Hello. This is Sandy Patterson. WOMAN (over phone): Yes, Mr. Patterson. I'm Janine from the Fraud Protection Department of Identi-vault Credit Monitoring Service. We're calling today because, unfortunately, it appears that someone has attempted to steal your identity. -Are you kidding me? -Gosh, I wish I were. We did catch this in time, however, but I do suggest you taking advantage of our free total protection plan, which safeguards your credit rating against theft and fraud. Yes, please, if it's free, absolutely. I went for this plan myself. Mr. Patterson, I'm going to need to verify some information from you. I'm going to need your full name, date of birth and Social Security number, please. SANDY: Sure, understood. Here it comes. # Live fast, die young. Bad girls do it well. # Live fast, die young. Bad girls do it well. # Live fast, die young. Bad girls do it well. # My chain hits my chest when I'm banging on the dashboard. # My chain hits my chest when I'm banging on the radio. # Get back. # Pull me closer if you think you can hang. # Hands up. # Hands tied. What can I get for you? I'm going to have a melon ball and, uh... and some tequila. And let's start a tab. You got it. (chuckles) And keep it open. My friends can't make it. Here I am, stuck with all these premium tequila shots, so... (laughs) That's what we're drinking. No. -My name's Sandy. -Hi, Sandy. -Cheers! -Cheers! -Okay, cheers. Mmm! Let's get another round. -(cheering) -CROWD: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! (cheering) Another round on me! (cheering) Sandy! Sandy! -Who the hell is she? -Who cares? She's buying free drinks. Sandy! Sandy! Sandy! Let's go! When I say Sandy, you say Patterson. -Sandy! -Patterson! -Sandy! -Patterson! Who wants another drink? -WOMAN: We do! -You do? -(bottle breaks) -BARTENDER: Enough! No more! Ma'am, get down. Who here wants to see me swing on that chandelier? (crowd cheering) No, no, no! You can't be up there! I'm sorry. I can't hear you. Uh, yeah, yeah, you can hear me because you're answering me. Oh, I didn't hear that, either. -(cheering) -Here we go, bitches! Ma'am, you got to get down! (grunting) -(thud) -(crowd groans) Oh, shit. -(sudden gasp) -(patrons gasp) (whooping) (cheering) (whooping) Sandy! Sandy! Sandy! No, it's over! Show's over, okay? You, you're out of here. -You're done. Come on. -No. You're out of here. Go back behind the bar and serve me more drinks for my friends. These aren't your friends, okay? They like you because you're buying them drinks. People like you don't have friends. -(choking) -MAN: Hey. Shit. (siren whooping) I think we're really hitting it off. -(officer sighs) -Don't you? Sandy Patterson. That's me. You're under arrest for assault and public intoxication. I don't think that's accurate. -Blow into this. -Oh, my pleasure. (sighs) How'd I do? (shoes squeaking, heels clicking) WOMAN: Huh. Look at that. Happy birthday, Sandy Patterson. Shit. All right, cheese. There it is. Happy birthday, Sandy Patterson. -GIRLS: Happy birthday, Daddy. -Thank you, thank you all for coming. -(laughs) -GIRL: Make a wish. Here we go. Bravo. That's great-- one lungful. I made you this, Daddy. Thank you. Look at that. -Did you see that, Mommy? -I did. It looks very expensive. Did you steal it? -This looks very expensive. -(girl giggles, squeals) You little thief. You know what happens to thieves? Huh? Let me tell you what happens to a thief. You go... This is your punishment. Be careful! -Just the face! -Honey! -There it is. -No! -That's what you get. -(laughing): Oh, my gosh. Do you see? Don't steal things. All right, let's get a knife. -Honey! -I want to start on this. Come on. Not on your birthday. After rent, utilities, gas and phone, we saved a little this month. -Ooh. How much? -$14.03. Half of that's mine, you know. You're welcome. What about your bonus? They got cancelled again. It's the financial industry. I can't exactly argue things are going well. You're going to get promoted. Mm-hmm. You're going to. It's fine. We're fine. I know. We are pregnant, though. I'm pregnant. Look at me. We're fine. Until braces and college and weddings and... Maybe this one's a boy and we can... we can send him to work, like, in a mine. Yeah. Oh. I have one more present for you to unwrap. Oh. Why don't we...? Let's go... let's go... let's go to a room. I rented a room in the back. (laughing) (horn beeping) (upbeat rock music) Patterson. -Hi. Good morning. -Morning. Hey. Did I ask you to pay for the Westfield sweep account -under the holding corp? -Yeah. Shit. It was supposed to be... I did it both ways. I had a feeling. I knew you would. You're the best, Patterson. -Sandy. -Yeah. Cornish wants you in his office. -Hey, cheese dick. -Cheese...? Me? I want to talk to you. You have a minute? -Yeah. Hi. -So, what you been up to? Oh, just... just got here, actually. -Uh-uh. I got the thing. -Oh, you got the thing? Well, we can go... (stammers) Okay, I'll see you then. You process all the in-house accounts, right? -I do. -I need you to, um... cut some bonus checks for me. -Bonus checks! We have not... -(muttering) Oh, that's great. We have not had them for three years. -I heard we weren't getting them again. -Yes... Yeah, it's not a company-wide bonus, though. It's a, uh... it's only on the partner level. -It's for retention. -Not for us. who are all partners, but the retention program is to keep the entire company healthy. Oh, this is great news. I don't understand the tone of your voice. You're acting like it's a... No, no, I was just so excited 'cause we haven't had bonuses for three years. Company's doing well, I thought maybe this was the day. Okay, just because Harry Cornish gets a bonus doesn't necessarily mean that Peterson... -What's your first name, Peterson? -It's Sandy Patterson. -Was that rough? -The first name is, uh... No, it's-it's... Sandy Koufax, um... Oh, right. Yeah. My dad was a big ball fan. Uh, let me go -cut this checks... -(laughing) -You watch baseball? -It just sounded funny the way you said it. Um, I'll leave that one alone. It's your dad. (laughs) -Oh, yeah, no. -Seriously, though, what is it exactly that you do? I manage the in-house accounts, sir. So, essentially, you do what the program that my wife uses, called Quicken, does. -Well... -You put numbers in boxes. You could train a baboon to do it-- if you had to. People like me are important. We bring the money in and pay people like you with it, you understand? You know what? I'm going to get you a copy of "The Fountainhead." You're gonna read it. You're gonna understand why this is good for everybody. (sighs) Man. (cell phone ringtone playing) -(beep) -Sandy Patterson. WOMAN (over phone): Hello, Sandy. I'm Jeanette from Lady's Choice Salon. I'm calling to confirm your appointment for this Friday at 3:00. Sorry, you've got the wrong number. Oh, is this Sandy Bigelow Patterson? Yeah, but... 407-- where is that? Okay, you... you've got Denver here. How did you dial this number? WOMAN: Well, you didn't leave one when you made the appointment, so we Googled you. I see. Well, you've got the wrong... Sorry, buddy. Can you meet me in the parking garage? Level 7B. -Sure. -Thanks. (tyres screeching in distance) (indistinct chatter) Hey. He's here. What's this? What's going on? Is everything all right? You like getting fucked? 