- # I am living, # and I'm breathing. # Body forces in the way. Ready? Ready? And go fetch! (DOG BARKS) I'm Mads Harrop. I have autism, Tourette's, ADHD and anxiety. (BLEEP) (BLEEP) I love to spend time with my dogs. Yeah, they help me with my tics, and they're just so loyal, and especially Timmy. He's very, you know, sweet and very loving, and they've all got such smooth textures. I am a musician and a producer and sound engineer. I write my own songs, and I play guitar and sing. Captions by Kitty Wasasala. Edited by Courtney Sole. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2024 - One, two, three, four. - Three, four. - (PLAYS PIANO) - # If I told you, would you see me # on the internet... - BOTH: # ...five years from now... - # ...would you have known unexpectedly, things have changed... - BOTH: # ...five years from now? - I was diagnosed with autism when I was quite a young kid, but I was 9 when my parents told me I had autism. # Would you be relieved? # And that's kind of what made me... realise, like, why I was a little bit, sort of, different. - If you 'indie' that up, it'll be how fast? - Probably about this fast ` three, four. One, two, three, four. - (PLAYS UPTEMPO, BOUNCY MELODY) - (VOCALISES MELODY) I was also very artsy as well. Not only did I sing and learn piano, I also loved drawing as a kid, and I used to, like, draw all these cartoons and things like that. I guess I felt like the other kids noticed I was different, I think, but all the kids at my school were really kind to me, and I still had lots of friends. - She was just different with the way she acted and different with how she could concentrate on something, but had lost focus of what else was happening around her. - # You won't believe what has happened. # Something you could've never imagined. - Washing machines. She was` Absolutely loved washing machines. - Just loved them. She would disappear in people's houses to find their laundry. She'd be sitting there either looking at their washing machine or watching their washing machine if it was going. - I remember, we get to school to see the face painting, and they all came out with butterflies and all these sort of things, and Madeleine came out with a washing machine on each cheek. - Yeah. (BOTH CHUCKLE) - She really liked them. - Nice, I like that. Tell me what it's about. - So this song is basically a letter to my past self when I'd just graduated high school and was getting ready to go to uni. And in this song, I'm telling that version of myself that, you know, she would still be proud of where we got to today and` But like, she wouldn't have believed what's happened since then. - Yeah, I like the lyrics. They're great. - Thanks. When I was a kid, I used to` I used to make songs up about this toy that I really, really loved, which I've still got. It was this doll called Bubba Doll, and I used to make up songs about her all the time. (CHUCKLES) I just one day, just at school, just decided I wanted to learn guitar, and then it kind of unlocked a whole world for me. - Hey, Mads. - Hey, how's it going? - Welcome. - Thank you. - When we came to the Waitaki Valley, the wool shed was originally going to be Fenella's workshop. And when we started renovating it, I just sort of took it over. - Yes, you did. - (CHUCKLES) - It's a gender issue, but never mind. - Check, one, two. - And slowly, the recording studio developed into where it is now. It's a fully-functioning, fully-working professional studio. - # Don't ever make me change. # Don't ever make... - When you look at the actual analysis for autism, it's all very negative. It's all 'can't do this, can't do that, shows these behaviours'. It's never the 'can do this, has these gifts, has these attributes' which is actually what we really wanted to focus on with Madeleine. - # Don't ever make me change. - And we got Mads to own it from an early age, sort of saying, 'You're different but equal.' - Beautiful! - I learnt, why should I blend in when I was born to stand out? Can I please do that take again? I think I could be a bit more expressive. - Yep, certainly. - Thank you. - No problem. Here we go. Same place. - 'My autism is what makes me that way, in a good way. And that's when I started writing songs. 'I learned I can use my autism as my superpower, and my other disabilities too, 'and that's what was the inspiration story behind Pink Elephant.' # Don't ever make me change. 'With my autism, it allows me to offer a unique perspective on things. 'And when I'm singing, I feel at ease. (CHUCKLES) 'I feel like I can just be myself.' # Don't ever make me change. # - That's really nice, Moo. - CHUCKLES: Thanks. - She'd won one of the Play It Strange` yeah, was a finalist in her final year of school. - # I'm a pink elephant. - Really her songs were already recognised, even at that point of 16, 17, of having her own little jangly sound. - # How do you define uniqueness? I've just loved the vibe of being in a studio. # Does it mean intelligent? # I used to often come and sit in and watch sessions, and I'd ask Tom a whole bunch of questions. 