www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015 APPLAUSE, CHEERING Hello, good evening and welcome to Best Bits, the show with the best worst and weirdest stuff of the week's TV. I'm Jesse Mulligan. Let's meet tonight's panel. Beside me from the ZM breakfast show, it's Vaughan Smith! Beside me from the ZM breakfast show, it's Vaughan Smith! APPLAUSE, CHEERING All the way from Australia ` Claire Hooper! All the way from Australia ` Claire Hooper! APPLAUSE, CHEERING Check out his comedy festival show. It's Rhys Mathewson. Check out his comedy festival show. It's Rhys Mathewson. Yay! APPLAUSE, CHEERING And another festival star all the way from Canada ` Craig Campbell! And another festival star all the way from Canada ` Craig Campbell! APPLAUSE, CHEERING Welcome to all of you. And of course the big news this week is a new royal baby. Yes, the birth of Charlotte Elizabeth Diana was a major news event, with media right around the globe devoting all of their resources to the story. In the US, they covered it like this. WOMAN: And it is a girl. In the UK, they covered it like this. And in NZ, we sent a girl along with a dodgy cell phone. The baby that's born here at this hospital will be fourth in line to the throne. The old selfie presentation there from Jessica Mutch, our London correspondent. And if you enjoyed that, wait till you see her sketch of the new baby. And if you enjoyed that, wait till you see her sketch of the new baby. LAUGHTER That wasn't even a selfie stick. It was` It was old school. She just went arm. Yeah. > Just held it at arm's length. Didn't both cleaning the front-facing camera after it had been pushed against her greasy forehead. It must be hard to read the news doing duck face. But not impossible, Rhys. Uh, there's been a new baby come up. Uh, there's been a new baby come up. LAUGHTER Does anyone else feel really sorry for her, that she's a girl? You know, like, who'd be a princess? If you're a prince, you can smoke weed and you can get nude with bitches in Vegas. Have you got a daughter? Have you got a daughter? I've got a daughter. I didn't want a daughter. I didn't want all of that. Really? > Really? > No, no. I didn't want all of that. I didn't want to have to deal with body image, sexting, date rape. I didn't` Don't get me wrong, I know young men have problems too, but they don't bring out my anxieties. I didn't want to deal with that. Vaughan has two daughters. I've got two daughters. Vaughan has two daughters. I've got two daughters. Oh. I hadn't thought of it, but now you've put it in my mind. I was happy, king of my castle with my two lovely little princesses. (SIGHS) (SIGHS) LAUGHTER (SIGHS) LAUGHTER Was. All right, to TV3's 6pm bulletin now, and I've said it before ` Mike McRoberts is a great news man. And why? Because he takes the time to make everything very clear. And, Hilary, that's it from here for the time being. HILARY: Mike, thank you. HILARY: Mike, thank you. Hilary, that's it for the time being. Thanks, Mike. Mike McRobot, 3 News. You know what? Her second 'thank you, Mike' wasn't as good as his second 'that's it from me'. I mean, his got better. Hers got worse. She was like, 'Thanks, Mike'. His second one was so much better than the first. Don't you wish he'd done a third just for a real, like, just a full, 'Hilary, that's it from here! 'Good night!' 'Good night!' LAUGHTER I got the feeling from that he was ready to come home. He was like, 'That's all from here, Hilary. She's like, 'Thanks, Mike.' He's like, 'No, really, like...' She did acknowledge it like when Grandpa tells the same story twice, didn't she? 'Y-Yes, that's right, Dad. 'That's right, Dad. A-Another Anzac biscuit? Good story, Dad.' Do you play along? When your grandparents are telling you the second story and you've heard it, do you go with it? Cos my brother was always the grandkid that was like, 'You've told us this.' Wouldn't that have been brilliant if Hilary did that, just went, 'You already said that, Mike!' To our next clip now. To our next clip now. LAUGHTER The chat show The Beat Goes On screens on a small NZ channel called Face Television. Just because their budgets are a bit lower than everyone else's doesn't mean they struggle with technology. Is there any way we can put your telephone number on the screen and they can give you a call? Yes, or on my webpage, which is www.helenriley.co.nz OK, let's start right there ` www... OK, let's start right there ` www... ...Dot Helen... OK, let's start right there ` www... ...Dot Helen... ...Dot Helen Riley. All one` All one` One word. Dot co dot NZ. All one` One word. Dot co dot NZ. Dot NZ. < 07... < 07... 07... < 07... 07... < ...triple 8, 5, double 8, 9. That's pretty simple, isn't it? That's pretty simple, isn't it? It is. Or 0274 57 10 47. 