TAPE REWINDS MARKER PEN SQUEAKS If you've been driving around the Wellington region over the last week and not wearing one of these... Golf, golf, golf, golf, golf. PUPPET LAUGHS MANIACALLY You've been told that she was a 14-year-old girl, weren't you? It had all the secrecy and subterfuge of a drug deal. You first have to know a bit about Sam Flipp. Mate, do you feel good when you sleep at night? Just tell me where to put the ball. Oh my God. When I've got one like that, I'll be happy. There's a future in the circus for you yet. You reckon? (CHUCKLES) Due to the live nature of Close Up, captions for some items may be incomplete. ONE News captions by Finn Scott-Kelly and Virginia Philp. Close Up captions by John Ling and Desney Shaw. Yes, we're doing things a bit different tonight and for good reason. It's our last show ` my last show. But no time for tears. We're celebrating. Others are celebrating with us. Thank you for all the cards and letters and emails. Even the competition sent their best and a bottle of wine. Thanks, John and your crew. We're looking back tonight to the stories that have moved us in one way or another. It's impossible to include every one, but here's a taste. GUNSHOT It's a place to get away from the women. This is probably at the extreme end of the bloke's shed. If we package man caves up in NZ like they send out kitset Irish bars around the world, we'd run the Paddies out of business. The dog keeps me warm at night. It's quite good. Better than the wife. Predict in the next five years, we will be ruling the nation. CHEERING, APPLAUSE Jesus says at the end of the day he will rule the earth. Will Bishop Brian Tamaki be his mouthpiece? Whatever he once said, I want to be a part of it. We have won $1m! To fully appreciate how special this win is, you first have to know a bit about Sam Flipp. It's called Friedreich's ataxia, and it's a deterioration of the nervous system. When that $1m turned up in Sam's bank account, McDonalds breakfast came first. Then came the bed. It vibrates, and both the head and the bottom of the bed move up and down. How much did this cost you? Four grand. Four grand. Worth every penny? What is the outcome that you're seeking? > Equality. Peace. A world with equality. Joining a movement which began on Wall Street as a stand against big banks. TV ONE has an agenda. Which is? Portraying this camp in a poor light. His reason ` we've turned up on a gloomy day when the campsite isn't looking flash. I believe that the capitalists are responsible for paying a large proportion of your wages. When the heavens open, Tiaho Primary is not a fun place to be. This school has gone past its use-by date. When it floods, we have sewage coming out of here. What are the loos like? Yucky and smelly. Kids have to walk through here on pallets of wood. It's good to see the fire is still in the belly. Not so long ago Hone Harawira would've been boots and all in the middle of this. He nods his consent as the Prime Minister is forced to leave. He got the message. The message is ` 'Don't think you can ignore the Treaty when you try and flog off the family silver.' Say to the grandkids, 'Well, your grandad built that.' What he's helped build ` many of the bridges... 13. 13 bridges? Yeah. And we got three to go. ...on the country's newest cycleway. You good for this? I'm good for this. I'll have to be. It's about 60 years since I've ridden a bike. You'll have to go home and tell Mum you've ridden a bike. (CHUCKLES GLEEFULLY) The nonsense of it all. Has rugby really become our surrogate religion? SHEEP BLEATS Religious symbols runneth over the Rugby World Cup. We read Rugby Heaven. More evidence ` a portrait of Jesus as an All Black. And look at this. A painting of Richie McCaw as a kind of naked, religious, Renaissance icon. I think NZers in a way are praying to the All Blacks. Oh, it's hot! It's hot, hot! Dirty... It takes about a week of holiday to get clean. ...hard work. Someone's got to keep the lady of the lake steaming. HORN TOOTS She's one of the last surviving passenger steamships in the world. Do you talk to them? Yes, but it's hard to have a conversation with a chicken. You talked something naked. I understood that word. I didn't use the word 'naked'! Yeah, you used it. Sometimes it's not what you say but how you say it. < Kelly, did you catch the AB's at the weekend, bro? I'm not sure what you're talking about. (CHUCKLES) Our jobs as communicators are to bring you the stories and the people, and some of those people have been simply inspiring. THE WAR IS STUPID. My skin grows quicker than yours. Every two to