(RECORD DROPS ONTO A TURNTABLE) (RECORDING CRACKLES) # Five Variants of Dives and Lazarus - Ralph Vaughan Williams (BIRDS TWITTER) (FACTORY NOISES/VOICES) (SPARKS HISS) (WHIRRING) Frederick Taylor. Freddie Taylor. Yes, sir. Welcome to Vigilant Life Assurance. I see that you grew up in Cemetery Junction. You went to Stonemead, one of the worst schools in the south of England. Mr Kendrick will see you now. They expect you to leave at 14 with no qualifications, and go directly to the scrapheap of life. This sound about right? I suppose so, sir. I know so, because I grew up in Cemetery Junction and I went to that school. I knew that. It's one of the reasons I wanted to work for you. Mike Ramsay is gonna be supervising you. You got anything to add, Mike? Thank you, sir. When you sell life assurance, you want the stench of death in their nostrils. You're talking to the husband, but you want the missus thinking, "Crumbs, chief, what's my life gonna be like when he pegs it?" Men work, women worry. That's what you rely on. Don't look at Mr Kendrick. He didn't hear it, and I didn't say it. Understand? Yes, sir. Lovely. Over to you, sir. You're a bit of an inspiration to me. I know that you got out of the old neighbourhood. I know that you've got a Rolls Royce parked outside in your own personal parking space. And I know that you own a mansion worth �40,000. �42,000. That's what I want, sir. I don't want to end up like my Dad. Coming home every day with grease on my hands and nothing to show for it. Good. (BELL) (CHILDREN'S VOICES) (CHILD BANGS THE FENCE) (VAUGHAN WILLIAMS PLAYS ON THE TURNTABLE) Hello. Hi. I'm Freddie Taylor. Hello. Hello. I'm Freddie Taylor. Mr F Taylor from the Vigilant Life Assurance Company. Good day to you. Can I come in? Thanks. What? This? Yeah, yeah, it's real leather. I've just got some very important documents in here. Can I sit down? Thanks. Ah, I love your curtains. Hold him. Oh my God! I'm not breathing! Shh. (PASSES WIND) Oh! (LAUGHTER) That is disgusting. We're not allowed to fart on him any more, now he doesn't work in a factory. What are you listening to? Vaughan Williams. You've had that suit five minutes, and you've turned into a poof. I'm a poof for listening to classical music? That is a test of queerness. That is the test. I'm trying to better myself. I'm trying to educate myself. Get that off. That's real leather. Ooh, wow! Freddie, stop listening to music made by poofs. Stick on some Elton John. # Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting - Elton John # It's getting late have you seen my mates # Ma tell me when the boys get here # It's 7 o'clock and I wanna rock wanna get a belly full of beer # My old man's drunker than a barrel full of monkeys... # Evening, lads. How are you? How's your dad, alright? Yeah, he's alright. Caught him at home, watching Noddy. It's another big night. Why has Noddy got a hat with a bell on it? Go on. Cos he's a cunt. (LAUGHTER) # Don't give us none of your aggravation # We had it with your discipline # Saturday night's alright for fighting # Get a little action in. # Get about as oiled as a diesel train...# Have you seen Snork's tattoo? No. You'll love this. Snork, show him your tattoo. And I must point out you designed it yourself. Yep, drew it myself. Had it done on Elgar Road. Cost him two weeks' wages. Bloody hell. Alright, alright, you queers. What the fuck is that? It's a beautiful lady vampire looking out of a window. I'm Bruce. That's Freddie. That's Snork. No, it's not. It's Paul. Why Snork? He thought those glasses made him look like Elton John. First thing I thought was he looked like Snork from the Banana Splits. Remember the fat one with the glasses and the trunk? Trunk, sure. Call me Snork, cos I got a nose for muff. Every time. EVERY time. # ..Whose best friend floats in the bottom of a glass # Don't give us none of your aggravation # We had it with your discipline # Saturday night's alright for fighting # Get a little action in. # Turn round. Jesus, there's a back to it as well. Who's that out on the street? It's me. You're naked too? I'm gonna go and give her one. Why have you given yourself such a big knob? I've got a hard on. Why've you got a hard on? Ain't you seen her boobs? They're hanging out the window. Just a minute. You're naked, but are you wearing socks? I'm in the street. Don't want my feet getting cold. That's a good point, actually. Don't criticise. I'm getting off with a vampire. What have you two ever done? (BOTH) Real women. Vampire, though. What's your name? Who are you? I'm Paul. Actually, we call him Snork. They call me that cos I got a nose for muff. Why are you talking to my wife? Sorry, I didn't realise. Mate, he didn't realise. Why are you getting involved? I'm not. (GROANS) What are you doing? Now look what you've done. Yeah, pushed over a little retard. Yeah, but he's my little retard. (SMASHING GLASS) (GRUNTING/GROANING) (CRASHING/GROANING) (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) (CELL DOOR CLOSES) (KEYS TURN IN THE LOCK) (CELL DOOR OPENS) Wakey, wakey! Rise and shine. Out you come, you lucky, lucky boys. Come on, off you go. They're not going anywhere. They've been involved in disorderly conduct and a major disturbance of the peace. Let them out, you little ponce, or I'll disturb your bloody peace, OK? What does that mean? No idea. OK, off you go. Can I help you? You can start by brushing your teeth. What have you been doing? Sucking the toilet mat? Leave it out, will you? Come on. Off you go. Snorky. Freddie. Send your mam my love. Yeah, alright. Your dad still around? Yeah. Shame. That's a shame, that. (INDISTINCT CHATTER/LAUGHTER) # Amazona - Roxy Music # Amazona # Is a zone where # There is no doubt # No more fall-out # Why don't you step through the mirror and see? # From Arizona # To Eldorado...