* Mum was right, and that's always hard when you're a teenager to admit that your parents were right all along. Each KG, it sort of unlocked a new emotion within me, and it reminded me of how I could feel and how I used to feel. I think back to the times of fighting ` not only with my family but with myself, with my own mind. Captions by Antony Vlug. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2018 We're all afraid of something. Even the bravest person alive surely has something that they fear. Think of that one thing that makes you tense up or get your heart racing. Have you got it? Imagine that you're stranded on an island. You're starving. Your body is fading, and with each day that passes, you're getting weaker and weaker. Then you manage to catch a cockroach. The logical part of you knows that you have to eat it in order to survive. The other part of your brain will look at it and say no. Think of the battle between both halves ` the fight with yourself. The guilt. The disgust. My other half was anorexia. Anorexia's biggest fear ` food. (TYPEWRITER CLACKS) It's been about two years since I was diagnosed with anorexia. I know it's going to be a long and bumpy road, but I've found so far the better I am, the more I have to live for. I had to move home for a few months after my diagnosis. It's been the worst part of my life so far. Not just for me, but I know for my family as well. They say anorexia is a disease that affects the entire family, and personally I couldn't agree more. I want to help my family understand me more. I wanna remedy the things that I've said and done, as well as the many misconceptions and frustrations that they have. Anorexia crept into my life so stealthily and quietly, that at first only others saw her there. I was in denial. I can only imagine what it must have been like for my family and for my friends seeing me disintegrate into a black shadowy shell of myself. And then obviously Mum and Dad, it was, like, super hard on them. I... Yeah. Yeah, it hurts me to think how hard it was on them. Especially... Well, Mum, obviously, because she had to quit her job for me. Mum, I'm just gonna go for a walk, if that's OK? OK, darling. Don't go too far, will you? Love you. Love you too. See you when you get back. Yep. See you. Yeah. She still has quite a few things that she doesn't like to eat. She quite likes to make her own lunch. She'll cook up herself some quinoa or brown rice or make something like that for lunch. I'm a bit concerned that she might of lost some weight recently, and just as a mother, like, that just goes straight` You know, anyone who has a child with anorexia will know exactly. That's the first thing you, sort of, might check out, and it's just a stab in the heart if you see that she's lost a little bit of weight. I was always a happy, bubbly kid. Until I moved town. Moving from this vastness and freedom to a life with regimes and a school of over 700, I didn't know who I was any more. I felt depressed and often had overwhelmingly huge waves of hopelessness and frustration wash over me. Then I started rowing, where the expectations regarding results and healthy eating started to consume me. When rowing ended, I continued to cut more and more foods out of my diet that I deemed unhealthy until there's very little left. It became addictive. During this time, I was incredibly fatigued and had no energy at all, yet still I forced myself to slave away at the gym. I locked myself and then closed the world out. My lack of personality led to my parents taking action. I was made to attend multiple appointments, but no matter who I went to see, I was still rapidly losing weight and my mental state was not improving. My family... were always... so determined to get me better. And I was determined... to please them and to let them... continue their lives. Everything got put on hold for me. Mum quit her job. Jordan was considering quitting uni. Everything was just so paused all because of me. And the guilt that came with that was really, really horrible and really, really heavy on my shoulders. And I knew that the only way that I could stop that was to get better. This is kinda like my second year going through this, like, sickness and this journey, and it's kinda weird, like, looking back at what I wrote and how my mindset was so based around, like, people making me have food; they were bad; food was bad. Like, everything about that was so negative, and then anything, like, diet-based was so good. Like the titles of it ` 'fit' or 'healthy', 'carbs'. Like, it's just so weird to think that that's, like, was my main importance. And, like, I've come so far since then, but it's scary to think that that's the hole that I was in at the time of writing these. When I wrote this, kinda like, frustration page stuff, I guess I was, like... It was all just kinda built up inside of me, and I felt like I couldn't, like, get it out. Like, this was kinda like a vent, I guess. A list of things I started noticing happening to me ` 'I'm so nervous about everything to do with food. For example, going out or away. 'I need to know the food plan for the near future, otherwise I start feeling super anxious. 'My hair's starting to fall out. 