0 (UPBEAT MUSIC) (SOFT, PULSING KEYBOARD MUSIC) I talk about it most days. I have to talk about it because people ask questions. Almost like a script that you say over and over again. 'I was in a car accident. Both my arms were hurt. One of them was amputated.' You kinda just get used to saying those things. 15 years of not really, kind of, having proper discussions about it in a way that perhaps we can move forward and heal that, kind of, emotional side of it. I'm only 21 and I'm still trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do. And as I tell my story and have conversations with people, I'm learning more about myself and the events that have happened. I'm doing, kind of, a mix of things. I teach dance each week to multiple groups of kids and I dance myself in a company. I'm running a photography business as well. All the photos that I take, I wanna focus on showing the strength and power of everyone. I think everyone has a story to tell, and the amazing thing with photographs is you can tell so much from just one photo. I've just gotten into motivational speaking recently. Uh, when I speak, I have to talk about the accident quite a lot, cos obviously it's a significant part of my story. I definitely don't stand up there and pretend to know it all or want to come across that I've overcome all these challenges and I'm a happy, amazing person, because there's definitely all these things that still affect me from the events that have happened in my life. What I'm saying in my speeches about overcoming challenges and all that stuff, I can't just ignore it and not do it for myself. I have to make sure that I'm constantly trying to grow and move up the mountain. I'm gonna be meeting some other girls with amputations and talking to them about their journey and the way they, kind of, tick and how it's affected them. (CAR ENGINE STARTS) So excited to work with the girls and show their story a little bit through the lens and see what we can get out of them. And having conversations about my own trauma and events in my life is definitely gonna make myself a better speaker. So, we're going to Bryall's house today, and I haven't met her before. She's kinda cool. It'll be exciting to meet her and hear about her story and her journey, which is exciting. And we're gonna do a photo shoot there as well, which will be fun. (BIRDS TWEET) Hello. Hi! How are you? I'm good. How are you? I'm good, thank you. Come on in. Thanks. It's still very rare to see especially an above-elbow female amputee who's kind of the same age, so it's really cool to talk to someone about your journey and how you feel and everything that goes along with... walking down the street with one arm and the reactions that you get from different people and dealing with that. Exactly. When did your amputation happen? Well, I was 19 when it happened, actually. I was playing a game of tennis and I lifted up my arm to do a first serve and the arm broke. And we were just like, 'This is so weird. Why did she break her arm?' And I was in a lot of pain, and we thought that I had actually dislocated my shoulder. And then when they took me to the hospital and they did an X-ray on me, it had shown that I had a break. And so after that they did a biopsy, and about a week later it was confirmed I had bone cancer. So I went through treatment, went through chemotherapy, and they did try to save the arm because they knew that I was going to America for a tennis scholarship. And by January they were like, 'No, we can't save the arm. The cancer is just too aggressive.' So by February` Oh, February 4, actually, was when I had the amputation done. So, yeah, that's how I had the arm amputated. (LAUGHS) When was that? So that was...? 2009. Thank you. No worries. What was your reaction to it? It was more of a coming to terms with, 'OK, I've had the arm taken off. What do I do?' (LAUGHS) Because I didn't have anyone to really work off. Lower your chin slightly. - Yeah, that's good. - (CLICK!) It's always out there in the media that what's really beautiful is if you're full-bodied, especially at a young age. Being 19, image is everything to girls. (LAUGHS) We know that too well. Yeah. So coming to terms with that and feeling confident again, that's been a long process. And it's taken me about eight years to get to a point where I'm just like, 'Yeah, I'm accepting that this is who I am and this is my new identity now.' Do I wish I still had the arm? Sometimes. But I would rather be alive. (LAUGHS) That'll be the winner. That's the one we'll put on the` Yeah, yeah, definitely. (LAUGHS) Relax one leg and take a step forward. Yeah. Hang on. There we go. (LAUGHS) Looks like your arm's going into the tree. (LAUGHS) Like... That's trippy. It's like the tree is disappearing into my arm. I still dream with two arms. (LAUGHS) Oh my God! I do too. And when you get an itch? Yeah, I get that too. Or when someone throws you a ball, and you try to catch it with two arms. (BOTH LAUGH) You were saying that you had yours, like, 15 years ago. Yeah. So I was 6, and my family and I were going on a camping trip. We were in a van, so I was sitting in the booster seat in the front and mum was driving. My two older sisters were in the back. We hit a patch of gravel and our van lost control. Yeah, so the van flipped on to the side I was on. I became trapped underneath and dragged along. Um, yeah, and pretty much both my arms were really badly damaged. They fixed up my right arm, but my left arm was amputated the next day. So that was` mine was February 1st. They saved as much as they could, but I've got quite a short stump. I have so much respect for that 6-year-old because she had this attitude of, 'This is cool. 