Captions by June Yeow. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014 CHEERING, APPLAUSE Hello there, and welcome along to Best Bits ` all the best, worst and weirdest of the week's TV. I'm Jesse Mulligan, and let's meet tonight's panel. First up, he puts the 'Vaughan' into 'Fletch, Vaughan & Megan'. It's Vaughan Smith. CHEERING, APPLAUSE Next to him ` she puts the 'Donna' into 'unbearable prima donna'. It's Donna Brookbanks. CHEERING, APPLAUSE Next to her ` he put the 'Guy' into 'who's that weird creepy guy?' It's Guy Montgomery. CHEERING, APPLAUSE And he puts the 'Rhys' into 'greasy takeaways'. It's Rhys Mathewson. And he puts the 'Rhys' into 'greasy takeaways'. It's Rhys Mathewson. CHEERING, APPLAUSE Nice to have you with us, team. To our first clip now, and this week, the cricket match-fixing story got even more scandalous. Everyone is feeling very upset about it, apart from Mike McRoberts, who celebrated with a record-breaking cricket pun bonanza. Kia ora. Good evening. Chris Cairns bowled in from the London end today and fired a series of bounces at NZ's top order. Vincent and McCullum getting particularly fierce deliveries. First, it was Cairns to Vincent. And he fizzed one past McCullum's ears. In case you missed it, that's a fast-bowler's way of saying he should have walked a lot earlier. The next three went in quick succession. By now, Cairns was virtually unplayable. The news conference had taken seven minutes. By over, he'd mopped up the tail. Mike McRoberts, everybody. APPLAUSE I thought he seemed positively gleeful using those puns. I thought he seemed positively gleeful using those puns. I beg to differ completely. I wanted to shake him and say, 'Enjoy yourself! You're hamming it up out there!' He was stoned-faced. Like he was doing ONE News. You're on 3, mate! Have a party! Like he was doing ONE News. You're on 3, mate! Have a party! LAUGHTER Those puns, I think, would also work sexually. The cricket puns? > The cricket puns? > Yes. The cricket puns? > Yes. Y` How would you mean? > Well, you were, like,... 'One fizzed past his ear...' Well, you were, like,... 'One fizzed past his ear...' LAUGHTER Donna, if you've got stuff fizzing past your ear, you've got the wrong man. Or you're with the right man. Or you're with the right man. LAUGHTER We've been making fun of Donna tonight already, and one of the reasons is because before the show, we found out that she's on an app called Tinder, which is a, uh, a new thing you have your iPhone there, and it tells you what hot men are in the area, and you can 'yes' them and 'no' them, can't you, Donna? And we stole Donna's phone before the show and started yessing everybody. LAUGHTER Tinder's the best, cos a dating app on your phone combines everyone's two favourite past-times ` which is judging the attractiveness of strangers whilst taking a shit. which is judging the attractiveness of strangers whilst taking a shit. LAUGHTER That is not how I do it! That is not how I do it! It's great! It's the best. There's poo literally coming out of you, and you go, 'No. No. I'm worth more!' and you go, 'No. No. I'm worth more!' LAUGHTER To friend of the show Jim Hickey now, who, once again this week, skated the fine line between being a weather presenter and being a drunken homeless guy. Frosty, fine weather. Still a few bad boys showers down here, and up here... # Bad boys, bad boys. Whatcha gonna do? We're heading off the beaches, and we're coming for you. # Bad boy showers. LAUGHTER Yup. Carry on like that, Jim, and they will come for you. A lot of people don't know this, but Jim Hickey lives in New Plymouth, and he flies his plane up to do the weather each night ` I think four nights a week ` then he flies back again. Commuting from New Plymouth in your plane ` that is the life, isn't it? DONNA: Does he really? DONNA: Does he really? And he still gets the weather wrong from up there. LAUGHTER He's so the king of dad jokes and embarrassing dad dancing. You think so? > He's so cute. I reckon, Guy Montgomery, you are going to be Jim Hickey when you're older. Ohhh, I can see that. > < GUY: Thank you (!) < GUY: Thank you (!) Give us` Give us a little forecast. The rain and clouds ` they've buggered off, and now we've got sun. Oh, sun. # Here comes the sun... # LAUGHTER I'm so stoned. Are we still broadcasting? I'm so stoned. Are we still broadcasting? LAUGHTER Very good. On TV shopping show Yes Shop this week, Mike Puru was forced to ad lib about lubricant, and he may have revealed a wee bit too much in the process. Woman: Mike, learning more and more, I