Captions by June Yeow. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014 CHEERING, APPLAUSE Hello. Good evening, and welcome to Best Bits ` the best, worst and weirdest of the week's TV. I'm Jesse Mulligan. Let's meet tonight's panel. First up ` he's got a pregnant wife, a 2-year-old and a job in breakfast radio ` it's the perfect storm of human misery ` Vaughan Smith. it's the perfect storm of human misery ` Vaughan Smith. CHEERING, APPLAUSE Next to him, part performer, part producer ` she's like Dr Dre if Dr Dre had been paid by koha ` Heidi O'Loughlin. Heidi O'Loughlin. CHEERING, APPLAUSE Visiting from the International Comedy Festival, the man with the famous name ` Chris Martin. CHEERING, APPLAUSE And on the end ` his festival show was a big hit. I'm sorry, his festival show was a bit shit ` Rhys Mathewson. CHEERING, APPLAUSE CHEERING, APPLAUSE PANELLISTS: Aw! I don't mean it. OK. Let's take a look at our first clip. Now, early morning viewers of TV ONE's Breakfast may well have been wondering if they'd accidentally tuned in to some weird sort of porno Sky channel. (MUMBLES) So you've got... If you put your finger here... Get your finger... So you've got... If you put your finger here... Get your finger... < RAWDON: Oh! God! < Oh! (LAUGHS) Disgusting. (CHUCKLES) That actually would have been less graphic if they'd just have sex. LAUGHTER Coming up next on Breakfast ` literally what we had for breakfast. Coming up next on Breakfast ` literally what we had for breakfast. LAUGHTER Do you think Sam Wallace's mum sits at home and is, like, 'He kisses me with that mouth.' LAUGHTER Do you know how bad that thing we just watched was, is that, um, so, I worked in that news studio for quite a while. Not any more; long story, but` No, no, no, no, it's a short story. (LAUGHS) It's a great bloody story. It's a very short story. We've definitely got time for it. It's a very short story. We've definitely got time for it. LAUGHTER Did you not` Did you not touch his gums and you got kicked out? 'That's it.' Sam Wallace came to me with his fingers, and I said, 'No, you've gotta draw a line somewhere, babe.' No, but what I was going to say is that that whole studio is powered by robot cameras, so the fact that you heard laughter in the background, there's only one person in the room ` the autocue woman who is paid to be silent ` so that was freaking a lot of people out, that particular scene. I was going to say that that guy who you guys seem to be giving a hard time to ` he looks, like, so handsomely kind of... model. He almost looks a bit like a robot, and I can only think that that was his off switch, and she was just trying to flick it like that. Turn him off. Turn him off. He's a very hunky, uh, hunky man. Hunky, hunky man. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH When you're gonna use 'hunky' to describe someone, once is OK. But you really, like, revisited that quite a few times. But you really, like, revisited that quite a few times. I know. LAUGHTER How many episodes of this show will we have to do before we've got the sort of chemistry where someone will want to stick their grubby fingers in my mouth? where someone will want to stick their grubby fingers in my mouth? Let's do this. LAUGHTER We can't be standing! We can't be standing! Let's get the close up. Let's get the close up. LAUGHTER, GROANS How` How was it for you? It was good. It was good. Yeah. > I'm glad we've reached this point. That means you're the only person in history to be fingered by Rhys Mathewson. LAUGHTER I'm sorry. It was a big week in the Northern hemisphere this week, with the glamour and excitement of the Eurovision Song Contest. If you thought Latvians weren't cool before today, well, you might change your mind after seeing this guy. May we have your top points, please? Yes. Good evening. Everybody in the house tonight, make some noise! LAUGHTER Chris, tell me about this, because you're from England. You must have grown up with Eurovision. I don't` I don't watch it because we always get shafted. There's too much politics involved. It's never done on the best song, you know what I mean? Like, they booed the Russians this time. It's just two 17-year-old twins. They're not the ones annexing Crimea. They're not the ones annexing Crimea. LAUGHTER < They're just here to sing a song! And, uh, the bearded lady won, eh? Does anyone know anything