REFLECTIVE MUSIC HIGH-PITCHED TONE They call me Meat Train... for a reason. I've got a pretty fierce reputation. But I wanna share with you what's really going on. Meat Train is Marcia Taylor. Marcia's going deaf but is determined to represent her country in a sport she loves. WOMEN SHOUT, GRUNT GRUNTING PANTING We're two months out from selection of the final 20. So at these trainings, we're all trying to` trying to become teamly and work together, but we're also trying to expose to the coach, 'Look, she's weak and I did that to her.' ROCK MUSIC WOMEN SHOUT Roller derby began in America back in the 1930s. In roller derby, two teams of five players skate around the track while the jammer, who wears a star on her helmet, scores points by lapping members of the opposing team. REFEREE SHOUTS The rest of the team block the opposing jammer or assist their own jammer. Roller derby is almost entirely a female sport. WHISTLE BLOWS WOMAN SHOUTS The 2014 Roller Derby World Cup is in Dallas, Texas. 30 countries are attending. The NZ team going to Dallas is to be selected in 12 weeks. Marcia is determined to be one of them. So I have to get quicker at getting back. That would be my` my weakness, is getting back. Otherwise, I'm pretty awesome at lots of stuff. Just saying, you know? (LAUGHS) I'm pretty confident. (LAUGHS) Apart from the hearing business. AUDIO LEVEL DROPS I was born fully hearing. I now have no hearing whatsoever in my left ear. I'm not even sure where this one's at anymore, but I do know that when I have my hearing aid out when I'm lying in bed, I used to be able to talk to my partner. But now I can't hear her any more. MUFFLED AUDIO: Go, go, go! In the game, they use a lot of body language. The body speaks very loudly. And particularly of what the opposition is doing, that's probably an advantage I have. So for the disadvantages I have, I think I bring more advantages to the team. SHOUTING CLAMOURING, WHISTLE BLOWS When you lose a sense, you pick one up. So for me, not only have I got strong eyes, but I can feel... I can feel negative energy. That sounds quite... (GROANS), but when someone's coming to get you, they're normally... (GASPS) and I can feel that. ROCK MUSIC (GRUNTS) WOMEN SHOUT Meat Train is a` a very gifted player. For roller derby, she is a jammer. She can slip through the pack easily to score the points. WOMEN SHOUT Or she can block the opposing players and knock them down ` Within the rules, bunt them over. Within the rules, bunt them over. within the rules! Within the rules, bunt them over. within the rules! Within the rules. (LAUGHS) The coach talked about how we can do signs and stuff with the team and start integrating that so that there's not so much talk and more signing. Because at Worlds there'll be, like, three tracks, a million whistles. Even just a little bit of noise and I'm rendered deaf, so having signs, I don't have to go` go, 'What, what, what? I have no idea,' so they're gonna try and, um, make that connection for me. Three for` Three for` A package deal. > Three for` A package deal. > Three-package deal for the weekend. We're incorporating sign into, um, our communication within Team NZ. Wanting to help me be on the same page as the rest of Team NZ, but also use it as a strategic advantage against our opposition at Worlds so they don't know what we're talkin' about. (LAUGHS) WOMAN: Yeah. WOMAN: Yeah. WOMAN 2: Zephyr. 'I mean, it is very depressing losing my hearing.' Yeah. Ready? One, two, three. Yeah. Ready? One, two, three. ALL: White Hot Rats! So having Team NZ help with that communication has made me a better, stronger player and not sit in my puddle of 'woe is me.' RAIN POURS BOTH SPEAK SIGN LANGUAGE Thank you! Oh, is that Mum's favourite? Oh, is that Mum's favourite? Yeah. We're using sign at home with the kids. Sometimes we have silent tea. So, um, Marce will turn her hearing aid off and then we can only sign during dinner. So that` that's cool. That's fun. So that` that's cool. That's fun. This ` door. SINGING: Open and shut, open and shut. Open and shut, open and shut. Tuesday, which is my news day at school. Monday ` three. Monday. If her hearing goes