www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015 CHEERING, APPLAUSE Good evening and welcome to Best Bits, the show with all the best, the worst and weirdest of the week's TV. I'm Jesse Mulligan. Next to me on the panel are four very funny people. This week they are ` from ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Megan, Vaughan Smith; improviser and comedian Donna Brookbanks. improviser and comedian Donna Brookbanks. CHEERING, APPLAUSE 2014 Billy T winner, Guy Montgomery; 2014 Billy T winner, Guy Montgomery; CHEERING, APPLAUSE and comedy legend and Hauraki DJ Jason Hoyte. and comedy legend and Hauraki DJ Jason Hoyte. CHEERING, APPLAUSE Now, with the Blackcaps winning and World Cup cricket fever gripping the country, every media outlet is doing their best to stand out. Prime News, for example, have assembled an expert panel to provide some razor-sharp post-match analysis. ALL TALK OVER EACH OTHER A few runs hit off Southee, but you know, he stepped up, and Boult obviously. Bloody fantastic. We cleaned the Aussies out. Ah, cricket. The crack of leather on willow followed by the slosh of vomit on pillow. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Can any of guys actually translate what they were saying? As`? As men? Oh, I think it was perfectly clear, actually. Um, uh, Southee was a bit expensive early on. Boult bought it back, and we gave the Australians a good old-fashioned rogering. CHEERING, APPLAUSE By one wicket... By one wicket... LAUGHTER But it doesn't matter how we did it. We won. It was exciting. You were there? What was really funny about it, cos we were all sitting there, and at the halfway stage, everyone went, 'Oh my God. This is just magnificent. 'We're going to give them such a shafting.' And then towards the end, everyone was talking about the fact that this game didn't really matter. everyone was talking about the fact that this game didn't really matter. LAUGHTER When we lost four wickets, everyone was going, 'Oh, this game doesn't matter that much.' And there was one guy that didn't say anything. If we watch it again, there's a guy on the left. You watch him. He doesn't say anything at all. A few runs hit off Southee, but you know, he stepped up, and Boult obviously. Bloody fantastic. We cleaned the Aussies out. He's going, 'Don't spew on TV. Don't spew on TV. Don't spew on TV.' I feel like he looks at the camera at one point. He's, like, 'Who are you guys talking to?' Let's stick with sport. The daily rigours of reporting can take it's toll on our nation's journalists. From the way John Campbell conducts the next interview, it looks suspiciously like he may have been burning the marijuana candle at both ends. I'm glad to be here. This is the best team I've ever played for internationally. Really? Really? Really. Why? Why? I-I just told you. Why? I-I just told you. BOTH LAUGH You did. You did. LAUGHTER John Campbell obeying the first rule of journalism ` if a man 2ft taller than you starts laughing angrily, it's probably safest just to laugh along with him. it's probably safest just to laugh along with him. LAUGHTER I think he was just going, 'So tall. Just so tall.' I think he was just going, 'So tall. Just so tall.' LAUGHTER I wouldn't say he is stoned, but I've run into similar problems when I'm introducing myself to people at parties, where you go, 'Hi, my name's Guy.' And you can do the role. Hi, my name's Guy. Gidday, Guy. Gidday, Guy. And you say your name. Gidday, Guy. And you say your name. Jason. So, as he's saying his name, in my head, I'm going, 'My name's Guy.' That's the information I've already come into this with. That's the information I've already come into this with. LAUGHTER Of course, we weren't serious that an upstanding TV role model like John Campbell might have been enjoying a puff of the devil's lettuce. We weren't serious, and then we saw this clip. It depends on the people, I'd say. Leave it to the people. Excuse me. Oh! Man! What is that? What did you order? Oh! Man! What is that? What did you order? I've got some, um, uh, pork. You hungry? Would you like to join? You hungry? Would you like to join? (LAUGHS) You hungry? Would you like to join? (LAUGHS) LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE We have got to get John Campbell in the Best Bits studio audience. We have got to get John Campbell in the Best Bits studio audience. LAUGHTER Well, the thing is if he gets that excited over a bowl of pork, imagine what he'd be like at a buffet. He'd be climaxing all over the place. He'd be, 'Ham on the bone! Ribs! 