Captions by June Yeow. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015 CHEERING, APPLAUSE Hello, and welcome to Best Bits, the show with all the funniest stuff from this week's TV. I'm Jesse Mulligan. Let's meet tonight's panel. First up, from the Fletch, Vaughan and Megan radio show, it's Vaughan Smith! CHEERING, APPLAUSE Comedian and improviser Donna Brookbanks! Comedian and improviser Donna Brookbanks! CHEERING, APPLAUSE From the UK, star of last year's Kiwi Comedy festival, James Acaster! From the UK, star of last year's Kiwi Comedy festival, James Acaster! CHEERING, APPLAUSE And direct from Australia, it's comedian Harley Breen! And direct from Australia, it's comedian Harley Breen! CHEERING, APPLAUSE Welcome to the show, team. Now, the Blackcaps booked their spot in the World Cup final this week. If you smashed a record-breaking 237 not-out to help them get there, how would you celebrate? Well, Martin Guptill spent most of his night being led around by a small man. Mr Rajish Pultarney, General Manager of Reliance Communications. And once you've collected the award, Martin, if you'd come to me, please? One second, sir. I'd like to talk to Martin. I'm sure we'd like to hear from Martin Guptill. For future reference, handshakes are supposed to be stationary. If you take more than two steps, you're just holding hands. It's quite common for men to hold hands in India, so that could have been the cultural thing there ` 'Well, we're mates now, so let's hold hands, and I'll walk you over to this section over here.' Nothing sexual about it. > Nothing sexual about it. > No, just hanging out, holding hands. I went to India, and I tried to bring it back to Australia. It didn't go well. LAUGHTER It's a fun little game that that guy's playing. He's not an idiot; he knows what he's doing. You shake someone's hand, and then you see how long you can hold on. It's funny. It's for a laugh. I used to do it. I do it now more advanced now. I do it with high fives and just try and stay on for as long as I can for however far they walk. LAUGHTER It's on a dare, and the actual guy who's meant to be doing it is out the back is going,... (MUMBLES) LAUGHTER To our next clip now, The Bachelor, the amazing Bachelor. We waited so long for this show here at Best Bits, and the early episodes did not disappoint. So, where to begin? Well, we let's start with audience favourite Poppy, who knows that when you're competing with 21 girls for the attention of your perfect man, it's important to relax and be yourself. Oh, this is beautiful! Pohutukawa trees are probably my favourite trees. Pohutukawa trees are probably my favourite trees. Yeah? Yeah. This is pretty magical. (FARTS) (SNORTS WITH LAUGHTER) Did you just fart? LAUGHTER Yes, they say love is blind, but unfortunately it does have ears and a nose. LAUGHTER I'd have farted too. That was a terrible pick up line, 'Pohutukawas are my favourite tree,' And she was,... (IMITATES FART) Next!' Like... Boring opening line to a date. Maybe that's her next button. Like, 'Bored! (IMITATES FART) Next!' Like, 'Bored! (IMITATES FART) Next!' LAUGHTER It's probably because she's getting on a bit in age, cos women actually fart a lot more than men the older they get. Yeah, it's a fact, cos I looked it up in a book I wrote, cos they spend most of their early life holding it in, and when they get older they can't hold it in. So let it out, is all I'm saying. Do you know in the nearly 11 years I've been with my wife, I've never heard her fart once. And I've` This is probably a bit too much information... I've never known her to go poos either! LAUGHTER It's almost got to the point where I hunt it now. Like, she goes to the bathroom... I'm, like` She doesn't say, 'I'm going to the bathroom,' she just goes, and you'd be, like,... (SNIFFS) (SNIFFS) 'Not this time!' But I don't know if she even does. She might be a plant. She might be a plant. When you're not around. I mean, basically the whole time you're doing this show, all she's doing is shitting. LAUGHTER Vulnerability, it seems, in a reality TV show is a good thing. The same thing in The Bachelor ` people have been going for people who are self-deprecating, not quite so flashy, not massive gym-goers. LAUGHTER As a side note... Not gym-goers is a lovely way of calling someone fat! 'How do I describe her? She was a non-gym-goer!' LAUGHTER What I mean is some of them are pretty obsessed ` superficially obsessed. Most Kiwi girls, I think, are backing the ones who have more personality, a little more to them. Another great way of saying 'possibly a bit fat ` she's got a great personality.' 'What does she look like?' 'Ooh, she's lovely to talk to.' 'What does she look like?' 