Tonight on 20/20 ` Mental illness affects one in four Kiwis. All you can think about is how better the world would be without you in it. We talk to top sportspeople. I'd written my family a note. (BREATHES HEAVILY) Sorry. We talk to famous people... I am a` o-one of the one-in-four, thank you. ...and to everyday NZers living with mental illness and teaching others to live with hope. I do everything that I would normally and just do it anxiously, rather than not do it at all. Captions by TVNZ Captioning Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright TVNZ Access Services 2013 Kia ora. I'm Sonya Wilson. Mental health ` it's a big issue in this country ` huge. In fact, one Health Ministry survey reports that 16% of us Kiwis have been diagnosed with either depression, anxiety or bipolar. That's more than half a million of us. Now, the most common disorder of that group ` depression. You might think that if anyone could be less at risk of depression, it would be, say, a professional sportsman. After all, they're fit; they're healthy; many have fame, fortune, the world at their feet. But just how big of an issue is mental illness here in the elite levels of sports-mad NZ? Well, it's massive apparently. Tonight, one of the tough guys opens up. You'll also hear from others involved in our highest profile sports ` sports where admitting to any kind of weakness is traditionally a no-no ` to ask, is enough actually being done to help? Fantastic result. Elation. Elation. Look at the emotion on the face. CROWD CHEERS Not wanting to be here, basically. Finding it pretty tough... just` just being alive. Fantastic result. Fantastic result. Just unbelievable. You're empty, and that's when you know you've hit rock bottom, when you're completely and utterly empty. Two voices from the darkness that is depression. He's the man. And guess what. One was an international cricketer, the other an All Black. Does that surprise you? Cos these guys are living the dream, aren't they? A dream has come true. I'm Derren Witcombe. I've played 24 games for Northland, 30 for Auckland,... Derren Witcombe scores. ...53 for the Blues... This is a try for Witcombe. ...and five test matches for the All Blacks. All Blacks only 10m away. Depression very nearly took everything from Derren Witcombe, including his life. Can you tell what the surf's doing from here? Yeah, you can normally see, um, the lines coming in. He's never told his very personal story before, but he's speaking out tonight because he believes too many blokes just like him are suffering in silence. It's sort of like you're` you're someone one day and someone else the next. Strange. Not wanting to get out of bed, uh, just not liking who you are. Like, I'm feeling pretty worthless, to be`to be fair. Yet here you are a professsional rugby player, an All Black, even. If anyone should be happy with their life, it's you, right? Yeah, definately. A-And at times... (CLEARS THROAT) At times, I felt like I was ungrateful. (BREATHES HEAVILY) Sorry. Cos, um, there's lots and lots of people out there who want to be wh` be where people like, uh` have the opportunity of where I'd been. I guess that was a big trigger for me to actually` feeling that I was ungrateful, that even made it worse. It doesn't discriminate, though, the old black dog, does it? It doesn't discriminate, though, the old black dog, does it? No, it doesn't. It's always there. Yeah. That's a good name for it, actually. Dirty black dog. (CHUCKLES) TENSE MUSIC Incredible, really, that a man good enough to play with the best in the world... Snapped up, though, by McCaw. Got it off to Witcombe. Witcombe. ...can feel not good enough to himself. Oh, try. McCaw's in! What was rock bottom for you? > There's been a couple, to be honest. James Ryan and Auckland hooker Derren Witcombe are the new faces in the pack. It's hard to find words for it, really, eh. It's just` It's amazing. The first rock bottom came soon after his selection as an All Black. A neck injury put his playing future in doubt. He was stretchered off with what looked like a serious neck injury. And to cut a sad story short, this newly-minted All Black eventually tried to take his own life. It scared the shit out of me, to be honest. To this day, no one knows` not a lot of people know about that. But, um,... And that was pretty much over just being hard on myself, beating myself up, just... not knowing where to go, um,... (CLEARS THROAT) do, say, whatever. Oh, this could be a great reply for Auckland. It is. Derren Witcombe scores. Derren recovered from that first suicide attempt, recovered, incredibly, even from the neck injury... The anxiety's gone. My confidence is` is fully back. ...to not only play rugby again,... Touch. ...but to make Auckland and the Blues. Derren Witcombe over in the corner. He was back on the road to rugby stardom. This is a try for Witcombe! But it wasn't to last. So then first game of the Air New Zealand Cup, 2007? Playing for Auckland. There he is in the` on the tight-head side. Scrum collapses. > Scrum collapses. > Yeah, yeah, just landed on the top of my head. Had a scan after that and then basically told... I... nothing would help me get back, so that was that. It was all over? It was all over? Yeah. THOUGHTFUL MUSIC Next there was a year or two of denial, drinking; his marriage collapsed. But there were good things happening too ` a coaching job in Japan He had some security, but despite that, Derren says, he simply felt lost. I just fell apart, basically. I was driving around with all... all my stuff in the car. I was going to go