'Oh my God! Pass the salad! (MOANS PASSIONATELY)' LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Marvellous! I think we need more 'man on the street' segments from John Campbell in the show. Like, what I'd like to see is a show maybe called What's NZ Eating, and it's just John Campbell ripping bongs and walking into food courts. and it's just John Campbell ripping bongs and walking into food courts. LAUGHTER It's time for our Best Bits Awards, where we recognise this week's achievements in television. The Starship Hospital Compassion Award goes to the show Monsters Inside Me. When you're suffering from a terrible sickness, it's great to have a caring wife by your side. MAN: Multiple sclerosis is a debilitating disease in which the body's immune system eats away at the nerves. Jill. Jill! MAN: Jill, however, has a very different explanation. Men can be real babies sometimes. Men can be real babies sometimes. LAUGHTER Yes, I feel like someone isn't taking the 'in sickness and in health' vow very seriously. She's obviously never googled the symptoms of any, um, ailment. My doctor googles stuff. If I go in to give him the symptoms, he'll be, like, 'Oh yeah. Tell me more.' Like, he doesn't advertise it, but you can see` Like, he doesn't advertise it, but you can see` Stop typing! Into Google, yeah. He gets his results, and then down the side, it says, 'People who got this disease also bought the Da Vinci Code.' 'People who got this disease also bought the Da Vinci Code.' LAUGHTER 'What I prescribe to you is a good Dan Brown novel.' LAUGHTER Well, next up, the Must Try Harder Award. This goes to the TV show Strange Pets, where tonight, we met a psychic who channels the dead through his cat. This psychic is so good that he knows what you're gonna say about half a second after you've said it. Right, when did you last dream about your dog? Probably about... Probably about... BOTH: ...two or three weeks ago. Probably about... BOTH: ...two or three weeks ago. LAUGHTER I reckon I could be a psychic like that guy. Uh, let me have a go at it. Uh, now, Donna? Uh, now, Donna? Yep. Uh, now, Donna? Yep. What town were you born in? BOTH: Wellington. BOTH: Wellington. LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE Uh, now, I don't know the names of your children, do I? Uh, now, I don't know the names of your children, do I? You do. 100%. OK. OK. LAUGHTER You asked me just before. You asked me just before. All right. (CHUCKLES) > You asked me just before. All right. (CHUCKLES) > (CLEARS THROAT) OK. OK. LAUGHTER OK. LAUGHTER Thanks for playing along (!) Did you notice that his, um, rainbow cloak didn't fit him? I think he was wearing a large, but clearly he's a medium! Hey, hey! Hey, hey! APPLAUSE Hey, hey! APPLAUSE I like it. OK, can we see one more time? Because I can buy into the fact that he's using his cat to talk to dead spirits of animals that then the cat then tells him the answers. I can buy that, but there's something I can't buy in this clip. I can buy that, but there's something I can't buy in this clip. Let's take a look. > Right, when did you last dream about your dog? Can you pause it? Their washer and dryer are in their lounge. Can you pause it? Their washer and dryer are in their lounge. LAUGHTER Like, that's fucking crazy. Like, as much as talking to dead animals through your live animal is mental, who's got room for that in their lives? You'd be trying to watch TV, and it'd be, like, 'Whoo...' Or the towels get off-balance, and it's, like, 'Beep, beep, beep, beep. Beep, beep, beep...' Maybe so they can just reach back. How annoying is that? You put a sheet in, and it does that noise, and then you fix it, and five minutes later, it's doing it again. and then you fix it, and five minutes later, it's doing it again. 'Beep, beep, beep, beep...' Yeah, but the psychic would know. He'd be, like, 'Beep, beep, beep beep!' We're gonna take a break now on Best Bits. We'll be back soon, looking at the world's worst TV presenter as we take on Food TV in our Topic of the Week. See you soon. as we take on Food TV in our Topic of the Week. See you soon. APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Welcome back to Best Bits, where each week at this time, we take a closer look at one particular aspect of TV. We call it our Topic of the Week. This week's topic is Food TV. Now, a big part of being a dessert chef is coming up with appetising-sounding names for your creations. Names like chocolate-layer cake, red velvet, raspberry sponge. I'm still not quite so sure about this one. Recipes can be complicated and take so long to make. Hi, Kathy Mitchell here with my new dump cake. Yes, dump cakes. Perfect for eating after a break-up. Or a poo. Or a poo. LAUGHTER < Why are infomercials always like this? Why are the people who are terrible at the thing that you need the new thing to be better at, why are they always in black and white? why are they always in black and white? Can we get a freeze-frame? Yeah, sure, let's take a look. Yeah, sure, let's take a look. It's a whizzy bloody thing, and she's got a bloody spoon in there as well. No wonder there's fucking flour flying everywhere. There was an intense ACC ad. You remember when ACC started doing those full-on ads, like falling off ladders and` like falling off ladders and` The guy that fell in the shower, I hated that. Do you know my favourite? The woman that fell through the glass coffee table. What do you mean your favourite? What do you mean your favourite? Cos it was made to look like an ad for a muesli bar. 'Are your kids always hungry and stuff and wanting muesli bars? 