Captions by Richard Edmunds. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014 CHEERING, APPLAUSE Hello there. Good evening, and welcome to Best Bits ` all the best, worst and weirdest of the week's TV. My name's Jesse Mulligan. Nice to have you with us. Let's meet tonight's panel. First up ` from Fletch, Vaughan and Megan, and because Fletch and Megan were unavailable, it's Vaughan Smith. She's so obsessed with television that, just by being here at TVNZ, she's violating three separate restraining orders. It's Heidi O'Loughlin. Her latest film was a huge hit at the Sundance Film Festival. Whatever. I was on Fair Go last week. You don't see me going on about it. It's Jackie van Beek. And, if Billy T was the heart of NZ comedy, this guy's the annoying tuft of pubic hair you can't quite comb out. It's Rhys Mathewson. All right, to our first clip now, and one of the contestants on House Rules is a bit more excitable than the others. Watch closely. See if you can spot which one. The first house to be completely transformed belongs to... DRAMATIC MUSIC CRESCENDOES That's an amazing face, isn't it? Yeah. Maybe she got Botox just before her first big TV appearance, and she's got no choice but to hold that look for 15 seconds. So you think, even when they tell her that she's lost the home, she's getting kicked out, she'll be... 'Aw. What's happened? We've lost? 'We'll lose our house too. We can't make mortgage repayments. Heartbreaking. Heartbreaking.' Yeah. It's a very big show. It seems to be on every night at the moment. This is the new thing on TV, right? You have a new show, and then every time you tune in, it's on. It's the TV networks trying to, like, create television events. Cos they realise that you won't give a shit about these people if you wait six days to see them again. So they try to, like, cram it down your throat, so that, like, in a week's time... Like the news, eh? Every night. Ugh. Yeah, talk about dragging it out. Wendy Petrie and Simon Dallow have been 'will they won't they' for years. There's a lot of debate in the US over access to automatic weapons. But, as you'll see in this next clip, sometimes those weapons are absolutely necessary. Danger could be coming towards me and my family. Everything that we are accustomed to today could go away tomorrow. I'm preparing for martial law. Stupid mannequins, standing around with their new-season clothes and their unusually smooth genitals. He nailed that mannequin, didn't he? He nailed that mannequin, didn't he? I just think, like... a static target, in such close proximity, like, that's not gonna be the enemy. That's like someone he's befriended, like a colleague or his mother. And he's just gone crazy. That'll get you through the Farmers shop window, but beyond that there's gonna be trouble. Enemies move, you know? I've seen the movies. Well, TV ONE newsreader Peter Williams is not as young as he used to be, and he keeps on doing a lot of shifts around TVNZ. These days his bosses have just one rule for him ` try and stay awake on set. REPORTER: ...volleyballers queuing up for photos with a Kiwi trailblazer. George Berry, ONE News. And that's your sport. All right, thank you, Jenny-May. Now... I actually wonder if that was the sports reader's problem, though, because they usually have some witty comment they'll do at the end of sport. They'll say, 'Oh well, he's gonna be boxing his way to the next world championship, eh, Peter?' Something like that. Gives Peter a chance to wake up. I completely agree with you. She said that... She said 'there's your sport' like she was throwing down a roast at a ruined Christmas and trying not to cry. You know what I mean? 'There's your sport.' Peter used to be a sports newsreader, of course, so maybe he was making, like, not very nice comments to her during the stories. Maybe every time she threw to a story, he was, like, 'Pronounced that wrong. 'That's not how you talk about badminton.' You know? And by the end, she's just so sick of it, she's, like, 'There's your sport.' He looked like he was texting, to me. I don't know if you can, like, bring that up again... George Berry, ONE News. And that's your sport. All right, thank you, Jenny-May. Fucking Peter Williams is on Tinder. Time for our Best Bits awards now, where we recognise this week's outstanding achievements in television. First up, the Easily Amused Award goes to celeb chef Jax Hamilton on Good Morning for getting way too excited about talk of a brown bottom. When it's smoking... When it's smoking... Want me to flip it? Have a look at the bottom. See if it's brown. (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) (SNORTS, CONTINUES LAUGHING) Yes, sadly, later Jax had to be taken away on a stretcher after being given the