'Ooh, she's lovely to talk to.' LAUGHTER Hey, Donna, what have you made of The Bachelor so far? Hey, Donna, what have you made of The Bachelor so far? Um... First of all, do you wish you were one of the lucky ladies vying for this man's attention? From what I understand he's got a great body. Seems like he has an OK personality? Have you seen his foot? Have you seen his foot? No. > Not perfect. Not perfect. Really? > Not perfect. Really? > LAUGHTER If you see the billboard for The Bachelor or the ads where he's lying, like, 'check out my abs', follow the trail to his ugly foot. It gets to the bottom, to the ankle, and it has a lump. Like, a long lump. A lumpy foot? Yeah! > Yeah! > That's your main complaint? Yeah! > That's your main complaint? LAUGHTER I had to go quite far down the body to have it, but, yes, I'm happy I did. Probably keeps his socks on during anything... raunchy. LAUGHTER At some point, though, fourth date, fifth date, you're going to have to get those little toes out, aren't you? Do you think? I've never had a girl go, 'Why don't you lose those socks? 'Why don't you peel those socks off, and we'll really ramp things up a notch?' Fourth date time ` you know what that means ` 'this little piggy...' Fourth date time ` you know what that means ` 'this little piggy...' LAUGHTER OK, we move to Home and Away now, which continues to draw huge audiences to TV2 each day at 5.30. This week on the Aussie soap, we learnt that when you finally find out the girl you love feels the same way, you should say something romantic to seal the deal. Honestly, hearing that is all I've ever wanted. But how do I know your feelings are real or if it's just the cancer talking? LAUGHTER Yes, nothing gets a girl in the mood like being told she's a terminally ill liar. LAUGHTER Also if he was saying 'cancer talking', you're in a lot of trouble. If your cancer is that big and starting to talk, you should get to a doctor really quickly. LAUGHTER I've never heard the expression 'it might just be the cancer talking'. Is that a thing over here? Are you just going around going, 'Oh it might just be the cancer talking, 'but I want a Coca-Cola.' LAUGHTER If this was a NZ show, this is what would have happened, if you can play it again. Honestly, hearting that is all I've ever wanted. But how do I know your feelings are real or if it's just the cancer talking? or if it's just the cancer talking? IMITATES FART LAUGHTER That was so worth it. I'd like to vote that Vaughan does that for all the clips, please? I'd like to vote that Vaughan does that for all the clips, please? LAUGHTER Time for our Best Bits awards now, where we recognise this week's outstanding achievements in television. First up, the Best Editing award goes to Sky Sport show Random Rugby. You know, sometimes fluff pieces on All Blacks aren't all that exciting. Watch as the poor person trying to edit this little clip was forced to liven up a simple game of ping pong with some exotic wildlife footage. WOMAN: On the table. LAUGHTER Well, to be fair it is ping pong. The only time it gets interesting is when you see it played in Thailand. LAUGHTER Did you see that man appear from nowhere in the background? You watch it again. There's a guy who's not there, and then he's comfortably in a chair like he's been there forever. No man, no man, no man,... WOMAN: On the table. Man! LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Wow. The mystery of the snake. Do you know what, I bet if they were watching this, they zoom in and say 'That's Joe. 'He's been dead for 10 years.' It's not a true story. You looked particularly freaked out! Jesse's, like, 'Then what happened?!' Jesse's, like, 'Then what happened?!' LAUGHTER Maybe he was just like Sharapova, but he was whispering. Scale down the court, and you've got to scale down the noise as well. So the tennis court gets so much smaller, and the noise has to follow. So it goes from... '(SCREAMS)' ah, boom, back court to '(SQUEAKS, HISSES) And they take a break and eat a tiny banana. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Under a flannel. LAUGHTER Under a flannel. LAUGHTER All right, it's time for a break now on Best Bits. We'll be back with a look at infomercials in our Topic of the Week. See you soon on Best Bits. CHEERING, APPLAUSE 1 Hey, there, welcome back to Best Bits, where each week around this time, we take a closer look at one particular aspect of TV. We call it our Topic of the Week. This week's topic is 'infomercials'. Now, there are lots of self-help products out there promising to build up your confidence. But if you think buying this CD is the answer to your problems, well, I'm afraid it's probably too late for you. Narrator: Next time you're feeling down or you're just wanting to hear some encouraging words, well there's a solution! CD: You can have what you want. You can do it. The finish line is closer than you think. The Cheers To You CD is eight tracks filled with encouragement and cheering applause. CD: We're on your side. We're here for you! We believe in you! LAUGHTER I already feel better about myself, simply by not being the guy in that commercial. Imagine if he` he finally get a girl home to his house, right, gonna put on some music... 