Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015 Kia ora. Tonight, if you were about to have a heart attack, surely the safest place would be a hospital. She died because she was not cared for. They put her in the corner of a room, still in a trolley bed, and forgot about her. You want some answers? > Absolutely. And then praising our kids. Well played, boys. Come on, Benjamin. Have we gone too far? What seems like common sense can actually backfire. OK. This week, Wellington Hospital was severely criticised for its treatment of a boy who was taken to the emergency department with what turned out to be meningitis. Well, tonight, Paula Penfold has another alarming case from the same hospital, the same department; the very place that should have saved a woman's life, let her down. Her voice. That's what I miss about my nana. Her voice. She has a big and caring heart that I'll never forget, and I know that she loves me very much. We always used to play on the PlayStation, and she always says, 'Get off that station.' They line up to speak of their love for Poia Strickland-Laumemea, but not deep beneath the surface is hurt. Real hurt. I don't think they understand that my mother meant a lot to my family, that she was a grandmother, that she was a wife, she was a sister, she was my mother. Paula Strickland-Laumemea wants to introduce us to her dad. Thank you for having us at your house. You're welcome. I wanted to learn and see about Poia, and you've got all of this that you've been building for her like a shrine. Yeah, that's right, because especially for my grandson who has never seen his grandmother. Every wall of Anitelea Laumemea's home speaks of love and loss. One Sunday he went with Poia by ambulance to hospital. She never came home. Matriarch of this proud, devout family, Poia had three children. Paula is her eldest, and Poia was also a mother to an entire community. A Porirua social worker loved by many. Gone too young. Dead at just 51. At the family church in Cannons Creek, where youngest child Joseph is an altar boy, there are prayers today for Poia. As well as her birthday, it's her and Anitelea's wedding anniversary, and the first time Poia's extended Rarotongan-Samoan family has met to talk about how she died So what happened to Poia in the 12 hours she spent at Wellington Hospital? A report just released by the Health and Disability Commissioner is damning of her treatment, and sets out how it failed. Poia arrives by ambulance in Emergency suffering chest pain and shortness of breath. She's seen by a nurse. But it takes an hour and a quarter before she's assessed by an emergency doctor. Blood tests and an ECG are ordered and an X-ray taken, but somehow the X-ray results aren't looked at. The blood tests show raised potassium levels ` a danger sign for a heart attack. But it's seven hours before they're properly reviewed. Nearly 12 hours after she arrived, Poia finally receives treatment for the by now dangerously high potassium levels, but it's too late. Within half an hour, her heart had stopped. She also like a second mother to me. I love you, Poia. Happy birthday, and we love you. It's hard, and not just for the kids, to understand Poia's death because it was unnecessary. It's not OK to be told to be patient. And it's not OK to wait for 12 hours. The family wants to ask questions of the Capital and Coast District Health Board and wants us present for that meeting, but the DHB refuses. It does accept, though, that it failed Poia. The care provided to her was a serious departure from accepted standards; that she should have been seen by a doctor within 10 minutes but wasn't because it was a busy Sunday afternoon. She wasn't monitored properly as she deteriorated through the evening. It's clear from changes since that under-staffing was an issue. She was never once seen by a senior doctor. And when it was finally realised how serious Poia's symptoms were, the treatment was too slow. My mum had to wait in the corner room. She was still in a trolley bed at 11 o'clock when I came down to see her. Daughter Paula coincidentally was already in the same hospital, in the maternity ward having given birth two days earlier. So Poia was accompanied by her husband and son-in-law. When, in terms of the timing, did it become clear that something really was wrong? When she collapsed and they all rushed in and she's lying there and the doctor's on her resuscitating her. I asked them to keep going and they said, 'No, there's nothing, she's gone.' I said, 'No, she can't because I'm a mum. We just celebrated two days ago, and I need her.' Joseph Laumemea is now 14 years old; the youngest of Poia and Anitelea's children. He was only 11 the day his mum went into hospital. With the ED so busy, it was Joseph who wheeled Poia in her trolley bed for her X-ray, and it was he who, after his mother's death, asked what had happened to the results. You want to talk about your point of view of seeing your mum. Why do you want people to know about that and what do you want people and the DHB to know about that? Because there is the question I asked the nurse. I asked the nurse what her X-ray results were. All she told me was that her heart was getting bigger. At the time I didn't know what that meant. I didn't know if it was either good or bad. What it is is a symptom of an underlying condition that should be checked. But remember the X-ray wasn't even looked at in time. < So what does that mean to you? They weren't aware of her enough. It's like they didn't care about her. Nor, it seems, her family's wishes. The family wanted and understood there would be a post-mortem examination. There wasn't. Well, why wasn't there a post-mortem? That's the number-one question to the journey. What we do know is that she went into the hospital suffering cardiac symptoms, and 12 hours later she died of a heart attack. That's the end. But that was not the cause. She died because she was not cared for. She was not monitored. It was negligent what they did. You know, my mum had the right... but they put her in a corner room, still in a trolley bed, and forgot about her. You want some answers. > Absolutely. Good morning. Hi, I'm Paula Penfold from the 3D programme at TV3. 