TIME NOW FOR SEVEN SHARP, AND TOILET TRAINING FOR ADULTS? YES, IT TURNS OUT WE'VE BEEN DOING IT ALL WRONG. WE'LL TELL YOU WHAT WE MEAN SHORTLY. BUT FIRST, FLIGHTS ACROSS THE DITCH ARE FILLING UP FAST, AIR NZ RECORDING WHAT'S IT'S CALLED A RECORD SALES DAY ON THE TASMAN. IT'S NO REAL SURPRISE, GIVEN THE EASING OF RESTRICTIONS OVER TRANS-TASMAN TRAVEL, BUT COULD THE HIDDEN COSTS OF AN UNEXPECTED LOCKDOWN CLIP OUR WINGS? # COME, FLY WITH ME. COME, FLY - LET'S FLY AWAY. AFTER A YEAR OF BEING STUCK AT HOME, WE'RE GOING CRAZY OVER THE THOUGHT OF A TRIP TO OZ. IN THE LAST 24 HOURS, MANY OF US HAVE LOCKED ONE IN. SO IF YOU'VE BOOKED THE SEAT, SAVED THE DATE AND CHECKED YOUR PASSPORT'S STILL VALID, YOU MAY WONDER WHETHER IT'S WORTH FORKING OUT FOR TRAVEL INSURANCE. ONE GROUP OF PROVIDERS SAYS BEFORE COVID HIT, ONLY 40% OF US BOUGHT INSURANCE FOR A TRIP ACROSS THE DITCH ` THE BULK OF THE CLAIMS BEING FOR MEDICAL REASONS, CANCELLATIONS AND DAMAGED, MISSING OR STOLEN LUGGAGE. WHEN WE WADE THROUGH THE Ts AND Cs OF A POLICY, WE TELL OURSELVES, 'IT WON'T HAPPEN TO ME,' BUT IF LAST YEAR'S TAUGHT US ANYTHING, IT'S TO EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED. SO HOW DO WE MAKE SURE WE'RE SAFE, NOT SORRY? # SO LET'S FLY AWAY. # AND TIM GRAFTON IS THE CHIEF EXECUTIVE OF THE INSURANCE COUNCIL. HE'S HERE TO EXPLAIN HOW IT ALL WORKS. GREAT TO TALK TO YOU, TIM. SO WE KNOW PLENTY OF KIWIS HAVE ALREADY BOOKED FLIGHTS TO AUSTRALIA; WHAT SHOULD THEY BE LOOKING OUT FOR WHEN IT COMES TO INSURANCE? WELL, THE NUMBER-ONE THING IS BUY INSURANCE WHEN YOU BOOK, SO YOU'RE COVERED FROM THE GET GO. REMEMBER LAST MONTH, THERE WAS WIDESPREAD FLOODING IN NEW SOUTH WALES? THAT KIND OF EVENT COULD WREAK HAVOC FOR YOUR HOLIDAY. SO BUY WHEN YOU BOOK, SO YOU'RE COVERED IF YOU HAVE THAT KIND OF EXTREME WEATHER EVENT, BEFORE YOU GO. AND, OF COURSE, INSURANCE WILL COVER YOU FOR LOST LUGGAGE, THEFT OF GOODS AND ANY MEDICAL COST YOU MIGHT HAVE TO INCUR. AND WHAT ISN'T COVERED THAT COULD CATCH PEOPLE OUT? WELL, I THINK IMPORTANTLY, IN THESE COVID TIMES, I SHOULD SAY THAT WHEN YOU WANT TO GO TO AUSTRALIA, THERE ARE SOME INSURERS WHO ARE PROVIDING YOU WITH COVID COVER. SO THAT MEANS THAT IF YOU GET OVER THERE, AND YOU TESTED POSITIVE FOR COVID, THEN THE ADDITIONAL COST THAT YOU MIGHT INCUR WOULD BE COVERED FROM SOME OF THOSE INSURERS. BUT IMPORTANTLY, WHAT IS NOT COVERED IS ANY DECISION THAT A STATE, FEDERAL OR EVEN THE NZ GOVERNMENT MIGHT MAKE THAT SAYS HEY, YOU'RE IN LOCKDOWN ` YOU'VE GOTTA STAY IN THIS LOCATION FOR THE