1 Captions by Faith Hamblyn. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014 CHEERING, APPLAUSE Well, hello. Good evening, and welcome to Best Bits ` the best, worst and weirdest of the week's TV. I'm Jesse Mulligan. Let's meet tonight's panel. First up, he lives in West Auckland, but he practised by growing up in Morrinsville ` it's Vaughan Smith. but he practised by growing up in Morrinsville ` it's Vaughan Smith. CHEERING, LAUGHTER She knows everything about Harry Potter and nothing about why that's a problem ` it's Heidi O'Loughlin. This is exciting ` on Sunday night, he won the 2014 Billy T Award! Guy Montgomery. CHEERING, APPLAUSE (CHEERS) And proof that the Billy T Award doesn't always lead to success ` Rhys Mathewson. 2010. OK. Let's look at our first clip now. This week, John Key and a little friend found out that sometimes grand openings aren't quite as impressive as you might hope. Prime Minister and Jared, we'd like to invite you together to turn on the power on three. Do it on the count of three? OK. One, two, three. Well done. Well done. APPLAUSE LAUGHTER Still, it is nice to see John Key next to such a big fan. Still, it is nice to see John Key next to such a big fan. LAUGHTER John Key's, like, 'Shall we do it on the count of three?' Doesn't even pause for the kid to say, 'Yep.' 'OK, cool. One, two, three.' Failure. That's cos we the kid's helping him, not the other way. It's the same approach to governing: 'Shall we sell the assets? All right. One, two, three. Let's go.' Time for a handshake. How many hands do we need? One, two, three. Was that even the switch for that fan? Maybe it was the switch for a local lighthouse or something. Maybe, like, somewhere else, like, a sprinkler's gonna come on and spray everyone. Now, last week on Best Bits, we had a cheap laugh when a stupid French cat ran into a door. It got such a good response, we've decided to revisit the genre this week, this time with a stupid dog. It's our new home. It's our new home. DOORBELL RINGS Shall I let him out or...? Oh. Sky, you stupid dog! LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Yeah, and that's insult to injury, by the way ` the dog's just... smashed his head into a glass wall, and she's all, 'You're a stupid dog.' No, actually, you'll find that door was open and that dog is just a really good mime. LAUGHTER She calls it stupid, but she was the thing two seconds earlier going, 'Ding, ding, ding, ding' on the doorbell and going,... (GIGGLES) 'Ding, ding, ding.' (CHORTLES) 'Ding, ding, ding.' 'Ding, ding, ding.' LAUGHTER It's like a dog ` someone's at the door? Someone's at the door? It's like a dog ` someone's at the door? Someone's at the door? Oh, it's me. It's me. LAUGHTER All right. To smash-hit TV show House Rules now, where the contestants have to be pretty sharp. Just try getting anything past this guy. This is probably where they sit and watch all their TV, I'd say. This is probably where they sit and watch all their TV, I'd say. Oh, really, Russell? LAUGHTER Yeah, and there's a, uh, toaster over there ` that's probably where they do most of their toasting. 'What makes you think that?' 'Oh, just a feeling.' My House Rules ` really big show. Has anyone watched it? Can anyone explain it to me? So, there's all these teams, and they each own a house. And each week` Unrealistic. Unrealistic. LAUGHTER (LAUGHS) And each week, all the people that are on the show that don't own that house go to that house and do up rooms. The people who own the house get the week off. And so at the end of it, if you did up everybody else's house way sweeter than they did up yours, you win. But you've got a house that's not sweet. you win. But you've got a house that's not sweet. LAUGHTER The people just let people come in and do what they want with their rooms? Yeah. Yeah. What a stupid concept! Yeah. What a stupid concept! No, there's rules to it. House rules. House rules. LAUGHTER All right. Our next clip now ` One News Australian correspondent Steve Marshall has to wake up ridiculously early to do a live cross to Breakfast back here in NZ, so it's not surprising that he just very occasionally mixes up his words. In the lead-up to the election, he has broken, uh, promises about cunding futs` uh, sorry, funding cuts. uh, sorry, funding cuts. LAUGHTER uh, sorry, funding cuts. LAUGHTER I got that one right then. It could have been... That could have been a lot worse. I think it was pretty bad. But, um, we'll pretend that didn't happen. LAUGHTER A cunding fut? Nice work, knuck fuckle. We can say 'cunding' on television? We can say 'cunding' on television? You are. As of Tuesday morning on Breakfast, yes. That is cunding great news. That is cunding great news. LAUGHTER I think that this was the one time that Paul Henry missed being on Breakfast. He was probably sitting at home, just being, like, 'I would have got three hours out of that!' To Australian modelling contest The Face now, which shows us that if you're gonna storm out of a room, you'd better make sure you know where the exit is first. You're rude. You're rude. I'm hearing` You're rude. I'm hearing` You know what? I'm just gonna... You are <BLEEP>. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC You wanna work with me, you're gonna really work with me. MUSIC CONTINUES How do I get out of here? How do I get out of here? LAUGHTER Here's my question ` if you don't know where the door is, how did you get in? I don't know why they bleeped that swear word ` she said 'cunding fut,' and we all know that's OK to say on television now. It's really hard for a model to do a storm-out, though, cos after about 20m, they stop and go... and then turn back around. and then turn back around. LAUGHTER All right. It's time for our Best Bits Awards now, where we recognise this week's outstanding achievements in television. First up ` the award for Worst Chat-up Line goes to this contestant from Beauty And The Geek, who showed us that it's not just his looks that have been scaring the girls away. I've got a passion for entomology, but my special talent is that I can roar. (ROARS) LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE Uh, what do you think ` was he a beauty or a geek? Uh, what do you think ` was he a beauty or a geek? LAUGHTER Hey, like, we scoff, but that was quite a good roar. I'm totally with you, Vaughan. I mean, we can't really lampoon that kid for what is a bang-up roar. I'd defy anyone on the panel right now to do a better roar than what that guy just did. What about you? Come on. What about you? Come on. Yeah, all right. Uh,... (SQUAWKS) LAUGHTER LAUGHTER You sound like you're dying. LAUGHTER You sound like you're dying. (SQUAWKS) (SQUAWKS) I'm getting there. I'm getting there. ALL BELLOW ALL BELLOW ALL BELLOW (CHUCKLES) Well, who feels silly now? (CHUCKLES) Well, who feels silly now? LAUGHTER Do you do any animal noises? I can't. But some animal noises would be appropriate for a date and some wouldn't. You know, like, you could do a cute little pigeon, like a... (COOS) Something like that. How is pigeon the most romantic of animals? You'd wanna have sex with me if I can remind you of the time a grubby bird tried to eat a sandwich out of your hand? (SQUAWKS) LAUGHTER Weirdly enough, 'grubby bird stealing a sandwich out of your hand' is Jesse's lovemaking style. Yeah, it's ringing some bells. (LAUGHS) > This is how he wound them in down in Wellington. This is how he wound them in down in Wellington. LAUGHTER 'Sup, baby. Got a couple of crumbs there. 'Sup, baby. Got a couple of crumbs there. LAUGHTER All right. Our next award ` the Crazy Uncle of the Nation Award ` and it goes to Jim Hickey, who these days is so old and so beloved, he really doesn't have to care any more. Enter your fancy recipes into the Vogels Toast Of NZ competition online. Next on the menu is ONE News weather. Vogels. Ooh, hello. (LAUGHS) I thought it was Vogels bread. (LAUGHS) Did we have the Vogels bread on a moment ago? Anyway, hi, everybody. I got a heck of a shock when I saw that. He's generally a shambles, but we love Jim, don't we, audience? We love Jim. CHEERING CHEERING He's adorable. APPLAUSE I love Jim Hickey. I love him so much. And I genuinely think he should get a knighthood. Do you? > I genuinely do. Like, he's a NZ treasure, so I think we should spread the word. Uh, you can do it in the Metro, cos you write columns for them. Vaughan, you can mention it on radio. Guy and Heidi, we need some posters put up. Guy and Heidi, we need some posters put up. LAUGHTER Where are you gonna do it, Rhys? Where are you gonna do it, Rhys? Right here. I'm on the ground floor of this smooth operation. Nation ` Jim Hickey, knighthood for services to small talk. Let's do it. It looked like he was... I'm just gonna say it. It looked like Jim was blazed. Because he saw the delicious Vogels thing, and then he was, like... 'Vogels. I` Fucking hell! Jesus! Who put that there? Where am I? What's happening?' Last thing old Jim knew, he was starting up the Cessna, flying up from New Plymouth. 'Did I have some toast around here or what?' 'Did I have some toast around here or what?' LAUGHTER Um, now, Jim Hickey is a good man, he's a God-fearing Christian, but can we please just watch this clip one more time, imagining he's just had a joint and is really hungry for some toast? Enter your fancy recipes into the Vogels Toast Of NZ competition online. Next on the menu is ONE News weather. Vogels. Ooh, hello. hello. (LAUGHS) I thought it was Vogels bread. (LAUGHS) Did we have the Vogels bread on a moment ago? Anyway, hi, everybody. I got a heck of a shock when I saw that. Anyway, hi, everybody. I got a heck of a shock when I saw that. LAUGHTER (GUFFAWS) We'll take a break now on Best Bits. We'll be back soon looking at documentaries in our topic of the week. See you soon. APPLAUSE 1 Welcome back to Best Bits, where each week we take a closer look at one aspect of TV in our topic of the week. This week we're looking at nature documentaries. Now, wildlife docos give us a great insight into how various animals relate to each other. In David Attenborough's Africa, a leopard misses out on catching a deer but spies a squirrel. See if you can see the moment when the squirrel sees the leopard. He's blown it. LAUGHTER I like to think that squirrel's, like, 'I forgot the kids at squirrel school.' Or he's, like, 