ROCK MUSIC Captions by Ingrid Lauder. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015 AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD Hello, and welcome to Best Bits, the show with the best, worst and weirdest stuff from this week's TV. I'm Jesse Mulligan. Let's meet tonight's panel. Next to me, it's comedian Rhys Mathewson. Direct from England, and here for the Comedy Festival, it's Carl Donnelly. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Billy T winner Nick Gibb. AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD And from Radio Hauraki, its Jason Hoyte! And from Radio Hauraki, its Jason Hoyte! AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD All right, to our first clip, and we're going to Neighbours, where this week we had a medical emergency involving long-time character Lou Carpenter. (GRUNTS) Oh, Lou. Lou, we didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Not feelings. Chest! What? Are you`? Are you right? (GROANS) (GROANS) Lou, what's going on? (GROANS) Lou, what's going on? Pain. Pain? Let me examine you. Hospital. Hospital. What? Let` Let me take this top off you. Come on. (BURPS LOUDLY) (BURPS LOUDLY) ALL GROAN (BURPS LOUDLY) ALL GROAN Are you serious?! LAUGHTER Well, it took 30 years, but they finally made use of the 'bare nipple' clause in Lou Carpenter's contract. I don't watch the show Neighbours, but is the guy next to him a doctor? I don't watch the show Neighbours, but is the guy next to him a doctor? Not` He's an actor, pretending ` AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD let's get that clear ` Yeah. Yeah. who plays a doctor. Yeah. who plays a doctor. OK. I went on a tour of the Neighbours set in Australia a couple of years ago and everyone said hello, all the actors, apart from Lou Carpenter, so when that burp happened, I was disappointed he hadn't died. so when that burp happened, I was disappointed he hadn't died. LAUGHTER While you're in NZ, you should do a tour of Shortland Street. While you're in NZ, you should do a tour of Shortland Street. Uh, I don't know what that is. OK, I'm going to take that on board. I'm gonna bury the anger and instead go with love and knowledge. Is it something`? Is it based`? Is it based around a street? Uh, no, it's based around a hospital. That's the first twist. Uh, no, it's based around a hospital. That's the first twist. LAUGHTER I've never thought about that before. (LAUGHS) It should be called Shortland Hospital. It should be called Shortland Hospital. It should do. Yeah. (LAUGHS) Oh, that's amazing. > All right, to our next clip, and Our First Home's auction finale was a huge ratings winner last week. People seemed to especially love the banter between the host and the contestants. If you love awkward small talk, you're gonna love this. We know what we need to get to beat the Schreuders, don't we? So that's what we're hoping for, I suppose. Anything's better than nothing. Anything's better than nothing. That's right. That's right. We're all winners. We're all winners. Yeah, yeah. Well, you are, aren't you? You are. Well, you are, aren't you? You are. Yeah. Yeah, you are. You are. Anyone know what time we go live? LAUGHTER It's the host's fault. If every time any of us said anything, you just stared at us, we would all do exactly the same thing. I love that we've gone from a clip where five people awkwardly make small talk to now five people awkwardly trying to make awkward small talk about that clip. APPLAUSE APPLAUSE It's scintillating television right there. The thing to remember, Nick, is that, uh,... we're all winners. The thing to remember, Nick, is that, uh,... we're all winners. We're all winners. One of my best mates ` he's called Paul ` he's 40 years old, and whenever a conversation goes a bit weak, he just still, at this age, just blows a raspberry, and he thinks it's the funniest thing. And about one in 10 times, it's the funniest thing, but when he picks it wrong... He'll do it one-on-one. He'll be in the hairdresser's and the chat will get a bit boring, and he'll just go... (BLOWS RASPBERRY) That's very exciting, though. That's very exciting, though. What's that? > That moment where you're interacting with a member of the community and you have to play that quick game in your head of, 'Drunk, stupid or mental?' Yes. That's a big problem in Wellington, actually. I lived in Wellington. You walk down Cuba Mall ` is this guy drunk, insane or a performance artist? You're, like, well, I'll just throw him money, cos that just works for any of those things. If you were at an auction and you've already got a house, it would be a great hobby if you went to auctions just to put the price up. Right. Yeah. > Just sitting at the back with an ice cream going, 'Yep, another 10 grand.' Risky, though. You might get it. Risky, though. You might get it. Very risky. Do you`? Do you legally have to buy it if you win? Do you`? Do you legally have to buy it if you win? Yes. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER What?! LAUGHTER What?! You can't be like, 'Ah! I got ya! I figured I'd be like, it's a two-bedroom flat in Otara, and you're paying 2 million,' and I'd be like, 'Yes, I am.' They'd go, 'Let's make a deal,' and I'd go, 'Psych!' All right. To our next clip now. John Campbell is under a lot of pressure to get more viewers. And when you watch his show, it's difficult to understand why it's not delivering higher ratings. Just before this lovely story, we want to show you something in the studio. It's very exciting. So that's Patrick in the back there on camera two and see autocue in the front with the words on it, and then below that` There's the autocue. That's Tracy's hand. And then below that is a new monitor! The problem is that... (LAUGHS) That's a new thing. The problem is now the monitor's got me on it, so it's` OK, wait. Go! Ooh, you just saw it! Come back. Go. Come back. Go back, Kate. Now wait. You'll get about three frames of me on the monitor. Ready, go! Ooh! It's disconcerting having me looking back at myself. You can't see it now ` the camera shows what's on air. So we go back to me. Right now I'm looking back at myself. It's very disconcerting. Yep. LAUGHTER Well, enjoy it while you can, John. One of these days, you're going to look at that monitor and see it's playing TV3's new soap opera. LAUGHTER, GROANING He was looking at that monitor cos it's got a three-frame delay, and he just wants to look back wistfully to a time three frames ago when he was three frames further away from his show getting cancelled. You'd think John had been doing TV long enough to know how it worked, wouldn't you? But I must admit, in his defence, when I bought my new smartphone, Jess,... Oh! Hey! Ladies and gentleman! Oh! Hey! Ladies and gentleman! AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD Oh! Hey! Ladies and gentleman! AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD Thank you. I was` I was` I was as excited as John. It was like, 'Ooh, smiley faces! Ooh, ooh, calculator! Ooh, ooh, photos! I can take photos.' Do you mind if I tell the audience what you asked me before we came on the show tonight? You can say whatever the hell you like, Jess. You can say whatever the hell you like, Jess. OK. > Jason leant over to me with his new phone. He goes, 'Hey, if the power's off, it can't ring, eh? LAUGHTER True story. True story. It's a good question. > True story. It's a good question. > It's very disconcerting. It's not plugged into a wall! It's not plugged into a wall! LAUGHTER Oh, imagine that. He is this far away from being the guy who has it plugged into his charger thinking he can only use it when he's standing there. It's time for our Best Bits Awards now, where we celebrate this week's outstanding achievements in television. First up is... And it goes to Best Bits favourite Karen Olsen, the weather lady, who did her very best to stay calm ahead of the hottest autumn night of all time. A few showers around this evening in Auckland. Just 11 degrees. Mostly fine in Tauranga and Hamilton. Strong sou-wester, but mostly fine in Wellington. Actually, with the wind chill, it's gonna be more like 75. Actually, with the wind chill, it's gonna be more like 75. LAUGHTER You can` That's gonna be the weather forecast in, like, 25 years time from now. DEEP VOICE: 'It's going to be a balmy 88 degrees tomorrow, 'so make sure you get your singlets out. Slip, slop, slap. UVF factor of about 4500, 'and a burn time of about three seconds.' And on Newstalk ZB they'll still be saying, 'Nah, there's nothing going on. 'Just a pretty warm summer, cyclical stuff.' What did she say at the start of that? Cos this is going to be that classic Brit abroad, but it sounds like she opens the beginning of that piece with 'fish eyes'. Fish eyes? > Fish eyes? > Play it. This is what it sounds like to an English person. Few showers around this evening in Auckland. Just 11 degrees. No, that is a saying in NZ. No, that is a saying in NZ. (LAUGHS) Yeah. No, that is a saying in NZ. (LAUGHS) Yeah. Uh, fish eyes is a saying, and that's when the weather is so good, you can't believe it. Fish eyes round the country today! You'll never guess what it got to! Fish eyes round the country today! You'll never guess what it got to! LAUGHTER The next three weeks, he's here for the Comedy Festival, and he's like, 'Oh, great day, eh? Fish eyes!' In NZ, the weather on the news is very much like tap dancing ` just to fill time. Just look at that weather, look at the weather and... Great, a tragedy's happened. Let's cut to that. We don't fill much time with tap dancing in the UK. We have museums and art galleries. Tell you what` > Tell you what` > Well, la-di-da! Ooh! Coming over here with your culture ` that you stole from the rest of the world! LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, CHEERING Yes, because they weren't looking after it correctly. Yes, because they weren't looking after it correctly. LAUGHTER Time for a break now on Best Bits. We'll be back with a look at the great outdoors in our Topic of the Week. See you soon. AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD Welcome back to Best Bits, where each week around this time we take a closer look at one particular aspect of TV. We call it our Topic of the Week. This week's topic is the great outdoors. On the excellent show NZ Hunter Adventures, this week we saw how important it is to remain absolutely silent when you're hunting an animal. If we can't find a deer here, I'll eat my