Captions by Jane Wrigglesworth, Fiona Jamieson and Christine Ody. Edited by Glen Moffatt. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015 TV: You looked at Ray and said, 'I want him to be my boyfriend, 'but he's gotta change.' What are you talking about? WOMAN: One thing that initiated a misunderstanding was one day, just because I didn't want sex,... he'll say, 'Well, if you don't want to do it, I'm gonna call somebody else to do it.' You can't... BLEEP CHANNEL SWITCHES Stop. (SCREAMS) Stop. (SCREAMS) HOST: Stop at $4000 and a spin. CHANNEL SWITCHES CHANNEL SWITCHES You were drinking and thought you were making love to ME? CHANNEL SWITCHES CHANNEL SWITCHES 'MY THREE SONS' THEME MUSIC PLAYS CHANNEL SWITCHES CHANNEL SWITCHES It differs from a normal massage? CHANNEL SWITCHES It differs from a normal massage? It's more sexual. CHANNEL SWITCHES OK, maybe you're right. Don't patronise me. I don't need that. Jaime, I... Jaime, I... No! METAL CLANGS CHANNEL SWITCHES CHANNEL SWITCHES This television funny man killed his own brother in cold blood. CHANNEL SWITCHES CHANNEL SWITCHES ...secret crushes on food service workers. CHANNEL SWITCHES CHANNEL SWITCHES Mr Davis, do you take cream and sugar in your eye? CHANNELS SWITCH CONSTANTLY I understand there's something you want to tell him. I understand there's something you want to tell him. Well, I'm really a man. Jesus. Where's the cable guy, already? # TV is the thing this year. # TV is the thing this year. # Radio was great. Now it's out of date. # TV is the thing this year. # Is Rick there, please? Hey, Bill. Hi. Hey, Rick, phone. Hey, Rick, phone. Hello? Hey, how's the move going? Hey, how's the move going? Horrible. The cable guy is missing in action. You haven't called Robin, have you? No, no. I'm giving her her space. I can't believe she's doing this. I can't believe she's doing this. You shouldn't have asked her to marry you. All she had to do was say no. She didn't have to kick me out. Let's go. > Let's go. > Just give me one hot minute! Listen, one sweet little piece of advice. Slip the cable guy $50. He'll give you all the movie channels for free. Even the dirty ones. I couldn't. I'm not good at that stuff. What if he says no? None of them say no. Never happens. Gotta go. Kick ass. Gotta go. Kick ass. All right. RINGING TONE ANSWERPHONE: Hi, this is Robin Harris. Steven doesn't live here any more. WATER TRICKLES DOORBELL BUZZES DOORBELL BUZZES Cable guy. > DOORBELL BUZZES Cable guy. > Oh, great (!) DOORBELL BUZZES DOORBELL BUZZES Cable guy! > Don't leave! THUMPING ON DOOR Wait! Wait! IRRITABLY: Cable guy! I'm coming. Cable guy! > Cable guy! > I'm coming. Don't leave. Cable guy! > I'm coming. Don't leave. DOORBELL BUZZES, THUMPING ON DOOR ANGRILY: Cable guy! > Hey, presto! Hey, wait! Come back. LISPS: Well, look who decided to show. You were supposed to be here four hours ago. You were supposed to be here four hours ago. Was I? So... I'M the tardy one? Yeah. I was going to go to that Bed & Bath place and now it's closed. Well, maybe I shouldn't have come at all... JERK-OFF! I'm just joking with you. Let's do this. Wow, the old McNair place. Never thought they'd get the floors clean after what happened in here. Never thought they'd get the floors clean after what happened in here. What happened? They had a lot of cats. Here's the comment card. Please mail it in. Does this go to your boss? Does this go to your boss? No, it goes to me. I'm a perfectionist. Perfectionist. Huh! Well, let's take a look at what we're dealing with here. Mmm. This COULD be a cool pad. Come on, baby. Come on, baby. Talk to me. > Tell me where you like it. Come on. Helloooooo, Mama. Is this what you want, huh? Is this where you need it? Talk to me. How about this? Oh, yeah. That's your sweet spot, right there. So,... DRILL WHIRRS DRILL WHIRRS ...your lady kicked you out. What? In preparing your service I noticed you were previously wired across town. Last week the billing was transferred to one Robin Harris. Smells like heartbreak to me. I really don't want to discuss it with you. Would you just install my cable please? Suit yourself. No sweat off my sack. No sweat off my sack. DRILL WHIRRS You might want to put on a bathing suit because you'll be channel surfing in no time. DRILL WHIRRS CHANNELS SWITCH CONTINUOUSLY So ends day 54 of the trial of former child star Sam Sweet... So ends day 54 of the trial of former child star Sam Sweet... Perfect. ...who's been accused of shooting his twin brother, Stan, in cold blood. The twins were stars of the hit sitcom Double Trouble which aired from 1977 to 1984. BOTH: He did it. Life wasn't sweet after that. Hollywood chewed them up and spit them out. A frustrated Sam turned to petty larceny... A frustrated Sam turned to petty larceny... (SHUDDERS) His brother fell in with a cult called the Brotherhood of Friends. I hope they fry this bastard. ...twin envy, also known as twin stress syndrome. What happened? Oh! The arrangement of your major appliances and your furniture was causing some noisy pics and hum bars I moved a few things. Cleared it right up. Is that cool? I moved a few things. Cleared it right up. Is that cool? Yeah, I guess. I have some paperwork for you to fill out. It's kind of a drag. You just start getting to know somebody and then the job is done. Boom-bam. Sign here Well, I feel good about this. OK. Hey, wait. Hey, wait. Yeah? Ah, I have this friend and he... he gave his cable guy $50... and then he got all the movie channels for free. Did you ever hear of anything like that? You mean illegal cable? Um... yeah. Who told you that? What is his name? Who told you that? What is his name? Forget it. You're offering me a bribe. That's illegal. You could be fined up to $5000... or spend six months in a correctional facility. Oh, please, that was dumb. I was just making conversation. I'm just jerking your chain. You are too easy. Wake up, little snoozy. Smell the smelling salts. I'll juice you up. Call it one guy doing another guy a solid. Call it one guy doing another guy a solid. That is so nice. Well, you're a nice guy. You'd be surprised how many customers treat me like snot. Here's my personal pager number. It's for preferred customers only. Never call the company. They'll just put you on hold. They'll just put you on hold. Wow. Thanks. Really. You're gonna get some good marks here. Maybe I'll take you up to the satellite sometime. It's really incredible. It's really incredible. Sure. We should do that one day. It's really incredible. Sure. We should do that one day. How about