UPBEAT MUSIC Captions by Pippa Jefferies. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014 AUDIENCE CHEERS Hello. Good evening, and welcome to Best Bits, all the best, worst and weirdest of the week's TV. My name's Jesse Mulligan. Let's meet tonight's panel. We call him Monty for short ` it's Guy Montgomery. AUDIENCE CHEERS Nice one. Nice one. Next to him, we call her Monty for short ` it's Heidi O'Loughlin. AUDIENCE CHEERS What We Do in the Shadows is her new feature film ` it's Jackie van Beek. AUDIENCE CHEERS And what he does in the shadows will eventually make him go blind ` it's Rhys Mathewson. Yep. (WHIRRS) No, no, no. We should tell you Vaughan Smith is not here, because he's had a beautiful baby girl called August Smith, so congratulations, Vaughan. APPLAUSE Yes, look at that beautiful baby. Just like her dad ` already hiding her baldness with headwear. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Good on you, Vaughan. OK, and to our first clip. Campbell Live has just turned 10 years old, and to celebrate, Tim Shadbolt brought in some cheese rolls that appeared to contain some special Shadbolt herbs. Hold on. Oh. Hold on. Oh. OK. < I'd definitely make Tim try it first. < I'd definitely make Tim try it first. Not bad! They're not bad! (GIGGLES) Not bad for a beginner. Not bad for a beginner. (GIGGLES, CLEARS THROAT) So` So there it is. And you can have the rest there, John. LAUGHTER My generosity knows no bounds. LAUGHTER Holy moly. They are... (LAUGHS) They're kind of tangy, though. It's what you call Kiwi sushi. They're kind of tangy, though. It's what you call Kiwi sushi. LAUGHS: They're bloody awful. LAUGHTER Yes, the rest of Campbell Live that night was just the two of them sitting there listening to a Pink Floyd album. And Tim Shadbolt ` I mean, does this man ever age? Every time you see him, he looks exactly the same. STRAINED: 'Oh, look, Tim Shadbolt, the mayor of Invercargill. I left home on a commune, 'and I made a pact with the devil for the mayoralty of Invercargill in exchange for my eyes.' LAUGHTER Well, that's a good impression of someone, but I'm not sure it's Tim Shadbolt. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER I feel bad for whoever made the cheese rolls. Yeah. Yeah. You've got the two most enthusiastic men in NZ badmouthing your product. It can't be good for morale. It can't be good for morale. When Tim Shadbolt and John Campbell can't find anything nice to say, you know it's a terrible cheese roll. Now we go to food, and a person's reasons for not eating meat are entirely their own. In the case of Carly from My Kitchen Rules, she probably should have kept her reasons to herself. I don't really like pork, cos when I was little, I watched Babe, and I don't wanna eat things that talk, so that's why I'm not that keen on pork. LAUGHTER But I do eat bacon. LAUGHTER If she can't eat pork because of Babe, then surely she can't eat lamb, fish or dog either. Cos all the animals... Cos all the animals... Because` Cos all the animals... Because` ...talk. Shaun the Sheep, um, Nemo, Scooby Doo, and if she's ever watched The Munch Bunch, that's all fruit and veggies gone as well. Apparently, all people trying to go vegetarian, bacon's their hardest thing. That's what people always say. That's what people always say. Yeah, bacon. Well, I was vegetarian for 20 years, and, uh, bacon was probably a pretty big part in pulling me back. You're walking past a cafe and smell that smell and think, 'Oh yeah, I could probably go a bit of that.' Is that what broke you? Is that what broke you? I don't know if I got pulled by bacon; I think I got pushed by mung beans. I think I got pushed by mung beans. LAUGHTER Yeah. Yeah. I thought this lady ` she's a principled woman. She doesn't eat anything that talks. She doesn't eat anything that talks. Yeah. > So by that logic, though, she can eat mute people, um... So by that logic, though, she can eat mute people, um... LAUGHTER All right, on Coronation Street this week, a teenager was being cyberbullied. Unfortunately, none of the people who write for Coronation Street are under the age of 60, as you'll see when they try to come up with a hardcore cyberbully text message. It's a stupid party, and I don't have to go if I don't want to. OK. OK. CELL PHONE CHIMES OK. CELL PHONE CHIMES < It's up to you. LAUGHTER And they cut the mum's dialogue line there, which was... (BRITISH ACCENT) 'Just sent you a text, love.' They don't show the funny side of cyberbullying in that. They don't show everyone at the party being, like, 'Send that text! Send that text! Yeah, yeah!' Now, with the General Election coming up in September, National's candidate for Epsom, Paul Goldsmith, is proving that he can handle the tough questions. Hi, Paul. Can I ask why you didn't turn up to the Epsom debate? Hi, Paul. Can I ask why you didn't turn up to the Epsom debate? Oh, well, I, um... What I did was I wanted to, um, stand for the, uh, National Party in Epsom and do the best job that we possibly can. LAUGHTER Now, if that was an actor pretending to be a shonky politician, he'd be fired for overdoing it. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Amazing footage, wasn't it? If that's how he answers that question, I would have actually loved to see him at that debate. They'd be, like, 'What do you think about council tax?' And he'll be, like, 'I am... doing a debate.' LAUGHTER LAUGHTER And we should explain to people one of the reasons he's being so cautious is because traditionally Epsom is the seat where National runs a candidate, but they don't want to win. They want the other party to win so they get more MPs. It's one of those complicated MMP things. You would be that guy for National Epsom once, right, if it helped your political career, but why come back three years later and go, 'I've got the passion to lose this again.' I know. You must, like, develop some sort of, like, depression or something. I mean, it's so grim. I used to watch wrestling when I was a kid. They had wrestlers turn up to fight Hulk Hogan with no chance of winning and were, like, 'Hulk Hogan against Barry Horowitz.' 'Hulk Hogan against Barry Horowitz.' LAUGHTER Now, having had no luck tracking down a Sasquatch over five seasons of TV, Finding Bigfoot team member Bobo is using increasingly elaborate bait for his Bigfoot traps. With help from a local expert, they follow up on some intriguing leads and discover a potential hotspot, where Bobo calls in the aid of some friends... (SINGS IN HAWAIIAN) ...in hopes that a Hawaiian luau can lure in a hungry Bigfoot. LAUGHTER That is the most dramatic music that has ever been said behind the phrase 'Hawaiian luau'. I think they're on the right track, though. I mean, I think if you're trying to attract a kind of hairy, kind of apelike kind of creature, I think a barbecue's gonna do it, wouldn't you agree, Rhys, or any of the other panellists? I think` I think` Are you inviting me to a barbecue? Sunday, it's my daughter's birthday. She's turning 7. She'd just love it. She's a big fan. Cool. It's time for our Best Bits Awards, where we recognise the week's outstanding achievements in television. The 'Calm Down, Mate' Award goes to Attorney General Chris Finlayson for this emphatic declaration of enthusiasm. Oh yes, I've made it clear to the folk in Gisborne that I'm very very enthusiastic about working with them. LAUGHTER 'And later this week I'll be explaining that to my face.' 'And later this week I'll be explaining that to my face.' LAUGHTER I don't know if anyone knows about Chris Finlayson ` government minister. government minister. I, uh` I know a little about him. Yep. > Yep. > He's a very` He's described himself in the media as an odd fish. He is gay, celibate, uh, Catholic and a` and a Conservative MP, so I genuinely do think that that was Chris Finlayson at maximum excitement. LAUGHTER All right, moving on. The 'Show, Don't Tell' Award goes to Jason from My Kitchen Rules for fronting up to guest judge Colin Fassnidge. ALL: Yes! ALL: Yes! Are we starting to feel pressure, sweat? ALL: Yes, Chef. ALL: Yes, Chef. Panic? Yes, Chef. Yes, Chef. You're both feeling panic? Yes, Chef. You're both feeling panic? So am I. Well, you don't look it. DRAMATIC MUSIC LAUGHTER, GROANING The guest judge later described that armpit as a little underseasoned. The guest judge later described that armpit as a little underseasoned. LAUGHTER They're gonna be making My Kitchen Rules NZ later this year, and NZers ` you know how cool they are, right? It's just gonna be hour upon hour of just, like, 'Hey, it's pretty good.' It's just gonna be hour upon hour of just, like, 'Hey, it's pretty good.' LAUGHTER 'Well, what did you think of your arch-enemy's food?' 