'I get so dizzy, I have to stand up slowly or I feel like I'm gonna black out 'and my vision goes all bad for a few seconds. 'Jeepers, my bones hurt when I lie or sit down for a long time. 'My bones and joints really hurt. It feels like they're rubbing against each other.' It's cos they probably were. It's scary knowing that, like, I didn't realise. Like, it's just so obvious that, like, it's cos you were sick. But I didn't realise. Like, I just kinda brush it off. Like, I didn't acknowledge that that was actually a problem. I'm so scared of getting fat. It is so frustrating, though, because I know it is healthy to be covered and strong, and that comes with a little bit of extra softness sometimes. But the rest of the world seems to disagree. That looks yummy. Being entrenched in anorexia for so long is incredibly dangerous. Hello. I'm so excited. The anorexic brain can actually take over and become you, and this is what I was in danger of. Nice to see you. You too. Is my sister coming? Mm-hm. Hello. Hello, sister. How's school? School, it's good. Good to see you. You too. There's cauliflower in the salad? Living with anorexia is like living with another brain. A horrible brain that defies everything you know to be true in order to decrease your calorific consumption. Recovery has been the hardest thing that I can ever imagine myself doing. It's the hardest thing that I have ever done, and I don't think I will ever do anything that has been this challenging. I've been taken out of school. I was at home. I was studying at home. Like, the isolation from my friends was really difficult and just... constantly being with Mum and Dad was... tiring and frustrating, and there was really tense moments where I wondered if we were` like, our relationships were gonna withstand what we were going through. I was really afraid of carbs, so she'd tell me all the good things about carbs. And I was really afraid of, like, dairy, so she'd tell me all the goods things about dairy. And then I'd go off and research it, and all of a sudden realise that actually they weren't too bad. And so slowly together in our different ways, all combining together, we'd just... we'd overcome my fears of what they'd do to my body. And, like, my misconceptions as to why they were bad or why I thought they were bad. And we just slowly moved forward, and the appointments became fewer and fewer, until not very long ago, I was able to be discharged, which was really exciting for all of us, because it was a huge milestone not having to... like, confirm what we thought with a professional. Just knowing in ourselves that what we were doing was enough. I've got an entry on Dad talking about salt and how it scared me. 'I sat down at the table to enjoy the delicious meal that Dad had made me. 'I went to go put some salt on it, and he said, "You won't eat potatoes, but you eat salt." 'He said, "Potatoes are good for you, but salt's not." 'It made me so mad, because part of my eating disorder 'is to associate everything back to the health level of it, and this was therefore a huge trigger for me. 'I've now completely cut down eating salt, and even though my good brain 'knows it isn't something to worry about eating, I still won't eat it.' Say when. There. Sweet. (SHEEP BLEAT) When you had first got really sick, and you stopped coming on the farm with me, and I'd discover that it was because every time we got on the farm, I'd have you cornered and I'd sorta start questioning you. So you made a rule` Grilling me about it. So we made a rule that when you're on the farm or with me, we wouldn't talk about... Mm-hm. About anorexia. Which was cool, cos it was like my safe zone. I knew that if I came out here with you, then I didn't have to talk about... It could be forgotten for a little while. Which was cool. Yeah. And that was cool that it was with you, so you were kinda like my go-to safe person, I guess, if I just wanted to get away from it. Do you find it strange being such, like, a... body-based sickness. Like, do you find it ever weird talking to me about that? No, not at all. No. No? It took a long time to get my head around it. Like, anorexia, it was... How simple is that to fix? You just put food in your mouth and eat it. Yeah. It took me a long time to really understand how... what the problem was and how sick you were. Mm-hm. Yep. So, when I'd run into people, and they'd say, 'Oh, I hear you` Robyn's in Hamilton,' I would, um... tell them and tell them why. Yeah. I thought, 'I'm not gonna hide this thing. I know it is something that is hidden.' I thought it was nothing any of us had done wrong, and you'd` When you'd, um... As soon as you'd tell someone, I could pick up whether they knew something about it or not. Just from how they reacted. Yeah, like their reaction. Really? Yep. That's interesting. Straight away, like, I remember the first person that I mentioned it to that I picked up that he understood about it. He said, 'Oh, you poor bugger. 