. Supertext Captions by the Australian Caption Centre. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 Negative. No sign. Wait a second. I think I got him! You know...you could put somebody's eye out with that thing! We airlifted out the last passengers, Ace. We're heading out. What about the animal cargo? Don't worry about it. It's just one little raccoon. If I were you, I'd turn back. Yeah? If you were me, then I'd be you! And I'd use YOUR body to reach the top! You can't stop me, no matter who you are! (Giggles maniacally) Loser! Loo-oo--se-er! Cheep! Cheep! Hungry, fella? (Retches) That ought to hold you for a while. TRIUMPHANT MUSIC That's OK, Spike. There's nothing more we can do. Look, Spike! DRAMATIC MUSIC (Squeals pitifully) Do not fret, my little woodland friend, for your life is in the hands of ACE VENTURA...pet detective! (Squeals) Whatever you do... (Groans with effort) ..don't look down. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC (Whimpers) BELT STRAINS (Gasps) Ahh! Ugh! Hang on! Hang on, little buddy! I gotcha! I think I gotcha! Well, maybe not. You're slipping. Don't let go! Noooooooo! DRAMATIC MUSIC (Puffs and pants) My goodness. DOORS SLAM SHUT Ah! Oh! Well! Hello. Yes...well, now. That was quite a shock. It's...um...it's extremely nice to meet you. Now, my name is Fulton Greenwall and I am looking for an Ace Ventura. No man here carries with him a label. What? Oh, yes. No names. How silly of me. Well, um...he's an American. We are all children of the same life force. Yes, of course we are. Well, er...he bends over and speaks from his rear. Oh, him! Right this way. He came to us a broken man. He had lost the will to sustain his existence. Yes, I heard about that unfortunate accident with the raccoon. It was terrible for him, but the life force once again smiled upon him. He's now at peace. Mm-hm. MYSTICAL MUSIC, GOAT BLEATS I will wait here. BIRD CHITTERS (Growls menacingly) Arrrrrrraaarrrrrra! Aaaah! I must apologise. Quite. Well...um...no harm done. Let me introduce myself. My name is Fulton Greenwall. I'm sent here to employ your services to find a lost animal. Can you help us? Your request is not unlike your lower intestine - stinky and loaded with danger. We can pay you handsomely. I'm now a child of light. Your earthly money holds no appeal to me. $20,000. Heheheheheheheh! Reeeeeaaally? No. I cannot, for I am sorely needed...here... ..at the ashram. If I may interject... ..we are short of space and it's important for you to use your talents. Let me help you pack. But I am yet to attain omnipresent supergalactic oneness. Er...no. Wait! There it is! You've just attained it. I have? Yes. Just now. You are one! I can see it in your eyes. You're more one than anyone. What about my Medallion of Spiritual Accomplishment? Take mine. This took you 80 years to achieve! That's OK. I don't like it any more - really. In the light of this personal sacrifice you've made... ..I have no choice... ..but to take the case. Great! I'll go tell the others! Master! Break it to them gently. CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS ORIENTAL MUSIC PUMPS (Monks hoot and cheer wildly) I've never seen them act like that before. Denial can be an ugly thing. Well, we should go, Mr Ventura. I've arranged a plane. I'll meet you at the bottom. There's still one more thing I must do before I go. Isn't this incredible?! It's gotta be some kind of a record! (Sings) # Everyone loves a Slinky! # You gotta get a Slinky! # Slinky! Slinky! Go, Slinky, go! # Ohhhhhh, maaaaan! Can you believe it? It was right there! Can I do it one more time? Please forgive me, but if we don't hurry, we might miss the plane. Of course. How selfish of me. Let's do all the things that YOU want to do. STRANGE, ANIMAL-LIKE NOISES Moooooooooo! Uuuuuuuuugh! (Makes fart noise) Canadian moose during mating season. And now... ..a yak. Yaaaaaaaaaaaak! Yaaaaaaaaaak! Yaak! Peanut? Yes, I have one right here. It's bulky, but I consider it carry-on. Pea-nut. Ohhh, I see. If we can get to back to business, Mr Ventura? The Wachati are a peaceful tribe. Since their sacred animal has vanished, they believe that