# (TV) People are queuing for good. They are Ethiopian peasants who used to own houses, land... (BURPS) Elton John's looking for a wife. (TV) Now they possess nothing but the tattered clothes that hang from their frail shoulders. He's a lying little sod. He's been eating. He's got a pot belly and everything. So eat the flies, if you're hungry, mate. Fussy little bleeder. No, no. That's enough of that. I'm joking. No, I'm not having that on while we're eating. It's revolting. Switch it off. I'm not getting up. Don't look at it. Here he is. Where were you last night? Dirty stop-out. I stayed at a mate's place. Oh, yeah? What mate? Don't worry. He's a policeman. Right. So he'd have kept you out of trouble, would he? Yes. We were very secure. (TV) In the afternoon, one piece of bread. They're pretty when they're babies, aren't they? The blacks. I saw one in the hospital when I was having Len. Yeah, to be honest, I think the little half-castes are prettiest. When they're little, they are, yeah. I feel sorry for them more than the poor ones, really. Cos they're not one thing nor the other. The blacks don't like 'em, cos they got a bit of white, and the whites don't like them, cos they got a bit of black. Sad, really. It is sad. You lot don't half talk some bollocks. Language in front of your nan. Told you before. He's got too much of what the cat licks its arse with. What does that mean? You got too much lip. Cats don't lick their arses with their lips. It's their tongue. Cats haven't even got lips. Stop answering back. You know what she's talking about. I've told you a hundred times. I know why you do it now. Cos he wears a suit to work, he thinks he's better than his Dad. It don't mean nothing. One day he'll come down to earth with a bump and realise he's just like the rest of us. You listen to your father. You'll never amount to anything. Exactly. Cos he never amounted to anything. And... what do you mean, I never amounted to anything? You know what I mean. No, I don't know what you mean. I've got two jobs. Two jobs? Working in a factory all week. Yeah. Window cleaning at the weekend. What life is that? The window cleaning's my own business. Window cleaning's not a proper business. How do you make that out? Cleaning windows? It's almost like begging. It's not a proper job. (GASPS) It's not in the bible. It's pathetic. Go to your room. What for? Talking back to your elders. Elders? What is this? The Navajo village? Also, if I'm telling him off about swearing why are you saying cats' arseholes? Bollocks is worse than arseholes. Course it's not. Arseholes are worse than any bollock. What'd you rather think of when you eat chicken? A pair of bollocks or a cat's arsehole? Len! I don't want bollocks or arses in my head, thank you very much. Don't say it, then. You're a lodger here. That's enough. I pay my pension every week. It doesn't cover your cheese and crackers and omelette every day. No wonder you're constipated. You're egg-bound. (BARKING DOG) (KNOCKS) (THUNDEROUS FACTORY NOISES) (FREDDIE) "What am I selling?" "I am selling security." "A great advantage of a new life assurance policy, "to the man with money to put aside is that it's the only means of saving which instantly creates "an estate for his dependants... ".. in the event of his death." Do you have any questions so far? No. OK. "Life assurance helps to counter-act inflationary tendencies "and contributes..." Could I stop you there? This is all fascinating, but we're really not interested. Right, if you let me finish what you'd see is that for a few pence a week... We can't afford a few pence a week. We're saving for a holiday. Where are you going? Spain. I've heard that's lovely. The neighbours went. They had a wonderful time over there. They brought that donkey for us. Ah, that's a lovely donkey. It's nice, isn't it, Mike? That's what we're working towards. We really want the holiday. We'd rather have the memories. Fair enough. Thanks again. Excuse me. I just need to speak to my colleague for a moment. Mate, what are you doing? They don't want a policy. Course they don't. You've gotta make them think they do. What about their holiday? Fuck the holiday. Right. Fuck the holiday. Did you fight in the war, sir? Yes, Egypt. I'd like to thank you for that, sir. I'd like to thank the good Lord that you came back safe and sound. But, pardon me for asking this, what's the point of fighting and surviving, coming back to your wife and building this lovely home for her, donkey, if you're not gonna see the job through. What do you mean? If you don't put this money aside now and you die suddenly, your wage packet dies with you, but your wife will go on living. How's she gonna cope? Is this government gonna look after her? They can't keep the lights on. They can't keep the streets clean. They will do nothing and she'll be on her own. I've sat with so many widows who used to be... .. full of life. Their husbands died, and within a month they were a bag of bones. They can't afford to buy food or clothes, they can't afford to buy soap. Soap. They can't afford to keep themselves clean, and they beg me. They say, "Tell every wife you meet what I now know." Which is that old age is a living hell if you are old and poor. If that happens to your wife, sir, because you didn't make provision, then it begs the question, what the hell did we fight a war for? (BREATHES IN AND OUT THEATRICALLY) Mrs Waring, is a two-week holiday worth 20 years of misery? Could I just speak to my wife a moment, please? Yes, of course. That was amazing. Let them smell the wreath. How long have you been doing this? Started four years ago. Top seller within three months. Been to three winners' balls. Winners' balls? They have winners' balls for the best salesmen. Fantastic. Free food. All the booze you can drink. And birds on tap. You get yourself a pair of lemons like these once a week, and you'll be down there too. Actually, we would like to... (CLICKS HIS PEN) Of course. There's a couple of things you'll need to sign. (CAMERA CLICKS) (CAMERA CLICKS) Freddie Taylor. Julie. You didn't recognise me. Yeah. You said you'd write to me every day. I haven't heard from you in ten years. A lot's happened since I was 12. I've been busy. Really? What's been happening? Well, my voice broke. I worked in a factory. And I just bumped into you now. That's about it. What about you? Nothing much. I made you cry when I moved away. Forced to learn Latin for no reason. Nice. Got my camera. And I got engaged. Oh. You jealous? Yeah, yeah, I've always wanted a camera. (LAUGHS) So do you work for this lot? Yeah, just started. District Agent. You? No. I'm just meeting my Dad. He works here. Who's your Dad? He's the District Manager. Julie Kendrick? Of course! Why aren't we still going out? That would've been great for my career. Since when did you have a career? Since I bought this tie. And it is a lovely tie. (MIKE) Watcha. How goes it? Mike, this is... .. Julie. You met the missus? Yeah, we know each other. We used to. Lovely. Need a word. Dad know you're here? Yeah. OK, see you later. See you later. It was good to see you. Yeah, absolutely. Lovely to see you. I didn't know you were... Banging the boss's daughter? It all helps. Morning, Jenny. Morning. 