NEXT TWO, THREE, FOUR WEEKS; THEN THAT WILL NOT BE COVERED. SO PLAN FOR THAT KIND OF POTENTIAL EVENT OCCURRING. YEAH, THAT'S AN IMPORTANT ONE TO POINT OUT, ISN'T IT? IF THOSE LEVELS CHANGE AND YOU DO GET STUCK, YOU WON'T BE COVERED FOR ANY OF THE COSTS THAT YOU INCUR WHILE WAITING FOR A FLIGHT BACK. YEAH, AND THAT'S IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER, THAT OVER THE LAST 12 MONTHS, WE'VE HAD LOCKDOWNS HERE IN NZ, IN VICTORIA, IN BRISBANE JUST RECENTLY. SO THESE THINGS CAN HAPPEN; YOU CAN GET LEAKAGE OUT OF MIQ FACILITIES OVER IN AUSTRALIA, SO YOU CAN END UP IN THAT KIND OF SITUATION. TIM, SOME PROVIDERS HAVE COVID COVER, WHILE OTHERS DON'T. IS IT WORTH HAVING.? OH, LOOK, IF YOU'RE WORRIED THAT YOU MIGHT GET COVID OR TEST POSITIVE FOR COVID, AND YOU END UP HAVING TO END UP IN SOME SPECIAL ACCOMMODATION OR HAVE YOUR FLIGHTS CANCELLED, THEN IT'S GONNA BE VERY MUCH WORTH IT. AND THE COST OF INSURANCE HERE IS NOT THAT EXPENSIVE. SO WHAT'S YOUR ADVICE TO THOSE WHO ARE TRAVELLING ACROSS THE DITCH? WELL, NUMBER ONE ` BUY INSURANCE WHEN YOU BOOK, SO YOU'RE COVERED FROM THE GET GO. NUMBER TWO ` ASK YOUR INSURER, YOU KNOW, AM I COVERED FOR COVID-19? AND WHAT AM I NOT COVERED FOR? SO YOU GET TO UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT YOU CAN EXPECT WHEN YOU GET OVER THERE. BUT IT IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO GET INSURANCE COVER, BECAUSE OF ALL THOSE UNEXPECTED THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU, THAT COULD RUIN A HOLIDAY AND BRING BIG COSTS DOWN UPON YOU. YEAH, WE CERTAINLY DON'T WANT THAT. THAT YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR TIME TONIGHT, TIM. NGA MIHI. THANK YOU. CAPTIONS BY JADE FERNANDES, JAMES BROWN AND FAITH HAMBLYN. CAPTIONS WERE MADE WITH THE SUPPORT OF NZ ON AIR. WWW.ABLE.CO.NZ COPYRIGHT ABLE 2021. THE OTHER THING THAT HAS HAPPENED IN THE LAST 24 HOURS AS THERE HAS BEEN A HUGE RUSH ON PASSPORTS. BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T BEEN TRAVELLING FOR SUCH A LONG TIME, PEOPLE HAVE LOOKED AT THEIR PASSPORTS AND THEN THEY HAVE EXPIRED. I NEED A NEW PASSPORT. MINE EXPIRED IN JULY. WOULD YOU GET A NEW ONE? NO. I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE. I LOVE IT HERE. I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE. WHERE I GOING TO GO? I AND GOING TO THE CATLINS. A LOT OF PEOPLE WILL BE RETICENT. DEFINITELY IF YOU CAN STAY WITH YOUR FAMILY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THE COST OF ACCOMMODATION, OR IF YOU ARE RETIRED