www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015 APPLAUSE Well, hello. Good evening, and welcome to Best Bits ` the show with all the best, worst and weirdest of this week's TV. I'm Jesse Mulligan, and let's meet this week's panel. Beside me, from the ZM Breakfast show, it's Vaughan Smith. CHEERING, APPLAUSE Star of comedy festival show Just a Fully Naked Encounter, it's Harley Breen. CHEERING, APPLAUSE From TV ONE's When We Go To War ` Shavaughn Ruakere. CHEERING, APPLAUSE And from Radio Hauraki, it's Jason Hoyte! CHEERING, APPLAUSE Welcome team, and to our first clip. Well, the future of the Warriors' home stadium is the hot topic of the moment. ONE News went out to film the opinions of some people on the street, one of whom was particularly passionate. REPORTER: Plans to move the move the Warriors are causing a bit of an uproar. No way. It's stupid to make them move. Who the hell is gonna waste the gas to go all the way to North Shore? LAUGHTER Yes, the only thing harder than getting a South Aucklander to visit the North Shore is getting someone from the North Shore to visit South Auckland. LAUGHTER I wish she'd been on the Bachelor. She would have been a good contestant, eh? 'Why the hell did you pashing me and pashing 21 other girls at the same time?' She was wearing YOLO earrings. Did you see that? Yeah. Yeah. Fashion (!) One of the girls from The Bachelor is going to be on Dancing With the Stars. Chrystal. Yeah. > Yeah? What do we think? AUDIENCE BOOS Ooh! There's a bit of hate for Chrystal in the room. She was the, um,... the bitchy blonde one, wasn't she? Yeah, she was sort of the villain of The Bachelor. Right. Yeah. So she wasn't the friendly blonde one or the tall blonde one,... LAUGHTER ...the slightly chubby blonde one...? No. > The bitchy blonde one? Wasn't there the, uh, farty blonde one? There was the farty blonde one, yes. I liked her. She was good. Yes. There was the one brown girl, but she went in episode one, thankfully (!) LAUGHTER It was quite hard to remember which one she was. 'We fulfilled the brown quota. Get her out.' Wasn't Jason Gunn meant to host Dancing With the Stars? I thought that was the whole idea of TV3 launching Dancing With the Stars. I don't know. And then Dominic Bowden's doing it, like everything else. Do they get a Dominic Bowden discount book or some shit? LAUGHTER Like, is he like a coffee card? He's hosted five things; he gets the next one for free? (LAUGHS) And basically with that show, doesn't everyone end up rooting the person they're dancing with as well? You know what I mean? I remember that last one, there was that, uh... < SHAVAUGHN SNICKERS ...that Shane Cortese from Shortland Street. He's dancing with that Nerida, and they're always flirting, and they're, like, 'No, there's nothing going on. Nothing going on. We're both happily married,' then suddenly... (SINGS) 'The Women's Day...' LAUGHTER She's` She's back, though. Eh? > She's doing it again. If I was Shane, I would be, like, 'No.' 'Not happening.' 'No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 'Fool another man once, shame on him. But, uh, fool that` No, you're not doing Dancing With the Stars.' LAUGHTER All right, now to TV ONE favourite Fair Go ` a show that's been investigating scams and shonky practises for nearly 40 years. Kiwis know by now that you can always trust Fair Go to uncover the truth. Now, I can waddle, and I can quack. (QUACKS) But, uh, of course, I'm not a duck. LAUGHTER Weirdly, Gordon then took his own head off, and it actually was a duck. LAUGHTER 'I can waddle and quack, but I'm not a duck' is exactly what a duck would say... Yeah. > ...if it wanted us to believe it was not a duck. All I'm saying is, don't trust ducks. LAUGHTER Yeah, yeah. They're not to be trusted. No. No. They can do everything. Huh? They can fly, they can walk, they can swim. Phwoar. They can eat an ungodly amount of bread and never seem to put on any weight. I don't know about you guys, but a few days of toast, and I really feel it. And they do poos and wees at the exact same time. You know how I know he wasn't a duck? Cos he was holding a script, and he was wearing a sailor suit. Or he could be a