and live under a bridge,... (CHUCKLES) cos I just wanted to hide. Like, everything just came to a head. I was just sort of sitting there. I'd written myself` my f` family a note. (SIGHS) EMOTIONALLY: And... for some reason, my... my sister texted me. Sorry. I guess that was my... my chance to opt out of that, which I'm glad I did. Cos I was that tired of` of living the way I was. REFLECTIVE MUSIC Probably the biggest issue that I see is just the reluctance for some players, former and current, to put their hands up and say, 'Yeah, I'm struggling here. I need a hand, or I need to talk to someone.' Dave Gibson, former NZ Maori player. Former Auckland Blues and Otago Highlanders. And David Gibson scores. I now work for the New Zealand Rugby Players' Association as the player services manager. They say depression doesn't discriminate, and that's` that's a true fact for a lot of our professional athletes. Dave's organisation surveyed their retired professional players a while back. More than a third of them reported feelings of depression or anxiety. That's a lot of players. The one thing they say is they wish they spoke up earlier. So that, for me, is the biggest issue ` why can't` w-why` why these people don't feel that they can speak up. We do not talk about it enough. They've got it. Overcome with the sheer joy and emotion of it all. I'm Heath Mills. I work for the Cricket Players' Association... He's almost in tears there. And not happy. ...and the NZ Athletes Federation. What's alarming is that, still, in 2013 we have athletes who are afraid to talk about the fact that they're suffering, that they've had bad days, for fear of the retribution. And I think that's something we must change in sport. Feeling pretty pissed off. Don't even know if one word can describe how depressed we're feeling. After the break ` Derren continues his story, and another high-profile sportsman tells of his struggles. Yeah, his is an issue across all sports. We're going dancing with the stars? Hey, bro, have another one. < MEN EXCLAIM Driving. Well, see ya, boys. What do you mean? Your mum does it all for you? What do you mean? Your mum does it all for you? ALL LAUGH Here, mate. Oh, what? Oh, what? I'm driving, bro. Later. You boys have a good night, eh? 1 Welcome back. Sports stars with depression ` and let's just be clear here; we're not just talking about athletes feeling a bit sorry for themselves. This is real, serious stuff and, for some, a matter of life and death. Across the board, the numbers, anecdotally at least, are big, and they seem to be getting bigger. ELECTRONIC MUSIC < How big of an issue is it, do you think? < How big of an issue is it, do you think? Massive, massive issue. A tremendous shot. Very good 50. Out. In cricket, as in all sport, the highs are high, but the lows can be very low. Little bit of stuff I've stolen from the cricket grounds. Lou Vincent knows that better than most. That's the test debut. That's` That's the special one. That's been` That's the test debut. That's` That's the special one. That's been` That's against Australia? Yeah. Oh, that's an excellent shot. Oh, shot! His first ever test for NZ, Lou scored a century. That is a superb 100. That is a great moment for this young man ` a century on debut. His next game, he went out for a duck. Oh, he's going to be out first ball. Hero to zero in the space of a month. And Lou Vincent, very first ball, is gone. All of a sudden, two games go; you haven't scored any runs. Bowled all over the place! And then it's the third game you're actually going out to bat, and you're going, 'Oh, this is it.' Oh, he's bowled him! Vincent is cleaned out by Shoaib Aqtar. I won't be able to pay my mortgage in two months' time if` if` if I get out, you know? Ooh, that might be a bit close. Yes, he's given! And then, whack, there it is ` you're sittin' on the porch, you know, not wanting to eat, not wanting to, you know, move on with` with` with life. You don't want to` You don't even know where to start. When you're completely and utterly gone, you know what I mean, all you can think about is how better the world would be without you in it. MELANCHOLY MUSIC Lou tried to run from his depression, which he calls 'the beast' His marriage collapsed. He moved countries, tried for a fresh start. Unfortunately, as we all know, if you're sitting on seat number 10F on the old Emirates Airline from NZ to England, unfortunately the` the beast has still got the same ticket as you in the same seat. He's gonna be there with ya until you actually properly address it face to face and deal with it, which took` You know, it took a while to even understand that. They do appear to be living the dream, but the dream is not always, the dream, and mental health is a great leveller. I'm Karen Nimmo. I'm a clinical psychologist I think athletes are more vulnerable sometimes because of the pressures they're under. With social media and` and media pressures 24/7, they are being criticised and being watched, so it can be very stressful. What percentage of your clients are elite sportspeople? > Several years ago, it would have been one or two a week; now it's probably about 50% of my practise. At certain times of year, it's higher than that. We'll have nutritionists; we'll have physios. With all the physical stuff, we'll have lots of people and have lots of discussions. Mental health? Nothing, not in my experience. Heath Mills says 25 professional players have sought help through his players' association out of a pool of just 130. It's a matter of time before we lose an athlete. You only need to