1 Hello, Detroit! What a pleasure to be here! DEVICE WHIRRS Ladies and gentlemen, we in the exciting field of dental-supply sales are here in the Motor City for a reason ` to provide quality precision tools to professionals who demand the very best. APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Thank you. CHEERING CHEERING Whoa-ho-ho! Thank you very much. Please, be seated. Oh! Ha` Oh! Ha` CHEERING STOPS I was just going over my speech. You've been going over it for two weeks. Honey, you know your speech. The kids and I know your speech. It's a big one, Susan. It's a big one, Susan. It's a speech for every sales rep in the north-east United States. It is a big one. You've done very well for yourself, Andy Fidler. Now, get dressed. Your flight leaves at 7. You know, Detroit's quite a sports town, honey. Maybe I'll bring you back a Piston. Do me a favour ` just bring yourself back. Detroit ain't Wisconsin. UPBEAT MUSIC 1 1 1 1 1 1 RT CHATTER SIREN WAILS DISTANTLY 60 AR-15s. 30 M4s. 6000 rounds of .556 ammunition. And three dozen M16s. All of it stolen from the vault in this building. But that's not why I rolled you out of bed at 5am, Agent Vann. You want to tell me how your partner winds up a speed bump on the 94 freeway? I'll tell you how. Your partner was the inside man on the job. Once they had the guns, he became a loose end. I'll tell you something I've learned in 20 years with Internal Affairs ` if a cop's dirty, nine times out of 10, his partner's dirty too. It wouldn't surprise me if you were the one who popped him. You got a bug up your ass about me? Well, let's get it out ` right now, right here, you and me. No, huh? So step off, stop wasting my time. You don't seem too upset about him. You don't seem too upset about him. You want to charge me with not being upset? Be my guest. Hell, I'll write a full confession about how I don't give a shit. If he was dirty, he got what he deserved. I'm not finished with you. I'm not finished with you. Well, I'm finished with you, and let me tell you what I've learned ` don't trust anyone ` including partners, and especially Internal Affairs skid marks. I'll be seeing you, Vann. I tried to keep IA off your back. Booty? Hm. Don't get into this. Booty? Hm. Don't get into this. I'm already into this. You know those weapons will be out of the city within 24 hours. You know those weapons will be out of the city within 24 hours. You can't set up a buy in 24 hours. Watch me. Watch me. Vann, nothing stupid. Yes, Lieutenant. Bye-bye. Enjoy your stay. Bye. I hope you had a nice flight. Bye. I hope you had a nice flight. I did, and I'm wondering if you can do me a favour. I was talking to one of the stewardesses, discussing tongue scrapers. I'm wondering if you can pass this along. I'm a dental-supply salesman. I will. Sir, you might have to step aside. Just tell her it's daily tongue scraping and anti-bacterial conditioning for fresh breath. See this right here? This is a nickel-plated nine-Mary-Mary chrome inlaid. Feel that. It's got a nice weight to it. It's got a nice weight to it. Yeah, so do you, baby. It's got a nice weight to it. Yeah, so do you, baby. What?! HORN HONKS Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Hold up! Oh, shit! Hold up! Move! Get out of the way! HORN HONKS Ah! Ahh! LOUDSPEAKER: Get your hands off my car, Booty! LOUDSPEAKER: Get your hands off my car, Booty! Come on! Your ass is still on my car, Booty! Run faster, Booty. Pump those arms. Get those knees up. Your form is all jacked up, dog. Your form is all jacked up, dog. What you want, man?! I wanna buy some guns! I wanna buy some guns! I don't know what you're talking about! I'm talking about a telephone pole. I'm talking about a telephone pole. What? Argh! TYRES SCREECH Ooh! Why do we have to do this every time? It's these repetitive ass-whippings that cause guys like me to burn out on the job. Somebody wiped out our vault last night. Who was it? Somebody wiped out our vault last night. Who was it? How should I know? I'm gonna check my car. If it smells like ass, I'm gonna beat you like a runaway slave. All right, all right. All right, all right. All right what? Maybe I heard something. Maybe I heard something. Tell me what you heard. Something about a lot of merchandise in play. That's all. Something about a lot of merchandise in play. That's all. Hoo! You know how I can tell you're lying? I can smell the bullshit. You know how I can tell you're lying? I can smell the bullshit. No! All right! Maybe I know one of the guys, huh? Maybe I know one of the guys, huh? Hook me up. Tell them you found a buyer. Man, they already got a buyer. You too late. Man, they already got a buyer. You too late. I'll double his price. 20 grand now. CHUCKLES: 20 grand? That'll only get you a taste, dog. CHUCKLES: 20 grand? That'll only get you a taste, dog. A taste is all I need. Hook me up. Now. $38.50. That was a very drive in, Mr... Is it Bedwetter? That was a very drive in, Mr... Is it Bedwetter? Bedwetir! I see you're from Turkey, Mr Budweider. I've got 20, 40. Keep the change. I was in Turkey recently... Santos. What's cracking, dog? Yo, I need 20 grand. Yeah, don't we all? Yeah, don't we all? I need that in nonsequential unmarked bills, and I'm in a hurry. I'm not your personal ATM, man. Come on, Santos. You know you're gonna give it up, so cut the bullshit. I don't have that kinda cash down here right now. I don't have that kinda cash down here right now. See, you lying. I personally logged a million in cash into that vault right over on a case we both know hasn't gone to trial yet. So you're still holding. What happened between us, Santos? Where the love, dog? It's my ass if you come up short again. It's just flash money. I'll have it back this afternoon. Go get it. I'll do the paperwork while you get it. All right, but I need that money back here by 4 o'clock. You can trust me, man. Come on, now. I'm in a hurry. Chop-chop! Work that combination, baby. They'll give you a taste and tell you where to bring the money. They don't want the goods and the cash in the same spot. They don't want the goods and the cash in the same spot. Booty, I do this for a living. Look, I don't know these guys, man. They from out of town. Look, I don't know these guys, man. They from out of town. What do you know, Booty? This is the place, man. He'll give you a gun and a phone now and call you later for the money. Take the corner seat at the counter and be carrying a USA Today. A USA Today. The newspaper! I did what you asked me to do. I'm done with this. You better hurry up, man. By this time tomorrow, the guns will be gone. You want a taste? You want a taste? Pardon me? There's your taste. There's your taste. That's my taste? Wait for our call. Hey! (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) What? He's