Captions by Ingrid Lauder. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014 AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD Good evening, and welcome to Best Bits, all the best, worst and weirdest of the week's TV. I'm Jesse Mulligan. Let's meet tonight's panel. First up, he's so wildly popular his own employer is running ads telling people to change their radios to The Hits ` it's Vaughan Smith. > CHEERING, APPLAUSE She is back from the Melbourne Comedy Festival, where she made Australians laugh at something other than us having sex with sheep ` it's Heidi O'Loughlin. CHEERING, APPLAUSE He works for Radio Hauraki, a station so white that not one single person pronounces it Radio Hauraki ` it's Matt Heath. > it's Matt Heath. > CHEERING, APPLAUSE And his Comedy Festival show is called Hombre Lobo, but his personal style is more 'lonely hobo' ` it's Rhys Mathewson. but his personal style is more 'lonely hobo' ` it's Rhys Mathewson. CHEERING, APPLAUSE Let's start with some of our favourite clips from the week. Now, John Campbell went out on to the streets last week to hang out with some young people. John is no old fuddy duddy in a suit. He knows that if you want to be down with the kids, you've got to learn to speak their lingo. Can I talk to you when you're finished buying some legal highs? Can I talk to you when you're finished buying some legal highs? MAN: Uh, possibly, yeah. Can you come talk to us outside when you're finished? Oh yep. Oh yep. OK, would that be all right. What's your name? What's your name? Uh, Ryan. What's your name? Uh, Ryan. Ryan, OK, thanks, bro. LAUGHTER You know, I don't think that guy even noticed that John was white. Oh, bro, can I take a hit from that legitimately packed bong there, bro? Oh, bro, can I take a hit from that legitimately packed bong there, bro? LAUGHTER I reckon it was just the cameraman just putting on a voice to try and make John Campbell look tough. Yeah, man. My name's Ryan. My name's Ryan. What about them when they saw John Campbell? They were, like, 'Fuck, this shit is good.' Keep going. I reckon Mike Hosking will be in next. I just don't think anyone was` by looking at that building, no one was purchasing legal highs there. I feel like the dude was, like, 'Are you purchasing legal highs?' And he's like,... 'Yes, legal. Yes. 'Lets go with that option.' 'Lets go with that option.' It did look a bit like a tinny house. I think it was made of tin. It was a legitimate shop. Like, John Campbell was there three nights of last week. I'm beginning to think John Campbell might be enjoying legal highs a little bit too much. 'Guys, we should do another story on legal highs. 'That shop is the only shop left selling legal highs.' (INHALES DEEPLY) (EXHALES HEAVILY) (EXHALES HEAVILY) Next week, our series on beautiful prostitutes. LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE After that, how hard is heroin to find in NZ? Good evening, and welcome to Campbell Blazed. This week on Breakfast, Matty McLean filled in for the usual weather guy, Sam. The weird thing is that Matty seemed as surprised about it as we were. Very good. Thanks for that, Melissa. Very good. Thanks for that, Melissa. Thanks, Melissa. Matty, let's see, uh, if we can just give us an idea of what people can expect for their day off today. LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE Yeah, well, talk about legal highs. When he was getting ready he was, like, 'All right. I'm all ready. I'm in the studio.' And then he's got trees behind him, and he's, like, 'I don't remember there being trees back there.' He looks like the person cueing him has given him some really shocking news. 'Matty, we're with you in 10. Just wanted to let you know your doctor called and ` five ` something about terminal. And you're on. something about terminal. And you're on. LAUGHTER 'There's time to deal with this after the weather, Matty. We'll come back to you.' If Matty can't predict when they're going to throw to him, how the hell is he going to predict the weather? Well, undoubtedly the highlight of local TV this week was the live finale of The Great Food Race. When you're broadcasting something live, you don't have a chance to edit things out, like that awkward moment when someone stops talking and waits for the next thing to happen. Libby and Elliot seem calm and cool. They've been keeping it pretty clean. I did notice, though, that Libby almost put the wrong sauce in one of the pots. Oh no. But, I mean, clearly, we can't see a winner yet. But, I mean, clearly, we can't see a winner yet. Not yet. WOMAN: What am I doing? LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Aw, man! It breaks ya heart. I love at the end there you can hear Zoe in the background going, 'What am I doing?' If you don't know, love, we've got absolutely no chance of working it out. She nearly ` nearly ` put the wrong sauce in, so she put the right sauce in and that was something to have a conversation about. You know when it was happening, she was about to put it in, and she goes, 'Oh, what am I doing?' And the director just goes, (SLAMS TABLE) 'Fuck!' I don't watch The Awkward Food Race ` is that what it's called now? The Great Food Race. The Great Food Race. So this, like, stupid moustache guy, what does he do? Is he a chef? Yes. Yes. When he's in the kitchen, does he wear a hair net on his moustache? Well, we learnt a lot from that live