'Yeah, it's not bad.' All right, to our next award now, and the Old School Acting Award goes to Wonder Woman, currently showing reruns on Jones. Now, see if you can spot the actor who's got just one line in this scene and is keen to put everything into it. And the eliminations are on Friday. And the eliminations are on Friday. If you're going to compete, you have to practise. Why don't you guys show me a couple of stunts? I hear you're good. Why don't you guys show me a couple of stunts? I hear you're good. Good? She's terrific! LAUGHTER Now, I should say, remember, this is 1976 in America. Black people were only allowed on TV if they promised to look like they weren't going to stab anyone. We'll take a break now on Best Bits, and we'll be back soon with our topic of the week. It's Women on TV. See you soon. AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS Hi. People coming and buy food. I know they smoking the naughty cigarette and take long time to order. I say, 'You too slow. You have a crispy duck. Sit down.' (LAUGHS) This lady just look at the cat. Looking, looking, looking. Why the lady looking the cat? I take away the cat, and she make the order. I think, 'How can she drive? Lady, be careful.' AUDIENCE CHEERS Welcome back to Best Bits, where each week we take a closer look at one aspect of TV in our topic of the week. And this week we're looking at Women on TV, and to women looking for love, first of all. I Wanna Marry Harry is a reality show that follows 12 American women who falsely believe they're competing for the affections of Prince Harry. This one particular contestant is willing to do anything just to get his attention. Are you sure? I really don't feel safe about this. Are you sure? I really don't feel safe about this. I got it. OMINOUS MUSIC AUDIENCE EXCLAIM Are you OK? LAUGHTER The bad news is you've broken your neck and will never walk again. The good news is you haven't ruined your chance with the prince. You've just ruined it with a weird-looking ginger bloke. You've just ruined it with a weird-looking ginger bloke. LAUGHTER At the risk of sounding mean, if you believe that that stranger is part of the royal family and that they're doing a reality show in America with 12 bachelorettes, she's had head collisions before. she's had head collisions before. LAUGHTER That's a good likeness of Prince Harry. If you were a stupid American, it's not hard to believe you might think you're actually going to marry the Prince. Well, water safety is a real issue, and I think this is, like, the closest we're ever gonna get for Prince Harry doing for life jackets what his mum did for seat belts. what his mum did for seat belts. AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS To Beauty and the Geek Australia now and a lovable girl named Jessica, who revealed this week that she has two academic weaknesses ` geography and reality. I wanted to tell you my first tattoo was of a unicorn. Unicorns ` I don't know what country they're from. LAUGHTER Did you know, Jessica, if you catch a unicorn, you actually get special powers? It's a little bit like Chlamydia. It's a little bit like Chlamydia. LAUGHTER So what are the special powers that Chlamydia gives you? Um, you get into the Waikato Museum for free. Um, you get into the Waikato Museum for free. LAUGHTER I don't know if you noticed the screen ` she's a flight attendant, so she should be good at geography. Maybe she just sees the inside of the plane and occasionally the pilot's hotel room. Um... LAUGHTER Sometimes women are there to solve problems in a way that a man never could. On Finding Bigfoot this week, they came up with a bright idea of how to get Bigfoot to come and find them. Because we might dealing with an aggressive male Bigfoot here, I thought it best if the women try some female Sasquatch calls to see if that might lure in a frisky male Bigfoot looking for a good time. (HOWLS) LAUGHTER Watch out, lady. You know what they say about a creature with big feet. Watch out, lady. You know what they say about a creature with big feet. LAUGHTER It's true. How far do these women have to go? What if the big frisky creature is lured in, and what if he is looking for a good time? If Bigfoot shows up, and I know we're getting into a dicey area of sexual politics here but if she's been doing a mating call, he's got every right to expect that she might be up for it. Otherwise... Yeah, that's right. You do the mating call... It'll be hard to back out then is all I'm saying. Lust` Lust very quickly turns to anger. Lust` Lust very quickly turns to anger. Yeah. That woman is either real brave or real sure that Bigfoot doesn't exist. Between this and the luau, what the creators of Finding Bigfoot didn't anticipate is a gay vegetarian Bigfoot. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER The Chris Finlayson of the jungle. LAUGHTER The Chris Finlayson of the jungle. Exactly. On reality shows, it's often the women who come out looking the best. In this clip from House Rules, Russell is caught lying to his wife about the availability of curtains. With all these cameras around, it's hard to see how he thinks he'll get away with it. Victory Blinds are here. Victory Blinds are here. Can you just ask them if they do curtains? Do you do, um, curtains? Yes, mate. We do do curtains. Yes, mate. Yes, mate. Carol? Yes. Yes. No, they don't do curtains. LAUGHTER They don't do curtains? No. LAUGHTER I mean, he's a dead man, isn't he? She's a total ball-breaker. She'll be there in three minutes. She'll say, 'You don't do curtains?' 'We do.' 'Why the fuck did you tell me they don't do curtains? 'What else have you lied about? Where were you last night?' At the start, they should have had a note saying, 'This argument is being recorded for training purposes.' Where did`? As a married woman, Jackie, where did he go wrong in lying to his wife? It's in the second bit there, where they go, 'So do they do curtains?' 'No.' 'Oh, they don't do curtains?' 'No.' That was the moment he could have gone back, 'Sorry, darling. I made a mistake. The wrong word came out. I love you so much. They do curtains. See you in a couple of minutes. Love you.' Maybe this guy knows exactly what he's doing. About eight weeks prior to this, he went, 'No, babe, we'll go on a competition reality show. It'll strengthen our relationship.' What we're actually seeing is the death throes of a man flailing in a drowning relationship. I think it's the most passive-aggressive way to end a relationship in the world. He can't say anything to her face, so he takes her on reality TV, lies to her through the show and waits for her to watch it back and say, 'You were lying the whole time!' Then she ends the relationship, and he doesn't have to. Fucking genius, mate, and I'm with you on this. I think anyone who doesn't have it in them to end a relationship, they act a bit mean, distant for as long as it takes for the other person to end it. I did see Seven Sharp crosses where Mike Hosking was, like, 'Oh, you're wearing that, are you, Jesse?' LAUGHTER Now, some of our favourite TV moments come when a female news anchor gets one over on a male colleague. Hilary Barry is great at it, but this woman from Channel Ten News Australia came up with the best zing of all time. They'll spend four days at home before flying out for the World Cup. And, Belinda, I just can't understand how something so small can be so impressive. Well, Mark, you would know about that. Thank you very much. Weather's next with Jane Reilly. Whoa! Whoa! LAUGHTER If that dude didn't have a small one to start with, it'll be well and truly shrivelled now. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER It was such a thing of beauty, I'm going to call for the clip again so we can enjoy all of its wonderfulness. They'll spend four days at home before flying out for the World Cup. And, Belinda, I just can't understand how something so small can be so impressive. Well, Mark, you would know about that. Thank you very much. Weather's next with Jane Reilly. She does look quite pleased with herself when she turns back to camera. She even afforded herself a 'thank you very much' in the middle of it. 'Thank you very much. This is my ticket out of here.' She just really wanted to say, 'Looks like we've got a second set of Ashes... after that burn!' LAUGHTER And that is it for our topic of the week. We'll be back soon with a very smelly rubbish bin in our Best Bits From Around the World. See you soon. AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS DANCE MUSIC PLAYS DANCE MUSIC PLAYS # Oh. Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah. # It's now illegal to give under-18s alcohol without parental consent. Don't be a 'cool dad'. See alcohol.org.nz for how the new law impacts you. AUDIENCE CHEERS Welcome back. It's time for the best of the TV you don't get to see in our Best Bits From Around the World. Let's go to US game show Wheel of Fortune now, where Stephen is on the verge of solving the puzzle 'surf city, here we come'. Let's see how he gets on. ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS Stephen. Stephen. Surf clay, where we go. Oh. LAUGHTER Zlata? Zlata? Surf city, here we come! Yeah, that's it. Yeah, that's it. Whoo! Yes, Stephen, you know Wheel of Fortune isn't for you when you get words wrong which are spelt out on the board in their entirety. LAUGHTER What is surf clay? And 'where' isn't spelt like that. And he spells 'go' C-O-M-E. Imagine playing Hangman with him. 'OK, OK, it's a seven-letter word beginning with H,' you have your go, get hung and you're, like, 'OK, what is it?' He's, like, 'It's table.' 'I hate you, and I want a divorce!' 