hope. Yeah, and I'm so pleased, Karen, that you've brought up these issues. I know some guys, some girls that have used things like cooking oil, like sunscreen oil, any type of liquid they can for lubricant. LAUGHTER Sunscreen oil? Talk about slip, slop, slap. (LAUGHS) Who knew SPF stood for 'spoof'? I know! Whenever I go on a sexual journey, I always make sure I have sun cream, a hat and a T-shirt. But here's the weird thing ` so she starts talking to Mike Puru... He just keeps looking off into the distance. What do you mean > What do you mean > Rude. Like, she` Like, you know how if you were to look over there and I'd say, 'So, Jesse,' and you'd look at me like a normal human. Yeah. Yeah. Not Puru. Yeah. Not Puru. Right. He goes, 'Nope, I'm in the moment.' Mike, learning more and more, I hope. Yeah, and I'm so pleased, Karen, that you've brought up these issues. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Sunscreen lotion, cooking oil, Bonjela, soy sauce, satay sauce, Tiger Balm. Right. Time for our Best Bits Awards, where we recognise this week's outstanding achievements in television. And the Prop of the Week award goes to Coronation Street. This week, they took the show to a whole new level. Is that me? Is that me? No. Is it me? PHONE CONTINUES RINGING Hello? Hello? (SCREAMS) Hello? (SCREAMS) GLASS SHATTERS RINGING CONTINUES So, the idea was that she was just answering her phone and picked up a rat. You know when, like, your phone has the exact some texture as a rat (?) You know when, like, your phone has the exact some texture as a rat (?) Yeah. > The Nokia 33... rat. > Then you don't, like, answer it. you just put your rat phone up to your ear. LAUGHTER Hey, um, I'd like to take this moment on Best Bits just to do a quick shout out to someone who watches the show I ran into last week ` the members of the Opuha Cruising Club up there in the Bay of Islands there. Each week they do their quiz night on a Thursday, and just as the quiz night finishes, they all sit together in the boating club there and watch Best Bits, so, hello, Opuha Cruising Club. GUY: Lovely. GUY: Lovely. AUDIENCE: Aw... GUY: Lovely. AUDIENCE: Aw... APPLAUSE To balance out, I was just congratulating ourselves on having viewers. I did a gig in Queenstown on Saturday night, and they were, like, 'Oh! You're off that Best Bits 'with what's that guys name.' And I said, 'Oh, old Jason Hullahand.' And they were, like, 'Jason Hullahand!' LAUGHTER OK. OK. LAUGHTER All right. To` All right. To` (LAUGHS) You've got nothing! All right. To` (LAUGHS) You've got nothing! LAUGHTER All right. Next award ` This one goes to nice guy Grant, talking about all the pretty contestants on House Rules. I'm not sitting there doing nothing. I'm pacing myself. the pretty girls were having a fair old whinge at, uh, at Tassie. You wanna try that again? You wanna try that again? Really? The what? You just totally bagged me out. You just totally bagged me out. Oh, what did you call them the other day? Just move on. LAUGHTER Yes, House Rules may be all about construction, but I predict that man will not be erecting anything anytime soon. He probably spent the afternoon building himself a dog house to sleep in that night. I like these, 'Oh, come on, babe, you know, what did you call them? 'They're the pretty girls; Kevin and Darren ` the handsome blokes. Let's face facts, babe, 'we're an average-looking couple.' LAUGHTER I love the universal calming technique he used of tugging her ponytail gently, which, of course, is the way to calm any female. 'Come on, babe.' See? > 'Come on, babe.' See? > Chill out, babe. Chill out. Come on. All right. Our next award now ` ...and this one goes to our prime minister, John Key, for this effort in the Samoan capital of Apia. The delegation will also head to Tonga and Niue later in the week. Michael Parkin, ONE News Vaughan: I was just thinking what he could have possibly been dancing to ` like, what music? I know they were playing some music, but I was thinking, if I we could get that Jim Hickey singing Bad Boys and get that audio in the background of our prime minister dancing in Samoa, what would that look like? JIM SINGS: # Bad boys, bad boys. Whatcha gonna do? # We're heading off the beaches, and we're coming for you. # Works! Works! Oh, it's good! Works! Oh, it's good! It works! APPLAUSE All right, we're going to take a break now on Best Bits. We'll be back soon, looking at travel shows in our Topic of the Week. See you soon. CHEERING, APPLAUSE CHEERING, APPLAUSE Hey. Welcome back to Best Bits, where each week we take