1 MAN: Look at us. Running around. Always rushed. Always late. I guess that's why they call it the human race. What we crave most in this world is connection. And for some people, it happens at first sight. It's when you know, you know. It's fate working its magic. And that's great for them. They get to live in a pop song. Ride the express train. But that's not the way it really works. For the rest of us, it's a bit less romantic. It's complicated and it's messy. It's about horrible timing and fumbled opportunities and not being able to say what you need to say when you need to say it. At least, that's the way it was for me. (MAN STAMMERS) Taxi...taxi...taxi...taxi. Taxi. Taxi driver's interesting. Fat, pedalling, cuckoo-looking bitch. Fat, pedalling, cuckoo-looking bitch. Fat, pedalling, cuckoo-looking bitch. Fat, pedalling, cuckoo-looking bitch. Fat, pedalling... Fat, pedalling, cuckoo-looking bitch. Pig-face...pig-face, gimpy-limping mama. Pig-face, gimpy-limping mama. Pig-face, gimpy-limping mama. Pig-face, gimpy-limping mama. I got a pig-face...pig-face, gimpy-limping mama. I got a pig-face, gimpy-limping mama limping on by. Pig-face... I got a pig-face... Man boy. Little man boy. Beady-eyed little man boy. Beady-eyed little... beady-eyed little man boy. I see a beady-eyed little man boy. Beady-eyed... Beady-eyed little man boy. I see a...beady-eyed... Beady-eyed little man boy looking at me. I got a beady-eyed little man boy. Beady-eyed little man boy. Beady-eyed little man boy looking at me. (OVERLAPPING CONVERSATIONS) Sorry. You are not a beady-eyed little man child. 'Boy', he distinctly said, OK? And that's worse. And I am. I'm like...I'm a beady-eyed-looking little man boy that shouldn't be wearing sweater vests. He was mentally ill, standing on a street corner. Kassie, exactly. He had no reason to be polite, OK? It was like a Tourette-style truth serum affliction this guy had and I was caught in the crosshairs. I can't believe this stuff still bothers you, Wally. I can't believe this stuff still bothers you, Wally. It does. I have some big news. Can I... I wanna show you something. First I wanna show you something. Check this out. Look at that. What is it? I seem to have a growth. Oh, my God! Is that your scrotum? It's not a sunset. Ugh! You're exhausting. My health exhausts you. (SIGHS) We'll deal with my death later. My turn. See this? Yeah. That's the dollar and yen. I bought in a week ago. Good for you. Now look at it like this. Yeah. Sideways. Now, if someone you knew owned this stock, what advice would you give them? I don't know, Kassie ` I got to look at fundamentals, you know, PE ratio. Just simple, simple. Hold or sell? Gotta sell that. It's going down. Exactly. This, Wally...this is what a woman's fertility looks like after a certain age. So? So I would like you to be the first to know I'm having a baby. You're pregnant? No. Not yet. But I'm working on it. Went to the doctor. She said all my levels are really great, considering. And, uh, she said that my cervical mucous is gorgeous, by the way. Thanks for that. And, uh... And then she started giving me this lecture about my age and I was really starting to hear her about timing and why wait. (MOANS) And, you know, it started... Would you please stop having sex with your food? Sorry, you know I don't know when I do it. And then I thought to myself, "I can do this." I've got a killer new job at the network and I don't need a man to have a baby. Technically speaking, you do. Where's all this coming from? Is this about Paul? Because if it is, why don't you just chalk it up as another one of your disastrous flame-outs and move on? This has absolutely nothing to do with Paul. I think it does. And thank you for bringing it up. All I'm saying is don't kick that can down the road. You need to look at your relationship instead of biting off the next step. Deal with the one before. You know what? I'm just tired of thinking about how this is supposed to go, alright? I'm just ready to do it now. (FLATLY) Really. Life is in session. Is that from an infomercial? No. Really? Yes. Did you buy the DVD? One. But it's really something that resonated with me. Wally, I don't... You know what? I'm gonna do this. I want to have a kid and I'm in the market for some... ..semen. And... (SIGHS) And? I need you to help me find some. So, what, are you gonna, like, use a service? You're gonna read resumes? You know, all that stuff is crap. I heard about this woman in Queens. She thought she was buying the sperm of an Ivy League athlete. Turned out it came from a homeless guy. Turned out it came from a homeless guy. Oh, you did not hear that. Kid turned out homeless. She tried to sue and she lost. You just made all of that up. Did I? Why are you even on this train? 'Cause we're not nearly done talking about this. 'Cause we're not nearly done talking about this. Wally, you're a vortex. I have four interviews this week, one of which I'm prepared for, OK? Listen, now, uh, what's wrong with my sperm, by the way? With your sperm? It works. Uh...nothing. Um...um... I'm sure you have... killer sperm. You're damn right. But, you know, we're best friends. Isn't that weird? That'd be weird. It is weird. You're right. OK. You know what? How do I put this? Careful. Um... You're a little neurotic. You know? I see. Little self-absorbed, pessimistic. I got it. And I'm not pessimistic ` sorry. I'm a realist. Wally, this is not about you, alright? And whether you can deal with this or not... Excuse me. Oh, no, please don't say it. Life's in session. MAN: She wouldn't know good sperm if it slapped her in the face. Ugh! What does she take you for, a eunuch? But look, you're jealous. It's perfectly normal. But look, you're jealous. It's perfectly normal. No, I'm not. I'm not jealous. Big-time primal stuff you're dealing with, jungle stuff, and you have every right to be upset. She put you in the friend zone six years ago, brother. That's a cold and inhospitable place where your manhood is an endangered species. And now we're talking about your seed getting devalued by her. Hey... Ooh, that's gotta... She did not put me in the friend zone. We put each other there. It was mutual. Let's be honest with ourselves. You had your window with Kassie and you went all Wally on her and you doomed it. I what? What is that even supposed to mean? You shared too much too soon ` quickest way to kill a romance. You gotta hide the crazy, at least through the appetisers. I see. Just so I'm clear, which one of your three failed marriages taught you that lesson? All three in their special and various ways. Exactly, so... OK, I appreciate the kind advice, but I'm fine. Are you? Yeah. 'Cause I still don't know why you emailed me a picture of your armpit. I told you that I thought I had a growth. And was it an armpit? Oh, golly, I hope so. (BELL RINGS) (OVERLAPPING CONVERSATIONS) Please tell me you didn't invite Wally. Of course I did. (SIGHS) Is he bringing that internet girl? No. She broke up with him. Shocker. Do you know I've had orgasms that last longer than his relationships? Would you stop? (WHISPERS) Sorry. OK, here are your talking points, Minister. Listen, I know that Wally can be a bit blunt, but at least he tells it like it is, you know what I mean? It's like when things get too intimate, he gets...he walls up. But nobody... there's nobody I trust more. I mean, he always has my back. Yeah, I get it, Kass ` he's your BFF, he's a really good guy, totally undateable. he's your BFF, he's a really good guy, totally undateable. Nobody is totally undateable. Come on. I mean, there's gotta be somebody out there for him. (BELL RINGS) Done! MAN: Alright, people, we're back. Places! I hope this party doesn't suck. (SCOFFS) KASSIE: You better. Yeah. WALLY: Yep. Alright. You should've gotten Debbie a gift. Oh, come on. It's her 30th birthday. She's really vulnerable. Pretending it's actually her 30th is gonna be my gift to that old bag. (GIGGLES) Hey, so here's where I'm at. So I want a donor that I can meet, you know? I want someone whose eyes I can look into. I want to be able to, you know, shake his hand and you can't do that at a sperm bank, right? I also want it fresh, you know? I don't think I want it frozen. Who wants frozen? Frozen's so