there is a curse fallen on their village. It all started some time ago... So...the daughter of the Wachati chief is set to wed the first son of the Wachootoo tribe and the sacred animal was offered as dowry for the marriage. But if it is not recovered, the result will be the merciless slaughter of the Wachatis. Uh, Mr Ventura? Mr Ventura. (Imitates Captain Kirk) There's...someone on the wing! Some...thing! I'm sorry - what were you saying? The daughter of the Wachati chief is set to wed the first son of the Wachootoo tribe. AFRICAN-INSPIRED MUSIC Spectacular! This land holds great beauty. How far to the crime scene? I've been instructed to bring you first to the consulate. It's beyond those trees, past the jungle. So we'll have to circle arooooouund! (Laughs maniacally) Oh, no! Steering's a little loose! Ugh! Alignment's off too! Mr Ventura! BOTH: Aaaaaaaaaaaagh! (Sings) # Oh, you pretty Chitty Bang-Bang # Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang, we love you # And our pretty Chitty Bang-Bang loves us too # High, low, everywhere we go On Chitty-Chitty we depend # Bang-Bang Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang our fine four-fendered friend # Bang-Bang Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang our fine four-fendered... # Chitty Bang-Bang Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang, yeah! (Opera style) # CHITTY! # Ah, there's the consulate! Oh, thank God! If I can just find a parking spot! Perhaps we should slow down just a teensy-weensy bit? Nonsense, Poopy-Pants! We're going a bit fast! (Laughs hysterically) Really! Look out! Like a glove! You might want to think about getting this baby detailed. Oh, no. The Consulate-General's car. MAN: Down, Baba! That's it, down. (Trumpets softly) Yes. Yes. GENTEEL CLASSICAL MUSIC VENTURA: Come on! WHOOSH! SLAP! Whoa. Mr Ventura, I was so looking forward to your arrival. WHOOSH! SLAP! Mmmmph! Funny, it didn't seem that painful when you were doing it to the horse. (Laughs nervously) Sir, Mr Ventura has an affinity for animals. Shall we? "Shall we?" BOING! BOING! BOING! Tell me, Mr Ventura, just how good ARE you? You're an extreme workaholic. You recently returned from a short trip in northern Africa. Upon your return, you probably took a nasty spill because of some... shoddy masonry work. Very impressive. Might one ask - how? Surely. (Sucks in air) The abrasion on your left hand is consistent with a fall of three to five feet. The remnants of plaster on your shoe pointed to a careless mason being the culprit. Your watch, a quality fake Cartier, was probably purchased through the north African black market. (Sucks air in) And my work habits? Yes - a workaholic. The urine stain on your pants would signify that you're a single-shake man - far too busy for the follow-up jiggle. Brilliant, Mr Venture! Simply brilliant. Spank you, Greenwall! Spank you very much. Mr Ventura, we've been coexisting quite nicely with the native cultures for the past 200 years. They're almost like family at this point. Are they? It is imperative that we recover the sacred animal. If not, the peaceable Wachatis will assuredly be obliterated. The Wachootoos are bloodthirsty. They consider its disappearance both an insult and a curse. (Babbles in a high-pitched voice) Do I have something in my teeth? Ah, Cadby. Lovely brunch, I must say. Quinn, I'd like you to meet Ace Ventura. This is Burton Quinn. He owns and operates Quinnland Safari Park. Most call me Quinn. Say hello, Tinky. (Squawks) Pleasure, Tinky. Corvus corax, common raven. The smartest of all birds. Rare in these parts. (Gasps) Excuse me. That's quite a wrap you're wearing. Perhaps I could get you some fluffy new slippers made from the heads of innocent and defenceless baby seals? Who is this ghastly man? Ace Ventura, pet detective. And...you must be the Monopoly guy. Hey - thanks for the free parking. Another 'activist', McGuire. Activist - yes. (Both snicker pompously) "Activist - yes." (Snickers sarcastically) Mr Ventura...there's nothing wrong with enjoying the fruits of nature. You should try it sometime. All righty, then. GUESTS GASP You know something? You're