UPBEAT MUSIC Captions by Ingrid Lauder. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014 CHEERING, APPLAUSE Hello, good evening. Welcome to Best Bits, all the best, worst and weirdest of the week's TV. I'm Jesse Mulligan. Let's meet tonight's panel. Next to me, he's replacing Polly on ZM in a week when what they really need is a replacement for Zoe Marshall ` it's Vaughan Smith. it's Vaughan Smith. (LAUGHS) it's Vaughan Smith. (LAUGHS) CHEERING, APPLAUSE Next to him, all the way from the UK. If you see just one show in the festival this year, make sure it's hers ` it's Sara Pascoe. make sure it's hers ` it's Sara Pascoe. CHEERING, APPLAUSE Next to her, if you see just one show in the comedy festival this year, make sure it's his ` Nick Gibb. Nick Gibb. CHEERING, APPLAUSE And if you see just one show in the comedy festival this year, make sure it's Nick or Sara's. Rhys Mathewson. Rhys Mathewson. LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE As always, let's start with some of our favourite clips from the week. To save money on NZ TV shows, extras are often asked to bring their own costumes. That can backfire, of course. See if you can spot the inappropriately dressed Shortland Street extra as he casually walks through this shot. What the heck is goji? What the heck is goji? (SCOFFS) It's this berry packed with vitamin C and iron. And you'd have that in a juice? And you'd have that in a juice? Yeah, people love to have all kinds of stuff in their juices. Yeah. Darren, uh, do you have maybe, like, a checked shirt or something? Yeah. Darren, uh, do you have maybe, like, a checked shirt or something? LAUGHTER Was it one of those things Shortland Street does to try make it look like it's been filmed that week? It films three months in advance, doesn't it? So they're, like, 'We've worked out that when this goes to air, it's Easter. Aren't we clever?' It was good they picked that one over their first choice, which was just a guy on a cross going past. The people watching Shortland Street are going, 'You know why I like Shortland Street? It's topical.' Have you seen any Shortland Street since you've been in NZ, Sara? Have you seen any Shortland Street since you've been in NZ, Sara? I've only been here about 24 hours, so I've only seen about 23 hours. so I've only seen about 23 hours. LAUGHTER When you're doing a live cross, it's important to have some notes to refer to. But when even your notes don't make sense, things can go downhill fast. Now, the Earth` sorry, the moon will be blood red. Now, this will be` be from the dispersed sun and sunsets falling on the moon. Now... Where will the best place be to view the eclipse, Ben? Well, the best place will be up high, because the moon only will rise 15 degrees above the horizon. So this means you wanna be in an unobstructed view, high up, preferably along the eastern side of the country. Now, um, experts are recommending to get out of the country, because artificial light that will cause, um... The artificial light will cause` No, the artificial light... will cause, uh... OK. OK. Back to you, Sascha. OK. Back to you, Sascha. We'll catch up again. Thanks, Ben. SCATTERED APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER SCATTERED APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER Now,... I want to say to this reporter, if you're watching tonight, we do feel for you, Ben. This could easily have happened to any one of us. But one day, later in your career, you're gonna be working on a show just like this one. And only then you'll realise that, for us, coming across your clip this week was pretty much the greatest day of our lives. was pretty much the greatest day of our lives. LAUGHTER I thought it looked like he was struggling not to turn into a werewolf. All the talk about the moon was even crueller. All the talk about the moon was even crueller. LAUGHTER He would have had someone in his ear. So it's not entirely his fault. I think a producer was losing their mind going, 'Talk about the hills. Be` East country. Get out of the country. What is going on?' It's cos his dad was probably the producer. He's got this chance cos of that. His dad's, like, 'Don't you disappoint your mother and I. Your mother's an astronomer. This is our ideal son's story.' LAUGHTER I just feel so sorry for him, cos clearly that happened, and he would have gone home mortified and then gone, like, 'Don't worry. It's blown over now.' Three or four days later. 