f SMOOTH TECHNO MUSIC Captions by Alana Drayton. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2016 GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC Well, you're returning to a world of fear. When you wake up, you're still believing all of the same things. It can be really daunting, facing the world when` when you're in the middle of it. GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC FADES Hell. It's hell. You feel like you're surrounded with just flames and just <BLEEP> at you, man. There's nothing you can do about it, except for take it, and it's just something that, you know, you just gotta` you gotta` Yeah, it's hell, man. For me, it was more of a huge episode that... kinda took me off the planet. You think something's real, but it's not. Yeah, and that's kinda how I felt when I had my episodes. I felt like I knew things about the world that nobody else did. Like, I had a secret insight to the world. You don't realise that you're in it. It feels in some ways quite normal. For me, it was a lot of energy that I had. Just pent-up energy that I needed to get out. HAUNTING PIANO MUSIC Most common age of onset for people experiencing psychosis is kind of late teenage years, early twenties. From a neurological perspective, during that time, the brain is developing at a very rapid rate. If you look at a brain scan of a child, the neural connections are huge, but they're` they're too many, and the brain's inefficient. So the brain goes through a process called synaptic pruning, which is the idea of the brain becoming more efficient. It's a very stressful time in people's lives; the huge amount of social change that goes on in teenagers and early adulthood. Finding your own way in the world happens at that time ` moving out of home, a lot of experimentation with drugs and alcohol and sex. If someone's experiencing psychosis, uh, we often talk about their ability to be able to determine what's, kind of, real from what's imagined or what's, um` what might be thoughts or fantasies become a bit more blurred. DREAMY MUSIC Psychosis can happen to anyone and does happen to anyone, and we all have a breaking point where we might experience psychosis or maybe depression or` or mania, or other sorts of mental health difficulties. DREAMY MUSIC CONTINUES I think a lot of different things triggered it. Um, the lack of sleep, um, having a really stressful period in my life up until that point. Um, just pressures with work. Um, I'd been in a bicycle accident, and may or may not have had a concussion, so I was having medication for that. There were signs of it happening before I left. I had a weekend where I did some really risky things. Like, I've climbed over the balcony to get back into the apartment after being locked out at eight storeys high. Had no sleep, wasn't eating much. Just did way too much. DREAMY MUSIC DARKENS Things were... very unreal. I had seen, on the television, a lot of hallucinations. My friends had told me that we were watching Midsomer Murders. It didn't seem like Midsomer Murders to me. It was a story about my life. When I found out that nobody else was seeing it, I didn't know what was going on. I thought, maybe it was aliens or` I` I really had no idea. It was truly terrifying. UNEASY MUSIC When I first starting dealing with the psychosis, it felt like I was, like, you know, a martyr for the world. For the person I was, the things I'd done, and for the people I knew, you know. I caused a lot of` you know, a lot of bad, a lot of harm. This is what the voices were telling me, you know? And I was a bad person for that, you know, and I deserved to be dead, and because of that` the world was gonna kill me because of that. Like, they were gonna take me by` piece by piece. This is what the voices were all saying, you know, starting with my hands, because my hands are so important in my life. You know, this was` this is dealing with it, like, consistently for a good week, even a little bit longer. Low sleep as well, you know. You got the insomnia, and` and that's when` not long after that, that's when I got to the point to where` where, uh, yeah. I ended up in hospital, hospitalising myself. UNEASY MUSIC CONTINUES Before I went into hospital, I was taking drugs every day ` uh, party pills and week and drinking ` and I didn't sleep for maybe four or five days. Like, people are always say drugs unlock pathways in your brain. It's, like, yeah, but they unlock the things to the dark` the bad side as well, you know? Yeah. Near the end of it, I just didn't have a grasp on reality anymore. My mum found me in the morning one day, and I was just in tears, crying, and then she rang up the, uh, crisis team, I think, and they took me to the mental health ward. I didn't really realise where I was. I didn't know if I was in hospital or` or where I was. It just seemed like