hat. We camped down over there last night, so we left this great basin up here` CELL PHONE RINGS Christ's sake. It's on <BLEEP>ing silent! How the hell can it make a sound on silent? LAUGHTER So how long have you been working on that show, Jase? So how long have you been working on that show, Jase? LAUGHTER I hope you're taking measures to protect your new smartphone. I wouldn't know how, actually, Jess, but was that`? I see it's got a rubbery sort of case, or is that just the packaging you haven't taken off? That was recommended to me by the young lady that sold it to me. You didn't get upsold, Jason? What else did you buy? You didn't get one of those extended warranties, did you? You didn't get one of those extended warranties, did you? Yes. What you don't see in that clip is it's a deer on the other end of that phone saying, 'You'll never find me'. I think that did exactly what it said on the tin, that show, because that is exactly the sort of story that a hunter would tell for, like, two decades at least. 'Oh, you'll never guess the time ` I was out with Bazza. I was out with Bazza, 'and we'd tented up for the night. Starting out the next day, a little basin. 'Wouldn't you know it? You'll never guess. Uh, phone went off.' 'We laughed. We laughed. I mean it was the hospital, so that took a dark turn, 'but still very funny at the time, very funny at the time.' This is a great example of a good Kiwi show. Is it? Is it? Yeah. I think so. > Where's it`? Where's it based? Where do they explore? Well, all of NZ looks like that, Carl. Outside of the studio, that is NZ. Blue skies, tussocky hillocks. LAUGHTER Lush roiling hills. Jagged, rugged, rocky outcrops. Sparkling crystal-clear aqua-like water. Orcs. Orcs. LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE Now, on the show Born Survivor, Bear Grylls does what he does best ` throws himself in harm's way and delivers helpful survival pointers to viewers. However, I'm not fully convinced his antiseptic honey remedy really works. Honey's got really good antiseptic, and that will help that sting. Oh man. For such a small little fly thing, it doesn't half deliver a punch. Oh! It's been quite a brute of a` brute of a bee sting, this. Made all this part of me swell up. Typical. LAUGHTER Oh, we told you, Bear Grylls ` you're very popular. Just don't go getting a big head. Can I just ask the audience, have you heard of an actor called Benedict Cumberbatch? AUDIENCE: Yes. Do you think that Bear Grylls with his swollen-up eyes looks a bit like that actor? Can`? In the control room, is there any chance we can get a shot of swollen-up Bear Grylls next to Benedict Cumberbatch? LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE What do you think? I'll say this about him, though ` like, his wrinkles are completely gone. There are rich women in Remuera who pay a lot of money for that exact treatment. Here's a tip, Bear Grylls. Here's a survival tip ` don't go to the dangerous places. Yeah. Yeah. Don't. To our next clip now, and Mountain Monsters is a show about a team of hillbillies who run around the Appalachian Mountains hunting Big Foot and finding humour where they can. Do you all hunt up here or what do you do? Oh, no, I kind of gave up hunting a few years back. Hills got a little bit too steep. I see you dragged your missus out along with ya. I see you dragged your missus out along with ya. Oh, that's my sister. Oh, your sister? Oh, your sister? Yeah. Oh, your sister? Yeah. ALL LAUGH LAUGHTER You know why they're laughing ` because he thinks there's a difference between sister and wife. Then straight after that, she went 'Dad, stop embarrassing me.' Then straight after that, she went 'Dad, stop embarrassing me.' LAUGHTER Yeah, I saw that, and I thought, 'Wow, the new season of Game of Thrones has a way lower budget.' You know when you're out and you meet someone new like, 'I suppose you've got to get back to your girlfriend, boyfriend, partner? What's going on? Are you single?' How is your little relationship going? We discovered last year that you` God, I hope its going well. It's not the thing to ask on TV. I enjoyed the patronising nature of, 'How's your little relationship going?' 'It's not quite a marriage, is it? I'm in a marriage and hosting the show so,...' We used to have so much fun on the show making fun of you not having any women wanting to come near you and that some were legally not allowed to be near you and then you got this girlfriend, it hasn't been quite so fun. it hasn't been quite so fun. Joke's on you guys. Now it's getting sorted out daily and nightly and ever so rightly! Now it's getting sorted out daily and nightly and ever so rightly! LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE No, OK. No, OK. LAUGHTER Because her parents watch this show,... please, can we not put that on air? please, can we not put that on air? LAUGHTER please, can we not put that on air? LAUGHTER I've never touched your daughter. Not once, not once. That's it for Topic of the Week. We'll be back soon with the world's clumsiest high five in our Best Bits From Around the World. See you soon. AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD Welcome back. It's time now for the best of the TV you don't get to see in our