'That's the end of that.' Then he's gonna be sitting back to relax, to watch some bloody Best Bits ` his favourite show ` and... LAUGHTER LAUGHTER We'd be chuffed that someone's watching Best Bits. Can I say too that`? Um, this is a bit of a weird story, but last week when I was still on Seven Sharp, I did a, um` I did a, um` SNIGGERING, LAUGHTER I did a, um` SNIGGERING, LAUGHTER Let it go. Let it go. I did a cross about the blood moon. I did a live cross. And I was at the observatory. And it was on the night that I had to announce that I was leaving Seven Sharp, so I did this interview with the chief astronomer and then` and then I had to just step away from him and say, 'Right, I've got some other news.' He just stood there, right. So I said, 'I'm leaving Seven Sharp at the end of the week. It's very sad.' And they said, 'OK, terrible news. See you later, Jesse.' The credits rolled, and the camera went off, and we were just in this dark, little room in this observatory, and I heard this voice of the astronomer say, 'I think you're a bit sad about that.' LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE Would have been beautiful if he said, 'I don't need NZ's largest telescope to see that you're sad about that.' 'I don't need NZ's largest telescope to see that you're sad about that.' LAUGHTER On Four Live this week, former McDonald's Young Entertainer Drew Nemia welcomed his guests with a high five. Not everyone's up for physical contact with a stranger, but singer Ginny Blackmore may need to work on her poker face. Hello. Hello. Chur. High five. She looks like a robot from the future worried that she's got some human on her. 'Ugh, what's that?' What you don't realise, Sara, is that is actually our nightly news. That's how they pass it to the weatherman. 'That's sport. Over to Steve with some weather.' High five. High five. LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE Drew Nemia to me sounds like something your doctor tells you you have. 'I'm sorry. You have Drew Nemia.' I've got a bit of a rivalry with Drew Nemia` I've got a bit of a rivalry with Drew Nemia` Yeah. > ...uh, in that, I think it's fairly common knowledge that I am NZ's Zac Efron. I think I read that in the Herald today. I think I read that in the Herald today. This is all great stuff but we` What I'm trying to say is just everyone call me Zac Efron, all right? Let's just get that going, get that out there. Let's just get that going, get that out there. What is this, week five? Every week I try and mention that I'm NZ's Zac Efron. Also it's in the NZ Herald that he's NZ's Zac Efron, because in an interview he said, 'People have been calling me NZ's Zac Efron.' He just` Which is a sneaky way of getting that idea across. He just failed to mention the people are him and his mum. He says, 'Mum, please call me NZ's Zac Efron.' 'Rhys, dinner time.' And I don't come until she says it. All right, let's turn the cameras back on and, uh... All right, let's turn the cameras back on and, uh... LAUGHTER Time for our Best Bits Awards now, where we recognise the highlights and lowlights of the week in television. First up, our award for the... Check out this clip from Selling Houses Australia. You just won't recognise the place. Three days ago, Darren Hart and Sandra Deans' place was a dull, overlooked listing. What did they do? Sweep the fucking driveway? Most before and after shots are fairly unimpressive, but they can't make a house smile and suck its stomach in. LAUGHTER Our next award for honesty goes to Melissa from this week's episode of Dating in the Dark. I've probably slept with a hundred-plus guys. To me, sex is just fun. It's exercise. I last had sex two days ago. I had two guys in the one day. I had to get 'em in. LAUGHTER My suspicion is that after more than 100 partners, 'getting them in' would not be a problem. LAUGHTER, GASPING But the way she's talking, like, 'I had to fit them in.' Like, sex shouldn't be a scheduling issue. You know what I mean? Nothing kills the mood after sex, like, 'Look, I've got a 4.30 to fit in.' This is just another example of how the internet has ruined the world. Because she's got such accessibility to men, is that what you`? > Because she's got such accessibility to men, is