instruction to 'beat until stiff'. She was excited about that, wasn't she? Yeah, the old brown bottom. That's a bit of 'Fifty Shades of Grey'-level innuendo for women watching television at 9 o'clock in the morning. Those MasterChef contestants do quite a good job of sticking around after MasterChef, I've got to say. Like, if you look at the people who win NZ Idol or X-Factor, they almost disappear overnight. But you often see the MasterChef people popping up in Countdown or annoying someone at a food show. Hey, Ben Lummis is into cooking now. He's at KFC Manukau. Next award now. The Awkward Dose of Reality Award goes to Daily Keno. Just as you're beginning to relax and enjoy your gambling, you have to sit through the next ad. One Spanish galleon. Congratulations to all winners of this evening's Keno draw. Trying to win back money you've lost is a clear sign of harmful gambling. It seems amazing that they would put a problem gambling ad straight after Keno, right? I think Keno is the one form of Lotto that, if you play it, people think you have a gambling problem. Because it's daily! It's in the name. Daily Keno. You should not be gambling... Does anyone know anyone who plays Daily Keno? If, by playing, you mean sitting in the lounge, yelling numbers at the television, hoping you're gonna get the next one, I play it every time I see it. hoping you're gonna get the next one, I play it every time I see it. Spanish galleon! We used to play that growing up, cos Daily Keno's been on for years. My sister, my brother and I just used to sit there, just screaming numbers at the television. '20! Dammit! Dammit! 20 again! 'Dammit! 20 again! Dammit! 20... I'm never playing Daily Keno again.' I just find it's not that smart, I think, to gamble on one of those wheels of fortune, prize wheels, when every option says 'lose'. Yeah, if you go to that wheel and say, 'I think I can beat the system.' Our next award, the Unfortunate Time to Breastfeed Award, goes to this contestant's wife from The Voice, who chose an interesting time to put her 9-year-old son on the boob. Thank you, Will. Thanks. Nice to meet you. Thank you, Kylie. Like your shirt. Like your shirt. Yeah, cheers. This is a good little doorway. I think it's nice. It's promoting breastfeeding, gives it a rock 'n' roll edge ` the way they cut there. Even though it is a bit creepy that the cameraman was standing there, just on her boobs, until it cut... cut to his camera. Yeah. It looked like a fast reaction from him, didn't it? Like... Where do we all stand on breastfeeding in public, though? Where do we all stand on breastfeeding in public, though? I'd say it's absolutely fine anywhere. I have been told to put my boobs away before ` in a bar. But that was by a guy who said, 'I'm getting too aroused.' HEIDI: Ew! Ew! HEIDI: Ew! Ew! Oh, no, he was a friend. It wasn't like a creepy guy. He was just, like, 'I'm finding this difficult, you just breastfeeding.' I took it as an insult-compliment kind of weird... We just left it and had another beer. I'm all for it. It's a really complex issue. Were you breastfeeding? Were you breastfeeding? Yes, I was. With my mates. Because when you started the story, you were, like, 'Oh, I got told to put my boobs away in a bar.' And I was, like, 'There's no baby in this story.' And I was, like, 'There's no baby in this story.' Oh, no, I was breastfeeding. Just getting back to... The best time to drink alcohol ` if you're gonna drink at all, breastfeeding, which I think is OK in moderation ` the best time to drink alcohol is exactly at the point you're breastfeeding, cos then it's got the longest cycle to go through. It's a bad look, but it's actually the best time. I did not know that. Same with drinking and driving. The best time to drink is when you're driving. All right, we're gonna take a break now on Best Bits. We'll be back soon, looking at niche TV channels in our topic of the week. See you soon. 1 Hey, welcome back to Best Bits, where, each week, we take a closer look at one aspect of TV in our topic of the week. This week we're looking at niche TV channels. You learn all sorts of things from special-interest channels, like Country TV. Here's a guy who seems pretty blimmin' excited about kumara. Cos once you've got enough plants off it, out of the sand bed, dig it up, and then you can take it inside and eat it! Versatile. JAUNTY FLUTE MUSIC Mm, they are quite versatile, aren't they? You can eat them... Heaps of things. I reckon he looks like Santa crossed with Te Radar. Thank God that guy's not Santa, cos, like, Christmas would be shit if you woke up and you had a kumara, with a little note that said, 'How about the versatility!' Well, channels like Country TV may be small, but they're not afraid to ask some pretty big