three days, you're getting a new layer of skin? Yep. You know a-a sponge, if you leave it out for too long, it goes hard? Just like me. Like, trying to move that sponge, it, like, cracks. Your leg will be amputated? Chop it off. < And you'll rid yourself of some of the pain. Mm. Very happy. Very happy, actually. I have courage on my hand. Just to remind me to keep going. Step by painful step, Brian Coker's come a long way. When I was brought in on the 22nd of February, they debated whether to resus me or not. Rehabilitation is practically a full-time job, but one Brian's doing on top of his 9-to-5 role as a financial adviser. The more time I can spend practising on them, the quicker I'm sort of going to get, you know, to the end point. < You obviously thought he was going to kill you? I honestly thought he was going to kill me. He punched and kicked her in the house and then dragged her out of the house by her hair. But Bridget survived to tell her story and to send her partner to jail. I want him to learn that he can't touch me like that any more. 11-year-old Brittany and 7-year-old Emily both have forms of dwarfism. < How often would you skype each other? Five times a week. I don't know. Brittany has a type of short-trunk dwarfism. She enters a room and, I don't know, these smiles come on to people's faces. Emily is 3ft tall and has club feet, a dilated aorta and a collapsed lung. Some people stare and, um, say, 'Your boot is on the wrong way around.' If you could say something to people who are staring like that, what would you say? (CHUCKLES) Bugger off. Academic achievement in any field. TAPE FAST-FOWARDS And the major award for dux and St Paul's Scholar 2010. Making John Palavi one of St Paul College's all time great scholars. Our man also a member of the Junior Warriors rugby league team that won the Toyota Club Premiership. Become a surgeon. That's my long-term goal. I just want to be an example to students, especially at my school, that we can make it. Little whimpers coming from people and that, you know? Just, 'Help me, help me.' And we had to remove deceased people sometimes to get to a live person. After 36 years as a firefighter and 10 years on the local search and rescue team, for Keith, seeing this still comes as a shock. Just want to help your fellow human being, eh? It could be my family in there, eh? # Swing, swing, swing, swing. I'm the boss. You're the boss. # Swing, slide it on. # Like, golf, golf, golf, golf, golf. Lydia Ko makes golf practice look fun. Last month, she became the youngest player ever to win a professional tournament, and she's now ranked as the top female amateur in the world. I wouldn't mind having the cheque, you know, but, um, I guess that's life. More big events, more invitations, kicking the pants off world, you know, top-100 players. February 22 2011 ` Christchurch's CTV building. They said, 'Tom, we have to cut your leg off. There's no other way out of here.' So I thought, probably, that parcel is going to be a lot cleaner. Now he has a new leg. He's walking. He's driving. He has one thing he wants to say to the people who saved his life. I'd say, just, thank you. Why did you choose her? > V-E. Very safe. C-U. Very cute. It's an extraordinary internet love story. Two people leaving 19,000 K's from each other and world's apart. It's Nick the person, not Nick the disability, you know? I would like to be with Nick. I cannot express how unbelievably happy... T-H... that will... M... make me. Well, it's probably a good thing I'm heading off. The building is coming apart around my ears. THINK OF BERLIN WALL FELL THEY GOT RID OF STATUES OF STALIN THINK WHEN BAGHDAD FELL WE WILL MISS YOU We never know sometimes how stories are going to sit with you, the viewers, and inevitably there are fair doses of outrage and shock at what you see or hear. You'll see something later that shocked me 22 years ago, and this is the first time it sees the light of day, but this year we started with something that impressed the Television Award judges but shocked the country ` predators preying on teenage girls. It was one of many stories that made you and us sit up. MAN: There he is. He's right there. I'm not talking. Please, I'm not talking. We have very clear records of what you said to her. Yeah, I can get my` 'Will you let me <BLEEP> you?' Well, what a bombshell. You were told that she was a 14-year-old girl, weren't you? 8.36 on Saturday night at the Grey Lynn RSC club. This is last photo taken of James Webster alive. It had all the secrecy and subterfuge of a drug deal. the 17-year-old bought a bottle of Jagermeister