www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015 AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS Good evening, and welcome to Best Bits, the show with the funny stuff on TV you might have missed this week. I'm Jesse Mulligan. Let's meet tonight's panel! From ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Megan, it's Vaughan Smith! AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS Acting superstar and funny girl Shavaughn Ruakere! AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS 2014 Billy T winner Guy Montgomery. AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS And from Radio Hauraki's Bhuja Mix, it's Jason Hoyte. AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS Welcome to the show, and before we get to tonight's clips, there's only one big story in TV this week ` the removal of two judges from TV3's X Factor. In case you missed it, they got into trouble for saying this ` I am disgusted at how much you have copied my husband. The next day, they were fired and left the studio like this. And from now on, they'll be appearing in public dressed like this. AUDIENCE LAUGHS What did you make of it? What did you make of it? What a nightmare for these producers. How, at such late notice, are they going to find two other people that we've never even heard of filling in. What are you gonna do? We were so infuriated at bullying that we bullied the bullies out of a job. Like, we were, like, 'You can't say that! You can't accuse him of copying your husband.' 'I will kill you, Natalia. I will literally murder you, you bully!' And I like TV3, by the way. 'We have a zero-tolerance policy to belittling people who have less power than you do. 'By the way, the Paul Henry show starts in April.' 'By the way, the Paul Henry show starts in April.' LAUGHTER The good thing is they've got rid of them. This show can get back to its grassroots, get back to what it does ` give someone a number-one single for one week and then let them fade into obscurity. < SHAVAUGHN: Kia ora. AUDIENCE LAUGHS AUDIENCE LAUGHS What was the name of the woman who won last year? Rosita Vai. Rosita Vai. LAUGHTER Rosita Vai. LAUGHTER Rosita Vai was a few years ago. We were watching X Factor on Monday night, and Jackie, last year's winner, came on, my wife, as she often does watching these shows, like 'Who is that?' and I'm, like, 'That was last year's winner who you cried when she won the series.' If you cry for someone you don't forget them, like Musafa. I'll never forget him. Mufasa. (LAUGHS) Oh, I'm more of a face guy, not names. AUDIENCE LAUGHS Now everyone's talking about who's going to replace them. Someone suggested Ricky Martin today, and I was, like, 'That's a good idea. If you just dangle Stan Walker in front of him, 'I think he'd be there in a heartbeat.' 'I think he'd be there in a heartbeat.' LAUGHTER There's all this added pressure on Joe now. Like, I don't know if you even saw him sing, but he's not going to win. But we can't vote him off now because we've said, 'He's our golden boy. We love him so much. He can't sing. Let him win!' Cos now we'll be the bullies if we kick him off next week. What if Joe's in on this whole thing, and then he wins, and at the end, he rips off a mask, and it was Willy Moon all along? Whoa! AUDIENCE LAUGHS Now, this week on Home and Away, fan favourite Alf took part in what must be television's longest clip involving a man driving a blue lawnmower. Luckily, the conversation he had when he finally got there was well worth waiting for. SOFT GUITAR MUSIC Hey. I was just coming down to see you. No problems last night? I was just coming down to see you. No problems last night? No, not one. (CHUCKLES) I'm glad to hear it. (STARTS ENGINE) AUDIENCE LAUGHS Yes, she's all good now, but wait till she finds out Alf just mowed over her cat. 'You have any trouble last night?' 'No.' 'Glad to hear it. Well, I can't sit here and gasbag all day.' AUDIENCE LAUGHS AUDIENCE LAUGHS There's lawns to be mowed. Do you know? I reckon that even if she had had trouble, it would have been exactly the same scene. 'Actually, Alf, um, someone broke into my caravan and murdered my husband.' 'No time to gasbag, love. Glad to hear it.' (IMITATES LAWNMOWER ENGINE) (IMITATES LAWNMOWER ENGINE) I think what's happened there is that Alf's been on the show so long, they don't know what to do with him any more. He's going to be that guy that sits on his lawnmower all day and pottles around and goes, 'Stone the bloody crows!' 