ROCK MUSIC Captions by Ingrid Lauder. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015 AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD Good evening. Welcome to Best Bits, the show with all the funniest and weirdest stuff from this week's TV. I'm Jesse Mulligan. Let's meet tonight's panel. Sitting next to me, from ZM's Fletch Vaughan & Megan radio show, it's Vaughan Smith! Yeah! Yeah! CHEERING, APPLAUSE Star of the upcoming series When We Go to War, it's Shavaughn Ruakere. Star of the upcoming series When We Go to War, it's Shavaughn Ruakere. CHEERING, APPLAUSE Billy T-nominated comedian Brendon Green. Billy T-nominated comedian Brendon Green. CHEERING, APPLAUSE And from Radio Hauraki's Bhuja Mix, it's Jason Hoyte. And from Radio Hauraki's Bhuja Mix, it's Jason Hoyte. CHEERING, APPLAUSE First up, let's go to some local news now, and 18-year-old Brook Johnson from Christchurch claims the party that he held on the weekend was pretty mellow. See if you can spot any visual evidence to the contrary. It was pretty controlled inside the party. Everyone was just having a good time. I didn't see a single fight the whole night. Like, everyone was just having fun. Then someone suggested a game of Pictionary, and as you can see, things got out of hand. I must be getting old, cos, like, an out-of-control party for me now is when the hummus runs out. SHAVAUGHN: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep. > Do you know, when I was at high school in Hamilton ` Hillcrest High School ` I got a call from a mate, 'There's this girl having a party. We're trashing the place. Come round.' You know when you're not the person who fits in with that scene? And I went over and people were, like, tossing her drawers out and writing on things. I was, like, 'How am I gonna contribute? I went to the freezer and there was a packet of blueberries, and I got this bag of blueberries and threw it on to the kitchen floor, and everyone else just stopped and said, 'Oh, blueberries.' 'Oh, she is never going to get those stains out.' 'Oh, she is never going to get those stains out.' You are out of control. I didn't know what I was doing wrong. I'm not a 'trash the party' guy, I guess. She can pick up her underwear, Jesse, but blueberries! Sorry, guys, trashing party is over. It was just like that! It was just like that! LAUGHTER Jase, you got teenage girls. Have you ever had out-of-control teenage parties at your house? Have you ever had out-of-control teenage parties at your house? Um, no, uh,... well, they've definitely had parties at our house ` my two eldest have. But strangely, I was the one that was out of control. But strangely, I was the one that was out of control. LAUGHTER Um, they were all really mature and grown-up, and I, like, was vomiting in my bed and,... you know, dad dancing. VAUGHAN: That's a great` They were opening the door and saying 'Dad, where's the rest of the hummus?' Now, on Prime News this week, we a met an incredible dog who's being trained as a surf lifesaver. Hey, it's a great idea ` if you ignore the fact that the dog is a little bit scared of water. Today Yule and his 2-year-old, Ted, are being put to the test as part of the NZ Newfoundland Club's water trial. Ted! Well, that's going well (!) There's going to be a lot of people drowning on Piha Rescue this year. But it would be like being rescued by a wet sheepskin rug, really. You'd be massively grateful to be being rescued and pulled back to shore, but the whole time you'd be going 'Ew, ew, ew!' Mouth-to-mouth would be an experience, wouldn't it? Do they get pulled back in, or do they just send the dog out to lick their face as they go, like, 'Oh, this is actually not too bad'? like, 'Oh, this is actually not too bad'? LAUGHTER I do the same thing when I run up to the surf in my Speedos. I do the big muscular run to the surf, and then my toe hits the water, and I go, 'Ooh, no! Ooh, no!' And you get up to your thighs and the little cresting waves coming in, and you go, 'Ooh, no, not the genitals! Ooh, no! Ooh no! Ooh, no!' It's time for our Best Bits Awards now, where we recognise this week's outstanding achievements in television. First up ` It's Campbell Live this week. Gorgeous Campbell Live, where host John Campbell showed his ratings-obsessed employers that you can't just get anyone off the street to do his job. Do you want to say`? Which camera