about this? Isn't she just a man? No` No, it is a man, but he just wears a dress. Right. > Right. > So it's a bearded man. I was confused. I spent a long time googling, because I didn't know if it was, yeah, a girl with a beard or a dude with just a banging body. or a dude with just a banging body. Right. > For a guy, that was a hot bod. For a guy, that was a hot bod. Yeah. > For a guy, that was a hot bod. Yeah. > Right? I mean` I mean, it wasn't Sam Wallace on there. I mean` I mean, it wasn't Sam Wallace on there. LAUGHTER I think Eurovision would be a lot better if they made the current heads of state of all the countries sing the songs. ALL: Oh. Yeah. It would be so much better. Angela Merkel would be, like,... (SINGS) 'Don't go changing'. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER < It'd be awesome. All right. To a fishing show called 24 Hour Rod Race now, which proved sometimes when you try to make something more exciting with music, you actually make things even more boring. DRAMATIC MUSIC LAUGHTER DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES And those were the highlights of next week ` rain on a` rain on a pond and a guy ripping up a piece of bread. No, it` it was halfway there. It had the music. It had the music, but it needed the dramatic voice-over that goes with it. Yeah. Yeah. It had the music... DRAMATICALLY: 'Cup of tea! 'Lake! Hat! glasses! 'Little fish! 'That thing! 'Little bits of bread! 'Lake! And another little fish! 'It's 24 Hour Rod Race!' 'It's 24 Hour Rod Race!' LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE Needed a bit more. I think` I think that music makes it sound like the show's about the fish and humans are the bad guys. Right. That would make much more sense if you were a fish in a fish world watching that. 'Next week, he's back again, drinking his tea, ripping up his bread and killing your friends.' That's the fish equivalent of 'have you seen this man?' That's the fish equivalent of 'have you seen this man?' LAUGHTER I always think that would` like, I think actually catching a fish for sport would be` is actually meaner than catching them and killing them. Put yourself in their position ` what would freak you out more ` someone kidnapping, then murdering you; or someone kidnapping you, weighing you, kissing you, then throwing you back into your own house with no explanation whatsoever? with no explanation whatsoever? LAUGHTER It'd scar you for life. 'They took a selfie of the two of us as well. Don't know what was going on there.' All right. It's time for our Best Bits Awards now, where we recognise the week's outstanding achievements in television. First up... goes to Steve Backshall from Deadly 60. He's trying to herd fish with a slightly ineffective net. There is a danger that they might leap out over the top of the net, so we've gotta watch what we're doing, because they're very big. And, uh, it could get interesting. LOUD SPLASHING Is there anything more pleasurable than watching a meathead get scared like a little girl? LAUGHTER That's what happens when you present with your top off, though. Gills go crazy. LAUGHTER, CHEERING Whooo! I also like that if you look at the clip ` the bloke who does it regularly, the guy who's guiding him, knows they're going to kick off. Hangs by the wall ` 'This white guy's going to get murdered.' So, Deadly 60 is about him doing, like, the 60 deadliest ani` Not doing them. I'm just... LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Like, going to` Going to see the 60` I` I feel like I'm not a deadly man, and I could take on any fish. Right. > Right. > Do you know what I mean? But what about great whites, things like that? Yeah, I could` provided I get to pick the terrain. Yeah, I could` provided I get to pick the terrain. LAUGHTER (CHUCKLES) All right. The Worst Maths Lesson Award goes to Campbell Live for giving us a great lesson in drug arithmetic. It's $12.50 for 2.5g. You go buy a tinny ` my tinnies, anyway ` it'll cost you $20 for a gram. Now, you look at that ` it's going to cost you... $12.50 for 2.5; 20 bucks for 1. If I take the 2.5 one, well, I'm 10 bucks short... on my tinny. So where's that 10 bucks come from? LAUGHTER Is he a drug dealer? Is he a drug dealer? It's` From the clip, it seems a little bit like he was. He was comparing the price of his drugs to the synthetic stuff. Maybe his is so expensive