1 FUNKY MUSIC Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2016 REFLECTIVE PIANO MUSIC When people ask me what it's like being me, my natural response is, 'Well, I wouldn't know. I've never been any other way.' When I was 12 years old, I was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. And over time, I've come to understand what this means for my life. For starters, in my mind, I think in pictures, like Google Images. But I also tend to be quite literal, monotone, academic, and I've been told I'm emotionless. I think funny thoughts, and I laugh at my own jokes, and then have a hard time explaining them to other people. I'm 23 years old. So far, I've done a lot with my life, but there's still a lot I want to do. CALM MUSIC So, Roy and I moved to LA, and we're currently looking for jobs. He's a sound designer. We brought our dog, and we're going to bring our cat as well, once we find a place. Let's go, honey bear. I met Roy at Berklee College of Music in 2008. I'm sleepy. Yeah, me too. This period of time when I was really depressed, he put up with my stuff. Jerry Maguire. Ew, no. Make like Tom Cruise and start singing in the car. And he knows how to clean and do laundry and cook. I just` Those are very underrated skills in men. (LAUGHS) Why, hello there. I'm nervous for myself for a 9-to-5 job, because what happens is I'll have anxiety attacks, or I'll have days where my senses are a lot more heightened ` to the point where I can hardly get out of bed. I can't eat, because everything tastes gross. Everything feels like... ew. The move to LA, like any human, has been really stressful for her. She's been amazing to set up all of these places that we'll be staying. Well, at least we've stayed so far, ahead of time. It's made my transition way too easy. It seems like probably a little more difficult for her, because she hasn't quite got an understanding of what she wants to do. For her, it's like` She's still like, 'What am I gonna do? Who am I gonna work with? 'How am I gonna do this?' And, so, if you call a boss or something 10 minutes before you're supposed to show up, and try to explain what's going on, it's embarrassing. And I` I've done that a few times, when I was working in labs, but I've told them some other excuse, because I'm scared of being judged for being like, 'I have anxiety attacks.' And so when I start to see Alix start to sleep more and start to not want to do anything, I'm like, 'OK, that's a symptom of her depression slowly creeping up on her.' So we have to go do something. We have to do something that will get her out of bed. We have to go and have fun ` just do something to kind of bring her out of this rut. UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS Like, Aladdin-sounding? Exactly. Yes, exactly. I am very introverted, but academic-wise, mm-mm, not so much. (LAUGHS) I was doing biology with a focus on molecular biology. I won an award for this paper that involved being invited to speak at the UN Convention of Biological Diversity, which is in Hyderabad, India. It was great, and the only hesitation I have is because I was going through a really bad depressive episode during that time. So, I` even if things are great around me, that mask kind of blocks that feeling of happiness and satisfaction. I am a very visual thinker. I think in pictures, not words. I do feel like I'm still at that point in my life where I'm not used to being in the spotlight. And I'm not used to people wanting to hear how I view things and how I interact with this world. And so it's` it's odd how that's changed. You may have noticed that I don't have much inflection in my voice. That's why people often confuse me with a GPS. AUDIENCE LAUGH So this can make basic communication a challenge unless you need directions, so... The key to my public speaking is not my body language, but it's more the fact that I say such weird and unexpected things with such a deadpan tone that it intrigues people. In terms of having Asperger's, it can be viewed as a disadvantage. And sometimes it is a real pain in the butt. But it's also the opposite ` it's a gift. And it allows me to think innovatively. And humour is very strategic in all of my talks, because what it does is it makes people feel more comfortable talking about serious topics like mental health issues, how we treat people with disabilities... So, when people think of Asperger's, the proper term is autism spectrum disorder. It was changed with this idea that behaviour lies on a spectrum, in that there's high-functioning kinds of autism, there's middle grounds, there's low-functioning, where you're non-verbal. And so that was the idea behind it. It's strictly, as another doctor that I know put it, 'Those labels are for insurance money. You are not stuck and limited by a label.' I think I was diagnosed between 4 and 6 years old. They thought I had bipolar disorder and ADHD and depression. But it was interesting ` as I got older, my psychiatrist at the time started saying that she doesn't think I have bipolar. So they started to make the small changes, but they still didn't know what I had. And this is where it gets kind of scary. I was put on antipsychotics when I was really young. When I started getting more difficult, like when I started going through puberty, when I was 11, they would just give me more and more meds, when I would have my meltdowns, to sedate me, because they didn't know what was going on, and the doctor suggested, in the mean time, to keep me