www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014 APPLAUSE Hello, good evening, and welcome to Best Bits ` all the best, worst and weirdest of the week's TV. I'm Jesse Mulligan, and joining me on the panel tonight, he's got the broad popular appeal of fluoride in the water supply, it's Vaughan Smith. Next to him ` actor, mother, writer, lover. She was voted new film-maker of the year last year, and this is where it's got her ` Jackie Van Beek. He was a big part of Best Bits last year, but we've decided to invite him back anyway. It's Matt Heath. And if you see just one NZ comedian called Rhys this year, make sure it's Rhys Darby, not Rhys Mathewson. Nice to have you here. As always, we'll start with some of our favourite clips from the week. When you work on the news, getting a bit of banter going with your fellow newsreaders is not as easy as it looks. That's what TV3's sporto boofhead Hamish McKay found out this week when he tried out a new nickname on Mike McRoberts. Ross McNorton, 3 News. Those McRoberts boys, they'd have a bit of hand speed, wouldn't they, Mikey? In our dreams, I think. In our dreams, I think. Eh, Mikey? In our dreams, I think. Eh, Mikey? (CHUCKLES) That's a new one. That's a new one. All right, OK, moving on. LAUGHTER Can I say this? Mike McRoberts is a great talent, he's one of the nicest people I've ever met, but I would like to spend a few seconds with the panel discussing his hair recently. I don't know if you've noticed. Have you noticed this, audience? I don't know if you've noticed. Have you noticed this, audience? AUDIENCE: Yep. Before the show, I arranged a bit of a before and after, so can we take a look at this? So, uh, on the, uh... So, uh, on the, uh... LAUGHTER ...on the right is Mike McRoberts tonight on the news, and on the left is Mike McRoberts yesterday. and on the left is Mike McRoberts yesterday. LAUGHTER It's been` It's been` It's been` It's been` Wow. It's been super progressive. I was, like, 'Oh, he's going grey. He looks so distinguished. 'He looks like`' I think Maori gentleman look so... wise. Like Winston Peters. Oh, it's a bad example. Like Winston Peters. Oh, it's a bad example. LAUGHTER I just wonder if he's using too much of Hilary's shampoo. Are you sure that this is not the pot calling the kettle grey, Jesse? Eh, Jesse? Eh, Jesse? All right. Eh, Jesse? All right. When you say... 2013 was a tough year. 2013 was a tough year. LAUGHTER When you say 'using Hilary's shampoo', are they an item? Are they partners? No, at TV3, it's in receivership, I can imagine them having one shower, a bit of Timotei up there. LAUGHTER TVNZ star Peter Williams has been on our TV screens forever. The most important thing when you're a man of his stature is not to look like you're just hanging around waiting to get fed. I'd like that scone with the raspberry and cream. Fastest pudding in the west ` s'gone. Fastest pudding in the west ` s'gone. POSH VOICE: Scone. Anyway... Thank you. You're welcome. Yeah, it's a` it's a new approach. From now on, Breakfast is just going to be three people eating breakfast. I liked at the very start how he took so long to pick the sweet he wanted. He was like a stoner at the bakery looking for the perfect scroll with the most icing. He was, like, 'That one? Yeah, that one, that one.' LAUGHS: Yeah. (SNORTS) LAUGHS: Yeah. (SNORTS) And then Rawdon busts out his 'fastest dessert in the west', which makes no sense, and Pete hangs around for an explanation. He's, like,... LAUGHTER LAUGHTER 'Just might go over... 'I'll be` I'm going to have a think about that one.' 'I'll be` I'm going to have a think about that one.' LAUGHTER All right, let's do another clip now. The show Cake Boss celebrates the art of cake making. They'll make you the cake of your dreams, no matter what those dreams happen to be. If our grandfather could see this now, he'd be so proud. If our grandfather could see this now, he'd be so proud. God bless you. Now all they need is a stripper to jump out of it dressed as a toilet duck. LAUGHTER I hope when Grandad` if Grandad does see that cake, that somebody's with him, cos the mix of his dementia and cataracts, he's gonna end up taking a shit in the cake. GROANING, LAUGHTER Look, I saw this show with my kids, and now my kids have been desperate for a toilet cake birthday cake. They're desperate. I'm not a great, cake maker, but I said I can make a long drop ` like a hole with maybe some chocolate bananas. LAUGHTER My dad is a qualified cake decorator. My dad is a qualified cake