finale. Mostly we learnt that watching and listening to people eat is not quite as compelling as you might think. When you watch this clip at home, I want you to know we haven't tampered with it. This is exactly how it happened. Try not to get too grossed out by the sounds of someone chewing. LOUD CHEWING, MUNCHING Hmm. LOUD MUNCHING LOUD MUNCHING Tried the fish? LOUD CHEWING SLURPING LAUGHTER And after the break, we're all going to all close our eyes and spend a couple of minutes smelling things. Was it just me, or did they look exactly like two stoned kids at a high school ball that found the catering room? Like... Cos I think they were hoping a crowd would turn up to it. Because there was no one in the entire live studio audience, every disgusting slurp through his moustache just echoed out across the room. Actually, I saw the thing, and they actually` they didn't have a studio audience, but they had the other contestants there lined up, but whenever they cut to them, they were texting. That's great. That's great. I loved seeing him eat. I've not watched a lot of this show, but I've not seen him eat with his moustache. It looked like a 1950s cartoon where they weren't sure how to draw mouths eating, so they just drew the characters massive moustaches, like... Mustn't have been catering. They must have been genuinely starving. 'I don't care about the live show. It's a total dead loss already. 'We're going to eat our meal and take our time with it.' He turns up at 2 o'clock in the afternoon for moustache prep, and he's, like, 'Where's the catering?' 'You'll have to wait till the finalists prepare their meals.' And that's why they were so ravenous. Why is it on all of these shows`? Why is it on all of these shows`? (LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY) AUDIENCE LAUGH AUDIENCE LAUGH Buddy, you OK? What? What is it? What? What is it? How did it happen? How did it happen? Time for our weekly awards, where we recognise excellence and excrement in the world of television. Now, our first award is the award for cheap laughs, and it goes to us, the team at Best Bits, this week. You know, some of our clips are sophisticated, some are satirical, but not this one from Yoga TV, which we've chosen for your amusement, because, at one point, the silhouettes look like they have really big penises. NEW AGE MUSIC AUDIENCE LAUGH (SIGHS) You ever tried yoga, Matt? Any sort of...? No, I haven't. What would that position be where you silhouette and make your leg look like a phallus? Is there a name for that position? You've been to yoga. Is there a name for that position? You've been to yoga. It's called the Mulligan. LAUGHTER OK, our next award for the week's biggest overreaction goes to Peter Dunne, who this week on 3 News showed us just how far he was willing to go in the war against drugs. Sophie Lowery, 3 News. In the news ahead, what is Peter Dunne going to do about the problem of legal highs? Well, not that, probably. That, of course, was not the Peter Dunne story. It was footage from Mike McRobert's family holiday. How smooth is that Hilary Barry? She made the mistake, then she immediately came up with a cover. How long has she been doing it for? How long has she been doing it for? Uh, I don't know. About, like, a hundred years. It's not good just to say, 'That's not the right clip.' You could probably get that after six months. Can we get another look at that one, please? Can we get another look at that one, please? < See how quick she is? In the news ahead, what is Peter Dunne going to do about the problem of legal highs? Well, not that, probably. It's pretty good. It's pretty quick. It is good. That is good. Nailed that. Nailed that. I was timing her ` I had her in at two seconds. Two seconds from tanks first appearance to 'probably not that'. Fast on her feet. Fast on her feet. Imagine if it was Matty McLean. It was, like, 'Coming up, what Peter Dunne's going to do about legal hi`' 'Coming up, what Peter Dunne's going to do about legal hi`' LAUGHTER Coming up, we're going to take a look at renovation shows in our topic of the week. See you soon on Best Bits. CHEERING, APPLAUSE Welcome back to Best Bits, where each week we take a closer look at one aspect of TV in our topic of the week. This week we're looking at renovation shows. When you're interviewing someone as a presenter, you'll often ask the cameraman at the end to shoot some 'noddies', when he films your reaction to what the person is saying. The key, as Kevin McCloud from Grand Designs demonstrates, is to look as interested as possible. A great deal of the mass in there is simply stone, and it's local stone, as Helen said. It's not coming a long distance away, so we're using material that's from the local landscape. If you've seen that face before, it's the face of anyone who watched The Great Food Race live this week. You'd be bored too if you did a show where the same thing happened every week. Grand design and he's, like, 'All right. It's gonna be costly, though.' They're, like, 'We're gonna do it for $2000. He's, like, 'You'll never be able to.' They're, like, 'Whaa! Bank, give us more money.' Bank gives them money. They finish the house. But it's not the house they dreamed of. It's a bit smaller. The budget ran out, and the bank forecloses their mortgage. But before they sell it and take it away, they let them come back and do that whole 'yay, we