Captions by Pippa Jefferies. Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014 AUDIENCE CHEERS Good evening. Welcome to Best Bits, the show with the best, worst and weirdest of the week's TV. I'm Jesse Mulligan. Let's meet the panel. Next to me, forget Mein Kampf, he's got a signed copy of 50 Shades of Grey. It's Vaughan Smith. AUDIENCE CHEERS Beside him, she watches so much TV, she thinks Simon Dallow is her dad. Heidi O'Loughlin. AUDIENCE CHEERS AUDIENCE CHEERS Yeah. He's a comedian, TV host and author of the book Murder in Mississippi. Sadly, he's also Australian. Please welcome the brilliant John Safran. Sadly, he's also Australian. Please welcome the brilliant John Safran. AUDIENCE CHEERS And he's made it big in the UK, but success isn't real until you come back to NZ and rub it in the faces of your friends. It's Rhys Mathewson. > It's Rhys Mathewson. > AUDIENCE CHEERS Let's start with some of our favourite clips from the week. First up, some people say that Kiwi blokes aren't romantic, but those people obviously didn't watch Motorway Patrol this week. The impending fines can't put our driver off his good intentions for the night. He has proposal of his own. Babe? Babe? Yeah? What are you gonna say? We've been together for ages. I've been a real dick, but you've kept on with me. And I love you heaps. Will you marry me? LAUGHTER That's so romantic. (MUTTERS) Yes, if you've just tuned in, that was the exciting finale of The Bachelor South Auckland. We've got some kind of quota thing in Australia where we have to run a certain amount of NZ shows, and they're always those cop-style shows, so the total perception of everyone in Australia is all NZers are, like, drunk and violent. And, in fact, I'm sure one of you is just gonna kind of, like, glass me sometime during this show. Like, a year into my study in the UK, I was feeling really homesick and I found myself hungover at, like, 11 o'clock in the morning, when they play Motorway Patrol, so I sat there and watched two episodes, bawling my eyes out, going, 'I love that piece of road!' LAUGHTER Now I feel like now Police Ten 7 are gonna try and keep up and be, like, 'How would you feel about marrying the man who robbed your dairy?' Does anyone know why he was pulled over? Yeah, um, he had no warrant of fitness, he had no registration, and he was on his restricted licence. Mm. So, what, you want restricted license? Try a marriage licence. Mm. So, what, you want restricted license? Try a marriage licence. LAUGHTER Just married? How long have you been married now? Two weeks? Just married? How long have you been married now? Two weeks? Three weeks, yeah. Already up on the tightrope. All right, to British quiz show Eggheads now, which shows that when finding contestants for a game show, the most important thing is diversity. I'm Diane. I'm 56, and I'm a retired civil servant. I'm John. I'm 50, and I'm a civil servant. Hi, I'm John. I'm 35, and I'm a civil servant. I'm John. I'm 39, and I'm a civil servant. Hello. I'm also John. I'm 54, and I'm also a civil servant. LAUGHTER Yes, there's nothing worse than turning on the TV and seeing yet another panel of four white guys. Vaughan, John, Rhys, what do you think? Vaughan, John, Rhys, what do you think? LAUGHTER I was making fun of them, then I realised I work for the Australian government broadcaster, so I'm John, and I am a civil servant. so I'm John, and I am a civil servant. LAUGHTER It's like a big game of Guess Who, except you're either gonna win or lose on the first move. 'Are you... John? 'Yes, I am.' (IMITATES CARDS TICKING) I've only` I've watched Eggheads a bit as well, and I've only seen them lose once. That was when the Eggheads didn't know that udon noodles are called udon noodles. But they're so clever that that seemed kind of racist. But they're so clever that that seemed kind of racist. Right. (LAUGHS) 'I don't know what the Japanese noodles are called. We're gonna call them kemosabe.' LAUGHTER All right, now an exciting moment for me. I get to introduce our first Seven Sharp clip. Seven Sharp ` just another TV show I work on, John. No biggie. Very popular. Critics love it. LAUGHTER This one was sent in to us by Freya on Twitter. And it's often said that dog is man's best friend. You might feel differently if you were one of the swimmers in this race. And tonight is the last one, so we've sent our water boy Dean Butler along to see what it's all about. LAUGHTER Hey, and if you've ever tried to do your business in heavy surf while 300 elite athletes run past you, you'll realise it's a very special dog. I've seen the same thing happening at The Mount at New Year's, and it was a human. It wasn't a dog, and it was disgusting. Dean Butler, god bless him, gets those quirky stories on Seven Sharp. What do you get? What do you get? Um, I get, um, whatever's still left remaining at the end of the day once