'Man, you guys have a long road in front of you.' This this whole, sort of, two years or two and a half years has just been terrifying. (CHUCKLES) Hmm. (CHUCKLES) (EXHALES) Don't. (CHUCKLES) We had a perfectly healthy, fit, athletic girl, and all of a sudden she` Not all of a sudden, but... she's just so sick and weak and couldn't do anything for herself. Your mum had mentioned it to me, you know, 'She could drop dead at any minute.' And I sort of, 'Yeah,' Blew over it. But, yeah, then when it did come to my attention how right Mum was, it was` Yeah, that was terrifying, all right. How do you feel like my sickness has impacted you specifically? For me, it's been real hard, cos I've seen how sick you were. (DOG BARKS) Or... And are too, I guess. But I've also seen how it's affected your mum. So your mum just sees it, sees you being knocked around. Whereas I see you and Mum being knocked around. Yeah. So I see two people being` really suffering from it. Is there anything you regret? Um, yep. (CHUCKLES) Yep. With` I think your mother and I have been living with anorexia for two years, or a bit over two years, and you've been living with it for probably closer to three years or a good two and a half years. And the regret` Oh, it's not your` The regret, I guess, is the fact that we didn't pick up on it earlier. But I think that's one of the... One of the, um, issues with anorexia is you don't` People don't realise that their, um... that their loved one has actually got it or is getting it. By the time you realise what's actually happening, you're sort of entrenched. (TYPEWRITER CLACKS) 'I feel shit today because Jordan's home, which is great, but everyone thinks she's so fantastic. 'I feel like I have to compare myself to her. She always pushes me.' She's kinda been caught in the middle almost because she` Like, we've always been super tight, and so I kinda tell her everything, but I feel like she kinda felt like she was balancing between, like, being there for me and then, like, updating Mum and Dad and, like, yeah, almost pulled two separate ways, and that kinda challenged our,... like, the strength of our relationship. So, how's it been back at boarding? Like, do you feel... Like people are watching? Yeah, or like everyone's accepted you back in or...? It was weird at the start. Like, at mealtimes, everyone was kinda like, 'Oh, like, there's the anorexic.' Like, 'What's she eating? What's she eating for dinner?' Like, kinda I guess, gauging what had changed since I had last been there and stuff. I sort of think, like, anorexia is not contagious, but like` Oh, I fully agree. I reckon it's contagious. Yeah. But not like in the normal sense, but I definitely reckon it... Yeah, like a little bit contagious. Or not necessarily contagious cos it's` you know, it's... It's part of your brain, but the behaviours of it can rub off sometimes and, like, especially on... Like, I notice when we'd go and eat with other families and stuff, the girls your age, like Amelia, would always be... Yeah, I noticed that too. She'd always, like, watch what you'd eat, and, like, she wouldn't eat any more. It really affected our relationship as well, like, between you and me, because you knew that when I came home, Mum was gonna be tougher on you because she had me there to help her. I used to dread you coming home. Yeah, I know, and, like, we have always been so close and, like, best mates kinda thing. And then I definitely felt like you hated it when I came` Like, you loved seeing me, but you hated` Like, anorexia hated. You know how I've got my recovery journal? (CHUCKLES) Yeah. I've got an entry, and it's like, 'Jordan came home, which is great' ` in brackets ` 'but I hate it how she always makes me eat challenging foods. It's shitty.' (BOTH CHUCKLE) I remember when` Cos we'd talked about that day before, and you said to me that, like, you couldn't` You couldn't think of anything to say because your mind was just so focused on food. Yeah. Like, your whole brain was just taken up with food... Mm-hm. ...that you couldn't, like, think of any chat or anything. And, like, I remember that same summer when we went out for dinner with you and Cam ` and Louis was there as well ` and, like, everyone was talking and stuff, and it's like you're trying to think of something to say, but no one else realises that that's like your battlefield, not like a dinner for you. Yeah. I was so angry at you, but, you know, like, I wasn't` I knew it wasn't your fault, but I was just like, 'Come back to me.' Hmm. I wanted to get back to how I was. I wanted to be able to have banter with my friends. I wanted to be able to joke around and be stupid and... cry and be out in the rain and live life and feel life's... nasty, good bits and all the gritty stuff and the raw moments that you get from just being alive and just... being a piece of the world. And I just` I couldn't wait to be a part of that any more, and again I knew that the only way I could do that was... (SIGHS) one spoonful after the next. (CHUCKLES) (WATER RUNS) At the start, it wasn't really about weight, but then... like, you'd see what you'd lost, and all of a sudden, like, you'd want to lose more. When I was really sick and I looked in the mirror, I was, sort of, analysing myself, and I'd try and put myself in my family's boots and, like, try and see me from how they would see me and envision me. Um... And, like, I'd see how thin and how, like, dangerous I'd gotten. But then... like, I would look at myself from my own perspective and not see that any more. Like, I'd just see, like, what weight I still