got a gun! PEOPLE SCREAM PEOPLE SCREAM No, this is not... It's not my gun. It's the man who was sitting here. He just left! It's going back in the bag. Drop the gun! Drop the gun! Ah! Drop the gun! Ah! GUNSHOT Drop the gun, now! Yes. It's going down. The gun is going down. The gun is down. The gun is down. The gun is down. The gun is down. Just shut up. You picked the wrong day to pull a stick-up, big boy. You picked the wrong day to pull a stick-up, big boy. Some guy gave me the gun. What guy? What guy? Some guy. He gave me a bag and said, 'Taste it! Taste it!' He said what? He said what? Something about a taste. He said what? Something about a taste. Tell me what he said, word for word. He said, 'That's your taste.' But there was nothing to taste. Just a phone and a gun. Oh, shit. They think you're me. Oh, shit. They think you're me. They think I'm black? Oh, shit. They think you're me. They think I'm black? No, they don't think you're`! ATF. You're coming with me. I have done nothing wrong! Well, Simon? Well, Simon? It's coming. All right, I've got him. Fidler, Andy. Milwaukee, Wisconsin. He's not law enforcement. No sheet. He's clean. No sheet. He's clean. Yeah, he's too clean. Screw him. Screw him. Wait minute. Istanbul, Turkey? Customs. Trafficking. Turkey? Turkey? Yeah. He do any time? He do any time? Interpol has an outstanding warrant. He do any time? Interpol has an outstanding warrant. He got away from the Turks? Shit. This guy's gotta be smarter than he looks, huh? Well, he can't be any dumber than he looks. So, what's this guy look like? So, what's this guy look like? Well, he, uh... He had very good teeth. He had very good teeth. What does he look like? He had very good teeth. What does he look like? He looks good. He had a very nice face, very handsome face. He was a very attractive man. N-Not to me. I mean, I am married. To a woman. And even if I wasn't married, I don't mean that kind of attractive. Personally, he was not attractive to me. Personally, he was not attractive to me. Describe him to me. Short hair. Short hair, which made his head look smaller than it actually is, and I only mention that because I've been told my head is somewhat large, and it was like looking through binoculars the wrong way ` it looks... CELLPHONE RINGS That's you. Answer it! Hello? Hello? Turk? Hello? Turk? Just a moment, please. Can you believe this? Can you believe this? He wants to talk to the Turk. Can you believe this? He wants to talk to the Turk. That's you. That's me? That's me? That's you. I'm the Turk? I'm the Turk? Look at you. This is the Turk. OK, listen, Turk. When this phone rings, you answer it. Got it? OK, listen, Turk. When this phone rings, you answer it. Got it? I answer it. You and you alone. Are we clear? You and you alone. Are we clear? Me and me alone, right. You and you alone. Are we clear? Me and me alone, right. Great. Listen, you put the package in the trashcan on the northwest corner of Fort and Woodward, in five minutes. Hello? So, what did he say? So, what did he say? Something about a package in a trashcan. Look, I have nothing to do with this. I'm here for a convention` Look, I have nothing to do with this. I'm here for a convention` I don't give a shit. Now, what trashcan? Now, what trashcan? Fort and Woodward. TYRES SCREECH Take this package, put it in that trashcan, and you can go. I should point out to you, sir, that I am taking a mental picture of you, just in case there's... any trouble. (SIGHS) Hey, you know what? This is not for you. Hey, you know what? This is not for you. Who's it for? Well, it's for somebody else. Well, it's for somebody else. Who? Just someone. Someone you don't know. Try me. Try me. No, I'm not trying you. This is not garbage, OK? This is business. So... just please don't touch it. All right. Give me the bag. All right. Give me the bag. Oh, Jesus. It's not your bag. See what he's doing? It's not your bag. See what he's doing? Who is this guy? (LAUGHS) Damn! What is the matter with you? Just let me go. Just let me go. Get up. Get up! Get in the car. Get in the car! Get in the car. Get in the car! We should look for another can. TYRES SCREECH What is the matter with you? I ask you to do one thing and you screw it up. CELLPHONE RINGS Hello? What is the matter with you? I ask you to do one thing and you screw it up. Well, this was not planned well. Well, this was not planned well. No, listen, Turk. Just bring the package to First and Bagley and wait there. What did he say now? Hey! Get back here! TYRES SCREECH Excuse me. Excuse me. Now you pay. POP! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ow! Oh! Oh, boy! Aaah! Ow. Ow. Ow. 911, what's your emergency? 911, what's your emergency? Yes, hello. I've been shot. 911, what's your emergency? Yes, hello. I've been shot. Where? Downtown. Downtown. Where downtown, sir? A man in a black car kidnapped me. A man in a black car kidnapped me. Do you have a licence plate? A man in a black car kidnapped me. Do you have a licence plate? Just give me a second. 347 DNB. Hurry! I just caused 911, and you are in serious trouble. I just caused 911, and you are in serious trouble. Get up. You shot me. You shot me. I grazed you. You shot me. I grazed you. That's still shooting me. Watch your ass. Watch your ass. Ow. Ow, ow, ow. . You could have killed me back there. If I wanted to kill you, you'd be dead. I wanted to graze you. You're grazed. It was a training bullet. I wanted to graze you. You're grazed. It was a training bullet. Well, I'm bleeding, although you might call it training blood. Here, use this. Taco sauce? Yes. It's an antiseptic. Sprinkle some of that on your ass so you don't get an infection. Don't even want to know how you discovered that. So, you keep this in your glove compartment and just splash it on a salami sandwich and your behind? Use it or don't use it ` it's your ass. Use it or don't use it ` it's your ass. Got any guacamole? I hear it makes a great cold compress. I hear it makes a great cold compress. Just put it back! All right, I'll use it. I'll use it. Don't you have traffic to look at? Don't you have traffic to look at? Oh, shit. You've gotta be kidding me. SIRENS WAIL Get out of the vehicle with your hands in the air! Turn around. Hands on your head. Turn around. Hands on your head. No, no. I'm not with him. Your hands! I don't know him. He kidnapped me. He took me against my will. He` Look! He wanted to put taco sauce on my butt! The guy... The guy is nuts. Hands! Hands! Run my plates. You! Back in the car. You! Back in the car. Your hands. You! Back in the car. Your hands. You wanna see my hands? Here. Federal agent. Run my plates! The car is federal, sir ` ATF. The car is federal, sir ` ATF. That's right. PA: Federal agent! Federal prisoner! Back in the car! You