Captions by Richard Edmunds. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014 Hello, and welcome to Best Bits ` the show with all the best, worst and weirdest of the week's TV. I'm Jesse Mulligan. Let's meet tonight's panel. First up, he's more expensive than the others, but he's saving us a lot on hairdressing costs. It's Vaughan Smith. Appearing because she's one of our favourite comedians, but conveniently fulfilling several quota requirements too ` it's Heidi O'Loughlin. Next up, you may not know his name, but you won't know his face either. It's comedian Guy Montgomery. And, with the hair of a rock star and the depth of a rock pool, it's Rhys Mathewson. Nice to have you with us. We'll start each show by looking at of our favourite clips from the week. First up, in a world where TV producers are desperate to hang reality shows off some sort of dramatic storyline, it's good to see Kiwi show Fishy Business being so straight-up about what they do. Our mission on this episode of Fishy Business is to head out and catch a big fish. Yes, spoiler alert ` this week they're going fishing. There are` I should say there's a lot of fishing shows on TV at the moment. Guy, how many can you name? Fishy Business. Fishy Business. Yep. OK. Thank you for doing your research. Anyone else on the panel? Outdoors with Geoff is a classic. He's not primarily fishing, though. He likes to blow the brains out of cute mammals. He will shoot anything. Yeah, that's how he got that show. He just walked into the network and went, 'I will shoot anything.' He writes, shoots, directs and edits it himself, though. Cos I've read the credits of Outdoors with Geoff. Depressing. 'Outdoors with Geoff ` edited indoors by Geoff; promoted externally by Geoff...' 'Theme song by Geoff.' 'Catering by Geoff.' Geoff is so lonely. MTV's Teen Mom is like a highlights package of bad parenting. To stand out, you've got to do something really special. Oh... (CHUCKLES) Really... THUD! BOTH GASP, BABY CRIES How'd that happen? Oh my God. Yeah, that baby was really a terrible dancer. For a while there it was pretty even. What's she worse at ` parenting or dancing? And then parenting just shot ahead. Look, I don't mind... You know, we can't raise them in cotton wool. Rough and tumble is fine. But what did irk me is... Have you seen the making of that show? It happened naturally once, and then the producer and director were, like, 'And again. And again.' Cos that must have been` There must have been someone, like, watching it happen, like the director, going, 'Should I...? No.' VAUGHAN: 'Let's see how this plays out.' Teen Mom is, of course, a sequel to 16 and Pregnant. And the people at MTV were plumbing the depths, going, 'What's more depressing than 16 and Pregnant? 17 with Child!' All right, time for The Great Food Race now ` a good Kiwi show, hosted by cross-code trophy wife Zoe Marshall. Now, a lot of people think that Zoe got the TV job just cos she's married to Benji. Not true. This week we discovered the real reason ` she's able to conjure vegetables out of thin air. I'm going to give you two compulsory vegetables for your stack ` pumpkin and spinach. Amazing, right? And it just goes to show, actually... goes to show that one person handing another person vegetables is just as boring when a hot person does it. It's` It's like magic of television, though. It's 101. Like, right now I'm here. Cut to a shot of Rhys. Cut back to me! ALL: Whoa-ho! Whoa! I was here all along. Very effective demonstration there, Vaughan. Good work. She's hardly gonna make the next Avengers movie with that superpower, though, is she? Unless, ironically, Iron Man was low on iron and she had spinach ready to go... Now, does anyone watch this show? I haven't seen much of it. I mean, does it...? Is it an exciting show? No. She said, 'I'm gonna give you two of the blandest vegetables possible to spice up your meal.' That is the calibre of the show. That is the calibre of the show. So, at best, 60 minutes later we're gonna have soup. 'How do we make this exciting? To the hilltops!' That's pretty much... I thought, The Great Food Race... In my mind, I think it's just gonna be a whole lot of people seeing who can get through a meal the fastest, and we watch them have indigestion. My wife always gets drawn into these shows. This one's got that, kind of, Amazing Race feel to it. She watches this and My Kitchen Rules and... I'm just saying, if she spent, maybe, like, a quarter of the time on actual cooking, rather than watching cooking, I might get a meal. Women, eh? She might say the same thing to you about pornography, so, uh... She does get a quarter of the time. She gets a quarter of the time every time. To Days of our Lives now, which reminds us that some of the best drama in daytime soaps comes when a doctor delivers some devastating news to a patient. I'm gonna advise that, for the remainder of your pregnancy, you abstain from any sexual activity whatsoever. SAD PIANO MUSIC The shrug of the shoulders suggests she told the doctor to say that. 