refreshing, though. (LAUGHS) What kind of qualities would you be shopping for? Uh, sense of humour is most important. Why do you women always say that sense of humour's always the most important thing? We all know that that's a lie. OK. So then height. No. But, you know, funny height. Funny height. (DISCO MUSIC PLAYS) SONG: # You set my lips on fire # You won the key... # Come on, Wally Mars. Aren't you gonna dance with me? No, I'm not, birthday girl. Not really feeling it tonight, you know? Not really feeling it tonight, you know? You are such a buzz kill. I don't want to break your flow. You're doing such a great job of killing it over there. Oh! You dressed up for my party. That's so nice. You're welcome. Stripes. (LAUGHS NASTILY) OK, who's dancing with me? (CHEERING) Just perfect! (LAUGHS) # Instant replay... # It was good! That's a funny horror film. MAN: That's what a horror film needs. They haven't really made an honest kickboxing film yet. That's so true. I hadn't thought about that, but you're absolutely right. That's... Hi. I'm bored. Let's get a kebab. Wally, this is Declan. He's a, uh, writer-slash-director. Hey, double threat. Hey, Wally. This is Wally. He's one of my oldest friends. That's right. He's in equities. Analyst. (LAUGHS) Seriously, come with me. I think I'm gonna stay. I don't think so. What? Hey, Wally, you got any great stock tips for me? Oh, Declan, they're all, you know... they're all going straight up. Some free advice ` go on margin, go strong, go long. Let's do it. Go strong, go long? That's right. Really? Yep. You always tell me to get out. Changed my mind. Let's go. One second, OK? (CLICKS TONGUE) Oh, boy, did you see that? He just got the finger gun. I heard it. Come on. Please? Oh! (GRUMBLES) What?! He's married. Divorced. (SIGHS) And he's lying. How do you know that? Because there's a tan line on his finger where his ring should be. Because there's a tan line on his finger where his ring should be. What? Tell me you're not thinking of this guy as a donor. Alright, well, you know what? I don't know. I don't know. I still might do it. What are you talking about? Are you out of your mind? Mmm! You're gonna let Captain Douche be the father of your child? That locks it up for you? I don't know yet. Alright. Tell you what, you're on your own. Tell you what, you're on your own. Oh, yeah, OK. (DOOR GLIDES SHUT) (SIGHS) (FORLORN MUSIC) OK. Wally? Wally! (DISTANT THUMPING) KASSIE: Anybody?! (TURNS UP MUSIC) Declan. Declan. Hey, Kassie left. What? Yeah. Kassie had to go. Where? (SIGHS) She had to go to her dealer's house, OK? Now, this guy's a bit paranoid ` excuse me ` so she went by herself. She's gone to go pick up some drugs, alright? Some ecstasy, bro, and some Viagra, alright? And she digs you. Ha! She digs me. You bet your ass she digs you. It's on. "It's on like Donkey Kong" is what she wanted me to say to you. Now, this is the address to the Love Shack and you've gotta go right now. Go. Seriously. Establish a safe word too, OK? Wally! Ohhh! I cannot... You sent him to Washington Heights? Yeah. Harlem's too gentrified. I had to go higher. I wasn't even gonna go through with it. It's just an idea, you know? I wanted to let it breathe. God, what's wrong... Why have you been so weird lately? I haven't. Yeah, you have. I don't think you should do it. What? The whole baby thing, alright? Oh, stop it! It's not right. It's not natural. Wally, stop it! What if you meet someone tomorrow, alright? Or, like, six months from now? You guys fall in love, and by the time you realise it, it's too late. Why is this so hard for you to accept? Look, I'm not going to wait around for some version of this that might never happen, OK? Look, this wasn't my plan either. I didn't grow up in Minnesota dreaming of the day that I was gonna put an ad out for a sperm donor on Craigslist. But I'm here and it's happening and it's scary and I can't count on you. I can't ask for your support without you just spewing out constant judgments. You're supposed to be my friend. You're supposed to be my friend. Well, yeah. I think we should take some time. I think we need a time-out. Already learning how to speak Mommy, huh? Wow. Tax... (SIGHS) See you later. I'm not just your friend. Debbie Epstein's your friend. (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS) Look at you. Is somebody chasing you? Dude. Yep. Let me guess ` Kassie issues? No, no. There's no issue. We just... We haven't seen each other for a week. She says we're on a time-out. Time-out? Yep. Time-out?! What are you, six? You didn't share your animal crackers? Grown-ups don't go on time-outs. Grown-ups have sex with their lady friends, Mars. You're eating a chocolate bar on 2. It's not on 2. It's certainly not on 2. And I need just a little energy. And I'm in the fat-burning zone. You're burning muscle. This is how you burn fat. (ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYS) (HAPPY CHATTER) WOMAN: Aloha! Hi. Oh! How...sweet. Did I just do it, then? You're...you're busy, OK? No? Is this confusing? One more of these. I got it. Cool if I did this by myself? Picking up on your eyes. Hey, Wally. Hi. Want me to top up? No, thanks. I'm good. No. Thank you. I'm gonna stick with the hard stuff tonight. Hey, so who does this? A party for insemination? Is there even a doctor here, Debbie? Yes, Dr Orensen. That guy? Does he, like, practise out of a camper? Does he, like, practise out of a camper? He's progressive. This whole night was my idea. It's how everybody's doing it these days. And Kassie's gonna go in the other room, we're all gonna leave and she's gonna, like, do the deed with this big baster. Shouldn't that be cleaned or something? Why is it up here? I'm messing with you! Oh! Ha ha, Wally! Debbie, knock that off. She's gonna use a medical device but, you know, it's basically the same thing. It goes in and out. Mm-hm. (SIGHS) Charming. Wally, what is wrong with you? You have, like, this negative... all these negative ions that pop off like fleas. Here, try this. It'll make you less anxious. What's this? I stole them from my mother. They're herbal. But they might as well be pharmaceutical. If I take one, will you walk away? If I take one, will you walk away? I should change the guacamole. You know when it goes from green to brown? Like, ugh, that putrid... Kind of like your sweater. Alright! SONG: # Love you, baby # With a little 'L'... # (MOANS) Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. Unbelievable. SONG: # Till my stone cold grave I'll be pushin' on... # Come on. # Till my blood runs dry... # This is a strange one. Huh. Only Kassie would do it like this. (LAUGHS) Yeah? I don't know her that well. (LAUGHS) Yeah? I don't know her that well. No? Can I get you a drink? Uh, yes, you sure can. Thanks, bartender. I'm Wally. (LAUGHS) Roland. I'm the, uh, donor. Yeah. Roland the donor. Yeah. I am...I am Wally the best friend. Kassie's best friend. Oh. That's OK. (INHALES NOISILY) Great. Hi. (WOMEN GIGGLE) I feel like the prized hog. Bet you're used to that, huh? Hey, let me ask you a question. Uh, why are you doing this? We could use the money. 'We'? Yeah, my wife and I. Yeah. She's right over there. Hello. Hi. WALLY: Wow. She's beautiful. Yeah, thank you. She's the... she's the light of my life. She is, uh...she's my soul mate. Oh, man. Is she... I bet... Is she the wind under your wings? Yeah. Yeah. Right. I get it. Yeah, so it gets a little tough on a teacher's salary. I'm assistant professor at Columbia. Teach a course in feminist literary tradition. That right? Yeah. DEBBIE: OK. It's game time. Are you ready? Uh, OK. They got a nice room. Put everything... Well, you know. Duty calls. Good talking to you, Wally. (MOUTHS) (QUIETLY) He's so great! Make way! It's happening, people! ROLAND: Alright! No pressure! Hi. I just met your Viking. Ah. Gorgeous, isn't he? (FLATLY) Yeah, delicious. What's going on in here? The truth? Mm-hm. I'm freaking out. I really thought that throwing a party would, you know, make it fun, but it's...it's just really depressing. Come on. You think I'm crazy, don't you? I think that you want to have a child and I think that that's natural. You're not nuts. Hmm. You're OK. (SIGHS) Thank you. Oh, Wally, thank you. Alright? You get it, don't you? I get it. You get it. Oh! Alright. Mmm! OK. Where's my crown? Oh. OK. I'm gonna be fine. I'm just a little emotional. Crown looks fantastic. 