UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC Captions by Ingrid Lauder. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015 AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD Welcome to Best Bits, the show with all the funniest stuff on this week's TV. I'm Jesse Mulligan. Let's meet tonight's panel. Sitting next to me from the Fletch, Vaughan & Megan radio show, it's Vaughan Smith. Sitting next to him, the star of the upcoming series When We Go To War, it's Shavaughn Ruakere. We have award-winning comedian Rhys Mathewson. We have award-winning comedian Rhys Mathewson. AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD And from Radio Hauraki's Bhuja Mix, it's Jason Hoyte. And from Radio Hauraki's Bhuja Mix, it's Jason Hoyte. AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD To our first clip, and we start with Saturday's by-election in Northland, which, as you may know, was won comprehensively by Winston Peters. As the election got closer and his chances got slimmer, National party candidate Mark Osborne adopted a new technique ` if you don't know the answer to a question, just stand there quietly and hope nobody notices. PADDY GOWER: Mark Osborne lost for words over National's Northland 'bridge bribe', unable to name all the bridges. Uh, I don't have all 10 in the back of my mind, no. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Yes, the first rule of politics ` if things aren't going well for you on video, pretend to be a photo instead. Or say, 'I don't know what they're called on a map, but I know what the locals call 'em ` 'Old, uh, Steveo's Bridge; oh, the Bridge Down by Carl's Place.' Tahi, Rua, Toru, Wha, Rima, Onu, Whitu, Waru, Iwa and Teko. Iwa and Teko. Oh, kia ora, bub. He's a National MP. There is no chance he knows that much Maori. He's a National MP. There is no chance he knows that much Maori. AUDIENCE LAUGH Fair point. Fair point. Luckily, when push came to shove, the candidate revealed that although he didn't know the names of the bridges, there was a very good reason for it. Well, I can't name all of them, because they have different names. Yes, it's the same reason Mark Osborne has named all four of his children Mark Osborne. I love the fact that he got beaten by Winston Peters. Do you? > Do you? > I think Winston Peters is the greatest politician NZ has ever seen, hands down. I don't agree with his views at all, but he's so good at politics that his eyes have started retreating into his own face to make him more unflappable. to make him more unflappable. LAUGHTER To The Bachelor NZ now, which shows that when your job is to wine and dine 21 different girls, coming up with creative date ideas can get harder and harder. Maybe that's why this week, bachelor Art Green set up what can only be described as a pretty crappy picnic. I've actually made us a picnic. Have you? Have you? Yeah. Have you? Yeah. Where? Down there on that little landing. Down there on that little landing. (LAUGHS) Oh my God! This is just getting better and better. LAUGHTER Yes, the soothing sounds of traffic noise set amongst the romance of Auckland's number-one suicide location. LAUGHTER I saw that episode. They had walked across the Auckland Harbour Bridge, hadn't they? Or as Mark Osborne calls it... LAUGHTER It did look like a trap. It looked like` LAUGHTER It looked like some bad guys were trying to kidnap Yogi Bear. It looked like some bad guys were trying to kidnap Yogi Bear. LAUGHTER And also, like, when is a picnic that great food-wise? You know what I mean? Like, on other dates, they'd be, like` That's what I worry about on dates ` the food. Other dates would be romantic and, like, 'Ooh, a nice Italian restaurant.' All she's getting is a ham sandwich and maybe a Le Snack. I actually saw it, and it was a really shit-looking picnic. They had, like, one croissant and some grapes. They had, like, one croissant and some grapes. LAUGHTER Matilda, the woman in that clip, is the favourite at the moment. People are thinking she might be who wins his heart. I can see that. I watched that. I thought they were a good match. I was getting into it. And she's one of the few ones without a criminal conviction as well ` a big plus. And she works for Mediaworks, so I think if she wins, she just gets to keep her job. My favourite bit about that clip is her reaction to seeing the date. Like, it's just how low are Kiwi girls' expectations for a date? SHAVAUGHN: Yeah. They're pretty low. SHAVAUGHN: Yeah. They're pretty low. 