right. (Sings waltz) (Sings raunchy song) Hey! (All gasp) # La-da! # Do not pass go! Do not collect $200! (Woman gasps in disgust) It's lovely, but I fancy myself an autumn. If you've quite finished, Mr Ventura! We might make for the projection room, Greenwall. Kooky. Mr Ventura, I'd like you to meet Hitu, chief of tribal security in the province. Please! Don't... ..get up. At this point we don't have any leads, but we've had similar problems in the past. Sorry. (Imitates gun) This is Derrick McCane, spotted several times in the province in the past year. Mr McCane makes a handsome living from rare and endangered species. Hitu? Ah, now these two are Australians. The bald one is Mick Katie. The other is said to have been raised by Aborigin... ..Aborigines. The natives call him... (Ace makes monster munching noises) ..call him Gahjii - the hunter. (Munch! Munch! Slurp! Slurp!) Both are known poachers and have been SEEN IN THE AREA! Mr Ventura! This wedding ceremony takes place in four days! I cannot have bloodshed in my province! We are counting on you! (Ace imitates radio dials turning) Honk, honk! Honk, honk, honk, honk! High-ho, Silver! Away! I've assigned Greenwall to assist you. Before you go, Mr Ventura, there's something I'd like to show you, something you might enjoy - as one animal-lover to another. Uuuuuuuuuuuuugh! Aaaaaaaaugh! Something wrong, Mr Ventura? Of course not. This is a lovely room of death. Take care now. Bye-bye then. (Trumpets) Down, Baba. Oh! Oh! AHHHHHH! Mr Ventura, how could you?! Ohhhh. (Imitates cocking gun) Pow! Mr Ventura, I think the village is roughly about a mile ahead. Excellent. Flat tyre! I think this joke has run its course, don't you? Certainly. I prostrate myself before you and beg your forgiveness. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy the occasional prank. It's just that my heel's getting raw. We love you, dark continent! Goodnight! ROARING Listen! ROAR, GROWL The majestic song of the male silverback gorilla. I think we should move along. It's their mating season. They can get rather hostile. 'LION SLEEPS TONIGHT' PLAYS # Wheeeeee Da wheee um-um-away # Wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh. # Oh, excuse me, Mr Ventura - I have to rest. Of course you do. The Wachatis believe they draw their power from these caves, but they now live in fear since the vanishing of their sacred bat. Bat?! What... ..bat? The one we're here to find, Mr Ventura. You didn't say anything about a bat. What's the difference? What's the difference?! Have you ever seen a bat? They're hideous - lifeless, beady eyes, clawed feet, huge, grotesque wings - even fangs! Whoooolloooooowhooollooooo! They give you rabies, you know? Yes, quite. I see your point. But...are you saying that you won't take the case? No. As a being of light, I must show compassion for all the living things of nature. Good. I'm not touchin' it though! No, spank you! MODERN AFRICAN MUSIC The Wachati are a peaceful people. They find all forms of life sacred. I like them already. Bambaweh achuna. Bambaweh achuna. Hi, there. Nice to see ya. Bumblebee tuna. Bumblebee tuna! (All gasp) Ace Ventura, pet detective. How are you this afternoon? Alllllllrighty then! Excuse me. (Whispers) Your balls are showing. Bumblebee tuna. They have lived in the same state for thousands of years. They did not know about disease until the white man came. (Sneezes) What's goin' on over here? Oh, yes. All young Wachati warriors must face five days of balance and concentration. Should he lose his focus and fall, he must start all over again. Earthquake test! (All gasp and murmur) He's good. With my help, he...could be the best. Maybe we should see the chief, Mr Ventura. This way. Neat-o! Kahdu. Agwala na onyeh. Ikeh gabia. The chief says he knew you would come. Libby-libby-wa. POP! Chim-chimeny-chim-chim-cheroo! Haiiiii! Kehano obodo inashu. The chief says he has not understood the dialect you're using. Tell him I'm happy to meet him and that his sacred...bat is as good as found. Ah solum nameh, fulugi a-fulu u-su. (Hawks and spits) Oh, my goodness. The chief really seems to like you. That is a great