'This is a challenge. Let's take it on.' But I think the hard parts came later. When everyone's trying to figure out who they are, and then having this added complication and trying to figure out` Yeah, I definitely went through stages of, 'I don't want one arm any more.' And there's some weeks I have those moments. I'm just like, 'This is annoying. I don't want this.' Or, 'It's too hard.' (LAUGHS) Yeah, it's too hard and it's not fair. And you have those moments, but I think it's definitely been a journey and a process, especially over the past two years for me is that whole thing of coming to terms with, 'This is my situation.' 9 (MOODY PIANO MUSIC) I think the accident is like a really significant event in my family's life. (MUSIC PULSES) And it's always been, kind of, a subject that we haven't really talked about as a family and to each other, cos I think there's a lot of pain and... and, like, emotional, mental scarring from that day. It's always been, yeah, too hard to talk about or it's never been the right timing. My memory from after the accident, it's very foggy. I remember going home after being in hospital and bits and pieces, but a lot of that following year I don't remember. Cos mentally and emotionally, obviously it's affected me throughout the past 15 years. I definitely get anxiety. I'm not sure if it's from the accident. Don't really cope very well if I'm not in control of what's happening. I've never really, kind of, understood those things very well. (MOODY, PULSING MUSIC CONTINUES) I think being busy and braving through it all definitely... makes... myself feel better about it. And probably I might be protecting other people and making them feel like I'm OK as well. (DOOR CLOSES) I find that I get quite anxious going in cars, especially in vans. You know, touring round for different events and stuff, I definitely have to coach myself through the fact that I'm going in a van. And I don't like sitting in the back of a van. I'm fine sitting in the front, even though that's where I was in the accident, I think cos I'm in more control. I... freak myself out when I'm not in control and when things aren't going the way I want to. It can just, kind of, spiral into getting worse and worse. Thank you. MAN: Cool. Thank you. I love coming here. It's like a second home. We do more mind stuff as well as physical training. So today I have my session with Tila, which is what I do every week, and I'll do 45 minutes of self-love talk. At the moment, we're looking at my need to be in control of situations. so that I'm not showing weakness or that I'm not feeling disabled. You said here, 'I remember the feeling of being out of control as the scariest thing in the world.' And that's really important because a lot of all your anxiety stuff that we talk about is all surrounded around your fear of not being in control of situations. And getting better at how we can let go. You said, 'Maybe it's just me as opposed to the event making it me.' Yeah. Can you tell me a bit more about that? I dunno, maybe I'm just like this. (CHUCKLES) Things that we deal with as kids, whether they're good or bad, shape who we are as we get older, right? Mm-hm. It's, like, our influence. It creates our mental mind-print for us when we get older, right? Yeah. And for a 6-year-old to go through something like that, it just sounds pretty... normal that it would come from that place, as opposed to being, 'Oh, Brylee, look, you've just got anxiety.' You know what I mean? But if we actually deal with the other stuff, and it won't define you as 'girl with the one arm'. And then you'll just be Brylee. Swing it 61. Sweet. Shall we train? Let's do it. One. Stand up tall. Two. Good. Most bodies are pretty symmetrical, but mine is very much not, so it means that causes quite big issues for my balance. Even just standing up or walking, I'm constantly using my core to keep me centred, and it's really easy to lose that when I do get tired. So I definitely do get frustrated, and I know Til sees it, and she's really good at snapping me out of that. Faster. Fast feet, fast feet. Move your legs. It weighs as much as me. Go! (PANTS) Good. Fast. Five. Good. Two. I do love what I'm able to do, and I love that my body's strong and fit. Two. Last one. One, and time. (SYNTHESIZER MUSIC) I'm now on my way to Claudia's place. I've known Claudia since I was about 9 years old and so it's really exciting to go chat with her and talk about her experience. We haven't really talked about it before, so that'll be really