that what you`? > Because sex has become so trendy. Yeah. > Yeah. > LAUGHTER Yeah. > LAUGHTER Because before... Because if there's one way to really meet the right guy, it's in the dark on TV. Is that how you meet people? Is that how you meet people? Pretty much, yeah. Is that how you meet people? Pretty much, yeah. OK. Cool. Rhys, to clear it up, it has to be organised by TV producers and stuff. You can't just go into dark rooms where people are asleep and be, like, 'You're on Dating in the Dark with Rhys Mathewson, and you're about to have good kiss times. That is the only time your Zac Efron line is gonna work. Time for a break on Best Bits. We're back with the difference between Kiwi and American fishing shows in our topic of the week. See you soon. See you soon. CHEERING, APPLAUSE CHEERING, APPLAUSE Welcome back to Best Bits, where each week we take a closer look at television in our topic of the week. This week we're focusing on animals. When you're filming wild animals, it's a challenge getting close enough to get a good shot. In his latest show, Sir David Attenborough's taken an unorthodox approach he's very proud of. You probably won't even be able to see his hidden camera. They show behaviour that has never been witnessed before. AUDIENCE LAUGH Yes, if you think that one looked obvious, wait till you see the salmon strapped to the tripod. If that is a camera inside a fish, what is filming it? Is there another fish with another camera in it? Next to the secret camera is there an actual cameraman? No, the bear's got a camera in its mouth as well. I'm, like` How he goes` Like, his voiceover is going, like, 'This is behaviour we've never seen before.' That's probably because the bear's going, 'What the fuck is up with this fish?' LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE Some of the best animal scenes come when their owners treat them like humans. On the show Must Love Cats, we discover the only thing weirder than a cat hooked up to electric needles is a song about a cat hooked up to electric needles. Doctor, what is the electricity doing now? The electricity is basically just strengthening the treatment. The electricity is basically just strengthening the treatment. Shh! # Relax, little Moki. Relax. # Kitty acupuncture gonna help your back. Relax, little Moki. Relax. # Kitty acupuncture gonna help your back. # I love the cat's face while he was singing, because you could just tell running through his mind was, like, 'They worship me in some cultures.' The next verse of the song was actually ` # Relax, little Moki. Don't frown. # If this doesn't work, we're going to put you down. # # If this doesn't work, we're going to put you down. # LAUGHTER Now, there are two sorts of animal shows ` the ones where we pamper them and the ones where we kill them. Like fishing shows. And Kiwis claim to love fishing. But do we love it as much as, say, the Americans? Let's compare. Ohh! Yep. Whoo-hoo. (ROARS) Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, that American guy also came home with a pocket full of whitebait. LAUGHTER, GROANING LAUGHTER, GROANING Sorry. What I love is that the way that NZ is, you know that people watching our version at home would've been going, 'Settle down, mate.' We don't know what happened before the shot. Maybe someone bet him there was no such thing as fish. $200. No such thing, mate. Don't know what you're talking about. On a slow news day, you'll see animals on the news. That's why in NZ you see animals on the news pretty much every day. This clip from Breakfast starts out well, but you'll probably end up wishing you hadn't let your kids watch it. A large black bear has been returned to the wild after terrorising residents in a neighbourhood in Florida. The animal was cornered up a tree, then shot with a tranquilizer dart. The drowsy bear eventually fell out of the tree, but went straight through a tarpaulin set to catch it. No more beersies for you. No more beersies for you. LAUGHTER What did they think was gonna happen? That tiny tarpaulin. As soon as it broke, they had a look of, 'I can't believe we thought that was gonna work.' That was pretty shitty that they used the word 'terrorising'. Like, really` it's like the news went, 'How do we make it seem like the bear deserved it?' So we're going to the Bear Man of Kamchatka now, where the host begins