1 TENSE MUSIC (SIGHS) BEEPING, INDISTINCT SPEECH LOUD CLANGING CLATTERING CAR ALARM CHIRPS TENSE MUSIC (LATHES/METAL-WORK MACHINES) (BELL) (PUNCHES THE MACHINE OFF) See you tomorrow. (SWITCHES TV ON) Alright? (CHANGES CHANNEL) (KNOCKING) (FREDDIE) Hello? In here. Hello, Mr Pearson. Alright? Hello, Freddie. Nice to see you. How are your mum and dad? Still together. Yeah, good, thanks. And what about your new job? Yeah, it's alright. Good for you, Freddie. Good. Told him about your new job, Dad? Sitting on your arse all day, watching telly. (LAUGHS) It's me old back. Still bad, is it? Have another beer. Ooh! Cheers, I will. Yeah, I know you will, useless twat. You shouldn't talk to your dad like that. He's lucky. I don't usually talk to him at all. He's your dad, though. So he's fuck all to do with you. See you later, Mr Pearson. (DOOR SLAMS) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Hello, Brian. Hello, boys. Alright? I'm alright, how are you? Yeah... Snorky? Hello. What do you want? Bacon sandwiches. I want two. Two for my friend on a diet. (SNORTS) On a diet. Hi. Hello. I like your hat. Oh, cheers. Stop chatting and serve the customers. Look at Charlie Willis over there. He ain't got all day. Charlie, you haven't got all day, have you? Don't you die in here. I'll stick you in the deep-fat fryer. Serve your old knob as a battered sausage and your bollocks as a couple of pickled onions! (LAUGHTER) I'm just joking. Alright, Charlie. She likes you. What? She likes you. She told me she did. Want me to put a word in? Nah. Come on, Snork. She's nice. I can do better than that. Doesn't wanna lower his standards. I do not, actually. Man with integrity. You don't wanna lower your standards. But you got to. Cos I was like you. I didn't wanna lower my standards. But I got tired of getting no muff at all. I was going blind with the levels of masturbation, so I lowered my standards, and now ooh-ooh-ooh. I didn't get laid till I was 28, and now I've slept with two women. Have you? Yeah, went all the way with one. I'll do anything that's going. Do you know anything that's going? I wouldn't pay for it. I have been with a prostitute once, but I didn't pay for it. I did a runner. She couldn't chase me. Nah, I think she had gout! (LAUGHS) (What's gout?) I just told him that you fancied him. Ooh. Don't worry. He doesn't fancy you. Doesn't wanna lower his standards. I didn't say that. Bloody hell, Brian, I didn't say that. I'm not getting into anything serious at the moment. He's not getting into anything. Full stop. That's not true. I get loads of fanny. Not in here, you don't. I'll go wait outside. See ya, Snorky. A bit of pork and stork. Louise, ignore them, OK? They're morons. On your way. (INDISTINCT CHATTER) How much do you reckon one of these places cost? Cheap, probably. It's all spit and sawdust, innit? This new job, if I work hard, I could afford a deposit on one of these. Probably have it paid for in 25 years, then I'd be living there rent-free for the rest of my life. (LAUGHS) Freddie, look. (LAUGHS) Yeah, great. What's wrong with you? Aren't we a bit too old to be doing this? Freddie, it's what we do. It's what we've always done. Yeah, but I've got a good job and I don't wanna lose it cos I got caught drawing a pair of tits. Draw a cock, then. It's not what I draw! He can't do the cocks. I always does the cocks. You do the cocks, you do the tits, I'll do something with my life. What is wrong with you? It's someone's property. (LAUGHS) What do I care? I'm leaving anyway. You've been saying that every day since we were 15. You're in the same house you were born in. The same room, I think. Same sheets. Oy. Don't join in. Freddie, come on. Oh, great. Put that down. Morning, Officer. Morning. How are we? Is that your handiwork? I can't take all the credit. I did do the breasts, but he likes to do the cocks. (GIGGLES) Is that funny? A married man with two children, who are watching him suck an over-sized penis? (SNORTING) How is that funny? (GROANS) Calm down. Shut up! Wash it off. What with? That's enough! Come on, then. Fuck me. I've told you about your breath. Brush your teeth, brush your teeth. Come on. Get him up! See you later, boys. Can I drive? (CELL DOOR SHUTS) (ECHOES SHUT) Hello, my name's Freddie Taylor from Vigilant Life Assurance. (DOOR SLAMS) Hello, my name's Freddie Taylor from... (LADY GROANS/SHUTS THE DOOR) .. Vigilant Life Assurance company. Come on, Brian. It's a few pence a week. Does it look like I'm made of money? What if you get married? I will get married, but I wanna park this in a few more garages first. If you die, what'll your wife do? I'll tell you what she'll do. She'll bleed me dry when I'm alive and when I'm dead. Haven't even met her and she's winding me up. I'll leave some information for you. Dad. What? You stupid idiot. Buy a policy. No. Who'll pay for your funeral? I've got a few years yet. Not with all that fat round your heart, and I'm not paying for it. Like you'll still be around when I go. Bury me in the garden. I don't care. He buries everything in the garden. And old mangle, a cooker. Not paying the council to take rubbish. You better start digging a hole for him soon, cos I'm not doing it. You won't be alive when I die. You'll be there with the mangle. Remind me to do that next week. Dad, buy a policy or I'll be out of work on Monday. Good. You can help me dig your grandmother's grave. Please, I need a favour. You're my last resort. Any spare cash I have I spend on porn. You need insurance. Nah, I need porn. You need insurance. I need porn. Insurance! Porn! (RINGS THE BELL) Hello, are you Mrs Kendrick? I'm looking for Mike Ramsay. He told me to meet him here. Yes, come in. I'll let him know you're here. Thanks. (TICKING GRANDFATHER CLOCK) Art. Yep. You like art? I don't know much about it, sir. The bloke who painted that just died. Oh. That's bad news. No, it's good news. Probably gone up in value. So it's a good investment. Yeah. Bad news for his family, though. Yes, it's a downer for them, sure. How are you finding the job? Yeah, it's fun. I'm really enjoying it. Fun? I don't like the sound of that. It shouldn't be fun if you're working hard. I enjoy working hard, sir. You work hard, I'll probably see you at the Winners' Ball in a month. It's a great night out; a chance to let your hair down, although I see you already have. (LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY) Yeah. I'm gonna get this cut. Short back and sides. Something smart. Excellent. Super. Do you mind waiting? I'm just going over some stuff with Mike. Take a seat. Hi. (BARKING DOG/CHILDREN'S VOICES) (TV IN BACKGROUND) Dad, didn't tell me my blind date had arrived. Bit disappointing. Your back still bad, is it? (GROANS) Oh God, still bad. Doctors can't understand it. Can't do a day's work, but he can go to the pub and back. He says you had a go at one of his boys. I only brushed his teeth. He dropped the charges. I dropped the charges. (SIGHS) Sorry for