'What happens if I push this button here? And what happens if I turn this knob here?' And that, for me, kind of sparked a whole fascination with recording again. - Yeah. Yeah! That's it. - (CHUCKLES) Cool. - Awesome. (BIRD TWEETS) - Mads, can you set the table for me, darling? Take out the cutlery and then come back for the plates, the meat. And this bread has to go out. That'd be awesome. Thanks, lovey. - OK, will do. Thank you. - She's really, really good with the social engagement. - We have this two-for-one rule. Because she's autistic, she likes to talk about herself a lot. So we got this pattern quite early on where you go, 'OK, well, you ask two questions about someone else's life, 'and when they respond, you can tell them one thing about yourself.' - About you. It's amazing. She still does it now. - Do you remember that time at our early Christmas celebration last year, Tom, where we all` we all had those fake eyelashes and you had the Clockwork Orange one? (LAUGHTER) - It wasn't until secondary school that we had to do the set routines. And in some ways, going to boarding school was quite a relief for Madeleine, because she got away from her rather ad-hoc timetable of her parents. - It was a good experience going to boarding school, yeah. This is before I got Tourette's. But yeah, I had all my other disabilities going on. Yeah. - We had incidences there. She had anxiety, and she'd be up quite often checking the taps and things. - It actually got to the point where I was on the verge of` I almost got asked to leave hostel because of it. - Madeleine's always been really good for suggestions, so we went out and we got a whole lot of fitness gear and I said, 'You know, Mads, what I can see is that if you... exercise really hard, 'this is the one thing that will help you manage your stress.' It was really good at managing her and kept her in boarding school. - Can't forget my makeup either. Very important. When I was ready to leave school, I already knew what I wanted to do, and I had plans on coming to the University of Otago to study music, because I wanted to work in the music industry, and now I wanna be a sound engineer and producer, and I was continuing with my music ` songwriting and stuff. Nearly forgot my sparkly shoes. - With special needs children, the most important bit has always been transitions. When we came to university, managing that transition was going to be quite tricky. But she was absolutely so ecstatic about going to university. She was just so excited about the whole thing. (ROCK MUSIC) - I was just so happy in Dunedin. You know, I really, really loved it, and I was just having such a great time. I'd made so many new friends. - She loved uni from the moment she got there, and it was also for the first time ever that she was studying solely what she loved. She was just doing music with like-minded people, and she was having an absolute ball. She had togas on, and she was going to everything, and she kept telling us, 'I'm having the best time of my life.' (ROCK MUSIC GROWS) - She formed a band, she started playing and getting gigs, and it was all just going stonkingly. (FOREBODING MUSIC) - I came home from university for the Easter break, 2019, and it all sort of came on. It was very all of a sudden, like... - It just erupted. - I remember the first time I ever noticed my tics, I was sitting on the couch just relaxing one minute, and then the next minute I was, like, screaming and convulsing. - It was just like the most violent eruption you can imagine. And we're just going, what the hell? That night, I put her to bed, and I was holding on to her, and it was like holding on to a washing machine. It was so... just so convulsive. And I was just holding her and, sort of, tears going down her back, and she was crying and kind of going, 'What's happening to me, Mum?' - (INHALES DEEPLY) Yeah, we're getting into the depths of it now, which is pretty, um... Yeah. It's pretty scary. - It's such an intense, fast change that it was quite hard to comprehend. - (SNIFFLES) - VOICE CRACKS: And it was so scary that you... you didn't know when it was gonna stop. - It's like living with a tiger in a cage. - Oh, it's incredible. - Yeah, you don't know how it's gonna attack. And then, you know, I'd read and I'd see sometimes people end up in wheelchairs, cos they're so... - Debilitated by the muscular tics. - And you just don't know where you are. - The only thing I could describe it as is it was like some of the scenes from The Exorcist. And she had muscular and screaming tics at the same time. And this is your 19-year-old daughter. - The bewilderment in her eyes. You know, she was being ravaged. That's the only word I can think of. Like, she was actually being ravaged by this thing. - Literally within two weeks of developing, I had to go into hospital and get a few tests done and an MRI. That's when the neurologist enters. Um... They didn't find anything suspicious, which is actually quite a relief