by bear whispering, but he's not afraid to escalate things where necessary. Get out of here. Get out of here, you old bugger. Skye, Skye, Skye. Skye. Come on, Skye. Let's go. You can really impress your friends in South Auckland if you managed to tag a grizzly bear. I love the Bear Man of Kamchatka. And I am not in any way promoting animal cruelty, but I will happily watch half an hour of a soft-spoken man macing bears in the face. Can you imagine anything scarier, though, than macing a bear and the bear just goes, 'You are going to regret that'? He grabs it off the guy and goes. (IMITATES SPRAYING) Welcome to Kamchatka, bitch. I would watch that` I would watch that episode. Now, everyone knows that puppies are great, but are they better than babies? That question, which no one in the world has asked before, is examined in depth by Animal Planet show Puppies vs Babies. Yes, that is actually what the show is called. The votes were tallied, and now it's time to reveal who will walk or crawl away victorious. Will it be the talkative twins or the perplexed pugs? CROWD CHANT, YELL Congratulations, puppies! CROWD CHEER Yes, puppies were the winner. If you were wondering who the loser was, it was anyone who watched this show. I think it's something like a guy's cheated on his wife` cheated on his wife. She's found out. She's gonna leave him. He's, like, 'Please, don't leave me. I'll do anything.' 'Well, why don't you make my telly idea?' 'Right, OK, yep, OK. I'll tell the guys. No, don't worry.' He's picturing it like in his eyes, being, like, 'Guys, we need to do this. Marco's gonna leave me.' Yeah, well, you laugh but that's how I got TVNZ behind Best Bits. The Puppies vs Babies, where he said, 'The winner is puppies,' should have just gone like this, and then, like, 'Da-daa!' And that's his big judgement at the end. Hey, Nick, you've got a few sweaty pits there. I'm just letting you know. Vaughan and I had very sweaty pits in the first couple of episodes. We came up with the most amazing thing. We googled it. What do we do for our sweaty pits now? We buy the cheapest big bag of, uh, pads ` sanitary pads. You put them`? You put them`? And then the sticky part you tape to your shirt. If any of us are ever in` If any of us are ever in` I feel you're just telling me that so next time I'm on the show, you're gonna go, 'He's wearing sanitary pads under his arms.' I'm just letting you know. Helping a brother out. I'm just letting you know. Helping a brother out. < Oh, thanks, man. When I was buying these at the supermarket, I bought, like` it was $2 for 20, and I knew they weren't, like, great, but they're not going near my vagina, so I don't need to worry. And I got to the checkout and the lady said, 'Are these for your wife?' And I was, like, 'Uh... Yep.' And she was, like, 'Don't buy these for your wife. Buy her some nice ones.' I was, like, 'Oh, these will do.' The man that would only spend $2 on his wife's sanitary requirements. The sad thing is they work so well, I said to Vaughan, 'Is it OK if you and I split the rest of that pack?' and he said yes, and I put them in my locker in the dressing room and now the Seven Sharp job is gone` in the dressing room and now the Seven Sharp job is gone` (LAUGHS) Andrew Saville, the sports guy, turns up to his new locker and had a half pack of budget sanitary pads. We're gonna take a break now and be back with our favourite clips from overseas on Best Bits. See you soon. CHEERING, APPLAUSE CHEERING, APPLAUSE Well, Welcome back to Best Bits. It's time now for the best of the TV we don't get to see in our clips from around the world. You might not be able to speak Korean, but have a look at this clip from the show Love Hit a Nerve, and see if you can spot the dramatic moment when this man finds out the woman he's talking to is actually his daughter. (SPEAKS KOREAN) (SPEAKS KOREAN) LAUGHTER I think the strangest thing about that clip is he's dribbling the juice back into the glass. Just in preparation for you to say something, I'm going to take a big gulp just at the right time. I don't know what you're talking about, Nick. I don't know what you're talking about, Nick. LAUGHTER I'm your daughter. He made it pour out so flatly. Like even that came out a little bit` Oh, right. You're right. We'll do it again. We will be here all night if we have to! So, Nick and Sara, you had something to tell me? So, Nick and Sara, you had something to tell me? Jesse's pregnant with your child! LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE Can we re-run that footage with no sound, and we can possibly put forward what we think she might`? Yeah. The translation probably isn't right, is it? The translation probably isn't right, is it? OK, let's have a look. 