'Aargh!' Boosh! Straight through the glass. I was, like... (GASPS) Greatest twist ever! That whole series of ACC ads was set in one house. A really clumsy family. Dad hears the noise of the mum falling through the coffee table while he's carrying a box down the stairs. Then the guy's, like, 'I better get out then see what that is.' Boom! And then the guy outside, cleaning out the gutter. He's, like, 'Is everybody OK? Aargh!' Judicious editing is important when you're making a cooking show. By preparing and perfecting a dish ahead of time, producers can make sure there's no chance at all it'll come out of the oven looking disgusting. It is a beautiful thing. Look at that. Look at that. LAUGHTER Yes, it looks exactly the same as when it went in, except now it's weeping like an open sore. It looks like one of Wendy's dump cakes. I think even John Campbell would have a problem getting enthusiastic about that meatloaf. A lot of food doesn't look flash, but if you're watching a cooking show, you want it to be visually appealing, don't you? Meatloaf has sort of gone out of fashion. Did your mum used to make meatloaf when you were little? Did your mum used to make meatloaf when you were little? Ev-Every day. It feels like, anyway. She said to me, 'What do you miss the most about living at home?' I said meatloaf to make her feel better. So every time I go home, I get a meatloaf, and I've not really liked it since I was 7. But she has to find out on television? What sort of animal am I? The name's sort gone out of fashion, hasn't it? Meatloaf doesn't really sound all that appealing. A loaf of meat. A loaf of meat. We could call it a flesh log. A loaf of meat. We could call it a flesh log. LAUGHTER That's already been taken. That's already been taken. LAUGHTER As you probably know, Food TV is big business these days. Modern cooking shows are beautifully shot, fast-paced, sexy and slick. Well, here's just one example. And... there you have it. A dip that... will satisfy a small group, and this will run you about 6 bucks, but when you figure that it will feed anywhere from three to six people, it will only cost you $1 or $2 per person, and I'm Steven Reid, and this was Weber Cooks. LAUGHTER 'Day 43. 'My captors have forced me to make a cooking show.' 'My captors have forced me to make a cooking show.' LAUGHTER I reckon if you merged him and John Campbell, you'd get a normal person. I reckon if you merged him and John Campbell, you'd get a normal person. LAUGHTER If you watch it again, the way his shirt's hanging, it looks like he's wearing no pants, and he's struggling to talk like someone under the desk is sexually pleasuring him. And... there you have it. A dip that... will satisfy a small group. will satisfy a small group. LAUGHTER And this will... run you about 6 bucks. And this will... run you about 6 bucks. LAUGHTER The director had some responsibility in that production. Like, what happened? He's, like, 'Did you think I did a good job?' The crew was like, 'Yeah, great. Let's pack everything up. 'By the way, you were staring at the wrong camera for the entire episode.' 'First time again, Steve. You've still got it! Let's get out of here.' It felt like he was telling me it would cost $1 to $2 a person cos he was gonna ask for that $1 to $2. He'd be, like, 'Those chips cost me $6. That's $2 each.' Old people get like that, though, Vaughan. My father like that. 'Well, I went, and I had a coffee. '$3.50.' '$3.50.' LAUGHTER 'I had a date scone. That was very nice. Dale and I enjoyed that. Uh, $4.' LAUGHTER 'We cut it in half, so it's about $2 each.' 'We cut it in half, so it's about $2 each.' LAUGHTER Has he been impoverished at some point in his life? No, I just think he's always been a tight-arse. Maybe your old man's rubbed off on you, because when was the last time you bought a new mobile phone? LAUGHTER You know, before the show started, we were in the green room and someone said he should. Jason says, 'My wife needed a supermarket item. I didn't know what brand.' They said, 'You should have just taken a photo of it.' And he goes, 'My phone can't take pictures.' Then he goes, 'What? And get the film developed? Then take it home? That doesn't make any sense.' What are you running there, Jason? The old Nokia 5110? Still got the Highlanders faceplate on the back? And that is it for our Topic of the Week. We'll be back soon with a breastfeeding kid who is way too old for it. See you soon on Best Bits. who is way too old for it. See you soon on Best Bits. APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Welcome back to Best Bits. It's time now for the best of the TV you don't get to see in our Best Bits from Around the World. As a parent, getting your kids to eat dinner can be a challenge. So you can see why some mums persevere so long with breastfeeding. But does it ever get weird as the child gets older? Let's find out. And you're 6. Have you always been a big fan of breastfeeding? And you're 6. Have you always been a big fan of breastfeeding? Yes. LAUGHTER OK, here's my rule. You're too old for breastfeeding if you have an opinion on breastfeeding. I was hoping he'd say, 'No, actually, I only took it up recently.' I didn't wean off breastfeeding till after high school. I used to get bullying for it growing up. But I've never broken a bone, so who's laughing now, prudes! They should never be at school. What if the female teacher's, like, 'It's lunchtime.' The kids are, like... Men actually produce breast milk too. We actually do produce` Men actually produce breast milk too. We actually do produce` That's not true. Not true. We produce breast milk. It's just very high