cool. And, yeah, I'm excited for that and to do a photo shoot with her as well, which'll be fun. I prefer driving cos I'm kind of in control. Driving with one arm's fine. I'm kind of used to it. I never drove with two arms, so I think that helped. But, no, I feel OK with it. I think indicating's the hardest thing. Kind of, if you're in a turning position and then you wanna indicate, I can't really take my hand off. But, no, it's fine. I've never really known any different. (GEAR STICK CLUNKS) (FOOT BRAKE CLICKS) (KNOCKS) Hello! Hi. How are you? Good. How are you? I'm good. Nice to see you. Nice to see you too. Would you mind sharing what happened for you and, yeah, what your story is in terms of having your leg amputated? So, I got H1N1 ` swine flue, as it's commonly known. Um, uh, that fateful (CHUCKLES) school holidays. And basically it all went downhill from there. Multiple complications. Body shut down, etc. I was in a coma for a few days, so I didn't really know what was going on. And then, um, I was actually on a respirator for a wee while, so they waited until they took me off that so that I could, like, respond when they told me that they were gonna have to amputate at least part of my leg. And at that stage` It was looking bad for my hands as well at that stage, and this leg too, so... Do you remember your first thought? It's just like` The first thought is just like, 'I can't believe this is happening.' Like, obviously, anyone who this doesn't happen to, it's just not something that you expect. And so it was hard to wrap my head around that. And I was thinking about` Honestly, it went through my head, like, the sports that I play, like netball and stuff, and I was like, 'I won't be able to do that stuff.' You can't just, like, bounce back from something so permanent. What year was it? 2009, so first year of high school. (LAUGHS) The momentum. Cool. I reckon we go over that way. In the shade. OK. Does that work? Sweet. Where do you think that you are now, in comparison to where you were on that day? Sometimes you get into that mode where you're feeling like, 'OK, I have to deal with this for the rest of my life. 'It sucks.' But you try to ignore that it's affecting you. It's more how you, sort of, want to appear, that you're all good, everything's fine. But, like, definitely days where it just affects your image of yourself in terms of, 'It definitely looks different.' It just, sort of, really affects how... you meet people and stuff. You start thinking, over-thinking. (CLICK!) Not that either? (CHUCKLES) Just do some facing me. Serious thoughts. Not darker? Serious thoughts? Oh, it's really hard to keep a smile` OK. Lower your chin slightly. Boys. Do you have a boyfriend? No. Have you had a boyfriend? No, actually. I do think about it sometimes. I'm like, is that... a thing that if`? I don't know, if someone was otherwise interested in you, but then they're like, 'Mm.' Like, I dunno, if they're like,... don't know how to approach it. I j` I just don't know. Honestly, I have zero experience, so, um (CHUCKLES). Yeah, it's interesting, yeah. What about you? Yeah, but it's interesting. Like, I do, as well, think about it, like, 'Is that gonna be a factor in...?' Cos I` it's a factor in my normal relationships with friends,... Yeah. ...but it becomes something that doesn't even matter. Like, profile. So I think that's with any relationship, with friends, family, anyone ` colleagues, anyone ` that when you are learning about someone, it is a significant part of my life. (LAUGHS) The favourite. That's my favourite. (LAUGHS) How many times do I`? You're like Blue Steel. You're like... (LAUGHS) 9 (REFLECTIVE PIANO MUSIC) I still have the same struggles as every other girls about, kind of, body image, but not necessarily to do with having one arm. Sometimes` I mean, you get stared at a lot. I do wonder, like, what goes through guys' heads, like, when they... when they view me over other people. Yeah, I do wonder, like, is it gonna impact the relationships I have with boys. But I have the ability to walk and run and be really fit and dance. (MOODY PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES) I started dancing when I was 4. Dance is... it's so much more than just a physical activity for me. It's... Yeah, there's something about walking into a studio and being able to just,... kind of, leave everything else in your world outside and just come in and dance. There's definitely the challenges when it comes to having one arm and dancing because dance is symmetry and I'm probably the most non-symmetrical person. Balance has always been a challenge, and dance has definitely helped me to get better at it. But also, I've had to go further and get better at it in a way that I can do movement and transfer my weight quickly and, yeah, kind of adapt to different things. - Hello. How are you? - GIRLS: Good. - Did you have a good day? - GIRLS: Yeah. Right, we're gonna do a warm-up. We're gonna go into Set In Stone and do the combo, - and then we're gonna have a chat at the end of class. Yeah? - GIRLS: Mm-hm. Right, spread out. All right, we go, 'I met a girl last night.' Hup, two, three. Down. 