Best Bits From Around the World. Let's start with baseball, and see if you can pick which teammate the player giving out the high fives doesn't like. Look out. Uehara's coming in. I guess Victorino didn't get the message. LAUGHTER It's a lot of effort to go to to punch one guy in the face, but you got to admit, he got away with it. Pretty brutal. Pretty brutal that he struck his teammate. Yeah. Yeah. What's more brutal is that cos it's baseball, he gets two more strikes! There's nothing more humiliating either than doing a really unco high five. You go... and you don't connect. You go... and you don't connect. The secret, I've heard, is that you look at the person's elbow. If you look at their elbow, you get a perfect high five. Have you heard? If you look at their elbow, you get a perfect high five. Have you heard? I've heard it, it's true, and I don't like it. and I don't like it. Come on. Come here. Watch my elbow. Watch my elbow. All right. There we go. See? Alternately, just back yourself to be a normal human being who knows where your hand is gonna be in relation to another person's hand. Am I right, Carl? LAUGHTER It's creepy, innit? Ugh, I felt the heat before I felt the hand. Ugh, I felt the heat before I felt the hand. I just gently pressed it on there. The worst is when you go for one and somebody just looks away at the last second, cos they don't know it's coming. Your hand is there. My technique, if that happens, is to keep walking till, like, I hit the sea and then just walk in. All right, now, Hungarian public TV showed us this week that when trying to hide from the cameras, you have to be careful you don't accidentally make yourself more conspicuous. (SINGS NOTE) APPLAUSE (SPEAKS HUNGARIAN) LAUGHTER Great reactions, Steve. You're definitely still fired, but great reactions. Can we actually go back to the studio there? Because they must have a pretty shithouse budget on their show and not much money, because that's a tomato plant and a capsicum plant. They mustn't have much of a budget for, sort of, props on stage. Why do people hiding think a good idea to hide is to lie on the ground? That's like me trying to hide like that. Your only option there is just do as many press-ups as you can. Just keep going to the point where people go, 'He's on 50. This is actually really impressive.' He did look like a guy` you know when people in the gym set up` they do, like, exercise circuits? Yes. He looked like he was like, 'I've got to run over to this section, do a burpee and then run away.' My mate cancelled his gym membership when he went into the dressing room and there was a man drying his balls with a hairdryer. He walked out to the reception and said, 'I want to cancel my membership,' and they did that thing of, like, 'Can we talk you back into it?' He went, 'I've seen a man drying his balls with a hairdryer.' They were like, 'We'll just get the forms.' Now, Surviving Marriage is a show that takes unhappy couples into the great outdoors. In this clip, wife Alethia may not be as keen on the extreme marriage therapy as her hubby. Josh and Alethia are on the verge of divorce. With nowhere to turn, they've agreed to extreme marriage therapy. Oh my God. (VOMITS) Let's just all pray for humanity that that's seasickness and not morning sickness. There's nothing like seeing your loved one do a big gurgly vomit to rekindle the romance. Can't see them kissing and making up after that either. Wouldn't have thought so. Good burley, though. Wouldn't have thought so. Good burley, though. LAUGHTER You a married man, Carl? > You a married man, Carl? > I'm divorced. Are you? I'm sorry to hear that. > Are you? I'm sorry to hear that. > But watching that has made me think we gave up too soon. LAUGHTER We` I mean, we tried talking, counselling. What we didn't try was getting a speedboat to a cave. That's our show for another week. My thanks to the panellists, to our studio audience and to you at home. But before we go, let's take a look at our clip of the week. Now, on breakfast TV, a light, easy repartee between hosts is important. No one wants to turn on the TV in the morning and feel like you're watching two people who completely hate each other. Do you smell, out here, what's going on? Oh, my gosh the blooming trees. Oh, my gosh the blooming trees. Look up. Do you see that? We've got full bloom here. Don't look at me like I'm crazy every time I ask you a question like that. You said, 'Do you smell?' And I'm like, 'Uh...' Cos it smells like orange blossoms. Cos it smells like orange blossoms. Oh, got it, yeah. What did you think I meant? What did you think I meant? I smell your hairspray, mainly. I didn't want to say that. That's the most important thing, I'm told. That's the most important thing, I'm told. You forced me into a corner. The email I get is all about my hair, so sorry. (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) Like you don't have any product. Well, please, don't ever touch me again. LAUGHTER And I give Hilary Barry a month before she's talking to Paul Henry like that. Thank you for watching. Goodnight. We'll see you next week on Best Bits. Goodnight. AUDIENCE CHEER, APPLAUD Captions by Ingrid Lauder. Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015