are interfering with a federal investigation! Move your asses! That was fun. TYRES SCREECH Give this to him and walk away. Hey. > If you try to run this time, I'm going to put a bullet in part of your ass you really need. Oof! Ah! So, you like the merch? The merch? The merch? The merch. Well, you know, there are days that I like it and days that I don't. Um, it depends. I'm on the fence. Um, it depends. I'm on the fence. Do you like the merchandise, Turk? Um, it depends. I'm on the fence. Do you like the merchandise, Turk? Yes, I do... like the merchandise. I, uh... Thanks for asking. So, there's gonna be 20 grand in there, right? In the bag? Give it. Good. Good first step. We'll be in touch. One more thing, Turk. No more fruitcake stuff, OK? Sure. Sure. Good. Goodbye. Goodbye. TYRES SQUEAL Goodbye. TYRES SQUEAL Oof! Get in the car. Get in the car. Why? I'm not done with you yet. I'm not done with you yet. You said I was done. I'm not done with you yet. You said I was done. I lied. I do that. Now, get up. Get in the car. Get in the car. No. Get in the car. No. Get up! Hey! Don't make me chase you. Hey! Hey! HORN HONKS Stop! Stop! Help me! Hey! Hey! Help! You're under arrest. Hands on the car. On the car! Who the hell is this guy? > Who the hell is this guy? > Run that. He's international. Ow! Ow! Watch your head. OK, that's it. I am writing a letter. Number three. Number three. Three, step forward. Three. That's you. That's him. That's him. Are you sure? I'll never forget that face. I'll never forget that face. All right. Thank you. You can go. I'll never forget that face. All right. Thank you. You can go. Excuse me. I'd like to speak to whoever's in charge, please. I'd like to speak to whoever's in charge, please. Number three, stay. The rest can go. Thank you. Boy, sometimes you just have to speak up. Are you in charge here? Are you in charge here? Yes, I am. Oh, boy! Have I been waiting to talk to you. Oh, boy! Have I been waiting to talk to you. Really? My name is Andy Fidler. I'm in dental-supply sales, and believe me, I never thought I'd be standing in a police station with a bullet wound in my keister. But I am extremely upset with this man here and, I must confess, with your whole operation, because, quite frankly, I have nothing to do with any of this. because, quite frankly, I have nothing to do with any of this. That's not what it looks like. The weapon you used in the diner? Stolen from ATF's vault. The gun you're robbing the cashier with. The gun you're robbing the cashier with. Oh, no, no. I'm not robbing. Although I can certainly see how you'd get that impression. We also got a red notice from Interpol when we ran your name. There's an outstanding warrant for your arrest. There's an outstanding warrant for your arrest. What? Istanbul, Turkey, ring any bells? Ohhh. (LAUGHS) Oh, yes. It does ring some bells, and believe it or not, there is a perfectly reasonable explanation, and you will find it very funny, because it's quite a story. and you will find it very funny, because it's quite a story. Hm. Tell it on the way. Put your left hand here. So, I took the family to Europe in the summer on '98, and one of our stops was Istanbul in Turkey. A must-see, if you've never been. My wife has this thing about` A must-see, if you've never been. My wife has this thing about` Yo, Vann. Phone call. ...Persian rugs. OK, I'm not a complainer, but that officer was very abusive. Not only was he physically violent, but, more disturbing to me, he was just rude. Vann. Your daughter wants to know if you're coming to her recital. Your daughter wants to know if you're coming to her recital. Oh, no. I can't. I'm in the middle of something right now. Um, I've gotta go. Could you tell her for me? You need to tell her. So, when we got back to the hotel, we discovered the rug is too big, so we decided to leave the rug at the hotel to be sent to us later. so we decided to leave the rug at the hotel to be sent to us later. Turn right. So, we finally get home, but we never got the rug. We get a letter from the hotel saying the rug had been seized at customs. Evidently, this rug had been stolen. It was a 1000-year-old prayer rug, and it was stolen. But how was I to know? I didn't know. And I'm the one that's out $230. Yeah, it was all very innocent, as I'm sure you can now understand. Yeah, it was all very innocent, as I'm sure you can now understand. I see. Lock him up. Lock him up. What? Lock him up. What? Let's go. What? Let's go. Let's go. Get him out of here. Let's go. Get him out of here. What? Wait a minute! This way. This way. I have done nothing wrong! I have` I` I` I haven't` I haven't done anything! You. This is the number to this phone. I want you to put a trace on it. I want the owner and an address. Call me when you got it. Call me when you got it. OK. Lieu ` looking for me? Explain the Wisconsin Kid. I set up a buy. He got in the middle of it. Now they think he's me. So the guns are still in play? So the guns are still in play? Yeah. How do you know it's not a set-up? How do you know it's not a set-up? With this guy? How do you know it's not a set-up? With this guy? Yeah, with this guy. Not with this guy. OK, where is he? OK, where is he? He's in holding, and he's gonna stay there. Yes, ma'am. Shit. They ate him already. Caucasian gentleman, big glasses? Caucasian gentleman, big glasses? Oh yeah. Didn't have the heart to put him in there. Ah! Thank you. Come on. So? Am I free to go now? Go? Oh, hell no. They're fixing a shit sandwich upstairs, and you're the mayonnaise. Possession of a stolen weapon, armed robbery and the Turkish government wants a little chat. OK. I wanna talk to an attorney. I get one phone call, and I wanna call an attorney. I get one phone call, and I wanna call an attorney. Let me lay your options out. You can come with me as a suspect who's cooperating or you can stay here and get married tonight. So, what's it gonna be? OK, just so we're clear ` I am not choosing to go with you. I'm choosing not to stay with them. I'm choosing not to stay with them. Uh-huh. I'm choosing not to stay with them. Uh-huh. OK. Hang on. This is one screwed-up crew. All right. Just so there's no confusion, here's the deal ` you're in my world now, not yours. In my world, your responsibilities begin and end with me. And what would those responsibilities be? And what would those responsibilities be? They think you want to buy guns. I need you to meet them to set up a buy, so I can bust them. OK, I am developing a slight phobia about meeting these guys. The whole meeting thing, quite frankly, is getting irritating. I have done everything you've asked me to do. Why can't I go? What does any of this have to do with me? Because every time they meet someone new, they're on the lookout for the man, and you