a` a daydream. Mm. EERIE DRUMBEAT People experiencing psychosis can be quite risky, because their experiences are really distressing. Um, they can be at risk of, you know, harm from other people, because their behaviours might be, um, you know, scary for other people or might be unexplained or unusual. Um, they can be at risk of` of suicide. So, suicide rates of people experiencing psychosis are really really high. When I actually eventually woke up about two days after when I was in hospital ` cos I had a good sleep. And when I actually` The first thing I remember too ` just the first thing I actually remembered when I woke up from the hospital ` first time I woke up, I heard a ding, ding ` cos everything's quite blurry still. And once I got my vision right, I looked over, and I can see all the wires and the pumps and stuff, you know, everything, and I just f... And I realised what I'd actually done. I still remember what I actually done, but I couldn't believe it, because it felt so surreal. It felt like, you know, it was a dream. I didn't know what was what, you know. It's just... Yeah. (SIGHS) Took me a long time to get my bearings, man. GENTLE PIANO MUSIC I met somebody that I went to go and see a play with, and I really enjoyed connecting with him and talking about life, um, and it got me really excited, and I was so elevated that I found it really hard coming down from that high. I just wanted to keep going, so I stayed awake all night, and wrote and wrote and wrote about all sorts of things, from friendships and relationships to, uh, Snapchat, nonsense, song lyrics, weird things, poems. And, sometimes, my writing would be so fast and free that I couldn't read it back the next day. I had quite a strange experience like I've never had before ` time passing really quickly. Delusions, hallucinations, hearing things that aren't real ` like, the way wind blows in trees will be translated into whispers or words. Being able to see different creatures or monsters or alien things inside trees and clouds. If I do get insomnia, it brings you to a real manic state, where` where it's quite enjoyable. If I've got no responsibilities, I can get quite in a big, manic state and really energetic. But after a long time, if you don't get sleep for a couple of days, Then it's` it's like you can't sleep for the next few days. Just` You can't switch off, yeah. So it's hard with responsibilities ` if you've gotta go to school, you gotta go to work, you've gotta be sleeping. GENTLE PIANO MUSIC I would say I was quite unlucky, cos my Mum is schizophrenic, so I already had a chance of becoming psychotic. I think my own drug use may have contributed. I'm still not sure. You can't really get away from it, um, especially if you have a genetic predisposition. It, sort of, always looms over you, the thought that you could have an episode at any time. And it almost feels like a life sentence, but it shouldn't be viewed that way. I started studying Environmental Science at AUT. I'm worried that exams or something similarly stressful might trigger another episode. When you experience that kind of fear, the last thing you want to do is experience it again. I mean, there's a lot of what we don't understand about how the brain works. We're kind of finding more and more out about that over time. Life experiences, perhaps turning on or off genes, resulting in people being more susceptible to experiencing things like psychosis. And that's looked at things like trauma ` so the result of, kind of, early-life trauma, use of marijuana before the age of 14, heavy use before the age of 18 being, kind of, more... risky for a certain sub-group of people. When I was 10 years old, my dad, he passed away. Uh, he had epilepsy. He had an epileptic fit, and then he had a heart attack in the hospital. And that was` that was a real hard time, and sometimes it's still sad to think about him. Yeah, very traumatic actually seeing him die. And we` we're kind of trying to figure out, like, how the psychotic episodes happen, and it's, sort of, a past trauma can lead to things like that. I left high school when I was 16, and then I didn't go back into tertiary study until I was 20. And so for those four years, that was probably the hardest years of... starting out just partying and taking too many drugs and... doing all the bad things, and then that led to the first big psychotic episode. For my mum, it would have been really devastating. The hardest part is her probably thinking that she's lost her son, thinking that I'm gonna end up killing myself or killing someone else, going to jail, or just never having a` a normal life again. SOFT PIANO MUSIC If my mum wasn't there to help me, then I wouldn't have been able to recover. I would... either... yeah, still be on the streets just doing nothing, being a homeless person, crazy and