9 (SLOW, ATMOSPHERIC ELECTRONIC MUSIC) www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2017 We live in a pretty beautiful country, and a lot of people would say that we're quite lucky to be here. But we're not the happiest bunch. We've got the second highest bullying rate in the whole world. And did you know that we've got the highest youth suicide rate in the whole world? But we're still too embarrassed to talk about mental health, and young lives just aren't being taken seriously enough. So, um,... any questions? Anything? (KIDS LAUGH, CHATTER) Where does mental illness start? Psychologists say it begins in childhood. And I can tell you where it ends. So, this is my old house. I lived here with my dad. I haven't been here since the night that he died, so it's pretty weird being here. So basically, what happened that night, I was staying at a motel and I was gonna come home that evening. And he usually left the keys out the front in the mailbox, and the keys weren't there. And then I went to the door and I saw the lights were all on. I knocked on the door, no one answered. And that was my brother's room there, so I broke through it and got inside the house. And, um, that's when I just, like, found him in the living room. Yeah, I feel nothing but` I feel just empty. But I know that once I leave here, everything's just gonna kick in. There's nothing now, but everything's kinda like, just waiting for me to process it. The night before I found him, we'd had a big argument. I said to him, 'Look, I'm gonna leave,' and I went to my mate's house. And right before I left, he broke down in tears and said, 'Why does everybody leave me?' And then I just left, and that's the last conversation we had. You never imagine that someone that you live with, like, your hero, is capable of doing that. My family migrated from Chile to New Zealand when I was 6. My father always gave the impression of being strong and in control. Looking back, there were signs of depression, but we didn't see it. And he probably didn't either. His life didn't have to end this way. If someone had said the right thing at the right time to him as a boy, I wonder if his life would've been different. Having a negative experience at your age now, do you think that will have a lasting effect on your lives? If it's something really big. Yeah, if it's something really big or, like` And if you have a really good memory. If you've got a really good memory, yeah. (CHUCKLES) To help me understand the perspective of young people today, I've found a focus group. These kids are from happy homes, and mentally they're in good health. But they still know about our shocking stats. So, were you aware that New Zealand has the highest youth suicide rate in the world? KIDS: No. Yes, I am aware. Sort of. I'm aware that we come first place to Canada. We've double the suicide rate they have. And they're such a big country. Yep. And we're just small. We should be able to deal with... um, this better. Yeah. Psychologists say an adult's mental health is shaped by what happens in their childhood. By law, we can't film anyone under 18 who is vulnerable. So instead, I'm gonna meet a man who wants to talk about how his traumatic childhood left him with psychological scars. Hey! Daryl. Heya, mate. How are ya? How are ya? Good, good, good. Come in, come in. He has to confront painful memories from his past every day. So, Cori, to give you an idea of the triggers I have to deal with, is if I pretty much stand here in the centre space here, I can say I've lived in a foster home three minutes that way, three minutes that way, and about 10 minutes that way I've lived in a home; and about 18 minutes that way and about 14 minutes that way. Yep. Daryl lived in 80 foster homes, and many were abusive. He has post-traumatic stress. And probably combined around, add another 12 minutes between each of those spaces. Right. And that's just from standing here. Those are all triggers for you, like, if you drive past? All triggers, absolutely. So it's how do you manage that. Do you avoid them or do you...? I used to avoid it, but I think now it's... it is what it is and you can't change it, eh. Yeah. So how do I work with it rather than against it. This episode that we're doing is trying to figure out how when you're growing up as a child, stuff that happens to you, how that affects you in later life. Sure, sure. And, like, you lived in around 80 foster homes by the time you were 18. Yeah, yeah. How did that, like, sort out your identity as an adult? Sure. The only way I can answer that will be the impacts to any child or any person going through such thing will definitely be the loss of identity, eh. You just imagine moving so many times, you're thinking, 'Who am I?' The next one is belongingness. You're trying to find stability, you're trying to find friends, you're trying to remain in something to call something that you belong to. And the last impact that really hits hard the most is trust. I'm walking into a place, Cori, and they're saying, 'You're gonna love here, you're gonna love being here. 