most certainly do not look like the man. Oh, I don't look like the man! Well, thank you, because that clears up absolutely nothing. Who is the man? The heat, the pig, the popo, 5-0, the undercover agent that's gonna bust their ass. You're such a white-bread son of a bitch, these assholes trust you. You're such a white-bread son of a bitch, these assholes trust you. Well, people do trust me. That's not a compliment, shitstain. That's not a compliment, shitstain. OK. You know what? Why do you swear so much? Do you think it makes you sound tougher when you just swear all the time? Fuck you. Fuck you. OK, that's good. Really classy (!) I could go around all day saying eff you, eff this, eff that, you mother-effer. But I don't, because there has to be some civility in the world. Incidentally, there is a trick you can use to curb that habit. Every time you feel like saying the F-word, just go ahead and say it, and then add 'crying out loud'. Fuck-rying out loud. For crying out loud. For crying out loud. Before you know it, you're saying, 'Oh, for crying out loud.' 1 You did make her a promise. You always break your promises to her. You want her to grow up like you, not trusting anybody? You want her to grow up like you, not trusting anybody? Not the point. It's exactly the point. It's exactly the point. No, it's not. You promised her you'd be at her recital tonight. You promised her you'd be at her recital tonight. Something came up. My little girl's a ballerina too, and she's exactly your age. Really? Really? Yep. I help her with her pirouettes all the time. This is about you not wanting to go because her stepdad is going to be there. Oh! Is he dancing tonight too? And with the right feet positioning. There you go. OK. (LAUGHS) Yeah. That's good. Daddy, can Andy come with you tonight? Daddy, can Andy come with you tonight? Um... Look, honey. Daddy can't come tonight. Sorry. But I promise I will be there next time. I swear. I'm gonna make it up to you. CELLPHONE RINGS CELLPHONE RINGS Oh, fuh-crying out loud. Hold on. Look, Daddy's gotta go, OK? Go ahead. Goodbye. It was very nice meeting you, Kate. It was very nice meeting you, Kate. You too. So, what you got? So, what you got? The owner of that phone? It's Cortez. Who? Who? Manny Cortez. Katie. Katie. Thanks. Cortez is the back elevator, second floor. > Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Don't get up. LAUGHS: You scared me, man. What are you still doing here, Cortez? You were supposed to meet us at the warehouse. Do you mind? I'm, uh, I'm in the middle of something here. Do you mind? I'm, uh, I'm in the middle of something here. (CHUCKLES) I truly don't care. Look, there's too much heat on those guns, all right? I mean, you killed the cop. That wasn't in the deal. Well, he became a problem. Listen, we've got the merchandise. You need to pay us for it. Listen, we've got the merchandise. You need to pay us for it. I'm out, all right? I cannot do shit with those guns. You know, Cortez, that's your problem. You got the money or not? Find another buyer. And I suggest you get out of town as quickly as possible. Yo. Close the door on your way out. Sure. BANG! Well, I guess that just leaves the Turk. Well, I guess that just leaves the Turk. I guess so. Well, you've got a very nice family. You've got a wonderful daughter and a lovely wife. Ex-wife. Ex-wife, yes. Well, she seems like a nice person. Ex-wife, yes. Well, she seems like a nice person. Yeah. So, it just didn't work out, huh? Well, whatever. Would you like to see my family? Well, whatever. Would you like to see my family? No. Well, I would like to see my family. This is my oldest, Hannah. She's 12. I'm trying to get her interested in dental equipment, but I guess at that age, it's not cool yet. This is my little ballerina right here, and this is my wife, Susan, holding our new addition, Emily. She just turned 2. Already talking a mile a minute ` talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. A regular little chatterbox. A regular little chatterbox. I wonder where she gets that (!) Oh, I think she got it from me. Oh, I think she got it from me. You think? Well, I am, uh... I'm sorry about your situation. What situation would that be? Well, you've got people who love you, and yet you seem like a sad and lonely man. I'm not lonely. I'm not lonely. Well, I think you're lonely. I'm not lonely. Well, I think you're lonely. I'm not lonely. Fine, you're not lonely. You're alone. Fine, you're not lonely. You're alone. Yes, I'm alone, but I'm not lonely. It's two different things. It's two different things. Does the expression 'no man is an island' ring any bells? Does the expression 'shut your ass up' ring any bells? What now? What now? I have to go visit a friend of mine. Can I go with you? Can I go with you? No. Well, I would really like to go with you. Look, everybody in this neighbourhood knows my ride. Nobody messes with it. Nobody messes with it. OK. LOUD HIP-HOP PLAYS Cortez? Manny, where you at? You hiding under the bed again? Whew! Manny! ATF. ATF. Yeah, it's Van. Send a bag wagon over to Manny Cortez's place. The gun dealer? The gun dealer? Yeah, he took the deluxe cruise up Shits Creek, complements of a .45. ENGINE REVS No. Hey! Hey! Good afternoon. Out of the car! Oh! Ohh! HORNS HONK Oh! (HONKS HORN) This was not a good idea. This was not a good idea. HORN HONKS Oh boy. Oh! TYRES SCREECH Oh. Oh! Drives pretty good. HORNS BEEP, PEOPLE YELL ABUSE Well, you left the keys in the ignition. Not the smartest thing to do for a policeman. This would be a good time for you to be quiet. I know that's nearly impossible for you, but if I hear the sound of your voice right now, I can't be responsible for my actions, so this would be a very good time for you to shut up! I have a small question. I still have a question, and I think I'm entitled` I still have a question, and I think I'm entitled` What? Do you have a plan? What the hell's that supposed to mean? What the hell's that supposed to mean? Fail to plan and plan to fail. Just constructive criticism, OK? That's how two people working together` Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not working together, so get that thought out of your mind. Excuse me. You dragged me into this, and I'm giving a speech at 10am tomorrow, so the sooner you start treating me like a partner` so the sooner you start treating me like a partner` Hey, we are not partners. Ain't no way in the world that could happen. Ain't no way in the world that could happen. Well, what am I, then? Hmm? What are you? You are my bitch ` that's what. My own personal bitch. I pulled you out of lock-up as an SWC, which means Suspect Who's Cooperating, which means I own your ass, which means when I pull the strings, you dance. Till then, you sit there, keep your