the hassle, Wyn. Thought he'd have grown out of it. What's it to you? What have you done with your life? Yeah? What are you doing with yours? I'm out every night. Shagging, boozing, fighting. (LAUGHS) Fighting. Bloody hell. Fighting for what? You're punching blokes in pubs. You're hardly Henry the bloody V, are you? You think you're James Dean, rebel without a cause. You're not a rebel. There's nothing to rebel against. If you don't like it here, piss off. Nobody's stopping you. Go and ruin somebody else's town. I'm going. Don't worry. I'm leaving. He's been saying that since he was 15 years old. He's still here. I won't be here when I'm your age, Dad. You think you're cock of the walk, don't you? Your feathers are gonna drop out. Ten years time, you'll still be here. Going to the disco, drinking your ten pints. But by then you'll be a dirty old man and you'll be a drunk. Like him. I don't know how you stop yourself from smacking him, Mart. (LAUGHS) That I would like to see. I gotta go. I'll see you again, pal. Yeah, I'll see you, Wyn. Sorry. You take care. The way you talk to him... embarrassing. Embarrassing. Like father, like son. Can't solve everything by smacking people in the mouth. Don't start. You might have a family one day. You don't want a reputation. No. I want my son to respect me like I respect you. Don't worry about my family, Dad. I'll keep my family together. She left me, Bruce. It's not my fault, is it? Maybe if you'd smacked the bloke in the face, she'd still be here. Do you really think that? Do you really think that would have solved anything? If I'd gone round there and smacked him in the mouth, would that have made me feel better? Would have made me feel a hell of a lot better. You're a laughing stock, Dad. Waste of space. That really pissed me off, Dad. You didn't even try. You lay down like a doormat and let some stranger walk all over you. If someone tried to take my bird, I'd be a man about it. Go after him. Smash his fucking face in. At least, that way, if she didn't want me, she'd be visiting her new bloke in a graveyard. (GRANDFATHER CLOCK CHIMES) (SUCKS HIS CIGARETTE LOUDLY) (RADIO/WATER RUNS) My jewellery's in the safe. Just take it and don't hurt anyone. I was only gonna try it on. Where are your high heels? You always wanted to be taller. What were you doing in there? It's my own little dark room. Can develop my own pictures. Wow! Did you take these? No, they're from my cousin Marie. She sends me these wherever she is. That's her in Paris. Rome. Naples. Morocco. Egypt. What is she? On the run? No, well, sort of. She used to work in a cafe in town. One day she took off her apron, got on a train at the station and never came back. She keeps moving, doesn't plan it, just makes it up as she goes along. Is she married? No, why? Are you going to East Africa? No. She's gorgeous. Yeah, she was always the pretty one. No, she's not as pretty as you. You're taken, aren't you? So, do you wanna travel? Yeah, obviously, yeah. Where do you wanna go? I always wanted to go to Cornwall. Cornwall? (LAUGHS) Yeah. Well, Cornwall's a good start, but there are so many amazing places. Look how tiny England is. France is only five hours away. We could leave now and by six we'd be in Paris, eating escargots. Yeah, sounds nice. As long as they don't try and sneak in any snails. They eat them there? Yeah, they do. They eat weird food, the French. No. French food's supposed to be the best in the world. Is it? Yeah. There's a woman here with her knockers out. God, they're all at it! It's my ambition. To take pictures like those. What? Porno? That's National Geographic. I wanna travel the world, see other cultures, have my photos in a magazine like that. Good luck with that. What's wrong with that? People from round here don't do stuff like that. What about Marie? Someone's got to take these pictures. Why not me? Dunno. It's just not how it works, is it? What do you wanna do? Work. Get married. The usual. Is that really what you wanna do? Just get married and die and at the funeral, all they say about you is, "He supported Reading Football Club and he liked pickled onions"? Dunno. See, I'm not like you. I never wanted to buy a house and marry the first boy that came along. Who? Me? You were 12. You have to move on! What are you doing in my fiancee's bedroom? Nothing, swear to God. Trying to steal my bird? God no! Calm down, mate. I'm only kidding. (EXHALES LOUDLY) See you later, sweetheart. Give me a kiss. Right, let's hit the bricks, mate. Ooh, Freddie. Take this. Some more travel ideas once you've been to Cornwall. Or you could look at the tits. Thanks. See you. Jacket... (STIRS THE TEA) (GRANDFATHER CLOCK TICKS LOUDLY) Tea, dear. # Crazy Horses - Osmond Brothers # There's a message talking in the air # Crazy horses riding everywhere # It's a warning message every town gotta... (KNOCKS) Oh no, not now. I've already had a warning. I'll get fired. Piss off. (TANNOY ANNOUNCEMENT) Platform 2... Cock, willy. Will passengers for Swindon... Cock, willy. Testicles. Gonads. That last message was spurious. Will passengers for Swindon please go to Platform 2. What are you doing? Come and have a beer. I've got a job. I'm not drinking during the day any more. I'm taking a leaf out of Freddie's book. I'm gonna make something of my life. If I play my cards right, I could be station manager here one day. Charlie can't have long. He nearly swallowed his whistle yesterday. How did that happen?! He was getting agitated cos the train was late, and the driver was talking. And he blew really hard and his teeth came out. And he tried to put them back in really quickly, sucked them in, hoping no one would notice, and his whistle went down his throat. And he started coughing, then his teeth flew out, and went on the floor. No one wanted to help him or pick them up. So he had to bend over, and then his back went. It was awful. Anyway, that could be me one day, so think on while you're drinking and shagging birds and wasting your life. Now, go on. Piss off. I've got stuff to do. See you later. See you later. (GROANS) Will passengers for Swindon please report to Platform 1, where their train's about to arrive. And will the gentleman in the bowler hat please be made aware you are a massive queer. It's done. It's done. It's not done. Out the way. Come on, Freddie. See you later. I'll come and see you later. Leave my tie alone. Sorry to the gentleman in the bowler hat. We don't know whether you're a queer or not, but... Oh. # Crazy horses # Crazy horses # Crazy horses. # You know there's a band. Oh, brilliant. Look, free booze! Free birds. Gonna get messy. # Crazy horses all got riders and they're you and