everyone's taken what they want. Thanks, Freya. If you spot something on TV that's worth making fun of, make sure you let us know. Now, some people say the Kiwi accent is one of the hardest in the world to understand, but those people have obviously never visited Yorkshire, the home of Emmerdale. Here's a game we've organised for the audience ` see how many words you can understand in this clip. MUMBLES: Mm, so is that...? (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) Not really. Not really. Well, thank God for that. Ex-boyfriend of mine at uni taught me to... (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) (MUMBLES) (MUMBLES) Yeah, it's good. LAUGHTER Yeah, somewhere a lip-reader just killed themselves. Yeah, somewhere a lip-reader just killed themselves. LAUGHTER I found it very unrealistic, cos I don't know anyone with the confidence to eat on white sheets. I know white sheets. I fall asleep next to half a Snickers; next thing Room Service think I've shit myself. Yeah, I was worried about the mess as well, but they look like a couple who would leave crumbs in the bed, even if they weren't eating a sandwich. There must be classy, romantic affairs in Yorkshire, though. I mean, what was that, like the 'end of the day' Subway sandwich? Just a $3 special for a 6-inch and back off to bed for a little bubbly and a sub. And another 6-inch. And another 6-inch. LAUGHTER OK... OK... LAUGHTER Time for us to give out a few awards now to those TV moments worthy of special commendation. First up, the award for Inappropriate Multitasking goes to Breakfast weather hunk Sam Wallace, who managed to pay tribute to his co-host Nadine while simultaneously treating an Olympic hero like a 4-year-old. Um, Nadine, we're gonna miss you, man. You're an amazing asset to this team. Um, you know, and... Can you take him seriously? Can you take him seriously? That's Mark Todd on the back. Now, I know Mark Todd was in the news many years ago for an allegation about his partying. Well, I think that clip clearly shows he's on the wagon. Well, I think that clip clearly shows he's on the wagon. LAUGHTER The Doing The Hard Yards Award goes to Toby from Shortland Street for trying to smash down the door when there's a perfectly good window half a metre away. Hold on! I'm coming! Hold on! I'm coming! Stay there! Kane, I can't get in! Keep trying! Keep trying! I can't do it! LAUGHTER Yeah, he found that chair in the corner of the room next to the axe and the sledgehammer. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER They can't break a glass window. Those are very expensive to replace, and Shortland Street's got eight months of the year left. They can't blow their budget before the Christmas cliffhanger. They can't blow their budget before the Christmas cliffhanger. LAUGHTER That fire was rubbish-bin size, and everyone was just shitting themselves, panicking. Basic training would have done them great. I don't know who The IV's fire warden is, but he needed to take responsibility of the situation, assess, remove people, acquire a fire extinguisher, extinguish the blaze. You're welcome, Shortland Street. LAUGHTER Now, the Low Budget Props Award goes to these takeaway coffee cups on Coronation Street. Listen closely. They clearly haven't even bothered to put liquid in them. Sorry again about tonight, but we're fully up against it over there. There you go. Six teas. There you go. Six teas. HOLLOW TAP There you go. Six teas. HOLLOW TAP You've sorted summat out, yeah? Well, I think let's just be completely honest, right? We've been caught out. Uh, we should tell everyone that every single cup on television ever is completely empty, like this. There is absolutely no water in it whatsoever. See, look, look. Bone dry. Bone dry. We're just gonna go away and fix that microphone. We're just gonna go away and fix that microphone. LAUGHTER Only 400 bucks apiece, Rhys. Whatever (!) It's TVNZ's. Who gives a fuck (?) Might as well treat it like a rental car. Time now for a break on Best Bits. Back soon with the US version of Outrageous Fortune. See you soon. AUDIENCE CHEERS AUDIENCE CHEERS Hello, and welcome back to Best Bits, where we make fun of all the stuff on TV. Rhys has not dried out during the break, so he's gonna have to look like that for the rest of the show. In our topic of the week, we're taking a look at the hit-and-miss world of television remakes. Now, when NZ remakes a popular American show, things just have to be done on the cheap, but that doesn't mean our version has any less pizazz. Let's compare a MasterChef box challenge. This most beautiful, the freshest... king salmon. KNOCK AT DOOR LAUGHTER So, a box arrives. It may have interesting things in it. Hey, guys. We've got a delivery. LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE You know, the worst thing is that old box just won the TV Guide award for best presenter. Even that knock at the door had a Kiwi accent, eh. 