'Cause that is what's happening upstairs. Aren't you sick of getting fucked by Cornish? Yeah, I-I'm a little sore. (chuckles) We don't like it, either. That's why we're leaving. We're starting our own firm. We're taking all our clients. -Come with us. -Come with you? Sandy, you're the best at what you do. -Mm-hmm. -You'd be a VP. You'll have your own office. What are you making right now? I make 50. How about 250? (chuckles softly) (cheering and applause) (speaking quietly) What?! BOY: Go, go, go! (grand music) Oh, boy, that's nice. (gasps) That looks good. That looks good. I lost my wedding ring. Shh. 15 years of marriage. Can you believe that? May I see your I.D.? Mm-hmm. Yes, you can. Sandy Bigelow Patterson. We just got married back in St. Paul. Yeah. Howard's a surgeon. So he fixes smiles. (women laughing) Yeah, he's kind of the big guy, you know, for teeth. My friends took me out for my birthday. They made a big deal out of me turning 30. I was like, "30, what? No way." I mean, I hit... I hit it pretty hard in my 20s, so... Do you like to hit it hard? You do... I bet you do. I bet you can hit that... so hard. There we go. Okay. Let's get them off it. (chair buzzes quietly) -Ma'am? Ma'am. -(snoring) -(snorts) -MAN: Aah! -What the fuck? Ma'am, your card was declined. Oh, yeah. Here, use this one. That one's done. Great. (electronic chiming) (beep) (exhales) (man speaking Spanish) Hi. Good morning. Something wrong with pump five. It's not taking my card. Thanks. (speaking Spanish) (clears throat) (speaking Spanish) You don't pay your bills, man. -I got to cut the card. -"Cut the card." No, no. I absolutely pay my bills. Run it one more time. -Nothing wrong with that card. -That's not what it says right here. -I don't care what the screen says. Maybe it's broken. I'll go somewhere else. You're not cutting that card. Cutting the card? That's ridiculous. -Tell you what, I'll go somewhere else. -Somewhere else? -You're not cutting the card. -Look, that's my papi. -Yeah, I get it. -Okay, he owns this store. -Okay. -He says cut the card. -Senor... -If you don't pay your bills... -My bills are paid. -Oh, your bills are paid. -I got to cut the card. -So put the scissors down. Do not cut that card. Do not cut the card... I'm going to cut the card. I just cut the card. -Go pay your bills, Randy. -It's Sandy. Sandy? Es un nombre de mujer. (high-pitched): Mi nombre es Sandy! Yo soy Sandy! SANDY: How's my credit exceeded? WOMAN: Well, Mr. Patterson, your balance is $12,243.67. That's absurd. That's... I use the card for... for gas and for coffee. WOMAN: I'm showing $4,345 from Great Beyond Water Sports. I'll stop you there, because I've never heard of that place. Great Beyond Water Sports? Nope, I've never been there. And that was this morning? I-I just left the house. Except for the-the gas station that I went to, where my card got chopped in half by an angry man in a glass box, okay? So, first things first, I need a fresh card in the mail. And, Loretta, I need you on the stick to unscrew me. This is... this is clearly on your end. This is not me. Or I'll fix it. Where's... where's the surf shop? LORETTA: Well, sir, it's in Winter Park, Florida. Florida? I'm in Colorado, you know, so... -(siren whoops) -So, there's... (sighs) -Damn it. -LORETTA: Excuse me? Uh... unbelievable. I got to call you back. -(siren whoops) -OFFICER (over P.A.): Driver. -Sorry. -Pull the vehicle to the side of the road. WOMAN (over radio): NCIC is 10-29F. Use caution. Step out of the vehicle, Mr. Patterson. Okay, coming out of the vehicle for hands-free? That seems just a little bit excessive. Um... -Mr. Patterson, you're under arrest. -Under arrest? -You have the right to remain silent. -Whoa, whoa. Hey, hey. and will be used against you in a court of law. MAN: The arresting officer ran your license through the NCIC. You were booked for felony assault two weeks ago in Florida. What?! No, I wasn't. What are you talking about? -I've never been to Florida. -You've never been to Florida? No, sir, I... This whole morning... Well, hang on a second. -Was it Winter Park, Florida? -See, that's good, that's good. We're dropping the whole "there's been a mistake" thing. No, no, no, I got it now. Listen, I got a phone call... Problem is, Mr. Patterson, is that you missed your court date three days ago in Florida... -Officer, let me just explain... -...and the judge has issued a warrant for your arrest. -Yeah... -So, what we're going to do is we're going to go ahead and ship you back down to Florida. -Sir... -You can work on your tan. -Yeah, listen. You're not listening. -Sit down. Sorry. There's a person that has my same name that is doing things in Florida. This guy is making, uh, salon appointments, he's buying, uh, beach equipment, my... he's maxing out my credit card. Are you Sandy Bigelow Patterson, born May 18, 1974? -That is you, correct? -That's me. Yeah, that's it, but it's not me doing this stuff. It's... I've never even been to the state. How can I be in Florida? (button clicks) Call Winter Park PD. Pull the mug shot. Okay, uncuff him. Uncuff me. Ah, that's great! Can I see? Whoa. -Yeah. -Is that a woman? If I had to guess, it's the woman that stole your identity. Obviously taking advantage of the fact that you have a female name. Oh, it's not female. It's, uh, unisex. When you say stole my identity, do you mean credit card fraud? Oh, no, no, it's a lot worse than that. See, what happens is they get a hold of your name, your birthday, Social Security, and then they run up debt, get arrested, commit crimes as you. What do you do now? You go down, you go get her? Oh, no... no, no, see, we don't "go get" anyone. Let me walk you out. See, we're Denver PD. All we do is open and close the case. then Seattle PD would investigate. Your mobile company's in Ohio, then Cleveland PD handles that. Then so on and so forth, for every single theft. Well, hang on, h-how long does all this take? About six months to a year. A year? Yeah. So why don't you go