had to lose and stuff like that. I was so weak that I was falling asleep in class. My heart rate was 38. My body was so low in potassium that I was at risk of dropping dead. Me and Mum had a big fight about carbs today. Carbs were a big fear food for me. Such a warped idea of what she was doing. And, like, I thought that she was in the wrong. Like, I could just see it breaking her, but I... felt like I was so right that I couldn't let her not know that. Possum, did you want normal tea or green tea? Normal, please. Thanks, Mum. How did you find lunch today? It was good. It was yum. Really? Hmm. Yay. How about we have quiche more often? How did you find that? Were you` Did it worry you? There were so many people around, it kinda distracted me. Hmm. It's weird how once upon a time, that would have been off the cards. Hmm. Like, you know what I mean? That never would have happened. I know. It's so cool to be able to see you doing that and know how far you've come. I just reminded myself the other day, you know, to make sure that I let you know how... Don't cry. proud I am that you've come so far. Thank you. I was just going through my recovery journal, and the list of, like, fear foods and stuff, and it was, like, milk, yoghurt, like, just... Like avocado, like, just weird stuff that I can't believe ever scared me. What do you think, like, the worst point was for you? Like, is there any, like, stand-out moments that you were like, 'Oh, shit, this is bad.' When I'd given up work and we were living in Hamilton, and at that stage, you were really` before I bought you home and started refeeding you myself. Hmm. I mean, I thought that would be the hardest point, but it was before I actually did it, and just going along with the dietician and all those other useless plans and things like that, and, you know, maybe that time where I tried to put a tablespoon of chilli sauce in the... I had a freak-out. I remember that. Hmm. Just that sorta thing. Like, I always had to be careful if I made frittata and I want to put some` hide some cheese or cream in it for the extra calories. I just used to have to turn myself inside out to try to hide that from you, and I was always really nervous that you'd find out. And completely... That used to break me that you were so afraid of me. Yeah. But I was afraid of me too, so I don't blame you. When you let me hug you, it was just so connecting. I suppose, like, the whole, like,... compassion was kinda shut down, cos I didn't have any excess... capacity for it... in my... state of being fully revolving around food and` Was that because your brain was fully taken up with your regime of... Yep. ...food and what you could eat and what you couldn't eat and losing weight? Like, there was no` And the rest of it was just like white noise, just deafening white noise that wouldn't allow for... that. Like, it was, like, all... positive emotions were drugged almost. That night that you crawled up into that little hole and just started scratching your face because you were tearing yourself to pieces, I just thought there was never any way out of it, and I seriously... I was seriously worried about you just committing suicide. And every time you went out the door, I thought you might not come back. There's been times where I've been so close to just refusing to participate in life and just shut off and just stop. There's been moments where I've just wished that I could just stop, just crawl up and just not be any more, just... be so, like, separate from everything that was going on. Yeah, it's... The fear and the frustration and the depression and the anxiety, there's no way that you can explain how crippling and how terrifying it all is. Today I'm doing so much better, and I'm continuing to challenge myself and to be challenged by my family. Each KG brought back` like, it sort of unlocked a new emotion within me, and it reminded me of how I could feel and of how I used to feel. Mum was right, and that's always hard when you're a teenager to admit that your parents were right all along. When walking up a hill, I find that when I get to the top, I often think back to when I was at the base and looking up. And I feel so overwhelmed by relief that I am no longer there. This feeling is incredibly similar to when I look back at my journey with anorexia. I think back to the times of fighting, not only with my family but with myself, with my own mind. I think back to the moments where I convinced myself that my hunger was my body applauding. I think back to screaming at my mum for putting sauce in my meal, convinced that it was my enemy. But of all of these moments, I also think of the most important times. When ano was screaming in my head and I took another bite. And from where I am, looking down from a point high up, although not quite at the top, there is a beautiful view of my future and what is yet to come. 'Reasons to get better and why life is awesome. 'So I can stay with my friends. To go on holiday. Feeling raindrops on your face. 'Running with the dogs. Smelling spring. Hearing the rain on the roof. 'And singing in the shower. 'Life is so beautiful, but you can't see it if your eyes are shut.' Captions by Antony Vlug. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2018