a closer look at one aspect of TV in our Topic of the Week. This week we're looking at travel shows. Now, when you go travelling, it's great to learn a few phrases in the local language. In this clip, a well-meaning young lady makes a good attempt to communicate in Chinese. How do you say 'hi' in Chinese? How do you say 'hi' in Chinese? MAN: Ni hao ma? > How do you say 'hi' in Chinese? MAN: Ni hao ma? > Ni hao ma? I'm gonna try that here and see if they understand. I'm gonna try that here and see if they understand. Dude, he's Latino. LAUGHTER The way she asked that was quite sexual, though. The way she's just, like,... (SULTRILY) 'I'm gonna try that and see and see if he understands me.' Do you think that's how she asks for everything? Like,... (SEXILY) 'I'll have a flat white, please. LAUGHTER That was quite sort of` That was quite sort of` GUY: 'Are you all right, ma'am?' That was quite sort of` GUY: 'Are you all right, ma'am?' LAUGHTER Just got a thing in my neck. Do you, uh,... (SEXILY) know where I could find a good chiropractor? Do you, uh,... (SEXILY) know where I could find a good chiropractor? (LAUGHS) She's a pretty girl. That's how she's got everything in her life. She might be` She might be` < RHYS LAUGHS She might be` < RHYS LAUGHS She might be intelligent and driven. No, no. No, no. LAUGHTER DONNA: Are they actually in China? DONNA: Are they actually in China? What's that? DONNA: Are they actually in China? What's that? Are they in China? I-I-I don't know. I-I-I don't know. Right. But he is` You know, like, he could not be less Chinese ` got a big bushy moustache. He's` Well, I'm not going to describe why he's not Chinese. LAUGHTER This week, travel adventure show RV Rampage visited NZ. Travel can be a testing time for any relationship, but big arguments can be avoided if you're prepared to take some constructive advice. MAN GRUNTS Oh, you missed it! OK, don't be disappointed, because it's actually more difficult than it looked. Cos you are too heavy. That's why, you know, you can't get that flag. OK. OK. You need to lose weight now. SCATTERED LAUGHTER Mind you, he'll do well in the next round, where contestants are asked to cry-eat an entire bowl of biscuit batter. an entire bowl of biscuit batter. LAUGHTER I like the immediacy of her request. It wasn't, 'You need to lose weight.' It was, 'You need to lose weight now. 'We're gonna put this game show on hold until you drop down on this deck and lose some weight.' LAUGHTER The most exciting moment in RV Rampage came when they announced the prize. Although if they wanted to keep the excitement going, they should probably have avoided mentioning what currency it was in. You're gonna be battling it out for a grand prize of 10,000... CONTESTANTS GASP CONTESTANTS GASP Shut up! CONTESTANTS GASP Shut up! < ...NZ dollars. LAUGHTER NZ$10,000. Yes, the winner will have just enough to cover their flight back home to the UK. < VAUGHAN LAUGHS 10 grand is not any amount to shake a stick at, though. With that amount, we could make Best Bits season three. With that amount, we could make Best Bits season three. LAUGHTER It was almost as if the producer was standing behind the people off camera, and when she was, like, '10,000...', the producer was like... (MOUTHS) Guy: Nooooo! Guy: Nooooo! Noooooooo... Zealand dollars! OK, we go to a clip from a local tourism board now, who want to convince you that Singapore is very romantic, and it keeps being romantic even when your wife hands you something that she recently urinated on. ROMANTIC MUSIC WOMAN: Here's my surprise for you. I'm pregnant. Wow. I knew Singapore always had a surprise waiting for me. I knew Singapore always had a surprise waiting for me. SCATTERED LAUGHTER 'Wow. We're having a baby. 'I'm so glad we spent all our savings on this trip to fucking Singapore (!)' LAUGHTER What about you? Where were you when the stick got piddled on? Both times my partner did it by herself, and then she came home with flowers. The first time was quite a surprise when she came with flowers. I was, like, 'Oh, the missus brought me flowers.' And she's, like, 'I'm pregnant.' And I was, like, 'Well, life is gonna change.' GUY: 'What the fuck are you wasting money on flowers for?' GUY: 'What the fuck are you wasting money on flowers for?' LAUGHTER And did she buy you flowers? Yeah. And then the second time, two and a half years later, uh, I came home and she had these flowers, and I was, like, 'Oh fuck.' and I was, like, 'Oh fuck.' LAUGHTER 'I know what these flowers mean.' You know what I'm gonna do? Like, every 18 