for all of us. But so they just` It just came back` They just said I have Tourette's. - You remember when you first got Tourette's and you were so loud that we just used to have to walk all over the back? - And you'd tell your tics out. - So you could yell and scream it out. Her screams were so loud that I'm sure you could hear them miles away. - Yeah, she was loud. - And then just funny phases, like, she'd be swearing like a Glaswegian sailor for a while. - Yeah, the next step was to just go see some mental health professionals and occupational therapists and... just get support on how to manage it. I just love how quiet it is and how just, you know, how pretty it is. We've never gotten sick of the environment, have we? - No. - No. - No. (BLEEP) - (CHUCKLES) - (BLEEP) - The more we understood once we had that Tourette's diagnosis, we realised that, you know, this is a multi-headed beast. It can manifest in so many different ways. And the words ` you'd just be going, where have these come from? We've never said this. You realised it was something completely unattached to Mads. - You've had to, yeah, reach out and just get support with that. It's pretty, you know, hard to talk about, cos it's taken such a toll on me emotionally. I mean, I'm not crying right now, but there have been times where I do feel really upset about it. SIGHS: And yeah. This is just a place where I can just give, you know, my mind a rest, and really nice way to just let my brain calm down and also give my ears a rest as well. When I'm walking out and I hear the sounds of nature, my brain kind of calms down. - Oh, there's Kate! She's working here today. - Kia ora, Kate. - Kia ora, Mads! - How are you? Kei te pehea koe? - I'm good, how are you? - Tino pai. - Have you been playing any music? - I have been playing some music. Yeah, and I'm gonna release an album later this year. - Oh, fantastic. - Yeah! - How was the, um` - (BLEEP) - How was the concert in Christchurch? - Dunedin. It was Dunedin. - Dunedin, Dunedin. Oh, the Big Day Out. - What I love about Kurow is Madeleine got Tourette's when she was 19. So even though there was autism and things when she was younger, they know her without the Tourette's. So it's good for them to know her, Mads, as she was, and then to see her now and to be so accepting and understanding as they have been is really wonderful. Your last birthday lunch` What are you, 23? It's gonna be the best year ever. - 24. - I've got a good feeling. Release the album, tics will be good. It'll be great. Very proud of you. You're doing really well. - (CHUCKLES) Thanks. - And your master's. All gonna be good. Once we did get the diagnosis, Mads was saying to me, 'Mum, I've worked so hard to get here, 'and I don't want anyone to take that away.' And I was just kind of going, 'No one's gonna take that away. 'We're gonna keep you in uni. We're gonna do whatever we can.' (SOFT ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC) - We just had to drive her down to lectures, and then she could hold it together, almost... - See how long she do it. - ...and then come back and sit in the car and just tic it out. All the energy would be released. We just worked it out with her teachers. School was amazing. Everyone was very determined to keep her. - It was eight weeks when she came back to the hostel. - # Kind of cursing as I go. # Just accept who you don't know. - 'Course, with every fibre of my being, I just wanted to... (EXHALES) not put her out in the world like that. And I mean, but just watching her walk into a crowd and melt into it, and just going, (TEARFULLY) 'Oh my God, she's so brave.' - # Don't need you, Mr Coach. - It was incredible that she was so determined to work through it. - The gracefulness and the grit. We were at the dining room in the hostel, and Madeleine stood up there. This will get me. Um, she stood up there and she said, 'Oh, this is what's happened to me.' 'If you hear me making funny noises, I've had lots of tests, 'and they say I've got this thing called Tourette's, and I say things I don't wanna say, 'and I do things I don't wanna do, and I'll be noisy, but I'll try not to be noisy.' And then this kid stood up, and she just said, 'Mads, you're part of our family here. You're welcome. 'And I'm really sorry that you've gone through this, and let's go and watch a movie together.' - Yeah, it was amazing. - I sat there. (EXHALES) (BOTH LAUGH) - # Cos I'm lost, lost for words. - So then I knew, maybe it's gonna be OK. We got this. - # Lost for words. # - She's really, really good at front-footing it. - I've learned how to explain myself. If I get the odd person that doesn't know what Tourette's syndrome is, I usually say it's a neurological condition characterised by involuntary movements and vocalisations known as tics. They can be a combination of both motor tics or vocal tics. So neck-jerking or eye movements or obscene gestures. And then the vocal tics can be, like... be throat-clearing, barking... Beep-be-doop. (BLEEP) ...making random noises or