UPBEAT MUSIC Captions by Ingrid Lauder. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014 AUDIENCE APPLAUD, CHEER Hello, good evening, and welcome to Best Bits ` all the best worst and weirdest of the week's TV. I'm Jesse Mulligan. Let's meet the panel. Next to me, he's just signed the contract to be the new host of breakfast on ZM, it's Vaughan Smith. CHEERS, APPLAUSE Wait till he sees the fine print where it says he has to marry Grant Kereama. LAUGHTER She's an actor doing huge things on the Auckland theatre scene with her comedy show Snort ` it's Donna Brookbanks. it's Donna Brookbanks. CHEERS, APPLAUSE Next, I'm not saying he looks like a sex offender, but if you see a moustache like this in real life, call the Crimestopper line. It's Guy Montgomery. CHEERS, APPLAUSE And his body weight is 40% hair, 60% cronut, it's Rhys Matthewson. LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE So we'll begin with our favourite clips from the week, and to start, something topical. Now, some people have suggested that the royal visit is a waste of taxpayers' money. Luckily, this week on Breakfast a young lady reminded us that, actually, Prince William has a very challenging job. EMOTIONALLY: He's so good-looking, and he's a prince. He's actually so nice. He's so supportive. He comes all the way over here and not just, like, makes a speech, he comes and meets the people. He goes to this side, then over to the other side and shakes hands. LAUGHTER You know you're overexcited when even One Direction fans are looking at you, like, 'Settle down, love.' LAUGHTER Donna, are you a royalist? Do you look at what Kate wears in the morning and think, 'I'm going to go out and buy that.' 'I'm going to go out and buy that.' No, because I couldn't afford to. But she always looks real nice. She always looks real nice, eh? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. (LAUGHS) But she's got one job, and it is to look nice. Imagine if all you had to do is wake up in the morning and go, 'Right,... (CLAPS) today's agenda ` look nice.' But as that young woman clearly pointed out, it's not easy. > EMOTIONALLY: She's got to go over there and go over there and over there. I would love if that girl, like, read the news every single night. I would love if that girl, like, read the news every single night. Yeah. Just her being, like,... (EMOTIONALLY) 'It's 6 o'clock and something's happened in Matamata, 'and I think we're gonna talk about it.' Any prospective partner for that girl looks like they've got a pretty easy job coming up, because she's impressed by the simplest, just most banal shit. EMOTIONALLY: Oh my God. You're, like, actually still in my bed this morning, after last night. Guy, it was one time. By the way` > By the way` > LAUGHTER My brother got to meet Prince William. Yes, tell me more. Yes, tell me more. He's in the air force. He's one of the people who got to shake hands. And because I find that really, like, stiff and really un-kiwi, I've been trying to convince my brother to be, like, 'Sup, Bill? Bring it in. Nice to meet you, man. Have a good time. Sweet as.' ENGLISH ACCENT: So refreshing. ENGLISH ACCENT: So refreshing. LAUGHTER Anyway, my message to that young girl is, you know, you've got your whole life ahead of you, but don't ever drink gin. you've got your whole life ahead of you, but don't ever drink gin. LAUGHTER On Neighbours this week there was a shooting, but with the actress unwilling to stick around, producers were forced to replace her body with a what looks a bit like a pillow under a sheet. POIGNANT MUSIC AUDIENCE LAUGH Yes, well, you might laugh, but in breaking news I can tell you that actually, for the rest of the year, they're going to use a pillow and a sheet as the third co-host for Seven Sharp. RAUCOUS LAUGHTER So now that you have been ` I mean, let's not beat around the bush ` fired from Seven Sharp` No, I'm very happy to part amicably with the Seven Sharp programme. You sound like you just got dumped. You sound like you just got dumped. CHUCKLING You sound like you just got dumped. CHUCKLING It was a mutual decision. We talked about` It was her idea at first. But we talked about it, and I think I can see why it's a good... I came home early and found Mike and Toni with Tamati. I came home early and found Mike and Toni with Tamati. LAUGHTER Now, on Beauty and the Geek