1 Captions by Faith Hamblyn. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014 CHEERING, APPLAUSE LAUGHTER (LAUGHS) Good evening, and welcome to Best Bits ` all the best, worst and weirdest of the week's TV. I'm Jesse Mulligan. Here's tonight's panel. First up, he's the motormouth of Morrinsville ` it's Vaughan Smith. Thank you, Jesse. Thank you. Thanks, everybody. Thank you, Jesse. Thank you. Thanks, everybody. CHEERING Next to him: she's the twerker of Twizel ` Jackie van Beek. Next to him: she's the twerker of Twizel ` Jackie van Beek. LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE The drunk dad of Dunedin ` it's Matt Heath. LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE Yep. And the numbnuts of the North Shore ` Rhys Mathewson. And the numbnuts of the North Shore ` Rhys Mathewson. (LAUGHS) CHEERING, APPLAUSE CHEERING, APPLAUSE Wahey! Good to have you all here. To our first clip, and Good Morning had a special musical guest on this week. They were pretty excited about it too. Unfortunately, his in-studio performance did not go quite according to plan. He's one of the world's greatest guitarists. Here in NZ for two special shows, it's jazz and blues legend Larry Carlton. (PLAYS GUITAR QUIETLY) NO AUDIO SCATTERED LAUGHTER LAUGHTER SCATTERED LAUGHTER LAUGHTER CHUCKLING We're gonna go to a break. We're gonna come back to Larry very soon and get that sorted. LAUGHTER You see, what you've gotta understand is in jazz, it's more about the notes that you don't play. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER I heard that they're robotic cameras right now. Yeah. > Yeah. > A lot of the fine cameramen of NZ have been replaced just by robots. So there was no one in the studio to go... LAUGHTER LAUGHTER < Play the guitar, man. Who names a song Smiles And Smiles To Go, though? That is the worst name for a song. Maybe he realised that and was, like, 'Oh, I'm not playing this ever again.' I would change the title of that song to Smiles To Go And Going, Gone. LAUGHTER Can I just point out too that the, uh, special, uh, guest cook in the studio was MasterChef Josh Emmett, and he seemed very mad about something. If I play the end of the clip again, watch Josh Emmett's face. It's almost like the guitarist is his brother and he's really furious with what's going on. We're gonna go to a break. We're gonna come back to Larry very soon. We're gonna go to a break. We're gonna come back to Larry very soon. LAUGHTER Yeah. You made my brother look like a prize arsehole. (LAUGHS) My first thought when I saw him, I just thought, 'Who's that sexy hot chef guy that goes to Les Mills at least five days a week?' Yeah. He's an attractive man to start with, and he's obeying the first rule of looking attractive, which is to stand next to Ray McVinnie and Simon Gault. which is to stand next to Ray McVinnie and Simon Gault. LAUGHTER And I talked to Josh Emmett about this, uh, one time, uh, cos, you know, TVNZ stars, we're all quite good friends with each other, and, um... So TVNZ stars are good friends with each other ` where do you fit into the picture? I have seen you stop Wendy Petrie in the hallway for a chat in the green room. 'Wendy!' She's, like, 'Oh, I've gotta go do the news.' You're, like, 'It's 25 to 6.' She's, like, 'We're starting early tonight, Jesse.' LAUGHTER Wendy and I are very close. Uh, she's just got a very busy schedule. Um... All right, to our next clip now, and Kiwis love Matt Watson from the fishing shows. Why? I guess because he's so comfortable in front of the camera. Although, as this clip of him groping himself shows, he might be getting just a little bit too comfortable. We'll shoot across or whatever you want. I said to Geoff, look, we won't stay the night out, you know, once the tide, um... LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Nah, throw that one back, Matt; it's not of legal size. LAUGHTER CHEERING CHUCKLING I don't know. I was gonna say ` I don't wanna go into too much, it's a bit gross, but, I mean ` you think he's scratching himself, but then you watch it, he's really more, sort of, kneading it, I guess. Matt Watson, by the way ` really, we're giving him a bit