'Oh, God, there's David Attenborough. I owe him money!' The look on that squirrel's face is like when you're a kid and you see your dad, like, trying to hang up a picture and he puts a hole in the wall. You see it, and you're about to go, 'Oh, Dad, I'm telling Mum.' And he looks at you, and you're, like... And you just scoot off without saying anything. One thing you can guarantee from a good documentary is a few choice pieces of trivia you can wheel out at your next dinner party. Like, I bet you didn't know this, from the show Big River Man. The river has crocodiles, deadly fish and snakes, parasites and insects, many of which would be hard to avoid. The deadly candiru fish can swim up your penis, and if it does, no more penis. LAUGHTER GUFFAWING No more penis?! I'm totally taking 'swim the Amazon' off my bucket list. He is far too nonchalant. He is the River Man, he spends time in the river, and is so nonchalant about a fish that swims up penises. I thought the nonchalance was really hammered home by there's, like, a Hawaiian piece of music which plays at the end. Did you hear it? Play it again. The deadly candiru fish can swim up your penis, and if it does, no more penis. HAWAIIAN MUSIC LAUGHTER That looks like the creepiest episode of SpongeBob ever. He sounds like the guy from SpongeBob! Three hours later... The best documentaries are those that feature someone with an obsession. In the Discovery Channel's Grizzly Man, Timothy Treadwell loves everything about bears. Seriously, everything. It just came out of her butt. I can feel it. I can feel the poop. It's warm. It just came from her butt. This was just inside of her, my girl. I'm touching it. It's her poop. It's Wendy's poop. I don't wanna spoil the ending of this, but let's just say that, unfortunately, Timothy gets to experience first-hand what it feels like to end up as bear poop. Based on these last two clips, it seems like there's a subgenre of documentaries called Lonely Men Who Have Found Their Niche. That actually was the third take he had done with poo, cos the first one was too hard, and the second poo was too soft. Oh! And the third one was just right. (SMOOCHES) Can we even be sure Wendy was the name of a bear ` that wasn't a woman working on the production who was, like, 'I'm just gonna nip over there for a shit. Nobody watch.' Yeah, what he lacked in zoological knowledge, he made up for in keenness to touch faeces. 'Got an idea for a show about bears.' 'What do you know about bears?' 'Yeah, not a lot, but I'll touch anything.' 'Yeah, not a lot, but I'll touch anything.' LAUGHTER 'Love them.' Can I say, Guy, this is the first time you've been on the show without a, uh, dirty sex-offender moustache, and I'm not sure ` I preferred you with the moustache. You're not alone, mate. I can barely look at myself in the mirror now. Why did you shave it? You look baby-faced. Well, coincidently, that's why I'm doing it ` I'm pretending to be someone younger than me for a` for a... short film, which is gonna reap a whole lot of profits, that I'm making with a friend. You look like the sort of person that you would have been attracted to as the guy with the moustache. It's nice to have you back, and you're a Billy T Award winner, and we're proud to have you this week. I'm gonna really cut you to your emotional core, but we're very proud of you. I'm gonna insinuate some awful, awful things about you. Like Dad at the side of the rugby, like, 'By the way, you're adopted, but good hustle, good hustle.' All right, now, we've been working hard to find something intelligent to say about this next clip, but it's better just to be honest ` we found this one amusing because it looks like somebody is drawing a giant penis. For traders heading out from Glasgow, the construction of the Crinan Canal meant they could cut through a fearsome obstacle to the western seaboard. Before the canal's coast-to-coast route, boats had to navigate round the Mull of Kintyre, a 240-mile trek through some treacherous waters. LAUGHTER That clip was really hard for me to watch, because a doctor cut off the tip of my Mull of Kintyre when I was very young. LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE (CHORTLES) That's it for our topic of the week. We'll be back after the break with some passionately weird political debate in our Best Bits from Around the World. See you soon. in our Best Bits from Around the World. See you soon. CHEERING 1 CHUCKLING CHUCKLING Hey. Welcome back. It's time now for the best of the TV you don't get to see in our Best Bits from Around the World. Eurosport this week featured a bittersweet moment for one Spanish cyclist, who perhaps starting celebrating his win one lap too early. One rider I saw at the front, very interestingly, a rider that can ride himself into form, he thinks he's won. a rider that can ride himself into form, he thinks he's won. Yeah. No, no, that's a little bit unfortunate for the Spaniard, clearly doesn't understand English. The commentator's saying, 'No, no, no.' That is a shame. There's, uh, one lap to go, my friend. LAUGHTER Yes, I hope you enjoyed the celebration, cos you're about to embark on the world's most stressful victory lap. That guy wasn't even in the race; he just figured out how to ride his bike with no hands and was stoked. 