sailor. That doesn't mean he's not a duck. That's true. I don't understand why he's got a top on and no pants, though. LAUGHTER Like, I understand the hat ` could be sunny ` but why don't you...? If you could only choose top of bottoms, what would you go for? If I` To walk out into the world? If I could choose a shirt or pants? < Yeah, for one day. It's best for everyone I choose pants. LAUGHTER Now, we occasionally hear complaints that the Royal Family are out of touch. But not this week. After an hour of reading through the website Urban Dictionary, Prince Charles was ready to give his son Harry a good ribbing. Whatever the case is, I'm sure he'll be happy down under, because of the Aussies' reported fondness for rangas. LAUGHTER Ah, yes, the carefree banter between two men who know they'll never be king. LAUGHTER He does a bit of acid on that 'r-r-rangas!' Yeah. > Like he was like, 'You're not my r-r-real kid!' And old people, as well, you know, with me, Jess, need to be careful when they try and use... young person's language. Hipster slang. Like hipster slang, you know? For example, my dad` my dad ` and I've spoken to him about it so many times ` he says, 'I'll come over soon', but it's 'cum' as in C-U-M. LAUGHTER You don't wanna get a text from your dad late at night that says, 'Cumming!' LAUGHTER Exactly, Jess. You know, it's happened to me in the last couple of years ` I used to tell a joke, people will laugh, and now I tell the exact same joke, people are going, 'Oh, dad joke.' I reckon something that makes it a dad joke is when you give a little look around as you're telling it. It comes with dad, like, you don't wanna say anything inappropriate in front of your kids. You might be, like, 'Blah, blah, blah...' (PAUSES) 'Blah, blah, blah,' then you keep going. But it looks like you're like, 'Everybody listening? Everybody listening? 'Dad's telling a funny joke.' LAUGHTER And 'dad jokes' you can always tell, too, because they always emphasise the punchline. So it's like, 'Blah, blah, blah, blah...' (LOUDLY) 'a ranga!' LAUGHTER And they do that thing with their tongue. LAUGHTER Like, James Hewitt is the dad, right? Are we...? Do we...? I know everyone thinks that guy's the dad, but I don't think the timings match up. I don't think Diana was... How do you know?! Because I've looked into it. Because I've felt sorry for Prince Harry. He's a nice guy. He's probably watching Best Bits tonight from his hotel room, wherever he is in NZ. Hello. Um... And who is your dad? I don't know. LAUGHTER I don't think it's Hewitt, because I think they've lined up the timeline, and Hewitt and Diana were not a thing. SHAVAUGHN: Oh... You're such a royals fan, you've actually bought the commemorative ovulation chart of Princess... LAUGHTER < ...Diana in 1984. It was hot seller! It came out on tea towels! It was, like, 'These here are our most fertile days, Diana. Get into that. Get into it here.' All right. It's time for our Best Bits awards now, where we recognise this week's outstanding moments in television. First up is the Tidy Kiwi Award. This goes to the team at ASB Securities for demonstrating their commitment to recycling. Who cares if the office is beaming out live on TV3 news? It's important to put out the bottles on time. And we've got nonfarm payrolls out tonight. That's the key US labour market release. So there's quite a bit to keep an eye on for the rest of the week. BOTTLES CLINK LOUDLY Chris, thank you. Goodnight. And that's just the Chardonnay Hilary Barry's drunk since she started working with Paul Henry. LAUGHTER It would have been so much more realistic if when that crashy-bottle sound happened, someone in their undies ran with their recycling bin behind them, going, 'Wait here! Wait a minute!' LAUGHTER Don't go yet! Recycling's pretty big. That was a TV3 news clip. Recycling's pretty big over at Mediaworks. Like, Chrystal just finished on The Bachelor, and they've already given her a quick rinse out, and she's gonna be on Dancing With the Stars. LAUGHTER All right. Next up, the Touchy Feely Award goes to Korbin Sims of the Newcastle Knights, who had an unusual way of saying hello to his old friend Willie Mason. OK, Marcus, stay