www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015 APPLAUSE, CHEERING Hello and welcome to Best Bits, the show with all the best, worst and weirdest TV moments you might have missed this week. I'm Jesse Mulligan, and on the panel with me are four funny people. So let's meet them. First up, from the ZM Breakfast Show, it's Vaughan Smith; First up, from the ZM Breakfast Show, it's Vaughan Smith; APPLAUSE, CHEERING award-winning actress Jodie Rimmer; award-winning actress Jodie Rimmer; APPLAUSE, CHEERING comedian and Billy T winner Rhys Mathewson; comedian and Billy T winner Rhys Mathewson; APPLAUSE, CHEERING and Hauraki DJ and comedy legend Jason Hoyte. APPLAUSE, CHEERING OK, let's get things started, and this week Prime Minister John Key finally put those memories of mincing down a catwalk behind him with an impressive demonstration of manly hammering (!) WOMAN: Team Key deploying in Northland, there to lend a helping hand to political newbie Mark Osbourne. there to lend a helping hand to political newbie Mark Osbourne. LAUGHTER Yes, there's only one thing looking hammered in that clip, and it's not the nail. It was terrible. He was all round that bloody nail. What he needs to do is go hire a hubby, and I've been in a situation` I'm not too proud to admit that I have hired a husband. I've got stuff... It's nothing to be ashamed of. I've got stuff that needs doing around my house. So I hired a hubby. This guy turned up. 'Gidday, I'm Peter from Hire a Hubby.' I said, 'Gidday. Come in.' So he sat on the couch, cracked open a beer and watched the fucking cricket all afternoon. I said, 'You can't sit there drinking beer all day. There's a deck to be finished.' He said, 'Stop nagging me.' He stormed out of the house. He came home from the pub all pissed, urinated all over the toilet seat, and he wanted to have sex with me. and he wanted to have sex with me. LAUGHTER But you know that John Key's wife is looking at that and thinking, 'Well, see now? 'Everyone knows that's just what he's like. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang...' I think he was trying to relate to that market of people that try to hit nails and miss? Um, 4-year-olds at kindy? And they probably feel really included in the government right now. Easter's coming up. Imagine if John Key had been in charge of Jesus. He'd have been there for the whole afternoon. He'd have been there for the whole afternoon. LAUGHTER Would have been an absolute bloody debacle. 'I'm never gonna get you on if you keep moving, Jesus. Hold... Can you hold that for me?' LAUGHTER Two weeks later ` 'I have no recollection of ever meeting Jesus.' You know Helen Clark would have had that nail in one. Right? I... I miss Auntie Helen. She would have burnt up that track in, like, an old Toyota Hilux sideways, and then just got out. 'Don't have all day.' Boom! The nail would have shot through, and she would have been, 'Never gonna win this anyway.' Honestly, Helen would have just looked at it, and the nails would have hidden in the wood. I've figured` I've figured out why John Key was really terrible at this. Cos he's National and that was technically Labour. Cos he's National and that was technically Labour. LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE All right, to our next clip now, and hosting a breakfast TV show day after day can be very challenging. The secret, as Rawdon Christie demonstrates in this clip, is to not to say anything really complicated until you've had your first mouthful of coffee. So, uh, let us know what you think about that. We'll also be trying to find out what, um, or letting you know what the, uh, the guy, you know, behind the whole Teina Pora` release Teina Pora deal things about this. Mm-hm. Right now, though, it is, uh, it is two minutes past 6 o'clock. Mm-hm. Right now, though, it is, uh, it is two minutes past 6 o'clock. LAUGHTER I have some more bad news, Rawdon. That's not coffee. It's where Peter Williams keeps his false teeth in. He was trying to talk to the dairy farmers who are awake at that hour. That's how farmers talk. 'Yeah, we're gonna, uh, gonna have a chat to that guy with the, uh, thing behind the... 'behind the thing with the... Teina Pora and the, uh... 'Oh, uh, I'll just have a... Yeah, righto.' That's how the farmers like their news. Nothing too specific. Just a sort of a approachable bloke. I-I just think he was... definitely hungover. I-I just think he was... definitely hungover. Do you? > Yeah, cos there was that moment in the middle where he looked up into space, where he had that Zen that can only be achieved by all of your body trying not to vomit on your co-host. Yeah, you, Rhys, strike me as someone who doesn't get up very early unless they have to. I don't know if I'm putting a stereotype, but I just see you as the kind of a lazy student type. No offence. Uh, joke's on you. I dropped out of university. Uh, joke's on you. I dropped out of university. LAUGHTER All right, well, it's time for our Best Bits Awards