'What, it's the daytime? Fuck, he's the one!' I` They are low, and I know it's different these days with Tinder and the like, but I've never been on a date. Like, not really, not a first date. but I've never been on a date. Like, not really, not a first date. That's terrible. That's cos the Kiwi way is ` ladies, am I right ` like, you get drunk, you hook up, and then you're going out with him. like, you get drunk, you hook up, and then you're going out with him. Right. > Yeah?! Yeah?! WOMEN: Yes! Yeah?! WOMEN: Yes! Thank you! Yeah! So romantic (!) So you think she's looking at that wicker basket going, 'I guess that's where the RTDs are.' I've only ever asked one girl out on a date, and she was this utterly mesmerising Irish girl, and I was obsessed with her, and I went, 'Right, come on, Hoyte. This is the time.' I went up to her. She worked behind the bar. I said, 'I was wondering what you were doing Saturday night? And she said 'Saturday night? Uh,... nothing that I can think of. Why do you ask?' I said, 'Oh, I was wondering if maybe you'd like to come out to dinner with me 'or maybe we could go to a movie or something?' And she looked at me and she went, 'Oh. This Saturday?' LAUGHTER LAUGHTER 'Oh, nah, nah.' And I was, like, totally humiliated. And I went, 'Oh, no, that's cool. Maybe some other time.' And I went, 'Oh, no, that's cool. Maybe some other time.' SHAVAUGHN: Aw! AUDIENCE: Aw! AUDIENCE: Aw! Aw! AUDIENCE: Aw! Aw! I think she was a lesbian. LAUGHTER We go to a TV commercial now, and some companies go for a glamorous uplifting vibe in their advertising. Not the Capri Hospital, though. They prefer a more gritty, in-your-face style. DRAMATIC MUSIC (GROANS) We at Capri Hospital understand how devastating alcohol and drug problems can be. Have you ever got so drunk you woke up in the middle of a TV commercial for a hospital? I reckon he got so drunk that he came home and ate a Whiskas single, and then spewed, cos you can see it ` it looks about the same amount as a Whiskas single too. I've got another question about that commercial. Can we get a still shot of the guy lying down on the, uh` on the couch? Now, does this, or does it not, look a little bit like National's Northland candidate Mark Osborne? LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE He has really taken that loss hard. LAUGHTER I mean, I might have a problem with alcohol, but I did look at that guy and go, 'Oh, he's not so bad. He's still got a shirt.' 'Oh, he's not so bad. He's still got a shirt.' LAUGHTER Don't you reckon kids vomit heaps? Do your kids vomit a lot? Don't you reckon kids vomit heaps? Do your kids vomit a lot? Oh, all the time. I've had` > The other night, my daughter started vomiting, so I went to help her, and my wife came to help me, and then she started vomiting, so I had two of them. And then from the third room, my other daughter, I heard this voice say, 'Daddy, I feel sick.' I had three of them. I carried the third one to the toilet, cos I thought she might be the first one who can actually get to the bathroom, and she sat down on the toilet and then just leaned over and vomited into my hands. You know what? You don't even resent it, do you? You're, like, this is` 'I'm just happy to help.' That's because, Jess, kids are like a potpourri of disease. You know? They go to the same school or they get it from their kindies and stuff like that, and they're all sharing mucus and their snot and all that carry on. It's just disgusting! You know, my youngest daughter always wants to come in and help me cook. It's, like, 'No, you're filthy. Get out!' It's, like, 'No, you're filthy. Get out!' LAUGHTER It's time for our Best Bits Awards now, where we recognise this week's outstanding achievements in television. The Most Appropriate Coffee Mug Award goes to this guy from a TV show called Don't Just Stand There, I'm Having Your Baby. Now, if you're going to be a cocky know-it-all about your wife's upcoming childbirth experience, you should really check the bottom of your cup before you do it. I know everything. I know everything. No, you don't. I know everything. No, you don't. I'm a genius. You don't know anything. You don't know anything. Baby drops, baby crowns, baby comes out. Simple process. LAUGHTER I remember my wife said, 'Were you emotional during child birth?' And I said, 'Of course I was. I cried.' And she said, 'Yeah, but you cried during Glee'. I love how simple he put it. I feel like he should have put on the extra steps. Just being, like, 'Baby crowns, baby comes out, baby is in the house, 'baby gets taken away by CYFS.' 