square. Righto. (LAUGHS) What is going on in there? LAUGHTER Apparently just before that, the coach told him to put the squeeze on Willie. LAUGHTER I think it's romantic. LAUGHTER It's lovely. Two mates who haven't seen each other for a while ` 'Hello, champ!' LAUGHTER Best thing is that Willie Mason obviously has brothers, cos he didn't flinch. Right? That's the thing ` cos I've got brothers. You never ever flinch. They'll beat it out of you. Cos if you flinch, they get two free hits. But the embarrassing thing for Willie was it was more` it was more of a nipple squeeze. LAUGHTER You know, he's tiny. A bit like he was changing the radio station. LAUGHS: Yeah. Changing the dial there. But, I mean, I don't know ` I think that's how Australian men greet each other. Yes. You know? They just grab each other's genitals, and all you've gotta hope for in that situation is that they don't have a firm handshake. LAUGHTER Well, I'd say you'd hope they do. < Well, yeah, maybe. He goes like this to the ref ` he goes... But he's not going, 'That guy just grabbed my dick.' He's going, 'Can we get on with this or...?' LAUGHTER All right. Time for a break now on Best Bits. We're going to back now with a look at travel shows in our Topic of the Week. See you soon. 1 Hey, welcome back to Best Bits, where each week, around this time, we take a closer look at one particular aspect of TV. We call it our Topic of the Week. And this week's topic is travel. Now, Amazing Race host Phil Keoghan is the best in the business. He's won eight Emmy Awards, and why? Because he's not afraid to call it like it is. GENTLE MUSIC Black family,... LAUGHTER ...you're the last team to arrive. SOMBRE MUSIC LAUGHTER Race is such a tricky thing to talk about, isn't it? So, Shavaughn, why don't you do the jokes for this? Sure. Do you think Phil had actually just forgotten their surname? Just when they ran up, he was like, 'Black family...' (LAUGHS) It's the first time I've seen a black person come last in a race too. LAUGHTER I actually really like all those shows ` Amazing Race, Survivor. Remember Fear Factor? < Yes. I saw an episode of Fear Factor where they ` three of them ` did it as well ` contestants ` drank a blended up rat. ALL EXCLAIM Did anyone see that? And this was, like, the days before your, like, NutriBullet. It was your standard kitchen blender. They don't blend shit, do they? (LAUGHS) I used to live in Wellington, and on a Wednesday night, I'd go to local pub Fat Ladies Arms, and I had this job where I had to, like, run this, like, Fear Factor at the Fat Ladies Arms. So we made up the stunts ourselves. And it was kinda cool. People would do anything except the difference is, like, an American will eat a blended rat for $50,000; a Kiwi student will do it for a T-shirt. LAUGHTER We had some guys, like, 'This is really great. Have you got any more?' LAUGHTER 'It's the first decent meal I've had in weeks.' LAUGHTER All right. Well, My Big Redneck Vacation gets to the heart of what travelling is all about ` visiting exciting places and seeing the world's greatest landmarks with your own eyes. UPBEAT MUSIC Get ready to look up to the left at the Empire State Building. Look up at the Empire... ALL OOH AND AAH There it is. This is very interesting. All right, We've got a Kmart. TRAVELLERS SCREAM: Kmart! Whoo! LAUGHTER Yes. Well, she's a tough choice ` home of the world's tallest building or home of the world's largest customers. LAUGHTER It is a` Kmart, I believe, is a place that you can buy alcohol and guns. Yeah. > So he's right to be excited. LAUGHTER Funnily enough, probably you can, too, from the Empire State Building souvenir shop. LAUGHS: Yeah, that's right. Are you not like that when you're overseas and you see something from home? I'm shocking at it. I'm, like, to my wife, 'They've got Burger King here!' LAUGHTER I don't know why I did, but in Australia, it's Hungry Jacks, isn't it? It is, yeah. 'That's weird. They call it Hungry Jack's here!' LAUGHTER 'Now, what do you call a BK Chicken with cheese, then?' 