finished' show. And he's got a great` and he saves it all with the end line. And he's got a great` and he saves it all with the end line. What's that? Oh, he'll go something, like, 'This architecture is brash. It's a statement. It's conflicting, but it's inviting, much like the couple that made it. Maybe that was the point.' And then he walks off. And then he walks off. How was that? And then he walks off. How was that? That was very well done. I love Kevin McCloud. I was shocked ` and I'm not afraid to say I was shocked ` when I found out that Kevin McCloud was heterosexual. He is just the best heterosexual man ever. He knows all those gay tricks and he's, like, working it` Sorry. Let's go back ` gay tricks? Gay tricks ` interior design, speaking other languages. If I was gay, I'd be stoked with people talking about` You're not gay? You're not gay? What? You're not gay? What? He's not gay? Ah, anything else? Ah, anything else? LAUGHTER All right. Now, buying art can be very expensive, but The Living Room shows us how much money you can save if you don't mind that art being fucking terrible. I've created this quirky wall hanging. All I've done is pick up some random sticks from the garden and popped some feathers on to this piece of ribbon. And I think it looks really beautiful. There's a fine line between high art and a scene from the Blair Witch Project. 5 bucks seems a little bit steep for that for me. If you're gonna grab some sticks and just smear them on the wall, you wanna pay, I don't know, nothing for it. What she meant is that she lost $5 when she was getting the sticks. Even, like, a bird would walk in and go, 'That is the shittest nest I have ever seen.' Like, if you knew anyone who had that art on their wall, you would think they had a mental illness. 'Here are my lovely sticks. And in the kitchen, I've done something quite wacky with faeces.' Now, people look for different things in a dream home. This guy is particularly interested in the indoor-outdoor flow. Look how nice the furniture goes with the boat. It's a whole lot better than what I'm living in now. It's a whole lot better than what I'm living in now. Oh, isn't it? Wonderful. Ha! Here we go. Wonderful. Ha! Here we go. Oh, I'm so excited. Willy, do you like this? Willy, what do you think? See these windows. See these windows. I could shoot out of the windows. See these windows. I could shoot out of the windows. Yeah, check that. Oh, shoot out the windows? Oh, shoot out the windows? Yeah. Oh, shoot out the windows? Yeah. No. Oh, please, tell me` GUNFIRE GUNFIRE OK. I think I have a new theory on the Kennedy assassination. He's opening windows before he shoots through them. It really shows how far he's come. 'It's on a lovely little quiet caldersac. Great indoor-outdoor flow.' 'What's them shootin' windows like?' (IMITATES GUNFIRE) 'It's good. I'll take it.' Right. Renovation shows can really up the drama by using married couples. The most important thing when you're casting is to find a husband and wife who are both equally passionate about interior design, like these two. Maybe they should have hung something on it. Will it make a difference? You know what it is. What else could it be? Will it make a difference? You know what it is. What else could it be? But look how different this looks when you put... when you start to just be a bit more literal about it. Oh, it's the same thing. He's just playing it cool, I reckon. He's, like, 'It's the same thing. 'Put your pants up there. It's the same thing.' I feel like I wouldn't want to do one of those reality shows, but I feel like my wife could talk me into The Block. You know what I mean? Just one of those you nag away at over a couple of weeks. You use it as ballast in an argument, then I find myself with a red T-shirt on,... Are you are you happy in your relationship? Are you are you happy in your relationship? ...promoting Wild Bean Cafe. Sometimes I get tricked into something. I'll be out on a bush walk and I'll turn to her and say, 'You did a good job on this one.' The Extreme Makeover show always tries to tailor its extreme makeovers toward the interests of the household. Some interests, though, don't really lend themselves to interior design. Bailey's all about sports stacking, which is the sport of stacking cups as quickly as you possibly can. So we've given him a room made completely of cups, from cup steps that lead to a cup bed that has a cup backboard full of cups. We come over to our sports-stacking desk, which is made of cups on the legs. You turn this over and cups come out of the cup dispensers that are in the cup legs. One of the coolest things we've got going is a cup wall made out of 722 cups that spell out Bailey's name. And in this corner, two girls with one cup. They always do it, though. It's short sighted. What do you mean? > What do you mean? > Well, it's, like, 'What are you into right now, kid? 'Stacking cups.' 