'Oh Christ, it's Alf. It's bloody Alf again. Just move on.' 'Just say hello.' 'Gidday, hello' Alf! Away you go, Alf. Thank you Alf.' He just does a loop of the set on the chance they're going to be shooting something. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Remember when Sally left? They were freaking out and they said, 'If we lose Sally, we cannot lose Alf.' So the very next day, he walks in there, demanded a massive pay rise, got it, and now he only has to work three days a week, and I reckon he said 'I just want to be on a lawnmower. I don't want to walk.' 'I'm also sick of walking.' The logic of that is that he's driven all the way from wherever he lives. He goes, 'You have any trouble last night?' 'No.' 'Glad to hear it, and more than that, I'm glad we've completely abolished cell phones in Summer Bay. 'Now, excuse me, I've got to drive 50 K's to get this goddam thing home. I'll be out of here!' 'We've lost him! Where's he gone?' 'I don't know. Follow the short grass!' LAUGHTER LAUGHTER All right, time for our Best Bits Awards now, where we recognise this week's outstanding achievements in television. Our first award is... The big story last week was the 1080 milk scare. The TVNZ newsroom was determined to be first one broadcasting from the scene, even if the only person round to operate the news camera was a passing drunk. Danielle, I think you've heard from Fonterra CEO Theo Spierings. Yes. They say that since they found out in November, they have done about 35,000 tests on all of their products and found no traces of the chemical anywhere. They have increased security and increased their safety standards. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Actually, the cameraman claims he didn't zoom in; the reporter's head just got very big all of a sudden. It's hard to know who to believe. I love that when that was breaking, we were filming last week's Best Bits, and before we started filming, Simon Dallow stuck his head in the dressing room. And he's massive. What? Is he 6'4"? He's a very tall individual. He's a very tall individual. Huge dude. He was, like, 'Don't fuck with me this week!' AUDIENCE LAUGHS And we were all, like, 'OK.' And he was, like, 'Where's Mulligan?!' And we were, like, 'I dunno.' (STAMMERS) 'I dunno. I don't know where he is. Please.' And straight away, we're bloody poking the bear. (CHUCKLES) It wasn't Simon's fault, cos Simon did a great job in that clip, as he always does. It represents an exciting new direction for ONE News. Whacky new angles. I saw that one, and they got Michael Bay in to guest direct an episode. It was really on the chin for Prime News as well. I don't know if you know this about Prime News, but they're, like, the one-stop shop. The reporter is the camera person. It's sad. And they've got this guy who's, like, 'Zoom in, zoom out. Change the thing.' It's like Prime News bought to you by the selfie stick. It's like Prime News bought to you by the selfie stick. LAUGHTER Is that like a pleasuring device? Is that like a pleasuring device? LAUGHTER It actually is. For modern-day teenagers, it is absolute self bloody... < Self pleasure. I think that extreme close-up news is quite nice, cos it's like someone leaning in to tell you a secret. Like, they've zoomed up on her face and she spoke a bit quieter. She's like,.. (WHISPERS) 'Well, Simon, I, um, shouldn't be saying, 'but I heard he wants to poison milk powder.' Then you feel like the news is gossip. You're listening more intently. Can I have a try of it? I'll start talking. Ask me a question like you're Simon Dallow. Ok. Jesse, you have been out there talking to people who love milk. What more can you tell us about the poisoning? Thank you, Simon. Yes, I've been talking to the` (WHISPERS) Jim Hickey left because of a sex scandal. ...to the people here at Fonterra, and they are... ...to the people here at Fonterra, and they are... AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS Jim Hickey didn't leave because of a sex scandal. That was the only thing I could come up with. The Who Wore It Better Award goes to ONE News weather lady Karen Olsen and Cyclone Pam, who probably should have chatted on the