under control. So in the summer of 2005, my tantrums escalated to become violent. The rage came on, like, all of a sudden. Like, you'd be fine, and then something would come and you'd just feel completely different. So I had to go to mental hospitals when I was, I think, 12. And I was there for three months before I was brought to another treatment centre. And this is more of a long-term solution. I don't know if it was me or if they were just messed up and gave me these medications that aren't even meant to treat what I was dealing with. One of the side effects of those medications was being medically induced into a state of psychosis. I started hearing and seeing things that weren't there. Like, I thought that the people there were out to get me, that they were trying to kill me, that they were poisoning my food. I couldn't sleep ` which actually made the psychosis more severe, if you don't sleep ` because I was worried they were going to kill me. In order to escape that kind of mess, I started diving into my schoolwork there. Because either I could be using my free time to interact with these people that I thought were trying to hurt me or I could have my head in a textbook doing math equations. And it was the first time in my life that I got good grades. My parents weren't allowed to talk to me, vice versa, cos I was deemed unsafe. I couldn't speak to them at all. I had a code word with my parents that I could say and they would get me out of there, no questions asked, but I had no way to get that to them. I stole a pen or a pencil from one of the staff, and I threatened to stab them if they didn't give me a phone. And so I used the phone they gave me to call my parents and have them pick me up. And that's how I got out of there. Almost every night for three or four years I'd have dreams about this place. And I'd see my hallucinations in my dreams, and it was absolutely horrible. And I'd have, like, flashbacks and stuff. In clinical terms, it could have been a mild form of PTSD. It was just a very horrible experience, and there's not too much I could have done, really. I mean, I was really young. I wasn't even 13 yet. Socially, at school, that was very difficult. I was bullied a lot. And I had a few different friends, Brittany being one of them, actually. We were both kind of weirdos together. I remember our parents were talking about us two, (LAUGHS) about just our quirks and stuff, while the other kids got invited to birthday parties and we just kind of hung out. That's why I'm so happy that we've come out here and she has Brittany here, because it's, I think, kind of given Alix that sense of security that she has somebody like this to talk to out here beyond me. We weren't a lot like the other kids who were in our school at the time. They were really into, like, uh, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, and dressing up in glitter and running around. And we didn't wanna do that. We were a little bit more interested in, like, doing artsy things or just going off on our own. I was not always aware of her autism. St Bart's, they were convinced ` convinced ` she couldn't learn Spanish, she was slow. Fast-forward ` Alix is really good at Spanish, pretty fluent, and way better than anybody who we went to school with. Um, and it wasn't like she had to work extra hard. She just decided, you know, after they told her she couldn't do it, it was like, 'OK. I'm gonna go do it.' LA's stressful, but she has Roy and she has me and she has all her other friends out here. I don't blame her for being at odds with the beach. I'm at odds with the beach. (LAUGHS) If you could just see her face, where she would just wanna sit down and be like, 'OK. Can we go now?' I'm not particularly fond of the beach. The sun pisses me off. Even though I'm moving to LA, I don't plan to spend much time on the beach. If you look at sand under a microscope, you can see so much that you didn't even know what was there. You can see little things squirming around, you see sand fleas, you see all this stuff, and it gets everywhere. And when you go in the ocean, that's where the world dumps all of their trash, all of their faecal matter and waste. It's where things are in there that wanna kill you. It's not my favourite thing in the world. I think about disasters a lot. Growing up, I had a fascination with very extreme storms ` tsunamis, tornadoes, all of that fun stuff. And the great thing about California is that it's on a major fault line. Hopefully I won't have to deal with the negative repercussions of that. Depression is a strong part in my life ` an unwanted part. And then mood-wise, it comes in waves. It's... I would say, typical episodes last a few years. And then I'll maybe have, like, four to six months of not feeling that way. Um, and with depressive episodes, what they look like changes over time as you change. Individuals with autism get an extra dose of what's coming in. But the interpretation of it ` they may not always know what to do with that. Therefore, the reaction is not of the norm. I'm very highly empathetic, but I don't always know what to do with the incoming cues. A real passion is ballet. And once I find a job and a place, I'm gonna start scoping out the studios in that area so I can dance full time. Meanwhile, I'm gonna be doing aerial yoga. Hi! Welcome to Up Flying Yoga. Hi, I'm Alix Generous. I'm Kimberely. Nice to meet you. Grab that fabric right in front of your chest. Make it like a rope. Straighten out your