'You'll stay here.' Three months later, you're walking home from school, asking to pack your bags, 'Time to go.' So you hear a lot of broken promises. (TINKLY LULLABY) Daryl suffered physical and psychological abuse. He missed out on a happy and healthy childhood. Love, belonging, even toys. And now he's definitely trying to make up for it. This is just half of his collection of McDonald's Happy Meal toys. Oh, that's it, mate. That does it. That... That's me with a flashback. There we go. (TOYS CLATTER) Playing with those toys sorta triggered me a little bit to the point, like, 'Whoa'. It takes you back to that time, eh. Daryl takes anti-anxiety medication to manage. That's how easy it can come and go. But that's just a tiny trigger. That's nothing compared to a flashback, yeah. 47% of all Kiwis experience mental illness at some point. That's nearly every second person. And like my dad, I have depression. I'm a comedian, so for years I've tried to deal with it through humour. I don't really like talking about my feelings that much ` and nor do other Kiwi blokes. I guess it's not considered manly. That's something that a sensitive boy quickly discovers. Even though we've got the second highest bullying rate in the world, just the fact that we're talking about this now. When I grew up, we also had bullies but we never had conversations like that. Do you think that it's good to talk about things like this? Mm-hm. Will it make you more open to, if something in the future comes up, to talking to your friends about it? Yeah. To an adult. Yeah? I think money's a big part of bullying as well, since people that obviously make fun of you if your parents are poor or if you are wearing bad stuff, and that's just how children are these days. Yeah. And if you do something, like, by accident, then you might get a bad reputation and you might get bullied for that. Then that sticks with you for the whole time, doesn't it? Yeah. That might be something that will stay with you long-term. Yeah. This is where I went to school. That park there, that's where my dad would wait for me every day after school. He'd park right there. I was lucky to have loving and supportive parents. Don't know if you can see through there, that double-storey house there. That was my old house, up the top flat. The tough bit was moving to a country where I spoke no English. When I was little, this seemed like a massive road, but now it's so small. I guess cos I'm massive now, so. I never really experienced real bullying, but definitely kids would make fun of my parents cos they spoke a different language or cos they were cleaners. Like, that was their job ` they cleaned toilets, and that's what we used to get hassled about. When I was teased for speaking Spanish, I felt embarrassed. But new research shows it's not just victims who suffer the lasting consequences. Bullies also have an increased chance of developing a psychiatric disorder by the age of 30. Our children's commissioner is alarmed. About 25%, about, of New Zealand kids reported serious incidents of bullying. Enough for them to want to talk about it and report it. So we've got to take that issue seriously. Imagine a child's life is like a chair with four legs. I think four areas have to be functioning and strong to give stability to the life ` home, school, friends, community. That is a stable and a loving home which provides boundaries, provides discipline, provides nurture. (CHOIR SINGS 'MEN OF HARLECH') This is the field where I grew up playing soccer. Came here pretty much every weekend. Started playing soccer when I was` all my life, I think. I went to an all-boys' Catholic high school, and not just football, rugby was massive there. Like, you could be the smartest guy, you could be good at arts, you could be a good musician or whatever, but that's always gonna come second, unfortunately, to being rugby players in New Zealand. If you didn't play rugby, they'd call you a homo or whatever. Being a teenager is hard enough as it is, let alone when you're in a male-dominated high school where the rugby players are the heroes of the school. Perhaps it's our masculine culture which contributes to the high rate of male suicide. It's easy to assume, so I'm off to a psychologist for answers. We've got a massive suicide rate in New Zealand. Is that linked to gender? Is that linked to going back again to the whole 'harden up' attitude? So many people probably don't wanna talk about it because that's how they've grown up, like, being told, 'Oh, just harden up, mate.' So whenever they have a problem, they just won't say anything ` till it's too late. It's kind of like asking what starts a fire. There's so many different things. What we do know are the conditions around depression, what conditions make people particularly predisposed to be depressed, what conditions make people particularly predisposed to suicide. And part of those conditions are masculinity. Where does this masculine pressure come from, do you reckon? Part of masculinity is about being self-reliant and independent and sorting out problems yourself. And if you can't sort out problems yourself, then there's something wrong with you. And that's a particularly damaging aspect of masculinity for people. Because people who think that they have to fix their own problems for themselves, for a problem like depression where it involves social isolation, going somewhere by yourself and feeling bad about yourself and criticising yourself, one of the most important tools to get out of that is social support. The old 'harden up, take it on the chin' attitude, that is not a recipe for addressing the sort of issues that can lead to depression and even suicide. The recipe is to talk about it, to get assistance, to get help. I mean, a problem shared is often a problem halved. Sadly, being social is the last thing that anyone in the throes of depression feels like doing. Me, I just, like, out of nowhere, when I was at uni, the first time I started feeling down. What made it better was just going for a walk up and down the street. I just loved people-watching. I'd just hate going home, so I'd go for a walk. I'd spend hours just walking in circles around Cuba Street. Was my first year at uni, and I went to see a counsellor and stuff. I got diagnosed with depression for the first time. Growing up, all I did was play sports and just try to make my parents proud and stuff, so I never knew what depression was. And then all of a sudden I was flatting by myself at uni, doing a part-time job, and I was a grown-up for the first time. And then it just hit me, people can get sad. And, yeah, and I was. Back then, no one really talked about depression. I guess it was seen as shameful. But I'm getting better at sharing. Oh, there he is. There he is. I can have a laugh with my friend Willie and open up to him. He has a background working with troubled youth. Me, myself, I'm just trying to put out that message to just be comfortable in your own skin. You know, as my uncle alludes to, turangawaewae stand tall. Don't care what anyone else thinks. 