'Quick, before he gets here. He just jumps on. It's annoying, cos I'm pregnant. 'I want an excuse. A medical excuse would be great.' And she's, like, 'No more sex.' And she's, like... 'You know I love the pregnant sex, love. Boo.' 'You know I love the pregnant sex, love. Boo.' What sort of monster...? What sort of monster needs to be warned off his pregnant wife by a medical doctor? And he's a doctor! He should know. And he's a doctor! He should know. Yeah, it sucks when a doctor can't fuck his own patient. Am I right? Now, bride-versus-bride reality show Four Weddings USA can get pretty bitchy. But at least the contestants have fun ` you can tell by the natural way they laugh together. ALL: Life, liberty and the pursuit of a honeymoon! ALL LAUGH UNCOMFORTABLY Yes. You know your reality show has problems when even the laughter sounds scripted. It's like four brides go in and only one comes out. Or four weddings and the loser gets a funeral. That would be a better show. Well, you're our biggest TV nerd, Heidi. How does Four Weddings work? Well, you're our biggest TV nerd, Heidi. How does Four Weddings work? Uh, it is Come Dine With Me, but for weddings. But what I don't understand about it is... Come Dine With Me is you're having them around for dinner ` strangers around ` and they judge you. But with this one, it's... a wedding's quite a personal... Like, you'd know, cos you got married the other day. Like, you'd know, cos you got married the other day. It's true. Weddings are a real personal affair. Would you invite strangers around to bitch about your wedding? That's what I'm saying. Well, New Idea was there, but... Sometimes on this show we enjoy a clip so much, we feel compelled to give it an award. That's what we'll do in this next section of the show called Awards. First up... It goes to this guy, who is really expecting the worst. Luckily he's found the perfect weapon. If we're getting tipped out of balance, that's gonna create a lot of chaos on the Earth ` hurricanes and tornadoes and tidal waves and earthquakes. At the end of the day, you have to protect yourself. I am preparing for an EMP. Yes, if there's one thing that'll help against a tsunami, it's a bow and arrow. And camouflage. You can actually be, like, 'Here comes a giant wave. I'm a tree.' Wait for it to pass and be, like, 'Yeah! Fooled you, nature.' There's a correlation between people preparing for Armageddon and people who are really stupid in real life. He's all, like, 'I'll be laughing when I die alone in my bunker! I'll be the one!' How is no one talking about the fact that he didn't look when he fired the bow and arrow? There's some boom guy just out of shot going... The Reach for the Stars Award goes to Gary from a show called Fill Your House For Free. As we see in this clip, Gary is not afraid to dream big. If I could wave a magic wand and get you anything you wanted, what are the things that you're really desperate for? what are the things that you're really desperate for? Wardrobes. Ah, Gary. Wardrobes. I wonder, a second afterwards, if he was like, 'Wardr` Dishwasher! Fuck! 'The wardrobes or the dishes! Damn it!' 'We have to take your first wish, sir.' 'Stupid! Stupid!' It's kind of like he's really hyperimaginative, too, cos she really emphasises 'could'. Like, she's, like, 'If I could grant you any wish... I said could. I can't. But if I could...' He's just standing there, in his head going, 'Don't say wardrobes. Don't say wardrobes.' All right, coming up after the break ` we've got a deadly frying pan. Back soon on Best Bits. 1 Welcome back to Best Bits ` the best, worst and weirdest of the week's TV. Now, each week we're going to take a closer look at a TV topic that enthrals or maybe appals us. Tonight we're looking at shopping TV. When you work in advertising, your best two sales tools are sex and fear. When you're selling stone frying pans, sex isn't really an option. But somehow... somehow the sellers of Stonedine have found a way to scare you. Ordinary non-stick pans have chemical compounds in their coating that actually alter the original taste and can even leach toxins into your food. PTFE and PFOA ` the fumes they can release could lead to breathing problems and even pet deaths. Pet deaths? I guess, on the bright side, if you do kill your budgie, you can then cook it to restaurant quality with all the flavour of stone. When we first started watching that, I thought the scary bit was how burnt those fish fingers were. That was quite offensive. 'Chemicals can make you a worse cook!' Wow. That is an awesome voice, by the way. Can you do a bit more? 'Yes! Jesse Mulligan, this is your life.' Uh, 'Please let me back on the show after this...' There you go. I like the pleading infomercial guy. 'Please. I need some more work. What have you got?' I like to think about him at home with his wife. 