'You got it, buddy.' I bet the kid didn't mention them. When they were doing interviews, his dad would have been, like, 'Tell them about the cups.' He's 17 years old. He's brought a girl home. And she doesn't want to do anything, because what about all the cups? because what about all the cups? And cos straws are all the rage by that point. Maybe he's either a cup half full or a cup's his whole room kind of guy. That's it for our topic of the week. We'll be back after the break with the best funeral ever in our clips from around the world. See you soon on Best Bits. CHEERING, APPLAUSE Welcome back to Best Bits. Time now for the best of the TV you don't get to see in our clips from around the world. The UK's Channel 4 has come up with a great new idea for a TV show. It's pretty complicated. It's pretty high brow. See if you can get the gist. In a few minutes, a couple will enter this box, they'll have sex, and then immediately afterwards come out and talk frankly about what they did to me and a panel of internationally renowned sex experts and in front of our studio audience. Welcome to Sex Box. It's like Seven Minutes in Heaven when you're at high school. You come out, like, 'We just had sex. 'It was real awesome. Just don't ask her about it.' So are they already a couple before they go in the box? So are they already a couple before they go in the box? < Yes, yeah, no. They're a well-established couple. They try to get people from all different walks of life. Like, it started out pretty normal, like heterosexual couple that had been together 10 years. And then it started getting really weird. There was this gay` mid` gay couple and one of them was a midget, and one of them was, like, extremely tall. This is true. You can look this up. They were, like, 'How was the sex?' He was, like, 'It didn't last as long as I wanted.' I was, like, 'Please, say it.' And he was, like, 'The sex was a little short.' And I was like... Halfway through John Campbell opens the door and goes, 'Can you have a chat with us when you're done? 'What's your name? What's your name? Ryan? Thanks, bro.' Very good. > So is it just a freak show? It's a big freak sex show. Victorian freak show. It kind of is. It's like Embarrassing Bodies. They're luring you in that they're gonna help you with a problematic area of your sex life, then everyone's just, like, '(LAUGHS) My God, blisters on the anus. That is disgusting.' Oh, I hope they don't do this in NZ. You know what I mean? I just... LAUGHTER Are you worried about it coming to NZ because of the same reason your wife can talk you into a bush walk? If she goes on about it enough, you'll end up in the Sex Box. On the bright side, Jesse, you'll be back on television, so I don't know how quickly we should be writing off Sex Box NZ. I'm gonna be, like, 'I'm not doing that Sex Box show,' and then, like, two weeks later it's like... All right. One of our favourite shows on Best Bits is Best Funeral Ever, where you can guarantee no matter what TV producers do to commemorate somebody's passing, it'll never ever be tacky. Uncle James, would you do us the honour of spinning the wheel to see what Tiff is gonna win? SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC APPLAUSE, CHEERING BELL DINGS Give it up for Tiff. He got salvation. Now, it might be just me, but I feel like if Tiff could see what they had done with his funeral, he'd be spinning in his grave. he'd be spinning in his grave. GROANING he'd be spinning in his grave. GROANING Thank you very much. He landed on salvation. Were there other options on there, like eternal damnation? Or, like, limbo would be pretty horrible. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe if it spun around and ended up on 'life' and they come out with defiburators, like, 'We can bring him back.' St Peter's never gonna fall for that. You won this in a game show. He's, like, 'You're going to go to hell. Go to hell dizzy, asshole. 'We know what you did. You can't just win it at the end, just spin and win at the end.' The host of Lassie has a special connection to animals. But don't worry, he understands if you don't feel the same way. I can't speak for everyone, but whenever I see a cute little dog or cat, my first impulse is to pick it up and give it a kiss. Yeah, cos that's what I think when I see an animal that has no lips and eats its own shit. There were stories on the news about how dangerous dogs were and there was a spate of dog attacks. And they said if a dog ever bites you, the first thing you do is try to stick your thumb up its arse. Well, cos that's like its release trigger. It's, like, 'Ooh! Thumb's up my arse,' and lets go. So now his instinct is to pick it up and kiss it; mine is, 'Where is this dog's anus located?' I reckon any dog you can get your thumb round and up the anus is a dog that you can just fight like a man. That is our show. My thanks to our panellists, our studio audience and everyone at home. Before we go, we'll leave you with this from Yoga TV. It is our Best Bits clip of the week. Let's begin by sitting cross-legged and doing a little self-massage. Just tapping over the top of the head. Working in to the top of the head there. Feeling it resonating deep down into the belly. OK, we're working that area of the body up, so just looking for any sore spots or dull thuds, work into them a little bit harder, bringing new energy and life into those areas. OK, working out a little bit wider. Just feeling where it's going in the body. And working out to the sides of the head. Using your fingertips. Waking up all those cranky bits there. Then working over to the back of the head and down into the back of the neck. If you do this for long enough, you can almost forget you saw The Great Food Race. Thanks. Goodnight. That's Best Bits for another week. See ya. Captions by Ingrid Lauder. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014