now, where we recognise this week's outstanding achievements in television. First up ` The Bird Whispering Award goes to the news reporter in our next clip. It's said that the eyes are the window to the soul, but this journalist might be overestimating our abilities to read the inner thoughts of a woodpecker. WOMAN: A hungry weasel clings to the back of a green woodpecker. Look closely at the bird's face. You can see the fear. LAUGHTER The woodpecker didn't look scared. Do you think the white they have around their eyes, did she think it was the white of the eyes? It could have been scared. Most of us haven't seen a range of emotions of a woodpecker before. You're not gonna look at that one photo and go, 'Oh, clearly he's petrified.' I know we're having a laugh right now, but have you ever had a weasel on your back? It's terrifying. Speaking from personal experience, something small, beautiful and graceful always looks that scared when it's being ridden by something feral and hairy. when it's being ridden by something feral and hairy. LAUGHTER They argue when they first saw it cos they couldn't see the face, if it was a weasel, a stoat or a ferret. But apparently you would weaselly recognise a weasel. Stoats look stoat-ically different. And it wasn't a ferret, because they have a 'ferret' flying. And it wasn't a ferret, because they have a 'ferret' flying. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Lead your own clap. I like to lead... I like to lead my own clap sometimes. The audience... The audience were clapping too, but it was a reluctant clap. Yeah, all right. I can see you need some work on that, mate. Didn't enjoy it. 'I see he thought about it. Well done. He's turned up.' OK, to our next award now ` The Don't Eat It All At Once Award. On The Zoo, they deal with some very dangerous animals. Imagine how hungry and angry a massive full-grown lion would be after a long-haul flight. Hopefully they've packed enough milk to quench his thirst. It is going to be quite a long flight for him. About four or five hours. The food's going to be enough to encourage him in. I'm confident we'll get him into the crate. LAUGHTER If the lion's hungry, he can press the flight attendant call button, then eat the flight attendant. To be fair, though, that is more room and food than I get on Jetstar. To be fair, though, that is more room and food than I get on Jetstar. LAUGHTER And more private. Like, that lion can lick his own privates, but when I do it, apparently I'm disrupting JQ527. but when I do it, apparently I'm disrupting JQ527. LAUGHTER I don't know what the qualifications are to work at a zoo. Do you think when you graduate, you get the ponytail? Do you think when you graduate, you get the ponytail? CHUCKLING Ponytails are popular in, yeah, certain professions: magician, guy works at a zoo, sex offender. OK, time for a break now on Best Bits. We'll be back soon for a look at lifestyle TV in our Topic of the Week. See you soon. for a look at lifestyle TV in our Topic of the Week. See you soon. APPLAUSE, CHEERING APPLAUSE, CHEERING Welcome back to Best Bits, where around this time we take a closer look at one particular aspect of TV. We call it our Topic of the Week. This week's topic is Lifestyle Television. When you're doing a reality lifestyle show, you'll often give the participants instructions to try and up the drama. In this clip, Jason from Married At First Sight has obviously been told to make his point by storming out of the room. You just wonder if he should have kept storming. Why we can't spend that Friday together? Why we can't spend that Friday together? Cos I want to go home. All right, you know what? Do what you gotta do, all right? LAUGHTER It's horrible when you have those massive arguments, you know? Because you never say what you want to say at that time, and then you're sitting in the wardrobe five minutes later, going, Damn it! I should have said that!' I think the way you win an argument with your wife is... or the way that she wins is when you can't think of anything to say back. So, you're, like... (MUTTERS) She comes back with quite a good comeback, and then there's silence, and the longer the silence goes, the more she's won. You're, like, 'I've got to think of something.' As we get older, that's when I'll start faking my heart attack. She'll say something, and I'll be, like, '(GASPS) Oh God. Oh, our last words are gonna be an argument.' She's, like, 'Sorry, I love you.' Like, 'Yes! You lose! I win argument!' That is evil! Do not do that! They said to him, 'Just leave the room. Make a big fuss.' He's gone out. He thinks the camera can't see him, and he's trying to get his elbow out. When you enter a room, you've got to plan your storm out. Do you? Well, I mean, it's harder and harder these days in the modern world. Storm out? It's all open-plan living. You've got no doors to slam. You try to hang up on someone on Skype. You're trying to find the cursor. It's really hard to get your point across. Remember when