look around the world to see that. But even with support, it's tough to come forward. Outstanding try. For athletes desperate for selection, it seems pretty risky to admit to an injury of any kind,... Cracked that one over the top of, uh, extra cover. ...physical or mental. You just don't wanna bring it up, cos you're gonna be judged. At times, you just really want to talk to someone, and` and you just feel like you couldn't in that environment. There's obviously a bit of an ego thing there as well; you` you don't want to be seen to be weak. We've got to overcome that. The athletes or the players are products of the environments we put them in. The sports industry, in my mind, has a responsibility to help these people. So where does the buck stop, then? Who needs to actually take charge and do something about this? There needs to be a central, national discussion about mental health in high-performance sport. And that needs to be led by government. UPBEAT MUSIC Smudging. Derren Witcombe is himself now leading from the sidelines. First home game of the season for you? First home game of the season for you? Yeah, very excited. He's a coach ` head coach, in fact ` for Northland in this year's ITM cup. Make sure we go forward. If you get a shot on, do it. How does your experience drive how you treat your players as a coach now? > I'm way more empathetic than what I was as a player and when I first was as a coach. Um... Lots of cuddles? Lots of cuddles? Yeah, lots of cuddles (!) No, no. Not quite that far. ALL: One, two, three. ALL: One, two, three. Hold it, hold it, hold it. I'm a lot more aware of how people are, I guess, after what I've been through. Um, it's not just black and white. Does it make you a better coach? Does it make you a better coach? I believe so, yeah. You understand... (CLEARS THROAT) If I can keep learning to understand myself, I'm going to be able to understand people better, I think. Home ground, we dictate the intensity. WHISTLE BLOWS COMMENTATOR: There it goes. Short. Oh, it's a clean intercept! This could be a try! From Lachlan, Ben Seymour. Looking back and knowing what I know now, it's a` it's the biggest` one of the biggest parts is realising that you need to change... change some things. Change` Lifestyle change. You need to start talking to people. You need to... make a plan for yourself to` to keep on if` if one day you do start going off track again. A plan that` that you know works, that keeps you on the straight and narrow, as such. < What's the best piece of advice you were given? Uh, probably hang in. Hang in. Simple as that. When you're going through a tough patch in cricket, when you're not scoring any runs, you hang in, because it gets easier. The same thing in life. It's actually more of a strength if you do talk to people about it. People care, and they want to help, basically. You-You're not alone, and don't be embarrassed. It's` yeah, it's not a weakness. WHISTLE BLOWS WHISTLE BLOWS That'll do it. Northland Taniwha 13 over the Southland Stags' 9. Do your players know your background? Do they know your personal story? Uh, not really, no. I guess they'll find out... I guess they'll find out... < Yeah. I guess they'll find out... < Yeah. ...uh, once this hits the TV. How do you think they'll react? How do you think they'll react? Yeah, I'm not too sure. A bit apprehensive, really, to be honest. Um... But at the end of the day, why I'm telling my story is` is to help people get their message out and` and not be shy about it and not worry about judgement. Hopefully they take it, uh` take it nicely. Thanks so much to Derren for sharing his story. Um, if you would like to seek advice on dealing with depression, a good place to start would be www.depression.org.nz, or you can call the depression helpline... If you head to our Facebook page, we'll also put up a bunch of contacts up there. Next on 20/20 ` we meet two woman living with anxiety disorders. Leah doesn't like people looking at her face, so we're going to do this interview back to back. 1 Welcome back. When it comes to anxiety disorder, NZ's reported rate is second only to America, but unlike the US, perhaps, Kiwis don't often like to talk about it. Tonight, though, is different ` Sam has obsessive compulsive disorder and Leah ` body dysmorphia. They wanted to tell their stories to help others face their fears. CD TRAY WHIRRS I love scary movies. Some people think that's really weird. BOOM BOOM (SCREAMS) BOOM (SCREAMS) GUNFIRE I think scary movies are all good and bins are what are scary ` touching rubbish bins. (CHUCKLES) For Sam, rubbish means germs and germs are scary. There's a tissue there that I do not want to touch. What frightens her is not what frightens most. My friend said to me, 'You've been in Egypt and there's been gunfire outside your hotel, 'but then you're too scared to touch your shoes.' (CHUCKLES) Sam's hatred of rubbish bins and her love of clean new shoes stem from her OCD. Some of us say we're a little bit OCD, but Sam really understands what it's like to have an obsessive-compulsive disorder. It's normal to worry, but people with OCD worry obsessively. This can lead to compulsive behaviours, which in their minds keep them and others safe. It started off just quite innocently, just washing my hands more than usual. And then it started just sort of snowballing to get more serious. Sam is frightened of being contaminated, and washing and cleaning only bring short-term relief. She's become trapped in an endless cycle of rituals and routines. OK. So, this is a thing. WATER SPLASHES Freaked out by