me. # Fuck me. Hello, Mr Kendrick. I wonder if I could introduce my friends. This is Bruce, and this is Paul. We call him Snork. Cos I've got a nose for... Not now. Nice to meet you. Where's all the fit birds? We was told there'd be fit birds here. Freddie's from our neck of the woods. Cemetery Junction. Still a dump? I still live there, mate. I don't think you mean it's a dump. Yes, I do. You should think about a job with us if you don't want to end up on a building site or in a factory. What's wrong with working in a factory? It's a good, honest job. There's nothing wrong with... It's better to bring home a wage with clean hands. You don't want to live in Cemetery Junction forever. I think you're remembering it worse than it was. No, I remember it exactly as it was. I appreciate you making the Vigilant your home, son. Enjoy the night. What are you doing? He's my boss. He's a prick. You hate where we live. Why argue with him? Because he's a prick. Ain't invited no decent birds, the prick. Never be ashamed of my success. No, I'm not ashamed. I was just worried you sounded... You sounded like you were apologising for my success. If you're embarrassed I've made something of myself and by the money I've made, then maybe on Monday you'd like to take back that dress and jewellery. (CLINKS HIS GLASS) It's that time in the evening you've all been waiting for. We have a couple of fellas in tonight who have just started. So welcome to them. This is their first time at the Winners' Ball. And, as you know, we always reward them with a little token that says, "Welcome to the Vigilant." You should find in front of you your very own business cards. Your own name on there. A big hand, please, for Gordon Dalymar, Chris Riggs, Tony Widdon and Freddie Taylor. (APPLAUSE) But this isn't just a celebration of new blood; it's a fond farewell to old blood as well. Jack Bentley. Come on, Jack. Stand up. This is Jack's, can you believe this, this is Jack's 20th invitation to the Winners' Ball. And I'm very sad to say this is the last time we'll see Jack here. We are finally putting him out to pasture! He is retiring, 65 years young! He's been working here for 42 years. Can you believe it? 43 years. Yeah, 42, 43 years, yeah. How old were you when you started? 23 years old. 23 years old. You started off door to door, didn't you? Yes. Yes. You did that for ten years, and the last 32 years he's been in the basement, in the auditing department. So, quite a life. And we have a little something to thank you for your years of service. Here it is. Oh, thank you. It's a fruit bowl. Thanks. Is that crystal? Cut glass. It's cut glass. (APPLAUSE) What Jack doesn't know is we had a whip round, and Paula went to Debenhams specially to get that. And the one we wanted to get you was out of stock so, lucky for you, she had to get you the one that was a lot more expensive. (APPLAUSE) Have a lie-in now, enjoy your retirement with your lovely wife... M-m-m... with your lovely wife. And don't be a stranger. Pop in occasionally so we don't forget you. OK, enough admin. Something less depressing now. I'm very glad to see you all here. We're all having a wonderful time. The Bendicks Chocolates are a treat. I think we can say the caterers did a fantastic job. We have a wonderful band. They'll be playing the hits. They may look a bit wild, but don't mind their appearance. Over to you, boys. Hi, everyone. We're Shark Gallery. (MUSIC PLAYS THROUGHOUT) # I'm coming home I've done my time # I've got to know what is and isn't mine...# How funny was that earlier? What? When the waiter came round with the soup and the bread. I said to him, "Is there any white bread left?" He said, "No, I think we've run out of white bread. That goes first." I said, yeah and he said, "We've got some brown." And I said, "I don't really like brown, but I'll have some anyway." So I'm sitting there, eating the brown bread, and then he came back and said, "There is some white bread left..." And so I had white and brown. That wasn't an anecdote. Look, mate, you've got to work out what's worth telling people and what's not. OK? You walk down the street and nothing happens. Keep it to yourself. But if you walk down the street and see you a tyrannosaurus rex raping a dodo, then you give me a call. Do you understand? I was just telling her... I know. It was funny in my head. It wasn't. Freddie, what's your game plan? Where do you see yourself in five years? I don't know yet, sir. That's a long way off. Work hard. Get married. Buy a place, the usual. What about you, Cliff? Where do you see yourself in five years? I'd like to make a sideways move into staff administration. Oh. And we all know what Mike's plan is. He's got his eye on my office. Already chosen the wallpaper. (LAUGHS) Martin? Fire and accident... You missed out Julie, sir. What? You didn't ask Julie. I know where she'll be in five years. She'll be at home, with my grandchildren. Really? Is that what you were thinking? I don't know. Not necessarily. Oh? I've had thoughts about doing some photography, maybe professionally. Oh really? But it's not set in stone. We'll have to go where the work takes me. We've talked about it. We're focusing on Mike's career now, and then we'll focus on mine. Are you? Oh. Bloody hell, Mike. You didn't tell me you were marrying a women's libber. Burn your bra, love? I need a light for my fag. (LAUGHTER) (CLEARS HIS THROAT) Hello, Dougie Boden. Assistant Agency Manager, Life Sales and my wife... Can I stop you there? Cos instead of talking to you, I'm gonna talk to the lady there with the lovely tits. A bit rude. If he wants to look at lovely tits, yours are perfectly... .. adequate. To cut a long story short, it's cos I got a nose for muff. # You saw me crying in the chapel. # The tears I shed were...