completely,... um, what she's most scared of is the fact that everybody will up and leave because she's too-hard basket, um, and that she won't be able to have in-depth conversations with anybody. We've promised her that we're not going anywhere if she, you know, wakes up tomorrow and she has no hearing. We're not gonna up and leave. # God of nations at thy feet... I first started going deaf when I was 13. It was barely noticeable at first, but it got worse. # Hear our voices... I got my first hearing aid when I was 14. Finally in my 20s, they, um, diagnosed it as Meniere's disease. That just means a disorder of the inner ear. There's fluid in your ear which pushes over the hair follicles which creates all that dizziness and unstableness. PLUG RATTLES When I'm listening to somebody, the sounds that I'm hearing through my head are best described like a air-conditioning unit;... BLOW DRYER WHIRRS ...plane taking off at the airport; a jumbo jet takes off the ground;... fire alarm going off in my head; a siren; all at the same time. SIREN WAILS, ALARM RINGS, BLOW DRYER WHIRRS That's the sound that I hear in my head when I'm trying to listen to people talk. ENGINE WHIRRS, SIREN WAILS, ALARM RINGS So even with my eyes open and my eyes closed, my eyeballs feel like they're rolling around in my head. WATER GUSHES Feels like someone's, like, put a` a bike` bike pump in my head and then my head is blowing up and it's, um, intense pressure. BLOW DRYER WHIRRS JET ENGINE WHIRRS Those sounds are constant in my head, and I have to hear through them every single day. So every time I have a Meniere's attack or turn, um, I lose a bit more hearing every time. And so, um, eventually, uh, there'll be a time when none of my hearing comes back at all. So then I have some decisions to make; some types of options. One is a cochlear implant, but I've been told there's no guarantee that it will work because of the fluid damage that's been done to the cochlear, um,... um, due to Meniere's. But` And so, if that doesn't work... and I've still got this ringing and I'm still getting sick and getting vertigo, um, then I will probably sever the` sever the ears internally to stop that ringing and the vertigo. That's the only way to stop it. BLOW DRYER WHIRRS, TURNS OFF WATER GURGLES Still completely silent. There's a job there that's, um, Wellington; Service Coordinator, full-time. Cool. (INHALES, EXHALES) No? Yes? No? Yes? Yep. Yep. Bit scary, though. No? Yes? Yep. Yep. Bit scary, though. Why? Cos I imagine there's lots of, um, writing. Cos I imagine there's lots of, um, writing. Mm. Yeah, but I'm sure that... you can explain to them about your dyslexia. Yeah? KIDS CHAT Do you think you have enough sign? Do you think you have enough sign? It says that have to have knowledge; doesn't say you need to be fluent. Are you happy with how it says`? Are you happy with how it says`? Yep. Are you happy with how it says`? Yep. So do you wanna read that bit out? READS: In my personal life, I have experienced` I experience dyslexia and I am very hard of hearing with a real likelihood of going deaf at some point in time. I am able to communicate and understand basic NZ Sign Language and work` working to improve this at all` all the time. Yep. What is that? Hansard. That's like` Hansard is the, um` all the words that they say in Parliament. So they type it all up. Yeah, I know. It's probably not gonna be a good job for you! Again? Oh, I missed that. Again? (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) How do you spell that? (LAUGHS) How do you spell that? (LAUGHS) K, no. We're not gonna be a Hansard publisher. K, no. We're not gonna be a Hansard publisher. No. (LAUGHS) There are a lot of jobs that because of my lack there of hearing, I am deemed unsafe. Well, last year's idea was to go on a fishing boat. Well, last year's idea was to go on a fishing boat. Yep. I'm unsafe. You're unsafe. You're unsafe. (GROANS) So I've told Marce that we're not moving in together, um, if she's unemployed... (LAUGHS) cos I'm not paying all the bills! Um, so, yeah. It's a motivator. It's a motivator, but it's also deadly serious. Like,... (LAUGHS) I just` I can't. If I don't