are we on? Are we on that one there? Just say 'Ka kite ano and a very good evening indeed.' Ka kite ano... Ka kite ano... Ka kite ano... ...and a very good evening indeed. Ka kite ano... ...and a very good evening indeed. ...and a very good evening. Nailed it! If you've just tuned in, that was footage of John Campbell's handover to new 7pm hosts Jono and Ben. I think they're gonna be good. I love JC. I used to work in the same building as him, and he's an s` he's an absolute gentleman. The first time I met him, I was coming up the stairs, he was coming down, and he held the door open for me. I said, 'Thank you,' and he said, 'Mm, marvellous!' He actually says that. When he said 'marvellous', Shavaughn, what do you think he was referring to? He was... He was... LAUGHTER Well, now that you point that out to me... Ka pai, wahine. Ka pai. Ka pai, wahine. Ka pai. LAUGHTER I love the classic sort of European pronunciation of Maori words ` (MISPRONOUNCES) Ka kite ano. They just did a cutaway to me, cos I'm Maori. I love that. Thanks. What do you think, token? What do you think, token? LAUGHTER I didn't mean that. I didn't mean that. (LAUGHS) I'm just fulfilling the quota. It's all good. I've been doing Radio NZ National recently, which you have to be very correct in your pronunciation ` 'And we're talking now to a professor at the University of Otagooo.' The best one for that is 'Toe-paw'. LAUGHTER And, like, people called Kiri. Like, we're talking to Kiriana, and it's not a Maori name, but you give it the old, 'Ah, Kiri. Kia ora, Kiri,' and she's, like, (BROAD ACCENT) 'Hi, guys.' To our next award. It's... And it goes to Madonna at Coachella this week. Yes, the music legend laid a surprise kiss on hip-hop star Drake. Take a look at the footage and see if you can guess which one of them enjoyed it more. # I'm not your bitch. Don't hang your <BLEEP> on me. CROWD CHEER LAUGHTER (SPEAKS INAUDIBLY) LAUGHTER Don't you just`? Don't you just love Madonna? The most powerful woman in the world, and she wakes up and says, 'Today I'm going to use that power to force-feed my tongue to a rapper.' There's a certain age where it's dramatic and cool and blah blah, and then you reach a certain age where it's just gross. Like, me pashing my wife in my 20s was fine, but me pashing my wife now in front of the kids is just gross. They're, like, 'Ooh, Dad. No, Dad. Ew! Ew! Ew!' But at least your wife is the same sort of age as you. If you're pashing one of the kids' friends, that'd be a different matter. Jason, you know, you married the woman, you've got a nice tie on ` kiss your wife as much as you like. Don't feel bad about it. Don't feel bad about it. Just not in front of the kids. Don't feel bad about it. Just not in front of the kids. They should never know what love is. Will you give her a cuddle in front of the kids? I give her cuddles every day, Shavaughn. I give her cuddles every day, Shavaughn. Good man. > I tell her I love her at least 10 times a day. Wow. > Wow. > Let's talk about 'I love you'. Wow. > Let's talk about 'I love you'. And I... Let's talk about 'I love you'. This one here... We've got a great 'I love you' story on the panel tonight. Brendon here, who has been with his girlfriend for a few months now, almost a year, told her that he loved her for the first time tonight. Don't you think that's lovely? APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Aw! > APPLAUSE Aw! > Thank you. Thank you. You just won the hearts of the nation. Well, technically, she's reading it in a card while I'm here working. Well, technically, she's reading it in a card while I'm here working. LAUGHTER Oh, what? You didn't even tell her to her face? Oh, what? You didn't even tell her to her face? It's a lovely card. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Well, let's hope she reciprocates and sends you a fax or something. And when you try to get your partner pregnant, will you just leave your sperm in an envelope on the dinner table? will you just leave your sperm in an envelope on the dinner table? LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE Nature takes its course. Well, she'll be reading it. I hid the card so when she gets back from work, she finds it and opens it, and she's been back from work for a little bit, and I'm waiting for a text and... Have you got your phone out? Have you got your phone out? I've got priorities! Remember your first appearance on TV ` how excited you were? This guy brings his phone along, and he's checking his messages. Can I just`? Can I just point out that this is not my first time on TV? I have actually been on the news as an anonymous interview subject with my face blurred out. Fair enough, Brendon. Let the record show this is not Brendon's first appearance on TV ` it's his last. LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE Right, time for a break now on Best Bits. We'll be back with a look at factual TV in our Topic of the Week. See you soon. AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD Welcome back to Best Bits, where each week around this time we take a closer look at one particular aspect of TV. We call it our Topic of the Week. This week's topic is factual TV. I'm pleased to tell you that during the ad break, our panellist Brendon got a text message from his girlfriend! our panellist Brendon got a text message from his girlfriend! CHEERING, APPLAUSE SHAVAUGHN: Wait, wait, wait. What did it say? In case you didn't catch the first half of the show, Brendon told his girlfriend he loved her for the first time tonight. He's been waiting for a text back to see what the response was. What does it say? What does it say? What does it say? What does it say? Uh, it says, um,... (READS) Oh my goodness. I am so happy right now. You're the best! (READS) Oh my goodness. I am so happy right now. You're the best! LAUGHTER OK. OK. That's good, right? That's good? That's like` That's like` That's like taking your girlfriend up to, like, a romantic hilltop and watching the sunset and saying, 'Will you marry me? And she says, 'This is just a great place to be.' You'd be slightly disappointed. You'd be slightly disappointed. Yep, but if I was your girlfriend, I would wait to see you in person, and then I'd say it back. I would wait to see you in person, and then I'd say it back. Thank you, Shavaughn. Not on a text, eh. A text is lame. Not on a text, eh. A text is lame. OK, well, if this doesn't work out, then... Now back to our Topic of the Week, and factual TV often shows us what to do during important and special times in our lives, like the birth of a child. Here is a little lesson in how not to take a picture of your baby. It's time for the first of many photos of Daddy's little girl. I can't believe it's a girl. Oh! Oh! Oh my God! LAUGHTER The baby was fine. It's lucky that wasn't an iPhone. That definitely would have smashed the screen. And it couldn't be a Nokia 3310 ` it would have killed the baby. That was the first ever in that kid's life of, 'Shh, don't tell Mum!' You know as a dad when you do something dumb, you're, like, 'Shh, don't tell your mother. 'Whatever it takes. You name it. 'A pony? We've got a very small yard, but if you want one! 'Don't tell your mother.' Now, on Hell's Kitchen this week, one of the chefs has been wasting a whole lot of pasta and an angry Gordon Ramsay wants to find out who. See if you can spot the guilty contestant. Look at all this <BLEEP>! Who's putting all this in the bin?! How many portions are you putting in there? How much is in the bin?! LAUGHTER What's wrong with him? It's only pasta. Haven't you got a OneCard, Gordon? Diamond's like two for two bucks! Everybody knows if you're chucking a lot of food out you didn't eat, you cover it up with a lot of stuff. When you're young and you try to make dip and it doesn't work, and you put it in the bin, you always put a good bit of padding on top so your mum can't see it when she opens the bin. And then if your mum finds it, you know she's been scrounging through the bin. You can be, like, 'Mum, were you going through the bin? The issue is Mum's eating out of the bin.' Pass it. Pass it. Have you ever done that? Chucked something in the bin and then later gone and got it? Chucked something in the bin and then later gone and got it? JASON: Yep. We lived on top of a butcher shop. And all we ate for a year was meat, and we chucked out these dodgy sausies and had a bit of a sesh and was just really starving and had no money and they just` was just, like,... (GROANS) 'Oh, but if we cooked them, though, that would be all right, wouldn't it?' I love you were so stoned you didn't work out there were fresh ones down in the butchery you lived above. (IMITATES JASON) You find the best sausages in the rubbish bin. Is that how you do my voice, Jesse? Do my voice again. But then you'll often thrown something quite dirty in at the end like, uh, (IMITATES JASON) 'Yes, that sausage was a particularly difficult one to eat. 