# What's this about working on your career and then on Julie's? She's got some idea about being a photographer, apparently. And how would she do that when you have kids? Well, she wouldn't be able to, obviously. Right. I'm hoping by that time, she'll have forgotten about it. I think it's one of those silly phases that women go through. She can always do it as a hobby. Yeah. She can take pictures of the kids. (LAUGHS) Exactly. Patricia wanted to work. Did she? What did she want to do? Oh, God knows. She had some bee in her bonnet. I just want to make sure we're thinking along the same lines. Of course, I appreciate that. But trust me, I'm on top of it. Yeah, I know you are. I know you are. Mike, let's have a dance. Come on. No, you know I don't dance. If Dad dances, will you dance? Dad, dance with Mum. No, I don't dance. Come on, it'll be fun. I'm not gonna dance. We're talking here, love. Why don't you get me a whiskey? Whiskey, sir? Yeah. OK. Does your Gran still cut your hair? Don't knock her. She's cheap cos of the Parkinson's. Two whiskeys, please. Certainly. (SIGHS) Do you think this town might have missed out on the Swinging 60s? Yeah. What will we do if the world's having a party and we missed it again cos we're stuck here? There's an ancient Arab proverb... Whoa! There's an ancient Arab proverb?! You've changed. Listen, it's sweet. It says, "Throw your heart out in front of you and run ahead to catch it." That's lovely, but I don't know what it means. Yes, you do. "Throw your heart in front of you." Whatever your passions are, whatever you desire, imagine it's in front of you right now and just grab it. Hurry up, love. Parched. So Hargreaves. What about Hargreaves? He works with a couple of boys down the basement, and they've voiced concerns... (SONG ENDS/APPLAUSE) (MUSIC/CHATTER) Bet you come to a lot of these. It's all part of the job. Thank you. It's OK. Would you like to dance? I don't know if I should. Come on, it'd be fun. Look at this. Everyone's bored stupid. I asked him to play some Slade, but I doubt he will. I could do better than him. Huh? I could do better than him. Are you absolutely sure? Yeah. OK, five quid if you get up there. Nah, I ain't... Put your money where your mouth is. Five quid? Nah, they won't let me sing. They won't let me sing. We'll see about that. What are you doing? Hello, mate. Great set, by the way. The guys are really loving it. Cheers, mate. I'm with the Entertainments Committee, and we've got with us a little mentally handicapped kid. He's the guy over there. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he looks happy. He's not happy. He's got mental problems, he's got physical problems as well. He was born with too many organs, he's got both sets of genitals, penis and vagina. And another little dangly thing. Urgh. Yeah. He's a big fan of music. Really likes you, thinks you're fantastic. Right. Wants to sing a song with you. Slade or something. Oh. He was here earlier. I thought he was a bit... Yeah, he's a bit, yeah. OK, I'll see what I can do. Thank you so much. Really kind. He's not gonna go to the toilet up here? Cos it's dangerous with electrics. Thank you. Thank you. (APPLAUSE) Ladies and gentlemen, we have a special guest here tonight, a little chap who's going through a lot. Tonight we wanna make one of his wishes come true. Please welcome to the stage, Snork! (APPLAUSE) No, it's Paul. Paul Snork. No. (APPLAUSE) # Come On Feel The Noise - Slade # So you think I've got an evil mind # I'll tell you honey # I don't know why I just don't know why # So you think my singing's out of time # It makes me money # I don't know why # I just don't know why # Any more, oh no # So come on feel the noise # Girls grab the boys # We'll get wild wild wild # We'll get wild wild wild # Say I'm a scruffbag well it's no disgrace # I ain't in no hurry # And I don't know why # I just don't know why # Any more, oh no # So come on feel the noise # Girls grab your boys # We'll get wild wild wild # We'll get wild wild wild # We'll get wild. # (CHEERING/CLAPPING) Thanks, there's more if you want it. I'm an all-round entertainer. He's certainly round. Jokes! I've got some jokes. Why does Noddy wear a hat with a bell on it? No! Because he's a cunt. What are you doing? Sorry, I got carried away with the clapping and the cheering. What are you doing? Sorry, I got carried away with the clapping and the cheering. I thought they'd find it funny. They didn't, did they? It's not our fault if they haven't got a sense of humour. They have got a sense of humour. They like classy stuff, like Oscar Wilde and Shakespeare. Why do you care so much about what they think? Because I work with these people. My boss is there. I don't wanna end up in the factory. Like me. Yes, like you. I don't wanna be doing that for the rest of my life. You'd rather be doing this for the rest of your life? Dead from the neck up? Trotting along to these funerals to eat free food once a year? There's a ladder I can climb. In five years, I could have my own office. Your own office? Didn't know you get your own office. What are you gonna have? What are you gonna have? In 30 years, I could be driving home to my big house, in my Rolls Royce. That's why I care what they think. I wanna do something with my life. I'm doing something with my life. What? I'm leaving? What? Getting out of here. You keep going on about leaving and getting out. It's never gonna happen. You're not going anywhere. Why not? Cos you're scared to leave. I'm not scared. If you said you were coming with me, I'd be gone in a second. Yeah, but I'm not coming with you, am I? And as long as you stay here, you're a big fish in a small pond and you can blame everyone else for holding you back. But as soon as you leave and you're out in the real world, you'll have to face up to the fact that you're nobody. You're nothing special. You're like me, you're like them and you're like your dad. I'm not like my dad. Bruce, you are. I'm not like my fucking dad, Freddie. OK. And do you know what? You're never gonna fucking be like them. You'll never have a big car or a fancy house. No? No. Do you know why? Because you're a shit salesman and you're not smart enough. I'm a better salesman than you are. Snork can sell better than you. And even if you could sell you're never gonna be like them. Why not? Cos you're not a cunt. Too loud? Yeah. It's also the second time one of you has used that word tonight, so I think it's time you boys went. What was the first time? That was the reason Noddy had a bell on his hat. Of course. (GIGGLES) Now you've got an anecdote. (BUSY CHATTER) (TV) (DOOR SLAMS) Snorky! Oh dear, someone take a happy tablet. Why do they call you Snork? Because I've got a nose for... Cos I bought these glasses, and I thought they made me look like Elton John, but they make me look like Snork from the Banana Splits. Oh. (GIGGLES) He's my favourite. What's that? A book? Why are you reading a book? You don't learn nothing from books. Have you ever actually read a book, Nan? Ever been inside a library? I been in loads of libraries. When was the last time? Last Thursday. Your Dad took me. She needed a shit. Len. She did. It's not a book. It's National Geographic. That's got birds in the jungle with their tits hanging out. Put it away. It's disgusting. I do not want jungle tits at breakfast. Look how tiny England is. France is only five hours away. We could leave now and by 12.30 we could be in Paris. Why? Paris? Why Paris? There's parts of Reading you haven't seen. Food's awful as well in France. No, it's supposed to