sign of affection in the Wachati tribe. Reeeeeeeeaaaalllllly? This is the chief's son, Ouda. The missionaries came through and taught him a spot of English. I like you. My...aren't I the popular one? Allow me to display MY affection. (Snorts nasally) (Hawks disgustingly) HEARTY LAUGHTER It is the mucus that binds us. Ebabo ebi. The chief says that the sacred hut is over there. How did they get past the guard? I'm afraid he was found shortly after - sleeping. At ease, soldier. We all make mistakes. Quite an auspicious dwelling for a filthy, flying weasel! Alla sicaca! Please, Mr Ventura! That's sacred ground. I'm sorry, but only the Wachati are allowed to step there. Hey...take it easy. I'm the loogie guy, remember? (Grunts) Eh walanoko. Eh apalu indi-Wachati. Obelanu, eh wichitali oso aso topwadehsi anodi indi-Wachati. Nineh gawom... Yes. Yes. Chief, thank you. Dalo. Thank you. The chief says that unless the sacred bat is returned before the marriage of the princess, the entire Wachati tribe will meet their death. What type of bat are we talking about here? The great white bat, of course. OMINOUS AFRICAN MUSIC Corpuscula kyropera? Yes. But to the natives...Shikaka. (Both gasp reverently) Shikaka. SHIKAKAAAAA! (Snickers) Shikasha! Aaaaaah! Sssshhhhh...ishkebab. 'Sssshhhh...awshank Redemption'. (Sings loudly) # Chicago! # You're out of there! Go on. You're gone. Go on! AFRICAN MUSIC PLAYS WILDLY Were you gonna eat these? (Giggles evilly) Ace. (Whispers) I've got to inspect that cage. Mmm! My, my, my. This fruit paste is delicious. And the pottery is lovely. It's made from guano. Guano? That sounds so familiar. Bat droppings. (Makes gagging sounds) Guano is the chief resource of the Wachati. They use it to make many things in the village. Yummy! Oh, now this is really fascinating. This is a great Wachati tradition - the virgin's dance of seduction. ACE: I am now a holy man. I think of women only as the mothers of our children. They are a sanctuary for the reproductive organs, a temple to house the miracle of procreation. Do you have a dollar? Oh! Thank you so much. I've not danced in years! SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC Hi. Don't mind me. Sleep. Sleep! (Snores) Sleeeeeeeeeep. Fee-fie-foe-fum! I smell.... ..the fingerprints of scum! Better dust the place. Totally clean. Not one damn clue. Unless... (Blows) SPLAT Here she comes. Oh, boy. (Singsong) Holy, holy, holy, holy. Good thoughts in, bad thoughts out! Good, bad, good, bad... You've come to help us. We are in great appreciation. You... ..speak English. Yes. The missionaries, they come with books. (Blows) Oh! (Giggles) You are very good with that. It's incredibly accurate. Care to try? Not bad. Try again. Relax your shoulders. Breathe...and release. There you go. You make me smile. And yet... ..I am troubled. You see...the man my father wants me to marry - I am worried I will not please him. I... (Whispers) I've never known a man. I would love to help. But you see, I have vowed to take a life of celibacy. Well...perhaps this will assist your decision. Those are very nice! But I am a child of light, a pure spirit. I am no longer encumbered by the appetites of the flesh. ACE: Ohhh, mama! Ohhhhhhhhh, mama. Oooooooh, mama! Ohhhhhhh, mama. LIGHT SLAPPING SOUNDS Ohhhh, mama. Ooooooh, mama. Ooooooooooooh, mama. Oooh! Oh, mama! I'm so sorry, Mr Ventura... (Shrieks) I... (Pants heavily) That's OK. I was just... ..practising my mantra. Oh. Uh...yes. I thought you wanted to visit the sacred caves. I do. Could you meet me outside in 10 minutes? If I don't finish my meditation, I tend to get a little cranky. Take care, now. Bye-bye then. 'Bye. 'Bye. . TENSE MUSIC Well, everything here seems good. Big load off my mind. You can speculate all you want, but unless you check it out for yourself, you never know. We should head back now. Shouldn't you investigate? There's no reason to go in there...ever. I sense it as a holy man. But I thought you said... It's dark! I could fall into a precipice! Here. Take this. Spank you, Helpie Helperton. Hey! I'm not afraid. I am not afraid. I really like it here. SQUEAK My medallion! I will fear no living creature as long as I keep this near me. BATS SQUEAK Take that, you winged spawn of Satan! MEDALLION SHATTERS That's OK. All I really need is my torch. BAT SQUEAKS Die, devil-bird! (Whimpers) I'm OK. Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh! They're in my hair! They're in my hair! Aaaagh! Get out! Heaven help me! Ace! There is nothing in your hair. Exactly. I was merely running a drill. DRAMATIC MUSIC Just as I suspected - Quinn. What? We met him at Cadby's soiree. His bird is a raven named Tinky. I found that inside the cave. You don't understand - Burton Quinn's a very powerful man. Worry not, my brother... ..for I am a master of disguises! SURF-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS SONG: # Well, a man who leads a life of danger # To everyone he meets he stays a stranger # Oh, with every move he makes # And the chance he takes # Odds are, he won't live to see tomorrow # Secret agent man, secret agent man # They've given you a number and taken away your name... # Eat up, guys. None of this animal goes to waste. # Be careful what you say # Or you'll give yourself away # Odds are you won't live to see tomorrow # Secret agent man, secret agent man # They've given you a number and taken away your name. # Ah. Mr McCane... How ya doin'? I...I'm doing well. MACHINERY WHIRRS Don't mind me, Mr Quinn. I'm just a curious little rhino. I...appreciate your agreeing to undertake this. Meeting secretly with sinister types MUCH? "Oh, not TOO much." Ah, much too much! FAN WHIRRS TO A HALT Kinda hot in these rhinos. SWEAT SQUELCHES WARM! I had a dog and his name was BINGO! Got to get some oxygen. Oh, no. Come on! (Screams and grunts) MAYDAY! ALARM BLARES Must...have...air. Come on, girls. (Whispers) Quiet, quiet, quiet. Look, look. MOTHER: Wow. (Ace grunts) Oh, look! The mother rhino is giving birth! Oh, God. Mommy! (Gives primeval roars) Cool! Get out of here! Get in the jeep! Quick! Get in! Welcome to Quinnland. And you too, my friend. (Chuckles) Ah, yes. Ah, yes. I know you'll be happy here. Huh! Ha! Well, how did you get out, little fella? You're a cute little devil, aren't you? What's that you got there? Aaaaaaaaaaarrrgh! . Uhhh. Huh? Uhhhh! Where's the bat? What is this about? Who are you?! (In German accent) Vere...iss...za bat? I know who you are. I met you at Cadby's. You're that...Ventura fella! Last chance! Where is that darn bat? What are you going to do? What are you going to do?! Whatever I have to to get some answers. SCREECHING SOUND Ughh! Ooh! Stop that! Stop it! Stop that! You'd like me to stop that, wouldn't you? Gettin' to you? (Whimpers) I'll never tell you anything. Mmmmm. A tough guy, huh? I know what to do with tough guys. Wheee! Ughhh! (Makes goofy noises) Nooooooo! My brother used to do that to me! Oh, you're sadistic! Stop it! Stop it! All right, I'll talk! Spill it! I paid Derrick McCane to find the bat! Uhhh! I thought it could be an attraction. Business has been a bit off lately. So...you don't know who...took the bat? Neither does McCane. OK. I'm going to untie you now. But before I do, I want you to know that I'm really...truly...very... ..SORRY! Uhhhh! (Spike squeaks) Appreciate the lift! We'll walk from here. OK, Quinn is out of the picture. We have no more suspects or clues. But I have instincts, Spike. And my instincts tell me we're getting closer. I can feel it. I can feel it like it's right... WHOOSH ..in my NECK! RUN! FRANTIC PERCUSSIVE MUSIC WHOOSH Ugh! Starting to get numb! WHOOSH Ughhhh! DRUMMING STOPS (Speech slowing) Three darts is too much! FRANTIC DRUMMING Ughh! Oooh! Uhhhh! (Gasps hoarsely) (Pants) (Hoarsely) I think I lost 'em! WHOOSHING SOUNDS Heyyyyyy! (Giggles) Flowers. For me? I do declare, Mr Beauregard! You are my hero... Was I...talking in my sleep? You've been suffering hysteria. It's a natural reaction to the poison in these darts. Water. Guano bowls. Collect the whole set! Ace, did you see the shooter? Only their feet. Not enough for a positive ID. That is the dart of the Wachootoo shaman. The whatty-whatan? The Wachootoo shaman, or medicine man, has openly protested against the inter-tribal wedding. Has