Captions by Richard Edmunds. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014 CHEERING, APPLAUSE Hello. Good evening, and welcome to Best Bits ` all the best, worst and weirdest of the week's TV. My name's Jesse Mulligan. Let's meet tonight's panel. Next to me ` he has a beautiful wife called Sharde and a beautiful husband called Fletch. It's Vaughan Smith. Next to him, she's such a geek that even geeks avoid her at parties. Heidi O'Loughlin. Here visiting the NZ Comedy Festival for the third time, it's the very funny, very French Marcel Lucont. And by the age of 20 he'd won a Billy T Award. By the age of 40 his goal is to sleep with a woman. Rhys Mathewson. All right, let's start by looking at some of our favourite clips from the week. National MP Maurice Williamson has had a bit of a tough time this week. Although Maurice must be really hurting inside, at least he isn't just sitting around on his lonesome feeling sorry for himself. REPORTER: The election will be all or nothing for Maurice Williamson. He says he won't come back to Parliament as a list MP. # Some people call me Maurice... # He was on a show called Q + A, right? Was every question in that episode just, 'How are you really doing, Maurice?' Um, this is a NZ politics story, Marcel. Maurice Williamson's been fired this week. This is the gay marriage man? Yes. Became popular worldwide for his big speech on gay marriage, yes. Yes. Became popular worldwide for his big speech on gay marriage, yes. I think every politician has a mini politician on their shoulder, invisible, saying, 'Well done for the gay marriage thing, 'but don't forget your purpose in this world ` corruption.' It needs a sad soundtrack, though. Can we play that without the audio? It needs a sad soundtrack, though. Can we play that without the audio? Let's give it a go. # All by myself. # Don't wanna be # all by myself # any more. # Yeah, that's good. Can I have a go, please? # My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard... # It's not really an appropriate song, but I just like that one. Paul Henry's move to late-night has been largely successful, although he's the first one to admit being entertaining for half an hour every night isn't easy. Police said that they did get several calls from, um... re the flares from concerned members of the public, but all's well that ends well. Only a few calls? You let off 150 flares in the harbour in the capital and you only get a few calls? Maybe flares aren't the thing any more. Being funny is hard. You're new to the country, Marcel. Have you caught the Paul Henry Show yet? No. Just disagree immediately regardless. It's... not hard to be funny. It's not hard to be funny? It's not hard to be funny? No. They've got the very beautiful newsreader, uh... Janika Ter Ellen. Janika Ter Ellen. Janika Ter Ellen. Although she was described in the Herald as being too beautiful to listen to, which I thought was quite offensive. He throws to her every now and then. He has the audience, entertainment, but he'll throw to Janika. And it's almost like when your dad's telling you something and you're on Facebook. You're, like... (CHUCKLES UNCERTAINLY) Back to Facebook. Well, Grand Designs host Kevin McCloud is a smart, good-looking, successful man. And he's brave as well. You know, a lot of people would be scared doing what he's doing in this next clip. But, as usual, Kevin is all man. We hold hands? We hold hands? Yeah. Yeah. If this goes, it's gonna really hurt, you know. If this goes, it's gonna really hurt, you know. Yeah. One, two, three... Go. There we are. Voila. (SHRIEKS) That clip, of course, is from his new series, Grand Designs Revisited While Squealing Like A Pig. This is one of those shows that, if that was on in the lounge and you were in the kitchen ` so you couldn't see the TV, but could just hear it... Play it again, but don't look. And listen to what's said. OK. We hold hands? We hold hands? Yeah. Yeah. If this goes, it's gonna really hurt, you know. If this goes, it's gonna really hurt, you know. Yeah. One, two, three... Go. There we are. Voila. (SHRIEKS) That's` And that is almost beautifully romantic, isn't it? In the show Diggers, the stars spend so much of their lives using metal detectors to find things that, when something actually shows up, they've got a bit of a tendency to overreact. BOTH YELL DELIRIOUSLY That's a coin. Oh, it's gotta be a coin! Are you kiddin' me? Look at the size of that thing. Are you kiddin' me? Look at the size of that thing. Get that dirt off of there. What is it? SCREAMS: Oh, it's, for sure, a coin! It's a colonial coin! (CACKLES) Yeah! Yeah, all right, mate. All right. I found one of the old 50c pieces down my couch last week. You don't see me going on about it. So, it's a show called Diggers. They don't have diggers. They have their hands in people's backyards, and they're finding dollars. National Geographic Channel must be hitting some hard times, eh? If you wanted your veggie garden dug up, you could be, like, 'Oh, there's heaps of stuff out the back. 