'Call it a Hungry Jack's chicken with cheese.' '(GASPS) They call it a Hungry Jack's chicken with cheese!' Amazing! I'll have one of those. All right. To our next clip now, and this Dutch reporter was asking for trouble, filming around the men's toilets in a music festival. Even so, we're not sure anyone could have predicted this. (CHUCKLES) (SPEAKS DUTCH) Oh. Oh. RAP MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY BEST BITS AUDIENCE GROANS AMERICAN ACCENT: This isn't a urinal, is it? (LAUGHS) I think it is, man. Christ! Whoa. LAUGHTER Yeah, but, hey, don't forget to try one of those tasty blue mints before you go (!) LAUGHTER But why would you see yellow foamy water and go, 'That's where I'm cleaning my hands.' Uh, when you've got the full-on piss going on, we used to play ice hockey. You know, with your stream. That's a lot of fun. Ping! Ping! Do you try and write your name? In my youth, I did. LAUGHTER I don't have a short way of spelling my name. Cos 'Vaughan' is seven letters, and that's quite, like, long. And you're, like, V... and then you've gotta... (INHALES) That's the hardest part, I think, about this myth about writing your name in the snow or the dirt or the` the sand. Urinating, then stopping. (SUCKS IN BREATH) SLOWLY: Have you heard of cursive? LAUGHTER I'm more of a block capitals guy. Cursive's very hard to read. Does it say 'Vaughan'? Does it say 'Warren'? I'll never know who pissed here! LAUGHTER Do all the ladies in the audience know about the urinal lollies? The little cake things? Yeah. Yeah. > Yeah. Cos I was going to the toilet once, and some dad brought his daughter in and was like, 'Wait there.' And he started going to the toilet. And at the urinal next to him, she went, 'What are these?' and just grabbed, like, two hands of them, and he was like, 'Waaaaait!' And it was just, like,... (DRAMATICALLY) 'Ahhhhhh.' SHRILLY: 'Wait!' 'Ohhhhhh!' SCREAMS: 'WAIT! 'Ohhhhh!' And then he was just, like, one hand, and he was, like, bang! It was like ninja dad. It was exactly what he'd trained all those years for. Now that's it for our Topic of the Week. We're gonna be back soon with the world's most inappropriate game show prize in our Best Bits From Around the World. See you soon. 1 Hey, welcome back to Best Bits. It's time now for the Best of the TV you don't get to see in our Best Bits From Around the World. Now, there's a lot of different types of milk out there these days ` trim milk, soy milk, almond milk. This week on MasterChef America, Gordon Ramsay revealed the one type of milk he's not so keen on. I am making a baked macaroni cheese with a major twist. And what's the twist? Breast milk. LAUGHTER I hate it when I see recipes on cooking shows I can't possibly make at home. LAUGHTER Imagine her making scrambled eggs, though. It'd be... I'll tell you, a very confronting moment as a young father, for me, was, uh, when I was showering with my newborn baby and, um, he latched on to my nipple. SHAVAUGHN: Wow. You know that you've got a problem with your breast when your kid's like, 'No, that's Mum.' LAUGHTER Did you ever have any of that sympathetic pregnancy stuff? I got, like, a... gut. LAUGHTER But was that because`? It's unfair because she's lost the baby weight, but I can't shake it. Yeah. > They say breastfeeding would help. That's probably where I went wrong. Did you get a gut because for nine months you were the designated driver? Is that what happened? Yeah, that! And just, she'd be like, 'I want a... a big sticky bun, but I'm not eating one by myself.' Yeah. > And you're like, 'Oh God! Put a gun to my head. I'll eat a sticky bun!' And then... (LAUGHS) And they go on, too, when they give birth, don't they? 'You don't know how it was`' (SNORTS) You're in this one on your own! Jesus! When my wife gave birth, I was lying` If you can imagine my double bed ` I was lying flat across my bed, right, and I was supporting my wife under her shoulders, and she was on the side of the bed giving birth. Mate, I was in so much agony because` LAUGHTER Seriously. I'm being deadly serious. No one was holding my legs. (CHUCKLES) And so I was bearing her weight for the entire birth. And everyone was concerned about her, and I'm, like, 'For fuck's sake!' You know? LAUGHTER I think when your wife sees this, you're going to get so much sex (!) So