he? But you do not speak Wachootoo. I go with you. Yes, Ouda will be my interpreter. Ace. Now, please take care. The Wachootoo are a savage tribe. If they catch you, they'll show no mercy. Worry not, my brother. I will be as a fly on the wall, a grain of salt in the ocean. I will slip amongst them like a transparent... ..thing. Arrrrghhhh! Hi-yahhhhh! POUNDING TRIBAL DRUMS The sacred bat must be in one of those huts. I must walk freely among them. "Wunderbar!" he exclaimed with great relish. (Screams) (Screams) (Makes farting noises) Ooh-ahh-eee! Ah-hahhh! Come on, girls! Show 'em what you got! Oh! Big finish! (Makes prolonged shout) DRUMMING STOPS I'm sure it's fine. Ouda's probably going for help right now. Hello, Ace! They found me, no sweat! Don't beat yourself up. (Gives bloodcurdling wail) You know, gingivitis is the number-one cause of all tooth decay. Inquincu Orcha! What does 'Inquincu Orcha' mean? White Devil. Well, tell him I'm not. I've only met you. How do I know? Inquincu Orcha! Inquincu Orcha! He said... Let me guess - "White devil! White devil!"? Yes. You speak Wachootoo? Tell them what I'm saying. I come in peace! (Translates) I couldn't help but notice that 'Inquincu Orcha' part. Did you refer to me as White Devil? This how they know you. Leave that part out. I represent the Princess! (Translates) (All gasp) War is hell. The last thing we want...is a fight. (All shout) (Speaks Wachootoo) The Chief said if you pass all Wachootoo tests, you do not die. Kooky. DANCE MUSIC WITH TRIBAL SINGING (All cheer) Yahhhh! SONG: # Can't make me out to be a fool # Even say I lost my mind # I know in my heart there's no room For the one I didn't find # On the other hand, I feel alone # And I know I need someone # To hold my hand and carry me home # My hands are stirred - I'm lost in the storm # Come on in - come along! # What's your name? Come along! # I'll lean on you I've got my faith in you # Let me call your name. Come along! # What's your name? Come along! # Let me see your face # Bring me to your place. # Hee-hee-hee! Ah! My entrance to the winners' circle! Your admiration is well-founded, but I am merely a servant. Do not worship MEEEEEE! Arhhhh! Ugh! (Speaks Wachootoo) Chief says you have passed all tests but one. Only left is Wachootoo Circle Of Death. Funny, that's my specialty. FOOTSTEPS POUND (Snarls) (Snarls ferociously) This is it? I have to beat...HIM? (Laughs) (Snarls and growls) (Screeches bestially) (Matches screech) All righty, then! I must tell you, I do not wish to fight you. Violence is no longer in my nature. But if you want it, you've got it, sister! (Snarls) (Wails) Biting, I see. I was unaware that the Wachootoos were biters! Well, why don't you try THIS on and see how it fits! (Screeches) Ughhhhh. Ace! He much better fighter than you. Doi! Ughhhhhh! Yah! (Laughs maniacally) Inquincu Orcha! (All cheer) All right! This White Devil thing has gone far enough. Nobody...messes...with the DO! FRANTIC PERCUSSIVE MUSIC (Splutters) Inquincu Orcha! (Speaks Wachootoo) He said, "Sorry, White Devil, but he must kill you now." WHOOSHING SOUND I have the reflexes of a cat and the speed of a mongoose. Throw it! I DARE YA! (Makes bloodcurdling scream) Arghhhhh! Owwwww! (Wails in agony) (Spectators laugh) Ouda! Don't just stand there! Throw me a spear! AFRICAN DRUMMING AND CHANTING ARGHHHHHHH! Arhhhhh! Arghhhh! Arrrrrhhh! (Wails in agony) (Laughs) It's in the bone! It's in the bone! It's in the bone! Ughhhh! (Screeches triumphantly) (Both laugh) (Speaks Wachootoo) Chief says you make him laugh. You are like sissy girl! (Spectators join in laughter) (Speaks Wachootoo) Wachootoo chief say, you friend to Wachootoo. But if curse of Shikaka not lifted by tomorrow's sun at top of sky, Wachootoo kill all Wachati and smash your head on a rock. Super. Take care now. Bye-bye, then. OK, take care. Super. Bye-bye, then. Are your legs sore? Do you want me to carry you? That won't be necessary, my friend. I have an incredibly high threshold for pain. WHOOSHING SOUND Holy monkey! (All laugh uproariously) BIRDS CHIRP Ace, why you stopped? The Wachootoo didn't take Shikaka. Hi. Welcome