'Knock, knock, knock! We are here with a box!' I love the stark comparison. They had a box with two fish facing, ice in the background. It was like a specially made box. They flipped it up. Our one's the same box that they gave Ben Lummis' recording contract in from the first season of NZ Idol, so that box has had some mileage. You know we're gonna reuse it too. It's gonna be the box they use to light the hangi or... It would be a tragic end to the box. It's done many years in NZ television. The same box Jason Gunn stood on in Dancing with the Stars. The same box Jason Gunn stood on in Dancing with the Stars. LAUGHTER And why`? I don't know what was in that box, cos I didn't see that episode, but I hope it wasn't fish, cos that looked like it had been standard posted, not even overnight courier. What was in it was coconuts. Oh, how'd you know that? > Oh, how'd you know that? > Cos I watch MasterChef. Oh, how'd you know that? > Cos I watch MasterChef. Oh, spoiler alert. LAUGHTER In Australia, you have, um, Junior MasterChef, which I love. It is so good. It feels a bit manipulative. There's 11-year-olds having to deal with being rejected. I first thought you said Jew MasterChef. I was like bagels, Gefilte fish, matzo ball soup. You're the only Jewish one on the panel, so you're the only one safe to make jokes about this. I've got about a hundred, but I'm gonna leave it alone. The first rule of remakes is if it ain't broke, don't fix it. The Americans have yet to learn that rule, as we'll see by comparing the opening of the Kiwi show Outrageous Fortune with the US version of the same scene. Shh, shh, Wolf. Mm. Mm. It's all under control. Mm. Mm. Would you shut up and fuck me? TENSE MUSIC Don't forget to shred the tracking numbers. Don't forget to shred the tracking numbers. Wolf, shut up and get on top of me. UPBEAT MUSIC SIRENS WAIL LAUGHTER OK, so let's play spot the difference. First thing I noticed ` no F-word, no bare bottom and a lot more police. LAUGHTER They had three police cars. (HIGH-PITCHED) Ooh, someone's got a budget to make their TV show. LAUGHTER I've always wondered how do you get`? On NZ television shows, how do you get a police car? Eh? Eh? How do you get a police car? What do you mean? What do you mean? Do you ring up the police and say, 'Are you busy?' And they're, like, 'Nah, no murders today.' 'Sweet. Can we, like, borrow you guys for 10 to 15? Or do you just set up your filming thing at, like, 100 The Number Rd, and you say, 'There's been a murder at 105,' then they go screaming past.' You're, like, 'And we got it,' so... 'That doesn't cost us anything. And break for smoko.' Right? What about those American films where a woman's meant to be unattractive, like you're meant to follow that, but they're just hot but wearing glasses? Have you seen Miss Congeniality, where like all these policemen are walking past 'ugly' Sandra Bullock, going, you know, 'Yeah, she's a real dog, that one.' I should say I remember that precise storyline on Neighbours. Anyone remember plain Jane from Neighbours a few years ago? It was the same sort of thing, then she was Kylie Minogue's friend, and then she was like... 'It's amazing.' Do you think a couple of years ago was when Kylie Minogue was on Neighbours? Yeah, it actually would have been about '89. What's that? Yeah, it actually would have been about '89. What's that? A couple years ago ` 1988. > 25 years ago. God, that is depressing. A couple of 12 years ago ` that's what I said. Now, this Indian remake of the hit show 24 not only delivers on the action-packed original, but amazingly their version of Jack Bauer is even more of a trigger-happy tough guy than the real thing. DRAMATIC MUSIC MEN SHOUT DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES LAUGHTER I thought it was pretty nice for the bad guys to stand around and wait to get shot. I would have loved it if he'd gone for the shot, one bad guy moved, and he'd gone, 'We said no ducking!' LAUGHTER I actually watched that season of Indian 24, and about halfway through... LAUGHTER LAUGHTER No, that's` that's what it was called ` Indian 24. They kept it pretty simple, but halfway through the 12 hours ` that was actually the 12-hour bit ` and they just did a play-by-play of the one-day cricket match, and he batted and bowled really well, and it rated through the roof. and he batted and bowled really well, and it rated through the roof. LAUGHTER We'll take a break now and be back with our favourite clips from around the world, including a clip that will ruin Star Wars for you forever. See you soon. including a clip that will ruin Star Wars for you forever. See you soon. AUDIENCE CHEERS AUDIENCE CHEERS Welcome back to Best Bits. It's time to take a look at some clips from around the world. First up, a show called American Airgunner, which is all