much. (SIGHS) You know. Now, Ninja Warrior UK pits competitors against challenging obstacle course. In this clip, 67-year-old Angela Rodway step up and shows the younger challengers exactly what a senior citizen can do. Do you call her Nanny Ninja? Yeah. Yes? Everyone, give it up for Angela Rodway! CHEERING, APPLAUSE MAN: Here goes. 67-year-old Angela. MAN: And Angela's having a go. BUZZER SOUNDS, AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS I'd like to imagine she was pushing her St John medic-alert bracelet. And they're like, 'Angela, it's St John. Where are ya?' And she's like, 'I'm on the bottom of a pool.' (LAUGHS) 'Come quickly. I've fallen!' I think she did a great job. My grandmother hasn't left the house in 10 years. She's been dead for 15, but... LAUGHTER That was, like, full-on Wipeout, sort of, angled... Like a turned-up edge on a mat is a hazard for an old person. That whole floor was like that. How did she not die, eh? That looked... No, she did. Oh OK. > LAUGHTER She's dead now. LAUGHTER To our next clip now, and when you're drinking alcohol on the job, it's important to keep a low profile. Like this lion mascot for this Austrian sports team. Yeah, sure he had a few quiets to celebrate his birthday, but I think he covers it up pretty well. BEST BITS AUDIENCE LAUGHS Yes, I guess now we know why the Lion King skipped over Simba's teenage years. LAUGHS Has anyone actually had a job as a mascot? Yes. Have you? Yes. Yes. I was, um, Wally the Wombat for the Auckland Warriors ` the NZ Warriors. Wow. > Wally the Wombat? > Wally the wombat. We don't have wombats in this country. Um, yeah we do. Let me explain. OK, I'll give you pavlova, but you're not having wombats. The reason Wally the Wombat was created was because when Australian teams came over here and played the Warriors, right, every time the Australian team scored against the Warriors at home, like, the crowd went silent, because it was just a downer for everyone. So they basically created this comedy character called Wally the Wombat, and, uh, I would just go around the crowd, and when the Australian team scored, just make a big fuss about it and went, 'Whoo! Whoo!' And basically people would throw things like bins and shit at me. LAUGHTER So basically you were to rugby league what Chrystal was to The Bachelor. Exactly. All right. To the UK election now, where Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg wasn't going to let a young man's wardrobe malfunction interrupt his campaign. Hey, guys. Yep. Oops. LAUGHTER And notice his security guards ` they're like, 'Yes, we will take a bullet for you, but we will not go near a student with no pants on.' I love our` You know if that had happened to John Key ` they guy's pants would have come down, and John Key would have been like, 'Oh! Pants are down. I'm gonna pull down your undies too!' LAUGHTER 'Oh God! I'm just a casual guy! I'm just a casual` There's your dick! Ohhhh!' 'I'll touch that now!' Bit of banter, no drama! Back and forth. Gets on the bus, they're like, 'You shouldn't have touched that guy's dick.' He's like, 'I've got no recollection of touching anybody's dick.' LAUGHTER Here's a couple of bottles of wine ` one for you, one for your dick. LAUGHTER Apologies to the dick for the rough handling. There's a Pinot. LAUGHTER And that is our show for another week. My thanks to the panellists, our studio audience and to you at home. Before we go, let's take a look at our clip of the week. Now, the Price is Right has some great prizes, and while it's great to win anything, it's fair to say some people are more suited to certain prizes than others. UPBEAT MUSIC Welcome to the show. Nice to see ya. What's going on? I'm so excited right now. Thought you'd never get up here, man. You were close a couple of times. Yeah, I was so close. But here she is. George, what have we got for her? Couple of prizes, Danielle. We've got... a treadmill and a new sauna! CHEERING, APPLAUSE LAUGHTER So, the big question ` are you going to keep the treadmill or are you gonna stay on and play for the trampoline? LAUGHTER And that's Best Bits for the week. See you next week! Goodnight! CHEERING, APPLAUSE Copyright Able 2015