Australia, beauty Mackenzie does her best to describe the location for this week's challenge. The venue looks like, um, you know, where people go to play jazz or comedians go to` to comede. LAUGHTER Mackenzie is an idiot, and I'm about to comede her right now. Which is my camera? This one? Which is my camera? This one? LAUGHTER Oh, I've got nothing. Oh, I've got nothing. Yeah, you're on the wrong one. There we are. I've still got nothing. Doesn't matter what camera I'm looking at. You win this round, Mackenzie. Let me just ask you this before we move on, because we had Beauty and the Geek on last week ` would you go on Beauty and the Geek if you were asked, or would you`? I probably would be asked to. I probably would be asked to. LAUGHTER So no. So no. Do you`? Do you object to`? What about you, Guy? Yeah, I'd go on. I'll do anything. Yeah, I'd go on. I'll do anything. LAUGHTER Where are you judging from, Jesse? You don't have a job either. Where are you judging from, Jesse? You don't have a job either. LAUGHTER I'll take anything they throw at me. Yeah. All right, time now for the Best Bits weekly awards. Let's get into these. Well, the She'll Be Right Award goes to this man from TV ONE's Sunday programme who showed us when something goes wrong with a Kiwi man's health, he doesn't waste any time in seeing a doctor. What sort of symptoms did you have? Going to the toilet a fair often. More than normal people would go to the toilet. And bleeding. And bleeding. Yeah. > And bleeding. Yeah. > And sore. How long did that go on for, Wayne? How long did that go on for, Wayne? Oh, would have been 10 years. LAUGHTER The host looks like he's agreeing with the 10-year waiting period. 'Fair enough.' LAUGHTER Who was that mate being, like, 'Yeah, no, I was watching you go to the toilet.' Are NZ men the last people in the world that google diagnoses as soon as they don't feel well? As soon as someone` I've got this weird headache and it's right where my neck meets my head. (IMITATES TYPING) 'Headache where neck meets head.' Terminal brain cancer. I think that's pretty common, but I think NZ is the only country where the doctors google your symptoms. And their excuse is something even worse ` 'I'm just checking Facebook.' I'm just posting Facebook of that weird picture I just took of your warty dick. My last one got 13 likes. My last one got 13 likes. LAUGHTER All right more awards now. The Sorry, You've Lost Me Award goes to big hunk of spunk Sam the Weatherman from Breakfast for his description of what pressure feels like. This is how I'm affected for pressure. When I walk and someone's looking at me, I can't walk properly cos you feel like they're looking at your bottom. Sam, if your basic motor functions shutdown whenever a stranger looks at you, maybe TV presenting isn't for you. maybe TV presenting isn't for you. LAUGHTER People love Sam. In fact, the job of weatherman is one of the most popular jobs in NZ. Of course, Jim Hickey, probably` you know everyone loves Jim. Karen Olsen ` not a man ` but, uh, very` That's how she introduces herself as well. 'Karen Olsen ` not a man.' That's how she introduces herself as well. 'Karen Olsen ` not a man.' LAUGHTER Karen's been round forever. She's fantastic. Sam and, uh, Tamati Coffey, you know, before he` Yeah. Sorry, sorry. What was before he, you know? People felt let down when he went to the Labour Party. It was, like, 'You were reading that weather and you're left wing. That would have affected things.' You're giving the poor people all good weather. I pay my taxes. Give me the good weather. Poor people do nothing. Poor people do nothing. Collect up all the sun and distribute it around NZ, Coffey. LAUGHTER You bloody socialist. You bloody socialist. Red sky at night. Oh, you'll be happy. LAUGHTER We're going to take a break and be back with NZ TV's least supportive husband. See you soon on Best Bits. AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD UPBEAT MUSIC Welcome back to Best Bits, where we make fun of all the week's TV. Each week we take an in-depth look at one particular style of television in our topic of the week. And tonight our topic is food shows. Now, just when you think every single possible angle of cooking TV has been milked to death, along comes British show Dinner Date, in which women choose potential dates based on the menu they've created. Here one romantic hopeful displays his gentle, sharing nature. Here goes. Very exciting. At school once, a mate tried to nick a couple of chips off my plate, and I did give him warning that he'd regret it, and he still tried. I stabbed him in the back of the hand with a fork. LAUGHTER At first I thought, 'He's reasonably attractive. His voice is OK. 