57 10 47. (GROANS) Yes, that was from Face TV, and if you've ever watched Face TV, chances are you're an employee of Face TV. You know when you ring somewhere, and they need your phone number to call you back, and you start telling them your phone number, and you're like, '021...' Then there's this weird pause and you don't know if they're ready for the next digits, so you start. You're like, '84,' and they're like, '021!' And you're like, 'Oh, um, 84...' 'OK, 021 84 84...' 'No, not the second 84, cos you were talking over the 84, so I didn't know you heard the 84. 021...' 'Wait a minute! www...' LAUGHTER Alright, time for our Best Bits Awards now, where we recognise this week's outstanding achievements in television. First up it's the Get In Behind award, and it goes to the Crusaders rugby team, who this week tried out an impressive new move at training. MAN YELLS ORDER A face full of Dominic Bird's backside for this trainer. Hey, mate, this is a rugby team. Forcing your head into a player's bottom with a giant rubber band is more of an after-party kind of a thing. is more of an after-party kind of a thing. LAUGHTER Worst thing is he goes home and his wife's like, 'You never do that for me! 'I've always asked you to plunge your face deep into my buttocks, 'but you've always said, "I've got a headache."' What is he trying to do? Cos` How is that ever going to work out for the small guy in slippery shoes being dragged around on elastic by the giant with sprigs on? LAUGHTER To our next award now, it's the Strict Enforcement award. Goes to this policeman, who reminds us that in NZ, the speed limit is the speed limit, no matter what you're driving. The accident happened just hours after a police crackdown on driver behaviour on the beach. Police told 3 News the driver of the vehicle had earlier been warned not to drive on the sand dunes. Yes, unfortunately, that was the horse's third offence, and Judith Collins was force to crush him down into a pony. and Judith Collins was force to crush him down into a pony. LAUGHTER That was, like, what, 48 K's? That's pretty fast for a vehicle without only 1 horsepower. That's pretty fast for a vehicle without only 1 horsepower. LAUGHTER I have to say, as a foreign person to the country, seeing a police officer with a radar gun on a beach brought to mind ` do you have any other crime in this country? brought to mind ` do you have any other crime in this country? LAUGHTER Do you have any idea how fast you were going? 'Oh, well, I started off at a... (IMITATES HOOVES CLOPPING) 'But I think when you clocked me, I was more of a... (IMITATES HOOVES TROTTING) How fa`?' 'No, actually, you were a... (IMITATES HOOVES GALLOPING)' Hard to tell. I've actually seen police pursuing people down a beach on horses. It was at Gisborne one year at Rhythm and Vines. These people were fangin' down the beach on horses, and the police were chasing on their four-wheel drive motorbike. The horses were, like, gone. The police couldn't catch them. It was so fantastic, you couldn't help but cheer for the guy on the horse. It was like, 'He's on a horse!' And he's out running the cop on a motorbike! Go, bad guy! And he's out running the cop on a motorbike! Go, bad guy! LAUGHTER It's time for a break now on Best Bits. We'll be back with a look at news in our Topic of the Week. See you soon. q Yay! Hey, welcome back to Best Bits, where each week around this time, we take a closer look at one particular aspect of TV. We call it our Topic of the Week, and this week's topic is news. Now, the spokesman for Ireland's Association of Pensions, Jeff Moriarty, was asked to appear on a local news show looking busy around the office. I still don't understand the issues involved, but personally I found his typing a little unconvincing. ...either by increasing contributions or cutting benefits. It's believed this will force tough decisions. Mate, I hate dirty keyboards as much as you do, but this is not the answer. That was the best Alt-Tab out of porn at work fake typing I've ever seen. Huh? What? Accounts? Excel? You wouldn't understand it. Nobody does. Have you ever done the one where you're doing calculations and you go to add up in Excel, but you've got to find the one that adds up the cells above it? You've just got like an 8 and a 6, and you're trying to do the equation, and you're wife's going, 'It's 14.' You're like, 'It doesn't matter! I want it to do it automatically! Don't tell me my business, woman! I'm formatting cells. Can I just say that to my generation, this conversation is exactly the same as www.helenriley... www.helenriley... LAUGHTER ...co.nz ...co.nz Do they teach Excel in schools now, Rhys? Yes, they do. And that's why I'm Excel-ent at it. Yes, they do. And that's why I'm Excel-ent at it. LAUGHTER My laptop doesn't do the Control-X, Control-V. You know, like, you don't realise how much you need cut and paste until you don't have hot keys for it. It is driving me crazy, this, cos I let the baby pat the keyboard one day, and it is` and the Control key went. And it is just like I literally have lost control. Thanks to my baby. Thanks to my baby. I got 96% in my typing. Wow. Fantastic. That must've been astounding for the people marking the test, being like, '96%? But did you see him in the exam?' That guy couldn't be a travel agent. Have you ever been to a travel agent lately? Very loud typers. They, like, slam the keyboard. Where do you wasn't to go? Argentina. They're just so... Nah, you know what it is? It's suppressed anger that you're going on the trip and they're not. Oh, Argentina again, is it? (CRIES) (CRIES) I hear South America's lovely this time of year. I find that when you call up a bank or something, they're like, 'OK, so what's your name?' And you say, you know, 'Mulligan.' And then for, like, 30 minutes you hear... 