TINKLY MUSIC Captions by Faith Hamblyn. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2016. SLIDE-GUITAR BLUES MUSIC There was no, like, moment where I, like, lost it, you know? I just gradually accepted it, you know? There's nothing you can do about it. You just kind of roll with it, you know? I mean, you can't have, like, a freak-out and just, like, scream and, like, you know what I mean? It just doesn't happen. SLIDE-GUITAR BLUES MUSIC CONTINUES Hey. How you doing, mate? Hey, man. How's it going? Um, could I please have a look at, uh, that guitar over there? Yeah, the resonator? Sure. Yeah. Here we go. SLIDE-GUITAR BLUES MUSIC CONTINUES There you go, man. Thanks. (PLAYS BLUES) (PLAYS SLIDE GUITAR) (CONTINUES PLAYING BLUES) Man, you put me to shame. Hey, thanks, mate. I really appreciate that, yeah. I have to ask, man. What happened? (PLAYS QUIET BLUES) I'm Ripu Bhatia. I'm 22 years old, and I grew up in Takapuna in Auckland. Growing up, I was always quite shy and reserved, and I used to be really into music. I used to play a lot of guitar and that, and I used to write songs and lyrics and all that. And actually, that initially led me to go into journalism, which is what I chose to study at university. And I studied at, um, Auckland University of Technology. I did a Bachelor of Communications there. After graduating, I moved over to Sydney just to complete a Masters. I was 20 years old at the time. And yeah, it was a really exciting time for me, just being a different place and just a really big environment and meeting a lot of new people and just, like, living away from home. And it was a really great experience. I really grew into the person that I always wanted to be, and I felt very confident in my ability to succeed and where I was going in my life. Sydney was a new chapter for him, the best year of his life and the worst. My son, he was at his peak. He was independent. I have seen him mature over the past couple of years into a fine young man. Also I was very comfortable in my own skin for the first time. I wasn't feeling very insecure or shy. Just that confidence really pushes you and helps you just chase what you're after, you know? (PLAYS MELLOW ROCK) Well, today actually, it's been one year since I fell ill. Cos I fell ill July 29th 2015. (CONTINUES PLAYING MELLOW ROCK) And I can remember that last week so vividly, like it was yesterday, everything I was doing just, like, before I fell ill. Cos that's really the last time I felt like myself. Basically, I had this really intense pain in my feet. It was like... How would I explain it? It was basically like really really cold, but not cold, but like excruciatingly cold. Like, I couldn't walk, and there was so much pain. And I went in to see the doctor. And I was just lying on this bed, and... All I can recall is there was a point where everyone, sort of, just, like, ran behind, like a... kind of like a screen, as if, like, they needed to distance themselves from me. And the doctors came. They went, and they came back wearing these masks like these sort of, like, um, like... Oh, how would I describe it? It was like, um... like kind of like a hazard suit, you know? When there's, like, a helmet and there's, like, a screen. And it was, like... And then basically, he was saying, 'You know, you've gotta call someone.' Cos before, I'd been, like, 'Yeah, nah, I don't wanna call anyone.' But he was, like, 'You've gotta call someone. I really want you to call someone.' So I called my dad. When I first got the call from, uh, one of the emergency doctors, I was, um... I was working up in far north, uh, Western Australia, in one of the country towns, where I work every six weeks for a fortnight. And, uh, he said that, uh, my son, Ripu, was very sick and they think he's got meningococcal sepsis. Then I remember the doctor basically saying to me, like... You know, they were just kind of wheeling me away, and he says to me, like, 'You know, we're gonna put you out now. 'It could be, like, days, could be weeks, could be ages, you know?' And I was, like, 'What?' Then, like, they kind of lowered this mask on your face, and then just that's it. That's the end of the memories, kind of stopped there. And then, um, there was a phone call which just made everything go black, where the doctor phoned and said, 'I'm very sorry to ring you like this, doctor, 'but I don't think your son's gonna make it beyond the next couple of hours.' And, uh, my thought then was just, as a doctor on call, I would say to my juniors, 'Just keep going till I get there.' I didn't notice, automatically, I said, 'Just keep going. 'Just keep trying. My wife will be there in an hour or two.' She was already on the plane. Uh, we heard later on he'd actually got so sick that his heart stopped. And so as his mum arrived, they were reviving him. And they'd just started to revive him, and she got there. And the doctor said to my wife, 'He didn't suffer.' I just kept crying. That's how I remember ` I was just crying and talking and crying and just saying, uh, 'Why? How come he's so cold? 