phone to work out who was wearing what to the weather this week. Karen joins us now with the very latest on the cyclone's progress. Karen, what have you got? Well, Bernie, Cyclone Pam is still on the easterly track towards us. And, by the way, ONE News, that is not how you spell Cyclone Map. LAUGHTER By the way, that weather girl, Karen, is an awesome person. Have you ever run into her in make-up? She's awesome. She's been round for, like, 25 years, and when I was doing Seven Sharp, I was in make-up with her, and I said, 'Gee, you've been round for ages, Karen. What's your secret?' And she says, 'I basically just, like, keep my head down, and everyone ignores me'. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Why do they give cyclones such ridiculous names all the time? I mean, they're these ferocious things that kill millions of people and create utter chaos, and it's Cyclone Pam, you know? I'm waiting for Cyclone Raul. Apparently, it goes man, woman, man, woman for cyclones. Yeah. Cyclone Raul sounds like the Lothario of the cyclones. He comes in. He's like, 'Nothing to worry about here. 'Just your average sexy cyclone.' (YELLS) Fucking everything! OK, it's time for a break now on Best Bits. We'll be back soon with a look at dangerous TV in our Topic of the Week. See you soon on Best Bits. 1 Hello. Welcome back to Best Bits, where each week at this time, we take a closer look at one particular aspect of TV. We call it our Topic of the Week. This week's topic is Dangerous TV. On The Price is Right this week, voiceover man George Gray showed us how to be a professional in the face of danger. No matter how badly you get hurt, just carry on like nothing happened. George, what do we have for our woman from Inglewood? They said it couldn't be done! It's an off-road motorcycle, a new range and a new treadmill! First, this Honda CRF 125FB Big Wheel off-road motorcycle... Shortly afterwards, that guy's personal injury lawyer turned up to play The Price is Right with the show's producers. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Total professional. Absolute pro. Absolute pro. So good. Like, imagine if he had been, like,... (STAMMERS, MUTTERS) Or he forgets to do his professional voiceover voice. He's, like,... (CASUALLY) 'First up, this Honda CR4.' (CHUCKLES) Or maybe he shattered a vertebrae, and they tried to help. 'Do not touch me. I'm in serious pain'. LAUGHTER I think I've actually reached the pinnacle of` speaking of voice work, when I became Cookie Bear. Did you? Did you? Yes, I was Cookie Bear for about two years, and I had to go and do a voiceover for Cookie Bear, and in the voiceover, I was waking up in the cave, and then I wander over and I see a thing of chocolate chippies. DEEPLY: 'Oh, chocolate chippies! Dumpty doooo!' But wait! But wait! I did this thing, and I woke up in the cave, and then I got a call back from my agent the next day, and they said, 'Jase, you've got to do the voiceover again.' I said, 'Why's that?' And she said, 'I don't know.' So I went into the studio and said, 'So, why do I have to do this voiceover again?' And they were looking really sheepish and embarrassed, and they said, 'Well, Jase, you know when you were being Cookie Bear and you were waking up in the cave?' And I said, 'Yeah.' And they went, 'Well,... 'it sounded a little bit like you were coming.' 'it sounded a little bit like you were coming.' LAUGHTER That's absolutely true. And it was` And it went like this. It went,... (YAWNS) (YAWNS LOUDLY) (ROARS) 'Dumpty doo!' LAUGHTER Now, with vicious magpie attacks on the rise in Australia, local outfit WIN News bought in a wildlife expert with a lot of bird expertise. If anything, a little too much expertise. Stay safe, keep alert and listen for that telltale warning. (HIGH-PITCHED SHRIEK) If you hear that, watch out. AUDIENCE LAUGHS He was so pleased with himself, wasn't he? He was so pleased with himself, wasn't he? Can you do any birds? I can do a fantail. Go. Go. You've got to lick your fingers. Go. You've got to lick your fingers. (SHUDDERS) (SQUEAKS) (SQUEAKS) Wow. That's great. That's really good. > That's really good. > Yeah, thank you. That's really good. > Yeah, thank you. What about you guys? You do a good tui. We were` You do a good tui. We were` Yeah, well, I want to do a fantail now. Just rubbing my moustache. (IMITATES