cos he keeps getting caught because he keeps going on TV telling everyone he's a drug dealer. telling everyone he's a drug dealer. LAUGHTER We should let the cat out of the bag, Chris ` that is Massey University's professor of economics. LAUGHTER He'd be a nightmare to go out to dinner with and try to split the bill with at the end of the night. LAUGHTER We're going to take a break now on Best Bits. We're back soon, looking at TV crime in our Topic of the Week. See you soon. CHEERING, APPLAUSE CHEERING, APPLAUSE Hi. Welcome back to Best Bits, where each week we take a closer look at one aspect of TV in our Topic of the Week. This week, we're looking at crime. Now, the most important message for a cop show is that crime does not pay. This week, the police spokesman on Drug Bust sounded a bit like he was trying to talk us into a career in drug-dealing. And NZ's climate for it, uh, makes it easy to grow in NZ. You know, it simply is spreading some seeds, uh, letting the plants mature, then, if you know what you're doing with them, you can get the best yield out of those plants. So anybody can really do it. LAUGHTER Yeah, but then you've gotta sell the stuff, and they're doing it for $12.50 for 2.5g... LAUGHTER My tinnies are 20 for 1. Take the 2.5 away, where's the 10 coming from? LAUGHTER Can we just run that clip again? Not because I needed to see a funny thing. I just got up to 'spreading seeds'. I love how, uh` I love how little crime your country has that your police, like, chief has to just make crime to solve. 'Guys, go and make some weed so I can just do something. I am bored out of my mind over here.' He should have been, like, 'If you're going to plant them, plant them somewhere 'where we can only get to them in a helicopter, cos I like helicopter rides...' What does he do if he's talking about kidnapping? 'Guys, like, kidnapping's on the rise. If you` Kidnapping's so easy. Just hire a van,... 'choose a victim. Anyone can do it. It's easy.' All right. Now, cops on reality shows take a lot of stick. They must be relieved when they come across nice middle-aged ladies to help them with their enquiries. Please answer me 'yes' or 'no' to that. Any passengers I need to be looking for? Well, if there are passengers we need to be looking for, I think that's an attitude which, uh, is beyond me, OK? LAUGHTER Shortly afterwards, that woman was charged with 'accurately describing a police officer'. LAUGHTER I'd like to think he's looking for his hair. 'Lost your hair? And he's, like, 'That cuts so deep, lady!' 'I only joined the police force to track down my hair.' Well, you know, growing hair, Vaughan, is easy. You just sprinkle seeds... LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Anyone can do it. I'd have loved it if he'd said, 'This Kevlar vest may be stab-proof, but it still doesn't protect my feelings.' LAUGHTER What accent was that? What accent was that? LAUGHTER That was the most bizarre accent` That was the most bizarre accent` That was Wales. That was the most bizarre accent` That was Wales. That was not Wales. That is not Wales. That is not Wales. I've been living in the UK. I know how y'all talk. LAUGHTER The trick to being a cop. > The trick to being a cop. > (LAUGHS) So, you went` you started Welsh and ended up Indian at the end of that. So, you went` you started Welsh and ended up Indian at the end of that. LAUGHTER I, uh` I think that's actually not that unlike most British people, how we treat people of authority, like police. You are more polite to police ` you'd never call them a pig. Traffic wardens ` are you guys rude to them? Not really. Quite respectful. > Not really. Quite respectful. > Over there, they are the most` I could never be a traffic warden. My favourite thing I've seen is a traffic warden in his tea break in a cafe, just next to me, just in his uniform, drinking a tea, like,... 'Just take these few minutes to just gather my thoughts. The world's OK.' Psyched himself up for ages, walked out the door ` I swear to God the door opened that much, and a guy in a white van went, 'Wanker!' like that. and a guy in a white van went, 'Wanker!' like that. LAUGHTER 'Every time!' You learn all sorts of things from crime shows, like in this clip from Cops, which shines some light on the pecking order of illegal jobs. And she come back 10 minutes later, hollering, 'Give me my money back.' 