'I need a drink.' 'Steve, not that ` it's my urine sample!' That's good. That's good. Can I go? Can I do it? Your turn, Nick. Your turn, Nick. OK. Fine. 'Anyway, so what did the doctor say?' 'He said you're about to die of vitamin C poisoning.' To the British show First Dates now, where this Englishman shows that he's both open minded and sensitive. Some girls that I've been with have not always been, you know, perfect 10s. Beautiful, thank you. She might be a little bit rotund, but if she's got a good humour and that and a lovely pair of tits, I'll definitely be involved. If you didn't have a decent sense of humour before you have sex with that man, you'll have one afterwards. I feel the reason we don't get that show here is cos NZ doesn't really have the dating culture. We don't in the UK either. We don't in the UK either. That's why he's confused. He's, like, 'This isn't what I usually do. You just go to a bar, and get drunk and then hook up with anyone.' You just go to a bar, and get drunk and then hook up with anyone.' That's what we do! You are us from the olden days. You are us from the olden days. Yeah. I took a girl on a date a couple of weeks ago. It was really awkward, cos, like, she'd never been on a date before and had no idea what was happening. How old was she? How old was she? And what do you do on a date? Did you meet her in the dark? Were you, like, 'You're now on Dating in the Dark with Rhys Mathewson.' I mean, my legal team have advised me to answer none of these questions. Let's go to the mad world of American daytime talk shows, where Maury is bringing out a very special guest. Watch it. Watch it. AUDIENCE CHEER You are lazy. I may be fat, but I take care of your kids. Yes, if you've gotten so big you're using a motorised scooter, maybe the word 'lazy' isn't an insult for you. Um, um, haven't we seen that dress before, stretched out underneath a black bear? LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE They probably thought if it could withstand that, it would withstand a falling bear! She saw the hole in it and thought, 'Brilliant!' Pull it on! Pull it on! Head through, wrap it round. Back on her motor scooter! Time to look at an ad from US company InventHelp now. Legally, in America, you've got to put a disclaimer after each one of your promises. But if you say it in an upbeat voice, maybe the viewers at home won't notice. To find out how Help can help you try to submit your idea to companies, call for free information. Bill Schafer made a financial gain with his invention. Bill's experience is not typical and most inventions are not successful. LAUGHTER That guy would be a great dad, wouldn't he? Son, don't be afraid to dream. But 96% of dreams do not come true. I love the thing of, like, giving someone this huge opportunity, like, this hope, and then taking it away in exactly the same voice. It's like Winston Churchill being, like, 'Oh, we fought them on the beaches ` but they'll probably win.' 'I have dream! Won't come true.' That is just about our show. My thanks to our panellists, studio audience and everyone at home. Before we go, if you ever thought working as a volunteer firefighter would make your life more exciting, obviously you haven't seen this ad. It's our clip of the week. BOTH: We are... ...Erie County's... ...Erie County's... ...volunteer... ...Erie County's... ...volunteer... ...firefighters,... ...more than... ...more than... ...5000. ...more than... ...5000. 5000. ALL: We are Erie County's volunteer firefighters, more than 5000 strong. With you... With you... With you, we can be stronger. ALL: Stronger. ALL: Stronger. Stronger. ALL: We are Erie County's volunteer firefighters, more than 5000 strong. With you, we can be stronger. And we are the team from Best Bits. Stronger with us. Join? Best Bits, people. Mmm. Well, I think that worked. See you next week! CHEERING, APPLAUSE Captions by Ingrid Lauder. Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014