7.5 billion people in the world and only one of you, so just be yourself. These days it's good to talk. Don't be afraid to speak up and engage and talk to those people, best friends, family, Mum, Dad. That's it, man, you've just gotta talk about it. Just engage, yeah. 100%. Like, um, that's a huge deal is to speak up, cos when you bottle everything up and, you know, one thing can tip you over the edge. Yeah, bro. And it happens all the time, and I've seen it first-hand. Yeah. Yeah. We say that using humour is a good way to get through to people and to get them to open up, but in New Zealand, humour is also a good way to get out of that. Masking it. 100%. A lot of Kiwis just brush it off, like, 'She'll be right. Yeah, and have a laugh about it. That's the thing, eh, have a laugh about it. Then when everyone leaves it's like` Yeah, just have a cry. Have a cry, yeah. That's it in a nutshell. Thanks so much, Willie. Thanks for everything, eh. 'Men swallow emotions.' Have a good day, bro. Yeah. A lot of the time I use humour to mask mine. People expect you to cry less and... That's right. Like, when boys cry, it's a different... result to when girls cry. Yeah. People might say it's a sign of weakness, but it's not. Yeah, exactly. And they might bully you because you start crying, and then it carries on. It carries into social. Like, crying's just an emotion. (RAIN DRIPS SOFTLY) (HAMMERING) Accepting his culture has helped Daryl heal. Hello. Oh, you're awesome, darling. Mwah! Look at this. Where do you feel more at home, your Chinese background or your Maori background? Um, at first I think I felt more comfortable within the Chinese realm. Don't wanna lose my finger. (LAUGHS) That's because growing up, you're told, you know, 'Maori are useless, they're lazy, 'they do drugs, they do alcohol, they go to jail.' White people don't look after these things, eh. It does my head in. As someone younger growing up, I didn't want to relate to that culture. And then as I started my journey, I thought, 'It's really important 'to find out who I really am and where I come from.' I educate children around the world now. And often I say to children, 'Imagine you've got a backpack on. 'With what's happened to you, what do you own? What do you own inside of that backpack?' So let's look at me for an example. When they pinned me down and put a spider in my mouth and made me chew, I was angry, I was frustrated, I felt helpless. Um, but do I own that? No. Because I never asked for that to happen to me. So growing up now, I can say, 'You don't own that, Daryl. It's not yours to own.' And then as you go sequence through life, you'll find that my backpack's actually quite light. (CHUCKLES) And I'm able to manoeuvre. So if you guys were having a hard time, what would you do about it? Go see a therapist or, like, a counsellor. Talk to your parents as much as you can. Talk to friends, like, talk to people who think they might be able to help. Like, people that you know quite well. Yeah. Do you guys have people that you trust that you can just go to if something's wrong? KIDS: Yeah. You don't necessarily tell your teachers, cos some of this might be things you don't need your teacher knowing. Yeah. Like, so you can just tell your parents cos, yeah, they know you a lot better. Yeah. And then they can help out. If you heard that one of your friends was seeing a therapist would you think that was wrong, or is that a good thing? It's a good thing. It's a good thing. If they need it, they need it. It's good. Yeah, 'course. When I heard about what Daryl went through, I wasn't expecting to meet someone as cheerful. At the same time, he lives with some pretty serious health conditions, all of them a direct consequence of a traumatic upbringing. I want to know if acceptance is the key. I was given medication to start off with, and I thought, 'God, I'm not taking this. This is crazy.' I'm thinking people might label me as crazy. Yeah. And I sat in a waiting room one day and a guy was talking about how he's diabetic. And I said, 'Oh, what do you take for your diabetes?' And he said, 'I take insulin.' And he goes, 'Are you diabetic?' And I said, 'No, no, no, no.' And he goes, 'You're lucky your body's creating its own insulin.' And then it dawned on me ` click! 