something, and I do it five times, so it's really annoying. (CHUCKLES) I know that it's senseless, and it just takes up a long time, but you still feel like you need to do it. That's three, right? That's three, right? Yeah, that's right. That's three, right? Yeah, that's right. Number four, right. The numbers thing ` why wash five times? Your mind has to choose something, like, some kind of boundary. I don't know how it happened, but I just decided five is OK and if you do it five times, you're completely fine. Sam says it was a blood test at 19 that pushed her OCD into overdrive. When I lifted my arm up, I noticed that the nurse had placed my arm on a pillow that already had somebody else's blood on it. And so that really set me off. I got a bit hysterical after that. I was phoning my mum, and I was worried about it enough to go and get a whole series of blood tests three months later. Just have a chat about your shoes. We'll walk past some... 'The only way to understand the extent of Sam's OCD was to spend time at her flat.' Doing the laundry is a nightmare. So if I said to you, 'Sam, could you pick up that piece of washing and put it in the washing machine?' What goes through your head? What goes through your head? I just think about, like, how contaminated I think it is, and then I would start stressing about what else it's touched and if I had to touch anything after having touched it without having a shower and start worrying about that and worrying about contaminating me and other people as well. 'These bags are full of washing. Her shoes get washed too,' although she still throws away a couple of pairs a month. And then once I've washed them, then it means I don't have to throw them away, and it makes it cheaper, so I don't have to keep buying new shoes, which I used to do. These days, Sam can touch her shoes, thanks to her therapist, Jock Matthews. OK. I'm touching them. That's way more than I touched them last time. OK. I'm touching them. That's way more than I touched them last time. It was, actually. He's helping her with exposure therapy. The more she's exposed to things, including Jock's dog, the easier it gets. A lot of it's a control thing. So I can't control the world... and I can't be sure that I'm not gonna get sick from something. Um, as much as I wanna be 100% sure, you can never be 100% sure, and that's, I think, a big part of the therapy is, like, learning how to deal with all the uncertainty. Hello. This is the first time Jock's made a house visit. Both hands. Both hands. Oh, this is so gross. Backs of your hands. Well done. Backs. That's yuck. That's yuck. Yeah, I know. And then I'm touching. Oh. I don't wanna touch it. Usually, Sam would now wash, but Jock helps her keep her compulsive behaviours in check. We're gonna try and resist the urge to clean it later. We're gonna try and resist the urge to clean it later. Oh my God. (CHUCKLES) Well done. < Hold it with two ` both hands. I don't think I'm gonna die. (CHUCKLES) I don't think I'm gonna die. (CHUCKLES) < Well done. Great exposure. This is so gross. This is so gross. I know. And now can you rub your hands across the top of the` Oh, I don't want to. Oh, I don't want to. ...Fisher & Paykel? Yes, rub your hands across that. Both hands, rub them round. Circular motions. Both hands, rub them round. Circular motions. Oh my God. No. Breathe out. Put them down. And try it again. It's not hot. > My God, I wanna wash my hands. My God, I wanna wash my hands. I know. Now, I know that's the place you wash your clothes, > but what you're doing won't contaminate what you put in the washing machine. > It's only in your mind. > It's only in your mind. > No, it's contaminating me right now. Now I feel sick. Do you? Do you? Yeah, like nauseous. Do you? Yeah, like nauseous. Really nauseous? Does OCD affect your relationships with people? You do, I think in a lot of cases, end up isolating yourself a little bit from people because it just gets harder to be so spontaneous with people and be... Like, I used to be much more of a huggier person and way more hands-on, but yeah, that sort of becomes a bit harder and... OK. Sam's finally allowed to wash her hands. Now, try, if you can, to keep it to a minimum. She pushes her boundaries, and the OCD pushes back. So just once. So just once. Once. That's all. Our rule is do it once, do it well. The soap fell off. Can I get more soap? (CHUCKLES) The soap fell off. Can I get more soap? (CHUCKLES) No. Try and resist the urge. WATER RUSHES Sam agreed to go on camera in the hope that it would help her and others. Now you're going to meet Leah. She has a different kind of anxiety disorder ` body dysmorphia. Leah doesn't like people looking at her face, so we're going to do this interview back to back. Talk about you? Talk about you? You can say what you like. Does the hat make you feel more secure? > Oh, definitely. The purpose of the hat is... so that it stops me from getting hurt. INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS This is how Leah sees the world. Hello. Can I get, um, one of those banana-chocolate muffins, please? Hidden beneath her floppy hat, it's a life of no eye contact. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. I'm scared that if people see what I look like facially and if they do judge me and think I look disgusting or repulsive, then I'm scared how that will impact on how well I sleep, my mental health, how well I perform in life. Body dysmorphic disorder, or BDD, is where a person has a distorted view of their physical appearance. They see themselves in a very negative way, and this causes extreme anxiety. Can you see my face? Can you see my face? MAN: No. Can you see my face? MAN: No. Oh. Oh. I don't feel worthy. Um, and I... it's interfered with my life quite severely, where I can't work and I really want to. Often, it's a huge achievement for Leah just to leave the house, so walking around the mall is an unimaginable challenge. Before I leave home, I'm already obsessing about whether or not people think I'm disgusting to look at. So you already create ideas in your mind that people hate you and don't like you, um, before you've even spoken to them, through their body language. Leah thinks her nose is disfigured. Was it you who thought your nose was ugly, or did people say things about your nose? I used to get teased that it was quite big. One day I decided, oh, maybe I'd look better and have more chances in life if my nose was finer, more refined. I might get better jobs, because when you're prettier-looking, you have more sharper features, then you probably get better things in life, you're more privileged than the people who are unattractive. At 20, Leah decided to have plastic surgery. And after the surgery, how did you feel about it? And after the surgery, how did you feel about it? Oh, I was worse. My expectations weren't met. I was expecting a more refined, pointy nose, but I still think it's wide and flat and disgusting. So after the operation, I just stopped showing people my face. How did you stop showing your face? Did you hide away, or did you start wearing the hat then? The face covering didn't start until... around 2003. It didn't start off with hats; it used to be really unusual things, like McDonald's cups. I would use a McDonald's cup on my face and walk around with it over my nose. And it was just so bizarre, cos I'd walk down the street like that. But what Leah sees and what she thinks we see are two different things. You can't see my face, can you? You can't see my face, can you? MAN: No. When I look at my nose in a mirror, it looks symmetrical, it's very normal. But if I'm looking at you face on, it looks like it's melted, like you would see a pot handle melted from being on the stove. That's not what you see in the mirror? No. No. But you think that's what I see when I look at you? Yes. I don't think I look how I do on screen, like, in a photo. I see a pretty girl in the photo,... but when you look at my face front on, I think I'm just a whole different person. So would you be able to take a photo of yourself and then show it to me? Would that be OK? I can't say yes to the television until I've seen what the photo looks like. Leah has been getting help at the Phobic Trust, but even her therapist hasn't seen her face. I've slowly got to that point where I trust her enough that I can lift the brim a little bit, a couple of centimetres upward, but Deb won't be looking out at me directly; I will look at her face, her profile. It's still, uh,... a start to getting to that point of being able to have someone look at you face on eventually. Leah's determined to take control of her life again. It's very draining when you have mental illness. It's very draining, but you also think the positive side of that is that everything that I have done to help me get well again has made me a better person. So because of the anxiety and the BDD, um, that's why I have` I'm reliable, I have stickability, I'm... I'm a better person because of it. The interview is over. Well done. Well done. You're lovely, Emma. Well done. You're lovely, Emma. You're pretty fantastic too. Your hands are tiny! And three weeks later, Leah gave us this recent photo of herself. She really is pretty fantastic. Leah and Sam are not hiding from life; they're getting on with it. I do everything that I would normally and just do it anxiously, rather than not do it at all. I so happen to have in my pocket a little bit of paper. I'm wondering how close you can actually get to the bin to put it in there. Oh, no, don't chuck it. Oh, no, I... Oh, no, I... How close can you get with actually...? BOTH LAUGH It's still a work in progress. (CHUCKLES) I'm a lot better than I was, but I'm still... I still think that I have a long way to go. Yeah. But I'm a lot, um, happier than I was. I feel like more like my old self again. Yeah. We put something in there. You put something in there. We put something in there. You put something in there. We did. We're standing next to it. Walk on. Our job is done here. We're standing next to it. Walk on. Our job is done here. The wind's blowing it at me. The wind's blowing it at you! The wind's blowing it at you! (CHUCKLES) Blowing the germs at me! The wind's blowing it at you! (CHUCKLES) Blowing the germs at me! Quick! Quick! Walk this way! I laugh louder than anyone else in the room, because, yeah, it's like I've been through and I'm going through this, but that just makes all the good things shine even more, I reckon. We'd like to thank Sam and Leah and also their therapists for supporting them through the filming process. If you'd like more info on getting help for anxiety disorders, you can go to our Facebook page. Next on 20/20, Hannah Ockelford meets Ruby Wax. I would like to thank the makers of lamotragine, sertraline and reboxetine, because without those few simple chemicals, I would not be vertical today. You were institutionalised. A couple times, yeah. I'd written my family a note. 1 Welcome back. She's famous, perhaps infamous, for her comedy, but these days, her shows have a scientific twist. Hannah Ockelford had the pleasure of meeting Ruby Wax, a long time sufferer