'Bye. (PARTYGOERS CHATTER) DEBBIE: Let's do a toast. OK, you guys! (TAPS GLASS) Are you all ready? (CHEERING) Before we get down to the nitty-gritty and kick you all out, I just wanted to make a toast to our donor, Roland. (OBNOXIOUSLY) Yeah! (CHEERING) Roland, where are you? The man of our night. He's right there. There he is. Roland. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) How did it go in there? Uh... Debbie! I also... (LAUGHS) ..wanna make a toast to our Kassie, why we're all here. You're an inspiration to all of us. WOMAN: Whoo-hoo! You are taking the bull by the horns. You're Venus. And we're doing it, you know? So to Kassie. It's amazing. We're doin' it for ourselves. (WILD CHEERING, APPLAUSE) SONG: Papa don't preach... # Oh, my God! # I'm in trouble deep... # You're kidding! I didn't plan this. # Papa don't preach... # This is cosmic! # I've been losing sleep ALL: # But I've made up my mind... # Hey, Wally! # I'm keeping my baby # Mmm, I'm gonna keep my baby... # Come here! Come here. # Ooh, oh # Papa don't preach # I'm in trouble deep # Papa don't preach # I've been losing sleep But I've made up... # WOMAN: Yes, I'm in here! Maybe use the other bathroom. Alrighty. SONG: # Here comes the sun # Shine! # Here it comes shining through... # Ooh! Hmm. (SNORTS, CHUCKLES) Ooh, Kassie. (URINATES, SIGHS HEAVILY) (WATER POURS) Ohh! Yeah! Ooooh! Wahhh! (LAUGHS) Oooh! (KNOCK AT DOOR) ROLAND: Are you in there? I'm in here! OK, sorry. (UNBUCKLES BELT) (ELEVATOR DINGS) (ELEVATOR DINGS) (INHALES DEEPLY) (VOMITS) (SPITS) Hey. (THUD!) Ah, hey! My head, please? You're fired. You're falling apart. What the hell was that last night? What are you talking about? Showing up at my place at three in the morning completely drunk? Plastered? What is that? Whoa, whoa. What...? I was at your place last night? Yes, and talking some scary mumbety-jumbety. I had nightmares after that, man. I had nightmares after that, man. What...what...what was I saying? I had nightmares after that, man. What...what...what was I saying? Oh, I don't know. Some wild mutterings about "Urrh, risky trade, Viking." Some... I don't know. The music of it was foul and sinister. Gave me the willies. Gave me the heebie-jeebies. Very dark, really. Very disturbing. I loaded you into a car service pretty quick. 40 bucks ` my treat. Leonard, I don't remember any of that. Leonard, I don't remember any of that. What? Uh...uh, how could you not re... You don't recall at one point barking out the name Diane Sawyer? "Diane Sawyer!" You don't remember that at all? Diane Sawyer from 'Good Morning America'? Yeah. By the way, she's always been quite comely, hasn't she? Creamy complexion. Mmm! I think she was a Miss, uh... something or rather. I went to Kassie's party and... and after that, uh... I guess I must've blacked out. Blacked out? Yeah-huh. Well, you threw up in my hallway like a college girl. You seriously don't remember any of it? No, zero. (VOICES APPROACH) Well, I'm telling you, you need help. (SPEAKS JAPANESE) It's so nice. It's so nice. (SPEAKS JAPANESE) Come on. Please. Well! (SPEAKS JAPANESE) (QUIETLY) Diane Sawyer. For murder, though it have no tongue Will speak with most miraculous...organ The play's the thing Wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king! Ugh! Do we have to see the second half? Oh, come on. It gets better. Do you promise? (LAUGHS) I'm not even making a joke. I mean, it's really unbelievable in there. I mean, what is this guy trying to prove, Kassie? Oh, please. I thought it was extremely powerful. Thank you. It's not powerful. It's like introducing a new character, you know? A very small, unsettling, uh, character that, um, you know, frankly... that, um, you know, frankly... I'm pregnant. ..that is gonna make the king much less inclined to hear this guy out. You know, he's not wearing any pants. It's unnecessary. You know? Did you hear what I just said? (BELL CHIMING) Yeah. She went on to tell me that she was moving back home to Minnesota. (WHISPERS) New York City's not a place to raise a child. Something about a better place to raise a kid and loving grandparents. It really ruined the second act for me, which is a bummer, because I have to say the naked guy ended up killing a bunch of people and the play got pretty good. Two weeks later, Kassie left. She got a little choked up as the moving trucks pulled away, probably sensing what a gigantic mistake she was making with her life. She bought me an Airedale terrier, who I loathe. I had to have my floors redone after one month. What do people see in dogs? They're worse than babies. We promised to stay in touch, but who are we kidding? She was a single mom and I lived in New York. There were Christmas cards and emails but not much else. (SLOW ROCK MUSIC) (DOG GRUMBLES) And after seven years, two failed relationships, one stock market crash and numerous blind dates, there I was ` right where Kassie left me. Yeah, when my friend told me you were still single, I couldn't believe it. Yep, well... Are you gonna try to take me off the market on the first date, Pauline? Yes. I am thinking a June wedding. Yeah. We'll move out to the suburbs, huh? OK. Um, New Jersey? Great. Easy commute. Course, I have to work a ton to afford that second house. Course, I have to work a ton to afford that second house. (LAUGHS) Although, that could end up just being an excuse. I might just be hiding from the... you know, the ever-growing tedium of New Jersey drudgery. Mmm! (GIGGLES) Which will then create some sort of resentment in you, but you seem like the kind of person that would internalise that, right? And...but, you know, you would act out in some sort of self-destructive manner later. That's me. And I'm the kind of person that would blame myself for that and probably end up scheduling even more work out of town to deal with the guilt. Of course, once I'm out of town, I'm stuck in a hotel. I gotta masturbate incessantly to the internet and you're probably back home with some...afternoon drinking problem and I'm gonna end up a pathetic 50-year-old bachelor wearing $300 jeans at a turnpike nightclub, speaking to women I should not be speaking to 'cause they're too young. Or it could all work out great. Absolutely unbelievable. What was I thinking? Just shut up and smile. No good ever comes from you talking. WOMAN: You have one unheard message. KASSIE: Hey, Wally! It's Kassie! Guess what ` we are moving back to New York. I got an amazing offer from ABC and I found a great school for Sebastian. He's already practising his accent. Now, call me. This is very exciting! OK, 'bye. Yeah, well, listen, I was thinking that after dinner, maybe we should go by that wine bar that we love to hate. You know, I think that cheesy old maitre d' that always hit on you, I think he's still alive. Oh, God! How old is he? 115 by now. (LAUGHS) Actually, Sebastian prefers only hard alcohol. Sebastian, huh? Not...not just gonna be you and me? What, you don't wanna see him? Come on! And you know what, you should actually get him something. Like a little gift. Nothing big. A small gift, nothing big, huh? OK, well, I'll get him, um... Well, how about I get him like a little basketball? Actually, you know, he's not that athletic. Well, then what should I get him? He collects picture frames. Picture frames? Yeah. Yeah, it's weird, I know. And he doesn't put pictures in them. Um, wow, that is very unusual, Kassie. Debbie's here. She says hi. Does she? She's helping me unpack. Oh. She made a dream...catcher. It's just that... I don't know. Let's just see. Let's... So, listen, um, I will see you tonight, OK? Oh, yeah, Wally, thank you for rejecting my friend request. Did you get that? You can tell Debbie that it was all part of my master plan to get her completely out of my life. Right. (WHISPERS) I cannot tell her that. Yeah, alright. OK. See you later. OK. Hi. I'm looking for a young lady that, uh... Oh, got her. Right there. Pardon me, miss. Wal! Hi. Ah! Mmm! You look great. Look at you! Who took over dressing you? Nobody. What are you talking about? Come on. I like it. How's Sebastian? Where is he? He's over there. But listen, if