'Just calling up your, uh, file here.' 'And what number do you live at?' '9.' Now, you have to be careful what you say on live TV. This week in Australia, Samantha Armytage, host of Sunrise, accidentally came across just a little tinsy bit racist. One of the sisters is obviously black. The other is white. The Alma twins comes from a mixed-race family in the UK. Maria has taken after her half Jamaican mum, with dark skin and brown eyes and curly dark hair, but Lucy got her dad's fair skin ` good on her. LAUGHTER (LAUGHS) Yeah, you could've both been white if your sister had tried just a little harder. Cos he's normally the one that says something a little bit off about breastfeeding in public or something, and he's the one that traditionally gets in trouble, and you can see she says that, and he just looks at her, like... 'It's you today!' I thought he had a look on his face like, 'Great, now I'll have to go to court (!)' She has subsequently been fired from the show. Has she? > Has she? > Yeah, but she now is the Australian Minister for Internal Affairs. LAUGHTER What was her defence later? Didn't her defence come out, and she was like, 'Nononononono! I just meant that isn't it lucky that she's just white, like, 'because it's nice. And I'm white. 'All the good people I know are white.' 'All the good people I know are white.' LAUGHTER All right, now to ABC in the New York for an insight into what newsreaders do when they think they're not on camera. ABC morning update. LAUGHTER (GASPS) Why did they`?! LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Ohhh! And by the way, a camera shot of what's happening right now at a local creek is not what we mean by live streaming. is not what we mean by live streaming. LAUGHTER Thanks very much. You look at her, and you can tell she's a parent. Cos the thing is I used to be quite a good dancer. Like, actually` You know, like, a really` I was great. And then I had a baby, and I just felt almost immediately` You have a kid, and as soon as you have the energy to try it out, you get in front of the mirror, and you're like, 'Have I still got it?' And then you just go... 'Oh no, I'm a mum!' And I can't go back! I can't do the good stuff any more. The post-natal shuffle. The post-natal shuffle. Yeah. The post-natal shuffle. Yeah. LAUGHTER I have noticed mums also` The thing she didn't do, but the other thing I love that mums do is they clap. Then she would have sung every line in the chorus wrong. Then she would have sung every line in the chorus wrong. LAUGHTER Every` Every mum does that. And then she would have had a drink while she danced. LAUGHTER All right, now we go to BBC World and newsreader Jonathan Charles. Here's a clip of him finding out the hard way how important it is to look out for commas. This is BBC World News. I'm Jonathan Charles kept hidden for almost two decades and forced to bear children. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER And now you're a BBC presenter. You really have turned your life around. Nah, there's no way he's had more than one child. Look at those perky titties. If I had escaped a dungeon, I totally would start the news that way every day as well. Tonight's top story ` still really chuffed not to be underground. Yeah, make newsreaders introduce themselves with their greatest accomplishment. I'm Hilary Barry, and I've had three children. You'd never guess. Tonight's top stories... Hi, I'm Paul Henry, and I've alienated an entire country. Hi, I'm Paul Henry, and I've alienated an entire country. LAUGHTER Hi, I'm Jesse Mulligan. LAUGHTER Peow, peow, peow! Hi, I'm Jesse Mulligan, and I murdered a panellist on Best Bits. Hi, I'm Jesse Mulligan, and I murdered a panellist on Best Bits. LAUGHTER And that is it for our topic of the week. We'll be back after the break with the worst jet pack of all time in our Best Bits From Around the World. See you soon. q Welcome back. It's time now for the best of the TV you don't get to see in our Best Bits From Around the World. To San Diego now, where the local news show kicked off with a cross to the boat show where the reporter was standing by with a special guest. Good morning, everybody. I'm with my friend John. Fox 5 Morning News starts ` Look over there. Look over there. And it starts right now! Oh. LAUGHTER This is your Fox 5 News. BOTH LAUGH WOMAN: Oh my God! Have you ever been on one of these things? Have you ever been on one of these things? < Jet packs? No. No. They've got ones you can control with your hands and your feet, and recently I was in Fiji, and there was an ad for it at the port where you leave to go to the islands. My brother-in-law and I were there. 