questions. Gidday. This week's... little bit of... farm gadgetry from the past looks like a tape measure. Maybe it is a tape measure. I could put one of these around me, and my tailor would be able to tell me exactly what size of suit I could be wearing. And, if you enjoyed What Is It, you'll enjoy their next segment, entitled What The Fuck Am I Going On About? I` Like, so, Country TV is for country people, right? I` Like, so, Country TV is for country people, right? Yes. I don't understand that. So, like... So, farm people, they farm all day, and then they go home and watch television about farming? I don't go home and watch television about being a stone-cold fox. Can I say, by the way, that when you watch a bit of Country TV, you'll notice all the presenters do this. They all start everything they do with, 'Gidday.' And then the funny thing is they leave enough room for you to answer. Let's watch the start of it again. You watch. Gidday. This week's... Like Blue's Clues or something! That's great. It's like adult Dora. Apparently what it is is it's a... a tape measure. It is a tape measure. And it's for measuring the girth of a cow. So... So not boring at all. How do they measure a girth of a cow these days? I suppose it's all computers. All right, poppet. And one of the things niche TV channels are great for is education. Invercargill polytech SIT produces a very high-quality tutorial to help teach basic English. See if you can pick what the grammar lesson is in this exercise. I hope that helps you with the past tense. Yeah, so, warning ` if you're a foreigner who's just arrived in NZ, this clip may leave you with more questions than you had to begin with. I liked, at the end, how she said, 'I hope that's helped.' Like, she's not sure it has or even banking on the fact that it will. 'Oh well, I mean, use that if you want. Things could be worse.' It's been another episode of SIT2LRN. We did our best. Have you stayed at a motel in Invercargill? Cos that was the first time I saw that channel. I'm going to on Friday night. Hey, are you staying at the...? < The Kelvin. < The Kelvin. You're staying at the Kelvin? The number-one` well, one of the big hotels in Invercargill is the Kelvin Hotel. It's the only place I've ever stayed down there. When I went there, there was a guy working on reception called Kelvin. And I said to him, 'Kelvin! Kelvin!' And he said, 'What?' The people you see presenting on niche TV channels often don't have the same experience as those on the big networks. In this clip, from Vintage NZ Farm Machinery, the guy on the left has obviously been told to lean against the tractor and try to look cool. It's a` It's a planetary gear system inside the transmission... (CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY) You know, he was so committed to that pose that, even when he had to move at the end there, he just maintained the same rigid position and hopped. It looks like he's broken the tractor and is trying to hide it. 'Lever? Oh, what? No, there's no lever back there. I've never seen a` No, probably don't go for it. Don't` 'Oh, you broke it! You broke the lever.' He` Cos he didn't look very casual, did he? Draped over the tractor. He's got one leg up, and, sort of, legs splayed in a 'come hither' manner. Yeah, I don't watch pornography myself, but, I mean... I'm a mother of three. But, um, what a great, kind of deadpan set-up for a porn. Eh? Like, if you` if that warehouse is fitted out with red and blue lights and... I don't know. See, I'm at the other end of the spectrum. I watch a lot of pornography. And... I don't think that would be a great start to a pornography ` judging by those two men. Now, sometimes, small channels can break some pretty major stories. Did you know that you never have to see a doctor again? Just ask Sid Roth from the Daystar Channel. (PLAYS SOLEMN TUNE) People worldwide have been healed and delivered of... Sid says... But can it cure the mental illness where you think that playing violin music keeps demons away? Unforgiveness and discouragement seem like two things that aren't so much physical ailments as just... a temporary thought you might have. a temporary thought you might have. It would be rough if we were at a bar, you say, 'How's things?' 'Oh, rough.' 'What's wrong with you?' 'Crooked spine.' 