have no` cos she's the one that got me into hospital and made sure I take my medication, made sure I saw psychologists and counsellors. She organised that. So without that guidance and that support, then I wouldn't have had the care, that I had, and... yeah, my life would not be as good as it is now. For me, I would usually wanna withdraw from social contact if I'm having a tough time, and I've had to learn to be more open about what I've been going through and let people in, and my friends do want to be there for me, and they do wanna support me through this, so it's been a good learning curve. You need a good network of support when you're dealing with something like this. Having Teva be there alongside the journey has been really important to me. I` I've been grateful for all his help with sticking with me through this. Um, some other people might run away at first signs of someone with un` with wavering mental health, but he's been, um, a consistency. He's always been there for me. And I feel really lucky to have his influence. CAN HISSES Whoa. (LAUGHS SOFTLY) Sorry. That was dangerous. He's been open-minded. He hasn't been judgemental or anything like that. And he's been, like, the voice of reason, as well. Always a good sounding board when I'm having trouble with something, and I need to talk. I've never actually openly spoken to anyone, even those close around me, in my circles, anything like that, because I can't. People think, you know, 'He's tough; he's strong; he's got a lot of mana.' You know, that sort of stuff. But they don't actually realise I'm actually broken. I'm hurting, and I'm struggling. You know, I'm just having to put on this bravado, like, you know, like, just trying to come in and trying to deal with things. They don't realise my, you know, dealing with all this shit. That's` That's so hard. I can't explain it. But you just feel like giving up. How do people understand, you know? How can they explain this? That's why I never told this story. Not many people actually understand and` and actually know what psychosis is in general. I didn't, you know, and` until I actually got it. Just to have someone around you, supporting you, is a big deal, you know? It's just... Like I said, they have to sympathise and understand what you're going through by just being there for you, you know? Just being a friend is... yeah, it's awesome. It can be quite difficult and quite disorientating, going from being psychotic to being 'normal' again. Not only have you possibly fractured relationships with your friends and family, but you... gradually figure out what's real and what's not, and that can take a long time. And, also, there can be a lot of depression associated with being sane again. Having Matt around has really alleviated the loneliness that I was experiencing before. Um, I feel a lot happier, a lot more content, a lot safer. I think that I'd be less likely to become psychotic again while dating him, because he brings me so much joy. THOUGHTFUL ELECTRONICA MUSIC MUSIC WARPS SOMBRE NOTE People almost always don't want to come and see a mental health team because they're worried that we're gonna, kind of, be men in white coats and drag people off, and` and we're not. We make that connection with people over time, and that's based on conversations, and some of those conversations might be about their study, might be about their hobbies, might be about their mental health experiences as well. So we built that, kind of, rock-solid foundation where they can trust us, and they know that, you know, we're not gonna freak out when they tell us stuff. Medication, that was something that, like, I didn't accept at first. I'm not gonna lie. I didn't wanna take it myself. I couldn't, cos I couldn't accept, you know... (CHUCKLES) being in this state, you know? So that was the hardest thing for me, was even trying to accept that, you know, I needed the help for a start, And actually accepting that, you know, what I've been going through is actually happening. I was experimenting with it. So I was trying to take it` Like, if I had to take it, if I knew for myself I needed some help, I'd try and take it at a time where I felt like, you know, it's time I needed it, and trying to keep it as minimal as possible, but it didn't work. You know, it was only a short-term relief, and then I realised once I got it consistent, it actually started` like, everything I was dealing with, it actually started decreasing and started easing a little bit easier, so I could actually start finding myself and, you know, getting a bit of balance back again and, yeah, start working on getting better. We kind of see medicine as having a role of helping reduce down the symptoms so that people can learn to manage them; maybe using, kind of, psychological techniques for managing that as well. Um, both are