OR SELF-EMPLOYED, IT IS OK. I DON'T WANT YOU GOING OVER THERE AND GETTING STUCK FOR TWO WEEKS. WITH THE TRANS-TASMAN BUBBLE ABOUT TO OPEN, IT'S IMPORTANT WE DO EVERYTHING WE CAN TO STAY AHEAD OF THE VIRUS, LIKE USING THE COVID TRACER APP. THE APP HOLDS VITAL CLUES IF WE HAVE TO ACTIVATE OUR CONTACT TRACING TEAM. BUT WHO ARE THESE CONTACT TRACERS? WHERE DID THEY COME FROM? AND WHAT EXACTLY DO THEY DO? HERE'S CAROLYN ROBINSON. CONTACT TRACING. CONTACT TRACING. CONTACT TRACING. CONTACT TRACING. CONTACT TRACING. IT'S A JOB MOST OF US HAD NEVER HEARD OF A YEAR AGO. BUT BEFORE THIS PANDEMIC, CONTACT TRACING WAS SOMETHING JUSTINE WAS DOING ALREADY. I WAS LOOKING AFTER PEOPLE AT HOME IN THE COMMUNITY WITH INFECTIOUS DISEASES, SO TUBERCULOSIS OR MENINGOCOCCAL OR HEPATITIS. SO THAT THOSE KIND OF ILLNESSES IN THE COMMUNITY. LOI WAS NURSING IN THE ACUTE WARD AT WAITAKERE HOSPITAL. I ACTUALLY HAD PLANS TO BECOME A FLIGHT ATTENDANT. WELL, THAT OBVIOUSLY WENT OUT THE WINDOW. NOW THEY'RE BOTH PART OF THE CONTACT TRACING TEAM ` A WHOLE NEW LEVEL OF TURBULENCE. (UPBEAT BASS MUSIC) (PHONE LINE RINGS) THIS IS LOI CALLING FROM AUCKLAND REGIONAL PUBLIC HEALTH SERVICES. WE'RE JUST CALLING TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT YOUR TEST RESULTS. WE FOUND THAT YOU NEED TO BE QUITE STRAIGHT WITH PEOPLE. THERE'S NO POINT, SORT OF, DRAWING IT OUT. IT IS, I CAN IMAGINE, QUITE A SHOCK. DO YOU NEED TO STEP OUTSIDE FOR SOME FRESH AIR? GRAB A DRINK OF WATER? AS WELL AS THE HEALTH QUESTIONS,... HAVE YOU HAD A FEVER? SHORTNESS OF BREATH? ...THEY HAVE TO QUICKLY FIGURE OUT EXACTLY WHERE A POSITIVE CASE HAS BEEN. WE REALLY WANT TO, SORT OF, ALMOST UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU DID HOUR BY HOUR. THEIR BIGGEST CLUES COME VIA THE COVID TRACER APP. DO YOU USE YOUR COVID TRACER APP, AND DO YOU HAVE THE BLUETOOTH FUNCTION TURNED ON? BUT THEY CAN'T ACCESS IT WITHOUT CONSENT. CLICK 'SHARE MY DIARY' AND WE'RE GOING TO FLICK YOU A CODE, AND YOU ENTER THAT IN. WHEN PEOPLE HAVE BEEN SCANNING, IT'S A HUGE HEADSTART. IT CAN BE REALLY HARD. I MEAN, WE'VE GOT SUCH BUSY LIVES. IF YOU TRY AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU WERE DOING TWO WEEKS AGO, HOUR BY HOUR, YOU KNOW, IT CAN SOMETIMES BE REALLY DIFFICULT. DID YOU HAVE ANY VISITORS? YOU COULD HAVE A LOOK AT YOUR EMAILS. DID YOU POST ANYTHING ON SOCIAL MEDIA? IF YOU WENT TO THE SUPERMARKET AND PAID WITH YOUR CARD, THAT MIGHT JOG YOUR MEMORY. IF THAT SUPERMARKET WAS IN A MALL, YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN RUNNING OTHER ERRANDS. YOUR PHOTO GALLERY. WE OFTEN DESCRIBE OURSELVES AS DETECTIVES AND, SORT OF, NOT WANTING TO LEAVE ANY STONE UNTURNED. THE CONTACT TRACERS THAT WE'VE GOT ARE DOING AN AMAZING JOB. WE REALLY COULDN'T HAVE ACHIEVED WHAT WE'VE ACHIEVED IN NZ WITHOUT THEIR HARD WORK. WITHOUT THEIR HARD WORK. I HAVE HAD SOME LATER NIGHTS AND THAT HAS CERTAINLY IMPACTED ON MY CHILDREN. THEY ARE REALLY PROUD OF WHAT I'M DOING AND THE BIT THAT I'M ADDING, AND THEY SAY TO ME THAT THEY'RE DOING THEIR BIT. IT'S A HUGE PRIVILEGE. WE'RE HERE TO WORK WITH YOU AND TO SUPPORT YOU AND CARE FOR YOU. IT'S A JOB EVERYONE HOPES WON'T BE NEEDED LONG-TERM. SO THEN WHAT? MAYBE JOIN THE FBI. (LAUGHS) I'M GOING TO FIND ANOTHER VIRUS TO FIGHT. MAYBE IN I.T. MAYBE. (LAUGHS) WE CAN SEE THAT YOU'VE PRETTY MUCH SCANNED EVERYWHERE YOU'VE GONE, SO WE JUST WANT TO THANK YOU, AND IT'S MADE OUR JOB SO MUCH EASIER. YOU WOULD BE GOOD AT THAT. YOU ARE TRACING ME A LOT OF THE TIME. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT TIME WERE YOU THERE> I AM NOSY. AND I ENJOY TALKING TO PEOPLE. THEY ARE DOING WONDERFUL WORK. THANK YOU. IF YOU ARE CONTACT TRACER, THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING THAT YOU DO. LATER THIS WEEK, A NEW VERSION OF THE NZ COVID TRACER APP IS GOING TO BE RELEASED. NEW FEATURES INCLUDE A TALLY OF HOW MANY TIMES YOU'RE SCANNED IN THE PAST 14 DAYS AND HOW MANY NZERS ARE USING THE APP AND A FLASHLIGHT OPTION FOR SCANNING IN LOW WINTER LIGHT. SOMETHING ELSE TO MENTION, THE EXPERTS WANTED US TO PASS ON, WHEN YOU ARE DOING YOUR COVERT TRACER APP, WHICH YOU ARE DOING EVERYWHERE, WHEN YOU GO INTO A MALL, YOU NEED TO SCAN INTO EACH SHOP THAT YOU GO TO IN THE MALL. WHEN YOU WALK INTO A MALL, YOU CAN SCAN, BUT GO INTO EACH SHOP AND SCAN AS YOU GO INTO EACH SHOP. THAT MAKES THEIR JOB EASIER. NOW, IT'S ONE OF THE MOST BASIC HUMAN FUNCTIONS, BUT APPARENTLY, MOST OF US ARE DOING IT WRONG. WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HOW WE SIT ON THE TOILET. BECAUSE WE DO OUR BUSINESS BEHIND CLOSED DOORS, NO ONE CAN SEE WHAT WE'RE DOING, AND EXPERTS SAY IT'S TIME TO LIFT THE LID ON IT. MARY-JANE AGGETT HAS MORE. (UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC) GOOD GIRL. WHAT'S IN THERE? IS THAT A PEG? IT'S SUCH A NATURAL POSITION FOR TODDLERS, THAT TENDS TO GET LOST AS WE GET OLDER. (CRUNCH!) OOH! IN FACT, SOME OF US EVEN PAY GOOD MONEY TO LEARN HOW TO DO IT. WHEN YOU GET DOWN THERE, YOU WILL PUSH YOUR KNEES OUT WITH YOUR ELBOWS. WE'RE TALKING SQUATTING, AND