and a bottle of vodka ` rocket fuel for an inexperienced drinker like James. Mate, do you feel good when you sleep at night? Is this meat inspected? We're sitting on a time bomb. That time bomb is horse meat. Meat processed at this Tuakau pet food abattoir ` a place we discovered illegally sells horse meat by the carload to Tongans for human consumption. Is this meat inspected? (KISSES) Good on ya, mate. Good on ya, mate. Until now, Chronic's been sold nationwide, and the minister's refused to get rid of it. You said the government was not going to ban Chronic, so what's changed? The evidence has come forward showing it contains an illegal substance. It's just like smoking marijuana, I suppose. A little more intense. Your landlords have a right to know why you won't pay your rent. Could you just give us a clear answer why you won't pay it? Guess she doesn't want to tell us. Or did she? It's not up to you, OK, to <BLEEP>ing get in my face. Now you're <BLEEP>ing lucking you've got someone here right now, so get the <BLEEP> out. We weren't expecting a welcome mat, but we also weren't expecting this ` chunks of timber aimed directly at us. He just told us to go away and die. It's a dispute over a block of land. Jehan from TV ONE's Close Up programme. 'Speak English, not Indian?' What's the problem with`? I'm not Indian, but what's the problem with speaking Indian? Great, isn't it? How much do you owe these people? Do you know? Do you even care? I despise her at the moment. I really do. She owes Bryon and Jenny Twist $35,000. And she borrowed money from cattery owner Cassie Ford three times. Bishop Marcelo. What does this church have to hide? We've got nothing to hide. There was instruments with body tissue that were discovered. Hi, ladies. ALL SCREAM Just another Saturday night in our biggest city. Were you drinking before you came? > ALL: Yeah, of course! Go, K Road! Mainly young and mainly drunk. What's the aim tonight? > Uh, get drunk. To get wasted. Legless in the zoo the Queen city becomes after dark. Is this what a policeman should be doing on a Saturday night? It's par for the course on a Saturday night, yeah. What has made Close Up work is we can do anything. So from shock and awe to the stories that made us laugh, the quirkier side of this fantastic country. A high priority is looking flash. JAZZY MUSIC Just tell me where to put the balls. (CHUCKLES) Hot! I can't talk. CROWD: Ohh... < Would you say it's enjoyable watching this? Not any more. (CHUCKLES) It's the roughest, toughest, dirtiest course in Auckland. Can anybody do this? Absolutely. If you can do it, mate, anybody can do it. I mean, let's get real. Oh! Auckland! The French have arrived... ALL CHEER ...and en masse. Ooh. (CHUCKLES) Can you fit? Th-That's the problem. BOTH CHUCKLE Patrick, you're a big man. See you later. BOTH CHUCKLE Meet... Itsy and Bitsy. Bigger is better, isn't it? DONKEY NEIGHS Has she got any thoughts about me? Said you're a very complex person. Mm. Complex? Quite interesting that the donkey thinks I'm complex and not a pain in the ass. BOTH CHUCKLE DONKEY NEIGHS They just think you get behind these fenced-off sections, and they don't know what goes on. What's going on behind the trees? Nothing, and it's really disappointing. BOTH CHUCKLE Oh my God. When I've got one like that, I'll be happy! BOTH CHUCKLE It's a family` It's a family show! (CHUCKLES) What will my friends think of me now? MACHINE CLANGS Ooh! (CHUCKLES) Well, that's just for old people. Old people and townies. Don't leave me on the horse! JAZZY MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES LAUGHTER (GROANS IN FRUSTRATION) WHIMPERS: Why isn't it going in my mouth? Do it in my ear, and I'll do it in yours. If you don't want it to be shown on fil` on the TV, do that. Don't film me. < Just stick to the one, Ali. JAZZY MUSIC Cricket! Are you a horse? No, I'm a dog. CHUCKLES: No, no, no, no. It could be that you are a horse. DONKEY NEIGHS Happy memories there, and I've remembered a few more as I've been packing up my office this week. 31 YEARS AND ALL HE HAS IS A SQUEAKY CHICKEN HOW MUCH CAN WE GET FOR THIS ON TRADEME? Well, for this final segment of the final Close Up, we have moved the big guy aside as we celebrate Mark's 31 years in your living room, invited or uninvited. There have, of course, been many highlights and more than a few trips round the world, but through it all, there has been one constant ` the throughly decent human being that is Mark Sainsbury. In short, he is a bloody good bloke, and all of us here at Close Up salute and will miss said bloody good bloke. # Don't