tomorrow? Tomorrow? Tomorrow's no good. Tomorrow? Tomorrow's no good. Why? What are you gonna do? Sit around and stew about your ex? No. Oh. OK. I crossed the line. Sorry. I crossed the line. Sorry. No, no, you didn't cross the line. I crossed the line. Sorry. No, no, you didn't cross the line. No? Cool. Pick you up at 6.30. DOG BARKS There are 24 classrooms. Each can be converted into a 1400 square foot home. The facility has an Olympic-size swimming pool, two tennis courts, a gym, and a stage... if the residents decide they want to perform Oklahoma. if the residents decide they want to perform Oklahoma. Oklahoma. And most important, the structure is available in foreclosure. If we put down a cash bid, we'll steal this. Yo, Stevo! Hey, you got 'em. How you feeling? Hey, you got 'em. How you feeling? Fine. Did I hear something about you having a little domestic discord? Yeah. Robin and I are having a difficult time and I moved out. Can I be blunt with you? If I approve this project and you screw up, it's not gonna be my ass. You know where I'm coming from, right? You know where I'm coming from, right? I'm on it. TV: I'm more patient and loving. TV: I'm more patient and loving. They tell me this. Nobody out here who's watching this doesn't believe there's something they can improve. Maybe their relationship's not going so well because they're so busy at work. Call now for a no-risk, 30-day, in-home free trial. HORN HONKS HORN HONKS < Steve! Steven! < Stevie, time to leavie! Yo, Stevie! Hey, buddy! Come on down. What are ya waitin' for? An engraved invitation? It's the fun bus. Come on! < How's it going? < How's it going? Hey, buddy. I've had a few drinks. You might want to buckle up. (LAUGHS) That's my humour. Hey, thanks for coming out. Most people think cable's simple. They never take the time to understand how it works. They never take the time to understand how it works. Where are we going? For a little ride on the information superhighway. HEAVY ROCK MUSIC PLAYS # I used to say, 'Crazy man in the street will try to tell me something.' # He used to say- # MUSIC STOPS I come up here to think sometimes - clear my head. Brace yourself. There she is. She's sending entertainment and information to millions of citizens. She's sending entertainment and information to millions of citizens. That's pretty impressive. See? I knew you'd appreciate this. The future is now! Soon every home will integrate their television, phone and computer You'll visit the Louvre on one channel or watch mud-wrestling on another. You can do your shopping at home or play Mortal Kombat with a friend in Vietnam. There's no end to the possibilities. When I was a kid my mom worked nights. I never met my father, but the TV was always there for me. I know what you mean. My dad was there, but he might as well have been away. That's tough. You must have a lot of abandonment issues. LISPS: Reality isn't 'Father knows best' any more. It's a kick in the face on a Saturday night... and a trip to the hospital, bloodied and bashed,... for reconstructive surgery. But what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right? You know, my brother is a speech therapist. So? Never mind. You're pretty lovestruck about your lady, huh? You're pretty lovestruck about your lady, huh? (SIGHS) Yeah, I miss her. I asked her to marry me and she asked me to move out. I asked her to marry me and she asked me to move out. Hate that. She says that I put too much pressure on her. Women are a labyrinth, my friend. Can I be frank? I don't think you listen to her. I think you try to tell her what she wants to hear. She wants you to thirst for knowledge about who she is, all the splendour that is woman. When your love is truly giving it will come back to you tenfold. You're right. That's incredibly insightful. I know. It was Jerry Springer's Final Thought on Friday's show. HEAVY ROCK MUSIC PLAYS MUSIC STOPS You know what? Women are suckers for Sleepless in Seattle. It's on HBO this month. That's your bait, right there. That's your bait, right there. Robin loves that movie. They all do. Next time you talk to her, tell her you're watching it by yourself... and sound like you've never been happier. She'll come runnin'. Maybe I'll give it a try. Um, I'm embarrassed to say this, but I don't even know your name. You really wanna know my name? You do? Really? You do? Really? Sure. It's Ernie Douglas. But my friends call me Chip. Um, goodbye. This concludes our broadcast day. Click. I don't listen to you. I pretend to understand, but I'm really just saying the things... that I think that you wanna hear. I want to learn about every detail of the splendour that is you. Oh. Oh. I can see why taking this time might be good for us. So I'm not mad. Sometimes time apart is healthy. You're right. Well, that's what I came here to say. Ooh, I gotta get back to the office. So, ah, what are you doing tomorrow? I'm gonna cook some dinner, watch a movie. Sleepless in Seattle is on cable. Really? I love that movie. Oh. Well, if you're around, why don't you come by? OK. Maybe I will. OK. Maybe I will. Whatever. TV: Hi, I'm Tabitha Soren with MTV News. In the Sam Sweet case, the 911 call was played... that Sam Sweet made the night he murdered his brother. Mr Sweet confessed one month later. Oh man. It's the same injury he had last year. Hey! You guys play here, too? Weird. Thought I'd see if anybody wanted to play some roundball. Great. We need another man. Great. We need another man. Ah, this is Chip Douglas, my cable guy. We met a week ago on a routine installation. But I feel like I've known him my whole life. But I feel like I've known him my whole life. Really? That's sweet. OK. Chip Douglas, you're on my team. Let's play. OK. Chip Douglas, you're on my team. Let's play. No way. I'm on Steven's team. I'm on Steven's team. I'll switch teams. Let's just play. Hold on. I gotta warm up. I don't wanna pull a hammie. SHOES SQUEAK SHOES SQUEAK SHOES SQUEAK SHOES SQUEAK SHOES SQUEAK Let's get it on. You any good? You any good? Feed me under the boards, you'll find out. Check it. Looks good. OK, let's see what you got, white shadow. Fool! That was a travel. That was a travel That was a travel. That was a travel Whatever you say, Chip. Oh, I see. We're playing prison rules, huh? SLOW, HEAVY ROCK MUSIC PLAYS THRASHY MUSIC PLAYS MUSIC QUIETENS BOUNCING BALL REVERBERATES Feed me! DRONES: Steven, I'm open. MUSIC GETS LOUDER Ahhhhhhhhhh! THUMP! I love this game. I guess we're done. I guess we're done. Thanks for bringing your friend, Steven (!) Hey, Rick! I never made a