'No, you ain't bought nothing from here.' Don't disrespect my child. This is my child. < Mm-hm. < Mm-hm. I don't sell crack. I'm a prostitute. LAUGHTER OK, so it's prostitute and then crack dealer. I guess that Hamilton Boys' High guidance counsellor was right. It was hard to understand, but you get the gist of it. Someone had accused her of being a drug dealer, and she said, 'No, I'm a prostitute.' Maybe that's what the ombudsman's for. I've been confused about him. Maybe that's what the ombudsman's for. I've been confused about him. Or the Citizens Advice Bureau. Yeah. > (KNOCKS) 'Yeah, Citizens Advice Bureau. Yes, how can we help you?' 'Do you deal in matters regarding crack cocaine?' Is it still around? You and I are about the same age. It was a big thing when we were kids, but have you heard of Citizens Advice? No. Oh, no. We've got this thing called the internet. Oh, no. We've got this thing called the internet. LAUGHTER Tell me more. Tell me more. If you've got a question, just look it up there. Generally, you'll have two answers and a picture of a dick. Generally, you'll have two answers and a picture of a dick. LAUGHTER Especially if your question is, 'Can I see a dick?' Especially if your question is, 'Can I see a dick?' LAUGHTER Before the internet, you went to the Citizens Advice Bureau for pictures of cats and to have a wank, so it is exactly` it is exactly like the internet. Now, the fear of crime is a good way to sell products. The secret, as this US commercial shows, is to not lay it on too thick. GIRL SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY OMINOUS MUSIC GLASS SHATTERS Hi, my daughter and I are here by ourselves. Someone's in our house. (PHONE) WOMAN: We'll be there in two minutes. (PHONE) WOMAN: We'll be there in two minutes. We don't have two minutes. MACHINE GUN FIRES Honey, can you bring Mommy the mop? For all your self-defence needs. LAUGHTER Yes, get Mummy the mop, darling. She's killed an intruder, the dog and three of the neighbours. That advert's basically teaching intruders to bring more than a knife to a crime or you'll get killed. Why does she need a machine gun, as well? Surely just a normal... That's every gun owner's fantasy, is, like, the person breaks in and you're, like,... Rrrrr! But it's not like that. Normally, it's just your supermodel girlfriend going to the toilet. LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE Very good. > I'd love to have a gun like that. Does anyone else freak out when they're in bed on their own` Like, the other day in the hotel here, I was` you know, when you hear a noise in your room, like, you think, 'How would I react?' I realised this is all I do if I think there's someone in. I hear a noise, and I just go, 'Hello?' I hear a noise, and I just go, 'Hello?' LAUGHTER 'Hello?' Like, unless they're scared of Lionel Richie, they're not going to run away. And then I just go, 'Is there someone there?' And they're gonna go, 'Yeah, OK, you caught me before I stabbed you. It's` I'm out. Sorry. 'Yeah. Doesn't count if you heard me first. It's all good.' I'll sometimes clear my throat. Like, if I'm, uh, if I'm at home, you know, in bed and I hear a sound, I'll be, like,... (CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY) in bed and I hear a sound, I'll be, like,... (CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY) HEIDI: That's quite mouthy. What you should really say is, 'Oh, God, I'm so glad I had so many people round for this knife party 'we're having tonight.' 'we're having tonight.' LAUGHTER 'we're having tonight.' LAUGHTER Oh... That's it for our topic of the week. We'll be back after the break with a newsreader that looks like a pig in our Best Bits from Around the World. See you soon. CHEERING, APPLAUSE CHEERING, APPLAUSE Hello there. Welcome back. It's time now for the best of the TV you don't get see in our Best Bits from Around the World. French people, as everyone knows, are classy and sophisticated. Unfortunately, their cats are very stupid. Keep an eye on the bottom of the screen. WOMAN SPEAKS FRENCH THUNK! LAUGHTER To be fair to the cat, like, 90% of French glass is just a mime doing this. (LAUGHS) > That had to be, like` They're filming about a boulangerie, yeah? That whole thing is a set-up. Like, there is no way they acc` They must have left open` I reckon they put a mouse on the other side and were, like, 'Let's see what