'I think it may have had a wee foreskin.' 'I think it may have had a wee foreskin.' LAUGHTER Did he say`? Did he just say what I thought he did? (IMITATES JASON) And I'll tell you where I got it, Jess ` Toe-paw. (IMITATES JASON) And I'll tell you where I got it, Jess ` Toe-paw. LAUGHTER See, you don't even have to be here ` we can just do you. See, you don't even have to be here ` we can just do you. Right. Bye! (LAUGHS) Oh, no! LAUGHTER To our next clip now, and legendary TV ONE show Fair Go had a very special cameo guest appearance. See if you can recognise a very famous 6pm news anchor. (RINGS BELL) BRITISH ACCENT: I wish to register a complaint about this here parking ticket. BRITISH ACCENT: Ooh, parking within 6m of the approach side of a pedestrian crossing. Nasty. What's wrong with it sir? What's wrong with it sir? What's wrong with it? It's wrong. That's what's wrong with it. Yes, the silly voices say 'Monty Python comedy sketch', but the production value says mid-'90s porno film. but the production value says mid-'90s porno film. LAUGHTER Slowly unbuttons the coat. Slowly unbuttons the coat. Don't you think? Slowly unbuttons the coat. Don't you think? Why was he wearing a flasher's coat? Because only people who are about to show you their penis have those buttoned right up. I'll pay the ticket... with my penis! It's funny, one of the things about working here at TVNZ is you often run into the news anchors around the building and most of them are a bit like that ` quite friendly guys, up for a joke. The only one is Andrew Saville, who's the sports guy for TV ONE. The first time I saw him, I was actually using his toilet in the dressing room, and it was just before a show and he comes in, and he goes, 'Having a nervous one are ya?' I was, like, 'That's all right.' Next he said the same thing, 'Having a nervous one are ya?' I thought, 'That must be his thing.' Then I was in the hallway and I saw him. I said, 'Hey, Andrew.' He said 'Having a nervous one are ya?' I think he's just crazy! That's it for our Topic of the Week. We'll be back soon with a man who lets out a terrible secret on a game show. That's in our Best Bits from Around the World. See you soon on Best Bits. AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD Welcome back. It's time now for the best of the TV you don't get to see in our... Now, on a wholesome game show like Family Feud, it's important you keep your answers family friendly. But if you do accidentally say something rude, you can always just start clapping for yourself and hope that everyone else gets on board. Tell me a part of the body that starts with the letter T. Tell me a part of the body that starts with the letter T. Titties. LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE That was actually his answer to every question, but this time it kind of worked. If there's any doctors watching, this could be quite a fun way to break news to patients, like, 'Hey, name a part of your body that starts with T.' 'Tongue?' 'No, the answer was tumour.' AUDIENCE: Oh! 'You've got a tumour.' It's not like it's a medical term. Imagine that if you were at the doctor's and he says to you, 'Shavaughn, you are in good health, and just remember always check your little titties...' SHAVAUGHN: Oh my God! SHAVAUGHN: Oh my God! LAUGHTER '...for any lumps.' To Australia now, where it's a lovely day to take the kids to the park. Keep an eye on the right of the screen and hope for his sake this guy's wife is not watching. Both of those teams are very strong. West Perth in the mix, North Park in the mix, and I think everyone's enjoying how even and how good in the league it is this year. Oh my God. I'd like to say he really dropped the ball on that one, but actually the worst thing is that he dropped the baby and caught the ball. The really weird thing about it is how stiff it is, cos usually, like, if you drop a kid, they have no` they have no` LAUGHTER they have no concept. Like, if you've got a small kid and you drop them, they have no concept that they've been dropped, so they just sort of go` they kind of bounce. Seriously. Like, a young kid, drop them, they tend to just boing, boing, bounce. What