'He doesn't like being cold.' Things really just went from bad to worse over the first few weeks. I could see the complications developing before the doctors told us. I remember, like, I was just really out it, eh. Like, I find it hard to put everything in order. Half of what I'm experiencing is just, like, my subconscious, like, my dreams. I remember thinking I was just going to uni and, like, I couldn't find any of my classes and, like, just weird stuff. You know what I mean? I mean, he was my son ` I recognised him, but he looked so different. I think it's almost like he's walked through a minefield, and the bomb's gone off. And we don't know if he's gonna come out of it for the first day or so. And then slowly, the dust and smoke is settling. And we see this shadow of a figure. 'Hey, that's our son.' We know it's our son, but what does he look like? What can he do? We don't know at the beginning what's gonna happen. Over the first few days, you could see the fingers going black and hard and the feet. They just became, like, dead,... like a mummy or a corpse. What really comes to me is I remember waking up, and I remember they were all covered up. My dad's, like, 'I wanna see it.' And he kind of rolls back my sleeve, and, like, he sees this hand, and it's, like... it's, like, black as coal, and it's, like, sort of shrunken and crusty. It's basically dead. But basically, my legs were exactly the same as my arms. They were just, like, black. And I remember, um, a lady telling me, you know, 'You're probably gonna lose them, the arms and legs.' And I didn't really react to it. I just continued talking. She was, like, 'No. I want you to really listen to what I'm saying.' She's, like, 'You're gonna lose the arms and legs.' And then I think I might have cried. But, um, yeah, it's just, like bits and pieces. I can't really put everything in order. (CHUCKLES) I've looked after some children with, um, different problems as well and lots of children with meningococcal septicaemia here in Auckland in the '90s. Um, but, um, I've never seen anyone as sick as my son that has survived. And I remember at the time I just wanted them off, cos they were dead and I couldn't move them. And I was, like, I just wanted to be, like... It sounds weird, but you just want the process to move along. This illness is so bad, it makes someone say, 'Look, they can chop my arms off. 'I'm frightened, but I'm really excited. And I can't wait to get it done.' So, I mean, how terrible is this illness that it drives someone to say, 'I welcome going into a wheelchair. Please chop my arms off'? He actually never woke up again for many months. He was sedated and given painkillers. He had to suffer through multiple surgeries. We thought we'd lost him again. The disease started spreading, so they just had to suddenly rush me into surgery. I remember just noticing one day, like, 'Yo, I don't have the legs.' And, um, it was weird, cos initially, I thought I was stupid. I thought, 'Oh, have I been really unobservant that I just didn't even notice when they did it?' I felt really dumb, and I was, like, I didn't wanna say it to anyone. But it turned out I just got rushed into surgery, because it got pretty hectic and they just had to chop 'em off. And they unfortunately didn't save the knees, which makes it a bit harder to walk. (CHUCKLES) Almost every organ was involved, his kidneys, his liver. He was bleeding from the tummy. We didn't know he'd make it. And, um, we just thought all these operations could be too much suffering if he lost all of his bowel. And how is he gonna cope? And so many things that just wore us out. You know, after all those years of studying medicine, treating children, the sickest person I've ever seen that survived, for anything, is my son. I became, like, really small, you know? Like, obviously, I was malnourished. I was tiny. Everything, like, the world, it just seemed so much bigger, like, the people, you know? And the realisation hits home that actually, this is gonna a pretty hard, long battle. And how am I actually gonna do this? I thought, 'Well, we'll help you through, Ripu, and we'll get there, you know? 'And then we just sort of... we can do it, really.' SLIDE-GUITAR BLUES MUSIC I didn't really look at my face for a long time. You know, I just kind of knew about it. Cos I knew my body was disgusting, so I didn't really wanna see my face. I thought I wouldn't be able to handle it. There's nothing you can do about it. You just kind of roll with it, you know? Cos, obviously, in my mind, I'm just the same. (CHUCKLES) It's only when you see the mirror that you're reminded of what thing's changed. One of the problems is that my skin was really damaged. So I was all bandaged up, and it's really hard to do things. And they just had to keep working on my skin till my skin got better. Then once my skin got better, I was sort of said, 'OK, 'now you can leave and go to a rehabilitations facility, 'where you can just work more on your strength.' Most days, I, sort, of wake up, have breakfast and just sort of hang out for a while, and then go to the physiotherapy. Good, good, good. Slide 'em on. I'm looking forward to, um, being able to walk. I think it'll open quite a few doors for me again. I'd be able to be a bit more independent, and I think it'll allow me to pursue a lot of different things. Yeah, that's a good angle, I think. Cool. Awesome. Yeah, I feel more confident these days, eh. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. Awesome. I definitely, like, look forward to coming here and, you know, trying to do some fitness. I wasn't, like, overly into fitness, but it was something that I maintained, you know, just to stay healthy and fit and all that, you know? Oh! Whoa! Whoa. Mate. That was a hospital pass, eh? (LAUGHS) Very good. OK. Whoa. OK. All right, Ripu, so we need you to learn how to fall. We've got the soft mat there. OK. To minimise injury. Yes. (GRUNTS) Beauty. How was that? I just don't really have the technique down, eh, but, um, yeah. Yeah. Doing parkour now. Doing parkour. All right. Down on it. Oh, you just about got up without the chair then. Yes. The challenge for Ripu is everything that he does with the prosthetics takes, uh, three to four times the energy, um, that it requires for me and you to do. So just basic walking for him is like you or me running. Hopefully, um, just get on the longer legs and get back to my old height, you know? (CHUCKLES) (PLAYS CLASSICAL MUSIC) (PLAYS OFF-KEY CHORD) (PLAYS CLASSICAL MUSIC) You have to be quite precise, obviously, with the stumps, cos it's quite easy just to hit multiple keys at once. (PLAYS CLASSICAL MUSIC) With piano, you can generally break any song down just to, like, chords and a melody, so I, kind of, just play the melody with my right hand and the bass with my left. (PLAYS CLASSICAL MUSIC) It's quite simple, really. I mean, initially, it was a bit hard to coordinate, but it's basically the same skill. It's kind of like if you were to play with just, like, two fingers, I guess. (CHUCKLES) CLASSICAL MUSIC CONTINUES In terms of plastic surgery, it's not something I'm looking forward to, because honestly, they're kind of scary, like, those in-between surgery faces, not very pretty. Even when I get one, I'm not expecting to, like, feel better. Cos I know yeah, I'll have a nose, but I don't think I'll look much better. I don't think having a nose will, like, solve my problems, you know? And I've just gotten used to my face, you know. But obviously, part of the process, you should get one, you know? For next week, the idea is to set the stage for when we eventually come to reconstruct your nose. Um, and there's actually two bits to the operation next week. One is to put an expander in your forehead, which I'll make an incision in your hairline and put a tissue expander there. It's just a small, um, hard piece of plastic, if you like, is how it feels. Mm. And then over time it gradually expands. So at the end of it, when we're close to doing the next operation, it will be the size of, say, an apple. So, what will the final nose look like in the end? It will be something that people wouldn't look twice at you. They'll think that's your nose. Um, when you are reconstructing such a large area, we just have to realistic expectations. Um, and, um, if it doesn't look quite right to begin with, then there may be operations to do some further adjustments. Is it going to feel like how my nose to feel like? The feeling will be different, because we can't reconstruct the nerves. Oh, of course. But it's not usually, um, a big problem for most people. Have you ever had to create a nose, um, with this little to work with before, or...? No, it's pretty uncommon. We wanna get it looking good, though. I started writing a blog ` how it was like for me and how I was feeling and that, you know? READS: 'The word 'disabled' is one I find hard to digest. 'It was unsettling to hear, and I refused to accept it. 'Ironically, I always wanted to be the centre of attention, and now I was. 'I began to retreat from the harsh reality of my situation, into my memories. I was in Queenstown. 'I was on a train to Sydney. As sad as it may sound, these are the best things I'll ever have.' You do feel like you've lost an opportunity, obviously. Just my mental state was, obviously, I was feeling very positive, and I felt like I was on the rise. (CHUCKLES) I would have been 21. Um, yeah, it's very devastating to just feel like you've gotta go back home, and you can't really prove to people what you would have done, you know? Especially cos I never really did much in NZ, you know? I mean, I never was, like, an achiever in NZ. I mean, I never really believed in myself that much. I don't know why. And so I went to Sydney. I had the perfect time, when I was just, like... I would have had two semesters left and my Masters, had the Masters at 22. I would have been so set, you know what I mean? So, obviously, it is kind of annoying. It does, like... It affects your confidence, and, you know, you feel quite negative about it, you know, just how it is. What? It's hard to, like, just feel, like, normal, you know? Like, cos