important. Recently, I started receiving really good therapy, and it was invaluable in terms of the effect that it had on my mental health and, just, my general emotional well-being. To have a psychiatrist who genuinely listens when you say that you're experiencing negative side effects, um, is crucial. I think you can minimise a lot of distress by intervening early in terms of psychosis, because, um, a person could go for years and years having all sorts of different delusions when, really, they might have needed to be on the right medication, and that could have` could have alleviated a lot of their suffering. At the beginning, it was OK. I just took it day by day. But then it started to get harder. I put on a lot of weight from having the medication, and I wasn't happy about that. I biked less. I wasn't as active. My world grew a lot smaller. I didn't have any of those highs anymore that I had in the past, and I missed that. So I went and, um, had courses at the Taylor Centre, which I found really helpful, um, about how to deal with distress, um, I had` had a really supportive care worker there. Um, and they` they gave me a lot of skills to cope with this. Um, yeah, there's a lot of value in what they do. THOUGHTFUL ELECTRONICA MUSIC Drug-induced psychosis is, I guess, the most accurate description of what I had. Um, and that` I mean, it's really hard to define between just being on the drugs and having a psychotic episode, you now. But, like, once drugs were out, and you've slept, then you're` then you come right. Or if you have the drug-induced psychosis, then once the drugs are out of your system, you're still in a state that you're just` you can't return from. Take` It takes a much longer time to come back to reality. Life is very fragile. If you're sick, psychotic, and you're having episodes, you know, you shouldn't worry about work; you shouldn't worry about university. You should worry about getting better. That's the first priority. QUIRKY PIANO MUSIC Looking after the body is a really important way to also look after your mind. Just being outdoors, getting out there, staying active. I can just focus on myself and get away from the noise of the world. It wasn't always easy going through this, but as time went on, um, things got better for me, and I established a routine and rekindled some friendships, um, and just started to feel a lot more positive about life. Um, being in full-time work again was a huge part of that. I felt like a valuable member of society again. And it just allowed me to be more independent and, um, freer. And, yeah, it was a huge part in getting well again. I've really enjoyed getting into yoga. Dancing on a Monday night as well, with my friends, that's been a lot of fun. And bike-riding, of course. I` I can't be without my bikes, and... I look forward to doing these things, because I know that I'm nurturing myself when I'm doing them. My dad and my mum divorced when I was about 2 because of the delusions that she was experiencing, and she went through a lot of grief at that time. Because she was quite unwell, I didn't really form a very close relationship with her. For a long time, she felt a lot like a stranger. Now that I'm older, I see things more from her point of view. I'm sympathise with her a lot more, because I've actually experienced psychosis, so I know what it's like. I understand the trauma that she's been through a lot better now. My therapist actually encouraged me to form a closer relationship with her and I decided that it was a good idea as well, so I've been making more effort to call her, ask her if she wants to hang out. And I've met some resistance, because she likes to have a very ordered life, which is fine. I know that she has her reasons. You know, I don't wanna stress her out. The intensity of it` It can get, like, it can get really` like, really really, like intense. And then it get` Like, at` at` at its slowest, it's like whisper, you know. You can` You can hear it, but you can't make out what they're actually saying. Um, yeah, you know. Even saying that, you know, is actually quite hard. But within the last, well, couple of years or so, it's been a lot easier, better for myself to deal with. It's actually getting easier now. The voices are not as consistent, not as violently strong as they were. Hey, sup, ladies? Hi, Brandon! What's up, what's up, what's up? Sometimes now, within the last couple of years, I actually have periods of times when I don't actually hear them at times. And, um` And that's a great relief for myself, and` because it gives me that sense of knowing that, um, I think I'm almost there, you know? I'm almost getting through it. I got hope back again. That's the main thing too. Because I lost my hope a long time ago, and, um, just` you just feel like what's been happening lately, you know, with