EXPERTS TELL US IT SHOULD BE OUR NUMBER ONE FOR NUMBER TWOS. IT'S ONE OF THE MOST NATURAL THINGS AND THE THINGS THAT WE DO FROM DAY DOT TILL WE'RE 90. HANNAH ORR HAS BEEN A PELVIC-FLOOR PHYSIO FOR MORE THAN A DECADE. AND YOU HAVE TO LAUGH, COS SOMETIMES I AM TEACHING AN 87-YEAR-OLD HOW TO POO, AND I'M, LIKE, 'HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?' YEP. THE BOTTOM LINE IS SQUATTING STRAIGHTENS OUT YOUR COLON, SO YOU DON'T STRAIN ANYTHING AS MUCH. WATCH THIS. THINK OF PASSING A BOWEL MOTION LIKE GETTING TOOTHPASTE OUT OF A TOOTHPASTE TUBE. YOUR PELVIC-FLOOR MUSCLES LOOP THEMSELVES AROUND THE BOTTOM OF THE TUBE. THE PROBLEM IS WHEN WE SIT ON A TYPICAL WESTERN-STYLE TOILET SEAT, IS THAT BEND REMAINS IN PLACE. THERE IS A REALLY SIMPLE SOLUTION FOR THIS, AND THAT IS SQUATTING. YOU CAN MIMIC THIS POSITION BY USING A STOOL TO LIFT YOUR KNEES. THEY'RE JUST TALKING ABOUT GETTING YOUR KNEES HIGHER THAN YOUR HIPS. TRULY A FOOTSTOOL FIT FOR A CONSTIPATED KING. THERE'S A REAL MOVEMENT IN SALES OF STOOLS LIKE THIS, BUT YOU DON'T NEED TO BUY SOMETHING FANCY. THERE'S LOT OF OPTIONS. YOU COULD BUILD YOUR OWN. YOU CAN JUST USE DOUBLE ROLLS OF TOILET PAPER, YOU CAN USE PHONE BOOKS, SHOEBOXES ` ANYTHING, REALLY. READS: JAY'S FRONT DOOR SLAMMED AND SAM LOOKED UP. ALWAYS PUT THE LID DOWN. AND FLUSH. (TOILET FLUSHES) ABOUT 10% OF THE NZ POPULATION HAVE ISSUES WITH, PROBLEMS WITH THEIR BOWELS. SURGEON AREND MERRIE SAYS BOWEL PROBLEMS CAN BE HUGELY DEBILITATING. A LOT OF PEOPLE FIND IT EMBARRASSING, DIFFICULT TO TALK ABOUT. I OFTEN SEE PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T EVEN TALKED ABOUT IT WITH THEIR PARTNER. BUT SQUATTING IS SOMETHING ALL AGES CAN GIVE A GO. SO TRY IT ` JUST TRY IT ` COS YOU MIGHT GO, 'ACTUALLY, 'THAT DOES FEEL A BIT BETTER.' AND GET HELP IF YOU NEED IT. HAVE YOU GOT A CARD? SURE. OF COURSE. HASHTAG ` ASKING FOR A FRIEND. THERE YOU GO. THAT IS WHAT WE CALL NEWS YOU CAN USE. THANKS TO OUR FRIENDS AT VOLKSWAGEN, YOU COULD WIN UP TO $15,000 TOWARDS YOUR LABOUR OF LOVE. IT COULD BE ANYTHING, FROM A CAR MAKEOVER TO A RUGBY CLUB REBUILD, OR MAYBE A REDO OF NAN'S BACKYARD. WHATEVER IT IS, WE WANT TO HEAR ALL ABOUT IT. HEAD TO OUR FACEBOOK PAGE TO ENTER. THE COMPETITION CLOSES THIS FRIDAY, AND WE WILL BE DRAWING THE WINNER ON FRIDAY 16TH APRIL. COMING UP ON SEVEN SHARP ` A TOP BRITISH COMEDIAN WADES IN TO HELP US GET ON WITH OUR TRANS-TASMAN NEIGHBOURS. I'M COMING IN, STIRRING UP A LOT OF OLD, YOU KNOW, RIVALRIES AND EXPOSING A LOT OF OLD WOUNDS THAT HAVE