obviously, you just kind of stand out, and, like, you're kind of, like, unfortunate, I guess. That's how they view it, as unfortunate. And, um, yeah, had a lot of, like, awkward conversations when people try to make conversation out of it. Everyone's, obviously, really nice to you, but it's hard to, like, determine what's really genuine, you know? Cos everyone's, obviously, just gonna be, like, 'Yeah, sorry.' It is what it is, you know? And, obviously, like, I mean, I say I accept it, but I don't really. Obviously, it bothers me. You know, I get quite annoyed and that. I mean, I suppose, on the streets, you get people staring at you. And then sometimes people will be a bit uncomfortable, I think, in a way. Like, they're not sure how to act or something or, like, maybe be a bit overly careful about things. I... Yeah, they do. They look at him funny. I get a bit annoyed, if I'm being honest. I find it really annoying. And sometimes I tell them off. (CHUCKLES) I'm really proud of him. (CHUCKLES) Pick up the pace, mate! The aim is to get as independent as possible. There's a lot of different hurdles, but, um, I guess the most important thing is just to get myself to be able to do more things on my own. PA: Ever wonder what the time is to cook the dinner? BAG RUSTLES Feel a bit like I'm kind of stuck in a place. I'm sort of stuck in a particular position, and I'm gradually trying to move forward, and it's quite slow and that. And, obviously, I see everyone around me just moving forward, and I feel a bit like I'm kind of a bit left behind, in a way. It's a bit of a funny stage, I guess. My friends have been really great. They just treat me the same as always, and I think it's quite important to have that environment of people, just to be myself and just joke around and that, yeah. So, what does the surgery, like, involve? They're gonna be reconstructing a nose from scratch, pretty much. So it's gonna basically look like I have, like, a tennis ball shape on my, like, forehead. He said he's never done it before as well. (CHUCKLES) They know you well as a person. You're essentially the same person; you just look a bit different on the exterior. They were cool. You know, they were just the same boys, and I just hang out with them. It's exactly the same, only I don't hit the club with them or go out and party with them. But I still, like, I'll grab a beer with them or watch the rugby with them. I mean, I'm not really much of a party person any more, you know? It's just cos I don't feel, like, that confident, and I don't wanna get in people's way, being in the wheelchair, so I just kind of chill out. I mean, I feel like my youth is gone. Like, I used to look good, and now I don't. And, like, I feel like someone would have to go out on a limb to, like, you know, wanna, um, get to know me in that way, so, I mean, it's just not really, um, a major. I mean, I guess it was in my mind for a bit, but now I've kind of put it on the shelf. I don't really think about it too much, you know? It is quite intimidating, thinking about what will happen down the line. It's just kind of hard to imagine living like this for so long. I do, obviously, miss being able to just, like, go out and just feel great about yourself and just meet different people. At the end of the day, it's just not an ideal situation to be in. And I'm just doing what I can in it, yeah. I don't think anything really positive has come out of it, in terms of improvements in my perception of things. I mean, I can't really see any pros at all, really. I mean, quite frankly, it's worse than it was before, quite obviously. He was on a springboard, about to take off, and somebody just decided to, sort of, take the springboard away and just let him fall down a canyon. And that just thinks like, 'Well, if you're gonna say life isn't fair, well, what's the purpose?' This just says, 'Well, that's not fair, is it?' (GRUNTS) I started playing guitar in my first year at high school, when I was 13 years old. I took lessons for about four years. (PLAYS SLIDE-GUITAR BLUES) It was, like, a hobby of mine, but I was also real passionate about it, you know? I kind of gravitated towards blues music. (PLAYS SLIDE GUITAR) (PLAYS DISTORTED BLUES) Thing about the blues is it's all really about feeling, rather than technical ability. It's a great thing for me to do and just, like, sort of release, um, I guess a lot of what I have inside me and just, like, you know, just pour it out on the instruments. It's just a really good escape, you know? I have, like, a Facebook page, where I chuck up videos of myself just playing guitar and piano. And they're quite easy to access. The North Shore Times picked that up, and they did a story which got picked up on the internet, and that got picked up by a couple of different publications and in different countries and that. It was quite nice just knowing people were appreciating that. And, um, it's one of those things that are just a bit short-lived, I guess. It just becomes quite popular, and then goes down again. But it was quite a nice little thing to