'I find it challenging to choreograph for myself 'just because I visualise myself with two arms in my head. 'But I love choreographing for my students. And that's really cool 'because I get them to do the movement that I see in my head.' And, 'Like you.' Breathe. Down. Then and... (SINGS TUNE) Five, six, seven, eight. (UPBEAT, FUNKY MUSIC) I see these girls every week, most of them more than once. And they spend a lot of time with me, so I have the opportunity to be a role model. (FUNKY MUSIC CONTINUES) Yeah, definitely focusing on being able to support them and help them in figuring out what they want to do and how they want to do it. I'm definitely making sure they know that I'm on this journey as well. They know that I see Tila every week and that I'm constantly doing the self-love stuff for myself. and that it's really important that they don't think that I have it all figured out and that I'm a perfect person and I know what I'm doing. Shall we do a self-love circle? Your fave. Right, come on. Circle. - No, you can sit however you want. - (GIRLS CHAT) I want you to tell me one thing you're proud of that you've achieved this year. Um,... getting my full licence. - Yes! - (APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER) Caitlyn. Um, getting into my make-up course. - Yaay! - (WHOOPING, APPLAUSE) Who's going to Christchurch? You all wanna be here, right? Yeah? Some of you wanna go on to do full-time. Some of you wanna go on to do this as a career. Cos if someone in your team does well and you don't, the way that you act is the most important thing. All right, you can all go now. Well done. I'll see you next week. - GIRLS: Thank you. - You're welcome. Hi! Hello. How are you? Good, good. Come in. Good. Yeah, I'm really interested to hear about your journey and to hear how you lost your leg. I was born with a congenital deformity. And, um, I had an amputation at the ankle joint um, in order to fit me for a prosthetic leg when I was about 18 months old. When it happens to you when you're so young that you don't really process it at that point, I battled with anxiety and depression for a long, long time, and I'm still dealing with it. I'm in a much better space now, but literally just in the last year or so, um, I've only just come right. So you do modelling and stuff? That's cool. Yeah, yeah. It's just, sort of, a hobby. I started to do more creative shoots and get more... bold about, you know, actually utilising my disability as kind of a focal point. Especially at the moment, there's this real body-positivity kind of movement. And I think we're bombarded with perfect images, and we need to remind ourselves that that's not actually real. (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS REPEATEDLY) (SERENE MUSIC) I mean, it's been really interesting talking to other amputees, and especially female, around my age, and talk to them about their journeys and knowing that I'm not the only one that doesn't have it all figured out and I'm not the only one that has these, kind of, flow-on effects from this physical trauma that happened. Yeah, and I think it's really interesting learning that people are at different stages of their process, as well. And, yeah, I definitely learnt more about where I am and how... how I feel about being an amputee and being a female and often feeling quite isolated and that, but then knowing there are actually other people going through this. If that's the way that I can help other people, by telling my story and sharing what I've learnt and, yeah, inspiring them to overcome these challenges that they may face, whatever they might be, then that's really what I wanna be doing. (KEYBOARD CLACKS) (KIDS CHATTER) And I know that you'll put your hands together and give her a big Newton welcome. Hi, guys. How are you? I'm what you call an amputee. And I think people, kind of, automatically presume that I am different. What I'm beginning to figure out is that actually we're all the same. Because in life I think everybody goes through challenges ` things that are really hard, things that make you think, 'This isn't fair. 'Why did this happen to me?' Things like, 'I don't know if I can get through this.' But if there's anything that you can take away from what I'm gonna tell you about today, I hope it is this ` The obstacles in your life don't have to define who you are or who you become. Physical balance is one thing, but we also think about our emotional and mental balance. And sometimes when things are taken away, it's hard to get back to feeling whole again or to feeling balanced. And sometimes it just takes a whole lot of little ingredients to get us back to feeling whole again and to feeling like us. I'm definitely not at the end of my journey in terms of overcoming the challenges that I've been through. But I feel like now I'm at this place where I'm really proud of having one arm and I'm proud that I've accomplished what I have and that I have the ability to do what I do. Yeah, I just love it. Captions by Tracey Dawson. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2017