'Oh. Me? I've got unforgiveness.' When he said 'anointed music', I thought he said 'annoying music'. I was thinking, 'Yeah, it is fucking annoying. No one's hanging around ` demons included. Get out of there.' It's so annoying that demons, who live in hell, can't stand it. They're off. It must be really hard to review that CD as a music reviewer, though. Be, like, 'Felt a few demons around. Three stars.' Well, that's it for our topic of the week. We'll be back after the break with a man and his 16 children in our Best Bits From Around the World. See you soon. 1 Hello there. Welcome back. It's time now for the best of the TV you don't get to see in our Best Bits From Around the World. British man Pete Lewis has 16 kids and counting. Watch this jolly family scene and see if you can tell whether Pete is happy with his life. DAUGHTER: Bangers and mash. DAUGHTER: Bangers and mash. ALL LAUGH The most amazing thing is that he's actually only 35. I think Pete hates children's laughter as much as he hates using contraception. And he faces the world's ultimate conundrum. Jackie, Jackie, you've got three children. Jackie, Jackie, you've got three children. I do. Three lovely children. Do you ever have those moments where you're just looking like Pete? Like, 'Oh my God. Somebody kill me.' Yeah, normally in those moments I go on the internet, I go to the Air NZ website and I book a flight. And I say to my husband, 'You'll be all right for a week.' And I just take off and do some 'work'. Oh, that's a pretty good deal. Oh, that's a pretty good deal. I thought you were putting the kids on the plane. I can't afford that. They're, like, 70%, now that... They're 7, 5 and 2, so they're all nearly full fare. Oh. OK. I thought you were, like, rating them as people. 'They're lovely kids, but they're...' One's a seven out of 10, one's a five out of 10. The one I fucking hate's two out of 10. You know who you are! Do the dishes! Now we go to Finland, where, in the age of bland, media-trained sporting personalities, it's great to hear an ice hockey player who can just tell it like it is. What is the main reason that Canada overcome you in this game, in the second period? I don't know. What happened? Why were you scored two goals against? What happened? Why were you scored two goals against? I don't know. OK. Uh, what... what was the mistake over there...? I don't know. Yeah, see, he had the same answer when asked what his name is and how many times he got hit in the skull today. Maybe he thought he was turning up for water polo, looked down, 'Wow. This is frozen over.' I guess, in ice hockey, every shoulder's a cold shoulder. And I guess he just wanted that interview to Finnish. I guess he just didn't give a puck. Just trying to think of another one. All right, now, next clip... All right, to American Bible Challenge now, which proves that being a good Christian is about dancing, clapping and having fun ` no matter what you're singing about. CHEERING, APPLAUSE, UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS AUDIENCE CLAPS RHYTHMICALLY It looked like a bit of a karaoke competition. I don't know if you guys have ever done karaoke. But you can imagine what it would be like if you got up and that thing came on. What are your go-to karaoke jams? Uh, mine is, uh, Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers' Islands in the Stream. Which`? Are you doing it by yourself, or as a duet? I do the Dolly part and just hope there's the right man in the room. # Baby, when I met you, there was peace unknown. # I set out to get you with a fine-tooth comb. I was soft inside... # CHEERING Why did you stop?! My secret shame. My secret shame. You were curing my spinal mangle-ation! You stopped! Sid Roth said 24/7. Any other`? What's your karaoke song, Rhys? Uh, my go-to is probably Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye. Let's hear it. Let's hear it. Let's hear it. Let's hear it. Ironic. Which is, yeah, ironic, considering you've been the cause of so much sexual illness. That is just about our show for another week. My thanks to the panellists, to our studio audience and to you at home. We're gonna leave you now with the face trainer. It's a new way to tighten your face and waste your money. It's our clip of the week. The eye-opener and forehead-smoother. This exercise helps to keep the eyebrows lifted and the eyes open, giving you a more rested and energised appearance. It will also thicken the layer of muscle covering the forehead, smoothing lines and folds. While performing this, place your ring finger and middle finger together just over each brow. Pressing down on the material, lift the muscles up as you continue the surprised face. Open your eyes as wide as they will go during the surprised face, and then relax them during the puppy dog face. Continue to press down just above the brow throughout the exercise. You should be able to feel your brows rising and relaxing under the material. Let's practise. I know exactly where I've seen that face before. I know exactly where I've seen that face before. Yes? That is the face of the lady from the House Rules clip earlier on. Can we have a look at that? And that is our show. See ya. Goodnight.