of depression and now a qualified expert in mindfulness. Here she is as irrepressible as ever but with something to share with us all. JAZZY MUSIC Oh, I'm not really wearing a shirt. Oh, I'm not really wearing a shirt. BOTH LAUGH Oh, I'm not really wearing a shirt. BOTH LAUGH You can see through it, can't you? Can we hop in your picture? This is Ruby. Can you take a picture? Who can take a picture of us? Yes, that's me and Ruby Wax. Ruby, put your head down. > And, yes, we're hijacking a family photo. That was a bit awkward. That was a bit awkward. Why? We're visitors to Australia's Byron Bay,... I'm embarrassed. Are you not? I'm embarrassed. Are you not? No, this is what I do for a living. I'm embarrassed. Are you not? No, this is what I do for a living. (LAUGHS) ...and clearly, we're both amongst the one in every four people who's a tad fruity. LAUGHS: Oh, no, that's hilar... that's hilarious. Oh, there's the whale. One in four people suffer from some sort of mental illness, so if it was, uh, one, two, three, four, it's you, sir. You. Yeah, with the` with the weird teeth. And you next to him. You know who you are. Actually, that whole row isn't right. AUDIENCE LAUGHS AUDIENCE LAUGHS That's not good. Hi. Yeah, real bad. Don't even look at me. She's an actress, a comedian and an interviewer. All of us are, we feel like sisters. Like, we've grown so close and` Except that you're all having sex with Daddy. (LAUGHS) That's the only thing that's different. But throughout her memorable career there's been bouts of crippling depression. I am one of the one-in-four, thank you. (CHUCKLES) It's like you're, um` you were stung by an insect that` that laid you out, kind of comatose, but you're still walking around. That's depression for everybody, not just mine. I would like to thank the makers of lamotragine, sertraline, and reboxetine, because without those few simple chemicals, I would not be vertical today. You were institutionalised. A couple times, yeah. Well, thank God I had some insurance ` my show's about that ` cos I` so I could stay for one hour, and then when my insurance ran out, bye-bye. That's` that's` You know, once it's gone, it's gone. But none of this is news. What is, though, is Ruby's new direction. You're very tall. You're very tall. Yes. I just took a swerve in my career, that's all. And that's why we're taking time for a chat. I'm happy to drive under your influence. I'm happy to drive under your influence. I had my licence taken a few times. Oh, have you? Oh, have you? Yeah, drunk driving. The queen of hilarity, Ruby Wax, has completed a masters in mindfulness-based cognitive therapy. This way, then. Simply put, mindfulness is a deeper awareness of thoughts and feelings that's grounded in science. I suppose it's... And now she's ready to share what she's learnt. I'm taking my masters and flipping it and making it funny. A lot of the comedy bits, of course I'm making up ` no scientists said it ` but I really wanted to get, um, the real stuff. I didn't expect this to be a conventional interview. Oh shit, you just got in my eye. Oh shit, you just got in my eye. LAUGHS: Sorry. It's OK, it's OK. I'm going to get a sweat on doing this. I'm going to get a sweat on doing this. No, it's all right. Are you`? If you're shaking too much... Oh, no, I'm not. Oh, no, I'm not. Because, you know, this is your first time. But this was a challenge I didn't predict. Look at what she's left me with. What if I just did the interview and you looked like this? OK. With the knowledge she's gained, Ruby's written a manual of sorts... MAN: Yes. MAN: Yes. LAUGHTER ...for not only the one in four who have some form of mental illness, but the four in four who live daily with our very own critical voices. You need the steps I guess, but I didn't want to sound like an evangelist. I mean` < Oh, no, you don't. < Oh, no, you don't. No, but, you know, like, I can't take yoga, I don't really wanna break my back in two directions just to kiss my bottom. I don't` It's not for me, and swimming isn't for others, you know. So I say if mindfulness isn't your thing, then there's other things. Mindfulness, being aware of and finding relief from our self-critical voices. Mindfulness came out of people dealing with pain. If you really go in, you aren't completely pain. There's areas where there's not pain. You know, so you can feel feelings go, and then eventually you can feel thoughts come and go. And the kind of transparency of it is, um, the relief. Do you practise mindfulness daily? Yeah, I kinda have to. Especially if I'm gonna do a show, which I'm doing tonight, because I must get down the cortisol and adrenalin. I have to get it way down so that when you go out on stage, you already have it, because there's people looking at you. But I don't want to tip over, because in my case I'll get sick. It also makes me perform better, because it means that I'm completely` my head` my head is clearer so that I've never forgotten a line in the last five years. What used to make me stumble is when you get that red mist, because the voices took over, going 'You're an idiot. You're screwing up.' Then there's no room for thought, thinking. Oh, I know exactly what you mean. Oh, I know exactly what you mean. You know what I mean. You don't stumble. My first live cross, we went to air, and it felt as though my head was just getting bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger with this adrenalin that was sort of coming up my body. I remember just looking at the camera, and I just was, like, 'Uh,... uh,... uh,... uh,...' and just nothing