mouth shut and don't say a word, like the puppet you are. Hey, yo, Booty. Booty, what's up, man? Let's go. Come on. Booty! Hey, come on, man! Aaaah! Booty! We never finished our conversation. Booty! We never finished our conversation. I told you everything I know, man! PNEUMATICS WHIRR PNEUMATICS WHIRR (SCREAMS) I will cheese-grate your ass through this fence. Oh, come on, dog. I don't know no more. Argh! All right, all right, all right! All right! Would you get that phonebook over there for me? Who's this guy? Man, I don't know his na` Would you get your car out my ass, please? Man, I don't know his na` Would you get your car out my ass, please? Thank you. Argh! Who are those guys you hooked me up with? I need names. Who are those guys you hooked me up with? I need names. Man, they gonna kill my family, dog. Ow! Ow! Hey, just get the name. The name. Ow! Hey, just get the name. The name. I can't! Let's have a name. Let's have a name. Look, I can't! Ow! You know what? Make up a name. Give him something. There's no name here. He doesn't know a name. All right. The dude in the picture ` his name is Joey Trin, man. Good name. That's a good name. Good name. That's a good name. No, that's a real name. Good name. That's a good name. No, that's a real name. Keep talking. Look, I don't know nothing about no cop getting killed. Look, I don't know nothing about no cop getting killed. Well, who's Joey's boss? I dunno, some dude from out of town. I dunno, some dude from out of town. Give me an out-of-town name! I dunno, some dude from out of town. Give me an out-of-town name! I don't know his name, man. Oh, shit! I'm out of it. I'm out of it. I'm out of it. I'm out of it. The dude's named Kane. The crew boss name is Kane, man. That's all I know, other than he have a bad rep. I swear on my moms on that. I swear on my moms on that. Who hooked you up with Joey? I swear on my moms on that. Who hooked you up with Joey? Man, Cortez, dog. Ooh, not a good sign. Cortez is dead. Cortez is dead. Oh, man. Cortez is dead. Oh, man. CELLPHONE RINGS Excuse me. Hello? OK. Well, that was him. You lucked out, homes, but we will continue this conversation. You lucked out, homes, but we will continue this conversation. Shut up, man. Oh, and Booty? Oh, and Booty? Ahhh! Oh, and Booty? Ahhh! Watch your ass. Man! You broke my gold tooth, dog! Where we going? Where we going? Uh, Lucky's Bar and Grill in one hour. Is that all he said? No. No, there was something else. What he say? What he say? You won't like it. What he say? You won't like it. What he say? You're gonna get mad. You're gonna get mad. Tell me what he said. You're gonna get mad. Tell me what he said. He wants money. How much? How much? A lot. How much? A lot. How much? Look, I'm just the messenger. Look, I'm just the messenger. How much money?! Look, I'm just the messenger. How much money?! Half a million. What?! What?! I know. It was a heart-thumper. What?! I know. It was a heart-thumper. Shit. Where are we going? Where are we going? My ATM. Yo, Santos. Thank God. I need that 20 grand back. IA wants to look at my books. Thank God. I need that 20 grand back. IA wants to look at my books. I need some more. Do you think there's any way in hell I'm gonna give you another 20 grand? Do you think there's any way in hell I'm gonna give you another 20 grand? I need a half-mil. It's just show and tell. I'll have it back in an hour. Go away. Santos, open up. I've got something to tell you. Santos, open up. I've got something to tell you. What? Open up and I'll tell you. Open up and I'll tell you. What? Look, you give me the half-mil, I bust the bad guys and make this right. You don't, you lose the 20 grand and you take a shit bath for coming up short. At least this way, you do what I ask, you got a shot. Why are you doing this to me? You trusted me. Come on. (SNAPS FINGERS) . I'm hungry. I'm hungry. You'll live. I'm hungry. You'll live. No, no, I'm really hungry. Come on, man. My blood sugar is low and I'm feeling faint. I haven't eaten all day. I would like some food. OK, I'll get you a burger. I'd rather have something else. I'd rather have something else. It's a tasty burger. Red meat quite often doesn't agree with me. PATTY SIZZLES Will I make it to my speech tomorrow morning? Will I make it to my speech tomorrow morning? I dunno, man. That ain't a priority. You know what? You're not a very nice person. You don't care about anyone. You don't trust anyone. Trust can get you dead. 'Trust can get you dead.' There's not one person in this world that you trust? There's not one person in this world that you trust? Nope. Your mother. Your mother. Oh, hell, no. How can you not trust your mother? How can you not trust your mother? Could be playing me. How can a person go through life like that? How can a person go through life like that? Hey, at least I'm honest about it. What? You trust everybody you meet? What? You trust everybody you meet? I give everybody the benefit of the doubt, yes. And what happens when they screw you over? And what happens when they screw you over? Who's gonna screw me over? What? Do you think people are just waiting to screw people over? I couldn't live my life like that. I never met anyone I wasn't friends with eventually. I never met anyone whose ass I didn't kick, eventually. I never met anyone whose ass I didn't kick, eventually. Well, you must be very proud (!) Guns and shooting and kicking ass. You know, problems can be solved without ever touching a gun. Situation. You're walking with your wife. A guy comes up, grabs you from behind, puts a gun to your wife's head. What do you do? puts a gun to your wife's head. What do you do? Bite him. Bite him? Bite him? Do you have any idea how powerful the human bite is? The masseter muscles in the jaw can exert 600 pounds of pressure per inch, and I'm not even discussing bacteria. and I'm not even discussing bacteria. Masseter muscles? It's Latin. It's Latin. It's bullshit. Come on. Finish this shit. Let's go. You can afford this, right? STOMACH GROWLS LOUDLY You all right? I told you I have a problem with red meat. You gotta admit that was a good burger, though, right? STOMACH GURGLES You sure you're all right? You sure you're all right? Yeah. It doesn't last long. (FARTS) (SNIFFS) Oh! Ohh! Oh, damn! Let the window down! Oh, it's just a little flatulence. Oh, it's just a little flatulence. Oh! A little flatulence? An elephant could take a shit in the back seat and it wouldn't be worse. An elephant could take a shit in the back seat and it wouldn't be worse. Can we just let it go? (FARTS LOUDLY) (FARTS LOUDLY) Oh! Ohh! Oh, man. Oh! (COUGHS) Oh! Whoo. All right, let's do this. It's real simple. Show 'em the cash, get a time and a place, and you're back at your hotel. Uh, quick question ` you can't just go in there and