TUI) 'Hey! Who's this guy? Is that a tui in the studio?' (LAUGHS) What have you got there, Jason? Fuck all, to be honest. Fuck all, to be honest. Just do Cookie Bear again. Fuck all, to be honest. Just do Cookie Bear again. Dumpty Doo! AUDIENCE APPLAUDS Bring back the Haast's eagle. That's what I say. Bring back the Haast's eagle. That's what I say. That's my favourite extinct NZ bird. The Haast's eagle, I think it, you know` I dunno. I'm going to sound treacherous here, but it's an atrocity that the kiwi is our national bird when we had the Haast's eagle and the moa roaming around. What was the Haast's eagle? > What was the Haast's eagle? > It was the biggest bird on record. It lived off moa. If it was alive now, it would be a real threat to children. The kiwi is the Karen Olsen of the bird world and kept it's head down, out of the way, didn't make a fuss, and it's done the long haul. The Haast's eagle was all, like, 'Jesse Mulligan. Look at me. I'm on Seven Sharp.' And then the Mike Hosking Maori hunter comes along... (IMITATES GUNSHOT) It's amazing. That can be segued into the show almost every week. It's amazing. That can be segued into the show almost every week. LAUGHTER To our next clip now, and Alaskan Bush People is a show that follows adventurer Billy Brown and his family of seven as they live their remote life. They're rightly proud of their achievements, but they may have overestimated one family member's abilities as an inventor. He can take something that most people would think was just worthless and make something very useful out of it. My arm radio. I took the radio attached on to a plastic water bottle and attached on the antennae to the side so it can go up. And now... and attached on the antennae to the side so it can go up. And now... RADIO PLAYS AUDIENCE LAUGHS Eh? Who needs an iPhone? Who needs an iPhone? AUDIENCE LAUGHS Who needs an iPhone? AUDIENCE LAUGHS Or sex with a woman? LAUGHTER What I don't get about that is that he got a perfectly good radio and then made a really shit radio. I mean, that's not inventing. His dad's wandering round the house going, 'Where's my fucking radio?!' That's a pretty good invention. Did you ever do any inventing when you were young? You know those electric carving knives? We got a new one, so Mum let me have the old one, and I tried to make it into a motor for this wooden boat I had. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) Yeah, you're right ` electricity and water don't mix. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) Where was your advice 20 years ago? I got electrocuted so bad, cos it was plugged into the wall and went into water. My fingers got burnt together, and I was getting electrocuted, and I remember reaching for the switch, and cos your muscles are all... You're, like, fighting it. (YELLS) And I flicked it, and yet it melted my fingers together. And I went into Mum and was, like, 'I've melted my fingers together.' And she was, like, 'Get me the electric knife!' And she was, like, 'Get me the electric knife!' LAUGHTER That's it for our Topic of the Week. We'll be back with our Best Bits from around the world, including a news microphone that looks a lot like a lamp. See you soon on Best Bits. 1 Hey, welcome back. It's time now for the best of the TV you don't get to see in our... No, there's no question that the rise of illegal narcotic use in the USA is deeply concerning. In this clip, Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson has some surprising things to say about where drugs come from. Cocaine is a product of a vegetable. Alcohol is a product of a vegetable. Marijuana is a vegetable. And yet people are enslaved to vegetables. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER The person hosting that show? A wegetable. It's nice to see where Elmer Fudd wound up. LAUGHTER If drugs were vegetables, it would make your 5+ A Day easier to get before lunchtime. Your wake and bake, drop an E just after breakfast, start drinking vodka about 10 and then a couple of lines of cocaine, and then in the afternoon you can just eat junk food, which you would probably feel like doing. You could have a slogan. 'The food pyramid begins with P'. 'I'm jonesing for some carrots! 