decorator. Is he really? Yeah, and he was a netball coach. There were lots of question marks over him growing up. I'd be really honoured if my kids thought they were going to honour me with a toilet, because I spend a lot of time in the toilet, as a lot of dads do. I enjoy my time on the it. I spend a lot of time playing video games, maybe take the guitar in. I spend a lot of time playing video games, maybe take the guitar in. LAUGHTER And if I've been playing Lego with my kids, they start bringing the Lego in to sit round the toilet. They come in and go, 'Dad, when are you getting off the toilet?' I'm, like, 'Not for a while.' So we sit and have this whole thing in the toilet while I'm doing my business. Your toilet must be quite palatial, because our toilet, you couldn't hold a guitar like that. You'd have to play it sideways. Maybe a recorder. > LAUGHS: Yeah, definitely. A flute, you'd have to go up on the angle. LAUGHS: Yeah, definitely. A flute, you'd have to go up on the angle. A double bass, like a big... I have been on the phone to my husband, Jesse ` not yourself ` um... LAUGHTER I don't know. I want this investigated. I don't know. I want this investigated. It's a good idea to tell me, cos you never know when I'll jump into bed looking for some action. How great would it be if you opened up New Idea, going, 'What?!' How great would it be if you opened up New Idea, going, 'What?!' 'I've had another child.' If he's answered the phone at home, then I have heard mid conversation a flush. Do you do that? I never talk on the phone when on the toilet. And you can tell on the other end because of the echo-y nature. And you can tell on the other end because of the echo-y nature. He doesn't try to hide it. It's OK to answer the phone on the toilet but not to ring out. It's not your fault they ring you on the toilet. You can answer it. Don't say where you are. You've just got to break the ice straight away. Answer the phone ` no hello. 'I'm taking a shit.' Oh, it's my agent. Oh, it's my agent. Or I'm in a stairwell. '(GRUNTS) These stairs are so big.' '(GRUNTS) These stairs are so big.' LAUGHTER, GROANING All right, hey, it's time now for our weekly awards on Best Bits. First up, the Sylvester Stallone award for slurring goes to muscled-up penis owner Ben Mitchell from Shortland Street. goes to muscled-up penis owner Ben Mitchell from Shortland Street. LAUGHTER It must be hard for actors learning those lines on Shortland Street each day, but as Ben shows here, if you ever forget your words, you can always just mumble and hope that no one notices. That video of Tillie arriving at daycare. MUMBLES: When she did the dance for the teacher, but she wouldn't start till she knew I was filming her. LAUGHTER Come on, mate, you're getting paid 4000 bucks a week. Would it kill you to open your mouth when you talk? Jackie, have you ever acted on Shortland Street? I have acted twice on Shortland Street for` That's more than most actors on Shortland Street. That's more than most actors on Shortland Street. Yeah, correct. LAUGHTER They are on every night, but I've never seen a lot of them do it. They are on every night, but I've never seen a lot of them do it. APPLAUSE Unfortunately, which I do find` Like, I was on for a six-week stint, for my first role then was invited back for a four- or five-week stint, but clearly I was so unmemorable from the first one, I was a completely different character, which` What was your character? What was your name? What was your character? What was your name? Uh, I can't remember my name. My` LAUGHTER Our next award. Well, the Hormones Award for creepiest stare goes to this boy from Neighbours. Watch as he forgets to act for 30 seconds and just enjoys his co-star's body. How, um`? How was Santiago? How, um`? How was Santiago? Oh, it was gorgeous. I wish I could've stayed longer. Oh, yeah. And you settled Jared in OK? All his meetings went well? Yeah, absolutely. It was fantastic seeing him in action. Anyway, I'm sorry for barging in. I was supposed to drop these files off at the office, but... LAUGHTER I feel bad for this kid, cos that wasn't a storyline in the show at all. Wasn't it? Wasn't it? No. That was just a 14-year-old child actor dealing with some urges and not having the finesse to perv quietly. dealing with some urges and not having the finesse to perv quietly. LAUGHTER I mean, the poor director actually changed shots so he wasn't in there, and the boy moved into it. LAUGHTER OK, the Edmund Hillary award for climbing goes to Jendy Harper from Campbell Live. Sometimes when filming current affairs, things just aren't quite as dangerous when you turn up and see them for yourself, like this doorstep. Wow, that took some effort, Maria. What's gone wrong with your door? Uh, it's a bit stuck. Uh, it's a bit stuck. It's a bit stuck? And I'm gonna need a hand up here, because this step is on an incredible angle, and it never used to be like this, I bet. You wouldn't buy a place with a step like that. You wouldn't buy a place with a step like that. Uh, no. LAUGHTER I love` love the initial, 'What's happened to your door?' And she's just, like, 'I'm in fucking Christchurch, bitch. An earthquake! 