look back. # I want to remember you just like this. # Let's just kiss and say goodbye. # CIRCUS MUSIC Oh! (GIGGLES) There's a future in the circus for you yet. You reckon? JAMES BOND THEME If you've been driving around the Wellington region over the last week and not wearing one of these... JAMES BOND THEME CONTINUES I think what they're impressed with is your style is 'more gas will fix everything'. Just as five years ago South Africa becoming a democracy seemed impossible, the impossible has happened again. Here on the eve of the election, the Inkatha Freedom Party having their final rally. I want to say to Mr Sainsbury of TV ONE, I'll talk to you soon, Mark, but when you couldn't even remember us in your introduction tonight, you've got a bit of apologising to do. There's an expectation, isn't there, that if you're gonna be prime minister, you've got to do those hanging out with the All Blacks or the yachties, the blokish things, I suppose. Do you have to do that sort of stuff? In general, my rule is to only go to things I enjoy going to. It really was the most amazing sensation. And despite the risk, he took his chance to briefly land in the Khumbu. And so here were at 14,000ft, and I have to say I'm getting a bit breathless here, but for Sir Ed, this is where he wanted to be. The godfather. We'll be able to bring you the first results hopefully live from here at Tel Aviv at midday tomorrow. Buckingham Palace will be one of the focal points of this unprecedented display of public grieving. And the message from George Bush that he is there to protect them is an extremely powerful one. Now, there's something I've been dying to ask you. What's that? So what kind of pressure should I be running these on? Psi? I think 36. Do you know anything about tyres? Yes, I do. I know that they're black and round. (SPEAKS LOCAL LANGUAGE) What's he saying? He want to... Oh, his penis? Urgh, I'm not gonna watch that. The other thing that's obvious is you love kids. Tits? Did you really say that? Kids, I said. Children. Oh, kids! I thought you said tits. Ooh! All the girls are in shock. You wouldn't mind taking a bucket up to Auckland, would you? Thank you. Could someone else take a bucket of water to Auckland? Oh, look. Thanks, mate. These poor Aucklanders. Many Floridians will be feeling relief today despite this devastation. They know things could've been much, much worse. Minus-6 down here at the moment, so it's pretty nippy when we went out for our run about half and hour ago. It took the edge off a bit. No regrets? No, no. It's actually all happened as well as one could hope for. This is the delicate area of the Ks' peacekeeping activities. We're in no-man's land. Where's that bloody screw` that thingy? We'll have to do it again. Oh! (LAUGHS) I'm the most athletic one on the programme, as we well know. The Christmas cake can't come quick enough. Look, look. Have a look at this. Look at this. Look at this. Compare the pair of us. Oh, you've got to try the pies. But they do anticipate` Bugger. But they do anticipate... (SIGHS) But they do anticipate... They do anticipate supply problems until ablo` What am I doing? Trophy for Best News or Current Affairs Presenter goes to... Mark Sainsbury for Close Up. FUNKY MUSIC I'm not sure if I'm more excited about winning this because Paul has to give it to me... LAUGHTER ...and you know he's hating it. LAUGHTER CONTINUES Before I go, can I pay tribute to my old mate, Paul Holmes, who started it all. Paul, you're a broadcasting genius, and we're all thinking of you. And to Susan Wood who was here before me ` another stellar broadcaster. Well, what can I say? It has been a wonderful time at Close Up and all the other incarnations I've had here. It's been wonderful working with this talented bunch of people, and I've had so much luck in that regard all the way through. Anyone who believes they can do it all themselves is dreaming, and the other wonderful people are, of course, you watching. What we do is pointless without you, and at times, you might want to strangle us or scream at us or both, but I hope we brought you something. Something to think about; to laugh about; to argue about. And I also want to thank my wife, Ramona. Journalists don't always make good husbands because the work always gets in the way, and all of us here ` our families, our loved ones ` made sacrifices for what we do. So I salute them all. And my mates over here, I'll miss you all. UNBELIEVABLY TALENTED PEOPLE. YOU WILL SEE MORE OF THEM So, for the last time, that was NZ Close Up. Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air.