'Is this broccoli doing anything for you? I feel the same!' LAUGHTER LAUGHTER 'No, mate. Too much beetroot. Too much beetroot!' LAUGHTER Well, this week, a politician in Poland had a very important announcement to make. Sadly, it was somewhat undermined by his decision to speak not into a microphone but into a lamp. AUDIENCE LAUGHS (SPEAKS POLISH) He then proceeded to tell a very spooky story. LAUGHTER You can imagine him getting home and his wife going, 'How was the speech?' 'Terrible. 'Absolutely terrible. I couldn't see my script. I had a massive splitting headache, and I don't think anyone could hear what I was saying.' LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Can we see a bit of that` the start of that clip again? Thank you. Oh, I thought it was polish TV. I thought there was an entire network dedicated to Pledge and stuff. Don't you think polishing's gone out of favour? I feel, like, in the '80s, all my mum did was polish. My parents had a set of silverware. I've never seen it used. Ever. It gets cleaned twice a year. Like, who are we waiting for? The Queen or something? And you probably couldn't eat off it because it's had so much poisonous silver polish on it. Just, like,... 'This is actually quite a delicious...' 'This is actually quite a delicious...' (LAUGHS) So, even when you brought your wife down to Morrinsville for the first time, the woman you were about to marry and have children with, you brought her in, and they looked at the cutlery drawer, and they were like,... 'Nah.' LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Now, like the children we are here at Best Bits, we got pretty giggly and excited when New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady started talking about balls recently. Like Tom says, it just depends what sort of balls you're into. Everybody has a preference. Some guys like 'em round, and some guys like 'em thin. Some guys like 'em tacky. Some guys like 'em brand new. Some guy like old balls. I mean, they're all different. I tell you what ` for those of us with tacky balls, it's a relief to hear an expert confirm that some people are in to them. LAUGHTER The sponsorship in the background was the Gillette Flexball. Is that a special razor for shaving balls? Wouldn't that be good? That would be great. That would be great. Is there such a thing? Would you use it? I would use it. It's a` It's a` It's a very... Whoo! You've got to be careful down there when you're shaving with... Feel free. Any men in the audience nicked the scrotum while maintaining? It bleeds, and it just continues to bleed. It's like your scrotum is a haemophiliac. What are you doing shaving your testicles, mate? What are you doing shaving your testicles, mate? I like the feel. Just cos I'm married, it doesn't mean` just cos I've bought the house, it doesn't mean I've stopped mowing the lawn. Old porcelain nuts Smith over here, peddling his shorn-ball propaganda. Old porcelain nuts Smith over here, peddling his shorn-ball propaganda. LAUGHTER I'm genuinely alarmed that I don't man-scape, cos I feel like I'm missing out again. Is that on the interweb? Is that on the interweb? LAUGHTER I'll fax you tomorrow on how to do it. How do you feel about the lady-scape? Ooooooh. Well,... Well,... GUY: Be careful. Be careful. I like it to be lady-scaped, but not in any pattern or anything. LAUGHTER (LAUGHS) And that's just about our show for another week. My thanks to the panellists, to our studio audience and to you at home. Before we go, let's take a look at our Clip of the Week. Now, eyewitness traffic reports have been common in the US for decades. But in this clip Traffic Jam Jimmy from Fox45 Baltimore shows that even a traffic reporter sometimes needs a break. Let's start off with our Traffic Jam Jimmy. He's out, and he's been everywhere from Pennsylvania now down through Dawson. Hi, Jimmy. What's the latest? WOMAN: Hello. Please move forward to the next speaker. Hey, is it too early to get a fish sandwich? Oh, next speaker. Hang on. Oh, Candice, are we live? Whoops. Hey, I've been in the car since 4 o'clock. I'm starving. I'm just getting something real quick. Hey, is it too early to get a fish sandwich? I told you we were coming to you. All right. Sad, isn't it? Another guy on TV ripping off Willy Moon's look. And that is our show. Thank you! Goodnight! See you next week on Best Bits live! Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015