arrest him, because... why? I want his boss and the guns in the same place at the same time. That's what this dance is all about. Here. Now, go. Remember, this is strictly flash cash. Show it to him, close the bag, bring it back. Uh, what if something goes wrong? Uh, what if something goes wrong? Nothing will go wrong. Uh, what if something goes wrong? Nothing will go wrong. What if it does? Nothing will go wrong. Nothing will go wrong. But what if it does? What if the deal doesn't happen? I'll be doing this for the rest of my life! Nothing will go wrong. Hey. Remember, time and a place. A time and a place. (FARTS) (FARTS) Oh! Son of a bitch! Hello. Ah! Excuse me! Ah! Excuse me! Hey, just checking for a wire, mate. You're good. Well? Well? Yes. Born lucky. Born lucky. OK. Am I good? Am I good? Oh, I would think. I would think. OK. Great. Good. Now, all we need is a time and a place, and we have ourselves a deal. We have ourselves a little problem. What? Nobody. Nobody comes up with half a million dollars in cash in an hour. So you tell me ` who are you? I'm a businessman. I'm a businessman. Businessman, right. And what kind of business is that, exactly? What business? I provide quality precision tools to professionals who demand the very best, period. Now, are we gonna do business? Look, Turk, I need to speak to my boss. Well, why am I talking to you, Joey? Well, why am I talking to you, Joey? How do you know my name? Because... I know your name. I... I know names. Let's just say I was born lucky, OK? Lucky, huh? Lucky, huh? And another thing ` from now on, I only talk to Kane. Look, Turk. You know, I can't just go and tell Kane to walk away from a deal he already has in place, just cos some guy he doesn't know flashes some cash at me. Understand? Keep the money. I don't care about the money. Think I care about the money? Don't care about it. I can get money. Just consider that a good-faith deposit. And you tell Kane there's a lot more where that came from, but only if he stops wasting my time. Oh, one more thing. From now on, I call you. Comprende? Comprende? Comprende. Excuse me. Where's the money? Where's the money? I gave it to him. I told him I'd call him with a time and a place, and walked out. You should've seen. You gave a half-million dollars in cash to some gunrunning killers? You gave a half-million dollars in cash to some gunrunning killers? Correct! God damn you`! God damn you`! SILENCE ...asshole! Son of a bi`! ...asshole! Son of a bi`! I've never seen anyone that pissed off before. God damn it! You said nothing unexpected would happen, and something unexpected happened. What's to stop them taking my money and running? They know they'd be giving up a lot more where that came from. He was about to walk. I had to change the game plan, so I'm now calling the shots. I had to change the game plan, so I'm now calling the shots. Oh, so you in charge now? I am indeed. I am indeed. You're the man! I am indeed. You're the man! Yes, I am the man. Well, what do we do now, man? Well, I think we just let them stew for a while. Know what I mean? And then we call them in a few hours. And then we call them in a few hours. What do we do in the meantime, man? We go to your daughter's recital. GENTLE PIANO MUSIC PLAYS AUDIENCE MURMURS APPLAUSE Daddy! Daddy! Hey, star. I knew you'd come. Thanks for reminding me about tonight. That's the first time I've heard you say thank you in a long time. Sorry. Thank you and sorry? I think your new partner is a good influence. Thank you and sorry? I think your new partner is a good influence. You have no idea. Andy, this is Mark. Andy, this is Mark. How you doing? Andy, this is Mark. How you doing? Nice to meet you. Vann. Vann. Mark. Well, we'd better go. Come on, Katie. Come on, baby. Bye, Daddy. Bye, Daddy. Bye, honey. Can I say something? Can I say something? No. I think you're still in love with her, and if you don't get over this, you may lose the other woman in your life. Just a thought. Barney Bunny should be in the bottom dresser drawer, honey, because that's his very own bed. Oh. Oh, good, sweetheart. Don't you feel better? OK, honey. Is Mommy there? Hi, Susan. Oh, no, no. Things are fine. Convention's going great. I'm, uh... I'm the man. I'm going to be home tomorrow night, so I'll see you then. I love you too, honey. Bye. Thanks. Why don't we go ahead and do this so you can get back to your family? Why don't we go ahead and do this so you can get back to your family? Really? Just do this one thing, and you're done. Just do this one thing, and you're done. OK. Question ` when you say done, do you mean 'finished, no more, nothing else' done? Make the call. 1 I have a question. Um, isn't it normal to have some kind of back-up for a situation like this? I didn't hear you call for any back-up. I didn't hear you call for any back-up. That's right. Oh. Here we go. My hands are sweaty. Just be the man. Who's this? Well, I came to meet your associate. This is my associate. Well, I came to meet your associate. This is my associate. You know what? He looks like a cop. (LAUGHS) He does. He does look like a cop, but he is most definitely not a cop, so let's put that to bed right now. so let's put that to bed right now. So, like I said, Turk, who is he? so let's put that to bed right now. So, like I said, Turk, who is he? Who is he? He's, uh, my bitch. Your bitch? Your bitch? He's my own personal bitch. Hey, bitch, come here. Come on, come on, come on, come on. I pull the strings, and he dances. Come on, come on, come on, come on. I pull the strings, and he dances. That right? You his bitch? Why don't you answer the man? You can talk, bitch. I wanna hear you say it. Who's my bitch? I am. I didn't hear that. Did you hear that? I didn't hear that. Did you hear that? No. I couldn't hear anything. We can't hear. Who's my bitch? I'm his bitch. That a boy. All right. Well, get in,... bitch. Why don't you get in the back, bitch? Crotch-grabbing time? Crotch-grabbing time? Yeah, yeah. We'll take care of it. Get in. So, where's your guy? He's here. Where? Where? You're looking at him, asshole. I am Kane. You can still call me Joey. I answer to both. The real question is ` who are you? I'm the man with the money. Better yet, I'm the only man with the money. There's just one small problem, money man. There's just one small problem, money man. What's that? I think you're a cop. I think you're a cop. Oh. Yeah, I am. My name is Vann. Wade was my partner. I've been tracking what he was doing from the beginning. I could have busted him, you, your whole gang, but I was waiting for the right time. I want in. It's true. He's ATF. So, you knew about the heist, huh? So, you knew about the heist, huh? Hell, yeah. You think I don't know what my partner's doing? How do I know you're not here to