HITHERTO BEEN, SORT OF, PATCHED UP. YES, THERE IS A BIT OF THAT. WELCOME BACK. LOVELY TO HAVE YOU WITH US. THERE'S AN ART TO BEING A GOOD NEIGHBOUR. SOMETIMES IT'S THE SMALL THINGS THAT MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE ` CHECKING IN ON THE ELDERLY, TAKING OUT THE RUBBISH OR MAKING A REGULAR SUPERMARKET RUN FOR THOSE WHO NEED HELP. WELL, MARTE SIRMAY TICKS ALL THOSE BOXES AND DOES IT FOR THE PUREST OF REASONS ` BECAUSE SHE CAN. AND THAT'S WHY SHE'S THE RECIPIENT OF THIS WEEK'S ASB GOOD AS GOLD. (UPBEAT MUSIC) THEY'RE A BEAUTIFULLY TIGHT GROUP OF NEIGHBOURS AT THE END OF AN UNREMARKABLE COUPLE OF DRIVEWAYS. AND THEREIN LIES THE MAGIC ` OR RATHER, LIVES THE MAGIC. MARTE ` SHE CARES. SHE GENUINELY, SELFLESSLY CARES ABOUT EVERYBODY HERE... AND ALWAYS HAS. THE NEIGHBOUR WE ALL WISH FOR. ABSOLUTELY. ABSOLUTELY. IF THERE WAS A T-SHIRT, HER FACE WOULD BE ON IT ` 'THIS IS WHAT A GOOD NEIGHBOUR LOOKS LIKE.' SHE'S LIKE A WARM HUG ` MOTHERLY HUG FOR ALL OF US. WHILE AT THE SAME TIME, CONTINUING TO INSPIRE WITH HER ACCLAIMED FLAIR FOR SCULPTURE, INCLUDING THIS LARGE ABSTRACT WORK, WHICH HAS BEEN A PROMINENT PRESENCE IN NEWMARKET FOR THE LAST 50 YEARS. SHE'S FASCINATING. ON TOP OF ALL THE WONDERFUL THINGS, SHE'S ACTUALLY AN INCREDIBLY INTELLIGENT, FULL-OF-DEPTH HUMAN BEING THAT HAS A LOT TO TELL. MARTE, YOU DESERVE THIS. I KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO GRUMBLE,... BUT IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO BE RECOGNISED FOR HOW AMAZING YOU ARE. (HAPPY MUSIC) MARTE IS INSIDE. SHE'S THE CURATOR OF A SCULPTURE EXHIBITION OPENING TONIGHT. WHISPERS: SHE'S AROUND THE BACK. NOW, THIS LOOKS MIGHTY FINE. WELL, I HOPE SO. (LAUGHS) I NEED YOU TO SAY AFTER ME ` 'ASB GOOD AS GOLD'. ASB GOOD AS GOLD. WELL, MARTE, I'M DELIGHTED TO SAY ASB WOULD LOVE TO GIVE YOU $10,000,... OH MY GOD. ...BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN HEARING WHAT A SELFLESS, CARING NEIGHBOUR YOU ARE. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. (LAUGHS) THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE YOU LIVE NEAR WHO ABSOLUTELY LOVE YOU. I LOVE THEM TOO. (LAUGHS) YOU DON'T NEED MEDALS FOR THAT. YOU DON'T NEED MEDALS FOR THAT. (UPBEAT MUSIC) I'M VERY TICKLED. I HOPE I'M KIND AND CONSIDERATE. MY CONCERN FOR THEM ALL, MY KINDNESS TO THEM ` IT'S NOT FOR REWARDS. IT'S WHAT YOU DO. AND YOU'RE GETTING AS MUCH OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP AS THEY ARE. ABSOLUTELY. IF I CAN HELP, WHY SHOULDN'T I? AND I THINK THAT'S WHAT