be the best in the world. You're joking. Horses, snails, frogs' legs. They'd eat bloody anything, the French. Only thing they won't put in their mouths is a toothbrush. Stink. Yeah, famous for it. Breathy French pigs. Africa looks beautiful. Africa. You know it's full of blacks. Yeah, that's where black people live. You say that, but I tell you what, you won't have to go there to see one. Cos they're all coming here. Lazy. Nicking our bleeding jobs. Are they lazy or are they nicking our jobs? You sound like a hippy, Freddie. Nothing like intellectual debate. Here you go again. You sound like one of them BBC queers. You're not a crafty butcher? Crafty butcher? Likes his meat delivered round the back. He's not. Are you? Oh shut up. Better not be. Not in this house. Has it never occurred to any of you there might be more to life than working, eating and watching telly? There's an ancient Arab proverb that says, "Throw your heart in front of you and run ahead to catch it." That was before they got the oil. There's no Arabs running round today. They aren't chasing anything. They're getting their butlers to do it with the money they've got. They reckon they're so rich... (KNOCKS) Hello, Mrs Wirren, alright? I just wanted to say that thanks to customers such as yourself, I passed my probation and I've got my own business cards now. Lovely. Well done. So if you need anything. Actually, I do need something. I'm really sorry to bother you. But I need to make a claim. What's that for? My husband. Oh yeah? What's he been up to? Dented the car again? He died. I'm so sorry. He was moving the aerial, and he slipped and he landed just there. He was dead instantly. He broke his neck. Wish we'd done that holiday now. (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC GETS LOUDER) (FACTORY MACHINERY DROWNS OUT MUSIC) When are we leaving? Bored? What are you doing? How did you get up here? I climbed up a vine. You climbed up a vine? What are you? Tarzan? I came to say goodbye. Your phone not working? I'm leaving. You inspired me. You and your ancient Arab proverb. What do you mean? First thing tomorrow. 9am. We're gone. That's exciting. Come out. It's our last night. Our leaving party. We're going to the Majestic. It's the best club in the world. It's like so... Majestic? (70s CLUB MUSIC) (EXCITED CHATTER) (MUSIC ERUPTS) Hi, Bruce. Come on, Snork. Come with us. There's no way I can go tomorrow. Why not? I got to help my Dad move a wardrobe. It's the rest of your life we're talking about. What if the world's having another party and we're missing it cos we're here? I don't wanna work for 40 years, die in my sleep and at the funeral all they say is, "He supported Reading Football Club and he liked pickled onions." When was the last time you went to a game? What? Who'll say that at your funeral? I'd say you went to the odd game now and again. It's not the point. Don't you want stories to tell? I've got stories. He's got a great one about bread. It's one for all and all for one. Like the Three Musketeers. Why tomorrow? Cos otherwise we'll talk ourselves out of it. Think of the birds. You ruin it every time you open your mouth. Foreign birds won't understand a word you're saying. You can rely on your looks. I'm not going anywhere where we need injections. (CHEERING/SHOUTING) (70s DISCO MUSIC THROUGHOUT) (CAMERA CLICKS) (CAMERA CLICKS) (CAMERA CLICKS) (CAMERA CLICKS) (CAMERA CLICKS) Do you reckon she could do it? I don't know. Oy, mate. What are you dancing with a monkey for? (MUSIC SLOWS DOWN) (MUSIC SPEEDS UP AGAIN) (GRUNTS FROM EFFORT) Come on. (GRUNTING CONTINUES) (AMBULANCE SIREN) Not my usual suite. Got a toothbrush I could borrow? You don't own a toothbrush, do you? (CELL DOOR ECHOES SHUT) (FOOTSTEPS) Thanks for an interesting night. Wish we'd done this more often. I shouldn't really be in dance halls with a strange man. Could have left Snork in the car. Have a good trip. When are you coming back? I dunno. Well, bye, then. Bye. We should develop those pictures. Definitely. Otherwise you won't... .. get to see them. (WATER RIPPLES IN DEVELOPING TANK) (It has to be perfect.) (What happens if you crease it?) (You end up in big trouble.) (Put it here.) Why are we whispering? Is it so we don't get caught in here? No. No. Why would you be scared of that? We're just two friends developing a film together. Did I tell you I was leaving tomorrow? Yeah. Good. Good. Just wanted to make sure. You don't seem too devastated by the news. What do you want me to say? How about, "Can I come?" (GIGGLES) I'm serious. Come with me. Freddie... Why can't you come? You know why. Come on, you don't wanna marry him. Freddie. You started all this. You made me wanna go. You told me not to waste my life. Why are you gonna waste yours? I think you should go. You can see it. Mike's just like your dad, and you'll end up just like your mum. She's had the life sucked out of her, and they're gonna suck it out of you. Get out. Julie. Get out. You can't come here, insult my mum and expect me to run away with you. No, she's a wonderful woman. That's my point. She's like a ghost in her own home. Your father doesn't say thank her when she gives him a cup of tea. What are you talking about? She puts a cup of tea in front of your dad; he doesn't say thank you. He doesn't even see her. When did he stop saying thank you? When did he stop noticing her? And Mike's just the same. He's just the same. You don't wanna spend your life with him. You haven't seen me in ten years. You don't know anything about me or Mike or my family. Who do you think you are?! OK, you're right. I'm sorry. You're right. But you have to come with me. Why? Cos I think I might be in love you. Oh, for God's sake. I have to come with you cos you think you might be in love with me? Get out. Hello, Freddie. Didn't hear you come in. Hello, Mrs Kendrick. No, erm... I just needed to talk to Julie about cameras, cos I'm going away and I'm gonna buy a camera. He just wanted my advice. Well, it's a bit late to be talking about cameras. It is. I'm sorry. You'd better get going. Goodbye. Good night, Freddie. Have a good trip. Where are you going? I'm not sure yet. We're just gonna make it up as we go along. (DOOR CLOSES) (LOUD TICKING) (GRAVELLY FOOTSTEPS) (TICKING CLOCK) (KNOCKING) Yeah? It's me. Can I come in for a moment? I'm tired. I'm gonna go to bed, Mum. It's just for a moment. Is everything OK? Everything's fine. It's a bit late for visitors. I'm sorry. Goodnight. Night. Oh. What? 1964. What about it? It was the last time your father said thank you for a cup of tea. (CLANKING KEYS) (CLANKING KEYS) Taxi's arrived. Can we stop at the chippie on the way home? I'm