back. What would you say this is? Dart of Wachootoo shaman. Precisely. And when compared to one of the darts that hit me before? Same. Only to the untrained eye. You see, the Wachootoo dart is made of wood from the mimosa tree, while the other dart is carved from a red fungus-bearing ucala. And there's only one area of the jungle with red fungus-bearing ucalas. Go back to the village. Tell them the Wachootoos attack tomorrow at noon. OK! This little hound dog just picked up a scent. (Sniffs) SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC Won't be long now, Katie. Big night tonight! You're gonna meet your new owner. G'day... ..disgusting rat! (Hisses) (Screeches) Gravy! ANIMAL BELLOWS Did you hear that? What is it? Silverback. ANIMAL BELLOWS (Makes hoarse bellow) A female. Big. Yeah? About 200m... (Ace repeats call) ..south. We get $5,000 for one of those! What about the rat? Don't worry about the rat. We'll be back in no time. Stay downwind. (Bat screeches) Uhhh! You're even uglier than I thought. She's a big one, isn't she? WHOOSH ACE: Owww! LAUGHTER, WHOOSHING BIRDS SING (Chatters) What?! Oh, boy! You see those trees lining the river bank - suman shrubs with extreme predacachis? Steadily increasing water current? Spike, I think we can assume the stream gets...pretty rough up ahead. THUNDEROUS ROARING SOUND SUSPENSEFUL PERCUSSIVE MUSIC As soon as I get you loose, chew through my ropes. That's it! THAT'S IT! (Squeaks) Yes! Your turn! All right! Yes! (Squeaks) (Whimpers) Hey! Spike! Spike! SPIKE! (Screams) SPIIIIIIKE! THUNDEROUS ROAR . (Screams) (Scream becomes gargle) (Gasps) I'm alive! (Laughs hysterically) I'M ALIVE! ZANY MUSIC Yee-haaaa! Yeee-haaaa! Say uncle! Say uncle! Oh, no! Don't start what you can't finish! Quit hittin' yourself! Quit hittin' yourself! Ooh, water tastes good, yes?! Glub! Glub! (Ace gibbers nonsensically) This isn't over yet. There's something I've missed, some clue I've overlooked. Some motive - and that motive is...pleugh! Think! Somebody wants these two tribes to destroy each other. There must be something valuable in this equation. Perhaps we should meditate upon it, Spike. It is said that when seeking answers, one must...quiet the soul in order to hear them. What is it the Wachatis possess that is of great value to other men... ..besides the princess with the amazing rack? (Sings in Gregorian chant style) # A-a-a-a-a-a-lrighty then. FULL CHOIR CHANTS # A-a-a-a-a-lrighty then. # CELESTIAL-SOUNDING MUSIC AND HUMMING SITAR PLAYS (Chants) # Omni-pardon-me # Omni-pardon-me # Omni-par... # Oh! Ace? You're back? CELESTIAL CHOIR You can dispense with the small talk, all-knowing one. I'm here on business and time is of the essence. Very well. What answer do you seek? I need to know what the Wachatis possess that is of great value to civilised man. The medallion will lead you to the answer. You do still have the medallion, don't you? Medallion? Why...surely! I left it back, er...with my body. Your aura is weakening. OK! I threw it in the cave! What do you WANT from me? What are you, Mr Perfect? If you want to know where it is, it's probably lying in a big pile of... (Monkey squeaks) DRAMATIC MUSIC Guano! They have guano! ENGINE ROARS Like...a glove. (Grunts) Hi, Chief! Appreciate you meeting me here. Let's go kick some... ..consulate butt. CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS Hello, Ace. Have you come for your money? Wrong again, Sweeney Toad. I've come for the sacred bat. Where is it? Why, Ace, whatever can you mean? Guano - hello! Does 'poop' ring a bell? "Guano - mined as a source of nitrate, "producing 84% of the world's supply of fertiliser, "a $1.4 billion industry." That's what this war is all about! You can't legally possess the caves while the Wachatis inhabit the area. And you want that dooky so bad you can taste it. But, Sir, I thought that... Thank you, Fulton. That's a fine theory, Mr Ventura. What's it got to do with me? I thought you'd never ask. (Sucks air) The day I met you there was a white substance on your shoe. The same substance was outside the bat's hut. The great white bat has great white guano! That's what was on your