arms. Tuck your chin to your chest. Round the vertebrae. Reach those legs out in front of you. It's, I guess, you're essentially, like, using a scarf, and distributing your weight differently so it works different parts of your body. And then lift up your legs out to each side. Yes! And then you can connect your feet together round the front if you'd like to. Beautiful. Can you take your hands to the ground? Lift up that right foot towards the sky. Gorgeous. Look up towards the ceiling. Beautiful balance. Bend at your knees. Chair. Bring your chest out in front. Straight line, making a plank. Nice. This has been a really unique experience, and I've honestly loved it. It's really impressing. Thank you so much. You did amazing. Thank you. I mean, hanging upside down, swimming through the poses really quickly, it can be overwhelming, so it does take a little bit of time to get used to the plumb line, the centre point in the fabric, and you took the challenge on with open arms and... I hope I wasn't too cynical or negative too. I just knew my body's limits at the time. No, you did great. You did great. Yeah. And then go ahead and stretch that left leg long, back towards the sky. All the way back to your right toes. NEW-AGE RELAXATION MUSIC Lucid dreaming is consciousness while you're dreaming. It's being aware that you're dreaming and taking control. In the mental hospital, I loved sleeping, because I got to escape from what was going on. Nowadays, I don't like going to sleep. It's overwhelming and intense. It's` not in a bad way but just in a way that it's like getting ready to go to a party that you don't feel like going to. (LAUGHS) I choose to go to relatively the same places. I really like trees and green and all that fun stuff. And I oftentimes, when I want to relax, I go to that area. I also have, like, cities in my dreams. I'll have access to all my waking memories but also memories of previous dreams. Another theory is my medications contribute to the way I dream. Which` I've talked to doctors, especially when I'm having night terrors, cos I try to change my meds to get rid of that. And they told me that the meds that I'm currently on don't have side effects that should be contributing to my dreaming, which I find hard to believe, but... Right now, I take four different medications. Two of them are antidepressants, one of them is a stimulant and the other one is an atypical antipsychotic. Roy, these are yours. (LAUGHS) No, I'm pretty sure that's yours. If you care so much, you can do your own laundry without my clothes in it. But you don't. You just mix it all in like it's a melting pot. Well, it's not. So, with the antidepressants, what I've noticed is that it's not that it makes you happy. What it does is it makes you feel more neutral towards things. So you don't feel the extremities in emotions, like extreme happiness or extreme sadness. OK, the dryer doesn't eat things. I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah it does. No, it doesn't. It doesn't even have a mouth. What my Adderall does, it` it makes my thoughts more coherent. Here you go, my love. For me, it makes it so I can sit down at my desk, like, and actually have the mental space to do it. I still have the challenges with doing my work. It's not that I'm focusing or getting work cranked out super fast. It's more like` it makes it so I can even start the work to begin with. Tomorrow, I have friends coming over. Cos I'm very close with all of them, I'm not too worried about feeling anxious. I need a butcher knife. Oh, you need, like, one of those. Like that one right there. Like a machete. But at a lot of parties or a lot of social gatherings where I don't know anyone, networking events, it stresses me out completely. I'm so socially anxious. My body language is closed. I might have my arms folded. Yeah, it's ready. OK, cool. Tastes good too. Yay. Alix's humour is pretty much everything everyone's thinking but doesn't say. It can really catch people off guard, because she's a very nice person but can have a very dark, perverted sense of humour. I mean, at times it can get a little, like, 'OK, ease off that' but, um... (CHUCKLES) At times, people love it. They love that genuine personality. Oh, that smells so good. Alix, I'm curious whether you've had any use for that oil painting that, uh` of you with the coral background. Oh, by LJ Daab? Yeah. Um, I had it as my Facebook profile picture, and it got the most likes out of any profile picture, even the cute ones with Roy and I to prove that I'm not a lesbian. (LAUGHS) Cos, like, for` it was funny in high school ` people thought I was, like, a lesbian, which I don't really care either way, cos I have no problems with, like, sexual, like, orientation and stuff. Um, but I just didn't really have a public boyfriend, really, ever, or on Facebook or anything, so it was kinda funny how... < How those things put pressure on people today. Yeah. It's kind of ridiculous, actually. But I think people are becoming more aware of social justice stuff. But what I love about that painting` About what? Social` Social justice issues. What does that mean? So what I mean by that is the pressure to prove your sexuality, um, like, in high school, whether it be... maybe pertaining to certain gender roles ` being more feminine, being that, or, um, having a boyfriend and doing PDA, like` So peer pressure? Yeah. Mm-hm. You were gonna tell me something about what you like about that painting. It's that if you choose` I