of stick tonight, but he's a pretty amazing guy. He's almost like NZ's answer to Bear Grylls, I think. He was telling me once, um, that he was... He lives in Northland with his missus, and, uh, she went into labour, and they were driving down, um, to hospital, and it was, like, coming, so he pulled over to a rest area and delivered the baby in the rest area next to Kerikeri. Did he then hold it up and take a photo with it? LAUGHTER CHEERING APPLAUSE Photo. Kissing it. Too small. Throw it back. Too small. Throw it back. LAUGHTER To our next clip now, and lovable goof Sam Wallace from Breakfast is a bit of a regular on Best Bits. On Tuesday Sam was asked by Jetstar to give away a travel voucher. They didn't mind how he did it, as long as it looked glamorous. Excuse me. Would you like $300 worth of Jetstar vouchers? No catch. There you go. There you go. > There you go. Have a great day. Enjoy those. > See how soggy it is? There you go. Too easy. Give us a wave! Give us a wave! > LAUGHTER Yes, nothing says goodwill like a TV presenter to, 'Pick it up, pick it up! Wave to me! Say thank you!' LAUGHTER LAUGHTER I watched Breakfast on Tuesday, and it didn't really work. He's been doing the Jetstar promotion for a while. It was wet, so no one came for tickets. He didn't have much choice, but he could've saved them, rather than pulling them out of his pocket and chucking them at people walking past. Hey, give Sam Wallace a break, man. It's not his job to know what the weather is. LAUGHTER Good work. Good work. Hooray. So, I found out last week that fans of Breakfast have a nickname. They're called The Breakfast Club. So, I was trying to think of what each of us would be called when Best Bits eventually gets viewers, uh, so I think it'd be, like` uh, so I think it'd be, like` I call mine Mum. uh, so I think it'd be, like` I call mine Mum. LAUGHTER I was thinking, like, Mulligan addicts. I was thinking, like, Mulligan addicts. Yes. Yeah. Vaughan-a-culturists. Uh, fan Beeks, Heathens, and the morbidly o' Rhys. LAUGHTER CHEERING CHEERING It'd be great. Well, it was a big week on the Paul Henry Show, where after months of trying, someone finally won that stupid nine in 10 game and took away a $35,000 car. And there was something special about the young woman who won. Watch her closely in this clip, as afterwards I'm gonna tell you something about her that will absolutely blow your mind. I've wondered what to give you as a consolation prize, but I don't need to, because you've just won a $35,000 Kia Cerato. You got nine in 10. You have won a brand new $35,000 car. This is so worth getting out of bed for! Right, so check this out ` Chelsea, the girl who won the car, hand on heart, is the new girlfriend of Best Bits panellist Rhys Mathewson. How about that? APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Thanks. APPLAUSE Thanks. Isn't that amazing? > She's so attractive. She's so attractive. Yeah, so she's definitely not gonna stay happy for long. Here's an interesting fact ` one of our producers was telling me, last week, they were following Rhys on the ramp going out of the TVNZ building, and he doesn't know how to drive a manual. So he was ahead of them on the ramp ` stop me if this isn't true, Rhys ` and started to roll backwards. Instead of putting the handbrake on, he leaned out the... the window and said, 'Get out of the way; I'm coming!' (LAUGHS) No! No! And rolled. > So now this poor woman has won a $35,000 car, and the first thing she has to do with it is teach her boyfriend to do a fucking hill start. Anything else on Rhys' pretty girlfriend? I like how she said this was worth getting out of bed for, presuming she left Rhys there. Yeah. Yeah. LAUGHTER Slightly galling at the start of a relationship when Paul Henry can provide for your girlfriend in a way that you never can. LAUGHTER I was thinking about that, because you've spent your life with a career in TV, and in 10 seconds she's made more money than you ever have. and in 10 seconds she's made more money than you ever have. LAUGHTER OK, we're gonna take a break now on Best Bits. Back soon looking at TV rednecks in our topic of the week. See you soon. APPLAUSE, CHEERING