find a job, one, I can't move in which is really sad, but I'm going to have to` I'm going to have to stop roller derby until I get a job. < When you went for the job the other day and you got through to the next round, < that was a huge weight off, right? Every time we do something like that, you can see ` < you just walk a bit taller and stuff. But then you get knocked back. Mm. Mm. < And it's just... Mm. < And it's just... (SNIFFLES) Yeah. < It's not through lack of trying. < It's not through lack of trying. Yep. < It's not through lack of trying. Yep. COMFORTING: Oh, baby. Mm. It'll be all right. I won't let you become a hobo. I won't let you become a hobo. (LAUGHS) I won't let you become a hobo. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) I don't wanna stop those things, but it's just unfair that I know I can do a lot of these jobs and just not given a break for the` what I think are` are not good reasons. Yeah. Yeah. < Mm. REFLECTIVE TONE Trying to raise money to get to Texas for the Roller Derby World Cup, so I did a PledgeMe just to help, um, for my athlete's contribution to getting to Dallas, and I've got some things that people can pledge on. The pledge I'm doing today is the human bird feeder. ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC So as you can see, we've got some, um, uh, bread and margarine here; my little helper here. We're just gonna put some margarine on here and she's just gonna stick that somewhere on` on me. Maybe on my shoulder here. Yeah, get the birds. This is the bird feeder. Here we go. Here we go. Hope they don't steal that hat. I like that hat. > (LAUGHS) > (LAUGHS) > You look great, babe. > (LAUGHS) > You look great, babe. > Thanks. Um, we can` Hold on. All right, that's enough buttering. K, you do it. Lovin' that. Actually, no, this way. FRIEND: Can you get some out of here? FRIEND 2: Oh, I'll get her to do it. FRIEND 2: Oh, I'll get her to do it. Getting cold, so we've gotta get the bird feeder underway. Give that to Kenzie, up the top of my arm here. OK, Regan and Mackenzie, come over here with me. > OK, Regan and Mackenzie, come over here with me. > (LAUGHS, SHOUTS) Human bird feeder! > Come on, birds! SEAGULLS CAW There's a Maori hawk circling you. > There's a Maori hawk circling you. > (LAUGHS) > CHATTING You look like a scarecrow! > Come over here. Come a little bit further away. > ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC CONTINUES SEAGULLS CHIRP Marcia! LAUGHING You think about it too much. Yeah, eh? You just have to think about it too much. That's OK. Hey, what you did is right. So go in to contact slow. I find that Meat Train is giving more into this training than she's getting out of it, cos she has to watch what's going on, because people forget to turn to her and say, 'Did you get that? Do you know what's going on?' SHOUTING, WHISTLE BLOWS Out! She doesn't want to be a burden. She doesn't wanna say, 'What was that?' So she watches what's happening and she basically teaches herself the drill by watching others and hoping that they're doing the right thing. Like, 'No, you're doing it wrong!' (SIGHS) Now I look bad. But, um, you know, she` she's` she's world-class. She's, um... absolutely belongs in Team NZ and belongs in Dallas. WOMEN SHOUT They obviously believe, uh, that I have something to bring; that I'm worth investing in. I don't actually ever hear what the coach is saying, because if the coach is talking and moving around, they give an example. So I normally have to wait either to the end of it and go to somebody else` go... (WHISPERS) 'What are we doing?' Or probably, if you` you have a` when you've watched, I'll always go either last or put myself in the middle so I can watch what everybody else is doing and hope like heck that they're doing it right. We are... celebrating the fact that Marcia got her visa for the States, um, so that she can hopefully go to Dallas, um, if she gets picked for the team. And so we're having... (CLEARS THROAT) a few friends over. Her friends are behind her and they want to support her. I think she's very aware of the fact that when it goes, she will lose some; some will walk away. She's waiting