'Just dig it all up. There's probably... I tell you what, I'll put some markers out 'where I reckon all the treasures are, and you dig. Dig deep, too. Really aerate the soil, 'cos that's where all the good stuff's... And then put some of this compost in while you're digging. 'It'll help soften up the ground. And then, when you're about to leave, put some of these seeds in. 'I don't know. I've just got a feeling they attract treasures.' 'I don't know. I've just got a feeling they attract treasures.' LAUGHS: Treasures? Well, next up, a clip from fly-on-the-wall British documentary The Hotel, where Christian seems very keen to convince Nadine that he does not compare. I just get cut off, Nadine. I just get cut off. I just get cut off, Nadine. I just get cut off. No, cos you compare... No, I don't. I don't compare. I don't compare. (CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY) (CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY) No, I don't compare, Nadine. I don't. I don't. I don't compare. I don't compare. I don't compare, Nadine. I think, if we've learned one thing, it's that Nadine is not a very good listener. I just think that's the worst Sinead O'Connor karaoke cover ever. 'I don't compare. I don't compare.' Um, The Hotel ` anyone else? Any thoughts? I sensed some tension in the clip. I sensed some tension in the clip. Yes. But I assumed she was, uh, urging the man to place a review on TripAdvisor of the place and he was outright refusing. 'When I go to a hotel, I do not compare...' 'I never compare. I just stay and go.' Time for our Best Bits Awards now, where we recognise this week's outstanding achievements in TV. The Animal Lovers Award goes to this young man from Maori TV's City Slickers Rodeo, who knows what he likes and isn't afraid to express it. Let your reins loose. Don't pull your reins. I love my horse. I want to give him carrots tomorrow. I'll give him carrots and apples tomorrow. Later in the show, he asks the horse if the horse loves him back. But unfortunately she says, 'Neigh.' Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you very much. His heart is pure, that boy. Um, yeah, but I like to think that's what he gives everyone he loves. He's, like, 'Happy Mothers' Day!' I agree with the boy. I love my horse as well, with carrots and apples. It's delicious. Any more on horsies? I rode a horse once. I rode a horse once. Yes? Go on. No, that's it. No, that's it. OK. I've actually got more from this show. This is the Treat 'Em Right Award, and it goes to this ladies' man from City Slickers Rodeo, who's got both horses and women sussed. It's my horse. Yeah, had a little bit of a romance with the horse and started hugging her, feeding her, you know. Pretty much like females, I guess ` once you feed her, they fall in love with you. And I tell you what else they both like ` new shoes. They will also kick you in the balls if you creep up behind them. We're gonna take a break on Best Bits. We'll be back soon with our favourite Big Fat Gypsy moments in our topic of the week. See you soon. 1 Hey. Welcome back to Best Bits, where each week we take a closer look at one aspect of TV in our topic of the week. This week we're looking at lifestyle shows. The best lifestyle shows give us a bit of a window into how other people live. The standout show in this category, of course, is Big Fat Gypsy Weddings, which shows us that, just because you're a gypsy, doesn't mean you can't raise some beautiful, well-spoken children. Bullshit! Yes! Yes! Now... Now, before you go getting all judgemental, he only swears like that when he's drunk. So emphatic, as well. That kid made sure he did not have a subtitle. Everybody was clear what he said. Marcel, we don't really have gypsies in NZ. Do you have them in France? What are they? Yeah. They are travellers. So they travel. We have them in France. They... Uh,... two years ago, quite controversial, the travellers, they are getting moved away all the time, out of France. My father, very anti the gypsies, says, 'They are called travellers, 'so why do they complain when they are moved on?' No, but it's not... No, it's not good. It's no argument. You know, you can't, on the bus, pass electricity through the conductor and go, 'Huh.' He has every right to be furious. OK. OK. One episode that sticks in my mind so clearly is that they were following a little dude, not too unlike that guy, and he was running around the