slam dunk before. Thanks for the boost. (LAUGHS) > What are you doing? I'm just talking trash. I'm just talking trash. You ruined the game. I don't appreciate your tone, Steven Friends don't speak like that. Friends don't speak like that. We're not friends. I don't even know you. Well, let's change that. Let me buy you a Heineken. Well, let's change that. Let me buy you a Heineken. I'm going home. I guess we'll talk later. I gotta go shower and do some stuff, anyway. ANSWERPHONE: You have 11 new messages. ANSWERPHONE: You have 11 new messages. All right. BEEP BEEP Steven, it's Mom. Give me a call. I'm getting on. Steven, call your mother. BEEP BEEP CHIP: Hey, Steven, just checking in. Give me a ring on 555 4329. BEEP CHIP: What's up, Steve? I'm at a payphone. If you're there, pick up. Pick up, pick up, pick up. BEEP BEEP CHIP: OK, I'm home. Give me a buzz when you get in. BEEP BEEP CHIP: It's me again. I was taking a whizz. Thought you might have called. OK, later. Thought you might have called. OK, later. BEEP CHIP: We're having ourselves a game of phone tag here. I was just blow-drying my hair and thought I heard the phone ring. Anyway, call me. We'll talk about it. Steven, I think your machine is- Oh, shit. BEEP DOORBELL BUZZES Hi. Hi. Hey, good to see you. Hi. Hey, good to see you. You, too. So, how's work? So, how's work? Work's good. How's Hal? How's Hal? How's Hal? Don't get me started. That guy has no vision. It's like working for Mr Magoo. Those hair plugs... I know. I know. He's just an utterly useless person. I think I hate him. I think I hate him. Oh. It's nice to see that you're doing so well. It's nice to see that you're doing so well. It's nice just to see you. Hey, it should be on now. (TURNS OFF STEREO) (TURNS ON TV) STATIC HISSES Dammit. Son of a bitch. Cable's out. Wait. I know what to do. The cable guy is a friend of mine. I'm a preferred customer. All I have to do is page him and we should have this fixed in no time. (DIALS PHONE) PERSISTENT THUMPING ON DOOR Hi. Is there a problem with your service? Is there a problem with your service? Yeah. My cable is out. Really? So you called me? Funny how you call when you need something. Is that how you treat people? I've been really busy. Can you get my cable going? Robin is here. Hey. Please, this is important. Please, this is important. But calling me back isn't. Please, this is important. But calling me back isn't. I'm sorry. Please, can you help me? Why should I help you? I gave you free cable. What have you ever done for me? I gave you free cable. What have you ever done for me? Anything you want. Name it. Tomorrow night we hang out. Tomorrow night we hang out. Fine. Anything you want. God bless you. You're too good to me. You really are. CLICK! CLICK! Ta-da! All set! What's with the cut cord? What's with the cut cord? That's for effect. See you tomorrow, Steven. She's pretty. Don't kiss her. Don't even touch her. Resist the urge at all costs. It'll pay off in the end. (HONKS, BABBLES) See what I'm sayin'? Enjoy the flick. 1 That was fast. That was fast. Yeah. You OK? You OK? Yeah, I'm fine. This is not how it's done. I'd much rather just see somebody I like - get a feeling about them; ask them if they want to have a drink. Or a slice of pizza? I wonder if it still works this way. I wonder if it still works this way. It doesn't. They ask you. I'm starting to notice. If you get a new wife you'll get to have sex with her, huh? If you get a new wife you'll get to have sex with her, huh? I certainly hope so. Does she scratch up your back? What? In movies, women always scratch up the men's backs during sex. In movies, women always scratch up the men's backs during sex. How do you know this? Jed's got cable. TV: DOGS BARK, GUNFIRE TV: DOGS BARK, GUNFIRE OK, baby, Mommy's gotta go out now. OK, baby, Mommy's gotta go out now. When will I get a brother? You said I was going to get a brother to play with. You said I was going to get a brother to play with. That's why I'm going to happy hour. Now listen, you just sit there with Mr Babysitter and he'll take care of you. Don't sit so close to that thing. It's gonna rot your brain. Why didn't you take my call? Why didn't you take my call? I gotta drop what I'm doin' whenever the phone rings? Your nostrils flare out into little wings when you're mad. TV: AIRCRAFT ZOOM, GUNFIRE TV: EXPLOSION Sorry about yesterday. I was in a weird mood. How'd everything go with you? Pretty well. We'll see. About the other night- About the other night- You're not peeking, are you? I want this to be a surprise. Where are we going? Only the finest restaurant in town. Open sesame. Medieval Times? Medieval Times? (IMITATES TRUMPET CHARGE) I knew you'd like this place. I come here twice a week. FLATLY: Welcome to Medieval Times. I'll be your serving wench Melinda. Might I fetch you something from the barkeep? Dost thou have a mug of ale for me and me mate? He has been pitched in battle for a fortnight. He has a king's thirst! I'll be right back, My Lord. I'll be right back, My Lord. My thanks to ye, fair wench. Boom-bam. Boom-bam. Oh, thanks. Look, I have to tell you. This is kind of difficult. Look, I have to tell you. This is kind of difficult. Hold that thought. TRUMPET FANFARE PLAYS TRUMPET FANFARE PLAYS Welcome to a magnificent journey... into the past. This is Medieval Times! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Go! Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Are you prepared for a night of feasting and sport... the likes of which you will never forget? the likes of which you will never forget? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yes! I charge you to stand up and cheer for your section's knight. Let the games begin! The blue knight rules; the red knight sucks the big one. You're goin' down, red knight. Down, down, down. Red knight goin' down, down, down, down. Red knight goin' down. SWORDS CLANG Spite 'im! Can I get a knife and fork? There were no utensils in medieval times, hence there are no utensils AT Medieval Times. But there was Pepsi? Dude, I got a lot of tables. Can I have your skin? Can I have your skin? Sure. Can I have your skin? Sure. Check this out. Silence... of the Lambs. Hello, Clarice, it's good to see you again. Oh Lord. I want you to know that this has nothing to do- Oh Lord. I want you to know that this has nothing to do- Ssshh. We have reached the climax of our competition, good people. And now two noblemen from our audience will battle to the death... to resolve a grievance. Will a Master Steven M Kovacs and a Lord Chip Douglas make your way to the fighting pit? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Let's go. What's going on? What's going on? It appears we're going to do battle. Is this a normal part of the show? Is this a normal part of the show? No. But I give all the knights free cable. They said it'd be cool if we just went at it for a while. They said it'd be cool if we just went at it for a while. Is it safe? Sure. That's what the armour's for. TRUMPET FANFARE PLAYS We've got to be careful we don't hurt each other, right? I cannot listen to any of your instructions, for you are my sworn enemy and about to meet your demise. OK, just take it easy, all right? OK, just take it easy, all right? (ROARS) Nice move. Necessity is the mother of invention. (HOOTS) Come back here so that I may brain thee. Ow! (GROANS) My leg! I have a cramp. I have a cramp. Are you all right? I am now. CLANG! Oh my God! That's the spirit. Let's give 'em a show. (GRUNTS LIKE A BULL) (SCREAMS) I'm blinded! My eyes! (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) I don't believe you. It's another trick. Ooh, that's how it's gonna be, huh? All right, you want to play rough? Daddy can play rough. Like when Spock had to fight Kirk on Star Trek: best friends forced to do battle. (SINGS DRAMATIC MUSIC) (MAKES FANCIFUL BATTLE NOISES) DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS FABRIC RIPS FABRIC RIPS Chip, this isn't funny. Will you stop it? The name is Spock. If we don't battle to the death they will kill us both. This isn't Star Trek. DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS Goodbye, Jim. (GIVES BATTLE ROAR) (GIVES BATTLE ROAR) (SCREAMS) CROWD ROARS AND CHEERS # Da-da-daa! # Good fight. Good fight. Eat! Keep eating. Quickly, master, atop your steed. Buddy, you get on the friggin' horse. I don't think he's kidding. Buddy, you get on the friggin' horse. I don't think he's kidding. HORSE WHINNIES Don't do this! Don't do this! Yah! Good luck to you! Good luck to you! This is our destiny! No, it's not. No, it's not. Yes, it is! No, it's not. Yes, it is! No, it isn't. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. No, it isn't. Is! Is! Isn't! Is! Is! Isn't! Is! Isn't! THWACK! (MOANS) You all right? You OK? Well done, good sir. You are the victor. But we will meet again. CROWD CHEERS Whoo! Oh yeah! Oh! Oh yeah! Oh! BONES CRACK Oh, did you hear that? You got a real warrior's instinct. I have to admit it's a real feeling of power holding that jousting stick. If Robin had seen you tonight she'd be begging you to take her back. We should go again next week. BEEPING BEEPING You have no messages. Nobody loves you. Oh, by the way, I think I left something in the living room. Can you check that out for me? What do you think? What is all this? It appears as if someone has updated your home entertainment system. I got you the big screen TV,... de luxe karaoke machine,... and THX-quality sound that would make George Lucas cream in his pants. and THX-quality sound that would make George Lucas cream in his pants. You got into my house? Well, how else was I supposed to get this stuff here? Osmosis? Well, how else was I supposed to get this stuff here? Osmosis? How much did this cost? Practically nothing. I have a connection. Preferred customer. I hook him up, he hooks me up. I can't accept this. I wouldn't feel right. I can't accept this. I wouldn't feel right. Why not? You give me something so much more valuable: friendship. You've given me friendship, so we're even. Don't take this personally, but you have to take all this stuff back. OK. Can I leave it here till Saturday? Sure. No problem. Hi, this is Robin Harris. Steven doesn't live here any more. He's at 555 3837. Hey, Robin, it's Steven. I'm still trying to reach you. Well, I'm at the office. Call me. Well, I'm at the office. Call me. KNOCK ON DOOR How's it goin? How's it goin? Good. How's it goin? Good. Good. Keep it up. It's your ass. INTERCOM BUZZES INTERCOM BUZZES It's Robin on line two. Hey, I had the best time the other night. When am I gonna get you on my sofa again? When am I gonna get you on my sofa again? Tonight's not lookin' too good. How about tomorrow? How about tomorrow? Chip. (LAUGHS) I knew I'd get you on the phone that way. Let's break the cherry on that karaoke machine. What does that mean? Tomorrow night, karaoke jam, your place. No ifs, ands or buts. Well, maybe a few butts. Big ones! # American woman, stay away from me. # American woman, mama, let me be. # Don't come a-hanging around my door... # I don't wanna see your face no more. # You're going on a date? I thought we had fun the other night You're going on a date? I thought we had fun the other night We did. But that doesn't mean we're officially back together. You said yourself, time apart is good. Yes, time apart from each other, but not with other people. That's time with someone else. That's time with someone else. Steven, I love you, but I gotta go Bye. DIAL TONE HUMS This is just a sign you need to live a little. She's havin' fun, you should too. She's havin' fun, you should too. Maybe you're right. She's havin' fun, you should too. Maybe you're right. You're damn right I'm right. Oh, almost forgot. I got you a little something. Oh, almost forgot. I got you a little something. I thought you said we were even. You're breaking the rules. You're breaking the rules. So, shoot me. You're breaking the rules. So, shoot me. What is it? Oooh, Dr Sweers. My brother thought it might help you with your lisp. My brother thought it might help you with your lisp. This is... There's not words. It's no big deal. It's no big deal. Yes, it is! Yes, it is. It is to me. Now I'm on a mission. This is gonna be the best damn karaoke jam ever. (GRUNTS TO MUSIC) (IMITATES ELECTRIC GUITAR) Whoo! You have some nice friends. You have some nice friends. They're just preferred customers. Whoa! Chick alert, 2 o'clock. What a liquorice. Don't look, don't look. Don't look, don't look. You're just playin' with me. Don't look, don't look. You're just playin' with me. Uh-uh. She's all over you... like a lampshade. like a lampshade. Shut up. THROUGH SMILE: I'd strike while the iron is hot, if I were you. He who hesitates nasturdates. Hey. I'm Steven. Heather. Can I get you a beer? Can I get you a beer? How about a tequila? All right. Hi, Rick. That's gonna be a good one. Thanks for accepting my invitation. Thanks for accepting my invitation. Steven invited me. Look at him. He's having a super time. He's changing, Rick. You're gonna have to learn to live with that. I don't know what