he's a little strange, it's just he's having some adjustment issues to the move, so... But he's watching the fish. I think he's gonna be just fine. MAN: Matthew, come on. It's time to go. (SIGHS DEEPLY) I think I have cyclothymic disorder. I looked right at the shark and felt nothing. Honey, I don't know what that is, but I'm sure you don't have it. Sweetie, this is Uncle Wally. Say hi. (MOROSELY) Hi. Hi, Sebastian. Cyclothymic disorder ` emotional ups and downs, hyperactivity, loss of interest and/or pleasure, lack of sexual drive. OK, was I not clear about WebMD? Sebastian, now, look, Wally has a gift for you. Let's see what he got you. Yes, I do. Take a look at this. It's so sweet, Wally. Very sweet. Oh, wow. It's a Lunt silver edition. Where's the picture? What picture? The one that comes with the frame. It's the most important part. What? This frame's used. (SIGHS) Say thank you. Thanks. You got it. Look at this. OK, guys, here's a big surprise. I called ahead on the phone. I pre-ordered this. Are you ready for the best duck in the whole wide world? Huh? I can't eat duck. What do you mean you can't eat duck? Wally, do you know what they do to ducks at the water fowl farms? Sweetie, I think that's...that's veal you're thinking of ` veal. No, I read about the ducks too. (SIGHS) They force-feed the ducks seven pounds of food a day through a plastic tube they drill into their throats. I...I called on the phone. I pre-ordered this. Ducks get this liver disease called hepatic lipidosis and they can't walk. Nature's in crisis and there's only one mammal to blame. What's going on here? What have you got? He's stubborn. Hey, guess what ` this cost me $84 and it's gonna be about the best culinary treat you've ever had. I won't do it, Uncle Wally, and I'll hate you if you do. OK, let's not... We don't say 'hate', sweetie. We don't say 'hate'. OK? We can have rice with soy sauce. Great! Rice with soy sauce. It's a great compromise. Uncle Wally loves rice. He likes you. You're kidding, right? No, that's like for him. It is. Hey, listen, will you do me a favour? Would you watch him for a couple hours this weekend? I don't think that... No, it is. Here, see, I have to go to a parent orientation thing at his school. It would really help me out. I also think it would be good for you guys to spend some time together. You know, a little get-to-know-me time. Hi. Excuse me. (SEBASTIAN MOANS) Hi. Can I get a soda on the rocks for myself? And, uh... (SEBASTIAN MOANS) Mmm, mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Sorry about that, Wally. Yeah, don't worry about it. I'll expense it, OK? (LAUGHS) And I'll just cut it up and put it in my cereal. It's better than bananas. Ooh! That sounds delicious. Its neck is sort of shaped like a banana, so it'll slice up nice. Honey, stay close. Isn't he great? Oh, my gosh. Thinks I'm a lesbian. What? I guess the only mothers he knows with seed guys for fathers are lesbians. Mom. Can I go in? No, sweetie. We gotta get home. He's so smart and wilful and he considers everything. It's just never boring. He went in. I know. He does that. What's a...what's a seed guy? Uh, that's part of his birth story. This should be good. That's the story I've been telling him about how he got here. Told him that "Mommy didn't have a husband, "but wanted you so very, very much that she couldn't wait another day. "And then so she went to the doctor "and the doctor said, 'If you go out into the world "'and you look very, very hard, "'you'll find a very special person, who, if you ask very nicely, "'will give you seeds.' "So then I can plant you in my tummy." "So then I can plant you in my tummy." Got it. But I...you know, I've read all the books about how you're supposed to talk about this stuff, and until it happens, nothing can prepare you for the day when your kid comes home crying after school because some lard-ass called him a science experiment. OK, I'm gonna go in. (PHONE BLEEPS) Who was that? A text. Text from Roland. (SIGHS) Who's Roland? The seed guy. The donor. You still talk to him? You still talk to him? Yeah. I called him when I got back. Why? What for? Why? What for? Well, there's a reason I didn't want the donor to be anonymous, you know? So that when Sebastian started asking questions, I would have answers. I'd like to get to know this guy, you know? Some day I think I'd like them to meet. What's Mrs Roland gonna think about all this? There isn't a Mrs Roland. They got a divorce. NZ's leading mobile network presents the magnificent new Samsung Galaxy S7, with superior water resistance, from $0 on a $129.99 Red+ 24-month plan. In store or online, only on Vodafone. 1 So I'm very sorry to hear about your divorce, by the way. Uh, thank you. Don't worry. It's, uh...I won't get into how the marriage ended. I don't want to bore you with the details of how she cheated on me. I don't want to bore you with the details of how she cheated on me. Oh. Just say it's gonna be a long time before I can trust anyone involved in the instruction of Pilates. We'll just leave it at that. Yeah, OK. Fair enough. (LAUGHS) So, listen, you're under no obligation to do anything. And I know that you didn't expect to do anything other than, you know, donating, uh, which you did so wonderfully, by the way. I don't mean that to sound like... Kass. I just meant for future, down the road, if he starts to ask questions... Kass. Mm-hm? I was honoured to receive your call. Really? I always wondered about this. You know, him and you and how it turned out. I mean, you know. Roland, would you like to see a picture of him? Roland, would you like to see a picture of him? I would love that. Good. Ready? Let me see. Oh! He's beautiful. Hmm. Isn't he? I gotta say, Kass... ..I see a lot more of me in him than you. (LAUGHS) What? Wow. Hey, I didn't get to say this to you back then, but I really respect you, your choice in doing this the way that you did. It took a lot of guts. It was courageous. And I simply don't see that out there. What? No, nothing. It's just... It's a really kind thing to say. Well, it's true. Well, this went...this went a lot better than I expected. And for me too. Yeah. Yes! (PENGUINS SQUAWK) I've always found penguins a bit of a mystery. I think puppets are a mystery. I'm having a birthday party. Oh, yeah? Well, you enjoy that. There's gonna come a time when you're not gonna want people to know it's your birthday. Why wouldn't anyone want people to know about their birthday? Why wouldn't anyone want people to know about their birthday? Because getting old sucks. Most people don't accomplish what they'd hoped to and they realise that they're most likely not going to. They end up living these quiet lives of denial and, you know, brushing birthdays under the rug just becomes a big part of that. Do you ever get scared that you could have Parkinson's disease? Not specifically Parkinson's, but I'm not gonna lie ` I've had my bouts with hypochondria. I've had my bouts with hypochondria. What's that? That's thinking that you have diseases that you don't really have. That's thinking that you have diseases that you don't really have. Oh, my God. I have that. WALLY: Do you want to tell me about your new school? Why? Because you're a kid. There's nothing else to talk about. Because you're a kid. There's nothing else to talk about. Well... I don't wanna talk about it. What's his name? Aaron O'Connor. Aaron O'Connor. How do you know? 