happen. DOOR CREAKS Oh, the mat. This is Maria, my support worker. She's actually just like a good friend now and someone who I can hang out with. Which one? Both, yeah. I'm very dependant on other people to help me in basically everything. That's a big thing for me. Like, I literally can't really go anywhere by myself. (CHUCKLES) And also just, like, basic things always require assistance, which is obviously very frustrating in terms of, like, the future. Like, am I ever gonna live by myself? Like, if I'm in a relationship, like, what is gonna happen? Like, am I gonna have to have someone come in all the time to help me? And it's very, like, I guess, like, uncomfortable, in a way. Like, it's not something you really wanna share with people. Like, you don't want people to know that you need help with all these things. It's quite difficult, I guess, for me, in terms of just being able to present myself well and, like, just wanting to look good and that. I struggle in that just insecurity. Maybe a lot of people have insecurities, but just, I mean, I just feel like I'm quite small and I'm quite, like, not very good-looking, and, yeah, just to other guys, and, like, I feel like I don't feel like I'm, like, anything, you know? I'm... If that makes sense. PHONE KEYPAD CLICKS READS: 'Sometimes when I look back on my life, I feel like I'm watching a movie. 'It seems completely detached to the reality that I'm living today. 'I often wonder if I'm lost in some lucid nightmare, and all I can do is hope to wake up. 'I guess, in times like these, you have to focus on what you can do, rather than what you can't.' I really thought I could have done something big. Now I'll be, like, you'll never know what could have happened, you know? Like, no matter what I do, it'll never be as good as what it could have been, is how I think, a lot of it. Which is quite cynical. And also just, like, no matter what I have, I'll never have, like, one up on anyone. Cos they can always just be, like, 'Yo, well, at the end of the day, you know?' You know what I mean? I can never really be, like, the best, I guess ` someone that I'm just completely content with. BIRDS CHIRP So, one of the main things about rugby having classification, like the numbers? Yeah, I've heard about that. So you can have up to 3.5s. Adam's a one, so his hands don't really work. I'm pretty high in terms of, like, lots of hand function. But the big thing I don't have, which is the way the game's gone, is it's all about trunk control ` cos I'm, like, paralysed from the chest down. Whereas you'll be able to, like, move a chair with your trunk. Every team wants a quad amp in their team, because, um, they're so physical. You know, you've got your whole core to turn your wheelchair. And, um, you know, there's a majority of quad amps are superstars in this sport. I'm feeling a little bit anxious about just getting smashed out there. I didn't wanna go flying. INDISTINCT YELLING Wheelchair rugby, it was quite cool. I'm not sure if it's my thing at the moment, but, um, I've never been the most comfortable in those, kind of, like, sporting kind of environments, cos I was never really that into sport. But I can see why a lot of people would love it, and that's great. I guess I'm more just into, um... I have slightly different interests. But it was quite fun. If I get a bit more practice in and, like... I mean, I can see myself coming here regularly. It seems like we're all, kind of, I guess on the same playing field, to be fair, so that's pretty cool. 'Ripu inspires us every day. 'You know, he wants to get his life back, and he is trying his best. 'Even if it's a sad day with Ripu, he wants to come out of the sadness. 'He really wants to make us feel happy and himself be happy. 'I have, uh, this feeling that he is gonna be doing something amazing. I don't know what.' He was always a very strong character, and I'm so glad it's still there. So sometimes I feel like he's... nothing wrong has happened. He's still the same Ripu. He's himself, I think. That's the thing. He's changed, obviously, but that inner strength and that inner core is Ripu. SEAGULLS SQUAWK I used to come here a lot back in the days, you know. It's a lovely place just to, um, chill out and reflect on things. And I find myself, a lot of the time, just thinking back to how it was and where I would be now. I imagined when I went to Australia, I'd come back, I'd return, like, different. But I didn't expect it to be in this sort of way. But I guess you can't always plan what's gonna come next, you know? Definitely, you know, a turning point, everything that went down, and I guess you start to appreciate, like, kind of, like, simple pleasures in life. Like, just coming out here and just, like, chilling out. I mean, I feel good right now, you know? I mean, when I don't really think too much about everything outside this moment, you know? SLIDE GUITAR MUSIC (PLAYS BLUES) MUSIC FADES SLIDE-GUITAR BLUES MUSIC Captions by Faith Hamblyn. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2016. SLIDE-GUITAR BLUES MUSIC CONTINUES