about people who love airguns. A lot of people say that it's not as hardcore as a real gun show. This week they proved the haters wrong with a raw display of power. Those are the basics of how to shoot at high speed, but why don't we go shoot something with a little bit more bang? What do you say? Ready? Ready? Yeah. Ready? Yeah. Stand by. Three, two, one. LAUGHTER Wow, you really taught that piece of red cardboard a lesson. He said, 'We'll try something with more bang.' He should have said, 'We'll try something with more... (WHOOSHES)' If he's gonna step it up to have a bigger bang, what was he shooting before paper? I was wondering that. > He had a felt and it was hollowed out and some soggy wet paper in it. He was like... I also like how he's wearing camos so the paper can't see him. I also like how he's wearing camos so the paper can't see him. LAUGHTER That is essential when you're shooting at paper. Hunting the endangered A5 piece of red paper. (BLOWS RASPBERRY) Let's travel to middle America now, where the most touching father-daughter moments come when you least expect them. Take this land, where nothing of interest ever happens. This land, though, it doesn't keep our cities apart. It holds them together. LAUGHTER You know, I feel like this is a dream where the father's gonna wake up and suddenly go back to angrily wishing he had a son. There's this hunting show that we have in Australia that's from NZ, and it's, like, Maoris and they go hunting with guns and then the dogs go over and lick the boars. What's that show? What's that show? It sounds really racist when an Australian describes it. When you're talking about hunting with your indigenous people. Writing advertising jingles is a bit of a tough job, but at least in this one coming up, they don't have to worry about memorising the lyrics. Our firm has over 50 experienced lawyers who have helped thousands of injured people get the settlements they deserve. With our no-fee promise, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. # Cellino and Barnes injury attorneys. # Call 8-8-8-8-8-8-8. # Don't wait. Call 8. Yes. Sadly, if you're stupid enough to hire these two lawyers, you may not be smart enough to remember the phone number. Cos their jingle used to be 'just push 8 until you hear voices',... Cos their jingle used to be 'just push 8 until you hear voices',... LAUGHTER ...but, unfort... But, unfortunately, too many of their clients already hear voices. LAUGHTER One thing we've consistently learnt on this show is that US TV shows are bigger, they're better and they're brighter. Only Americans could come up with a concept like Best Funeral Ever. RICHARD WAGNER'S 'WEDDING MARCH' PLAYS You may be seated. > Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to reunite these two urns into eternal matrimony. LAUGHTER I'm a fairly traditional guy, and as I know from my favourite book, the Bib-le, it's Adam and Eve, not Ashes and Steve, so I don't think that's a legally binding holy matrimony. I think it's just a case of dress for the job you want, and in their case that job was still being alive. The thing that's really scary is reality TV, they usually contrive these situations, but that's like a real thing. There's a real funeral home that does that for people, even if cameras aren't shooting it, which kind of makes it even more insane. It just means` And now there's a TV production outside saying, 'Move that hearse.' And now there's a TV production outside saying, 'Move that hearse.' LAUGHTER This is a series ` Best Funerals Ever. What else have they`? Has anybody seen this? Yeah, they do a bowling one at this bowling alley, where they put the coffin on these, like, wheels and they push it down so Grandma gets to have her final strike of the pins. That's what she would have wanted. Me and Heidi have a funeral story, which is that we have been very good friends for a very long time. We went to high school together. We once did improv at a funeral. Comedy improv. > Comedy improv. It was a friend of ours who was` tragically died quite young, and his family went, 'Hey, can you do improv at the funeral?' and you can't say no. And so you're there in front of 2000 grieving children, going, 'Can I please have an occupation?' Were you getting laughs? Were you getting laughs? Yeah. Well, I don't want to say we killed it. LAUGHTER That's our show for another week. My thanks to our panellists, our studio audience and everyone watching at home. Before we go, if you're a fan of Star Wars and you're a fan of having your childhood memories shattered, you'll love this next clip. The actor Billy Dee Williams played wise-cracking coolio Lando Calrissian in The Empire Strikes back. Find out where it all went wrong on this clip from US Dancing with the Stars. It's our Best Bits clip of the week. (BEEPS, WHISTLES) DISCO VERSION OF THE 'STAR WARS' THEME PLAYS LAUGHTER