www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015 APPLAUSE Good evening and welcome to Best Bits, the show with the best, worst and weirdest stuff from this week's TV. I'm Jesse Mulligan. Let's meet tonight's panel. Beside me, from ZM's 'Fletch, Vaughan and Megan', it's Vaughan Smith. Direct from England and here for the Comedy Festival, it's Markus Birdman. From TV ONE's When We Go To War, Shavaughn Ruakere. From TV ONE's When We Go To War, Shavaughn Ruakere. Oh yeah. Come on, now. And from Radio Hauraki, it's Jason Hoyte. And from Radio Hauraki, it's Jason Hoyte. SHAVAUGHAN: Yeah! All right, first up a clip we were alerted to on our Best Bits Facebook page by one of our viewers, Virginia Salmond. Thanks very much, Virginia. Now, on the Bachelor this week, we were treated to a long overdue kiss with Matilda. A beautiful setting, a passionate embrace and... hang on, what's that next to you? Is that a dead cat? I'm going to kiss you. I'm going to kiss you. Good. ROMANTIC MUSIC LAUGHTER Hey, Arthur, you're giving the wrong one mouth-to-mouth. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER What I love about Matilda is she uses the word 'pash' all the time. Do you have that word in England, Marcus? Pash? Do you have that word in England, Marcus? Pash? Pash? I suppose so, yeah, yeah. We're quite happy to finish the sentence, though. None of us are that busy. I feel like we're not paying enough attention to this dead cat. What about the fact that behind the dead cat, if we can get a shot of it, there looks to be one of those NZ tomato sauce bottles that looks like a tomato. Between the lanterns and the flowers? Did they have a romantic dinner of fish and chips? I've gotta say, guys, I still think the dead cat is the most remarkable thing in this scene. Have you ever been in the throes of passion, and the cat's watching you? When you start, the cat's not in the room, but the door goes... (CREAKS) open that much, and the cat sits on the end of the bed like a disapproving coach during a sports game. Like, it's like... like a disapproving coach during a sports game. Like, it's like... LAUGHTER Perhaps the cat was so disgusted with the action that it just died from watching. I think Arthur's getting more pussy than we thought. I think Arthur's getting more pussy than we thought. LAUGHTER Boom, boom! Boom, boom! Now, like a lot of shows on TV ONE, we shoot Best Bits here at TVNZ, which means sharing space with a lot of big names. As you'd expect, this can lead to tension. Last week on Seven Sharp, Mike Hosking levelled some pretty severe allegations against our show. There it is. There it is. We don't have the budget for matching glasses. We don't have the budget for the matching glasses because` We're all class. We're all class. ...you know that Best Bits programme? I know! I know! They're filming tonight, and what we find with those part-timers... They nick the glasses. They nick the glasses. ...they nick stuff. There's a lot of stealing going on at TVNZ with the part-timers. I don't want to name names, but you know Jesse Mulligan? You remember the name? Anyway... Yeah, all right, Hosking. Don't be worried about the drinking glasses. Be worried about what I do to the toothbrush in your dressing room. Be worried about what I do to the toothbrush in your dressing room. LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE Shots fired from Hosking, though. You must be feeling that. One, he was like, 'Do you remember Jesse Mulligan? And he called us part-timers and accused us of stealing glasses that match. By the way, they do. Yeah. > Yeah. > LAUGHTER Yeah. > LAUGHTER Oh, hey, wait. Mine doesn't match! Put yours back, Shavaughan. Get that down. Put yours back, Shavaughan. Get that down. I stole it! The Maori stole it! LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE Next week we'll get a shout-out from Te Karere. Next week we'll get a shout-out from Te Karere. LAUGHTER Um, I reckon you two should have a fight. I reckon you'd take Mike Hosking. I'd be careful. I reckon he'd try to get you with his pointy shoes. You know, he'd have those pointy kind of Swarovski-crystal-clad high-heeled boots, so don't let him kick you. But he would take him in a fight, right? so don't let him kick you. But he would take him in a fight, right? Totally, totally. Hosking's having a bit of fun. I was impressed he knew my name, because he didn't know my name for the whole time I was sitting next to him on the desk at Seven Sharp. Jesse, forgive my British ignorance, but what was the Seven Sharp show? I can answer that for you. It was a show Jesse was on that he got fired from. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Is that right? No, no, no. Basically, what happened is we had a really amazing year with me hosting and then just a natural kind of thing, decided to give another guy a go, so... LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Sorry I brought it up. Good to give some of the up-and-comers like Hosking a turn on the desk. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER It is nice to know that they know we exist, though, cos Pippa Wetzell threw a used tissue at me two weeks ago and said, 'Make sure this finds the bin.' I kept it. I kept it. Pippa would not do that. > All right, just about to move on to our next clip. I'll just have a little glass of 'fuck you, Hosking'. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Hey, let's all have a glass of that. LAUGHTER Hey, let's all have a glass of that. < Cheers. APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER Cheers. APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER Cheers. To the part-timers! Yeah! OK, to our next clip now, and horse jockeys have a lot to think about on race day ` getting a good start out of the gate, jostling for position, timing their final run. You cannot blame Aussie jockey Blake Shinn for letting a few things slip. I'm in Love weakened to finish back at the rear of the field. LAUGHTER It's always at the end of the race that the cracks begin to show. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER It's like that pair of jockeys needed another pair of Jockeys. < SHAVAUGHAN: Ooh, that's good. < SHAVAUGHAN: Ooh, that's good. LAUGHTER < Oh dear. < Oh dear. Did you said that was a guy? Oh, I presume it was a guy, yeah. Oh, I presume it was a guy, yeah. Very feminine` Very feminine arse, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever been driving along and you see a cyclist up ahead of you, and you go, 'Oh, that's all right,' and you turn around and it's a man and go, 'Well, look...' I have, Jess. I have, Jess. A skinny bottom's a skinny bottom. All right, time for our Best Bits awards now, where we recognise this week's outstanding moments in television. The Unusual Name Award goes to controversial reality show The GC, which is back for another series. This episode reminds us that when you're active in the dating scene, keeping safe is so important. It's crucial you keep an ear out for any potential risks. I mean, you know, Tame was with Jade Louise, and then... I mean, you know, Tame was with Jade Louise, and then... Oh yeah, and hooked up with Elise. And hooked up with her a few weeks later. And hooked up with her a few weeks later. I forgot about that. He cheated on her with that girl Chlamydia. Her name was Chlamydia. LAUGHTER Yes, he cheated on her with a girl named Chlamydia. Well, you can't say he wasn't warned. It's a bit like getting in an aeroplane with someone called Buddy Holly, isn't it? WOMAN: Oh! WOMAN: Oh! Oh, too soon, is it? WOMAN: Oh! Oh, too soon, is it? LAUGHTER If you were going to named after an STI, I think chlamydia would be the one to go for. Gonorrhoea sounds quite Shakespearean, doesn't it? Gonorrhoea sounds quite Shakespearean, doesn't it? LAUGHTER It wouldn't work if you brought your girlfriend home and said, 'This is my girlfriend, Chlamydia.' And your dad says, 'I've met you before.' And your dad says, 'I've met you before.' LAUGHTER What if you were like, um, 'Her-pes'. Yeah. < That's classy. < That's classy. Spanish, cos you'd make it sound a little foreign. Put one of those one of those... (GRUNTS) above the E's ` drags it out a bit. Her-pesss. SPANISH ACCENT: My name is Her-pesss Rodriguez. And once you have me, you have me for life. LAUGHTER It took my about a minute to get over how much that guy's hairstyle pissed me off. LAUGHTER It's just ridiculous. That's an age thing. Up until a certain age, you'll see a haircut like that and say, 'That's not for me,' and once you get to your age, Jason, you're like, 'Well, that fucks me off. 