for that. She knows that's going to happen, but she's already a bit heartbroken about it. It's really frustrating for me to watch it happen. She's not upfront and honest about it, and I think that's still a little bit of denial. It depends on how it goes in terms of whether or not she can participate in conversations. It really makes a difference if somebody makes an effort to engage her in one-on-one conversation. Marcia doesn't stand up for herself, so she doesn't say, 'Hey, guys. I can't follow the conversation. Can you not talk over the top of each other?' She doesn't wanna be treated differently, um, also cos she wishes it wasn't true. It's real hard work trying to, um, remember to involve someone all the time. So, uh, they forget, just like I forget. ROCK MUSIC PLAYS Hi! How you goin'? Hi! How you goin'? WOMAN: Hi, guys! GUESTS CHAT OVERLAPPING CHATTER LAUGHTER MARCIA: Do you know this one? HIGH-PITCHED RINGING OVERLAPPING CHATTER CONTINUES TONE STOPS I made signs for our girls. I made signs for our girls. Oh, cool. So I've been thinking about signs for at training and so that you can join in straight away. Um, so we already do blockers and jammers,... Yep. Yep. ...but when we're doing drills, you need to know what we're doing. If we start using the signs, then you're gonna be able to just jump straight in. Um, scrimmage; I couldn't think what scrimmage could be at all. (BLOWS) Cos you're going round the track, but that's like` that's` but scrimmaging is mixing up. Feed` Feedback. Feedback. Feed` Feedback. Feedback. Oh, feedback. Feedback. Feedback. Oh, no, that way. Feedback. The best; bad; oh, poor. So we just need to make them up as we go along. It's creating a whole new language, really. It's creating a whole new language, really. It is, it is. Sounds like a really good idea. Sounds like a really good idea. Yeah? Sounds like a really good idea. Yeah? Yep, I like it. And, like, once we've built it up and made it have pictures of everything and` so everyone, if they want to, um, knows. Yep. Yep. Yeah. (CLICKS) MOUTHS: Who's that? GIGGLING Am I turning my hearing aid off? Am I turning my hearing aid off? Yeah, turn your hearing aid off. WHISPERS: Off? Yeah. MOUTHS: Grab the phone. We try most evenings, if we can, to sit down, turn my hearing aid off and have a conversation. MOUTHS: You wanna know more... more, um, about sign language.... structure. We don't do it as often as we should, cos it's hard work. It's real hard, cos we're aware of not having the words that we wanna say. We don't know enough sign. It gets frustrating cos sometimes I don't understand what you're saying to me in sign and you don't understand what I'm saying. You start doubting yourself, 'Am I doing the right signs?' MOUTHS: Is it in the middle? Here or here? Here. (MOUTHS) That's why when you're actually in front of somebody who uses NZSL fluently, you get really nervous because you aren't confident. Cos we're just practising with each other. WHISPERS: And so on. WHISPERS: And so on. (GIGGLES) WHISPERS: And so on. (GIGGLES) Talk at length. It's like we're ta` speaking our own language and then we go and meet a real person and then` and then they're like, 'I don't know what you're talkin' about.' (LAUGHS) (MOUTHS) (MOUTHS) (MOUTHS) (MOUTHS) WHISPERS: Is it two or two? Two just there? Oh. (MOUTHS) (MOUTHS) I am terrified of` of when` I wanna` I wanna say if, but it's not if, it's when my hearing completely goes that people will walk away and that I'll be all alone. TEARFULLY: But, um, people say they won't. But sometimes the reality is really different. Um... (SNIFFLES) uh... So, um, like, I think just try and not think like that, but it's still there, um, and just... change` I think it's recreating` have to recreate myself as a deaf person and what that looks like ` and I don't know, cos I don't particularly want to go deaf ` um,... and just try new things. Cos I can see myself` I can see myself making my world smaller, um, and doing more things alone cos of not wanting to be a burden or the too-hard basket for people, which is a lot of the attitudes, um, that I have seen and experienced and feel. Um, but I think because I'm the Meat