potency. So you only need like a thimbleful of man milk, and that will... that will actually, um, nourish a normal healthy baby for a day. There was a guy in my school. I'm not saying it was milk, but he could lactate a teaspoonful of white fluid from the nipple. Thank you, Guy. Thank you, Guy. Well, what was his name, Guy? Let's make him famous. Do you wanna`? Would you like to be known as the lactating guy? Is it just one of those anonymous rooms where you just go in there, the changing sheds, and, 'Here he is. It's the Oracle.' and, 'Here he is. It's the Oracle.' LAUGHTER British dating show Take Me Out follows single people as they try to find true love. People say social media has had a negative effect on face-to-face conversations, but this show proves that flirtatious banter is still alive and well. And it's not just Kim who's chatting up the locals. I like how you speak. You have very good teeth. You have very good teeth. LAUGHTER To be fair to her, it can be hard to find something to compliment on a man who's come to the club wearing a Burger King T-shirt. As a man, the fastest way to my heart is to inspect me like a horse going to market, so... Here's your new boyfriend. His name's Guy. He's 14-hands tall. Here's your new boyfriend. His name's Guy. He's 14-hands tall. LAUGHTER Donna, we should find out more about this mystery man of yours. Did you meet him at a bar like this? (CHUCKLES) It was online. Was it? As long as it was online dating and not, like, Trade Me, you know? 'Place feedback. I love you.' > 'Place feedback. I love you.' > LAUGHTER To our next clip now, and if a TV show wants to film schoolchildren, they have to get parents' permission. There's probably not a lot that can go wrong, so long as your child doesn't reveal too much about what life is like at home. MAN: She loves playing at mums and dads. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Yes, later on they're going to play a game of pin the adultery on the drinking problem. She's probably got siblings. Mum and Dad are, like, 'Go play mums and dads with your sister.' 'I don't want to any more. She takes it too seriously.' It's not fun any more. I love the fact that she goes, 'I don't love you any more. I hate you. Bye. See you later.' And I feel sorry for Richard. I mean, that's a pretty hard thing for a 4 year old to take, frankly. She's also giving him false hope. She's, like, 'I hate you, but I'll see you later.' He goes down to the milk bar. 'She's sending me real mixed messages again, guys. 'I don't know where we're at with this relationship.' 'I don't know where we're at with this relationship.' Another milk, please. Double! Full cream! Make it blue top! And one kid's down at the milk bar, going, 'Mum, come over here. I want some more milk.' But kids can get you in the shit with the stuff they say. My daughter Jess was 5 years old, and I'd taken her down to Western Springs, which was a massive park packed with people, and she was on the swing, and I said it was time to go, and she had a tantrum, and she just wouldn't get off the swing. And I was going, 'Jess, you have to get off the swing.' And at the top of her lungs, in front of all the people there, she went, 'You're not my dad...!' Everyone just went boom. And I'm, like, 'No, seriously, I am her dad. I am her Dad. I swear to God.' As the host of a TV show, you've got to do whatever it takes to get those ratings up. That's why the host of Romanian TV show Bad But Good decided to climb a ladder in the middle of the studio with the help of two beautiful assistants. (SPEAKS ROMANIAN) (SPEAKS ROMANIAN) (SPEAKS ROMANIAN) (SPEAKS ROMANIAN) (SPEAKS ROMANIAN) (SPEAKS ROMANIAN) (SPEAKS ROMANIAN) AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS, LAUGHS I know it's bad luck to stand under a ladder, but it usually doesn't happen that fast. How many Romanians does it take to change a light bulb? More than three, obviously. You'd never be allowed to do that here. TVNZ have a good safety policy. Before you do anything, you've got to fill out a little form to talk about the risks. Something I learned on Seven Sharp. So if you went to talk to people on the street, you've got to write down, you know, um, potholes, might fall on a kerb. When` On your last day, did you fill out, 'Mike Hosking wants to get rid of me?' LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE Or`? Or did you not see that coming? Very good. Anything else? Very good. Anything else? < Well... Very good. Anything else? < Well... LAUGHTER Well, that's our show. My thanks to our panellists, to our studio audience and to you at home. Before we go, let's take a look at our Clip of the Week. Now, attending the movie Fifty Shades of Grey on your own might be considered embarrassing for a middle-aged man to do. That's why it's important not to walk into the background of a live news report, and if you do, just act natural. (SPEAKS DANISH) LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Yes, that man has just been humiliated. Fortunately for a Fifty Shades of Grey fan, being humiliated is actually kind of a turn-on. Thank you for watching this week. That is Best Bits. See you back here next Thursday at 9.30. Goodnight! Captions by John Ling. Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015