'Daryl, it's OK to take pills 'for your health because you simply don't have that chemical any more.' Yeah. And that's how I got to accept it's OK. You have no problem taking medication or telling people that they should? Or do you think it's up to them? People can get by without it, or...? Well, personally, I think` I'm strong, very strong. And I thought I could do without it. And I learned, 'No, Daryl, that's no the case.' Yeah. You've got to take that in order to have that stability, eh. Yeah. Then if it's gonna help me, why not? If it's gonna make me make sense of the world, why not? If it's gonna give me a better quality of life, then why not? Yeah. We're all gonna need help at some stages. We're all gonna need the input of others and of experts sometimes. There's no shame in that. It's been the case for me, it's been the case for most of my friends. At tough times in life, we need genuine help, support and expert input. We've gotta make that... acceptable and normative. So, I guess the main reason I want to do this series is my dad committed suicide four years ago now. And I'm just trying to` Coming into it, I didn't know what I was gonna get out of it. I see it as a bit of therapy for myself. Even talking to you today and talking to the kids as well, it's been so helpful. Like, I've realised it's just talking. It's just talking to people, that's the most important thing that we've gotta do. Condolences in respect to what you're saying. Absolutely with you there. Um... coming out and talking about it is not a job; it's a responsibility, eh. I think in foster care, especially, a lot of suicides do happen. In my lifetime, I would've seen at least 15 to 20, to be honest. I got to that stage in life 15, 16 years old, easy, where I just said, 'Look, there's nothing more that I can do. 'And what's life beyond this life? It's just absolutely pointless.' I don't think most New Zealanders know, in reality, the profound levels of disadvantage and neglect, the hard edge of youth suicide, of bullying. It's an area that we've gotta confront and talk about. And that's gotta be the start of some social change. As a social worker in New Zealand's foster care system, Daryl confronts his past daily. His childhood experiences help guide him when working with families. I just love what I do here. I mean, to allow whanau to be with whanau is so awesome. And to get children out of the state care system is just absolutely amazing. And to be part of that, I'm just truly blessed to be here. I could have a case where abuse has happened to a child. And from my experience, I can understand from that child's view. Thank you. A lot of it, too, is broken generations. You know, look at myself ` third generation broken, not knowing who you are. I saw a great T-shirt at a conference that said, 'Every generation better.' And here was a woman holding her youngest child, and she said, 'Actually, my husband and I didn't do that crash-hot a job for the first three. 'We've got some help, we've got some input. We're gonna be better parents. Violence is ending.' We need three or a good four generations of absolute solidness to bring that back into once space again. And it's the kids who suffer in the end. Parents, they're mean to their children, and then their children get really angry about that and they have no one to talk to about that. It's just like a chain that` It's a chain, yeah. Mummy, Daddy! (SQUEALS) Daddy! Hi! Hi! Hello! (KIDS SQUEAL HAPPILY) Can I open the gate? 'The therapist, I've been seeing for two years, non-stop, twice a week.' Hello! 'So that allows me to express how I feel and make sense of how I feel. 'Yes, I need the pills; yes, I need the therapist, but I also need my daughters. 'I need the hugs, I need the kisses, I need the love.' (SINGS) How are you? Aunty said to say hello. Money can't buy active, enthusiastic parental involvement in those first thousand days. And that's a good challenge for all parents, all fathers. I mean, being challenged many times by the quote that nobody wanted and wished to write on their gravestone, 'I wished I'd spent more time in the office.' Yeah. But it's something that seduces and sucks in all working parents. - (KIDS CHATTER) - Hi, everyone. Hey! How are you? Hello. We're trying to find something circle. Something circle? We're trying to find something circle. Can you help us? (GASPS) Is that a circle? Plate! Is that a circle? Plate. Yes. But we want something to fit into here. What's this? Tomato! Oh my gosh. 'Seeing Daryl with his kids, it's clear that the cycle is broken.' What kinda things have you taken from that in how you're gonna put into raising your kids? I think for me it's` For them, it's not overdoing it too much. Some psychologists say we're the most underfathered generation in history. Without good male role models around, how can we expect to have happy, healthy children? And that's my focus now ` to be the best father I can be. I still experience depression, but I'm learning to recognise the symptoms and talk about them with the people I love. But creating a more accepting society is everyone's responsibility. What difference do you think you guys can make? Now that we know about this at a young age, we can make other, like, grown-ups and stuff aware of it. Yeah. If we see it's happening, we can try and put a stop to it. And do you guys do that now, if you see someone being mean to someone else, do you bring it up? (KIDS AGREE) If someone else is getting bullied, I... try to help them. Yeah. Or when someone's hurt, you try to just take care of them for a while. Another thing we can do to help is when we grow up and have kids, we can tell them all this stuff that we know now. Yeah. So they don't result in becoming bullies or bad people. It sounds like you guys are a lot more aware of it than when I was young. I started out wanting to understand our high youth suicide rate. But I'm realising we need to reinvent how we see ourselves as men. It's good to talk. It's good to share feelings. And there's nothing wrong with getting help. If this group of boys is anything to go by, I've got hope. (KIDS HUM UPBEAT TUNE) Captions by Tracey Dawson. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2017