'baby gets taken away by CYFS.' LAUGHTER Time now for a break on Best Bits. We'll be back with a look at crime TV in our topic of the week. See you soon on Best Bits! AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD Welcome back to Best Bits. Each week at this time, we take a closer look at one particular aspect of TV. We call it our Topic of the Week. This week's topic is crime TV. Most TV cops are brave, fearless tough guys willing to risk life and limb in the pursuit of justice. Some aren't. Go ahead. BEEPING BEEPING Uh, no. LAUGHTER Do cops have a choice when they're asked to do things? Do cops have a choice when they're asked to do things? RHYS LAUGHS If they were, like, 'Someone's been stabbed,' and you'd be, like, 'Not for me. 'I'll wait for something a bit more fun.' I think you have to go to everything. > I think you have to go to everything. > Do you? That's bullshit. I wonder who dropped that stick of dynamite off and what message they left. Like, 'Hi, this is for Gary.' 'OK, and what's your name?' 'Um, ISIS.' Like, 'Hi, this is for Gary.' 'OK, and what's your name?' 'Um, ISIS.' LAUGHTER We go to Fox News, where this week a policeman found himself walking straight into the back of a reporter's shot. Luckily, he called on all of his training to calmly remove himself before anyone else noticed. Anthony Kiekow joins us. He's in Herculaneum right now with more on that story. Anthony? Good morning, John and Randy. I can tell you that I just learned that about 35 people from the... Yeah, apparently, there's a policeman in that video, but I've watched it five times, and I can't see him. but I've watched it five times, and I can't see him. LAUGHTER Assuming that he's just gotten out of that car that was in the background, how shit of a detective is he that it's taken that many paces to realise there's a camera crew right in front of him? to realise there's a camera crew right in front of him? LAUGHTER I had the same reaction when I was buying porn, and I walked out of the shop and bumped into my mum. SHAVAUGHN: Crap, crap, crap! The worst thing is, she was walking in. The worst thing is, she was walking in. Yeah, yeah. We crossed each other! Right, we continue with our Topic of the Week now, and you learn a lot from watching crime TV ` for example, on World's Wildest Police Videos, we learn that crime apparently does not have a dress code. Any sane man would hit the brakes. But this fearless menace is flying by the seat of his pants. Even though he's not wearing any! Even though he's not wearing any! LAUGHTER Yes, that's one charge of stealing a motor vehicle, one charge of smuggling a budgie. He's realised eventually it will come down to a foot-on-foot chase, and he's decided to wear less to give the police less to tackle. You guys see a lunatic; I see a genius. Who wants to touch the guy in jocks? How long has he been wearing those jocks? Yeah. 'Can you go chase the guy in jocks?'(IMITATES BRITISH ACCENT) 'Uh, no.' In all honesty, how many days would you go? What? What? In the same gruts? What? In the same gruts? Yeah. Yeah, same gruts. Wait, wait, wait. Let's all answer at the same time. Wait, wait, wait. Let's all answer at the same time. LAUGHTER I'll count you down. How long would you go wearing the same pair of gruts? Three, two, one. Seven days. Seven days. Don't wear them. Seven days. Don't wear them. One. Any number that had more than one syllable was the wrong answer, eh. You two were close, weren't you? You two were close, weren't you? What did you say, Rhys? You two were close, weren't you? What did you say, Rhys? I said I don't wear them. Ooh. Ooh. SHAVAUGHN: Wow. Ooh. SHAVAUGHN: Wow. You go rogue, do you, mate? I like the feel of denim on a scrote. I like the feel of denim on a scrote. LAUGHTER The denim seam is a rough seam. It's an unforgiving seam. < JASON: It is. < JASON: It is. They get what they deserve. LAUGHTER Right, to our next clip now, and during a time of crisis, a hastily called press conference can be the best way to get important information to the community. And if you're speaking at one of these conferences, it's crucial to look powerful and authoritative. Now, keep watching, cos things