'You're nearly at the finish line! Yes! You can do it!' That's always a tricky thing, when I was a single man and I'd take a young lady home, you sort of had your go-to CD, like Smooth Chocolate or whatever it's called, and then... LAUGHTER It was a CD of music for white people that was mostly black singers, and they called it Smooth Chocolate, and you'd hear the CD change, and you'd have to jump out of bed and hit it before it changed to the Beach Boys or whatever you enjoyed listening to! # Round, round, get around. I get around. # Not sexy at all. You seem to have got your embarrassing music confused there. Beach Boys are one of the greatest recording artists of all time. Smooth Chocolate doesn't impress anyone. It's clearly American production as well, by the accent and the 'Cheers to You', cos if it was Australian, it would just be called 'You're a Fuckwit.' cos if it was Australian, it would just be called 'You're a Fuckwit.' CHEERING, APPLAUSE We've all heard about Botox, the miracle substance that rich people inject into their face. You might not know this, but Botox can also help people with bladder problems, but there are just a couple of side effects. Ask your urologist if Botox can help calm your bladder and reduce your daily leakage episodes. The effects of Botox may spread hours to weeks after injection, causing serious symptoms. Alert your doctor right away, as difficulty swallowing, speaking, breathing, eye problems, loss of bladder control and muscle weakness can be a sign of a life-threatening condition. Don't take Botox if you can't empty your bladder or can't or won't self-catheterise if needed or have a urinary tract infection or UTI. Side effects may include allergic reactions, injection site pain, fatigue, UTI, painful urination and difficulty emptying your bladder. painful urination and difficulty emptying your bladder. LAUGHTER It said 'don't do this if you can't or won't self-catheterise.' Which is to put your own catheter in. 'Oh, I don't know if I can't do that.' Try jamming a McDonalds drinks straw up your piddle hole... and that's if you can self-catheterise or not. I love that there is somebody out there that can, but says, 'Yeah, I can, but I won't.' LAUGHTER On the bright side, you'd be catching up with old friends. They'd be saying 'Jeez, Vaughan, your bladder's looking young.' They'd be saying 'Jeez, Vaughan, your bladder's looking young.' LAUGHTER Now, testimonials from real people are a huge part of advertorial TV. It can really bring your product to life. You've just got to make sure you cast someone confident and convincing. So, Jen, why don't we take a look at what some regular users of Puraz 100% collagen have to say... DREAMILY: Puraz, since I've been taking it, it seems to` my skin seems to have a lot more moisture in the rough bits. LAUGHTER Was she sitting in front of a hedge of marijuana plants? LAUGHTER She's, like` They're, like, 'Can we, um... (KNOCKS ON TABLE) 'Hello. Hi. Now, you bought some of our products. 'Could we whip in and film a little testimonial?' 'Uh... sure.' 'Could we whip in and film a little testimonial?' 'Uh... sure.' LAUGHTER Interesting side note, Moisture in my Rough Bits is going to be the title of my autobiography. LAUGHTER That's what she said, eh? 'An increase in moisture in my rough bits'. You'd think the producers could have helped her out with some terminology. What if her rough bits aren't the same as everyone else's rough bits? You don't want to find out the hard way that you're the only one with a rough belly button. I find that if you go in deep enough with your finger, you can find a rough bit. < Yeah? Look at that. There's no ending to it. Sometimes I just sit at home and just... just feel something... Never before have I felt so much that I've got the best seat in the house (!) LAUGHTER This has been great. This has been great. Harley,... > while we're on the topic of your body, someone told me you had an interesting tattoo on your leg. This one? That says 'Do not write below this line', and that says, 'Do what I want'. LAUGHTER Heaps of fun. I love it that Harley sees something written down, and he's, like, 'That would make a great tattoo!' Something scrawled on a wall. I, uh,... do drink a lot. LAUGHTER To our next clip now, and the art of selling expensive gimmicks to golfers is as old as the sport itself. Some inventions help solve a golfer's problems, while others just makes things more complicated. How many times has this happened to you? Come on, you know you can't hold it in that long! Introducing the Uro club, the discreet sanitary solution for urgent relief. It looks like an ordinary golf club, but it contains a special reservoir built into the grip to relieve yourself. The Uro grip comes with a special towel for privacy, and it appears to everyone that your just checking out your club! LAUGHTER I actually used to be that guy's caddy. Worst job ever. I thoughts the product was disgusting and vile. Until he had that little towel, and then I was, like, 'It's got a little towel now. It's dainty.' And as an older gentleman, it would be very hard to get your penis into the club and get the towel over without anyone seeing. It would be a tricky manoeuvre, wouldn't it? Especially if the Viagra hadn't worn off. It's not as inconspicuous as it seems, if at the end of the advert, if it pulls out, you see he's not even at the golf course; he's at a volleyball tournament. LAUGHTER Now, if you come up with an invention to solve a problem that doesn't really exist, your best hope is to try and boost sales with cleavage shots and a sexy product name. Does the shoulder strap of your car cut into your shoulder? Is your shoulder strap too tight and annoying? Introducing the Tiddy bear ` the cute little