neighbourhood, getting up to all sort of mischief. And then it was, like, 'Oh, where's he gone?' And he came around the corner driving a digger. And he drove up to the caravan where his mum was living. She's, like, 'What the bloody hell have you got?' He's, like, 'It's a digger! Can I keep it?' She's, like, 'Ah, do what you bloody want, then.' It's, like, that's the best mum in the world. Maybe use that digger to find a colonial coin. Now, while we're on the topic of parenting, check out this gypsy mum, who has some unusual priorities around child safety. What are you you looking for in a camp? Like, um, fenced; away from the road. Children has to be kept in, because you're afraid in case they get run over or whatever. Sit back, Lily Anne, and stop. Yeah, you know what works even better than a seat belt? Telling your child, 'Sit back. Stop.' What they don't tell you is that child was driving. Now, marriage can be a tricky subject when you're a gypsy and everyone lives so close together. My advice is, if you happen to fall in love with your cousin, best not to make a big deal about it. It happens a lot in the traveller community. Cousins marry cousins. Like, my dad and mum is first cousins. ...for getting married off him. I mean, I framed my law degree. I framed the certificate from the half-marathon I did. I don't honestly know if I'd frame a piece of paper that authorised me to sleep with my cousin. I don't understand why she's hanging it up. That seems like the sort of piece of paper you have to carry around with you at all times. To some very niche lifestyles now. If you've ever wished that your child was more interested in sport, this clip may change your mind. 11-year-old Dylan routinely dead-lifts 130 pounds. I do like working out. It's like my coffee in the morning. If I don't do it, I don't feel right. Nobody would agree with a child that age doing weights, surely. I don't agree with it, cos now there's an 11-year-old who can beat me up. Also, can we go back? It says he bench-presses a hundred and...? Also, can we go back? It says he bench-presses a hundred and...? 130 pounds. But if you look at... That just says 5kg. There'll be CrossFit people. You know CrossFit people? They're the worst. Do you know CrossFit people? They're horrible. They're not even real people any more. They're more CrossFit than they are people. We've been calling it bench press. They'll be, like, crying that we're calling that a bench press. It was a dead lift. And how do you know someone's doing CrossFit? Don't fucking worry about it. They'll tell you within five minutes of talking to them. They'll be panicking that we were saying bench press instead of` So I don't want to be attacked by you crazy, roided-up protein freaks in the street. So we know that was dead lifting. And I didn't mean to call you roided-up protein freaks. I got really into CrossFit... until I found out it wasn't just how many hot cross buns you can fit in. You might remember lifestyles of the rich and famous. These days we're just as interested in the lifestyles of people with no money at all. On Kevin McCloud's Slumming It, the multimillionaire host does his best to be sensitive and respectful to the people he's getting rich off. Which way does it go, though? Which one? I don't want it. I bloody well don't want it! Yeah. 'When I agreed to film this show about the Indian slums, I didn't think I'd be getting dirty.' It's wonderful to see an Englishman saying, 'Have this back. It's yours.' Feel it's several decades too late. All right, that's it for our topic of the week. We'll be back after the break with the world's stupidest Wheel Of Fortune contestant. See you soon on Best Bits. 1 Welcome back to Best Bits. It's time now for the best of the TV you don't get to see in... Now, when appearing on a game show, most contestants understand that they probably won't win. The most important thing, with so many people watching at home, is to try not to do anything that makes you look stupid ` like this woman trying to guess the answer 'booking my shore excursion' on Wheel Of Fortune. WOMAN, EXCITEDLY: X? WOMAN, EXCITEDLY: X? HOST: Uh-huh. There's an X. WOMAN, EXCITEDLY: X? HOST: Uh-huh. There's an X. APPLAUSE M? Yes, there's an M. Pick up that half-car ` not that it'll do any good, cos both halves are out. I'd like to solve the puzzle. I'd like to solve the puzzle. OK. Boozing my shore excursion. BUZZER BLARES Ironically, if that had been NZ Wheel Of Fortune, a boozing excursion would have been the right answer. Lucky that woman only won half a car. Try to think what she would do with a full one. Unless it was a World War II soldier-themed episode of Wheel Of Fortune, cos surely they would be the only people that would have ever said 