shoe and that explains the abrasion on your palm! I'll run that back for you. (Garbles backwards) That's what was on your shoe AND THAT EXPLAINS THE ABRASION ON YOUR PALM!! DAMN, I'M GOOD! Can you feel that, huh?! Can you feel it, Captain Compost? The day of redemption is at hand! REPENT... ..and thou shall be saved. Very good...Mr Ventura. Very good. I believe you've solved the case. One thing I still don't understand, Mr Belvedere. If you are the slime behind this little flim-flam, why, oh, WHY, did you hire me? I'm afraid there's going to be an investigation after the war. You are my alibi to prove I'd done everything I could to stop it. Arrest him. ARREST HIM! Please arrest him. Simon says, "Arrest him." (Chuckles) DOOR OPENS (Bat screeches) (Shudders) But I thought you loved all animals, Mr Ventura. (Mimics him) "I thought you loved all animals, Mr Ventura." Shall I stick him on the wall? No, I don't think it will be necessary, Gahjii. Mr Ventura has very cleverly stolen the sacred bat of the Wachati. Unfortunately, we were unable to recover it in time to stop the war. Greenwall, hit the lights! The switch on the wall beside you! Flick it, quick! All righty, then! Shall we go to jail? Hey, what are you - H.R. Shove 'n' stuff?! Get in. SOFT MUSIC Just one more thing. (Makes strange baby noises) Wazza joo joo joo! What are you doing? (Elephant trumpets) (Ace calls in baby language) TRIUMPHANT MUSIC Stop it! I said stop it! (Elephant roars) Aaaaaaah! (Elephant trumpets) To the jungle, Baba. TRIUMPHANT MUSIC CONTINUES . Friends, rodents, quadrupeds... ..lend me your rears! (Hollers like Tarzan) Imbecile! You let him get away! You don't understand - the entire tribe will be killed. Remind me to send a sympathy card. We'll go and get the bastard. It doesn't matter now. We've got the bat and it's nearly noon. RUMBLING NOISE DRUMS BEAT LION ROARS ZEBRA BRAYS What the HELL'S going on? AFRICAN CHANTING MUSIC BIRDS SQUAWK (Elephant trumpets) Whoa! Aaaaaah! (Screeches) (Belches) You see...humans and animals can live in harmony. BIRDS SQUAWK DRAMATIC MUSIC (Man grunts) Weeeeelll! Sorry for the delay, Ace. HORSE WHINNIES Hey, poachers! (Imitates Tony Montana) Say hello to my stinky little friend! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (Bat squeals) Oh! Get out, get out, get out! Not so fast, Sally! Ah-ha-ha-ha! Get it away! DRAMATIC MUSIC ROCK SONG EXPLODES (Cackles triumphantly) ENGINE REVS Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi! Oh, he wants to go off-road! Argh! Nobody wants to play with me. Oh! Loooooooooooooooooooooser! Cadby...from the consulate, right? This is weird. (Ace whistles a happy tune) (Whimpers) (Whistles) (Yelps) Ah-ha! (Laughs) Aaaaaaaah! (Bat screeches) ENGINE REVS GUITAR PLAYS LION ROARS (Bat screeches) (Bat continues screeching) Blaaah! Noon. The Wachati. The spirit will overcome. The spirit will overcome. AFRICAN-STYLE ROCK MUSIC Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! (Laughs maniacally) Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Bluuuuuuuuuuk! (Gags) Eeeeeew! Ugh! (Bat screeches) (Yells wildly) (All whoop and chant) ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES (Gasps) Head...hunters! (Shout ferociously in Wachootoo) Wachootoo! (All whoop) (Yells wildly) Shikaka! (Bat screeches) Ah! Ah...ah! (Yells and grunts) Pet detective coming through. Clear a path, people! (Shouts in Wachati) Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi! (All shout and whoop) (Bat screeches wildly) (Grunts desperately) YYYYYYYYYYYYYY-uuukkk!!! (Gasps and pants) (Laughs) SOFT, LOW ROAR Huh? 'LION SLEEPS TONIGHT' PLAYS (Backup singers chant rhythmically) (Chief intones in Wachootoo) (Ace yodels) They will now consummate the marriage under the witness of the tribe. Well done, Ace. You must be extremely proud. Pride is an abomination. One must forgo the self to attain total spiritual creaminess... ..and avoid the chewy chunks... of degradation. (Someone squeals wildly) (Screams in Wachootoo) What's that he's saying? I think he's saying she's not a virgin. (Whispers) They can tell that?! AFRICAN-STYLE ROCK MUSIC EXPLODES (Natives whoop)