in this clip just get worse and worse. In terms of what is happening with flights, with the traveling public, with the traffic around the airport right now, Jeanna Marie Lindsay. Can you say was the shooter was employed here at the airport? Can you say was the shooter was employed here at the airport? We'll take questions after, sir. Thank you, Mr Mayor. I want to let everyone know that, technically, LAX is still accepting incoming flights, but we're doing that at less than half of our normal arrival rate. We are only accepting those flights on the south airfield. LAUGHTER Sadly, when they removed the microphones, the woman had gone missing. It's microphone Jenga. They just kept putting it on. I would have loved to have seen someone else go and taken one off the bottom and put it on the top. It might be the father in me, because my daughter's 3, she can't see up to things or see into the mirror to brush her teeth. You pick them up by the waist and hold them up. There was part of me that wanted the guy behind her to be, like, 'Little boostie boost! And pick her up and hold her and be, like, 'Quick. Tell them what they need to know! 'Dad can't hold you any longer!' 'Dad can't hold you any longer!' LAUGHTER That is it for our Topic of the Week. We're back soon with the soldiers who love My Little Ponies in our Best Bits From Around The World. See you soon on Best Bits! AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD For all you need to make it yours, talk to your local ANZ home loan expert today. You'll get a great rate plus up to $2000 cash on new lending. AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD Welcome back. It's time now for the best of the TV you don't get to see in our Best Bits From Around The World. On America's Got Talent this week, a nice little girl turned up with her nice little brother and sang this nice little song. Can't wait to hear your sweet music. Thank you. Can't wait to hear your sweet music. Thank you. CHEERING ROCK MUSIC PLAYS SCREAMS: # Everyone, listen to me! # I am a zombie! # I am a zombie! What?! # I'm gonna eat you up right now! # LAUGHTER See, mums and dads at home, remember, there are worse things than having your 6-year-old sing songs from Frozen all day. My daughter does the same thing ` and she's about the same age, my youngest daughter ` when I tell her to go to bed. when I tell her to go to bed. LAUGHTER 'And you can scream about Satan all you like, young lady. It's still bedtime. Way you go!' I reckon take away that drum beat, and it would have just been a tantrum, though. That... (IMITATES DRUMS) Take that away, it was just, like, 'Everybody, listen to me!' That's exactly what a kid would do if they got a microphone in, like, a department store. I like that black women in the audience, who is like 'What?!' You know on Dynamo how he always does his magic tricks to black people, cos he knows he's gonna get a better reaction? They're, like, 'Oh no you didn't!' You know? They go to town. It's like Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. My wife says, 'Are we going to watch this?' I'm, like, 'I don't know. Is it a black family?' 'A white family.' 'No, we'll try again next week.' A black family, they're all over the place. White family will be underwhelmed. Everything's gonna be horse themed. White family will be underwhelmed. Everything's gonna be horse themed. LAUGHTER They can't even... They can't even... LAUGHTER The white family can't pick imaginative themes. They're, like, 'What are you into?' They're, like, 'Horses.' The black people are, like, 'Diggers that run with flames coming out the side.' Then they've got a room that's a digger. That's awesome. To our next clip now. The show Neighbours with Benefits is a TV show about couples that turn up at a bar and swap partners. Unfortunately, nobody explained the concept to the terrified-looking barman. SENSUAL MUSIC (LAUGHS) Come here! SENSUAL MUSIC CONTINUES LAUGHTER Yes, if I stand completely still, maybe the old horny people won't see me. How do you ever had that conversation with your wife that you're into swinging? You couldn't un-say it once you've suggested it to her. You couldn't un-say it once you've suggested it to her. You've got to start subtly. You've got to be, like, 'Oh, what's your favourite type of bowling? 'Mine's probably swing. Hey, speaking of, uh...' 