you try to slam one of those doors with one of those... (HISSES) easy-close on it? You're, like, 'Ugh...!' And then just keep storming. Or one of those doors where you've got to push a button to exit. You run up to it. You're, like, 'Gah! Where's the push button?!' Wait for it to beep. There we go! Or if it's a ranch slider, and you're trying to unlock it, and then it's locked at the top as well. Ugh! You must have done this before. You've had a massive argument, and you've run into the bloody garage and you got into the car, and you don't have your car keys. And they're still sitting on the bench, and you have to walk back in and go... Or you can just make noises really loud. (MAKES REVVING SOUNDS) And I know that you drive that shitty little Ford Fiesta, so it must be quite hard to storm off in that. (MAKES BEEPING SOUNDS) so it must be quite hard to storm off in that. (MAKES BEEPING SOUNDS) LAUGHTER What about storming off in a Prius, though? (CHUCKLES, MAKES HUMMING SOUNDS) They'd be, like, 'Did he leave?' They'd be, like, 'Did he leave?' LAUGHTER Now, when you're a host of a TV shopping network like Yes Shop, it's crucial for you to be enthusiastic about the products that you're selling, although in this clip, presenter Mike Puru may be letting himself enjoy this massage chair a little too much. Once again... gonna have to wake him up shortly. Once again, this is gonna be a fantastic chair for you, and we've got three gorgeous colours to choose from. > You've got your choice of beige in an executive chic, just like a high-end car. > We-Weirdly, I really want to have a go on one of those chairs now. But just definitely not that one. Maybe he was just ecstatic because someone was talking but it wasn't Jay-Jay or Dom. LAUGHTER Vaughan enjoying that one a little too much. All right. Luckily they cut away before it was the chair's turn. That's really good. I enjoyed that one. Don't let their lack of laughter make you feel bad. I really enjoyed that. Don't worry, Jesse. I've never let lack of laughter get in the way of my career. It was cute how he said career. It was cute how he said career. LAUGHTER Well, if that's how you feel about it. (STOMPS) LAUGHTER Guys, Rhys has stormed out. I think he's totally left the building. Guys, Rhys has stormed out. I think he's totally left the building. LAUGHTER To our next clip now, and if you're a TV presenter describing shower heads with a suggestive puns and a sexy voice, you should probably think about where you're sitting just in case the camera cuts back to you unexpectedly. WOMAN: The shower head is a pulsating type that can pound you awake in the morning or massage you to sleep at night. I've got a couple of things to do, so see you next week. I've got a couple of things to do, so see you next week. LAUGHTER Well, I really hope she manages to do both those things. Number one thing and number two thing. What is she sitting on there, Jess, though? Can we establish what the hell she's sitting on? Was it`? Was it a toilet? It's a tiny toilet if it's a toilet. I once had a toilet that wouldn't flush, and I panicked. So it was at the Comedy Club in Auckland, and the toilet just wasn't... I'd done it, and then I hadn't checked, so it wasn't flushing no matter what I did. I panicked, and I ran and got, like, a glass of water from the green room, and just kind of poured it on top to try and make it go away. It didn't. However the lemon that was in the jug... went in with it, and I didn't notice. So it looks like I'd gone, 'Well, that looks a bit rough. A bit of garnish.' that is it for our Topic of the Week. We're gonna be back soon with our Best Bits from around the world, including doggy yoga. See you soon on Best Bits. See you soon on Best Bits. APPLAUSE, CHEERING APPLAUSE, CHEERING Hello, welcome back, it's time now for the best of the TV you don't get to see in our Best Bits From Around The world. Now, when a celebrity is forced to apologise on television, you sometimes you find yourself questioning how sorry he really is. On the other hand, this Japanese politician does seem genuinely upset. WOMAN: This Japanese politician could not control his emotions at a press conference when faced with questions about his use of public funds. Aargh! (SOBS) Actually the main reason he's crying is that he's just been told 95% of NZers buy their sushi from a Frenchman named St Pierre. from a Frenchman named St Pierre. LAUGHTER I saw him on the news. He was in trouble for spending 30,000 taxpayer dollars on, uh, trips to hot springs and spas and stuff. Wow. > Wow. > So imagine how uptight he would have been before that $30,000. Yeah, I don't remember Len Brown being apologetic when everything was found out about his affair. He was mostly just, like, 'Yeah, I did it. 