MAKES GREAT NEIGHBOURHOODS. THAT'S WHY PEOPLE WANT TO LIVE IN AN AREA ` NOT JUST BECAUSE IT'S AN EXPENSIVE OR AFFORDABLE AREA, BUT BECAUSE THERE ARE GOOD PEOPLE THERE. AND THEY ARE GOOD PEOPLE. YEAH, ABSOLUTELY. YOU KNOW, I WOULD HAVE BEEN VERY HAPPY JUST FOR THEM TO SAY, 'LOOK, THANKS,' WHICH THEY DO; THEY HAVE DONE, SO THEY WERE VERY KIND. BACK HOME YOU'LL GO TONIGHT, KNOWING ABSOLUTELY HOW MUCH YOU'RE LOVED. THEY'LL PROBABLY BE WATCHING THROUGH THE... 'IS SHE HOME YET?' (LAUGHS) IT'S GOOD. (SOFT GUITAR) IF YOU KNOW A DESERVING NEW ZEALANDER, NOMINATE THEM AT ASBGOODASGOLD.CO.NZ THE BRAINS BEHIND THE HIT KIWI PANEL SHOW 'SEVEN DAYS' HAVE RACKED THEIR GREY MATTER AND COME UP WITH A NEW TAKE ON THE GENRE ` A TRANS-TASMAN QUIZ-NIGHT BUN FIGHT. ALONG WITH THE CREAM OF KIWI AND AUSSIE COMICS, 'PATRIOT BRAINS' BOASTS THE SECRET INGREDIENT BEHIND MANY A SUCCESSFUL PANEL SHOW, BRITISH COMEDIAN BILL BAILEY. AFTER SOME GENTLE PESTING, HE LET ME SNIFF AROUND THE SET OF HIS NEW BABY. SO, THIS IS IT, BILL. THIS IS THE SET. YES. COLOURFUL. YEAH, IT IS, ISN'T IT? AND OF COURSE, YOU'VE GOT THE TWO FLAGS REPRESENTED. MORE OR LESS. WELL, WHICH ONE'S WHICH? UH, THIS IS NZ. (CHUCKLES) REALLY? YEAH. THIS IS AUSTRALIA. OBVIOUSLY, THE COLOUR SCHEME NOT QUITE ACCURATE, BUT THE STARS, I THINK, ARE REFLECTED. YOU CAN SEE WHAT'S BEEN HAPPENING HERE WITH NZ AND AUSTRALIAN FLAGS FOR THE LONGEST TIME. YES. I MEAN, EVEN NZERS AND AUSTRALIANS ARE CONFUSED. I KNOW. THERE'S A LITTLE BIT OF STAR ENVY. # OOH, LA, LA. # THE SPICES OF KIWI AND AUSSIE RIVALRY ARE THE KEY INGREDIENTS FOR THIS TV SOUP ` A CERTAIN CRICKET MATCH MAY BE MENTIONED, A FEW CLASSIC TV SHOWS, AND PLENTY OF SHEEP. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) HELLO. I'M BILL BAILEY, AND WELCOME TO PATRIOT BRAINS, THE SHOW THAT LAUGHS IN THE FACE OF CONFLICT. YOU'VE GOTTA SAY, THOUGH, THERE'S ALSO PROBABLY A VERY FINE LINE BETWEEN A HEALTHY RIVALRY BETWEEN COUNTRIES AND ALL-OUT WORLD WAR. YES. I MEAN, YOU WOULDN'T WANNA BE STARTING SOMETHING HERE BETWEEN TWO QUITE PEACEFUL NATIONS, IN A LOT OF WAYS. AND YOU'RE SAYING I'M COMING IN, STIRRING UP A LOT OF OLD, YOU KNOW, RIVALRIES. WELL, IT'S KIND OF THE OLD COLONIAL MASTER TURNING UP; YOU KNOW. JUST LORDING IT OVER THE COUNTRIES` MM-HM. ...AND EXPOSING A LOT OF OLD WOUNDS, THAT HAD HITHERTO BEEN SORT OF PATCHED UP. YEAH, THERE IS A BIT OF THAT. (CHUCKLES) IF AUSTRALIA IS HOT AND DUSTY, THIS COUNTRY IS THE OPPOSITE ` DAMP, OVERCAST, TEMPERATE. THE MOTTO FOR THIS COUNTRY SHOULD BE IT'S ACTUALLY