ahead and just leave your contact information with this gentleman here. You might want to hold on to this mug shot in case you may need it. Great, okay. Listen, I'm gonna need this solved a whole lot quicker than a year, Detective. Okay, listen, I understand that this is really frustrating for you, but our percentage rate in solving these cases is pretty high. That's garbage. We'll be in touch with you, Sandy. Patterson? Sorry. I, uh, had a hell of a morning. -Listen to this... -Can you explain this to me? What do you got? No, no, no, no, no, no. You defaulted on six credit cards? No, I didn't, actually. -You did. -No. You have nine other delinquencies. This is what my morning's been all about. -Yeah, no... -Dude, you have a warrant out for your arrest. This is a financial institution. How am I supposed to give you access to $5 billion in funds? My identity's been stolen. I was at the police station all morning. Don't worry about it, though. I'm gonna get on the phone, gonna clean it up. They can run my credit tomorrow and it's gonna be fine, okay? Um... -Those are cops! -That's my guy. This is the detective that's handling my case. Hi. Just filling my boss in on our situation. Did you find her? Do you have some good news? No, no, I'm sorry, we don't have any good news. Soon after you left, we got a call from Orlando Metro. They just busted a narcotics dealer named Paolo Gordon. Your name and your credit cards turned up in connection with the investigation. Ah, that's... (anxious laugh) One of my colleagues spoke to your former employer, -Mr. Harold Cornish... -Yeah. ...and he said, in fact, that you are a drug dealer. (wry laugh) That's... Well, he's a fucking liar. I've got a warrant to search the premises. -For drugs. -Oh. And guns. -And guns. -This is a waste of time. -I understand... -It's not me. It's the woman in the picture. Just doing my job. -I need to put that out. -Okay. (sighs) Okay, guys, let's... Okay. We're done. You can let your employees back in now. -Thank you. -So, no Oxy? No, no Oxy. Did you find my weapons? I'm not an idiot, Mr. Patterson. Okay? I know almost certainly it's the woman in Florida. -Yeah. -But until we know for sure that you didn't do this, it's an open investigation. For narcotics. Let me walk you out. We're gonna have to talk about our options. I know where she is! Hey! I know exactly where she's gonna be tomorrow afternoon. If I tell you, you can tell the Winter Park Police Department, they can grab her, and we're done. No, no, it doesn't work like that. -Why not? -Well, they'd have to bring her up on local charges first. I mean, pretty much be about a year before we get a shot at her. I mean, she'd have to be standing right here to do you any good. That's the new standard of police work? -I mean, the criminal's got to be standing right in front of you? -Have a good day. Hang on, hang on. If they, if they won't bring her here, what if I bring her here? What if somehow I get her here and I put her right in front of you, she gives you a full statement and owns up to everything? Th-Then we'd be done, wouldn't we? Well, I wouldn't recommend that, Mr. Patterson. You see, criminals generally just don't volunteer confessions to policemen. All right, what about this? What about if I ask her to talk to you? Because she cost me my job, and I want to get my job back. And in return, I don't press any charges. She doesn't have to worry about me, that there's no cops, but that... but there are cops. (laughs): That's ridiculous. No, no, no. This sort of thing tends to work pretty well. -Right? And we do have enough for an eavesdrop warrant. Those are your words. I'm just looking for -a little bit of time. -We don't have time. I'm supposed to put everything on hold? We have clients! Listen, I gave up everything because I believe in you. Just believe in me. Come on, you know me. Come on, Daniel. -I'll give you one week. -Really? -But that's it. -That's all I need. Thank you. One week, Patterson! I'm calling to confirm my wife's appointment for tomorrow at 3:00. Thank you. Uh, she ended up making the appointment. I didn't realize that she's gonna be in the area. And, uh, anyway, I-I need your address, because she lost it. Okay. Got it. Thank you. We'll see you tomorrow at 3:00. Bye-bye. Okay, I've got cash for the plane ticket, I've got my sock money. Did you call the cab? -Don't do this. -Don't start this again. This is not, this is not who we are. -You're not Batman. -Do not unpack this. Please, I can't refold all this stuff. -Do you even know how to use those? -It's just in case. -Where did those come from? It is my only opti... It is our only option. Let me see the picture of her again. Make you feel better to see that? Uh-huh. Yeah. She's not dangerous. That number right there is her height. It's hobbit height. I'm going after Bilbo. (chuckles) But I can't do it without your support. Okay? Please trust me. Thank you. All goes well, I'll be right back here tomorrow night. Also, I borrowed your anxiety pills, 'cause I might have to coax her onto the airplane. Oh, good. Okay, that's fine, 'cause why would I need those right now? I'll call you when I land, okay? Good-bye, you guys. Daddy, the TV's broken. Oh, well, you know. Come here. Some things are broken, but only for a few days. That's why I have to go on this trip to pretty much the worst place in America. But Daddy's gonna fix these problems. When I get back, it's all gonna perfect. I promise, okay? You guys are going to bed. Do some drawing, and then PJs. Good-bye. Go get this bitch. Roger. (Cher Lloyd's 'Swagger Jagger') # You can't stop shoutin' at me, # Callin' at me, be what I be. # You can't stop Youtube-ing me on repeat, runnin' this beat. # You can't stop. It's funny to me. I'm laughin' all the way. # Get on the floor. # Get` Get` Get on the floor. # Get` Get` Get` Get on the floor. # -Get` Get` Get` Get on the floor. -Ooh. # I` I` I got it in check. # (engine revving) Okay. (engine revving) (tyres screeching) Hm. Okay. (groaning): Oh. Oh... Oh, my neck. Oh, man, I taste blood. Oh, geez. Oh, my neck. My neck got it. Sorry about that. I didn't assume you were gonna come to a full stop in the middle of a highway. A badger, huh? Yeah. Oh, my God. My fibromyalgia's just shooting down my spine. Geez Louise. No, this is totally my fault. Why don't-- You got your license on you? Why don't we swap information? We can get the insurance companies involved. I guess that's what it comes to. I hate to tell you, but that's... that's a custom paint job. Thank you. You know, if it's okay with you, I'm okay and I'm cool with just doing cash. Yeah, cash would be a lot easier, wouldn't it, Sandy