'How is that haircut allowed to exist?' Our next award now is the John Key Award, and it goes to the man with the beard in this clip from the live Lotto draw. If you attempt a handshake on live TV and get left hanging, it's always hard to know how long to wait there with your hand out. It's all yours. It's all yours. Congrats, guys! Well done. Well done. Nice work. Well done. Nice work. Congratulations. You're rich. Good one. I'm going to be back with confirmed results of tonight's... ALL: Aw. That's brutal, wasn't it? I almost felt sorry for him, and then I remembered he'd just won $250,000, so I reckon he's gonna be fine. It is one of the most shameful things when you go to high-five someone and they don't notice and dis you. When I was working in an office, my boss came back from maternity leave. She came up, and I said, 'It's so great to have you back,' and went to slap her on the shoulder. There must have been something wrong with my depth perception, and I just got her breast. We stood there with our eyes locked. 'It's great to have you back.' And there finally is the true story of why you no longer work at Seven Sharp. LAUGHTER After all this time, we've been blaming Hosking. After all this time, we've been blaming Hosking. Mike Hosking. It's time for a break now on Best Bits. We'll be back with a look at daytime TV in our topic of the week. See you soon. 1 Welcome back to Best Bits, where each week around this time we take a closer look at one particular aspect of TV. We call it our topic of the week. This week's topic is daytime TV. Now, courtroom shows like Judge Judy are a huge part of the afternoon schedule. Let's take a look at a new show from the UK where Judge Rinder is having a bit of difficulty striking the right tone. Basically, they made my life miserable living there. I had to move thanks to them and get on to my landlord. I had to move thanks to them and get on to my landlord. Outrageous! You monsters! LAUGHTER You know what's a terrible quality in a judge? When you can't tell if he's being sarcastic or not. LAUGHTER He was quite flamboyant, wasn't he? 'I find you,... (TRILLS) guilty!' Or, you know, 'Has the jury reached a verdict?' 'No.' 'Ooh, a hung jury! My favourite!' LAUGHTER LAUGHTER It's something you're not used to seeing in a courtroom. Um, Jase, I don't mean to embarrass you; I just need to check that that button is meant to be open. It's ok if it is. It's ok if it is. From this angle, I think that it definitely should be. Thanks, Shavaughn. Thanks, Shavaughn. Hello. It wasn't so much was that button supposed to be open, but was that next one supposed to be shut? You're somewhere between Paul Henry and Simon Cowell at the moment. You're somewhere between Paul Henry and Simon Cowell at the moment. LAUGHTER I think that's good. It's nice. I think that's good. It's nice. Thanks, Shavaughn. Let's take an audience vote. Let's take an audience vote. AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS To our next clip now, and on competitive cooking shows, it's important the viewer knows exactly what's causing the tension in the kitchen. On Hell's Kitchen, they achieved this by repeatedly yelling the phrase 'cream in the mash'. Hey, blue team. Who put the cream in the mashed potatoes? The truth? Hey, blue team. Who put the cream in the mashed potatoes? The truth? Who put the cream in the mash? Who put the <BLEEP>ing cream in the mashed potatoes? Did you put the cream in the mashed potatoes in the pot? Who put the cream in the mash? Who put the cream in the mash? I didn't put the cream in the mash. Who put the cream in the mash? I didn't put the cream in the mash. Who put the cream in the mash? You can play all the tense music you want, producers, but you cannot make me care who put the cream in the mash. Nothing bad can come out of putting cream in the mash. Nothing bad can come out of putting cream in the mash. I would agree with that, yeah. > Cos you put butter in and a bit of whole milk in, so if you put cream in, that's better than whole milk. Yeah. If it was like, 'Who put the wees in the mash?' Yeah. If it was like, 'Who put the wees in the mash?' LAUGHTER Sounds like a bad rap song, I you think. It's like,... (RAPS) 'Who put the cream in the mash?' LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Flavour Flav. < Yep. < Yep. Um, just trying to think of a rapper with a cooking show name. I thought