'Cause I've been there. You went to P.S. 66? No, the proverbial there. You know you're gonna have to stand up to him sooner or later, right? You know you're gonna have to stand up to him sooner or later, right? I don't want to. Well, then he's probably gonna kick your ass. Are you alright with that? But he's bigger than me and he knows karate. Oh, he's a karate guy. Well, then just, uh... Tell you what, what you do is you act crazy. What? Yeah. Yeah, crazy, alright? No-one messes with the crazy guy. Just look at him like you don't give a f... ..'funion'. Like I don't give a funion? That's right. Like you don't give a funion. Like you don't care what happens to you, OK? Just like you're insane. Crazy people are wildcards. They're very unpredictable. You never know what they're gonna do next. It makes people very scared. It scares even Aaron O'Connor. OK? OK. He looks just like you. (LAUGHS) He's not my son. How old is he? Uh, I think he's five. Five, I think. Well...he's a little you. (GENTLE MUSIC) SEBASTIAN: My room, it's really cold. It's really cool. (MOTORBIKE ROARS) KASSIE: Hi! Come here! Hey! Hi! We went to the zoo and it was really fun. Really? Oh, my God, that sounds like so much fun. Ooh! Wally showed me the whole park. Wally showed me the whole park. Mmm! Would you grab my bag? Yep. OK, let's talk more about it. What else did you see? Alright, so, here's what we've got. If you go with the cowboys again, that means that in your dreams, you're gonna travel to the plains of Colorado and you're gonna herd cattle. But I don't want to kill any Indians. Well, you don't have to kill any Indians, honey. What about if I go with the astronauts? OK, if you go with the astronauts, that means you're gonna travel to the moon and you'll be driving on the moon in one of those really cool buggies that has a flag coming out of the back. I think I'll go with the astronauts. Good choice. Let's get you in bed. Oh, my Lord, to the moon we go. We have to decide who's gonna be sleeping with Sebastian tonight. Hmm. Duck or unfortunate chicken. Dead chicken. (GIGGLES) Dead chicken? Hee hee! Oh, poor dead chicken. (DOOR CLOSES) (WHISPERS) God, he's exhausted. What did you do to him? Did you finally get him to pass out? Did you finally get him to pass out? (LAUGHS) Yep, I did. What are you looking at? Looking at some really weird pictures for some reason you keep. Like this one. That was not a great choice. Are you kid... Fabulous choice. What do you... Not really. And how odd that you were the only one not in costume. It's so not like you. If I had bunny ears like that, I would've worn them. Ah, you're... That was our second date. Right? Yes. I think you're right. And didn't you make us dance to C+C Music Factory this whole party? I think you did. I do believe I did make us do that. Yeah. They were, like, your favourite band back then. You were, like, a C+C superfan. That's right. I was. And...you kissed me at this party, I think. (SNORTS) I didn't k... I was in character. I was a Playboy bunny. Please! It was a big kiss. Do you remember that you...that you disappeared on me that night? You were supposed to take me home. (SNORTS) Me, heading for the hills when things get a little too intense? It doesn't sound like me. (CHUCKLES) Wasn't this the trip I was supposed to go on that I didn't go on? Wasn't it your third, um... (GENTLE MUSIC) Mom? I think I wanna herd cattle. I gotta... I'm gonna... I gotta go get into my PJs too. OK. I'll call you in the morning. (DIANE SAWYER SPEAKS SOFTLY ON TV) ..and most inventive are video open houses right now... (VOICE FADES) Hello. Yeah, hey, Leonard. Wally here. Listen, I'm, uh, freaking out a little bit. Um... Yeah. (LAUGHS) Yeah, no, you put it in my mouth. Hello? Hello? Yes, what was it? Are you eating? You want me to call back? No, no, I'm fine. Tell me what you're freaking out about. Well, you know, I'm just... I...I think that, um...I...that... that...that somehow... Hi. OK, stay with me here. I've been hanging out with Sebastian a lot over the last couple of weeks and there's these similarities and...and...and coincidences that, I mean...I gotta run this stuff by Kassie. She's, uh... What's the matter? Here comes the crazy. Somehow... Yes? It's like this kid is mine. Like, he's more me than the Viking. The kid might be yours? Viking? I don't know why, vaguely, what you're saying... Hmm. Hmm. Ca...where are you now? Come over here, why don't you? Hang on, why wouldn't you tell me that before? Because... Don't get mad at me, because I... You never needed my help before this. I'm giving you everything I have. You know, this was seven years ago. You were so drunk and you were talking gibberish and I didn't know that...that trading Diane Sawyer to the Vikings meant anything to anybody. How...what does that mean? What does it mean? What...? I...? Roland is the Viking. The Viking is Roland. Don't you see what that means? Who is Roland? Kassie's donor is Roland. Roland's the Viking. He's the donor. I'm sorry if I didn't tell you that. Roland's the Viking. He's the donor. I'm sorry if I didn't tell you that. OK. Well, OK, so what you're saying is that, um, he's the donor and there was a trade made. Yep. OK. Uh, what kind of trade? For who...who? Oh, my God! Holy shit. I mean, you don't think that I could've...that I...that I... You're what? You're what? Help me out here. That I could have traded the Viking's...ingredient for my... Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Wow. How would that have even occurred? Was there... I'm trying to picture it. Was there access to, uh, his ingredients? I don't even know... Was there access? I mean, I don't know. I... Uh-oh. Ah, jeez. I'm getting a bad feeling about this. Yeah, I think that there was access. Really? It's starting to come back? Yeah, there was access. Oh, my God. I don't like the way this is going. Oh, my God. I got...I got... I think I got Sawyer in the bathroom, I think. Does... Kassie knows Diane Sawyer and invited her somehow? Oh, my God. I switched it. Ay! Ow! That's... My God. You switched? Really? I hijacked Kassie's pregnancy? Ow! That's...ill-advised. How do I...how do I not remember that? Well, because you were h-horribly drunk, you repress everything. You know, I've told you about hungry dogs in the cellar. You know, if you don't feed them, don't acknowledge them, at some point they're gonna get out somehow and do something unsavoury. Exhibit A. Oh, God! Am I a horrible person? No, no... Oh, Leonard! I gotta go tell her. Oh! Oh, no, no, no. Telling Kassie? Oh, that's... Ay! Well, yes, but that's so challenging, so delicate. It's the right thing to do, alright, Leonard? Yeah, maybe, but don't you want to talk to a lawyer first? Huh? No, no. No lawyer. I gotta go tell her. Ya... OK, but before you go, though, um... OK? If this is true, gee, what great news. Congratulations! You're...you're a father. Congratulations! You're...you're a father. That's not helpful. (KNOCK AT DOOR) (WATER RUNS) Hi, Wally. Hey, buddy. What are you doing awake? Insomnia. Where's your mom? In her bath. Mom! Wally's here! KASSIE: Uh... OK. Ha! WOMAN: You can use them anywhere. (SPEAKS ASIAN LANGUAGE) (CHANNEL SURFS RAPIDLY) Hey, what are you doing? Watching TV. You're not, actually. You're just incessantly switching those channels. No, I'm watching all the shows at once. Guess what. Hey. Hey! Listen, we're gonna have to do this better, OK, 'cause we're gonna be in each other's lives for a very long time. Why are we gonna be in each other's lives for a long time? Because, you know, I'm, uh...I'm your... I'm friends with your mother. Well, that doesn't mean you're friends with me. So give me the clicker. No. No! Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No, Sebastian. Yes. NO! Yes. Wally. Yes? What are you doing? I...I need to talk to you. OK. Outside. Outs...? I...I'll be right outside. (SWITCHES CHANNELS) 1 A-all the way outside? It's better. Just... Almost there. Um... So, uh, listen, I...I don't know how to say this, so I'm just gonna start. Um, you're the most important person in my life. Yeah? Um... It's difficult. It's... It's, like, the hardest thing I've ever had to say to anyone, OK, 'cause you know that I would do anything for you, Kassie. We've known each other for such a long time. The last thing I want to do is lose you, OK? But just...some things have to be said, you know, even if they're uncomfortable... Stop, Wally. I think I know what you're gonna say. I don't think you know what I'm gonna say. Wally...since I've been back, and...we have known each other for such a long time. Clearly, we missed each other. I would be lying if I said I didn't realise that there was a definite, you know, energy between us. I mean, sometimes... you know, sometimes I feel it too. 