Bigelow Patterson? -Yeah. -Bigelow is such a rare name. Well, it's a family name, you know. It, uh, goes back to the Mayflower. -Is that right? -Yeah. Jeremiah Bigelow. You maybe have heard of him. Pretty-pretty prominent bear hunter. -Sounds brave. -Kind of a big deal. Here's my license with my name right there. Sandy Bigelow Patterson. Gotcha. (retching) Ow! Not my hair, you fuck! You're not going anywhere. Get out of the car! Out! Keep it! (groaning, gasping) Took the lift out of the crown! Fucking just had it done! (Sandy groans in pain) (engine starts) (tyres screeching) (tyres screeching) No, no, no, no, no! Are you crazy?! What are you doing?! You're looking for these? You're not gonna find them. Stupid! See you, Sandy! (grunts) (cell phone ringtone playing) -Oh, come on. Hi. No, great time. What's going on, honey? We just got a call from a debt collector from Fiat Automotive. They said we're behind on some payments. A call from a, uh, from a debt collector, huh? I guess she bought herself a car. Well, honey, that is just, um... You sound really weird. Are you sure you're okay? Yeah, I'm good. (sighs): Okay. Let's see what kind of crap you have in your bag, Sandy Patterson. Here you go. DRIVER: Thanks. Ooh, nice. Ding-dong! -Shit. -Put it down. Now, we're gonna have a little chat. -Okay. -Okay? And we can do it the hard way, or we can do it the easy way. I'd like to pick the easy way. Get over here and give me your wrists. (sighs): Yeah. Okay. Now, I have a plan... (gasping) Oh! Shit! -I'm a lady, you fucking animal! -Give me your wrist! -Stop fighting me. -Fucking... Yeah, I'll fight anyone. You like that? You like that? How about that? You like hitting girls? Sandy? Hit you in the tits, Sandy! -Stay down! Stay down! -You like this?! Shit! Shit, shit. Ow! Ha! Stay down. You threw like a fucking girl. Now, once you hear my plan, you're gonna want to come with me. -I'm not going anywhere with you! -Damn it. -Fuck you, Sandy! Stop right there! (grunts) Why'd you do that?! You did that. (panting) Well... that was not the easy way. I loved that guitar! I'm gonna sue you! You're gonna sue me? Really, you're gonna sue me? Enjoy the empty accounts. I'll be taking my car keys. And what are these? -These are future victims? -Put my shit down. They can thank me later. Is that how you buy all this crap? What do you need this for? You're sick. This stuff is... things I use for my charity that I help children with. For the what? For my children's charity, you dick. Oh, that makes sense. I apologize. Hey, you're coming with me. Give me your wrist. -Julia. -Julia? WOMAN: Diana! Open the fucking door! Shit! Who's that? Just changing my clothes! I'll be right out! WOMAN: Don't lie to me! Those credit cards you sold Paolo were shit! No, no, it's a misunderstanding! It'll be so funny when I explain it to you guys! WOMAN: You're coming with us, now! Just give me the car keys. No, you're not taking the car again! (gunshot thunders) DIANA: Shit! (tyres screeching) Go, go, go! (tyres screeching) You little bitch. so you can do a ton of stuff in a lot less time, 3D Touch on iPhone 6S responds to the pressure of your finger so you can do a ton of stuff in a lot less time, like look at a site without going to it or watch a video without opening it. You can do pretty much everything faster ` shooting stuff, music stuff, couch shopping, shoe shopping, running ` kind of ` checking a flight from an email,... I'm picking my flight. I'm not picking my flight. I'm picking my f` Wait, I missed my flight. ...owl photos, desert photos, photos of dolphins, high-stepping man, pizza gifs. It's all faster with 3D Touch on iPhone 6S. -Who were those people? -Don't worry about it. And what the hell is that? You're wasting your time; that's not coming off. Yeah? We'll see about that. How about you just apologize for getting me shot at? I'm not gonna apologize for that, 'cause you should not have broken into my home. So, it's a little lesson for you, Sandy. -Pull over. -I'm not pulling over. We're going to an airport, and we're taking the first flight to Denver, Diana. Why don't you pull over before I kick your ass again. I'll tell you what, why don't we find a bar, we calm down a little bit, I buy you a drink, I talk, you listen. -Does that sound fair? -That sounds fair, Sandy. You'll behave yourself if we find a bar? Yeah, I'll behave myself, because you will have probably dosed me with a shitload -Hey. -of Trish Patterson's Xanax. -When did you get those? I had two hands down your pants, and you didn't notice, -so you should deal with that. -Well... Fucking dead below the waist. You're disgusting. Just pull the car over. -That what you want? -Yes! Jesus Christ, yes! Here you go. You're sure? -Right in the middle of the highway? -Yeah, right in the middle of the highway. Really? All right. I'll tell you what, then. I'll just call the police, and I'll tell them that there's a criminal out here with a known warrant, just hanging around the highway. I got a lot of evidence they'd like to see. You got nothing! Hey. I'm calling the police right now! Good luck, pal! I'll be long gone! It's ringing. (panting): Oh, God. What are you, a fucking Kenyan? Listen, I just need you to talk to my boss. That's it. And I won't press charges, okay? -I'm losing my job because of you. -Your job? -That's right. -I didn't fire you. And I don't want to go to Colorado and meet your anxious wife. -You're right, she is anxious. She's very anxious. You want to know why? 'Cause we have two daughters and a third on the way, and we live in a very, very small apartment-- about half the size of that house I bet you stole. Hey, I worked hard for that house. Enough, all right? This is a free trip, okay? It's on me, all right? No cops. All you need to do is talk to my boss, that's it. And then we're done. That's all. It's very simple. Come on, it's in Denver. You're gonna love it. There's nobody shooting at you there. You stay here, they're gonna find you. Hey, hey, hey! Come on. This is ridiculous. (groans): Oh! Oh! Shit. Did you blow a tyre? Yeah, I blew a fucking tyre. Put the air on. I won't talk to the cops. Right, no cops. I said that. And don't lie to me. I'm not. I'm not lying, I swear. Yeah? You swear on your kids? Yeah, swear on your kids. Yes, I swear on my kids. Shotgun. I'll need the keys. Here you go. Thank you. (tools whirring) (cell phone ringing) Yeah? PAOLO (over phone): Did you get her? Almost. (over phone): Almost? Okay. Then I almost won't kill you when I get out of here. We'll get the money back. (over phone): It is beyond that, Marisol. Now, this nobody of yours is causing me a big problem. (over