happens.' Imagine trying to justify putting that in to the, like, director, going, 'Um, it's about boulangeries, but a cat did run well fast into the wall.' LAUGHTER LAUGHTER 'I know it's technically not related, but it's well funny.' I like that they just couldn't get a normal shot; that it's just that kind of town where animals constantly... The recipe did say bake at 200 degrees for 15 minutes or until cat hits door. I-I actually speak French, and that lady was talking about laser pointers, so... LAUGHTER Now, Aussies are good at a lot of things, but being sober is not one of them. This week an Australian documentary met a young woman doing her very best to cut back. We're 21. Like, we're old enough to regulate our own drinking. I'm not a huge drinker any more. In fact, I'm drinking cordial with my vodka this evening. LAUGHTER Cordial? What are ya, pregnant? Cordial? What are ya, pregnant? LAUGHTER That's predrinking, isn't it? That's where people, like, drink cheap. We call it preloading. > We call it preloading. > Oh, preloading? Two NZ traditions you need to know. First is preloading, where you do it at home, then go to the pub. The other is sideloading, where you take the car to the pub and you drink in the car park. Oh right, I was going to say... Sorry, I don't really get that. I don't get the preloading/predrinking thing. I think you should go out, enjoy. My favourite is when you go back to someone's house and all of the mixes have run out, and people are desperately trying to improvise. 4am, one of my favourite things to hear is, 'What are you drinking?' And they're, like, 'Gin and skimmed milk.' And they're, like, 'Gin and skimmed milk.' LAUGHTER Security cameras are popping up everywhere, as we see in our next clip. The thing is, they've got so small these days that most of the time you don't know you're being filmed. MAN: gonna put you in a stealth position. WOMAN: Hey, Marvin, what are you doing? Well, I'm installing surveillance cameras. Aim it right at the pool. It was never gonna work, was it? That's a great idea. If I'm a burglar and I see that as a surveillance camera, these guys have got nothing worth stealing. That is... I reckon the battery's got, like, two hours at most on that, and all the footage is going to be him just gaffering it up. The battery would run out, but how much tape` I remember those things ` the tape was only 30 minutes long. Yeah, but you could put it on long play and get 60 out of it. Now, TV newsreaders are notoriously vain. However, Hayley Wielgus of ABC 7 has every right to be disappointed with this. Share this information with your family and friends so if you get a similar call, make sure to contact them. Pigs are apparently running rampant in a Venice community. LAUGHTER And that is what happens when you break up with the guy who works in the control room. It's amazing to see how a mistake like that could happen, cos it should be simple ` she's on this side of the screen, so you put the picture on the other one. I think it's to distract from what a crap story it is, that pigs are running wild in a neighbourhood. Surely, it's not` How do pigs run wild in a neighbourhood? And also, why do you need a picture? In case you don't know what a pig looks like? LAUGHTER LAUGHTER In case you weren't sure! LAUGHTER In case you weren't sure! 'A pig, seen here...' LAUGHTER That's our show for another week. My thanks to the panellists, to our studio audience, and to you at home. Before we go, if you want to keep your job as a shopping channel host, it's good to agree with everything, even when your co-host is discussing something you know nothing about, like this guy in our clip of the week. I'm going to say for all those girls out there` I'm going to say for all those girls out there` Go for it. ...who really really struggle` Yep. ...with wearing a shoe every day to work, wearing a shoe when you're standing up. Maybe you're a hairdresser; maybe you work in the hospitality industry; maybe you're in the nursing or the fed` federal` the medical industry; any of those industries` Yep. Yep. ...where you're on your tootsies` All day. All day. ...every single day. LAUGHTER I don't know about you guys, but I feel like that guy knows what I'm going through as a woman. All right. Thank you very much, folks. See you next week. Goodnight. Goodbye! Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014