'Don't leave me! You're all I've got!' Wow, that's so good. John Key has the nickname Teflon John. And everyone thought that's cos stories don't stick to him. But now we know it's because when he gets to a certain temperature, he kills small pets. Now, no matter how mature you think you are at home, there's no hiding what this sexually charged Good Morning demonstration makes you think of. Makes it taste delicious, and no calories to it. Egg whites, meringues ` does it in seconds. It's fantastic for whipping cream as well. That's just trim milk, and I think that is quite impressive. That's just trim milk, and I think that is quite impressive. Oh-ho-ho-ho! I want one now, Ian! You're holding one. He just gives her the milk. It was a pretty compelling demonstration, I thought. 20 seconds and he's done, though. It's not that impressive. He could have slowed down. He could have changed the motion; the angle. He could have slowed down. He could have changed the motion; the angle. Put on some music. Yeah, romanced it up. My nan's got one of these. But she's, like... Not Ian; one of those whisk-y things. But at Christmas, she was, like, 'Look at this. I'll make the cream for the Christmas pud.' Bam, bam. We were, like, in tears laughing. Like, 'What was that again?' And we made her whip, like, so much cream. We were, like, 'Do it as fast as you can, Nan!' She was, like... Making a noise and everything. A horrible insight into what your nan was like when she was younger. This is` This is a show called Comedians Who Have Forgotten this is TV ONE. Shopping Network presenters only have one emotion, and that emotion is blown away! In this clip, Geoff has his mind-blowingly messy wardrobe tidied up a bit. Let's take a look at the before shot. OK. One... BOTH: Two, three. (GASPS) Geoff! < ALL IMITATE GASP Now... Now... 'Geoff!' Now, check out the after shot. You won't even recognise the place. I am so excited for you to see this. Ready? I am so excited for you to see this. Ready? I am ready. One,... two,... three! That... is flat-out amazing! I haven't seen some of these shirts in... The pants! BOTH SHRIEK: Look at the pants! ALL SHRIEK ABOUT PANTS 'I've been walking around bottomless like a dickhead!' 'I haven't seen these shirts since your props department put them in this afternoon!' Is this`? This isn't the same guy as before, who could have anything in his house and had a wardrobe, is it? Cos that's the sort of excitement I'd expect when you had your dream thing put into your house. You would expect infomercials to be the king of before and after shots, right? But that hardly looked like anything had been changed. But that hardly looked like anything had been changed. ALL: What was she`? What was this? This is the shopping` I was gonna say, this is the shopping channel. What, this chick will come around to your house on Sunday for an hour and just fold some jeans? Advertorials work best when the presenter fully understands and cares passionately about what they're selling. Spot the moment when this presenter realises she still has five minutes to fill and knows absolutely nothing about the product. It will... really do everything you need it to do, but it's lightweight, fast, easy to use and affordable. It's the latest of the latest. I liked` I particularly liked her phrase, 'It's the latest of the latest.' You know you're in trouble, right, when you're` You know you're in trouble, right, when you're` She could have been selling anything with the adjectives she chose. 'It's good. It's... It works. It's a machine, dummy!' All right, coming up after the break ` some clips that haven't been seen on NZ telly before. And we'll show you two ape people having sex. You'll be surprised how much you enjoy it. 1 Welcome back to Best Bits ` the best, worst and weirdest of the week's TV. Before we continue, I've just had some exciting news. Apparently we have our panellist Rhys' mum in the audience tonight. Can we see if we can find her, please? Stand up, Rhys' mum. Mum?! I love you, Mum! She loves you too, Rhys. That's why she came to your show, sat at the back and kind of only raised her hand when we asked where she was. Yes, if you can't see Rhys' mum, you might be able to hear her. She's the one laughing after he talks. An earthquake struck Los Angeles this week during a live newscast. Now, I want you to see, in the audience, if you can spot the moment the anchorman's facial expression subtly changes. Ginger, thank you. Coming up, more problems for a troubled singer` Ginger, thank you. Coming up, more problems for a troubled singer` Earthquake! Yep. Yep. We're having an earthquake! THEME MUSIC CONTINUES OK, it appears to have stopped. OK, it appears to have stopped. Yep. OK, it appears to have stopped. Yep. Um, we're gonna... Americans ` such pussies. If that happened in NZ, Jim Hickey would have stood there like a rock star while the studio crumbled around him. People from Christchurch would have seen that clip and been, like, 'Oh, 4.2, 10km that way. Pussies. 