'So, we try to ask those questions on behalf of the family and are referred to a media spokesman.' Since you won't meet with the family with us present, that's meant that they've had to go to a lawyer to use as their advocate. That incurs expense for them. 'But they won't budge.' So that's pretty clear there'll be no interview for us today with the DHB. There's also been no meeting with the family under the conditions they've requested. Now, a woman came here looking for care, and she was let down by this district health board. And this is a matter of high public interest and importance. Is it OK that meeting with the family hasn't happened and that they won't answer our questions? Tell me about what your mother meant to you. Everything. It seems wrong that in the absence of answers, as well as dealing with their grief, Poia's family is carrying around guilt. Ake Strickland-Laumemea is Poia's second child. If anything, losing her ` I blame myself the most. Why? Because I could have been the one who could have done something. I thought she was in good hands. You shouldn't feel bad because your mum was in the right place. She shouldn't have died of a heart attack in the hospital. 'It's sad but it's true. Poia's care simply wasn't good enough.' In remembering her and celebrating a life cut too short, her family hopes others, especially Pacific Island families, will speak up, demand better care, demand that their loved ones not be neglected. I think the sad thing for me is that someone like her, who spoke up for many people, nobody was able to speak up for her when she was sent to hospital urgently. She was very nice to me every time I went to her work. I always called her auntie because I was very close to her. I always think of her. She was like an inspiration to my heart. Now, the District Health Board says it's made changes in response to Poia's death, and you can read about that in the official report on our website. Next up, are we turning our kids into narcissists? Oh, he's so clever. New research says we should dial back the praise. I don't want to overpraise them or praise them for things just for the sake of building up their ego. For some time, social scientists have been puzzling over soaring narcissism levels in Western society. Some blame social media ` Facebook, Instagram ` for this rise in self-obsession. But Phil Vine has been talking to researchers who believe Generation Selfie could be the fault of parents. By overpraising our kids, we could be making a big mistake. Nice pass, Abby. Well played, boys. Well done, Benjamin. For three decades now, parents have been sold the idea they can't praise their kids enough. I think it is very important to praise children. They respond to praise. It's good for their self-esteem. But is it? Maybe just maybe we've gone too far with our praising. These kids are spoilt rotten. They don't really have to do anything to get praise come out of their parents' mouths. Toning down the praise, it's an old-school idea gaining new currency; rekindled by a ground-breaking study in Holland. It warns that overvaluation by parents might turn our kids into self-centred little so-and-so's ` research that hit a chord across the world. Dutch researchers had noted the rising levels of narcissism in Western youth. They don't call it the 'Me' generation for nothing. What they wondered was whether this could be connected with the way in which we've been talking to our children. Psychologist Eddie Brummelman from the University of Amsterdam is heading up the study into narcissism in children. I think it is very healthy for parents to feel their child is special to them, but it is something else to say, 'My child is more special than other children,' and that's the belief that might contribute to narcissism. The word narcissism comes from the Greek myth about Narcissus who fell in love with his own reflection; summed up in the modern phrase 'FIGJAM' ` <BLEEP> I'm great. Just ask me. In Holland, Europe and across the Western world, it's become accepted practice to try and boost kids' confidence right from the start; all thanks to something called the 'self-esteem movement'. Which emerged around the 1980s, which thought low self-esteem was at the root of all social ills from teen pregnancy to violence, so people started thinking about how we can we raise children's self-esteem. So we started praising... Oh, he's so clever. ...and praising and praising. Very good climbing. What seems like common sense can actually backfire. Backfire by turning kids into self-loving adults prone to aggression and violence. It starts younger than you might think. Eddie looked at 500 families over two years, repeatedly questioning kids aged 7 to 12, and their mums and dads; discovering the first clear link between narcissism and overvaluing parents. When parents see their child as God's gift to humanity and think their child is the most special and entitled person on this planet. Overvaluing starts from day one with baby names ` a good indication Eddie's learnt of whether a child's going to be overvalued. We found that parents who overvalue also give their children more unique, uncommon first names. So from the moment they are born, they want their child to stand out from the crowd. Right? Like Kim Kardashian... Yeah. ...who named her girl after a wind ` 'North-west'. Rumour has it, her next one will be called 'Eastern'. Oh, you're so