'I had a secret room and everything.' I think, you know, he had that sort of, uh, 4�-year-old mentality. You know, a kid when they're having a massive tantrum. They think, 'If I cry enough, I might just get away with this.' You know? I think this guy's amazing, I would quite like to pay him to apologise on my behalf. Oh, what a great idea. I think it'd be a real good way to get back at passive-aggressive flatmates. They leave a note, like, 'You didn't put the bins out.' And they come home from work, and that guy's just, like... (SOBS) It'd be amazing. All right, for me, one of the most interesting parts of traveling is experiencing the food of different cultures. This week, the FOX 17 morning news crew took the time to enjoy some traditional Australasian cuisine. This is toast with butter to help, uh, mellow it out a little bit and Vegemite. Rob is the first to try it. What do you think? What do you think? For a second there, it tasted like fish. Fish? Fish? It is a, uh... I-I will say this ` that our exchange student, Hannah, said that most Aussies get great amusement out of seeing Americans try it for the first time. Oh. Oh. < And that's why. Oh. < And that's why. That's bad, John. Yeah, like American food's so fucking delicious. Yeah, like American food's so fucking delicious. LAUGHTER Vegemite is the superior mite. Like, when there was the Marmite shortage, I was, like, 'Good.' But then it was bad because so many people got into Vegemite, that was harder to come by as well. I think you're on your own there. I think most people would say Marmite was the delicious one` ALL BOO ALL BOO No, no, I'm with you. I'm with Vegemite too. Really? Really? Yeah. I-I was put off Vegemite as a kid, because when I got sick, I used to go and stay with my granddad. And my granddad, as a special treat, used to make me hot Vegemite drinks, which was just, like, literally a spoonful of Vegemite with hot water boiled and poured on it. 'There you go, young fella. A treat for you. It'll make you feel better.' I used to vomit in my mouth a little bit. When we had Weet-Bix, he'd go, 'A couple of Weet-Bix for you. Get you growing healthy and strong.' But he wouldn't let you have milk and sugar. He just poured hot water on it. So I'd be there with my Weet-Bix and hot water and my hot Vegemite drink. Whoo-hoo! He was great, though, cos he used to have an intercom in his garage, and my nana would get on the intercom and go, 'Cup of tea, Brum. Cup of tea.' He'd put everything down and waddle off. Oh, that's nice they had an intercom. My grandparents would just go, 'Cup of tea...!' Did he ever throw the war in your face if you complained about Vegemite? Nah, he never talked about the war, Vaughan. It's hard to get old-timers to talk about the war. My grandfather never ever talks about it. It's almost as if it was a very traumatic experience. It's almost as if it was a very traumatic experience. LAUGHTER To Asian television now, and Cambodian kickboxing is a hardcore full-contact sport. But blindfolded Cambodian Kickboxing? Not so much. KHMER MUSIC PLAYS LAUGHTER It looked like John Key trying to hammer in that nail. It looked like John Key trying to hammer in that nail. LAUGHTER The amazing thing about that fight, though, actually is it lasted four days. The only reason that it stopped is that one of them accidentally knocked out the referee. I'd just to be swinging wildly, trying to hit whoever's playing the vuvuzela. And because of th-the horn blaring there, you can't hear the guy in the blue trunks going, 'Marco.' What's the Marco reference? What's the Marco reference? Marco Polo. Have you never played Marco Polo? AUDIENCE GROANS AUDIENCE GROANS What's Marco Polo? You hear that? Th-That is a room full of people judging you for a weird childhood. Never played Marco Polo? It's phenomenal. So you get in the pool, right? One of you closes your eyes. The person who's in has their eyes closed, and they have to try and find someone to tag by saying 'Marco'. Now, when the person says 'Marco', everyone else has to say 'Polo' unless they're underwater. Now, the most satisfying thing in the world is when someone's Marco and you dive-bomb into the pool. And you never experienced that as a child, and I weep for you. I tell you what, mate. It sounds pretty good, but I'm gonna stick with the missionary position. That is our show for another week. My thanks to the panellists, to our studio audience and you at home. Before we go, let's take a look at our clip of the week. Swedish cooking on TV sometimes struggles with credibility, mainly because of the famous Muppet Swedish Chef. But last week, Jenny from Nyhetsmorgon Show proved that she may be Swedish but she is certainly no Muppet in the kitchen. BOTH SPEAK SWEDISH (SPEAKS SWEDISH, CHUCKLES) (SPEAKS SWEDISH, CHUCKLES) SIZZLING (SPEAKS SWEDISH, CHUCKLES) SIZZLING (SPEAKS SWEDISH) (SPEAKS SWEDISH) (SPEAKS SWEDISH) BOTH SPEAK SWEDISH Yes, in case you couldn't understand the guy on the left, he was saying, 'Good morning. I'm Paul Henry, welcome to my latest failed international TV project.' Thank you! Goodnight! See you next week! Goodbye! Thank you! Goodnight! See you next week! Goodbye! CHEERING, APPLAUSE www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015