your story is, Chip Douglas, but I wanna find out. Don't dig too deep. You might get burned by the molten lava. I'm outta here. # Rock on with your bad selves. # APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Thank you. Thank you very much. The soothing sounds of Raul, ladies and gentlemen. The soothing sounds of Raul, ladies and gentlemen. APPLAUSE Thanks. Thanks. You had honey in your voice tonight, Raul. Do a song for us. Do a song for us. Oh, no, I couldn't. No, I really couldn't. No, I really couldn't. AUDIENCE SHOUTS ENCOURAGEMENT All right, already. I fought the law, and the law won. You might recognise this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane... in a rockumentary called Gimme Shelter about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. Tonight, it's my turn. One, two, three! IMITATES GRACE SLICK: # When the truth is found... # to be lies. # And all the joy... # within you... dies. # Don't you want somebody to love? # Don't you need somebody to love? # Wouldn't you love somebody to love? # You better find somebody to love. # So, what do you do? So, what do you do? I can barely hear you. You want to talk in the other room? All right. # Yiiiiiii-iii! # Tears are runnin'... # runnin' down your breast. # And your friends, baby,... # they treat you like a guest. # Don't you want somebody to love? # Don't you need somebody to love? # I would really like somebody to love. # But it's hard to find somebody to love. # Your eyes, I say, your eyes,... # they look like his. # But in your head, baby, I'm afraid you don't know where it is. # Don't you want somebody to love? # Don't, don't, don't, don't you need somebody to love? # Wouldn't you love somebody to love? # You better find somebody to love. # (GASPS) (SINGS ONE VIBRATO NOTE) We just had a baby born on the left side of the party, ladies and gentlemen. We need an ambulance over by the scaffolding. (MAKES ODD NOISES) Yeah! CAMERA WHIRRS 'SOMEBODY TO LOVE' CONTINUES TO PLAY It's the summer of love, baby. Let's leave these two alone. Smile. That's gonna be a good one. (LAUGHS) Good morning, Mary Sunshine. And how are we today? I borrowed this sweatshirt. Hope you don't mind. Bacon and eggs comin' up. Bacon and eggs comin' up. Where did Heather go? I heard her leaving early this morning. You cad. What a night. That was just what I needed. What a night. That was just what I needed. I'll tell you something. You look like a new man. You look like a new man. I feel like a new man. I was gettin' so used to being rejected. You know, I really liked her. Hey, it was my treat. What do you mean it was your treat? You know, I bought this time, you buy next time. Don't let your eggs get cold. Don't let your eggs get cold. Buy what? What do you mean, 'Buy what'? The women. The wo- Do you mean Heather is a prostitute? Do you think a woman like that would hang out with us if we weren't paying? Oh my God. This can't be happening. Oh, hey, hey, hey. It's OK. She's totally clean. I checked her out about a week ago. Make sure she was top quality. And I'm healthy as a horse. Not a drip. Would you like some juice? Would you like some juice? You're kidding me, right? She's a friend of yours. You're just messing with my mind, right? She's a friend of yours. You're just messing with my mind, right? I wish I had friends like that. Get out of my house! Get out of my house! What are you so ashamed of? I know she was a working girl, but she kind of liked you. Just get out now. Robin will never forgive me. Don't tell her. You want her back? I'll help you get her back. You want her back? I'll help you get her back. I don't want your help. I just want you out of my apartment. And get this stuff out of here. I just want you out of my apartment. And get this stuff out of here. You need to ask yourself... why you're doing this. Cos I think you're starting to sabotage yourself. why you're doing this. Cos I think you're starting to sabotage yourself. Out, now. Everything was going so well. Why are you doing this, Steven? I made you breakfast, and we were eating, and... I made you breakfast, and we were eating, and... Out. Out! No, I'll fix this, Steven. I'll fix it. I can make it cool again. Out! This is just a speed bump, Steven. I'll make it better. 1 May I help you? May I help you? No, I'm meeting someone here. SHOES SQUEAK I apologise about last night. I came home from the gym and I just fell asleep. So, Gail tells me you're coming out of a relationship. That must be hard on you. Not really. We're just sort of in a holding pattern right now. Not really. We're just sort of in a holding pattern right now. Holding pattern? It sounds like you need to come down and refuel. You're sexy. You're sexy. What? You're sexy. What? You heard me. You've been workin' hard. Take a break. Excuse me, pardon me. What's the story with our chicken, man? What's the story with our chicken, man? Your chicken? Have the eggs hatched yet? Maybe you can check on it, my friend, if it's not too much trouble All right. I'm sorry to put you out. See the attitude? Unbelievable. I'm, like, hysterical now. What were we talking about? Your job, what's that like? Um, it's a little crazy right now. We're just sort of- Um, it's a little crazy right now. We're just sort of- Hold that thought for just a second. I need to use the head and I'll be right back. I want to find out about your job. I'm curious. Enjoy your meal. Enjoy your meal. Thank you. Good evening, sir. Good evening, sir. Hiya, Stretch. Pleasant night, isn't it? Yeah, not too bad. 'Course, the weather is always pleasant in here. The winters are remarkably mild. (LAUGHS) If you need anything, just let me know - anything at all. If you need anything, just let me know - anything at all. I think I got it under control. SOTTO VOCE: Unbelievable. SOTTO VOCE: Unbelievable. WHISPERS: It's no trouble, really. Man, what is your`? Ah! People rarely take advantage of all my services. Let me help you wash up. Cleanliness is next to godliness. You're on a big date. You'll need to look your best. That'll take care of the shine. Now, let's pluck those eyebrows. She loves me, she loves me not. She loves me, she loves me... not. Ow! (MUTTERS) (MAKES MONKEY NOISES) Oh, Andy. A touch of alfalfa. And boom-bam, we're ready to dry you off. And boom-bam, we're ready to dry you off. DING! Right into the buckle. That's gotta hurt, Gene. Suck it. Suck the air. From this angle you look just like Dizzy Gillespie. # Salt peanuts, salt peanuts. # Don't worry about the tip, but I've got one for you. Stay away from Robin. She's