THEME MUSIC PLAYS 1 THEME MUSIC PLAYS Gidday. Welcome back to Best Bits, where each week we take a closer look at one aspect of TV in our topic of the week. And this week we're looking at television's rednecks. Now, Rednecks are often more common-sense clever rather than book smart. Some of them, like Paul from Gator Boys, are neither of those things. TENSE MUSIC LAUGHTER GASPING Oh my God. When those jaws slammed shut on Paul's head. When those jaws slammed shut on Paul's head. AUDIENCE GROANS Tell me, where is the justice where Steve Irwin is dead, but this guy is still alive? I mean, I felt more for the alligator than that jerk in that little clip. The equivalent would be a mouse ` if you woke up and there was a mouse, like, and it's sticking its head in, and you look across and there's another little mouse with a camera, going, 'Go, go, go, go.' OK, this hasn't happened to me, but if I ever saw a mouse having a heart attack while I was listening to my iPod, I would totally use my ear buds as defibrillators ` just chuck on some dubstep, 'You'll be all right.' Wait for the bass to drop. (IMITATES HEAVY BASS) Wait for the bass to drop. (IMITATES HEAVY BASS) (IMITATES HEAVY BASS) Reach for the lasers! Reach for the lasers! LAUGHTER Right. Now, one of our favourite shows here at Best Bits is a show called Best Funeral Ever, and in this clip from the show, the team honours one woman's obsession with 10-pin bowling in their usual understated way. Now we've come to the time where sister Judy Sunday will get the last strike of her life. Come on and step up. POIGNANT MUSIC AUDIENCE GROANS LAUGHTER When I got up and pushed that casket, I just had this fantastic feeling come over me like she was there helping me get it down the lane. CHEERING LAUGHTER Yes, the burial was held sometime later, after the corpse returned her special bowling shoes to the rentals counter. Though, two of those family members put their hands over the line, so that last strike technically doesn't count. so that last strike technically doesn't count. LAUGHTER You thought that part was bad taste; when mum's head rolled up the ball return was the really... That was it. That was it. LAUGHTER Came back clean, though. Came back clean, though. LAUGHTER Do you think it worked, the, uh... the funeral bowling? I know it didn't work. They cut away, they did a cheap cutaway, and another ball` Are you sure? But if you look at the alleyway, they've actually got two stoppers there to stop. Can we watch it again? Can we watch it again? Watch for the stoppers, though. > Can we watch it again? Watch for the stoppers, though. > I call BS on this funeral. INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC CRASH! CRASH! That was a different bowl. I don't know. Not necessarily. > I don't know. Not necessarily. > It was. What does the audience think? Uh, who's with Matt? CHEERING And who's with me? > LAUGHTER That's exactly how Jesse lost his job at Seven Sharp. That's exactly how Jesse lost his job at Seven Sharp. LAUGHTER It was, like, 'Who's with Mike Hosking?' 'Wahey!' 'And who's with me? 'Oh, I'm with you, Jesse.' 'Jesse, we can see you doing that.' 'No, you can't.' Like, what would be the thing that you guys base your funerals around? Like, what would be the one thing? I really like playing Scrabble, so I'd like to have some sort of Scrabble funeral. How'd you do it? They'd arrive and there would be a big board, and it would be, like, G-O-N-E, you know, D-E-C-E-A-S-E-D. Or you know how you chuck dirt down into the hole... Or you know how you chuck dirt down into the hole... Yeah. > ...on the coffin, everybody could have some Scrabble letters. ...on the coffin, everybody could have some Scrabble letters. Scrabble tiles. Yeah. > Cos that's how every game of Scrabble ends anyway ` fuck this! And they'd throw the tiles in, and then I'd throw one back. Not a Q! OK, to our next clip now, and Shelby the Swamp Man speaks a sort of a Redneck English that no one in the world understands, including probably Shelby the Swamp Man. See how much you can learn from this rant about tuna fish. How can I pay <BLEEP> when I'm paying off my pirate ship with them? That's gold in this, swimming gold right here. You gotta capture some tuna fish, worth some money. Yellow food too, yellow feet, yellow food, yellow feed, yellow-fin tuna! Uh-oh! You got past me there, man. (SPITS) LAUGHTER Imagine being the sound guy for that show, just standing there all day, getting spat on. Imagine having to subtitle it ` you'd be, like, 'What?' You'd just replay it, replay it, replay it. I'd just change it to wingdings and then just be, like,... 