came out at all. Oh, that's not good. Oh, that's not good. No. Oh, that's not good. No. Was it live TV? Yes. Yes. Mm. What happened? You still have a job, though. Yeah. Yeah. I've screwed up a lot too, yeah, and it was always fear. That kicked in the cortisol, that kicked in the adrenalin, and then you stumble. We are not equipped for the 21st century. Evolution did not prepare us for this. When we were ancient man,... AUDIENCE LAUGHS AUDIENCE LAUGHS ...we would fill up with our own adrenalin and our own cortisol and then we'd kill or be killed, we'd eat or we'd be eaten, and then suddenly we'd defuel and we'd go back to normal. OK. The unfortunate thing is evolution didn't hand us a break. When we feel in danger, we still fill up with our own chemical, but because we can't kill the traffic wardens... AUDIENCE LAUGHS AUDIENCE LAUGHS ...or eat estate agents, the fuel just stays in our body, so we're in a constant state of alarm. But there is no rest. So now we have to look into the brain to say, 'What area in there can we become aware of that would be awareness of awareness?' It was suddenly, 'Oh my God, I didn't send the email. 'Oh my God, my thighs are too fat. Oh my God, everybody can see I'm stupid.' And we have the equipment; it's just nobody trains you how to use it. It's like having a Ferrari on your head, but nobody gave you the keys. You know, we do have something that no other animal has, but then you have to be trained to use it. AUDIENCE APPLAUDS What do your critical voices say to you? What are yours? I bet they're pretty similar. What are yours? I bet they're pretty similar. Who's interviewing who here, Ruby? No, I'm just curious. I mean we're not that different. No, I'm just curious. I mean we're not that different. No, we're not. Um, 'You can do better, you're not good enough, that person over there doesn't like you.' Sounds terrible when you say it out loud, because... probably they're not thinking about you, they're thinking` probably they're not thinking about you, they're thinking` They're thinking the same thing. Oh, hi. I have discussions after my show, and I've never had anybody with an internal voice that says what a wonderful job I'm doing and may I say how attractive I am today. There's nobody that has it, and if they do, they're probably a narcissist and crazier than you and I are. As good as it looks, we can't all spend our days lolling about in warm water, eating and mating. Did you see? It flipped its tail up. But by simply taking the time to watch the whales ` consciously watch them ` we're practising mindfulness. If you suddenly concentrate, let's say, on listening, or` or really tasting, the amygdala automatically goes down. In the beginning it'll be hard, but it's like doing a sit-up. Eventually when the... S really hits the fan, the cortisol does come down, the adrenalin does come down. It was the science behind the thinking that convinced Ruby. Because I'm really sceptical. As a matter of fact, if people ask my star sign, I go, 'Uh-huh,' and they're out of my address book. But I'm still polite, but it's over. So the only reason I like mindfulness or was interested is because in the brain scanners, they can see the best results with people who've practised mindfulness, even if it's for a week. Once I see something, I understand it works. 'So what about those critical voices?' Listen, mine don't go away. There is no magic pill. It's just that eventually it's like a radio that's just playing over. It's just that eventually it's like a radio that's just playing over. You become the observer. You get a little distance, but they never, never go away. If you think they do, then you're probably dead. (CHUCKLES) Assuming you're not, then mindfulness could be for you, whether you're a one-in-four or a four-in-four. I think we're done, but I do have a checklist. I have to check that. I think we're done, but I do have a checklist. I have to check that. OK, sure. Come to Australia, find Ruby, interview her, ask her her star sign. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) Oh, that's daring. (LAUGHS) That's hilarious. You didn't really write that? No, I made that in. That's number 3a. And finally I asked Ruby for a modern day pic ` a selfie. OK, how do we do that? OK, how do we do that? Like this. We turn the camera round. OK, how do we do that? Like this. We turn the camera round. OK. She might not have understood the term, but in true Wax style, she found humour in the act. Next up on 20/20 ` we meet a young man who, with help, has come out the other side and has some simple advice. Find a happy person, cos they're always the best to be around. And now you're one of those happy guys. Yeah. Yeah. One of the positive ones. Yeah. One of the positive ones. Yeah. Come` Come hang out with me. No. (CHUCKLES) 1 Welcome back. This could be the story of so many teenagers in Aotearoa, growing up in a small town, struggling at school, run-ins with the law, self-esteem hits rock bottom. This is Tamehana Moanaroa's very personal and surprisingly inspiring story. HIP-HOP MUSIC This is where it all happens, eh? This is where it all happens, eh? Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, He's real talented in music. He's a` He's a beat maker, he's a songwriter, he's an MC. That's my bro forever. (CHUCKLES) And what are you going to rap for us? And what are you going to rap for us? The show. So you just decided, 'OK, 20/20's here. I'm gonna rap about them? So you just decided, 'OK, 20/20's here. I'm gonna rap about them? Yeah, may as well. He's a young man with music in him. (LAUGHS) That's Tame in a nutshell. That's how he rocks. (RAPS QUIETLY) (RAPS QUIETLY) WHISPERS: I think he found his beat. Check, check, one. Music is his motivation, his passion. RAPS: # Channel 2, Thursday, 9.30, 20/20. # Shouting out from Waikato to the Bay of Plenty. # Told them that God sent me. # Now I show them how to utilise positivity. # It makes me feel more open and open-minded. Positive? Positive? Yeah. Positive, yeah. But go back four years, to when Tamehana started high school, and it was a very different story. I was a joker, like a class clown. I was always that type of person, but, like, with hidden feelings. Then the trouble started, and not just at school. Yeah, a bit of trouble. Definitely a bit of trouble. Yeah, a bit of trouble. Definitely a bit of trouble. Like what? Like... Like robberies and stuff. Oh, like, going through people's houses, drinking, drugs. How old were you then? How old were you then? Uh,... probably about 13. Committing crime at 13? Oh, that sounds bad. Committing crimes at 13. I was a little... a little a-hole. (CHUCKLES) Acting like a bad boy, but inside he was struggling. He was very bullied. As big a guy as he is, very gentle. So... he found it hard opening up to anybody. His mum, Heeni, saw his pain but stayed away. It got to the point where we just didn't speak. You sort of lie in bed, and all you hear through the wall is somebody crying. It's, like... (TUTS) Sadness ` undiagnosed depression ` to the point that Tamehana's thoughts turned to suicide. How close did you come to ending your life? I was that close that I had the objects to use. When we were told that, um, he tried to kill himself, yeah, it hit home. Um,... I didn't know how to take it, really. Didn't know whether I wanted to be angry at him or whether I was sad for him. (BARKS) Looking for help, for answers to save her son, Heeni turned to Hamilton youth group Te Ahurei a Rangatahi. I rang, and, um, Harmz answered the phone. Hey, what's up whanau? I'm Harmz. I hail from the 828, the mightiest, kicking here in H-town. Straightaway it was, like, 'Yep, bring that boy up to me. I'll see yous tomorrow.' LIGHT HIP-HOP MUSIC It's a space to learn, talk, share ` the Brotherhood for boys; Sisters in Arms for girls. We're all about young people ` youth health, youth voice, youth direction. Harmz, a youth health promoter,... Look, this group's cracked it. ...is one of 10 staff giving the kids options. Three, two, one. ALL: Bananas. ALL: Bananas. Sweet. Give it up for the Banana crew! All we're trying to do is tell young people, 'Hey, have you seen this door? 'I've got the key. I'll open it, but you just got to rock through it. 'Or hey, have you seen this door? There's some music in there. Check it out.' His personality and attitude were, um, like, really positive. Just made it in, this group! Yeah I thought, 'Far, this fella's crazy.' # No more monkeys jumping on the bed. # We're all crazy together now, so I think it's cool. That's crazy. So thanks to Harmz and discovering a love of hip-hop culture, Tamehana found some focus, a new outlook on life. Whenever I'm rapping, I feel like I'm finally using my voice. RAPS: # People go, we rap it like I'm a feather. Everyone know what I do. I am a trend-setter. # I'm definitely more open-minded, open-hearted,... Check this fella's tunes out. ...looking at life more positively. RAPS: # If I got doubt in my mind, just keep on going. # Every time I double this, you know I won't be slowin'. # Keep on my controllin'. Every time I'm' doin this, I'm overtakin'. That looks like your raps are stolen. # You's got some talent, boy. If you were to compare the Tamehana of four years ago to the Tamehana today, what's changed? What I see in my mind is huge, like the word 'huge'. There's a huge difference with Tame. LAUGHTER, SINGING To Ahurei a Rangatahi, I must take my hat off to them. Because of that programme, I have a family, I have my kids. It was probably the best decision I've made in my whole life. Meatlover. Tonight some of the kids from Te Ahurei have come together for a special occasion ` Tamehana's sister's birthday. Happy birthday, sis, and, um, yeah, happy 16th. The positivity is rubbing off on Aroha too, and thanks to her big brother, the whole family is now closer. Who is Tamehana now? Who is Tamehana now? He is one very beautiful, very bright boy ` man, even. Um, he's really shown me a lot in these last few years. He's made me grow up. (CHUCKLES) So, your mum, how do you refer to her? I don't call her Mum; I call her bro, cos she's like my bro, yeah, my best friend. Other kids who feel the same as you did, what would you say to them? Find the happy person, cos they're always the best to be around. And now you're one of those happy guys, one of the positive ones. Yeah. Come` Come hang out with me. No. (CHUCKLES) Now, if you or someone close to you is affected by any of the issues raised in tonight's show, you can call Lifeline on... Or a good general information website to start with is www.mentalhealth.org.nz. We'll put a full list of other good organisations, websites and numbers you can call on our Facebook page. Now, tonight's programme was funded in part by a NZ Mental Health Media Grant, so thanks to the support from the Frozen Funds Charitable Trust, the Mental Health Foundation and the Like Minds, Like Mine programme for that. If you want to see any of tonight's stories again, head to our website. It's... You can also email us at... Or go to our Facebook page. We're at... Let us know your thoughts and, of course, please do check out all those mental health links.