffle` a kerfuffle outside. And I looked out, and I saw a lot of people waving the Aboriginal flag. Uh, a couple of them were even Aboriginals. And poor old Julia, she was hoping to embrace these people and say, 'I'm sorry again,' you know? And what happens? And what happens? And what happened ` she took flight and she lost her shoe, and I ran out. I happened to be the man on the spot. And this is it. This is... (CHUCKLES) Julia Gillard's shoe. ALL LAUGH Just a minute. (SNIFFS EROTICALLY) The smell of fear. Have you seen this, Bazza? < Not up to your standards, Dame Edna? Hmm. < What do you think? < What do you think? Well, she certainly knows how to save money. (LAUGHS) CLUNK! How do you sum up Barry Humphries' extraordinary and varied talents? Quite simply, he's one of the funniest, most talented and revered artists Australia has produced. A truly worthy recipient of the 2012 Australian of the Year in the UK Award ` Barry Humphries. < When you heard that Barry had been appointed or honoured < with the Australian of the Year Award in London, were you happy for him? Listen, it was a very minor thing. The Australian of the Year in UK? Well, I thought I was going to be Australian of the Year, and then I learned that it was slightly more limited. It was Australian of the Year UK. And presumably, there are Australians of the Year all over the world. You know, you could be Australian of the Year Mozambique. (SCOFFS) (SCOFFS) So, Dame Edna, I can perhaps tell you that backstage, and I hope Barry doesn't mind me telling you this, he told me that, in fact, the award was to go to you, but he felt that after 50 years in the business, he deserved some acknowledgement. Oh, did he? You mean he stabbed me in the back? < I... It's your call. < I... It's your call. He denied me my award! (ROARS) (YELLS) (YELLS) < Dame Edna, please! Take if off him, Ed. Give it to him. Dame Edna, please. Dame Edna, please. Come on. (MUMBLES) Jesus. Give it to him. I'm sorry. What came over me? I'm having mood swings. I am having quite serious mood swings. My patch is peeling off. My patch is peeling off. (WHEEZES) It takes some intense negotiation to convince the warring parties to resume their seats. They're here to make a stunning announcement. This, we hear, is to be your final tour. It is. It's the farewell tour, and it's very much in the tradition of the great Australian diva Dame Nellie Melba. I'm not leaving the stage. You'll never drag me off the stage. But to do these productions, I couldn't keep it up. I've got so many international obligations. I have the Prostate Olympics coming up. That was my own idea. And I'm doing a lot of work for my pet charity now, the Deviated Septum. And, Ross, this wonderful show, which is going to be my... my farewell show... to the people of Australia, is about my spiritual journey. It's not called Eat, Pray, Laugh for nothing. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) And I guarantee it'll be the best show I've ever done. < Dame Edna, thank you so much. < Dame Edna, thank you so much. Thank you, Ross! Well, why don't we have lunch? Dame Edna and Sir Les will be at Auckland's Civic Theatre for four shows from Saturday August 11. Well, kua mutu te mahi naianei. We'll see you next week. Meanwhile, Facebook us at Sunday TVNZ. Thanks for your company. Ma te wa.