'That looks so awesome. I'd love to give that a go.' And we just heard this mumble from behind us going, 'Don't do it,' We looked at each other and slowly turned around, and there's this women with, like, a mangled face and her arm in a cast, going, 'Don't do it. It's not as easy as it looks.' So apparently she'd gone up and been like, 'This is easy,' and then straight down, and the jets had just smashed her into coral and then just dragged her along the floor. LAUGHTER Rhys, would you ever give this a go? Rhys, would you ever give this a go? Absolutely. Are you kidding me? I think you'd be awesome on this. > I think you'd be awesome on this. > That looks like something an evil villain would do. How do they work? Are you just hooked up to a fire hose or something? There's a massive pump. You might've seen there was a hose trailing, and he can only go so far. When you said he's like an evil villain, he'd be the worst evil villain in the world. You'll never catch me, Mr Bond! And then I just do this and pull him down. And then I just do this and pull him down. LAUGHTER They wouldn't even need to do that. It would just be... They wouldn't even need to do that. It would just be... LAUGHTER Just, oh, yeah, bend the hose. To basketball now, where earlier this week, the Brooklyn Nets beat the Atlanta Hawks, and reporter Sarah Kustok was in charge of the post-match interviews. As a sports reporter, it's important to sound like a credible journalist and not sound like, I don't know, a seal in heat. Let's go to Sarah Kustok. GRUNTS: Uh, er, uh, er, ooh, oh... We're at the court here. We're excited. Yeah, we're excited. We're excited about all the other careers open to us now we're about to lose our job as a sports reporter. as a sports reporter. LAUGHTER You know, I get like that around hot guys as well. I can't put together good` like, eloquent sentences. See. Stumbled on that. Compliment taken. See. Stumbled on that. Compliment taken. (LAUGHS) I don't know if that laugh sounded like a very positive, sort of, feedback loop. I just think she was southern. You can tell how southern a state a person in America is from by how many noises they have to make before they get to the words. If they're from New York, they'll talk normally. And then it would be, like, down to New Orleans, they'll be like, 'Yeeeeep, I'm from New Orleans.' Then you get to Alabama. It's like, 'Hep bop dep a dep dep bop a dep dep bop, tractoooor.' Tractor. And scene. And scene. LAUGHTER Well, it might be duck-hunting season in NZ, but it's also turkey-hunting season in San Diego. I don't know if you've ever tried to imitate a bird call, but remember, technique is everything. One way to do a turkey call is with this gobbler, and it has a little diaphragm in it that allows the air to vibrate. You should try it. I would love to. I would love to. Go ahead. I wanna see this. (GOBBLES) (GOBBLES) No... (LAUGHS) LAUGHTER Well, she's certainly knows how to gobble. Who would've thought you're doing a morning show, they're like, 'The guy's gonna teach us how to gobble like a turkey. You're like, 'There's no way I could end up looking like the stupidest person this morning'. Oh, I'd love to see her try out other things for the first time. 'A vacuum, you say? 'How does one use it? 'Oh, so this is a telescope that will allow me to look at the stars. LAUGHTER That is our show for another week. My thanks to the panellists, our studio audience and to you at home. Before we go, let's take a look at our Clip of the Week. Now, as you know, John Campbell is a true man of the people. The problem comes when there's only 10 seconds left in his show and the people just won't shut up. I wish take this opportunity ` watch TV3,... (LAUGHS) Go, Thomas. ...and Mr Campbell give me this opportunity to pay my gratitude to all my people in NZ and through the year I cook for them, I love to cook for them every minute. And, um, is nothing` nothing is, um, much of a secret of my cooking. Is by hard working, and the hygienes is important and the best fresh water, special seafood and, uh, care for the customer and always treat any customer equally, the best I can. the best I can. Thomas, I'm getting the p` I'm getting the p` Oh! That wasn't hygiene. LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE Yes, thank you for watching. That's Campbell Live and also most of X Factor. Thank you for watching this week. We'll see you next week on Best Bits. Goodnight, goodnight! Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015