phone): She's become a liability. One of her cards tipped off the cops. She got to go. You get Julian and you get it done. (over phone): Okay. But she's with some guy. You kill her, you kill him, you kill anyone you need to. We got to go. I don't work for you. Oh, yes, you do. Hank! You got it, Paolo. DIANA (voice-over): So, I was wondering, how is it that we're getting on that plane? I already have my ticket, and I brought cash for yours. Are we both going to show our Sandy Bigelow Patterson-- same birthday, everything at the same time, let the airline just have a field day with that, or...? Yeah, that's what I thought. Son of a bitch! Well, we're driving now. We're driving, then. Okay. Oh, I can't believe I missed that. (sighs) You've got to feel so dumb. Think we just need a little music. (gasps) # Milkshake brings all the boys to the yard # My life is better than yours # Their life is better than yours # My milkshake... (rhythmic grunting) # My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard # And their life # Is better than your... # ...hundred miles # And I would walk 500 more # Just to be the man that walks 500 miles # To fall down... # Don't do the trick # You got wake up something quick... Dude, I can hit this. # Ah-ah-ah-ah # On my knees # Now, ooh, Barracuda. # (phone ringing) Hello, yeah. What do you got? WOMAN (over phone): Got a runner, pays 50K. -Uh-huh. -You got a name? Yeah, Sandy Patterson. -She skipped a few court dates. -Any leads? (over phone): Yeah, she just swiped a credit card at a place near you called Lady's Choice. Oh, I'm sorry, sir, we're closed. Do you know a Sandy Patterson-- a customer? Used a credit card here earlier today, around 4:00? You her boyfriend or something? (chuckling): Oh, no, no. No, I'm a skiptracer, a collector, like a bounty hunter. I find people that owe money and I bring 'em back to where they belong. Oh, this Sandy-- she owe a lot? Yeah, well, they don't send me for a little. No, she jumped bail and I've been hired to bring her back. Well, I mean, I would like to help you out, but I ain't supposed to share client information, so... Of course; I understand. This is a nice place. Yeah. I hear this stuff's pretty flammable. (sighs) Be a shame if your place of employment burnt to shit. You want to show me where that appointment book is? There you go. SANDY (voice-over): Yeah, not what I was planning, but I will be home on Sunday or Monday by the latest. It is what it is, I guess. How are the girls? (laughs) Okay. I love you, too. I'll call you later. Bye. How long have you guys been together? I'm not going to talk about myself or my family. You're never going to know anything about me. You know, there's nothing wrong with being a, a simple guy. I'm just a simple gal... from Wisconsin, you know. -Hmm. -I'm a cheesehead. -Fascinating. -I'm from Morganville. It's a little, it's a little, a little tiny town, but charming. still working. Dad retired about, I guess, two and a-- I want to say 2 1/2 year-- two, 2 1/2 -2 1/2 years ago. -Jesus Christ. What? They sound so normal. How'd they have a criminal asshole for a daughter who just goes around wrecking people's lives? How'd that work out? We're kind of in the midst of a pivotal moment here, you know. This is-- I think we might want to take stock of this. Like, we're kind of bonding, I mean... I just want to be up front and say that I visually enjoy you. (grunts) And I have always, you know, really liked tall men. What are you talking...? I'm, I'm average height. Not to me, stretch. Great. (gasps) Look at that. See that? "Adventure." I love that. When are we going to pull over? We're not. You know, they say driving tired is more dangerous than driving drunk, and that's a statistical fact. I doubt it. Fine. All I'm saying is, I drunk-drive all the time; I've never had a problem. I slept-drove once and I smashed right into a Taco Bell-Pizza Hut combo. WAITRESS (voice-over): Welcome to the Colonnade. (Southern accent): Good. We're famished, though. We just drove all the way from Jimson, so... Why don't y'all take a booth? Oh, this is nice. It's a nice, nice, comfy booth, soft. (chuckles) Now, I have allotted us each eight dollars per meal, so it looks like you can get one of the, uh, one of the salads or a soup or... Sorry, I'm, I'm quick. Uh, the tomato soup for me, please. That'll do it. I'm gonna take a full slab of the baby backs and I'm gonna take that with mashed taters, hush puppies, and I'm going to get a, uh, I'm going to have a sweet tea. The fuck you are. I don't know what that means. I asked you to eat less food. What is wrong with you? This is a beautiful woman. You let her eat. No, he's right. No, I've put on a little bit of weight because of all the stress. Walter's a fireman. (groans) Yeah, it's okay. It's okay. He was in a pretty, She doesn't care. -Oh. -They're just shredded down there, and now he can't work. He wants to fight fires and he wants to pee standing up. Don't you want to pee standing up? I know you do, but he can't. Just bring two soups. And he can't lay with me like a husband should on account of the injury, and I don't even need him to, but he gets mad at me and takes his anger out on me, and then I feel bad about myself and I feel ugly, and then I eat. Lord knows, I know I eat. -I know I do, I do... -No, no, no, you just wait right here, sweetheart, okay? (crying): Okay. You're breaking the rules. You understand that? You're breaking the rules. Society can't function without rules. (normal voice): Oh, okay, you follow the rules, right? -I sure do. -Oh, yeah, how's that working out for you? Yeah. Hold on just a minute. (sobbing) This is from the buffet, and it is on the house. (Southern accent): That's so sweet. Enjoy your soup. And if you have to pee, the ladies' room is right back there. God bless you. -It's all right... okay, okay. -God bless you. You know what a sociopath is? (normal voice): Do they like ribs? Hey, how you doing? -Hi. -Uh, I need one room, two beds, please. Oh, sorry. We only have single beds left tonight. -Are you kidding me? -Nope. -We don't really mind. 'cause of his intestinal surgery, so just comp us the mini-bar. -He can digest Pringles. -Right, that's right. I'm Walt, this is the wife-- Myra. She's a functional idiot. Wears diapers like a chimp. -Oh, come on... -Running her down to Disneyland. She loves the noise and the sugar. He's just tired from the drive. SANDY: We're gonna have to figure out the mattress thing because, even though I can't have sex with her due to my cock and balls getting shot off -Oh, shit. -...I wouldn't share a bed with her anyway. I'd much rather sleep on the floor. Do you want to know why? 