starving. (LAUGHS) How are you feeling? Alright? I'm fine. Good. Great. Fucking hell! Life's too short. Let's get it out of your system, shall we? What?! You wanna pick a fight with your dad, but he can't fight you. Piss off! Fight with me. I'm sick and tired of you. Your mum ran off. You're from a broken home. So what? Your dad should've clobbered you when he had the time. He couldn't clobber me. He's a doormat. At your age, he'd have beaten the shit out of you. Yeah, right. You can't fight him. Fight me. I'm not fighting you. Fight me. I'm not fighting you. No! Cos you're not a man. Me and your dad. We're men. We fought in a war, we did. You fight in the dance halls and grow your hair like a girl. Piss your life away. I don't give a shit. But listen. If you want to fight from now on, you come here and fight me. Fight me. What? Are you drunk? You listen to me. When I became a cop here, your old man was in here every other week. Yes, oh yes. He was a right handful. He was a right pain in the arse. He was always smacking some bloke or other. But he was still twice the man you are. If he was like me, he wouldn't have let his missus run off with a bloke. What would you have done? Smashed his fucking face in. You don't know anything. You're a child. On the night your mum ran off, I found your Dad in the high street, at three o'clock in the morning with a cricket bat in his hand. Oh, come on. And he told me I'd better lock him up for the night in here. Otherwise he wouldn't be responsible for his actions. Very noble. Chickened out... He didn't chicken out, you silly prick! He did it for you! If he had started on that bloke, he wouldn't have known where to stop. He'd have put him in hospital or killed him and then what? He's in the nick, you're down social services. I'd have been with my Mum. Your mother didn't want you! For Christ's sake, that's the truth of it. Your mother fucked off, she didn't want you, so what?! Your dad did. That's why he's spent the last 20 years putting up with your crap! And I'm putting up with your crap too. I'm too old for it. And so are you. Come on, boy. Grow up. Grow up! You can't go smacking people because they look at you in the wrong way. It's antisocial, you know? Do you understand me now? Bruce? Do you understand? I'm sorry. # All The Young Dudes - David Bowie # Billy rapped all night about his suicide # How he kick it in the head when he reached 25 # That speed jive don't wanna stay alive # When you're 25 # Wendy's stealing clothes from Marks and Sparks # And Freddie's got spots from ripping off stars from his face # Funky little boat race # Television man is crazy saying we're juvenile delinquent wrecks # Oh man I need a TV when I've got T-Rex # Hey mister you guessed # I'm a dude dad # All the young dudes (hey dudes) carry the news (where are you?) # Boogaloo dudes (stand up) carry the news # All the young dudes (I wanna hear you) # Carry the news (I wanna see you) # Boogaloo dudes (I wanna talk to you) # Good luck, boy. Cheers. Bye bye, darling. You gave him money. You gotta, ain't you? Not really. He earns more than you do. So. Fancy a son earning more than his father. It's pathetic. Oh, you. Is it too late for me to go with him? # Drunk a lot of wine and I'm feeling fine # Gotta race some cat to bed # There's concrete all around or in my head...# Hi. Can I talk to you outside for five minutes? OK. Can I have five minutes outside, Brian? Is he gonna do you? You won't need five minutes. I'll see you in two. That'll give you time for a cigarette. (LAUGHS LASCIVIOUSLY) I'm leaving today, so it doesn't make any difference. But I wanted to ask you, do you like me? Yeah. Really? Well, I need to show you something. If I wasn't leaving, would it freak you out or would you still go out with me? What is it? Well, it's a naked female vampire looking out of a window. Hmm. It's brilliant. What? It's brilliant. I designed it myself. That's amazing. Cor! You're so creative. Wait, there's more. Is that you looking up? Yeah. Are you gonna go and give her one? Yeah, how do you know? You got a hard on. Yeah. You still had your socks on. Yeah, I was standing in the street. I didn't... Didn't wanna get cold feet, did you? Exactly. What are you doing? Where's your stuff? Yeah, I can't come. Why not? Travelling around the world sounds good, but I might be seeing this bird tonight. OK. Well that's good. Don't worry about it. Will I see you again? Yeah, course you will. On Saturday. Not Saturday, no. In the pub Monday? No. When? Like, what, in a year? I don't know. Maybe. You OK? Yeah, well, take care of yourself. And you, mate. (DOOR CLOSES) # Rain Song - Led Zeppelin (INSTRUMENTAL PLAYS THROUGHOUT) # This is the springtime of my loving # The second season I am to know # You are the sunlight in my growing # So little warmth I've felt before # It isn't hard to feel me glowing # I watched the fire that grew so low... There you go, dear. There you go, dear. What time do we make it? Twenty-five past eight. That's me off, then. See you in the office, sir. Yeah, see you later. Bye, Mike. Oh, yeah, bye. It'll be fine. What'll be fine? Whatever you decide to do. What do you mean? I'm marrying Mike. Good, that's settled, then. So what if he doesn't like dancing? Your father doesn't like dancing. I'm sure he'll give you everything you need to be a good wife. Whoa! Where are you going? She's in a hurry. Let her go. I'll explain later. No, you'll explain to me now, when I ask you a question in my own house. I said, where are you going? And I said let her go. Go, dear. #.. keepers of the gloom # Speak to me only with your eyes... (TANNOY ANNOUNCEMENT) This is an important announcement for Freddie. Mr Freddie Taylor, Mr Bruce Pearson would like you to know that he's sorry he can't come with you. But he wishes you all the luck in the world, mate. And he'd like to remind you that you are a massive bender. Thank you and good luck. (DOOR SLAMS) (WHISTLE) # I've felt the coldness of my winter # I never thought it would ever go # I cursed the gloom that set upon us # But I know that I love you so. # Why did you decide to come at the last minute? Because I think I might be in love with you too. I guessed that. Why did you leave it till the last minute? We almost missed the train. You know, I thought I'd make a dramatic entrance. Don't know why we ran so hard. There's another one in an hour. # I see the torch we all must hold # This is the mystery of the quotient # Upon us all a little rain must fall. # (THE RAIN SONG INSTRUMENTAL THROUGHOUT) (BIRDS TWITTER) IMS Subtitles accessibility@bskyb.com www.tvnz.co.nz/access-services Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. TVNZ Access Services 2012