taken. Here's a bizarre story from downtown where a man was beaten by a bathroom attendant. The victim has been unable to speak since the attack. A police sketch artist put together this drawing. Tonight on UPN, the trial that's captured the nation ` everybody is waiting for the verdict... but you don't have to wait for the movie. You've always been such a cry-baby You've always been such a cry-baby Sammy, don't. You've always been such a cry-baby Sammy, don't. Look who's crying now. TV: GUNSHOT Eric Roberts is Sam and Stan Sweet in Brother, Sweet Brother: The Killing of Stanton Sweet. (RINGS DOORBELL) ROBIN: Who is it? > ROBIN: Who is it? > It's the cable guy. My cable's fine. > I have an upgrade order for one Robin Harris - every pay channel available. I have an upgrade order for one Robin Harris - every pay channel available. Well, I didn't order that. > Apparently, you have a secret admirer. Is it a man named Steven? Is it a man named Steven? I can't tell you that. Is it a man named Steven? I can't tell you that. Come on. No, I promised Steven I wouldn't say. Oh my goodness, look what I've done. You didn't hear it from me. Hold on. QUIETLY: Oopsy-daisy. GLASS TINKLES (SIGHS) That about does it. My work is done. OK. That was hot up there. So, are you a friend of Steven's? So, are you a friend of Steven's? I'm proud to say that I am. I recently installed his cable, and we just hit if off. We bonded. Are you guys going out a lot? Are you guys going out a lot? Mmm, not really. That guy is devoted to you. (SNIFFS) I'm probably crossing a boundary telling you this,... but he thinks you're the cat's pyjamas. He really does. but he thinks you're the cat's pyjamas. He really does. Did he say that? Only every five minutes. Frankly, I'm sick of hearing it. I'm just joking. He's a good man. He mentioned that you guys have... had some problems. He mentioned that you guys have... had some problems. Yeah. It's complicated. It always is. You know, I asked a woman to marry me once. She said she wanted to think about it. We agreed to take some time apart, reassess our feelings. You know, give each other space. Well, she's no longer with us. Oh, I'm sorry. Sometimes you don't know what you've got till it's gone. Promise me you'll never go bungee jumping in Mexico. I promise. Anyway,... I've said too much. < Well, thank you. Cherish him, Robin; every hair on his head. PHONE RINGS Hello. Hello. ROBIN: I love you. Robin? Robin? Yes. I love you, too. I love you, too. That was so sweet of you. Oh well... Oh well... You didn't have to do that. I wanted to. I wanted to. Giving me free cable. Only you would do something like that. Oh. I wanted to do something for you, but I was trying to give you space. Maybe we shouldn't be making rules any more. Maybe we shouldn't be making rules any more. OK. So, call me later if you're around Well, sure, I'll call you as soon as I get home. Well, sure, I'll call you as soon as I get home. Bye. Steven,... are you ready to rock? are you ready to rock? The concert! Oh Jesus. What? What? That was Robin. I think we're getting back together. So you're blowing me off? I can't believe this. I don't know why I put up with this any more. TYRES SQUEAL Don't be mad. Can't you get somebody else to go? Don't be mad. Can't you get somebody else to go? Yeah, maybe I'll take MY cable guy. MUSIC BLARES ON RADIO So, I'll call you later. Pretty smooth work. I set 'em up, you knock 'em down. What? Robin. I got her back for you. I juiced her up. How did you know we're together? How did you know we're together? Free cable is the ultimate aphrodisiac, Steven. I don't want you messing around with my life. I don't want you messing around with my life. I felt bad about the other night. I wanted to make it up to you. So, what are you doing? You want to catch a flick? Look,... I appreciate you helping me out with Robin. But you have to understand I'm going to have to work extra hard to not screw this relationship up again. I just don't have any room in my life for a new friend. OK? So,... what are you trying to say? So,... what are you trying to say? I don't want to be your friend. I appreciate your honesty. You're a real straight shooter. So you're all right? Hey, I'm a big boy. It's no big deal. Whatever. You're sure? You're sure? Uh-huh. I'm fine. (GULPS) < DOOR OPENS < DOOR CLOSES PHONE RINGS Robin Harris. Robin Harris. Hey, it's Chip Douglas. Chip Douglas? The cable guy. The cable guy. Oh. Hi. What's up? I feel kinda weird calling ya. It's just, er, I'm worried about Steven. I feel kinda weird calling ya. It's just, er, I'm worried about Steven. What is it? Well, something isn't right. He doesn't seem like himself lately. Have you noticed anything? No, actually, things are going really well. Good. That makes me feel better. Well, should I be worried? Well, should I be worried? Nope. I'm probably just being a nervous Nellie. Ha ha. Let's just keep our eyes open. Let's just keep our eyes open. All right. OK. OK. Bye. OK. Bye. Bye-bye. All right, I just want to put this out there. You did it. You took your cahonies and mine and you put them on the table and you slam dunked it. Now they're probably going to give him MY job. Psst. Steven. WHISPERS: I need to talk to you. WHISPERS: I need to talk to you. (MOUTHS) WHISPERS: I really need to talk to you. WHISPERS: I really need to talk to you. It can wait. Is there a Steven Kovacs in here? Ah... yeah. I'm Steven Kovacs. What's the problem? What's the problem? You're under arrest. What did he do? What did he do? Receipt of stolen property. What did he do? Receipt of stolen property. What? I don't know anything about` Do not speak until spoken to. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be used against you in a court of law. I didn't accept any stolen goods. (THINKS) CHIP: De luxe karaoke machine. Big screen TV. ...cream in his pants. (ECHOES) I can't believe you did this. I can't believe you did this. I didn't do anything. He gave you a big screen TV and a hi-fi system as a present? You expect me to believe that? It's true. Why would you accept such extravagant gifts? Why would you accept such extravagant gifts? I don't know. I shouldn't have. What's really going on here? Are you on something? The pot? What's really going on here? Are you on something? The pot? I'm fine! I didn't do anything. Just call my cable guy. The police say nobody named Chip Douglas works for The Cable Company. This can't be happening. This can't be happening. It is, and it's killing your mother. When can you get me out of here? When can you get me out of here? Unfortunately, there's no time to get a bail hearing today. You're going to have to spend the weekend in county lock-up. Yo! We've got a pretty boy. > Yo! We've got a pretty boy. > Shut up. PRISONERS SHOUT GIBES Allow me to introduce myself, homeboy. They call me 'the Pumper'. I'll be your friend. Lock down. Did you hear anything? Hello, Steven. I came as soon as I could. What's your real name? What's your real name? It's Larry Tate. But that's not what's important now. We have to get you out of here. I was watching Court TV. I'm going to talk to the judge about a writ of habeas corpus. Why are you doing this to me? Why are you doing this to me? YOU did this to you. You set me up. You set me up. No. I taught you a lesson. I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter. I'm just here to comfort you. Come on. Touch it. Come on. Touch it. Huh? Come on. You need human contact. Touch it. Come on. You need human contact. Touch it. I will not touch it. What are you doing? Stop it. Stop it! I know how you're feeling right now. I know how you're feeling right now. Stop it. Stop it. Don't do that. I'm here for you. Don't do that. Jesus Christ, you're going to get me killed. Oh, Billy. (SOBS) I'm just messing with ya. Ha ha ha. Remember Midnight Express? Oliver Stone won the Academy Award for Best Screenplay. Awesome scene. Guard, this is the man who framed me. Arrest him. Hey, Bernie, how's that sports package? All right! By the way, don't worry about Robin. I'll make sure she's well taken care of. If you go near her I'll kill you. That's it. Come on. Let's go. > This concludes our broadcast day. Click. You bet you've been blowing me off. You bet you've been blowing me off. This guy's doing a number on me. I told you not to hang out with him. I told you not to hang out with him. You told me to offer him money. Did I tell you to have a karaoke jam with him? Rick, I'm out on bail. OK, I'll see if I can get my friend in research to track him down. He calls himself Larry Tate. But he told me his name is Chip Douglas. Chip Douglas. Chip Douglas. Why does that sound so familiar? Are you OK? Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine. Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine. I know that you're not fine. I just want to get this over with. I hate visiting my parents. Is this guy cool? > I'm joking. Come on in, you psycho. What is he doing here? What is he doing here? I invited him. What is he doing here? I invited him. When? At lunch the other day. At lunch the other day. You had lunch with him? You look great. You look great. And you are a vision. Hello, Steven. You look rested. Come here. Come here. What's wrong? I'm sensing some weird energy. Because I just got out of jail where you sent me. I should take you to the police. You can if you like, but I'd hate to have to show Robin this. You can if you like, but I'd hate to have to show Robin this. Bastard! Come on, Steven. Let's just have a good time tonight. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER So Steven is carrying this battleaxe and he's chasing me like a madman. So I said to him, 'Hey, it's just a show. What are you trying to prove?' He has always taken things too seriously. Tell me something I don't know. The guy almost took my head off. Tell me something I don't know. The guy almost took my head off. RAUCOUS LAUGHTER Porno Password is the adult version of the popular television game show. Robin, you're on my team. Steven, you're with Mom. Pick a word. FAMILY SNIGGERS WHISPERS: The password is... vagina. I don't want to play this game. I don't want to play this game. Oh, come on, Steven. I don't want to play this game. Oh, come on, Steven. Oh. Woman. Woman. Woman. Ah, man? Woman. Ah, man? No. Penis. Penis. Penis. (LAUGHS) Peeee-nis. Vagina? Vagina? Yes! Vagina? Yes! Yeah! Yes! FAMILY LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS FAMILY LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS She got vagina. She got vagina. I would have said schlong. Now we're starting to get this. (GIGGLES) SNIGGERING The password is... nipple. Can I pass? Can I pass? FATHER: Come on, Steven. Don't be a stick in the mud. > Breast. Breast. Tit? RAUCOUS LAUGHTER OK, remember his clue? Hard... Erection? Erection? No. But thanks for noticing. HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER < Your turn. Centre. Centre. Centre! Nipple? Nipple? CHEERING Nipple? CHEERING That's it! She got it. Mom. The password is... I'm not quite sure how to say this. You know that little thing... No! I can't say that to my mother. I can't say that to my mother. Hey, she's a grown woman. No, I won't do it. I don't want to play any more. It's just skin, Steven. No, I've had enough. I'm not playing Porno Password with him. Steven, you're overreacting. Steven, you're overreacting. I'm not. You're all being fooled by him. He's a lunatic and a felon. Whoa! Everybody relax. We knew this was going to happen. Nothing is happening. Nothing is happening. This is a safe place. You're with people who love you, right, everyone? ALL: Yes, we love you. ALL: Yes, we love you. I hate you! Get out of my life! He's projecting all of his anger on to me. I should go. No, don't go. Steven, you're being an asshole. What? What? Right now you're hitting bottom. You stay away from me. You stay away from me. Come on, now. This is where the healing begins. Come on. Come on. Robin showed me the birthmark on her left shoulder. It's very sexy. Ohh! Ohh! SHOCKED CRIES What the hell is wrong with you, man? Thank you for the delightful evening, everyone. I guess I'll be leaving now. I forgive you. I only hope my neurologist will feel the same. Did anybody notice I'm late? What are you talking about? You've been here for an hour. How's Hal? How's Hal? Don't get me started. That man has no vision. It's like working for Mr Magoo. If only somebody in corporate would wise up and dump Hal. Those hair plugs. It's just so awful to look at. Hair plugs... Hair plugs... Hair plugs... Hair plugs... Hair plugs... Hair plugs... Oh shit. If only someone in corporate would wise up and dump Hal. He's utterly useless. He's utterly useless. (PANTS) I don't... I don't hate you. Hair plugs... Hair plugs... Get out. Hair plugs... Hair plugs... CAR ALARM SOUNDS SEVERAL CAR ALARMS SOUND Chip? Chip. This isn't funny. Where are you? CHIP WHISPERS: If you build it, he will come. PHONE RINGS Hello? Hello? Bingo! My Three Sons. Chip and Ernie Douglas. I got a list here of every cable installer fired in the last four years. Murray Slaughter. George