that was a pretty good attempt, but obviously not. I thought that was a pretty good attempt, but obviously not. Eminem. Ice Cube. Ice Cube. PANELLISTS: Ice-T. It's harder to think of a rapper who doesn't have food in his name. It's harder to think of a rapper who doesn't have food in his name. Snoop Dogg. Oh, in some countries. AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS, LAUGHTER AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS, LAUGHTER Boom! AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS, LAUGHTER Boom! Oh! Boom! Boom! < Oh wow. I love the silver-top milk. The silver-top ` you can still get that really fatty bloody.. I hate all that bloody blue-top and bloody green-top bloody tree-hugging bullshit. 'Bloody green and bloody light-blue and bloody GC guy's haircut. 'Yeah. What's wrong with the bloody world?' Old man Hoyte on the end. 'Who put the cream in the mash and the bloody gel in that bastard's hair 'and the bloody green-top milk in the bloody fridge 'and the Colby cheese in the bloody butter conditioner, you bloody mongrel?! 'Where's the butterscotch pudding?!' 'Where's the butterscotch pudding?!' All right. OK, we go to our next clip now, and it's Real Housewives spin-off show Blood, Sweat & Heels, where the ladies attended New York Fashion Week and Mica confessed that she was born with an unusual condition. I will have the wild mushrooms and the broccolini with garlic. That's all. Thank you, ladies. Yeah, I tried to be vegan in college, and I just got really sick because I'm naturally bulimic. LAUGHTER I hate to tell you this, Mica, but bulimia is about as natural as your face and breasts. I once in the UK walked past a homeless guy and I was eating an egg sandwich, and I said, 'Oh, do you want some of this sandwich?' And he said, 'Is it free-range?' I was like, 'Dude, you live on the streets. Technically, you're free-range.' LAUGHTER LAUGHTER And smelling a little organic. LAUGHTER And smelling a little organic. LAUGHTER I liked` I can tell` This is a reality show, isn't it? I can tell that it's real because it took approximately five seconds for that vegan to tell us she's vegan. And that's quite a long time to be around a vegan without them telling you they're a vegan. OK, so, my brother and his wife have just started Paleo-ing hard, and that's all they can talk about, right. and that's all they can talk about, right. What is Paleo? Oh, you don't know? 'Course you don't know. You're from the UK. You just eat potatoes and pies and... (LAUGHS) Um, so you... I mean, she's allowed to say that to him because he's white, but if he said it to her... Shall we try it? Shall we try it? LAUGHTER Go, go, go. (LAUGHS) Go, go, go. (LAUGHS) All you ever eat is flipping bananas and yams. LAUGHTER, AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS LAUGHTER, AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS Yams and bananas! Holy shit! Oh my God! (LAUGHS) I'll... I'll distance myself from bringing that up. I thought he was gonna say pies and potatoes, but he's chosen offensive foods. Oh my God! I'd just like to say it's been nice being on the show. I'll see you again later on. He's saying goodbye because he's just been hired on The Paul Henry Show. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Oh my gosh. Vegans always tell you they're vegans. People who do CrossFit always tell you they do CrossFit. Are there any others? Are there any others? Atheists love to tell you they're atheists. Yep. Volunteer firemen always tell you they're volunteer firemen. Deaf people always tell you that they're deaf. Deaf people always tell you that they're deaf. LAUGHTER That is it for our topic of the week. We'll be back with the world's least impressive unmanned drone in our best bits from around the world. See you soon. 1 Welcome back. It's time now for the best of the TV you don't get to see in our best bits from around the world. Let's start in Portugal, where news media were invited to watch the navy show off their first ever unmanned drone. I think it went pretty well. MAN SPEAKS PORTUGUESE DRONE BUZZES LAUGHTER Well, to be fair to him, it's possible that ISIS are under the wharf. LAUGHTER When that clip played, was our navy like, 'We could beat them'? When that clip played, was our navy like, 'We could beat them'? LAUGHTER 'If, like, push comes to shove, we're going to Portugal. Now, to find out where Portugal is.' I've got a friend who's is it the SAS. He's in one of those. Um, as part of their training, he honest to goodness had to live in a bush for two weeks. Wow. > That's typical NZ military training ` all that required was the bush, and we've got heaps of that. No, he had to live in a hedge. What? What? What? Someone in Parnell's hedge? No, it wasn't the bush; it was a bush. Was he training for, like, the 'Wile E Coyote'... armed forces? 