'Energy'? Yeah. I mean, that's what you're trying to tell me. That you have...feelings for me. Right? Not exactly, but... Oh, my... Oh, my God! What... (LAUGHS) I'm... You know what? I... OK, no. I-I'm just really... It's complicated, Wally. I'm, like...just work and I'm sort of in this Roland thing. So I'm not, you know... Huh? I... I'm sorry. (LAUGHS) What? I don't... You know what? Let's just...say goodnight. Let's goodnight it. And, um, again, I'm sorry and I just... You get it. You get...you get it. Ouch! (SIGHS) Great. Sebastian, please open the door. No! Roland thing? Oh, such a...not a good time. Not a good time. Sebastian? What Roland thing? (SIGHS) We've just been spending some time together. Is it...like, dating? I... Yeah, I guess. I...I... Has he met Sebastian? Shh! Does Sebastian know... No! I've set specific rules. Sebastian just doesn't like when I'm with anybody, so that's why he's doing this. Sebastian! (DOOR BUZZES) Where did Roland take you? A reading. Like a book reading? Would you please... What was the reading about? (KNOCKS) I don't know. It was about a kayak. A kayak? Sebastian! Isn't it a great day? Open this door right now. SEBASTIAN: Open it yourself. Oh! What? God, you both are driving me crazy. She's mad. She's got a boyfriend. A few dates don't make a boyfriend. (SIGHS) I'm six, by the way. What's that? You told the lady on the bus I was five. I'm not. I'm six. My birthday's soon. Are you still going to come to my party? Yes, Sebastian. I'm gonna be there. (CHILDREN YELL AND CHATTER) (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) Go climb that wall. Should be fun. Hey. Hi. Hi. How are you? Good. Um, c-can we talk about the other night? Uh, I haven't been able to sleep. The 'energy' thing... No, Wally, can we just please forget that...forget about that? But I definitely think it's worth talking about. Well... (ROPES WHIZ) Oh! Hi. Now, that's a party. (LAUGHS) Who says a small wall can't be invigorating? I don't know. I was just, uh... Wally, do you remember Roland? Baba ganoush. Baba ganoush? You had Baba ganoush all over your shirt ` Kassie's party a few years back. You were hysterical. (LAUGHS) Yeah. KASSIE: Huh! What a memory. Thank you. Where's Sebastian? I wanna give him this gift. He's right over there. Put it on. Seriously. Mm-mm. No. Hey, let me take that for you. Oh, that's OK. I got this. No, really. Come on. I'll put it with the other gifts. OK, you got it now. Great. Alright! Gifts ahoy. Roland's here. Yeah. And in charge of the gifts. So... And what have we got on today? What? It's a rock-climbing outfit. Is it? Yeah. Roland got it for me. Huh. It was... Listen! Come on, be nice. Pretty aerodynamic. Lot of wind up there? Can you... Never mind. ROLAND: Fantastic. OK. I don't wanna climb the wall. What? No. But I promise you, it's gonna be fun. I don't think so. Sebastian, the whole reason we're having your party here is to climb the wall. We don't want the wall to go to waste, now, do we? You feeling it? So where did Sebastian really want to throw his party? A kill shelter. A kill shelter? It's like a last-stop dog shelter before they...you know. Anyway, and he thought it would compel people to save dogs, but... Anyway, and he thought it would compel people to save dogs, but... Smart. But this is good for him. 'Cause it gets him active and athletic... SEBASTIAN: It's too high! No! What is he doing? Get me down! Sebastian, that's too high. Mom! He's up too high. Let go of the wall. The harness will hold you. KASSIE: Just do what he says and let go. What if it breaks? The most important thing is to have fun. Yes! I don't want to! Sebastian, you're gonna be OK, pal. Just count to three and let go. I'm scared! I got this. I'm coming, buddy. Alright. It's not Everest, chief. Relax. I got it, guys. Yeah. Get away from me! I gotcha. No! I'll take you down. Stop! I'm gonna help you. I got him! Let go of me, you big monkey! Let me go! (SCATTERED APPLAUSE) SEBASTIAN: Stop! Hold on, hold on. I hate that stupid wall. And this is the worst birthday party ever! Mommy, I don't wanna be here. Oh, baby, I'm... Are you OK? You're fine. You're OK. I'm sorry. It's OK. Alright. Come on, honey. Let's go... Let's wash you up. Boy, kind of an unfortunate one for you, but he'll be alright, you know? Boy, kind of an unfortunate one for you, but he'll be alright, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Hey, I don't know you very well. What do you say we get a drink after this? Uh... Um... Alright. Ah, it's just the most beautiful place on earth. Have you ever been to Michigan, Wally? Have you ever been to Michigan, Wally? I went to Detroit for a meeting. Oh! I'm talking about the Upper Peninsula. I've got a little cabin there on Neebish Island. Mmm. Been in the family for 30 years. I'm thinking of taking Kassie there. I know it's early, but I'm really feeling it. What do you think? Want another beer? No. No, no. Thank you. Sure? Um, yeah. And...and...and I do have to go. You know, hey, listen, I'm so happy, uh, that we did this. You know, hey, listen, I'm so happy, uh, that we did this. The kid hates me, Wally. No, no, no, no. No, I don't... I don't think Sebastian hates you. No, no, he does. He's told me a couple times. No, no, he does. He's told me a couple times. Oh, well, um... It's just... Oh, man, he's got some, uh... Rough edges? Yeah, that's it, yeah. I mean, he's, uh... He worries a lot. He questions everything. He's really... Neurotic. (LAUGHS) Yes, that's the word. So what's the problem? So what's the problem? Well, I don't really relate to that. Oh? Well... (SIGHS) Neurotic is simply an intense form of introspection, OK? So you're basically calling him introspective and being introspective is good, OK? You walk around with an opinion, with a point of view and some sort of nice kind of direction. Yeah! You've got it too. What are you talking about? Yeah, those rough edges. And don't get me wrong ` it's beautiful. And don't get me wrong ` it's beautiful. Thanks. Hey, what's not beautiful to you? You know? See? You did it again. That's it. You've got that...that focus. But that's how we're alike, Wally. We're both determined. Sebastian may be, uh, resistant to me now, but I'll get through. Life throws you curve balls, that's for sure, right? (LAUGHS) A few months ago, I was planning on having children with a woman who I'm pretty sure I'll never see again. A few months ago? Yeah. That's it, huh? And now I'm crazy about a woman who paid me for my sperm. How about that curve ball? Bam! Sebastian's gonna get through this. We're gonna lick this thing. He doesn't need to have this dark cloud hanging over his head. What do you think? You want another beer? Oh, I mean, the guy was... he just would not stop. He just kept going and talking and talking and, you know, he thinks that it's his kid, thinks that he's my best friend, wants me to give him advice on how to be a better father to my son. It's like a nightmare. He's emailing me, he's smiling at me. All the time he's hitting me with the big teeth. Wants me to go fly-fishing with him. Yeah, and I don't understand ` why are we here? I gotta exchange this frame. Sebastian wants one from the new line. It's a sterling silver 5x7. Oh, oh, I see. Well, that's so nice that you're taking an interest in his hobbies. But, um, I think the first order of business is for you to take care of this thing with Kassie. Why are we waiting? Leonard, please, I know that, alright? I've been trying to do that. But everything's all turned around now. But everything's all turned around now. Turned around? I...I'm turned around. That night, she said she thought we had 'energy'. Ooh, that's a new twist. Never heard that before. Yeah, it's very, very weird, though. Her mouth is saying that she's spending a lot of time with Roland but her eyes are screaming "Save me!" Ah! So go with that. Go with the eyes. But now, I think that I have feelings for her. Really? You think so? It's only been, uh, 13 years. Please, Leonard. I know. You've been saying that for a very long time. But now I'm finally saying it. Well, this is all good news. That's just, uh...you're in love with the mother of your child... That's just, uh...you're in love with the mother of your child... Meanwhile, she's falling for Roland. And I know that I could save all of this by just telling her the truth, but if I do that... I lose everything, right? but if I do that... I lose everything, right? And if you don't? Then I'll never be more than Uncle Wally. That's no good. Hi. Excuse me. Yes. This is old, this is new. I'd like this instead of this. Yes? OK. WALLY: Clearly, the assets in that fund were not... (PHONE RINGS) Hang on. I gotta take this. Sorry. Hold on. Hello. KASSIE: Wally? Hi. Oh, thank God you picked up. OK, I'm in Michigan and, um... Oh, at, uh, Camp Roland, huh? Uh, yes, Wally, I'm with Roland. He's got a cabin up here. Been in the family for 30 years. Yeah. It... Yeah, it has been. How do you know that? He told me. I didn't know that you guys spoke. Yeah, we're very, very close. Oh. Um, well... Oh, shoot. (COINS DROP, BUZZING) What was that buzzing noise? I have to feed the phone. They don't have cell service up there? Well, apparently not on this island. So, Wally, Sebastian wanted to go and spend the weekend with Liam and since he's been having some trouble making friends, I let him do it. But then Liam's mom called me and told me that Sebastian has lice. Lice?! Calm down, Wally. It's lice. I did not say leprosy, OK? Would you please not Wally this into a situation worse than it already is? Hang on, did you just use my name as a verb? Yeah. Yeah, I did. I do that. I do that sometimes. Listen, Wally, can you please, please help me out? I trust you and you're the only person currently in New York City that he can stand. I've been beating myself up about this entire thing. I have... I'm out the first flight tomorrow. There's no flights tonight, so I really... You know, I... OK, alright. Enough. What do you want? I take him to the emergency room? You don't take him to the emergency room, Wally. It's lice. OK. So, what, your place and just plant him in front of the TV? What do you want from me? Yeah! That would be great. That would be great. But then there's a couple more things you're gonna have to do before that. Do you, um...do you have a pen? Alright, don't go. I'll be right back. KASSIE: After you've picked up Sebastian, stop at Duane Reade. There's one on our corner. Buy a box of heavy-duty garbage bags, shower caps and the lice medicine ` the doctor already called in a prescription. Here we go. Aisle 10. Where is it? There we go. There's Tide. Where's the trash bags? Huh? Trash bags are right here. Yellow drawstring. Boom. When you get to my place, stuff all of his clothes in a trash bag while he gets in the tub. Arms up, arms up. There we go. And now I'll get you to sit down here and we'll take off your pants. OK, real good. There we go. And now let's get to the bathroom. Make sure he keeps the stuff on his head for only 10 minutes. And whatever you do, don't get it in his eyes. And while he's doing that, you can strip both beds of pillowcases, comforters and sheets. Alright, just gotta get these few little things in here, please. And let me get this... and I'll see you in a minute, OK? And then bag up all of the throw pillows and stuffed animals. Make sure those bags are shut airtight so those lice will suffocate. And throw everything in the wash at the hottest temperature. Pass me the detergent, please. Boy, this is just not enough steps. Can we add some more steps? Please just let me shave his head and be done with it. Wally... OK, OK. But whatever you do, Wally, try not to make a big deal out of it. And make sure to follow the instructions and wash his hair. Everything OK? You alright? You doing OK? OK. Oh, and just one more thing, and it's sort of the worst part. There's this little comb... WALLY: Oh! God, this cannot be happening. What? No, no, no. Just keep looking that way, pal. Nothing. Nothing's going on. Everything's good. (MOANS) (MOANS) Are they everywhere? Are they climbing all over my head? Huh? No. They're fine. They're absolute... You're fine. Everything's OK. Are you gonna throw up? No, I'm not gonna throw up. I'm busy killing lice. Did you find some? I think so. I got 'em. Alright. Hot out of the dryer. I think we are now officially de-liced. Or loused. Right? De-loused? Whatever it is, we're down to DEFCON 1. Or is it 5? Can never figure out which way that goes. Alright. Goodnight. Sweet dreams, OK? This is your collection, right? Huh? Why don't you want to use any of these frames? Why does everyone ask me that? Because, you know, people like to put their own pictures inside their frames. But...they already have pictures in them. Yeah, that's true, but you don't know any of these people. Yeah, that's true, but you don't know any of these people. Sure I do. See, like these people. This is the Owen family. That's Mr and Mrs Owen and those are their two kids. He studies volcanoes. And Mrs Owen used to work for a place that sells heart medicines for pets. Mm-hm. Well, it's funny, 'cause Mr and Mrs Owen look like they're great stock-photography models to me. they're great stock-photography models to me. (YAWNS) That's my grandfather. Which one? Right here? Yeah. This guy? He's my father's dad. He owns a boat. He takes it out every day to go fishing for sharks and he knows a lot. (YAWNS) Did you know that sharks don't have bones? No, but I do now. That's my Uncle Rick. He's my father's younger brother. This guy here? Yeah. (YAWNS) He got me an iPod for my birthday but I think he stole it from somebody, because it already had music on it. What's your dad's family like? I don't know. I never met them. Why not? My father left when I was... when I was pretty young. You can keep it. Sweet dreams. (RAPID WHISKING) See, now, I think you put too much flour in that, right? What you got there is like a... it's more like a paste, right? We could, like, spackle these walls with that. I think you need to put a little bit more water in that. Right? OK. Let's think of something else for the pancakes. What about, um...chocolate chips? (DOOR CLOSES) Your mom got any of those or...? What about peanut butter? Maybe. Or cheese. Let's go the other way with it, right? Let's make it a bit more of a lunch pancake, right? Why not? You like cheese? Let's put lice in the batter. What is so funny to you about the concept of eating your lice? I don't know. It's just funny. Are you looking for texture? If we burn them, you get a crunch that way. Keep your lice out of it. Hi! Hey. Hello! Mommy, I want to show you the dead lice. Oh, come here. Let me see that. Come here! You're home! What do you have in that jar? Lice? Lice. Are you kidding me? We hunted them and killed them all. Oh, let me see. I'm so sorry I wasn't here. Is it all out? Yeah. Oh! OK. Ooh, I love you. Me too. I'm gonna take the dead lice to watch TV. That's a cute look. Oh, this is, um... I was starting to feel itchy, so I used a little bit of the shampoo. (LAUGHS) You don't have lice. Uh, I could. I could actually have lice. You don't have lice. And I really thank you. I appreciate you taking care of all this. Thanks for taking care of him. Yeah, you're welcome. How was that weekend? It was good. It was good. It's really beautiful. It's quiet, it's on the lake and... You know, his grandfather actually built the cabin from logs that they milled on the property. (MOCK SNORES) And, uh... So it's... And we're gonna go in, I think, like, two weeks. Take Sebastian. Really? That's... Wow. That's getting serious, huh? Yeah. We're actually, um, thinking about moving in together. (EXHALES) That's... I mean, you know, Kassie, I...I... That's a mistake. I think that this guy...is a mistake. No, don't. Don't...don't do this. Don't ruin this for me. Hang on. No. Kassie. Come on, he started the year married to someone else. Look, he's obviously going through some kind of crap and maybe he doesn't realise it but it looks like he might be using you and Sebastian to cushion the blow. You know that I actually thought for a brief second that you'd changed. But you haven't. I'm trying to move forward with my life and you are exactly the same. The truth is I'm actually happy. Are you? Yes. Roland is a really good guy, alright? He's sup... You know what? Just because you've never taken a risk in your entire life doesn't mean you have to rip apart mine. At least I'm trying to let somebody in. You should try it sometime. I mean, unless... ..unless you have something else that you would like to say to me. Wally? Really? Got nothing for me, huh? (DOOR OPENS) No. Ooh! Do I smell flapjacks? Hey, Wally, thanks for being on lice patrol, man. You gotta try some of this beer Grandma made. (GENTLE ACOUSTIC MUSIC) # Every day I wake up # And wonder why # I'm alone # When I know I'm a lovely guy # Birds come down from skies so blue # See all the beautiful things you do # Why can't I just get with you? # Every night I carry out my plan # Pray to God that one day I could be your man # Birds come down from skies so blue # See all the beautiful things you do # Why can't I just get with you? # (DOORBELL CHIMES) Sebastian, what's going on? What happened? I was at Ethan's birthday party and I did what you told me to. Aaron O'Connor was there. I stood up to him and acted crazy. (SIGHS) Look at your face. He punched me and then threw me into a puddle and then hit me again. (WHIMPERS) He didn't care that I was crazy. Shh. It's OK. It didn't work. I tried. Where was this? Where was the party? At the park. Which park? (SIGHS) East End. East End Park? That...that's, like, 20 blocks away from here. Um, I'm gonna call your mom to come and get you. Um, I'm gonna call your mom to come and get you. No. Wally, you have to take me home. Take me home, Wally. Sebastian, why did you come here? Because I thought you'd be proud of me. (DOOR BUZZES) Oh, my God! Honey, what happened to you? I got into a fight. Sweetie! Oh, my God! What...what... Why didn't Donna call me? What's... What...what... Why didn't Donna call me? What's... It's actually my fault. I told him to do something really stupid a while back and he listened to me, but he's fine. He came over to my place and... He...he came to you? Yeah, and... ROLAND: Did I hear the doorbell? Oh. What's going on? Oh, Roland's family's in town. We're just having a little brunch. Hey, Wally. Who beat the kid? Um, come on. Sweetie, come here. Oh, my God, you're covered in dirt. Come on, honey. Let's go get cleaned up. Ugh! We'll fix you up. (SIGHS HEAVILY) Let's go in the kitchen. Did somebody push you? Hey, Wally. Yeah. What happened? He got in a fight with another kid. Oh, that's awful. Yeah. You know, but it'll make him stronger. I took a few lumps when I was a kid. Mm-hm. Usually at the hands of my older brothers, who are here today. You gotta meet them. OK. Oh, wait! Hold on. Check it out. Right? Stick around. It's gonna get good. (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY) I'm sorry, Roland. (SCOFFS) For what? Doesn't feel that bad, huh? No. Hey. Hi. Not really? I'm OK. I really do need to talk to you. "Act crazy", Wally? Remind me to never ask you for advice when I'm being bullied. What do you want from me, Debbie? I'm an idiot, alright? Kassie, this cannot wait. Ugh. Debbie... I got it. It's alright. I will be right back. It's just talk. Thanks. What got into him? You want to try these peas? Alright, Wally, what is it? (SIGHS) I, uh... ROLAND: There she is! Hey, Kass, Wally, come on in. Yeah, come on in, take a seat. Uh... Listen. Hang on, one second. Kass! Come on in. You too, Wally. KASSIE: OK. Come on, take a seat. Hey, everybody, listen up. (TAPS GLASS) Hush, hush! (LAUGHS) Got a little something to say. Everybody! (TAPS GLASS) Alright. (CLEARS THROAT) (CAMERA CLICKS) A few months ago... (CLEARS THROAT) And I'm not gonna lie, I was... I was in a dark place. Mmm. Um... I was in a world of pain. (WALLY WHISPERS) Kassie. I really have to talk to you. My wife ` ex-wife... (WHISPERS) Stop! ..had left me for reasons that I don't need to... ..I don't need to get into now. Over here. Right now. It's gotta be now, trust me. This is real. One day... Cut it out! ..the heavens opened and the sweet voice of an angel is on my phone machine. (CHUCKLES) And I'm happy to say to you all that I love, that my life is whole again. Today, Sebastian scared the hell out of me. Wally, take a seat. I'm about to get to the good stuff. Roland, I'm sorry. You're a really good guy. I hate to do this to you. Hate to do what? Throw this curve ball. When Sebastian needed someone today, Kassie, he came to me. You know, he needed me. And...and...I need him. Alright, what are you talking about, Wally? I'm talking about something I haven't been able to say before, Kassie. I, uh... (SIGHS) I...I...I hijacked your pregnancy. I'm the...I'm the seed guy. (GUESTS WHISPER) What? I...I replaced, uh, Roland's offering with...with mine that night, your party. Um... Sebastian's...my son. I mean, it was a reckless and careless and terrible thing to do but, you know, I panicked, you know? I'm not...I'm not like you, you know? I... You're not afraid of anything. I'm afraid of everything. I can't even take risks. You know, you said it. But nothing scares you, Kassie, and I love that about you. I mean, you're gonna hate me the rest of your life and you're never gonna forgive me and I don't expect you to forgive me. I just...it breaks my heart, it kills me, because he's changed me. You've changed me. And, uh... I love you. (SIGHS) I couldn't say that before but I'm saying it right now. And I'm also saying I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. DEBBIE: Good we got that dirt off you, huh? WOMAN: Oh! Don't ever speak to us again. What did I miss? (DOOR CLOSES) Sorry about your proposal, Roland. His what? Oh, my God. I am proud of you. (DOORBELL RINGS) Wally. It's...it's 4am. I did it. I did the right thing, Leonard. Come on in. Faced my fear. I told her. That's good. Wally, that's real... that's real good. But I lost her. And Sebastian. You did the right thing. I'm proud of you, Wally. It sucks. It'll get better. I'm drinking...booze from a deli. (BIRDS CHIRP) You should go home, Wally. They are my home, Leonard. (CONTEMPLATIVE MUSIC) # Lately, I think you know it's true # That's it # It's all over I'm through # For a while # We can smile # For the people that we're passing # And even if they're asking # We can lie # Counting numbered days... # So I've thought about it. And, uh, you can't just disappear from Sebastian's life. So...I mean, he's your son. Of course, you can see him, but it's gonna be on my terms. How's he doing? He misses you. I miss him. A lot. How's he getting along with Roland? OK? Yeah. I, uh... I couldn't go through with that. What happened? What do you mean? I don't know. (LAUGHS MIRTHLESSLY) He's affectionate. Likes me to try new things. He doesn't turn into a psycho when he drinks. He doesn't moan when he eats. I turned him down because he's not you. (HOPEFUL MUSIC) Will you marry me? Probably. WALLY: Look at us. Running around. Always rushed. Always late. I guess that's why they call it the human race. But sometimes it slows down just enough for all the pieces to fall into place. Fate works its magic. (SPEAKS INAUDIBLY) And you're connected. Oh! Hi. Do you smell that? That's charcoal, lighter fluid and my burnt arm hair. Is that working for you at all? Oh! (BOTH MOAN) Shame with all these children around. I don't mind an audience. You don't? No. 'Cause I seem like 19. Oh, God, no. Honey, here ` ice-cream. Take this out there. But be careful ` one of these children has a milk allergy and I have no clue which one it is. It might be the little blond one. Can't we go with sorbet? No. You sure? No. (PLAYS INTRICATE JAZZ TUNE) (ALL SING) # Happy birthday to you # Happy birthday to you # Happy birthday, dear Sebastian # Happy birthday to you. # Whoo! Mwah! Yeah! Nice. How about that? Huh! Now, this year, Sebastian has decided to dedicate his birthday to Doug, and Doug is a... he's just a wonderful, uh, playful three-legged dog and, um, he's in need of a home. So... And? And, um, well, Doug is, uh... he's next in line at the kill shelter to be put down, so... Oh, that would be a horrible way to go. But not dead yet. Not dead yet. That's...so good. Very, very much alive. Positive thinking. Happy puppy. And... Yeah. Let's go ahead and blow out the candles, get some cake in our face. I'm not blowing out anything until someone takes Doug. Well, I'll take him. Debbie Epstein. Thank you! Debbie Epstein. I can handle him. It's only got three legs. It's... MAN: Alright! Surprising. (MOUTHS WORDS) Make a wish, baby. Come on. There you go. Really well done. One more. Right down. Yes! (ALL CHEER, PARTY FAVOUR BLOWS) Ooh! I love you, baby. Sweet cheeks! WALLY: Every once in a while, amid all the randomness... ..something unexpected happens and it pushes us all forward. And the truth is what I'm starting to think, what I'm starting to feel... ..is that maybe the human race... ..isn't a race at all.