Jetson. Jean-Luc Picard. There's even the Big Ragoo. Carmine, from Laverne & Shirley. Carmine, from Laverne & Shirley. That's so sad that you know that. Anyway, The Cable Company fired a guy six months ago named Darrin Stephens. You may remember his boss, Larry Tate, from a little show called Bewitched. So he doesn't even work for The Cable Company. Yahtzee! They booted his ass for stalking customers. He's deeply troubled. If I were you, I'd lock up tight. TV: New developments in the Sam Sweet trial. The jury notifies the judge they're close to a verdict. We'll keep you updated. We'll keep you updated. CHANNEL SWITCHES The day started real nice here, but the moisture is increasing... DOORBELL BUZZES < Cable guy. THUMPING ON DOOR THUMPING ON DOOR IRRITABLY: Cable guy! DOORBELL BUZZES < ANGRILY: Cable guy! < ANGRILY: Cable guy! THUMPING ON DOOR CABLE GUY! THUMP! Hi-ya-ya! THUMP! Arrrrgh! (SOBS) OK, I'm going. I'm taking off. (STOMPS FEET) LOUDNESS OF STOMPING GRADUALLY DECREASES LOUDNESS OF STOMPING GRADUALLY DECREASES FAINTLY: See ya. Arrrrrrrrrgh! I just want to hang out. NO BIG DEAL! (GROWLS) Arrrrrrrgh! Arrrrrrrgh! PHONE RINGS Hello? Hello? What a shame. We could have been blood brothers. But you're too needy. It's a real turn-off. Ask Robin. Rick told me that you were fired from The Cable Company. Can you hold on a second? I have call waiting. Beep. (HUMS 'GIRL FROM IPANEMA') Ba-da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da-da. Aaaaah. Knock it off. I know it's you. Knock it off. I know it's you. Beep. Sorry about that. Where was I? There must be something we can do to work this out. I wish there was. I'm just so tired, Steven. So very tired. So very tired. Can't we talk in person? Where are you? I'd LOVE to chat... but I'm getting together with a lady friend. You might know her. You might know her. Stay away from her! Goodbye, Steven. Click. TYRES SQUEAL Robin! (RINGS DOORBELL) Robin! Robin! She just left with a man from The Cable Company. Do you know where they were going? Do you know where they were going? He said they were going to go for a ride on the information superhighway The future is now! Ha ha ha. Soon every home will integrate their television, phone and computer. You'll visit the Louvre on one channel or watch mud-wrestling on another. You can do your shopping at home or play Mortal Kombat with your friend in Vietnam. I want to go home now. I'm worried about Steven. Steven. Steven. (LAUGHS) She's missing Steven. (LAUGHS MANIACALLY) Help! Help! Robin? Where are you? Steven. I'm coming. Help me! Help me! Hang on. THUNDER RUMBLES Steven, look out! Yes, Steven. Look out! Grrrrr. Ha ha ha! 'Dry land is not a myth. 'I've seen it!' Kevin Costner. Waterworld. Leave him alone! I don't know what all the fuss is about. I saw that movie six times. It ruled! (GASPS FOR AIR) (GASPS FOR AIR) Isn't it funny that we ended up in this position? Ugggh! Ow. Ohhhh! Ha ha ha ha. You're going to have to do better than that, Steven. Steven. Steven. Ssss. My lisp is gone! LISPS: You stupid son of a bitch. Stop it! Steven! Steven! I'm coming. THUNDER RUMBLES You know, the trouble with real life is there's no danger music. # Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da. # Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da. # Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da. # Woo-pee doo. # SIRENS WAIL Oh, nice jump, Spiderman. Oh God. SIRENS WAIL Uh-oh. Steven called the fuzz! # Bad boys. Bad boys. What ya gonna do? # Could you scooch over just a tad. Thanks. (FIRES STAPLES) Oh, here comes our hero. OK, easy. It didn't have to be this way. It didn't have to be this way. Well, what are you planning to do? I don't really have a plan as such. I'm pretty much going moment to moment right now. You've gotta admit, it's a pretty cool place for an ending. You've gotta admit, it's a pretty cool place for an ending. An ending to what? Like that movie GoldenEye. Like that movie GoldenEye. No, it's not like anything. This isn't a movie. This is reality. This is reality. LOUDSPEAKER: This is the police. This is a restricted area. I just wanted to be your friend. But I screwed it up. You are in a restricted area. What's that? What's that? Move to the centre of the platform. Come again. Oh, I see. You want me to quieten down and chill out in front of the TV for a while. Is that it? (LAUGHS) You were never there for me, were you, Mother? You expected Mike and Carol Brady to raise me. I'm the bastard son of Clair Huxtable. I am the lost Cunningham! I learned the facts of life from watching The Facts of Life. Oh God. Oh. STAPLER CLANGS ON METAL That's it. That's what I have to do. Yep. Yep. No, no, no. Don't do that. No, come down from there. We-We'll all go out together - have a Heineken. We-We'll all go out together - have a Heineken. < Yeah. I'm not thirsty any more. See ya. NO! You're not going anywhere! It's OK. I understand my purpose now. Don't do this. You just need help. We all get lonely. Yeah, but I get REALLY lonely. I mean, look at me. Come on! You'll be fine. I'll be your pal. Just come on up. No. It's too late for me. But there are a lot of little cable boys and girls out there who still have a chance. Don't you understand, Steven? Somebody has to kill the babysitter. (SIGHS) This is the moment America has been waiting for. The jury- The jury has notified the judge- They are handing the verdict back to the clerk- We are live. The jury is seated and the verdict in the Sam Sweet- They're getting ready to read it. This is real life. Sam Sweet himself in the case of California v Sweet- Samual Jacob Sweet has been found- THUMP! THUMP! SILENCE THUMP! SILENCE STATIC ON TELEVISIONS STATIC ROARS STATIC STATIC STATIC STUNNED SILENCE STATIC Help. Help. STATIC Preferred customer, my ass! (SWITCHES TV OFF) ELECTRICITY SPARKS (GROANS) Phew. Squad 51. Squad 51. Man down. Possible back injury. Dixie, we're going to need an IV. Check vital signs. Administer a drip. Prepare to defibrillate. Clear! HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRR SIREN WAILS Wait. You two are gonna be just fine. Take care of him, Robin. > You never told me your real name. You still... wanna know my name? Yeah. It's... Ricardo. Ricky Ricardo. IMITATES DESI ARNAZ: Ha ha ha. Baby Lu. I'm just messing with ya. (COUGHS) (GROANS) Let's go home. Hang in there, pal. You're gonna make it, buddy. Hey,... am I really your buddy? Yeah, sure you are. Captions by Jane Wrigglesworth, Fiona Jamieson and Christine Ody. Edited by Glen Moffatt. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015