'What's he doing on a dating show?' Then you hear his choice of anecdote. What would a date with this guy be like? You know, 'Do you want some chips? 'Because if you want some chips, you should probably order some chips.' LAUGHTER LAUGHTER 'No, no, no, these are my chips. 'I mean, you can try and get one. It might be quite fun. Try and get a chip.' LAUGHTER He's really giving off some Pistorius vibes. He's really giving off some Pistorius vibes. LAUGHTER You'd have to stab someone quite hard to break skin with a fork, eh? I don't believe that. Because do you know the force it takes to bite off your finger is the force required to bite through a carrot of the same thickness? Wait, what? Wait, what? No. That's definitely the last time I'm getting a blow job from a rabbit. That's definitely the last time I'm getting a blow job from a rabbit. LAUGHTER You just` My family has a similar story, right, because my mum, when she was little, her dad, when they're at the dinner table and anyone would reach for food with their hands, he would whack them with the flat side of a knife. he would whack them with the flat side of a knife. Ow. So when me and my brother were growing up, Mum thought, 'I'll take a play out of my dad's playbook.' She forgot to turn the knife on its side, whacked my brother on the knuckles with an actual knife. The weird part was then she said 'white pride' and licked the blade. The weird part was then she said 'white pride' and licked the blade. LAUGHTER We watch food shows not just for entertainment but for tips for our own cooking. This week, Man Vs Wild showed us how to tell when your meat is past its best. Great job. Try to take all the` Oh! Oh! Wow, that's` that's bad. That shouldn't come off. Did that just come off in your hand? Did that just come off in your hand? Yeah. Did that just come off in your hand? Yeah. We can't eat that. LAUGHTER Can't eat it? What a pussy. What happened to the old Bear Grylls. Old Bear Grylls would have eaten that sheep raw, then made love to the remains. LAUGHTER I liked how up until how that rotten bit of leg came off in his hand that was an all right option. It was like they were going to sprinkle it with a bit of urine jus and pig shit and it was mwah! Bon appetit! and it was mwah! Bon appetit! ENGLISH ACCENT: Very good, Bear. Very good. Was that Prince William? Was that Prince William? Yeah, he's a judge on the show. I mean, it's a fantasy show. You know, sometimes cooking-show challenges aren't quite as exciting as you want them to be. When that happens South African barbecue show Braai Master does the only thing they can, which is increase the drama using drums. Finally, for the groups that didn't catch any fish, you will also add to your dishes today fish pate... DRAMATIC MUSIC DRAMATIC MUSIC ...with bread. DRAMATIC MUSIC ...with bread. DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES AUDIENCE LAUGH That's right, bitches ` bread. Nooooo! This doesn't seem to hard to us. It's not much of a challenge, because we're NZers, but I actually know a few South Africans ` don't want to brag about it. Fair enough. If you've ever tried to get a South African to eat anything that is not meat, they would rather cook Nelson Mandela. they would rather cook Nelson Mandela. LAUGHTER I'd quite like some drummers to follow me round so that when things happen ` cool things ` people would be, like, 'Whoa!' What's a thing you'd have it for? What's a thing you'd have it for? Like, that's only two stages on the bus. JESSE IMITATES DRUMMING LAUGHTER Now try it again. Give us another one. Oh, that's my day. Oh, that's my day. LAUGHTER All right. Well, this week a contestant on Worst Cooks in America ` that's actually the name of a show ` I've got to start putting these into parentheses. You wonder why they got rid of you from Seven Sharp. You wonder why they got rid of you from Seven Sharp. AUDIENCE TITTER, MURMUR Guy Montgomery, you take that back. Guy Montgomery, you take that back. Guy, you apologise to Jesse. Yeah, Cadbury Dream Factory. Yeah, Cadbury Dream Factory. LAUGHTER Do we still have the promo shot from Cadbury Dream Factory? How many more shows did they order of that little beauty? Look, look, we've all got ok jobs sometimes, and then other times we don't have any jobs. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER And when some of us have jobs, we get paid in chocolate. LAUGHTER Cut off just before Easter. What a rough time. Cut off just before Easter. What a rough time. LAUGHTER Well, this week a contestant on Worst Cooks in America showed how much your average US citizen knows about the outside world. I think of the Alps ` I think of skiing. I have not been to Sweden, but I know Sweden is in Switzerland. LAUGHTER And I have not been to America, but I know America's in trouble. And I have not been to America, but I know America's in trouble. LAUGHTER If anyone is confused, this is the thing that I like to tell them, like, 'Swedish people have golden hair; 'Swiss people have Nazi gold.' Right. That's a good way of remembering it. Right. That's a good way of remembering it. Ah! Both MasterChef and the Great Food Race sort of increase the dramatic tension on their shows by using couples. In this clip Melissa chats about the kids while James waits in the background doing his very best to look supportive. Seems to be one of those days. I've got to the stage now where I'm so tired, I start thinking about my kids and missing them. LAUGHTER Is that not one of her kids? LAUGHTER LAUGHTER AUDIENCE: Ooh! What? 'Ooh, she's our good friend.' I thought it'd be great if, like, just the end of that clip, she'd just gone, 'Oh, the babysitter!' LAUGHTER Yeah, this show is sponsored by Sky City Car Parks. Yeah, this show is sponsored by Sky City Car Parks. LAUGHTER Time for a break on Best Bits. We're back with the big moment from WrestleMania and our clip of the week. See you soon. UPBEAT MUSIC Welcome back to Best Bits, where it is time once again to look at the TV we don't get to see in our clips from around the world. Some people say that professional wrestling is not 100% authentic, but not everyone. See if you can spot the true believer in the crowd at last week's WrestleMania. CROWD CLAMOUR LAUGHTER LAUGHTER His eyes were on the verge of coming out of his head, literally. Like, another half a centimetre, I reckon the eyelids could have gotten behind the eyes and forced them out. You know why he was upset? Because the Undertaker ` the guy who had just been beaten ` has a 21-year unbeaten streak at WrestleMania. Brock Lesner, who, in my opinion, is a second-rate wrestler, was the one that ended the streak. 21 years, two decades. Like, the only constant in wrestling, is that the Undertaker wins at WrestleMania. Now, if you guys don't understand the impact of that, imagine if on next week's Home and Away Alf Stewart just took off his head, and he was a lizard the entire time. Alf Stewart just took off his head, and he was a lizard the entire time. LAUGHTER Asking someone out on a date can be a little bit embarrassing. In the show 19 Kids and Counting, this brave young man takes the plunge in a cupboard, watched intently by the girl's heavily religious parents. Wondered if you wanted to make it official, and if you wanted to officially court me? Yes. CLATTERING NERVOUS CHUCKLING All right, I'll tell you what ` you go ahead and give him a side hug if you want to. 30 seconds. > (CHUCKLES) Three seconds, I mean. > Three seconds, I mean. > CHUCKLING A side hug would be when two people wrapped their arms around each other and give each other a hug from the side versus a frontal hug of pushing themselves together on the front, and I think everybody can figure that out on their own. LAUGHTER Yeah, well, Dad, maybe if you'd stuck to your side-hug rule, you wouldn't have 19 kids. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER I like to think that he's anti front-hugs. He's been side hugging his wife the whole time thinking he's getting her pregnant. LAUGHTER This is the third season of this show. It started with 16 Kids and Counting. Yeah, so, to clarify, this is a couple with 16 kids, then 17, then 18. They've now got 19 children. Can you imagine? They've now got 19 children. Can you imagine? No. Even when I meet a couple with, like, four kids I'm, like, 'Get off her, mate.' LAUGHTER You know what I mean? > You know what I mean? > Also I liked he explained what a side hug was, when we all know what a side hug is, but he didn't explain that he made this dude ask for his permission while filming it in the broom cupboard. That required more explanation than what a side hug was. That required more explanation than what a side hug was. Go on. Give her a side hug. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER This is going` This is going` > Oh my God. That moustache makes that so much weirder. Oh my God. That moustache makes that so much weirder. LAUGHTER And what is he taping on his phone for if they're making a TV show? And what is he taping on his phone for if they're making a TV show? LAUGHTER So he can put it straight on sidehugs.com So he can put it straight on sidehugs.com Is that a website? I really want to know if it is. I really want to know if it is. Hell of a website, a hell of a good time. I can't wait for her to rebel and hold his hand. Now, I hear a lot from people who say that there should be more investigative journalism on NZ TV ` more journalists who are a willing to do whatever it takes to get a key interview. To those people, I say, 'Be careful what you wish for.' Get off my property. Get off my property. Come on, Robert. Let's talk about your little dispute. Get off my property. Get off my property. It's your sister. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER (INHALES SHARPLY) You see, my strategy there would be to stand still and wait till he turns round and mows his way back. LAUGHTER I'm worried about his toes. Can we see that again? At one stage it looked like his toe was about to go under the lawnmower. ...your little dispute. Oh dear! Oh dear! AUDIENCE GASP Yeah. Now, Steve from Trigger Time TV has some handy tips for anyone planning on shooting a stranger in self-defence. So if I'm standing here, I'm minding my own business, and a midget comes up and tries to attack me with a spork from Dairy Queen. I'm, like, 'Oh my God! It's a midget with a spork!' And I draw down and I just drive him down into the ground. Even if the midget attacked me with a spork, is deadly force authorized? No, it's not, OK. You've gotta use your head. LAUGHTER Yeah, or if your girlfriend gets up in the night to go to the toilet and you get out` AUDIENCE: Ooh! ...of bed with your robot legs and your gun and start shooting through the bathroom door, is deadly force authorised? No, you gotta use your head. is deadly force authorised? No, you gotta use your head. LAUGHTER What you guys don't realise is he was saying 'use your head' literally. This is your one chance to head butt a midget. This is your one chance to head butt a midget. LAUGHTER Watching a foreign-language soap opera can be confusing, but it's really helpful when they highlight the dramatic moments with crazy eyes and a guy just off camera crashing a cymbal. (SPEAKS SPANISH) (SPEAKS SPANISH) DRAMATIC MUSIC BOTH SPEAK SPANISH DRAMATIC MUSIC And now for those of you who don't speak Spanish, I should explain they're breaking the news to her that someone has just broken the Undertaker's WrestleMania winning streak. LAUGHTER You guys know how I said that I wanted a drum to follow me around. I kinda want a cymbal as well. I actually` Can we get it without audio? I have a theory on what was being said I'd like to share with the people. 'I ordered the pan-fried fish.' 'I too ordered the pan-fried fish.' 'What?!' And then this guy goes, 'I also ordered the pan-fried fish.' 'Argh, there's no diversity in this meal!' LAUGHTER That is our show for another week. Thank you to our studio audience, our panellists and to you at home. Before we go, Campbell Live has become known for going the extra mile on subjects they're passionate about. In this clip, they go donkey deep into the subject of horse sex. He's allowed to take` take a bit more time in the barn, and he enjoyed that. As opposed to the other stallions taking sort of five to 10 minutes tops in the breeding shed, he'd take 25 to 30 minutes to cover a mare ` make love to them, as it were. He'd talk to them and whisper. He'd talk to them and whisper. So he was a generous lover? Gentleman. Yes, yes, he's a gentleman. 25 to 30 minutes. I think I'd take longer than normal too if that guy was standing next to me. That's it for us this week. See you later. See you next week on Best Bits.