work, just getting on my feet, just getting` doing the things that I love to do again, it gives me hope that it's gonna get better. And it is. Hey! GLOVES THUD Nice! GLOVES THUD One more, doll. Aha! Yeah-yah. Very important to seek some help. Cos I'm that type of guy that never does. Um, lucky for myself, the people at the Taylor Centre, you know, they never gave up on me. They kept um` You know, they kept turning up at my door when I didn't want 'em to, ring me up when they` you know, when I didn't wanna talk to anybody. But they were there all the time, to the point when` when I was ready, that's when I was` you know, they were there already, and I was ready to accept the help. GLOVES THUD At the cross! GLOVES THUD Awesome. And again! Bump! Bump! Finish 'em. Whoa! If you know someone that's going through something like, you know, especially if you can't understand it yourself, don't dismiss it and try to say just harden the hell up. Because at the end of the day, if someone is going through something, it's` it's a` you know, it's a problem. And, obviously, the person actually needs some help. GENTLE, TINKLING TECHNO MUSIC SOMBRE MUSIC Well, thinking about it, what I` the way things mapped out in my past, they all led to coming into where I am now, and so if I was to change something, it may not be so good now. So, um, like, the drugs led me to hospital, which kind of led me to meeting people through poetry. That was where I` I got introduced to performance poetry, was through hospital, and so if I never got sick, then I never would have started performing. And through performing, I met so many friends and had so many opportunities. Yeah, so it's hard to say if I would change something, because I just` I like what I have now, and that's because of what I've been through. HOPEFUL MUSIC If you go through psychosis, and you suffer all the hardships that it entails, you become a lot more resilient. It teaches you about the nature of fear. The more you go through it, the more you learn how to overcome that fear. I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy, but at the same time, I feel like it's made me a stronger person. HOPEFUL MUSIC CONTINUES I don't think I would change anything. (SIGHS) Nah. Nah. Nah, I won't change anything. I couldn't` Nah, I wouldn't change anything. (SIGHS) You know, even as hard as it is for me to say, but, because of everything you go through in life, that's what makes you who you are. And, um, yeah. I won't take it back, you know. I won't change anything. HOPEFUL MUSIC CONTINUES Now I have an understanding and the maturity now that I never had before. And because of that, it's helped me grow as a person too and actually helped me get to be where I am today and helped me get through all this. Yeah. HOPEFUL MUSIC CONTINUES I've learned that, um, it's OK to go through this kind of experience. It doesn't make me any less of a person. And just to be more open-minded about other people, cos what you see on the outside isn't always a reflection of what's happening for someone internally. And I think... it's just given me a better outlook on life, and I've been happier with not being the perfect person anymore. Like, I think it's really cool that we all have our difference challenges in life, and that we can talk about them, and work away at creating less of a stigma around mental health, that's really important to me, so I've tried to be as open as I can about my experience. HOPEFUL MUSIC GENTLY FADES One of the most important messages is that, you know, psychosis is treatable, and` and recovery is expected, so we expect people to get better, get on with their lives, um, and when you're experiencing it, it can feel terrifying and feel that it's never going to be right again. But, look, we see` we engage with people, we see people get better and get on with their lives and thrive and actually come out stronger and better, um, because they've learned a lot about themselves and about the world. For parents with kids that have recently been diagnosed, it` you gotta think of them as being sick as if they were physically ill. You know, if your son has got a` a gushing wound on his chest, you're gonna do everything you can to get him into hospital and get that treated and then once it's been treated by doctors, you're gonna keep them in bed and look after the wound, make sure they take their medicine, and you clean it, and you need the same sort of tenacity, the same level of dedication when they've got a mental illness as well. And you've kind of gotta understand that they're very similar things, just` but you can't see it, you can't touch it but they're still ill, and they still need the same` the same care, and, you know, without that care, then they're not gonna get better. Captions by Alana Drayton. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2016