'Yes! Whoo-hoo!' He must be so gutted. He'd have been, like, 'Oh, what a waste of all that blood doping!' That's one of the side effects of those performance-enhancing drugs is finishing early. LAUGHTER I think it's great revenge because you know at some stage he's ridden side by side with another cyclist and made it really hard for you to pass. and made it really hard for you to pass. Yeah. > And he's probably clip-clopped into a cafe wearing his clippity-cloppity cycling shoes, and he got a long black and a brioche and you've seen the outline of his dick and balls. It can really put a guy off his eggs Benedict with salmon. Aw! I feel like cyclists are getting a bum rap on this show. 'Cause there's so many drugs in the sport that if you took them out, the sport would collapse cos all of a sudden it's way less impressive. So I reckon you go the other way and you make drugs mandatory, but you make it a pot luck, so you only find out what drugs they've given you when they start to kick in. That is great. At the opening line, there's just a bag, and everyone takes a thing out. (MUNCHES) They go through and 20 minutes in, some people are, like, 'Oh my God, these trees are really good at cycling.' 'Fly, dragon bike, fly!' OK, you've convinced me ` cycling is a dirty sport. you should take up something honourable, like cricket. All right, next clip, and if these two end up getting married, let's hope they don't plan to live off his income as a portrait artist. So I thought it would be a bit of a laugh to have a little sketch of her. This is so romantic. I feel like I'm on Titanic. This is so romantic. I feel like I'm on Titanic. Do you wanna see it? Oh, no, it's amazing. LAUGHTER Yes, at some point, all artists must learn a hard lesson ` that women don't have bums on the front of their bodies. Yeah, he's, like, 'Sorry about your hand ` I welded it to the ship.' It looks like he drew her facing the other way and she's just got a neck which can go 180 degrees. It's bad when you have to show someone a drawing and say, 'Yeah, those are seagulls, not flying M's.' OK, got a very special clip from the world of baseball now, where things can get pretty boring on the field. But luckily, there's usually a wee bit of fun happening in the stands. Yeah, the breaking ball has really been his kryptonite, especially from the right-hander. As soon as he learns to recognise that pitch a little bit earlier... See that kid there in the pink glasses? Earlier in the game, Luis Rivera throws him a baseball. Now watch what he does. He catches that baseball, and then turns to the group of young ladies behind him and says, 'Hey, ladies, would you like a ball?' And they go, 'Aw, aren't you so sweet?' But then he says, 'I gave her the other ball.' The problem is he's got the gamer in his glove. He never took the gamer out. APPLAUSE APPLAUSE CONTINUES Yes, it's a nice move, son, but no woman in America is gonna trust you for the rest of your life. If you look at his dad ` I assume it's his dad ` in the red shirt in the clip, he's so pumped at his son's sleight of hand. So we're looking for his dad, are we, in the red shirt? > So we're looking for his dad, are we, in the red shirt? > Yeah. 'Hey, ladies, would you like a ball?' And they go, 'Aw, aren't you so sweet?' It's a much bigger budget than NZ. They're like, 'Yeah, you can have it.' NZ would be, like, 'We only have one ball, Gary.' Hit it out of the park ` 'We can't keep playing till we find the ball.' It's the only one we budgeted for, all right? I know it's stupid. I just think it's great. I think it's, like, 'Baseball ` helping white kids get laid since 1860.' It's great to see the game at the game. Yeah, I reckon later on, he turned round and was, like, 'I'm not on the team, but I am a player.' That is just about our show for the week. My thanks to the panellists, to our studio audience and you at home. Before we go, if you're depressed about the voting options in the NZ election this year, thank God you don't live in Idaho. In this clip from a televised debate, candidate Harley Brown demonstrates the importance of staying on track when answering basic political questions. Here's my plan of attack, OK? You go in there and you use spiritual warfare. Everybody talks about the natural, but I'm gonna talk about the other realm we exist in. You bind those evil spirits that are behind the fence with the blood of Jesus, the name of Jesus, the power of the Holy Spirit, the power of agreement, the word of God. Take air superiority, and then roll in with your tanks` Mr Brown. > Mr Brown. > ...lawsuits. Blitzkrieg. Mr Brown,... > Mr Brown,... > Yes, ma'am. ...the question was about taxes. Do you think they're about right in Idaho, too high or too low? LAUGHTER Colin Craig's billboards this year should be a picture of that guy and the slogan, 'Look, I could be worse.' 'Look, I could be worse.' LAUGHTER And that is our show for another week. Goodnight. See you next week on Best Bits. Goodbye. Captions by Faith Hamblyn. Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014