'I think this is what he's saying ` triangle, eagle, square, stop sign.' Now, Redneck TV show Party Down South may seem a little bit, I don't know, unintellectual to start with, but if you listen closely enough, you can really learn a thing or two. I have so many shoes I couldn't even shut my shoes, so I had to duct tape it. There ain't nothing duct tape can't fix, huh? There ain't nothing duct tape can't fix, huh? That's right. Duct tape and Jesus is, like, the best things in the world. Cos prayer and duct tape can fix anything. Ironically, it was the rise of duct tape that put an end to Jesus' carpentry business. And you know if Jesus can't keep you a virgin, duct tape can. LAUGHTER My daughter came home from school the other day and she just said, 'Mum, I love Jesus.' I was, like, that is fantastic. Did it end with, 'Because he's the Mexican guy that provides tacos in the school cafeteria on Tuesdays'? Cos I love that Jesus too. He is great. That's our topic of the week. We'll be back soon with an out-of-control pubic-hair fire in our Best Bits From Around The World. See you soon. THEME MUSIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYS DANCE MUSIC PLAYS # Oh. Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah. # It's now illegal to give under-18s alcohol without parental consent. Don't be a 'cool dad'. See alcohol.org.nz for how the new law impacts you. 1 THEME MUSIC Hey, welcome back. It's time now for the best of the TV you don't get to see, in our Best Bits From Around The World. This Channel 7 promo from Australia gives us a rare and quite interesting insight into what the Aussies really think of us. NZ, home to the amazing toothbrush fence. Choice, bro, that's awesome. Choice, bro, that's awesome. The pumpkin race that stops a nation in its tracks. Sweet as, bro. ALL: Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, oi, oi, oi! ...versus the Kiwis. ...versus the Kiwis. ALL: Kiwi, Kiwi, Kiwi! ...versus the Kiwis. ALL: Kiwi, Kiwi, Kiwi! BLEATING LAUGHTER Yeah. All right, Australia. You know what used to be an amazing race? Aboriginal people. LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE Oh! So that's what's playing in Australia now, taking the piss out of Kiwis. I didn't even know we had a toothbrush fence. I didn't know about the pumpkin race. The pumpkin race, it's from Hamilton. That's fantastic. Were those real pumpkins? Were those real pumpkins? Yeah. Were those real pumpkins? Yeah. No. Yeah. They're leftover pumpkins from a massive Waikato pumpkin-growing competition. All right, mate, I'm telling them about the pumpkin race. Hey, let me share my Hamilton stories. It's not often we get to bathe in the glory of giant pumpkins in a river. Well, ol' stubble got defensive there. Well, ol' stubble got defensive there. What did you call me? Ol' stubble, cos you've got a weird bit of stubble like you're jealous of me. I haven't shaved since last week's show, and I was about to go into the shower today, and I said to the wife, 'Should I do a stubble look on Best Bits tonight?' She was, like, 'I think you look quite manly,' so I gave it a go. The 80-year-old women who make up 95% of your fan base are gonna be mortified. One reason I've got the stubble is now last year, when I was working on Seven Sharp, my co-host at the time, uh, Greg Boyed read out a survey which said that the most attractive thing you can do as a man to make yourself more attractive is to grow stubble ` women find you masculine and therefore sexually attractive. women find you masculine and therefore sexually attractive. Full beard, or this kind of thing? There's a certain point at which it becomes a bit comical and you're not really helping yourself. > A