'booking my shore excursion'. Surely a soldier, it would be, 'Boofing my shore excursion.' The phrase? Boofing? For... Yeah, I guess you could boof someone. Would you say boofing, Rhys? Well, you wouldn't know. Heidi? Boofing? Bonking. I think bonking is probably safer. I will let you know... Yes? Yes? I have had upwards of one sexual partner. And where is she now? And where is she now? Oh, no, I'm right here. To A Current Affair Australia now, where this reporter has invented a new word. He's not gonna make a big deal of it, though ` he's just gonna try and slip it naturally into conversation and hope it catches on. Now, most of those convictions have been for texting while driving ` if you like, driving while in-text-icated. You're probably the hippest one among us, Heidi. Intexticated ` would you use that? Never. I mean, you don't know she was texting. She could have been on Twitter. She could be a retweet offender. See, I wanted him to carry on. I wanted him to be, like, 'She was telecompletely munted.' 'She was off her Facebook.' 'She was off her Facebook.' 'She'd had too much vodka phone.' 'She was Insta-slammed.' 'She was Insta-slammed.' 'On the way home, she got some 2 degreesy takeaways.' To our next clip now, which tells us a lot about US dating culture. Tell me, if your neighbourhood was on fire, would you be focused on romance? The residents are asked to stay inside. Sir, are you`? Do you live around here? Yeah. Wow. You're pretty. You want to go on a date some time? We're on the air, live right now, on KTLA, actually. Yeah, I think women should enforce the same rule as restaurants ` no shirt, no service. The most annoying part of that is she didn't give him a straight-up answer. Like, yes or no, not 'we're live on television'. No, no, the cameraman turned instantly away. He has seen this move before ` the next move. Dog on the shoulders, balls out. He knows... He knows what to do. We don't need to see that. But I think this is, like, a case of accents. Cos if Marcel had said that, it would have been, like, panties off, let's party. Yeah, it's true. Yeah, it's true. Two terriers. Always just two. It, uh, shows to the woman that you don't mean, uh, to attack. Both of the hands are occupied by dogs. The mistake he made, if anything, was only one dog. Everything else was fine? Everything else was fine? Sure. Let's move on to the world of sports now. In the build-up to last week's big fight, Floyd Mayweather showed that, although boxing is important, deep down he's almost a family a man. A comfortable life. You know, that's what it was about ` you know, my family. Family's first. Well, of course, I'm first, because I believe in self-preservation. But then, after myself, family. And, by the way, I'm no doctor, but if you're into self-preservation, boxing is not the sport for you. No, I think the man speaks truth ` yourself over family. What else is family, if not cultivating reserve organs for oneself? To TV shopping show The Cutlery Corner now, which knows that pocket knives aren't quite as exciting as they used to be. That's why they've boosted their sales pitch with some high-tech special effects. I got one big ol' question to ask. Are you ready? VOICE ECHOES Maybe it wasn't saying 'na'. Maybe the knives were made of sodium. Ah. < WOMAN: Whoo! Someone's a chemistry fan. A female whoo on the chemistry. First time Rhys has ever shared chemistry with a female. I mean, you laugh, but, seriously, who was that? I mean, you laugh, but, seriously, who was that? OK... OK. That is just about our show for another week. My thanks to our panellists, studio audience and everyone at home. Before we go, we're gonna leave you with this. Now, coming out of the closet to your parents is one of the hardest things you can do. Watch this well-meaning dad try to come to terms with his son's natural urges in this scene from My Strange Addiction. It's our Best Bits clip of the week. I'm, um... I'm just gonna come out and say it, I guess. I'm in an intimate relationship with Chase ` um, sexually and emotionally. You're in an intimate relationship with... your car? Yes. Yes. And sexually with your car? Yes. And sexually with your car? Yes. Your car. Your car. Yes. How does...? I don't... How does that work? How can you have sex with a car? Mainly it's just a lot of... just rubbing up against him. OK. Uh... Like, certain... And it involves masturbating as well. (CHUCKLES UNCOMFORTABLY) OK. Um... So you... You rub up against it, or...? I mean, I guess, like, right now, you're... Does this turn you on? Yes. They could at least have blurred the car's face. Very good. That's Best Bits for another week. See you later. Captions by Richard Edmunds. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014