'Mine's probably swing. Hey, speaking of, uh...' LAUGHTER We've missed the Cricket World Cup. That was a time when most women were watching cricket. Now we've got to wait for the 2016 Oceania Swing Dancing Championships. Now we've got to wait for the 2016 Oceania Swing Dancing Championships. LAUGHTER It's going to be a long road. It's going to be a long road. LAUGHTER Have you ever swung, Jess? Have you ever swung, Jess? No, not my scene. I'm a one` one` one-woman man now. Is that how it works? Yeah, one-woman man. I've been to a swingers club. I've been to a swingers club. You have?! I've been to a swingers club. You have?! < Yep. Me and my mate, it was a Thursday night, there was nothing to do in Auckland, so we thought we'd check this place out. 50 bucks on the door each. You have to hand your phones in. But weirdly, I can tell you this, there are people are having sex in the bar, like, just right in front of you. We didn't partake. And I met really nice people that night and had actually really good conversations. And then what happened? And then what happened? LAUGHTER You said $50! You said $50! Yes, on the door! Seems a little steep, doesn't it? Particularly, like, if I'm running a swinger club and this one walks up, I'm, like,... 'To be honest love...' You know? Are you saying it would be a sliding scale of price? Yeah. > Yeah. > How much would it cost me to get in? If she's getting in for free, how much am I paying? Well, you're not adding anything. You're just another number, aren't you? Just another bald guy looking at Shavaughn Ruakere. So how much? So how much? A couple of hundy. So how much? A couple of hundy. < Yes, OK. That's like an Eagles ticket. That's like an Eagles ticket. LAUGHTER And pretty much the same clientele as well. And pretty much the same clientele as well. < Yeah. How much would it cost me to get in, Jesse? Well, I have a feeling you would have already drilled a hole, so it doesn't really apply, does it? To our next clip now, which is a beauty. I tell you what, it reminds us that no matter how tough you are, if you're a combat soldier that happens to collect My Little Ponies, you are going to get teased. I'm not some out-of-shape, lazy man-child. I have served my country dutifully for 11 years. I also like pastel-coloured talking Ponies. Got a problem with that? This is a show about men who love My Little Ponies, and as you can see, some of them are really tough guys. and as you can see, some of them are really tough guys. Bronies. There's a whole subculture. You can imagine him in a war zone, eh? There's guns going off,... (IMITATES MACHINE GUN FIRE) bloody things blowing up and people dying and getting decapitated, and he's there in the trenches,... (SINGS) 'I'm a little pony. I'm a little pony.' And imagine going to war riding on a My Little Pony. (IMITATES MACHINE GUN FIRE) That would be so distracting! Isis are all in black and stuff and on the back of utes, like... (IMITATES MACHINE GUN FIRE) And some dude's, like... (HUMS FAST-PACED MUSIC) with a horse that's, like, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! They'd be, like, 'Da fuck?!' And then he's, like,... (GRUNTS) stabbed in the throat. Speaking of which ` girls can't make gun noises. LAUGHTER Yeah, we can. Yeah, we can. No. Go on, then. (IMITATES MACHINE GUN FIRE) (IMITATES MACHINE GUN FIRE) No. That's crap. That's terrible. That's the sound of Rhys drilling a hole in a swingers club. That's the sound of Rhys drilling a hole in a swingers club. LAUGHTER That is our show for another week. My thanks to the studio audience, to our panel and to you at home. Before we go, let's take a look at our clip of the week. As a TV quiz master, you sometimes have to read out interesting or amusing words, but being professional means keeping your composure, even if you come across a name like, oh, I don't know, Fanny Chmelar. (READS QUESTION) LAUGHTER (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) You've put... s-s-show jumping. (LAUGHS) (EXHALES) LAUGHTER We're gonna make a rule now never to say her name again. (INHALES, GROANS) I'd be straight down the court in the morning if that was my name. I'd have that changed straight away. The answer, by the way, in case you're interested ` Fanny Chmelar competes as an alpine skier. Although she does have a second job sniffing for drugs at airports. And that is our show. Thank you very much for watching Best Bits! See you next week! AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air.