bit of stubble is quite helpful. A bit of stubble is quite helpful. So it's kind of rugged. whereas this is a bit more, kind of, Santa. Yeah. Yeah. LAUGHTER You know you see those old photos of the Beatles before they got famous? This is like Santa before he started doing presents. Now, the TV show Splash is the Dancing With The Stars of diving. And in this clip, ex-Baywatch actress Nicole Eggert proved that she's not quite as nimble around the water as she used to be. Your pre-dive warm-up before the show, and something happened, right? Um, actually, I think we have a tape of that. So let's take a look at it right there. Oh! SPLASH! LAUGHTER Yes, it's not the first time in her career that her breasts have saved her, and it won't be the last. So this TV show is Splash which, by the way, I think they missed a sitter ` they should have called it Come Dive With Me, but anyway... Um, and they get celebrities, they teach them to dive, so this is the dream, is that one of them will collapse like this and have a horrible... But this is just the latest in the string of 'celebrities can do something' shows. Like, you had Celebrity MasterChef, uh, and celebrity ballroom dancing. Those ones were OK because no one's gonna, like, break their neck if they do it wrong, but now you got celebrity, like, diving. What's next? Like, celebrity armed offenders squad? Celebrities have a go at surgeries? Like, it's crazy that they're just letting celebrities do things that can kill them. Dr Warner, right? You, uh... (GASPS) True story ` this very day, today I got a call from the MTV show Ridiculousness. Have you seen that in America? It's people hurting themselves, and they play it back and laugh at them. And a few years ago, I accidentally shot someone in the face with a T-shirt cannon at a radio promotion, nearly killed them. I just got rung up, and they're gonna to pay me to use the clip. Wow! Wow! Hey! Not the guy that got hit in the face ` he doesn't get anything. Right, to our next clip now. The Tony Awards were on in New York this week. The audience there is a who's who of the entertainment industry. It's a chance to rub shoulders, network, and in Sting's case, to clap like a 3-year-old. Idina Menzel. I'm sorry. Unbelievable! Idina! CHEERING LAUGHTER It seems that Sting has been has now been having sex for so long that even his fingers have erections. < How do you clap? Because when I saw this clip, I think I saw you clap similar to that a couple of weeks ago, during the show. Yes, that might be right, because I remember when my wife saw me on TV a couple of times clapping, she said, 'You've gotta change it.' Cos she's, like, I was sort of a bit like that. So, from the wrist. So now that's sort of my natural, uh, clap ` a sort of a limp-wristed kind of that. And then if I think about it, halfway through, I go... Drop it down. Drop it down. Yeah, exactly. You should feel good about a clap or a laugh or something, anything like that, I think, because I used to have a laugh when I was 6, and it was an organic, natural child-like laugh. It was... (RASPS LIKE DONALD DUCK) I was totally hassled for sounding like Donald Duck, so I would spend afternoons at home crying, practicing a new laugh. (LAUGHS) What did your crying sound like? Was it like Donald Duck crying as well? Was it like... (QUACKS) I don't know. I don't know. (LAUGHS, QUACKS) LAUGHTER I've blacked it all out. I've blacked it all out. That would have been a hell of thing to find, to walk in on. LAUGHTER That is our show for the week. My thanks to our panellists, to our studio audience and to you at home. Before we go, take a look at a recreation from new show Sex Sent Me To ER, where people recount painful sexual incidents that sent them to hospital. In this one, pay particular attention to the screaming. It's our clip of the week. The next thing I know I just saw... a whoosh... of flame right in front of me, and I heard my husband go... (SHRIEKS) The wax went up like a ball of flames. You know, it went from being, you know, excited to being, you know, in total panic. I was shocked, and I smelled more burning, and the room was lit up, but there wasn't any lights on.