guy that eliminates all those problems! Yes, if you like that you're going to really love the Nipple Me Elmo. Yes, if you like that you're going to really love the Nipple Me Elmo. LAUGHTER If you call it Tiddy Bear, but if you say it like a black American guy, 'Teddy Bear' ` it still sounds like 'Tiddy Bear'. it still sounds like 'Tiddy Bear'. You get all the benefits without having to put a rude word in. Tiddy Bear! Tiddy Bear! LAUGHTER People really enjoyed hearing you talk like that, Donna. Well maybe I'll keep talking like that. Shiiii... Well maybe I'll keep talking like that. Shiiii... Shiiii... I'd say you're about two sentences away from a scandal. I'd say you're about two sentences away from a scandal. LAUGHTER And that is it for our Topic of the Week. we'll be back soon with a terrifying rooster with our Best Bits from Around the World. See you soon on Best Bits. 1 Hey there. Welcome back. It's time now for the best of the TV you don't get to see in our Best Bits from Around the World. Married at First Sight is a show about people who tied the knot early in their relationships. Turns out one of the secrets to sticking together is putting a high value on romance. Tell me about what your happiest memory of the last two weeks has been. This is probably inappropriate, but Vaughan holding my hand while I peed between two cars last week. We had a moment. And then he passed me a golf club. I assume she needed her hand held cos she was scared, and then I went, 'Oh, is that why girls always go together to the toilet? Like, you hold hands?' Cos other than that, I've never had a reason ever that I've needed my hand held while I was doing wee. There was one time on the edge of a cliff. It was a bit dangerous. I think maybe it's an American thing, cos you imagine if it was a Kiwi girl needing a pee, she wouldn't need her hand held; she'd be too busy trying to write her name in the dirt. This week on The Bachelor ` 'I love you so much I'll write your name in piss in the dirt in the car park. (IMITATES FART) (IMITATES FART) LAUGHTER I don't even know which one of you that was, but thank you. Working with animals can be unpredictable. This Australian reporter shows that no matter what happens, you gotta be professional and keep your cool. Big, black Australop Cockerill. One of 500 birds that are being judged today at the show. Um... (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) LAUGHTER And if you're planning on checking Google for the video of the man with the large black Cockerill, be careful how you phrase your search. He was right to be afraid. That's actually an Australian chicken, and it could have killed him with its venom. LAUGHTER More than any clip that we've seen on this show, that is the one I could watch forever. Also, what I like about him is that you can clearly tell that he had spent all of his time before the take rehearsing how to say the word 'Australop', so all that was in his head was 'Australop. Get Australop right.' The last thing he expected was for the chicken to attack him. The last thing he expected was for the chicken to attack him. LAUGHTER I reckon he was going for the ratings and just... (POPS LIPS) right up there. Just gave it a little... (SCREAMS) Now, competitive cooking shows can be brutal. If you wanna win a cooking show, you gotta make sure you listen when the presenter gives you instructions, not just zone out and talk about your day. What I need you to do is, I need you to listen to me. I feel like I'm not reaching you yet, you know what I'm saying? I had a good time in the kitchen. I love cooking. LAUGHTER The way he looks down at the end, like` he's, like, 'I did it again!' I think it's pretty obvious that that wasn't his response to that question. The editors have absolutely screwed him over royally there. They've seen an opportunity to just go, 'Right, we'll take his serious answer that he gave, 'get rid of that. Then he said something about listening, 'let's put in a totally different one, and we'll go viral.' They know what they're doing. That didn't happen. It didn't. He went, 'OK, I'll take that criticism on board, 'and I don't want to let you down in the next cooking challenge. 'I'm going to try really hard, and I'm really going to prove myself, 'but thanks for your feedback. I really appreciate it.' He went home thinking 'I came across really mature today.' LAUGHTER 'I'm really glad about that, actually. I've been letting myself down in recent weeks. 'I'm actually going to watch this episode as it airs. 'I don't usually watch it when it airs. I'm going to watch it and feel really good about myself. 'I'm going to phone my family up and get them to come round.' 'I'm going to phone my family up and get them to come round.' LAUGHTER And that's just about our show for another week. Thanks to the panellists, our studio audience and to you at home. Before we go, let's take a look at our clip of the week. Yes, and when you're demonstrating the size of the widescreen TV you are selling, it's a good idea to double check what channel you're tuned into. (SPEAKS GERMAN) (SPEAKS GERMAN) BOTH SPEAK GERMAN LAUGHTER Thank you for watching. See you next week on Best Bits. Goodnight! CHEERING, APPLAUSE Copyright Able 2015