QUITE NICE ONCE YOU'RE IN. WHAT ARE YOUR OBSERVATIONS SO FAR OF AUSTRALIANS AND NZERS? I THINK THERE'S, YOU KNOW, A LOT OF FRIENDLY RIVALRY. IT TENDS TO FLARE UP A LITTLE BIT WHEN PEOPLE SEEM TO CLAIM, YOU KNOW, LIKE AUSTRALIA CLAIMS THINGS FROM NZ. THERE'S A LITTLE BIT OF THAT GOES ON. BECAUSE, OF COURSE, I THINK AUSTRALIANS LIKE TO THINK OF US AS KIND OF BACKWARD INBREDS, AND WE LIKE TO THINK OF THEM AS... BRASH, YES. ...BRASH AND ANNOYING. YEAH. IS THAT WHAT YOU FOUND SO FAR? YEAH. GOOD. (BOTH LAUGH) THIS IS THE BOARD, AND IT CHANGES EVERY WEEK. SOME SURPRISING SUBJECTS ARE COVERED IN THE FIRST EPISODE, INCLUDING A RURAL FASHION-OFF BETWEEN THE TWO NATIONS. CAN I BE COMPLETELY HONEST? YES. I CAN READ THE LABEL ON THE BOTTOM. (LAUGHTER) AND PREPARE YOURSELF FOR SOME MEMORABLE ADVERTISING. WHAT IS THIS AD TELLING US NOT TO DO? IT WAS THE SAME DAY, DAVID! (SOBS) YOU ARE ONE OF THE KINGS OF THE PANEL SHOW ` YOU'VE BEEN ON SO MANY FANTASTIC PANEL SHOWS. I'VE DONE A LOT OF PANEL SHOWS. I WAS A TEAM CAPTAIN ON NEVER MIND THE BUZZCOCKS, THE MUSIC PANEL SHOW. THAT WAS, I THINK I DID 120 SHOWS OF THAT. AND THEN QI, AND THEN VARIOUS OTHER ONES; CATS DOES COUNTDOWN. BUT WHAT'S DIFFERENT ABOUT THIS IS THAT THIS TIME I'M THE HOST. SHOCK FACTOR IS A GREAT TECHNIQUE TO GET YOUR POINT ACROSS TO AN AUDIENCE. I AM SATAN! (LAUGHTER) YOU DO LOOK A BIT LIKE A KIND OF CAMP SATAN. I SORT OF DO LOOK A BIT LIKE, WHAT DID YOU SAY, A CAMP SATAN? YEAH. JUST KIND OF A OOH! NOW, OOH, THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST. OOH! (LAUGHTER) OH, WON'T YOU BURN IN HELL! OOH, YOU'LL BURN, NEVER MIND IN HELL. (LAUGHTER) HE IS A VERY FUNNYMAN. AND 'PATRIOT BRAINS' FIRES UP FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME ON TVNZ 2 TONIGHT AT 8.30. WE'LL BE BACK IN JUST A MOMENT. (ORCHESTRA TUNING) (VOICEMAIL BEEPS) MAN ON RECORDING: Hi, Jasmine. It's your brother here. I'm sending a little money home to help that dream of yours become a reality. (PLAYS COMPLEX SWEEPING SOLO) VOICEOVER: When you send money, you send more than money. ON THE SHOW TOMORROW ` KAIKOURA IS BEST KNOWN FOR ITS MOANA-RELATED INDUSTRY, YOUR WHALE WATCHING, YOUR CRAYFISHING, BUT COULD IT BE THE NEW CAPITAL OF MEDICAL MARIJUANA? THOSE WERE OUR PEOPLE TODAY ` THAT WAS SEVEN SHARP TONIGHT. 5 GOLD RINGS IS UP NEXT. WE'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW. CHEERIO. CAPTIONS BY JADE FERNANDES, JAMES BROWN AND FAITH HAMBLYN. CAPTIONS WERE MADE WITH THE SUPPORT OF NZ ON AIR. WWW.ABLE.CO.NZ COPYRIGHT ABLE 2021.