'Don't even get under the desk any more for anything less than 6.' It was a good moment when he was really freaking out. It was like he was trying to freeze the earthquake. 'Hold on. We're doing a news broadcast.' Yeah, like... In terms of, like, televisual natural disasters, if I was a news reporter, I wouldn't move for anything less than a Seven Sharp on the Richter scale. Cos he's on... Cos he's on... I wouldn't say it was a good pun, but it was a pun. Come on, Rhys' mum! You know it's bad when even she doesn't laugh. Stand up now, Rhys' mum. OK, I think know what's going on here. Picture this. It's the cameraman's birthday, and the newsreaders want to take him out for his birthday and get him real drunk. And then, the next morning, he comes to work and he's a little bit shaky. And they're not allowed to tell anyone. Oh, that is a great idea. Is it possible to do that? Can we get a camera on Vaughan, and can we simulate an earthquake? Is that possible? Which camera am I on? It's important I know during a natural disaster! I have limited television appearance. I'd like everyone to note how brave Rhys and I just were. An... An amazing thing in that clip is how he just leaves that woman for dead, you know? Chivalry out the window. Earthquake, 'Later, bitch. I'm under the desk. 'And I need feet room!' Well, I hope you enjoyed our fake earthquake there. If there's one thing people in Christchurch enjoy, it's rich Aucklanders making fun of earthquakes. Now, an advert playing in the States. We're all familiar with our medicines having side effects, but you'd have to be a pretty brave person to try out this product. Call your doctor if you have fever, stiff muscles and confusion, as these may be signs of a life-threatening reaction; or if you have uncontrollable muscle movements, as these may become permanent. High blood-sugar has been reported with Latuda and medicines like it. In some cases, extreme high blood-sugar can lead to coma or death. Death? See, I think of death as not so much a side effect... The end effect. An end to all side effects. I feel like Latuda is for people who want to get better but also like a good game of Russian roulette. Like, if a James Bond villain was to give him a medicine, it would be Latuda. 'See how you cope with this, Mr Bond. Let's see if you can escape.' Now, Americans do suffer from an unfair stereotype. We sort of regard them as being a bit, I don't know, thick. But this advertisement for Finish dishwashing liquid takes explaining the basics to a whole new level. Powered by hydrogen peroxide action to give you sparkling results with less harsh chemicals than ever before. Because these are not just glasses; they're what your family drinks from. And these are not just idiots; these are idiots who don't know what glasses are for. Could I just` Before we go on from that commercial, what a beautifully stacked dishwasher. Just watch that ad a few times and see how to stack a dishwasher. Mwah! That was beautiful. Can I ask you this? This is something I argue about with my, um,... new wife from time to time. Do you put pots in the dishwasher? Cos I feel it obstructs the flow of the water. Yes! I'm against any, sort of, large water-flow-obstruction. Can I sub out for my mum? Cos I'm finding this boring, and she... Mum, how bad is Rhys at stacking the dishwasher? Mum, how bad is Rhys at stacking the dishwasher? < He wouldn't know where to start. Disappointing, Rhys. Cos I hand-wash everything. Pretty good son. I was trying to go for the spin there, and I fucked it up. I was trying to go for the spin there, and I fucked it up. That's what we call it ` 'hand-washing'. You know why that` You know why that` 'Mum! I'm hand-washing! Get out of here!' 'With my new whisk.' 'Have you got the whisk?' 'Yes, I do! I'm hand-washing. I'm hand-washing the creaming whisk!' 'You've been whipping that milk for three hours, Rhys.' 'You've been whipping that milk for three hours, Rhys.' 'It's a very light milk. 'I was misled by the infomercial. This takes a lot longer than a few seconds.' 'You've had that whisk in your bedroom for two weeks!' 'Hey, Rhys, do you want to come back from the UK and make a telly show?' 'Sure. Will anything bad happen?' 'No.' No. Here's two tickets ` give them to your parents. You won't regret it. Well, that's Best Bits for our first week. Thank you so much to our audience, to our panel, and thank you for watching. We'll leave you tonight with this, the moment BBC Knowledge crossed the line into caveman soft porn. It's the Best Bits clip of the week. Unlike just about every other mammal on the planet, Australopithecus mate face to face. Walking upright has changed the orientation of the pelvis and, as a result, of the female sexual organs too. Ray has just noticed and isn't having any of it. Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014