'I hate you, and I want a divorce!' LAUGHTER Can we see a screenshot of it again? Is that possible? Can we see a screenshot of it again? Is that possible? Uh, yeah, there we go. See, why are they worried about spelling when there is a tiny woman under their desk? Whoa! Whoa! Oh yeah, I hadn't seen her. Whoa! Oh yeah, I hadn't seen her. LAUGHTER My God. You know what? I think we've found Madeleine McCann. LAUGHTER Now, even if you weren't interested in ice hockey's Stanley Cup final, there was plenty of entertainment in this live cross. Keep your eyes on the left of the screen. If you love drama, then you're a very happy person tonight. Never a dull moment with these Kings. Yes, the only way to get more hurt than that in the cold is to be a streaker at the Otago rugby. LAUGHTER Occasionally, in real life you'll see someone walk into a glass door, and you know that's been a good day. There's something` I think for me the real beauty in seeing someone fall over isn't always the fall, but it's the moment when they look around to try and make sure no one saw it happen and you just lock eyes. and you just lock eyes. I know. > I saw` The other day I saw a hipster a guy on Ponsonby Rd ` you know had his chinos on and his beard and his stupid little hat ` he walked into a bus stop pole, and I was on the other side of the road, and if you're watching tonight, I want you to know you didn't think anyone saw, but I saw. Now, Welsh TV show The Call Centre shows us that no matter how organised a company is, there's always a possibility something will come up you hadn't planned for. I think somebody must have been absolutely desperate, couldn't cork it any longer and, um,... used that. We haven't got a company policy on shitting in the bins. LAUGHTER You should come work at TVNZ, mate. We don't just have a policy on it; on Thursdays, it's compulsory. We don't just have a policy on it; on Thursdays, it's compulsory. LAUGHTER I used to poo my pants a lot on the way to school. Um... When you were dropping the kids off? When you were dropping the kids off? No! When you were dropping the kids off? No! LAUGHTER The last incident was 2002, so I would have been at least 10 years younger than I am now. But, um, no, as a child, I'd have Weet-Bix; fast metabolism. Mum would say, 'Have you been to the toilet?' I'd say yes. I'd get halfway, need to go for a poo, couldn't go back, couldn't go forward, do the poo. And it was always the school bully that helped me at school, and I think there's a lesson in that. I don't know what that lesson was, but it's a beautiful thing. Did they send you texts that says, 'Everyone thinks you smell?' Did they send you texts that says, 'Everyone thinks you smell?' LAUGHTER That was when I was 7 and 8. I tell my kids that. I'm, like, 'If you poo your pants, someone will come and help you. 'It could be the school bully. It could be your friend.' 'It could be the school bully. It could be your friend.' 'If you poo your pants, seek out the school bully and tell them about it.' seek out the school bully and tell them about it.' LAUGHTER I think of those millions of dollars that Weet-Bix have put into marketing with the All Blacks you've just undone with that one little story. Oops. Oops. How many can you do? Oops. How many can you do? LAUGHTER, GROANING That is our show for another week. Thanks to the panellists, to our studio audience and to you at home. Before we go ` some great news for fans of Campbell Live this week. He introduced a new segment called John Makes Fun of Old People. Check it out. It's our clip of the week. I've just been to The Warehouse to buy some knickers and bras. It's not until you get to the counter they say, 'Would you like a bag for those?' And if you say, yes, you're walking down the mall with knickers and bras, they charge you an extra 30c after all the millions that he made. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. I think it's a rip-off to get people to do that when they're not even aware they're having to pay. 10c a bag. 10c a bag. Now I've realised, I'm taking a Farmer's bag or a shopping bag or a Countdown bag in with me to The Warehouse if I have to go in in case I buy anything because the 30c is added on surreptitiously without them telling you about it. They just say, 'Do you want a bag? Do you need a bag?' LAUGHTER I feel sorry for him. John Campbell would never have decided to interview that answerphone if he hadn't got baked with Tim Shadbolt earlier in the show. That is our show. See you another time. Goodbye! Goodbye! That is our show. See you another time. Goodbye! Goodbye! AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS Captions by Pippa Jefferies. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014