know, sorry. I don't know. I get distracted easily. Yep. Hollace asked a question. Um, I like how it features different parts of my life that I enjoy, like neuroscience ` you have me holding the brain ` and you have, like, the fishies and cute stuff in the background too. So the coral reef aspect. Plus, I look sexy as hell in that picture too. (LAUGHS) < (LAUGHS) Yeah, that's good, isn't it? Very good. I try to be polite and ask questions. And I'm working on that with my therapist right now, is not showing how I'm feeling inside in my body language so people feel` would feel more comfortable talking to me. There's got to be a reason why there is this ridiculous increase in autism. It cannot just be that, um, more people are aware now. So, either this is the breakdown ` and I'm not a scientist, I don't know ` and, like, all the chemicals in your body that's screwing up. I don't know. There's the theorists about the, um, vaccines. Who knows what all`? That is not a true theory. That scientist falsified his data. Have you heard of the epigenetic theory? < Let's hear. So, basically, the epigenetic theory combines the nature vs nurture argument ` genes and environment. Basically saying that autism forms in the womb as a product of cortisol being released. Um, so stress that the pregnant mothers go through. And so that's the` But wouldn't this be detectable in, um, prenatal care? If you have a high rate of cortisol? I mean, they do blood work. They do everything. So why don't they know about this? Well, there's a lot of research but you know how, like, when research published from that, and then getting it to a point where it's clinical and being used in treatment ` huge gap. There's an epidemic. What is it, one in 30 kids now has autism? Yeah it's gone from one in 68 to one in, like, something like that. I don't remember the statistics. Well, I would call that an epidemic. And it mostly hits boys, right? It's more easily diagnosed in boys` What are the differences? OK, so with boys, they're more likely to act out in aggressive manners. With girls, they're more likely to withdraw. So these kids don't wanna talk to anybody. All they wanna do is text. It's true. I do agree that technology has negatively impacted and changed the way that social skills are being defined, which` It's a problem. It is a huge problem. They don't talk to each other. They can't communicate. They don't want to talk to each other. They can be in the same room and be texting. It's like, 'Are you kidding me?! 'Put that down and speak to each other!' (LAUGHS) Yeah. UPBEAT MUSIC Good girl. Well, with Chauncey, since she's doing service-dog training with an accredited, um, training programme` By accredited I mean through Assistance Dogs International. She is just smelling all the flowers. I really wanted a psychiatric service dog to be my little buddy and companion, cos to this day, I still have really bad social anxiety. She's like, 'I see another dog.' Look at her run! Her legs are like... It's the most derpy run I've seen. Um, well, the benefits of Chansey, or Chauncey, have been Alix having that confidence to talk to strangers that she may never` otherwise never talk to. Because they come up to her, being like, 'Oh my goodness, your dog is so cute.' And that's an immediate kind of thing for a human to start to talk to another human, is that animal right there. She got hip surgery in December. She got, yeah, double` double hip. Yeah. And it's a bit tight, but she's fully recovered in terms of the muscles and stuff. She's gorgeous. Ha ha, thank you. So anyone that sees her is just like, 'Oh my goodness, can I please pet your dog?' Or they're terrified of her, cos she's huge. (LAUGHS) Good girl. Can't deny the fluff. We're gonna crash yoga now. Just kidding. Come on, honey. I know. Life is rough (!) I'm trying to start a small business for myself in Podium. It's a social tech impact company. The product is an iOS application that is also going to be a web-based application. (SIRI) ROBOTIC VOICE: What do you like to do outside of work? You'll have the speech in front of you, and you'll have the camera. So you'll be looking at the eye contact while you read the speech and really seeing how you` how many times you maintain eye contact, whether you're looking away, whether your tone is off. The reason why this is so important is that autism has the highest rate of unemployment among developmental disabilities. OK, so there it's asking me how loud am I compared to Siri. I don't wanna work for a company that has a close-minded view of disabilities, and I'm sure nobody else would either. So this app isn't prepping people to go into the workforce where they can't be themselves; it's prepping them to feel more confident so they can advocate for their own needs. And through that they'll` I do believe that the employment rate will increase for them. I was able to afford and access the resources that helped me to get to where I am today. Without that, I wouldn't be here speaking to you all. But the majority of the world does not have that opportunity, and that needs to change. And it doesn't matter where you come from, how much money your family has or any of that. You still deserve the quality help that helps you be happy with your life and move forward with it. And I can promise you, with the rest of my life, I'm going to do my best to make that happen. Chauncey, sit. Captions by Madison Batten. Edited by Ingrid Lauder. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2016