swearing... (BLEEP) idiot, (BLEEP) idiot, (BLEEP) idiot. ...but I literally cannot control it or help it. I'm the complete opposite of my tics. Like, they don't represent my personality at all. - She has been asked to leave places. Taxis won't pick her up. And the bus driver at one stage, I thought, was gonna say, 'You can't come on the bus.' - Thank you. (BLEEP) - Thank you, you too. The great thing about songwriting and about art in general is that you can go through negative experiences and turn them into works of art. - To celebrate and bring awareness to Tourette's Awareness Week, we are joined in the studio by Mads Harrop, who is a prolific local musician, mixer, engineer, student and many more things. - CHUCKLES: And producer. - And producer. You're a person of many hats, Mads. Welcome to the studio. - Oh, kia ora, Dave. Thank you very much. - What do you think is one of the biggest misconceptions, or what is something that you wish people knew? - I guess probably my biggest piece of advice, if you ever come across someone with Tourette's, is just be kind to them, because it's very stressful for us. And, you know, please remember that with our tics, they are completely involuntary. So we don't get to choose our tics, and we don't get to choose what time of day they come and how loud they can be. And just please, yeah, please ignore them. - Before we got into the studio, you were telling me something that was a shock to me ` that Tourette's syndrome isn't recognised by the New Zealand government as a disability. That's awful. - Yeah, it is. It is a little` It does make things a little bit more difficult. And because it's not recognised, that means we can't get access to any government-funded support. If we could get it recognised, that would be really good. - You've got an album coming out this year, which is so, so exciting. - CHUCKLES: Yes. - Always love hearing about new music from you. - Thank you. - You're unstoppable, Mads. - Thank you so much. Oh, it's great. I always just love being on Radio One, eh? Shout out to the awesome team here at Radio One. (SOFT MUSIC) So I have a performance today, which was why you see me dressed up and all made up with the eyeliner and eyeshadow (CHUCKLES) and everything. Today's look, it's sort of like a glam rock sort of look, with the glittery shoes and the suit and the eyeshadow and everything. And I've also got a meeting with one of the professors at the uni. So we're gonna be talking about my plans for my master's this year. I've been very fortunate to get my Bachelor of Music with honours, both endorsed in composition and music production. I've had such amazing teachers over the years who are all super passionate about what they do. I've got another idea, which I was gonna think about pitching to you, another idea that I've thought about, and it's the studio as an instrument... - Right. - ...which I think will be a really fascinating concept. - Yeah, it's exciting, thinking about coming back and doing more study. - I researched it, and I found out one of the aspects of it can be the studio can be any room, and you can record any set` You can record sound from any sound source and then manipulate it and edit it and make it musical. - Yeah, totally. 'Mads has been really, really amazing to work with. 'She's really, really motivated,' and she's the kind of person that just sort of gets along really well with people. There's a lot that we've learned from Mads. - This makes kind of a musical sound, but not really. But, like, maybe something like a washing machine. - Because she listens so clearly and in such a focused way, you sort of find yourself doing that as well. - Recorded with, like, flanges and reverbs and, like, going, 'woo-woo-woo-woo-woo'. That would look pretty` That would sound pretty cool, wouldn't it? - Yeah, I love that. And the way that those sounds are sort of not quite in time. I wish all of the people I worked with in recording studios had that level of focus and motivation. - A-one, a-two, a-one, two, three, four! (BAND PLAYS UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC) - Mads makes really, really great, interesting music. - # I'm on a move, got a groove that I'm keeping... - And one of the things that her music has is a really clear voice. She knows who she is, and she knows the message she's trying to get across. - I really, really love trying to make performances as mesmerising as possible. Like, really love it. And I try to make it as energetic as possible. Like, I've only ever ticced on stage, like, once or twice, but everyone's very understanding. And yeah, when I play gigs, you know, they're pretty much judgement-free zones. - You kind of wanna inspire your kids, but she's quite the opposite. She inspires you all the time. - Your children astound you anyway, but Madeleine is just so brave. - The great thing about, I guess, performing on stage is everyone can see just me being Mads Harrop and not the girl with Tourette's. I can just be myself and focus on just having a good time.