months, I'm gonna send flowers to your house. LAUGHTER That's really good. Now, Antony Melchione, the host of Hotel Impossible, has a novel approach to cleaning. If something isn't right, destroy it. Look at this. Look at this filth ` this disgusting mould that's on here. This rust. Look at this. Who the hell... Look at this. Who the hell... CRACK! ...is going to put their soap`? Would you put your soap on this? LAUGHTER Who's using soap, anyway? That's where you put the liquid body soap, right? We have this argument at our house. I like the old-fashioned soap. < Do you? < Do you? Rubbing the body up with the bar of soap. What about pubes and stuff? It's so hard when you get a pube on the soap, and you're trying to get it off, and it's just` like, it's so hard, and you've gotta get your nail in there, and there's a nail mark in the soap. Obviously there's been a pube on the soap. It's the tell-tale sign that someone's pubes have been on the soap, when there's a scratch mark and then a` That's your first` You always miss, cos the pube goes longways and slips by the finger. In our house it looks like fucking Wolverine's been in the shower. My main issue with that, um, show was the, uh, flappy shower curtain. Those are the worst in the world. What do you mean? > What do you mean? > They cling. They grab ya. They do. They do. They grab ya ` 'Get off me!' And then you've got to fight against it. And the more you fight, the more it surrounds you. It's like an octopus. That's right. And then you put the shower curtain outside the lining of the bath, then there's water all over the floor. You've gotta change your bath mat every shower. God, it's tough in the bathroom these days. That was how we knew in our flat that someone had come in the front door, cos there was a gap under the bathroom door, and when the front door opened, it caused wind to rush in, and it would stick you with the shower curtain. So you'd be, like, 'Intruder!' 'Get off me! Someone's come to steal my TV! I can't have this! Get off me! Hey, talk to me about the liquid soap. Do you use the same fragrance? Cos that's the other problem. Yup. Yup. If she's choosing at the supermarket, you've gotta smell of mandarin and papaya. No the best one is, uh ` um, and I'll say this ` is, uh, Radox coconut. You don't find the coconut smell a little effeminate? You don't find the coconut smell a little effeminate? Uh, no, I really like the coconut, guy who got flowers when his wife got pregnant. guy who got flowers when his wife got pregnant. LAUGHTER I think it's very masculine. It's like I've climbed a tree to smell like this. Yeah? > Yeah? > I normally smell of coconut, but that's just a half melted Bounty. LAUGHTER That's it for our Topic of the Week. We'll be back soon with the worst baseball throw in human history in our Best Bits from Around the world. See you soon. CHEERING, APPLAUSE CHEERING, APPLAUSE Gidday. Welcome back. It's time now for the best of the TV you don't get to see in our Best Bits from Around the World. It's play-off season in the NBA, and it's great to see that despite all the pressure, true love can still blossom between two grown men. COMMENTATOR: What an outstanding job. Wasn't born ready tonight. Thank God, if you're a Pacer fan, that he got ready. LAUGHTER On behalf of all women, Donna... On behalf of all women, Donna... Yes. Tell us, for now and forever, do woman enjoy men blowing in their ear hole? You could ask anyone that ` it would be the same across the board. Yeah. > Never mind if you're a man or a woman. Never mind if you're a man or a woman. Oh, here we go. (BLOWS VIOLENTLY) (BLOWS VIOLENTLY) LAUGHTER DONNA SCREAMS; ALL LAUGH, APPLAUD Feels good. Feels good. Oh boy. Wow. Wow. That's what I was hoping would happen. Guy` Guy missed having a moustache on his face so much... Guy` Guy missed having a moustache on his face so much... LAUGHTER that he had to go for the nearest one. Oh, how was that? Oh, how was that? I don't know. It was pretty normal. Now, we often feature British people on the show, and why? RHYS: Rest of the night. Give it to the bit. OK, are you`? Are you`? GUY: Camera's on you, mate. GUY: Camera's on you, mate. All right. > GUY: Camera's on you, mate. All right. > We're just doin' our thang. OK. This should be awesome for continuity. > OK. This should be awesome for continuity. > LAUGHTER All right we'll stop. All right we'll stop. You guys have got to tell me how you make this work, because, I mean, I'm on Tinder. I can't believe it, Donna. You're sitting next to three men, and you're so unappealing that two of them have hooked up. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER AUDIENCE: Aw! Aw! Aw! That is not an indictment on Donna. That was a testament to Rhys. That was a testament to Rhys. LAUGHTER Now, we often feature British people on the show, and why? Because we love them. And the thing we love the most about British people is their willingness to try new things. Have you ever tried sushi before? Have you ever tried sushi before? Have I tried what? Have you ever tried sushi before? Have I tried what? Sushi. No. No. You ever wanted to try it? No. No. Do you know what it is? No. Do you know what it is? No. You don't know what it is? You don't know what it is? And I don't care. LAUGHTER I just love how quickly this dude has assessed the concept of sushi and then committed to his decision. Yeah. > He's, like, 'I have never heard of sushi before this moment, but fuck your sushi.' I think that happens when you get to a certain age, like, 70. No new food. No` Don't give me... spice. Don't give me things I can't say. LAUGHTER (VAUGHAN) IRISH ACCENT: 'I've got one follow up question ` is sushi potatoes?' 'Sushi's not potatoes.' 'Then no!' 'Is sushi the loving embrace of my dead wife?' 'No' 'Then no!' Now, 'Fiddy Cent' is a rapper, is an actor. Did I say that right? Did I say that right? No, just 'Fiddy'. What do you mean? I was quite worried about how I was going to say it. I'm always worried about saying rappers' names, like Fiddy and, um, Tupac. I felt I was going to say '50 Cent', but my wife told me it's not that; it's 'Fiddy'. Right. I think we're on` No one's going to know. We're on TV ONE. Right. I think we're on` No one's going to know. We're on TV ONE. OK. > Keep going. They haven't noticed. OK. Let me` Let me have another go at it. Half a dollar is a rapper, an actor,... Half a dollar is a rapper, an actor,... LAUGHTER ...and an entrepreneur. Is there anything that this man can't do? Yep, it turns out he can't throw a baseball. Curtis Jackson. Curtis Jackson. Curtis Jackson. And his first pitch was not great. Just a bit outside. Yes. Moments before that pitch, he was seen taking instruction from a dodgy NZ cricketer in the dugout. What do you think, like, his dad got the family around, and, like, his proudest moment as a father ` 'My son is going to throw the first pitch.' But from what I know about 50 Cent's upbringing, his dad wasn't the most supportive. LAUGHTER To the American spelling bee now, where this young man proves that you don't have to be a nerd to be good at spelling. MAN: Kabaragoya. Kabaragoya. I know it! I know it! I totally know it! OK. Kabaragoya. C-A-B-A-R-A-G-O-Y-A. Kabaragoya. DING! What?! What?! AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS LAUGHTER Stupid little nerd. Didn't know how to spell kabaragoya. He probably didn't even know what a kabaragoya is ` READS: A large lizard found in the waterways of Indochina. LAUGHTER Vaughan,... Vaughan,... Yeah? Vaughan,... Yeah? ...you know how you've got a baby? Yeah. > Yeah. > I think you should call her Kabaragoya. Oh, that would be so good. > Oh, that would be so good. > Like 'Kabara', and then middle name 'Goya'. And then when your midwife says, 'What are you going to call her?' You go, 'Kabara Goya.' And she says, 'How do you spell that?' And you say, 'C-A`' LAUGHTER She goes, 'Ding!' 'Oh what?!' GUY AND RHYS TALK TOGETHER GUY AND RHYS TALK TOGETHER You go. No, I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. Mine's not a joke. It's a fact. Oh, trouble in paradise. Oh, trouble in paradise. LAUGHTER That's just about our show for this week. My thanks to the panellists, our studio audience, and to you at home. We're gonna leave you now with Dr OZ, who reminds us that when demonstrating the internal workings of a woman, it's important to be both respectful and subtle. So, I want you to be a bacteria today. < OK. < OK. We're gonna play Whack-a-Mole. Here's your little whack toy. And go on up here. You're gonna walk up the vaginal cavity, right, all the way up in the vaginal area here, and over here are yeast. Now, because you haven't been on antibiotics yet, go ahead and whack them. Whack them! Whack them! Whack them! Then they go away and they don't come back. And they go far, far away. Three months later, she turns up at home with flowers, and you're really screwed. LAUGHTER Thanks very much! That's our show. See you later! Goodnight! Thanks very much! That's our show. See you later! Goodnight! CHEERING, APPLAUSE Captions by June Yeow. www.able.co.NZ Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014