Train and I stay, you know... I look strong and look confident and stuff, but I think only those closest to me know that's, um,... I don't know if there's a word. Um, though I s'pose Meat Train is my Lycra superhero to hide the... this. Yeah. BLUES MUSIC I don't know where I fit. That's the thing; that's probably the hard thing, is not knowing where I fit and belong any more. Still` And then shifting slowly in from` from the hearing to the deaf trying to work out where I fit. BLUES MUSIC CONTINUES Going deaf is like going into darkness. AUDIO LEVEL DROPS WOMEN SHOUT WHISTLE BLOWS ELECTRONIC MUSIC SHOUTING, CLAMOURING WOMAN: Go, go, go, go! ELECTRONIC MUSIC CONTINUES CLAMOURING WHISTLE BLOWS WOMAN YELLS ORDERS There can be prejudice against her. Some people may see her` her partial deafness as a liability. All I can say is... she's been playing derby for about four years. Through all of those four years, her name was known and feared up and down the country. And I know when she gets to Dallas, her name will be feared in a lot of other countries too. WAVES CRASH Well, I'm not going to Dallas. I didn't make the team. I would've been OK with it if it was just about my skating. But it wasn't. The coach of the NZ team wrote on social media that Marcia would not be going to Dallas because of her hearing loss, writing, 'I'm real sorry, but they call it a disability for a reason. 'Everyone has to walk on eggshells around someone because they have a disability.' She was visiting me at work and she` we said goodbye and she went out to her car, and she went on Facebook, obviously, um, before she left the car park. And she called me. And I` she was crying and she was shaking; her voice was shaking. And she said, 'It was my hearing. She didn't pick me because of my hearing.' It was more hurtful. It hurt deeper than anything I've ever felt before because I` it's something about me that I can't change. It makes me very angry; very angry cos it's not true. I don't believe you could ask anyone I've ever played with who thinks I'm a liability at all on the track. She can't fix her deafness, um, and she was deaf when she was selected at the beginning of the year. They` Everyone knew that, so why waste her whole year and all her time and all her money and everybody else's money that's sponsored her from around the` around the country? I'm not gonna be quiet about it, cos it's` Beeing quiet is how bullies and mean people get away with it. There's too much background noise. There's too much background noise. It's not very good. There's too much background noise. It's not very good. Yeah. OK. Do you think there is a wider issue here? > Oh, for sure. Um, in sports in NZ, we're` we're a sporting nation, so there's` lots of people just want to be part and to be included, um, and belong. It's covered by the Human Rights Act; by the United Nations Convention on Rights of People with Disabilities. It's not something that should be hidden away. It's something that everyone needs to know has happened. UPBEAT GUITAR MUSIC Now we've had 11,985 hits. And we've set up a Facebook page for the Deaf and hard of hearing community. Uh, the page has been massive globally. I didn't realise there were that many who identified as deaf and hard of hearing. So it's just cool to have a central place that they can all come to. UPBEAT GUITAR MUSIC CONTINUES Having been not selected for Team NZ, um, for the reason of deafness, it was probably an attack on my identity. Being deaf is part of my identity and who I am and I can't change that. But it also made me think, now I understand why people` why deaf people are deaf proud, just like I'm proud of who I am and I'm deaf. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm quite capable of doing what is required to skate; to do anything. And hopefully now, after everything that's happened, we'll get more and more people speaking sign language. It's beautiful. And then I can come out more often and go to parties and not worry about being left out, because people will be able to talk to me. That'd be cool. Captions by Jake Ebdale. Edited by Jessica Boell. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015