'Have you not been watching the news? You work on it! Obviously!' I feel sorry for her, because the camera guy has rocked up, knocked on the door, she's had to jimmy open the door, let him in. He's, like, 'Oh, let's jam the door shut again.' She was just straight up rude. I generally start a conversation with 'hello', not, 'Why the F did you buy this place?' not, 'Why the F did you buy this place?' LAUGHTER 'Yeah, you oughta do a bit of maintenance around here. This whole city's bloody up the shit. 'Just piles of bricks everywhere, your roads are fucked, no one gives a shit about their fences any more. 'Why is no one proud of this city?' 'Why is no one proud of this city?' LAUGHTER We'll take a break now on Best Bits. We're back with some racist reality TV stars next in our Topic of the Week. See you soon. MEAT SIZZLES Let me tell you about our aged beef. Let me tell you about our aged beef. Oh, not again. Let me tell you about our aged beef. Oh, not again. Come on, act lively. Uh... Now, the only thing that should go into red meat is green grass. (PANTS) Oh Jeez, you're fit. (PANTS) Oh Jeez, you're fit. Steady on. But we don't stop there. We've had some smart buggers develop a consistent grading system. Yeah. Nature makes our beef taste great, but it's our master graders that pick the best for your plate. MOMENTOUS MUSIC 1 OK, welcome back to Best Bits, where we make fun of all the week's TV. Each week we take an in-depth look at one particular style of television in our Topic of the Week, and tonight our topic is competitive reality shows. Some of the best drama comes when you put together two contestants with nothing in common. In Beauty and the Geek Australia, this geek faces an uphill battle getting his beauty ready for the science fair challenge. Um,... atom. Don't go overboard. You always do that. You know, when you, like overload me and use big words. LAUGHTER She's not as stupid as she makes out. I mean, she said the word 'overboard'. That's three syllables. O...ver...board. Atom's only two. Was she smart enough not to need to clap out words? Was she smart enough not to need to clap out words? LAUGHTER O...ver...board. Um, I haven't seen Beauty and the Geek, but I think I'd feel quite sorry for the geeks on that show. Seemed quite a horrible premise. Seemed quite a horrible premise. Yeah, there's a problem with Beauty and the Geeks. The beauties are often not beautiful enough to be called beauties, and the geeks are often too good looking to be the geeks. Alcohol promo girl and the unpopular guy at school. That would be a better way of, sort of, identifying who's who on that show. Hey, you guys are all laughing at her cos she doesn't know that much about physics. Does anyone here know the speed of sound` uh, speed of light? LAUGHTER So there's a smoking hot nanoscientist dating Bradley Cooper? So there's a smoking hot nanoscientist dating Bradley Cooper? LAUGHTER Who are you? Who are you? You got me. That is a very good-looking couple for our... by our show's standards. That is a very good-looking couple for our... by our show's standards. LAUGHTER If you have a look in the audience to see the rest of these pigs, you realise. LAUGHTER Just joking. Just joking. How come you two are so good looking? Can you answer that? And why are you fucking each other? Give the rest of us a go. And why are you fucking each other? Give the rest of us a go. LAUGHTER Which one do you want? I'll take Bradley. You have the girl. Which one do you want? I'll take Bradley. You have the girl. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. Are you even together? He might be with that guy in the hat. Are you even together? He might be with that guy in the hat. LAUGHTER He's so good. He's so good. JACKIE: I love it. Now, in any competitive reality show, you need a villain. See if you in the audience can pick the bad guy on Great British Menu. In a couple of minutes I'll flip those out, and then I'll just pan-fry the face nice and gently so you get a golden colour on it. LAUGHTER Can I stop you there? I find it baldist that you're assuming he's the bad guy because he's got no hair. That's a very... What else made him evil? Well, you're the bad guy of this panel. Well, you're the bad guy of this panel. I know. Watch this. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER < That's a shoo-in. LAUGHTER < That's a shoo-in. < JACKIE: Yeah, that's good. I feel kinda bad, cos we're just making fun of this guy. He didn't choose to look like a henchman, and we're being mean, and he spends his entire life everywhere he goes going, 'Please no one get suspiciously murdered.' LAUGHTER Well, Dating in the Dark turns the usual dating show on its head by turning off the lights. And if you thought the contestants on the US version were classy, wait till you meet the Australians. Well, I'm a divorcee, but, look, I wanna have a good time. I'm just willing to get a grope, cos it's been so long. LAUGHTER Yep, screw the romance, I just came here to get assaulted in the dark by a stranger. LAUGHTER Have you watched this show? So they go into, like, a decent-sized cupboard and shut the door, and infrared cameras go on ` those ones that Paris Hilton used in that movie she made ` and... < MATT: Good movie. < MATT: Good movie. ...your eyes light up, like you're a rat or something when you're in there. It actually makes them look absolutely horrible. But then in the dark, they're, like, 'Oh, you seem nice,' and the lights go on, and they're, like, 'Urgh! 'Urgh! 'Ooh.' And the last half of the show's just all these horrible people. And the last half of the show's just all these horrible people. I know. > OK, when you're getting to know the contestants on a reality show, actions speak louder than words. This guy on The Amazing Race says some nice stuff about a foreign country, and then he just sort of ruins it. Your place is beautiful, man. I mean, beautiful. LAUGHTER That would have been a much more affective spit if he'd wound the window down first. LAUGHTER I love The Amazing Race. It's like some TV exec has thought to themselves, 'How can we make travelling with a partner more tense?' 'How can we make travelling with a partner more tense?' LAUGHTER I'd rather do The Amazing Race with my wife than ever play another game of Cranium with her. That gets tense. That gets tense. That's horrible. This is how my wife plays it. 'Don't know that one. 'Don't know that one. Never heard of that. Don't know what that is. Can't make that one.' And then I'll be humming, and I'll be killing it with, like, you know, a bit of Beach Boys, and she'll be, like, 'Don't know it. Don't know that song.' I'd rather do The Amazing Race cos if times got tough, I'd just leave her behind. Then when she finally gets one, 'You know this. You know this. Mm-hm, you know this. 'You know this.' All right, you can tell a lot about a contestant on a reality show by how they react to new experiences, like here in The Amazing Race where the contestants encounter the African locals for the first time. The race has gone tribal. Definitely a remote location. Uh-oh, natives. LAUGHTER Surely, if history has taught us anything, it's that natives should be saying, 'Uh-oh, white people.' LAUGHTER It's exactly what Kate and William said when they were flying into Wellington this week. 'Uh-oh, natives.' 'Uh-oh, natives.' LAUGHTER We'll take a break now on Best Bits. We'll be back with a guy who can read the minds of babies next. See you soon. 1 Welcome back to Best Bits. It's time now once again to look at the TV we don't get to see in our clips from around the world. The American show Turkey Thugs celebrates a group of tough guys taking on the most dangerous predator of all ` the turkey. We're Turkey Thugs. We're Turkey Thugs. Turkey Thugs. We're Turkey Thugs. Turkey Thugs. Turkey Thugs. Today's hunters uniting for good. We're Turkey Thugs. We're Turkey Thugs. Turkey Thugs. Are you? Are you? Are you? Are you? Are you? Are you? LAUGHTER Yes, five men in camouflage shooting at bird life. Watch out, NZ Army. Someone's stealing your gig. I like in the segment there we just played, he says, 'We're Turkey Thugs. Are you?' I was, like, 'No.' And then he asked again, 'Are you?' And I was, like, 'Maybe I am.' LAUGHTER LAUGHTER And then he goes, 'Are you?' 