'Here comes Road Runner. Oh, in bush.' 'Here comes Road Runner. Oh, in bush.' LAUGHTER I did a thing` A playground I used to take my daughter to and has a hedge in it, and she thought it would be fun to hide behind the hedge from the monster. Father and daughter ` this will be fun, hide behind the hedge from the monster. It was fun until she disappears,... and I'm no longer a father hiding behind the hedge with his daughter. I appear to be some dude on his own hiding behind a hedge in a playground. LAUGHTER If you'd left too soon, this girl would've darted out of the hedge and you would have run after her. So there's, like... There's no right way to deal with that. Now, live TV can be unforgiving. In this clip, Croatian kids' TV host Zlata Muck attempts to show children that learning science isn't as painful as they might think. (SPEAKS CROATIAN) LAUGHTER Yes, it was a bad time to discover she was allergic to the colour pink. Yes, it was a bad time to discover she was allergic to the colour pink. LAUGHTER She fainted totally the wrong way. She fainted totally the wrong way. I` Yes! It would have been so much better if she'd ploughed through that big bulbous Bunsen beakery thing ` I failed science ` the glass bit. If she'd just gone... (WHOOSHES) Better for who? Better for who? Us! Better for who? Us! LAUGHTER It's funny, because, I guess, with men talking about health issues, we have to get our prostate checks. You know, and, um, I once went to a doctor and I had to do a medical for a show I was doing to get insurance, and I was laughing at jokes and stuff, and, anyway, he did the digit thing to me. The what? > The digit ` you know, when they put the digit in the area needed to check the prostate. OK. > OK. > In your arse, Shavaughn. And I told... And I told a joke, and I knew that he was laughing because I could feel his finger shaking. LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE I could. I could. And I tell you the other weird thing I did, because it's such a weird thing to happen. You know, you're sort of curled in the foetal position with a complete stranger sticking a finger in your bum, and I found myself for some` and I think this is what made him laugh, I just started whistling. LAUGHTER (WHISTLES TUNE) You know, just to try and get over that awkward part of the procedure. I had a` Being of a certain age, I have to have the same procedure, and my doctor said to me, 'We're going to need to do this annually,' and I went, 'I know.' LAUGHTER I tell you what, if I was a doctor in charge of giving those exams, my ads in the newspaper would just be me with really, like, small knuckles, as if to say, 'Come on in.' as if to say, 'Come on in.' Like long fingers but thin fingers. That's right. In fact, I'd call myself Dr Thin Fingers. That's right. In fact, I'd call myself Dr Thin Fingers. LAUGHTER That is our show for another week. My thanks to the panellists, our studio audience and to you at home. Before we go, let's take a look at our clip of the week, and Drew Carey's lovely assistant Manuela on The Price is Right has two jobs ` to look beautiful and to remove the number card chosen by the contestant. Well, at least she's good at one of them. $19,000; 21,000; 18,000; 20,000; 22,000. Which one is it? $19,000; 21,000; 18,000; 20,000; 22,000. Which one is it? AUDIENCE CALLS OUT $19,849. $19,849. 19,849. Go ahead, Manuela. Ooh. No. Oh! LAUGHTER Manuela just gave you a car! PEOPLE CHEER LAUGHTER Game's over, folks. Poor Manuela. Not pretty enough to be Miss Colombia, not smart enough to turn over the right piece of cardboard. Until next week, fuck you, Hosking. Until next week, fuck you, Hosking. LAUGHTER Until next week, fuck you, Hosking. LAUGHTER See you next week. Goodnight! AUDIENCE CHEERS Captions by Pippa Jefferies. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015