beautiful. Well done, Emily. Believing your kids are super-special tends to go hand in hand with excess praise. Eddie found that overvaluing parents praise their kids 60% more. It's the praise that conveys to children that they are better than others. That is the message at the core of the overvaluation, and that might contribute to narcissism, not self-esteem. So instead of lifting self-esteem, all this child-worshipping may simply have produced a generation of little narcissists. So what's the answer? Do we have to get a bit meaner? This room is properly insulated, and it's at a temperature of 20 degrees. And this one's the same size. It's also properly insulated, and the temperature is 20 degrees. So what's the difference? This home is costing at least twice as much to heat... as this one. And it's all down to the choice of heating. Traditional heaters like this can warm a room, but you use a lot of electricity doing it, modern wood burners, wood pallet burners and Energy Star heat pumps produce heat more efficiently and cost less to run. Go to energywise.govt.nz for advice on choosing an efficient heating system. Here's a tip ` if you do use electric heaters, make use of the timer and thermostat features. Heating is about a third of your energy bill. Energy-efficient heating helps to give you a warmer, drier, healthier home. That means we're all using less energy too. See you next time. You are going up higher. Hey, you are going up higher. Other mums think she's a meanie. I'm keeping you here. I have full control. I want you to go up a little bit higher, thanks. < I've been told you don't praise your children. Why on earth is that? I do praise them. I'm just very selective about what I praise. Get there. Set the standard, Suse. Rachel Goodchild's got three daughters. I was a teacher who praised a lot. So before I became a parent, I definitely was a teacher who really believed in a lot of praise. But at the suggestion of a colleague, she tried dialling the praise back. I discovered the children I had with me started to make these huge goals and started to make these huge rooms forward, and their speed of learning started to increase. And she carried on that philosophy as a mother. I do have really high standards for them, and I want to make sure that they know if they get the praise, it's because they deserve it and they have achieved something. I don't want to overpraise them or praise them just for the sake of building up their ego. Do you feel you did a good job? Do you feel proud of yourself? Besides the narcissism concern, Rachel's convinced that too much praise actually stops kids achieving. I think that as she doesn't praise too often, it makes me I feel I have to push myself in order to get that praise. Rachel tells a story about a father at the climbing wall with his boy who couldn't make it to the top. Every time he'd move up, his father, to try and get him to go further, would say, 'Well done. You're doing a great job,' and the minute he'd hear the praise, the boy would come back down again. < Why? Because he heard, 'Great job. Well done,' and what does that tell you normally? < You're at the end of the climb. You're at the end. You've done it. So he'd stop. Rachel politely suggested to his dad that he stop with the praise. And within 10 minutes this boy, who had spent 40 minutes going up and down, was up the top of the climbing frame. That's reinforced by another piece of research out of Amsterdam. Eddie Brummelman found that praising, especially the wrong sort of praising, might actually be bad for children, especially those with low self-esteem. I think praising your children is not wrong. It's very good for parents to express their affection and appreciation, but things can go wrong when parents don't think about the way they phrase their praise. So how should we phrase our praise? Eddie says one of the things parents can do wrong is exaggerate. They say you made an incredibly beautiful drawing. That's called inflated praise. Kids see right through it. The second no-no ` focusing praise on the child themselves. 'You're so smart. You're so beautiful. You're so pretty.' Something called person praise ` not good either. In his view, both of those types of praise tend to stop children pushing themselves because they are afraid of failing and tarnishing your very high opinion of them. It leads them to avoid challenges, to give up easily in the face of failure, because when they fail, they feel they don't have what it takes. So what should we be doing as parents? 'Think about your praise,' Eddie says. 'Is it meaningful or just a mindless gap filler like...' Well done. Instead of 'good job, well done', maybe you could say... 'I see you tried really hard. You worked really hard.' 'And try to be specific with your praise,' says Eddie. 'I really like the strategies you used to solve that puzzle.' Concentrate on the effort they're putting in. That increases resilience. Focus on children's efforts and strategies that might help them persist in the face of failure, and it might help them seek challenges. 'And don't worry,' says Eddie, 'it's absolutely OK to think your kids are special. It's not going to turn them all into narcissists, so long as you don't think they're more special than anyone else. Some parents feel, of course, my child is special, but not more special than others. That's it. 'You're special. You're special but you're not above anyone else.' I get that. 'But to me you're special.' That's very nice of you to say that to me. (LAUGHS) Now, if you'd like to know more about Eddie and his research, check out our website and let us know what you think. Do children deserve all the praise they can get or are we spoiling them? OK, that's our programme. We are, of course, back next Sunday. Thanks so much for watching. Copyright Able 2015