'Damn right, I'm a Turkey Thug! Whoo!' And it was just war on turkeys. He asked me three times. I couldn't help but convert. You didn't choose the Turkey Thug life; the Turkey Thug life chose you. Next up, Kiwis watching TV overseas always get a bit of a buzz when our little country is mentioned. Often the buzz doesn't last long. The country of NZ is voting on whether to change their flag. Yeah. Apparently NZ's current flag is just a sign that says, 'No, no, no. You're thinking of Australia, actually. It's not us. We're not Australia.' < Boo. Ironically if Conan had said NZ one more time, we would have put him on the flag. LAUGHTER You were saying NZers, we love hearing our name, and we're like, 'Yeah! We kind of are thinking about that.' And then that, 'You son of a bitch!' Like, two seconds later we were so ready to knife him. Yeah, my gut reaction was, like, 'Ha, ha, ha, very funny. 'But maybe we should change it to a picture of us decimating our indigenous peoples. 'Oh, no, wait that's America or Australia. Your move, Conan.' LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Hardcore, hardcore. The best flag in the world is Mozambique's. It's just got an AK47 on it. I'm not kidding. The country next door's got a turkey on their flag. The country next door's got a turkey on their flag. LAUGHTER Some of our favourite clips are from American pharmaceutical advertising. There are some real wonder-drugs out there, but before you rush out and buy, make sure you listen to the side effects. Do not drink alcohol in excess with Cialis. Side effects may include headache, upset stomach, delayed backache or muscle ache. To avoid long-term injury, seek immediate medical help for an erection lasting more than four hours. LAUGHTER Don't worry, if I was still going after four hours, I think my wife would be calling someone for help. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Four-hour erections are wasted on the old. When you're 17, you could rock a four-hour erection and be happy to spend the time with it, but when you're old, you know, ruins their bones and stuff. It's just cutting into you're Downtown Abbey time. It's just cutting into you're Downtown Abbey time. LAUGHTER That's not to say one can't enjoy an erection and Downtown Abbey simultaneously. It's not exactly promoting the drug, though. It's not going to be great sex. You've got chest pain, you've got diarrhoea, you've got` You've got chest pain, you've got diarrhoea, you've got` (LAUGHS) Just how many pubescent boys are watching that ad and just get terrified? They hear, 'If an erection lasts more than four hours...' 'Hello, Doctor? 'Yeah, it's been like that for, like, two years.' 'Yeah, it's been like that for, like, two years.' LAUGHTER JACKIE: Have you been erect for two years as a child? Yep. Yep. LAUGHTER Yep. LAUGHTER That is such a lie. Are you erect now? Lady never tells. Lady never tells. LAUGHTER Let me clarify with you. A lady can never tell? LAUGHTER AUDIENCE APPLAUDS Well, now a clip from one of our new favourite shows. It's called Best Funeral Ever. The job on this show is to create a funeral perfectly suited to the dead person's interests. But not everyone's interests are well suited to a funeral. Quinton loved breakfast. He ate it three times a day. So the family decided to celebrate his life with a breakfast funeral. LAUGHTER I think I may have a theory on what killed him. I think I may have a theory on what killed him. LAUGHTER Was that the security decal? If I'm ever, ever in a position where I need security, they have to be dressed as rashers of bacon 24-7. I thought he was just a streaker. I thought he was just a streaker. LAUGHTER Whoo! This man has died, and now a moment of silence. (HISSES) (HISSES) LAUGHTER And that is our show for this week. Thanks to our panel, our studio audience and everyone watching at home. Before we go, here is our clip of the week. Now, Derek Ogilvie is the star of a show called Baby Mind Reader. The best thing about Derek is he never ever loses his dignity. Jacob wants to find and turn those light switches on and off. Do you understand this? He's also... (WHIMPERS) ANGRILY: He's telling me he's so angry, he's so frustrated. (SIGHS) (BREATHES HEAVILY) He wants sleep, and he doesn't care when you tell him to go to sleep, cos he's going to sleep when he wants. Do you understand? LAUGHTER And even the 2-year-old is saying, 'What the fuck is this man doing in my house?' Goodnight, everyone. See you next week! Goodnight, everyone. See you next week! AUDIENCE APPLAUDS Captions by Desney Shaw. Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air.