settle the score? How do I know you're not here to settle the score? Please. Played in the rain, got wet. You wait for this moment? You wait for this moment? I can take the heat off you from the inside, and I can move the guns. You know I've got the money, cos my man here just gave you that half-mil like it was nothing. You're not the only one with connections, Agent Vann. I have a buyer. I have a buyer. You had a buyer ` Manny Cortez. Unfortunately, somebody put a .45 slug in him ` the same kind of bullet that took out my partner. Some might call that a coincidence, but I don't believe in coincidences. Do you? Not really. Not really. I figured you'd take my deal over Manny's, cos you're greedy. But now I see you're just plain desperate. You're stuck with a truckload of guns and no buyer. So, what's it gonna be, Joey? Kane? You've got it all figured out, haven't you, Agent Vann? We'll see. Enjoy your swim, ladies. Tell me you didn't pee in the pool. Wait a minute. Are we gonna make a deal with this cop? Wait a minute. Are we gonna make a deal with this cop? Get in. Go. Now. Well, I guess this is it. Well, I guess this is it. Yeah. You can go back to the world of dental supply. Oh, yeah. Yeah. If you want to show up tomorrow, I can make it happen. I'm still in the middle of this thing. I'm still in the middle of this thing. Oh, yeah. Sure. Just a thought. It's been interesting. Yeah, well. Hey, maybe next time I'm in town, I'll look you up. Or not. Doesn't, uh... CHUCKLES: Boy. Hate these long goodbyes. So, uh, well, see you later. Yeah, you take it easy. We in the exciting field of dental-supply sales have been on the cutting edge of technology and science for years, and especially today ` be it porcelain veneers, be it dental implants that are fast eliminating the use of dentures and bridges in patients' mouths, be it the use of carbomide peroxide in combination with ultraviolet light that has cut teeth bleaching down to a one-hour one-time visit... APPLAUSE Yes, we pledge another year of excellence in the field, and finally, we are here... ALL: ...to provide quality precision tools to professionals who demand the very best. Thank you. Thank you. APPLAUSE, CHEERING Thank you. Thank you. You killed them. You killed, Andy. Yes! Oh! Oh! Mr Fidler. Oh! Mr Fidler. Yes! Come with us. Where are you taking me? Where are you taking me? Watch your head. He said I was done. Uh, what is going on? He said I was done. Uh, what is going on? We were hoping you might tell us. Look, I don't know who you people think I am. Look, I don't know who you people think I am. We know exactly who you are. What we don't know is how a guy like you could go so wrong so fast. Here you are meeting a gunrunner named Joey Trent. And here you are doing the 411 with Hector Babcock ` aka Booty, a gun dealer who we just found in the trunk of his own car. But you might be confused about who the real bad guy is. Agent Vann, your new best friend. He's the one who put the bullet through Booty's head. Oh, no. He wouldn't do that. No? No? No. No? No. Check out Manuel Cortez. Another gun dealer Vann paid a visit to. Last, but not least, his own partner ` or ex-partner, I should say. So you have a dead ATF agent, a dead snitch and a dead gunrunner ` the only connection, Agent Vann. Well, I don't believe that. Why not? Cos he's such a nice guy? Why do you think he never called for back-up? He didn't want cops around. I don't know anything. I-I` I don't know anything. I-I` That's bullshit! I don't know anything! I don't know anything! Bullshit! You're up to your neck in it, pal. You're up to your neck in it, pal. What do you want? Wear a wire and get Vann to admit he was in on the heist and he killed his partner. Oh, is that all? You don't have a choice. You don't have a choice. Really? What if I just say, 'No, thank you'? Then the US Department of Justice will take a giant shit on you. Then the US Department of Justice will take a giant shit on you. Ah. Very pleasant (!) Believe me, your best option is to go along with us SWC. That's` ...Suspect Who's Cooperating. I know. I've been that. It didn't work out too well. Let me get this straight. You sprung him from holding, gave him half a million, then let him go? The guy's a salesman from out of town. The guy's a salesman from out of town. Oh, really? It was a coincidence he showed up at exactly the right place and time in the diner? For all you know, he could be an undercover IA agent. Did you ever check him for a wire? Did you ever check him for a wire? I didn't have to. The guy was scared shitless. I can't believe that you, of all people, bought his story, Mr 'I don't trust nobody'. Now they've got you tied to the heist, your partner's murder and your snitch. Booty's dead. This guy's a killer. If he senses anything wrong, he'll toe-tag your ass. I just need a sound check. You want me to say something? You want me to say something? Good. I've got it. You want me to say something? Good. I've got it. Good. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. Hey. Hey, I said, I got it. I don't think I can do this. I don't think I can do this. Just do one thing for us, and you're done. You guys have got to stop saying that. The guy helped set up a buy that's gonna go down any time now. What I need from you is an assault unit to back me up. What I need from you is an assault unit to back me up. Forget it. I want your badge and your gun. You're on suspension. I want your badge and your gun. You're on suspension. Bullshit. Your badge and your gun, now! You're serious? You're serious? I'm trying to protect you! We've got a dead agent, and I can't account for what you've done for the past day, except lose a lot of money and make best friends with the IA agent who's gonna bust your ass. And that look does not scare me. And that look does not scare me. I am one inch away. An inch too far, OK? Gun and badge. You're wrong. The guy's at a convention right now, giving a speech. Really? Then who's that standing behind you? Guess who. What the hell are you doing here? What the hell are you doing here? I knew you were gonna ask. I just finished my speech, and I had a little time before my flight and thought I'd see how you were. Chit-chat? Is...? Is there some place we can talk? Is...? Is there some place we can talk? CELLPHONE RINGS Yeah. Yeah. Avenue A, Warehouse Three, right now. Don't forget the money. Why don't we, uh, talk in my car? Come on. In the car? We're going to the car. Over. 1 Visual on vehicle at Michigan and First. OK, I read you, Air Support. Stay above audible range, but don't lose them. Copy that. So, where are we headed? Do you want to get a smoothie? So, where are we headed? Do you want to get a smoothie? We're going to see our old friends. Oh. Well, I've got a 5 o'clock flight, so I