sort of man has dropped such a range of children, that he can describe the different bouncing styles of different ages? Now, Jeopardy is a quiz show where the host gives the answer and the contestants guess the question. When you're making a guess, you just have to be careful to not reveal more about yourself than you intended. Tom. Tom. What is the age of consent? Tom. What is the age of consent? No. LAUGHTER Tom, the good news is you've won $1000 worth of prizes; the bad news is you've also been put on the sex offenders' register. the bad news is you've also been put on the sex offenders' register. LAUGHTER The answer should have been ` it's a confusing way to do it ` what is the age when your children start turning into dickheads? What is the age when your children start having filthy thoughts about the opposite sex? They would have all been correct for that time bracket ` the pubescent period. How was puberty for your fellas? I feel like it's pretty rough on you boys. I can't wait. I can't wait. LAUGHTER Quite honestly, I used to have quite a high-pitched voice and my voice went to this, but, you know, the pubescent form, so I'd be... (HIGH VOICE) talking like that, and then... (DEEP VOICE) good evening ladies. (DEEP VOICE) good evening ladies. LAUGHTER You know, and I'd be,... (HIGH VOICE) 'Excuse me, missus.' (DEEP VOICE) 'How's it going?' I don't` I don't` I don't like my voice. When I hear it, I'm, like, 'Ugh.' No one likes hearing their voice. When you listen to your phone message, eh, it's awful. It's a problem when you've got a phone message, but when you work on the radio and your job is to speak, it's a little more prevalent when you don't like your voice. 'Oh God, who's this asshole?' (GROANS) Well, if it makes you feel any better, at least no one's listening. Well, if it makes you feel any better, at least no one's listening. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE How about you, Shavaughn? Was puberty tough? Were you ever an ugly duckling? Yeah, yeah, hard out. I was a very ugly baby. My mum will even tell me that, um, and I went through a real geeky stage. I remember telling my... Oh God. Um, the first time I got my period, I told my mum in the car, and she cried. It was real sad, yeah. Was it cos it happened in the car? Was it cos it happened in the car? LAUGHTER Way to ruin a moment, Vaughan. > Uh, I had a bit of an awkward adolescence, which is why I think the age of consent isn't that important. That's a weird thing to say,... That's a weird thing to say,... LAUGHTER That's a weird thing to say,... LAUGHTER ...but go with me here, because, like, the age of consent, it doesn't matter how many times you say yes if nobody's asking. Like, the age of consent may as well be 30. Before we go for the night, any text update, Brendon? Anything from your girlfriend? Yes, I text her saying, 'Hey, babe, there's actually a studio full of people in that reply.' And she text back, 'Ha ha.' LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, CHEERING How is it that someone that's not even here got the biggest laugh of the night? Argh! That is our show. My thanks to the panellists, our studio audience and you at home. Before we go, let's take a look at our clip of the week. Now, when a viewer wins a prize, it's great if they can show you just how excited they are. On US morning show Today, this winner gave them a whole range of emotions. Today's winner ` today's kid reporter ` is... Deidra Shores! It's you! Deidra, it's you! It's you! Deidra, it's you! It's you, Deidra. It's you! It's you! Huh? It's you! Huh? You're the winner! You're today's kid show kid reporter winner. You're the winner, Deidra. Stop playing with me. Stop playing with me. You're the winner! Stop playing with me! Stop playing with me! You're the winner! Stop playing! Stop playing! You're the winner Deidra Shores! Stop playing! You're the winner Deidra Shores! (PANTS, SQUEALS) SQUEALS: Oh my God! Oh my God! Are you serious?! Are you serious?! Yeah, that moment at the start where the girl just sat there staring straight ahead, like she'd just got the worst news of her life? That was Brendon's girlfriend finding a card that says, 'I love you.' And that is our show. Thank you. Goodnight! AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD Captions by Ingrid Lauder. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015