don't know if I can` Oh. Well, I've got a 5 o'clock flight, so I don't know if I can` Hey. You wanted to chit-chat. Yes, I do. Yes, I do. So let's chit-chat. Yes, I do. So let's chit-chat. OK, good. So, how you doing? So, how you doing? Good. So, how you doing? Good. You wired? Yes. Yes, I am wired. I'm, you know, a white-knuckle flyer. I get pre-flight anxiety. So I get very anxious before a flight. I didn't think it showed. THUMPING So, I guess you got your money. So, I guess you got your money. No. I didn't. Did you call for back-up? Did you call for back-up? Do I ever call for back-up? Did you call for back-up? Do I ever call for back-up? No. You think I'm dirty. You tell me. I ain't telling you shit, you IA piece of crap. I ain't telling you shit, you IA piece of crap. What?! Thought you had me played. Feeding me all that bullshit. I've been feeding you bullshit? I've been feeding you bullshit? That's right. Bullshit! Oh, now, you wait just one minute, mister. You shot me, you dragged me all over town, you used me to set up your dirty deals. I've got news for you, homey. I'm not your bitch any more. Now, I want the truth and I want it now. I think you're involved and I think you killed Booty. Shit. He just blew it. I killed Booty? I said I think you killed Booty. How did you even know he was dead? Exactly. How would I know? I would not know. I wouldn't know, so I could not be more wrong. Let's do this, gentlemen. Inside. Target has stopped. The deal's going down now. They told me to get a confession from you. They told me to get a confession from you. I know. Shall we? Down! Down! GUNSHOT BIRD WINGS FLAP Shots fired. Repeat, shots fired. Get me an assault team. Get out. Get out. We're gonna die. We're gonna die. Get out. We're gonna die. We're gonna die. Hey. Hey! Just calm down. We are not going to die. > Trust me. There are the guns. Where's my money? Let me ask you something ` did he say I was his bitch or his dumb bitch? I'm just gonna roll in here with a truckload of cash so you can take it and kill me? Do I look stupid? In case you are, I'll speak real slow. If you don't have $2.5 million in your car, you'll both die now. I don't think so. I don't think so. Yeah? Why's that? I don't think so. Yeah? Why's that? Cos we brought company. You son of a bitch. You're under arrest. You're under arrest. That's your cue. What's my assault team's ETA? I need 'em here now. So, tell me ` which one of you Spice Girls blew my partner away? So, tell me ` which one of you Spice Girls blew my partner away? That'd be me. I guess that makes you Scary Spice. I guess that makes you Scary Spice. Yeah? I guess that makes you Scary Spice. Yeah? Yeah. Let's not lose our heads here, cos we all have people we wanna see again. I have a family, you have a daughter. I'm sure you have someone. I have a family, you have a daughter. I'm sure you have someone. I have no one. Let me finish. You have someone not in the traditional sense. Let me finish. You have someone not in the traditional sense. Wonderful. Now I have you. I have got to learn to stop talking. I have got to learn to stop talking. Now, back off. I have got to learn to stop talking. Now, back off. Or what? Do I really need to say it? Do I really need to say it? You shoot him, I shoot you. Better yet, this gun could put a hole through both of you. Better yet, this gun could put a hole through both of you. You don't do that. Want to bet? Want to bet? You won't shoot your friend. Want to bet? You won't shoot your friend. Ah, yes, he would, and did. But I hope he won't. But I hope he won't. Shut up. But I hope he won't. Shut up. Nigel, take his gun. You'll give your gun to Nigel and get on your knees slowly. (SCOFFS) Let it go. You're alone, Agent Vann. You're alone, Agent Vann. It might appear that way, but my man Masseter's got my back. < Who? < Who? Mr Masseter. Latin dude. 600 pounds of power. Nice try. See, now I'm gonna count to three, and if you don't give your gun to Nigel and get on your knees, I'm gonna put a bullet between your eyes. One. Two. Two. Three! Two. Three! GUNSHOTS Ah! Move in now. Go, go, go! Move in now. Go, go, go! SIRENS WAIL FLASHBANG EXPLODES Oh! Oh! GUNFIRE Shit! (PANTS) GUNFIRE Are you alive? Are you hit? Yeah. Yeah. Where? In my ass. In your ass? Let me take a look. Ow! Shit! Get off me! (PANTS) I'll get the taco sauce. Get down! Get down! I assume that Agent Vann has been cleared by IA now? Not so fast. I want to see every penny of that money. Heads up. Heads up. How about now, you bean-counting moron? I appreciate the ride, I really do, but I think I can get on a plane by myself. I'm sure you can, but... I just want to see it with my own eyes. STOMACH GROWLS Tell me I didn't hear what I think I just heard. Tell me I didn't hear what I think I just heard. It's nothing. I wouldn't worry about it. It's nothing. Did you eat lunch when you went back to the hotel? Did you eat lunch when you went back to the hotel? I ate. What did you eat, exactly? What did you eat, exactly? I ate a sandwich. What kind of sandwich? What kind of sandwich? STOMACH GROWLS What kind of sandwich? STOMACH GROWLS Steak sandwich. ELEVATOR DINGS (RETCHES) (RETCHES) Holy shit, you rotten-ass son of a bitch! Sisters. Sisters. (COUGHS) Oh! Sweet Jesus! NUNS BANG ON DOOR Right through, please, sir. You're fine. Sir? Right through. Sir? Right through. SCANNER BEEPS Uh... Uh, sir, would you come with me, please? On the mat, please. Arms straight out. That's it. Thank you. METAL DETECTOR BEEPS Uh... Is there something in your butt, sir? Yeah, a bullet, that's permanently lodged my ass, that I received in the line of duty, saving his ass. I can vouch for that. I'm going to have to ask you to step behind the screen, please, sir. Gonna need a cavity-search team, please. Gonna need a cavity-search team, please. Oh, hell, no. That ain't happening. No, no, no. You cannot step past this point. You cannot step past this point. Don't worry. I am never going past this point. See what you've done? I can't even leave town now. See what you've done? I can't even leave town now. Sorry. Well, I guess I should get going. You say goodbye to your beautiful little ballerina for me. You say goodbye to your beautiful little ballerina for me. Tell yours I said hello too. Well... Well... Whoa, whoa! Let's not and say we did. Okey-doke. (GASPS) Told you I never met anyone I wasn't friends with eventually. Bye, Vann. Andy. Cavity-search team? Cavity-search team? Yes, sir. Where the hell you guys been? The guy's getting away. Grey plaid suit, brown bag. Hurry! Sir! Excuse me, sir. Sir? Excuse me, sir. We need to perform a cavity search, please. We need to perform a cavity search, please. What? Who's my bitch? It'll just take a few moments. It'll just take a few moments. I have done nothing wrong!