'Cause you got no dick? Close. It's because she repulses me. She's the worst person I've ever met. Screw you. You got a bar? Yeah, the Foxhole-- it's across the lot. -Thank you. -You're not going to the Foxhole. -Hey. -Hey. -Yeah. -No splitting up. Do you still want the room? Yeah, I do-- real quick. Fucking chimp on the loose. It's not my business-- you know, I'm really sorry about your dick-- but you got to treat your lady better, or somebody else is gonna. Appreciate it. Are we on the set of your talk show right now? Do you know what? Being nice is a choice. Can I just get the fucking key? Uh-- oh, are you in a hurry? Oh, no. I have to go get this magnetized 'cause it wasn't magnetized properly. This might take a while. Can I have a double melon ball? Thanks. Is that a melon ball? Yep. You like milkshakes? I'm just trying to have a drink. Sorry, that probably sounded like a dumb pickup line; I apologize. I don't like milkshakes, I love 'em. (laughs) Well, you're going to flip out over these. Stu, mix us up two grasshoppers. Oh. I'm Big Chuck. Yes, you are. (giggles) I'm Margie. -Pleasure to make your acquaintance. -You, too. I love a man... who wears jewellery. Thank you very much. I like my turquoise like I like my women-- American and top-grade. Oh. Hundred percent. -(both laugh) -DIANA: Hundred percent. To you. Mmm. (Diana laughs) Mmm! Release it. Let it burn. BOTH: Mmm. BIG CHUCK: Mmm, mmm-mmm-mmm. Down it goes. -Hey. -You're here five minutes, you already made a friend, huh? This must be Walter. -Walter. -Hello. -Howdy, Walt, I'm Big Chuck. -Hi there. I got to tell you, this little Margie is quite a lady. -Oh, Margie? -Sit your ass down. SANDY: No, no, I can't. -Drinks are on me. -I wish I could. -Stu's going to set you up. -DIANA: Sit down... Stu, let's get Walt a round. His dick's broken. It's much, much too late. Never mind, Stu, I got to... Honey, got to get you out of here. Here's the thing: I don't want to go. But it's super late. Got to get all the way to St. Louis tomorrow, so... I think we got a good one. What is that? Think we got a good one. Listen, I'm gonna tell you what's going on. Walt likes to watch. Walt's a watcher. (laughs) Oh... no. He likes to watch me with other men. -He does? -Yeah, that's how he gets aroused. You got a little bone-bone now, huh? Here we go, it's time to go-- he said so. -Yeah. -And I'm gonna go out on the dance floor -and I'm gonna dance real slow... -No, no, no, no. -...and we're gonna dance real close... -Look at the time; look at my watch. ...and you can stay and watch or you can go-- that's your choice. I can't go; you know I can't go. Thanks for your help, pal. Well, well, we got us a watcher. Oh, we got a watcher. (laughs) Honey, look. (Mystikal's 'Shake Ya Ass') # Shake ya ass, but watch yourself. Shake ya ass, show me what you're workin' with. # Shake ya ass, but watch yourself. Shake ya ass... # -BIG CHUCK: I'll tell you. Thanks for the walk home. I am getting ready for bed. Please say your good nights-- no, no, no-- meaning leave, please. BIG CHUCK: Mm! Don't shut the door. -Leave it... -DIANA: Good night. Now what do I do? -Oh, now, this is his favourite part. -Please, no more. -Okay. -He likes, he likes to be humiliated verbally. -No, I don't. -You little sissy boy, huh? It's enough of this. Sissy boy, huh? You hard now? Now it's time to give him the Big Chuck show. The Big Chuck? DIANA (high-pitched): Boo... hoo-woo, boo! (Diana sings fanfare, hoots and whoops) SANDY: No need for the show. -Put it back on. -BIG CHUCK: Poo! (trumpeting) (giggling) (continues trumpeting) (Diana and Big Chuck make popping sounds) Uh-uh, I've had enough show. (Big Chuck exhales loudly) -Ooh, shake it, shake it, shake it. (laughs) Ooh. Look at him peeking over here. I can't let her out of my sight. -Now what do I do? -You know that? Let's not cross a line. Relax, Walt. -Friend... -Big Chuck likes to share. I don't want anything you've got. Why don't you and me share? Okay, goddamn it, I'm sleeping in the bathroom. Oh, here it comes. -(laughs) -There it was, right there. Uh-oh. Looks like it's just me and you now. (stammers) -Oh, uh-oh. -Mmm-mmm-mmm. It sure is. I'm going to make tonight so... special. Backing up... -Oh! -(laughing) You know what? I'm going to... (laughs) I'm going to... swim in there. (both laugh) I'm gonna make you one of my special famous cocktails. Well, I hope that cocktail has a punch. Oh, you know what? You're gonna love it. I'm gonna love it 'cause you made it. (sighs) It's gonna be so good. (humming) I don't know if I can do this. (sighs deeply) Yeah, that's okay. I wasn't really, wasn't really in the mood for it anyway, I wasn't... No, no, I'm, I'm sorry. -It's not a big deal. -It's just that I ain't been with another woman since my wife passed, and, uh, I'm sorry because here you are, and you're so beautiful. -Mm... -And you're so colourful. (voice breaking): You look like Dorothy from the Oz. Flowers and the... And I do, I appreciate y'all... inviting me up here to your super fucking weird sexual tryst, but... I'm scared. Aw, Big Chuck. I do like you. I really do. Margie. Yes. I do want to make love to you. (Big Chuck yelling) -Oh, oh, oh, God! -Ah, yeah. Call me Big Papa Huge Time. -Big Papa Huge Time! -Call... -call me Big Papa Huge Time. -Big Papa Huge Time! (Big Chuck moans loudly) Oh...! -Shut up! -Aah! DIANA: Oh, God! Feel the thunder, baby! -Get on top! -Aah...! (turns water on) -DIANA: Fuck me! -BIG CHUCK: Ooh... -Break my hip! -I'll break you. Break my fucking hip! Rub it, rub it clockwise, clockwise, clockwise! -What do you say? -I say mama. -Stick 'em both in, pull 'em taut. -(screams) How many is that? What the hell is that? -Shut up! -Stop-- foxhole, foxhole! -Oh! -The safe word's "foxhole," goddamn it! (both screaming) (Big Chuck growling) BIG CHUCK: Here it comes! Mmm, Big Chuck will be ready for round two in just a minute. -(giggles) -I'll tell you, Walt's a lucky guy. You are such a good person. (snoring) (snoring) (door closes) Diana? -(Big Chuck snoring) -Diana...! (alarm chirps) (engine starts) (ringtone playing) JESSIE (over phone): Hello? Daddy? Daddy...? Hello? -Are you there...? -(phone beeps off) (sobbing) Fuck. (sobbing) I was just checking our ice. (Big Chuck snoring) Stop moping. The lad's gone. Oh. Yeah. (SIGHS) INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS Ooh. Sorry. Oh. (SIGHS) Grandpa? Are you there? Sorry. Grandpa? CELL PHONE BUZZES, CHIMES INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS You've sent it. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) Whacko. CELL PHONE BUZZES, CHIMES Whether it's simple tips or tricky tech solutions, Vodafone Ninjas are here to help. Morning. (sighs) I just have flashes of, like, hearing an elephant and... Oh, God, I'm just real sore. I'll bet you're just torn to shit. Get in the car. I think he really ripped it. You might have to look. I'm gonna return the card key to the front desk. I'm gonna be watching. If you take a step out of the car, I'm gonna kill you. I'm serious. Get in the car. I got to have the keys; I gotta put the air on. It's never gonna happen. Swing a leg. Can you get me some strawberry Quik? 'Cause I got to balance my electrolytes. If they've got it. Strawberry Quik. Hey, good morning. I'm checking out of 192. No. That's good. -You want some? -Not today. (groans) This coffee over here free? -Yeah. -Super. Creamer used to be 50 cents, but everyone was stealing it anyway. Okay. (sighs) (Diana yelling indistinctly) The interstate's just south of here, right? Is there a, uh, gas st... DIANA: You fucking dick! No! No! God! No! No! Shit! SANDY: Hey! Hey! Hey! (engine revs, tyres squeal) Got her. -See you in an hour? -Yeah, why don't you bring her to the Atlanta office? It's right off the 75... Excuse me, sir. Did you take my friend? I got to go. No. Come on. I saw you take her. Sandy! Get me out of this fucking van! I got it. I got it. Hey! Can you pull over, pal? I need her. Your girlfriend's in a lot of trouble. -She's not my girlfriend. -Watch out. (horn honking) (tyres screeching) Hey! You get back there! Hey, buddy. -Yes, it is. -No, you got the wrong guy. It's me. I'm Sandy Patterson. No, Sandy's a girl's name. It's not; it's unisex. -(Skiptracer laughing) -DIANA: Sandy! -Fuck you, tranny! -Get me out of this van! Hey, hey, hey, hey...! (tyres squealing) Shit. (horns honking) (horns honking) Hey. Hey! I got her first. -Pull over. -You can't have her! (laughing) -(horns honking) -Shit! Motherfucker. (truck horn blasting) (mouthing): No! Listen, goddamn it! Ram the quarter panel. I don't have collision on this. I don't give a shit. Ram him! I'm not doing it. You son of a bitch. Ow! Ow! -Get in the back! -Ow! Get off of me, you asshole! (grunting) (groans) Shit. -Pull over to the side. -I can't! I can't get him off the wheel! Ram him! I'm not comfortable with it. I don't give a shit! Ram that panel! Shit. Hit it harder, you fucking vagina! (tyres screech) (suspenseful music) (groaning) (gasps, moans) I'm going to be sick. You okay? Are you all right? You're bleeding. -You okay? -Oh, shit. That was so violent. Tell me you're all right. Oh, God. Okay. All right. This guy does not look great. Oh, God. Oh, God. Maybe he's just... -That doesn't look good. -(sighs) I can't believe I did that. -That was, uh... -You did it. You did it. God, you did it too hard. I tried a small one on the first one. And you said... what did you call me? I called you names. Okay. Your rental car doesn't even have a scratch on it. Yeah, no, that's great news. Car is fine. What's more important... (bird screeching) God, my glasses were in there. Well, you've come to the right man. Anybody looking to buy or sell anything around here, they come through me. All right. How much is this one? That one's $350,000. Three-fifty? Well, I'm impressed. Clearly, you both have done your research. So I'm also sure that you know that this is a traditional community. MARISOL: What this means? "Traditional"? It means no homosexuals. It means no, uh, foreigners. It means no blacks. We are two of those things. Hey, you two of these things. I mean, around these parts, you're basically black. And a foreigner. I'm just black. Now, understand, me myself, I am not a judgmental man. But you should know that the buyers and the sellers here, their values are more... Traditional. Bingo, sister. Traditional, like meeting whores at hotel bars? Who are you? We called up our friends in the company, they look up the "LoYack." The what? LoJack. Foreigners, they can't say J's. MARISOL: And they say it's at a hotel. The people at the hotel gave us a story about you and another man and her, all sexing together in a pile. It's disgusting. But to answer your question, the LoYack is an excellent product. It makes our work much easy. What kind of work? (groaning) -This our work. -Ow! Very traditional. Know what I'm saying, Chuck? Now, who is she with, and where is she going? DIANA: It's not a true allergy, but there's... there's definitely a sensitivity. I need that other roll of tape. What are you doing? Is he still...? -Tape? -I need the other roll of tape. You're taping him? It was just here. Oh, Jesus, it's here. Yes, I'm taping him. No, no. Oh, no, no, no. Goddamn it! (cows mooing) DIANA: I told you it was going to overheat. I said you better coast down the hill. Yeah, how am I supposed to propel down the fucking highway in neutral? I said I could show you. (chuckles) I'm going to give you a juice. It's fruit punch. Yeah, that's nice and juicy. These are nice, I'll tell you that. God, you keep yourself up. That's just... (sniffs) Oh, God, your beard smells like sandwiches. That's nice. Okay, listen, the... (sighs) Say good-bye to your art project. -We can walk it. Let's go. -Coming. Wherever you are... you better believe I'm going to find you or die trying. All right. I get it, scary, survival, end of days guy. You should be nicer. I gave you juice. MAN: No, it was a van that crashed. A couple people got in, drove away. Kind of an average fella, short gal, somewhat wide. Uh, took off north on the 520 right there. I don't know. Where Yoda lives. (Diana chuckles) "These are not the droids you're looking for." Remember that? Tell her that. I know it. Honey, you're breaking up a little bit. Honey? Hello? Shit. How's everything going at home? I don't know. We didn't get that far. Because I'm out here. I guess I should, uh, thank you for saving me back there. -You're a good friend. -I'm not your friend. I am not your friend. -We're not hanging out. -I heard you yell to that guy, "Did you take my friend?" Yeah, that's a saying. -You haven't heard that saying before? -No. Besides, friends don't steal friends' identities, do they? Well, thanks. -That's not a compliment. -I know. DIANA: Here we go. Here we go. Aw, come on! You're doing great. You are going to have to hide on the next one. -It's clearly you. -Oh, it's me? I have never been passed up when I got this thing out. I don't doubt that you do real well on the side of the road, but look, I don't know why you're not trusting this. Stop for one second. It is only two miles straight through there. Two miles through the woods? Come on, you want to go ten more miles on this road? Get some more blisters? Come on. That's a shortcut. Yes? There's a yes. Finally. DIANA: I knew you were probably wrong. I knew your phone was going to die. I should have said something. You knew? What, you're, like, a psychic, huh? I'm not going to get into it, but I am. -Really? -Sure. On top of everything else, you're a psychic. That's amazing. Pick a number between one and ten. -Fou... -Four. I know. It was a gift. Well, I think so, too. Why don't you just rest your talents, Megamind? Sun's going to be up in a few hours, and we'll take it the rest of the way. (sighs wearily) Hey, hey, hey, hey. Spread out. You've got the whole forest. -What are you doing? -It's cold. This is what they do on "Survivor." What, when they want to get punched? Get off of me. Do you usually listen to music before you go to bed? No, just a lot of silence. # My milkshake brings all the boys... Oh, my God. # My milkshake... better than yours... -Hey, hey, hey, hey. -# My milkshake # # Brings all the boys to the yard, my milkshake... You're like a four-year-old. You know, this light is very flattering on your chin. SANDY: Oh, my God. Diana. I'm serious, please, get your hands off... -I don't want to play footsies. -I'm not doing anything. Snake! Snake! Snake! -Oh, my God! Oh, my God! -Shit. Get away from me! Throw him! Throw him! -Whew! -Wow. Oh, God, it was so close to me. -You're welcome. -This is no longer our sleeping spot. There's probably a fucking ton of them. They're not pack animals, Sandy. I know they're not pack animals, okay? But have you ever heard of a snake nest? All right, just the mere thought of that is going to keep me up at... Oh, God. Don't move. Not a problem. I'm not moving. Shit, it's huge! No shit. Get him off me. Okay... Okay, I got it. I got it, I got it. What's the plan with the fire? What are you doing with the fire? I saw it on a television show. Snakes hate fire. Unless that was about spiders, but... I don't know. You're going to burn me, and you're going to piss him off. Get away from me. Be quiet and stay still. Get away from me with that thing. (whimpers) Oh, God! That's not helping. It just keeps looking at me! Oh, he's tightening. (gasping) Oh, God. Okay, turn your face away. Okay. It's almost over. Aah! Trouble. He's got the neck. (screams) (grunting and groaning) God! Don't let it get near me! That hurts! That hurts! That hurts! Oh, God. -(screaming) -(grunts, gasps) (train whistle blowing) -(groans) -Okay, okay. Go slow, fella. Just go slow. Easy. Where are we? What is this? Whose pants are these? I got them out of the lost and found. It's a good fit, huh? Yeah. Okay. Better get on a bus. We're not getting on any bus for three days. Not to Denver. -What? -There's not a bus from here to Denver for three days. Hey. When's the next bus to Denver? Wednesday. Fuck! That's too late. Phone's gone, wallet's gone because the pants are gone. We're done. I'm done. I lose; you win. You're a great thief. I got nothing left. I got no money. I got no time. I got no job. I got no chance. I've got these weird pants on, out in the middle of nowhere. How did we get here, anyway? I just... I carried you. You what? I carried you. It's not a big deal. You were unconscious. We were like a half mile from the main road. Jesus Christ. and he gave us a ride here, dropped us off. It's... You carried me a half mile. That's, uh... Probably not even that far. (clears throat) You get these shoes the same place you got the pants? No... Yeah. The clerk said an EMT took them off a dead hobo, so... Come on. He's not going to need them back, so... A guy died in these? -Because you needed shoes. -What is the matter with you? My socks, though. They're your socks; they're not dead guy socks. I got money in here. You don't have... -What the hell? -Hey. Why are we living like animals if you've got money in your socks? SANDY: I've got $300, and I need to be to Denver by Tuesday. Well, you can get a pretty cheap car over there at Andrew's. Tell him Carl sent you. He's a good man, Andrew. He was with my sister for a bit. Oh, yeah? You got a beautiful yard here, Andrew. Here's 200 of the finest. Keys? Thank you. DIANA: Oh, and it's got satellite. I'm glad we're not buying that one. Jesus. (engine rattling, knocking) (skiptracer panting heavily) -Morning. -Morning. I'm supposed to be meeting some friends here. Was there a man and a lady come through here? Both answer to the name Sandy. Well, we get tons of people through here. -Aah! -I've had a shitty day, and you got a face that looks like a dog's asshole. Were they here or not? They came through earlier. -I sent them to get a car. -Where?! Andrew's Auto Salvage. Write it down! (whimpers) I wasn't here. (gun fires) (gasping and wheezing) Thank you. MARISOL: Consider that a warning. We need her more than you do. Better luck next time, old man. Fuck you. (train whistle blowing) That's what I always thought, but then I thought, "You know what? I'm going to do it. I'm going to wallpaper the garage." And I found... First, I thought, "Oh, is that going to be crazy?" You wouldn't rather just listen to this? -That's a good song. -No, it is a good song. I like that. It's got tyres on it. It's wallpaper with tyres, which I thought was... -(tyres squeal) -Ow! -You okay? -Ooh. Yeah, I'm okay. I think it would be so cute. It's red and... Goddamn it. -It was one of those badgers. -Oh. (music continues) How great is the ride on this Caprice, huh? You know this is the last tank, right? Well, you know, I can help us out. How? Did you find some sock money? No, I didn't find sock money. -I can get a card, fill this tank up in 15 minutes. -Diana... I told you, this trip will not turn me into you. I am not saying that we have to go out and steal from orphans and baby puppies. No one deserves to get stolen from. I don't know why you don't get that. -Just drop it. -I get it. I just find it bizarre that you don't have any kind of shit list. I find it pretty hard to believe that you can't come up with one person that deserves the wrath of Sandy Patterson. My old boss, Harold Cornish, is a partner here at this major financial institution. They've got a branch here in St. Louis. Here's the plan. (voice-over): We're gonna go inside, we're gonna get his financial information for your little credit card toy. Social Security numbers, bank account numbers, routing numbers-- it's all stored on hard copies in there, in the record room. We just need a little code to get in there. DIANA: Yeah, but we can't get in there -with you looking like that. -SANDY: That's a great point. There's a way around that. (groaning loudly) Are you okay? My fibromyalgia! Oh, God, my leg is cramping up! -What can I do? What can I do? -Oh, God, rub it! -Rub-rub it? -Rub it! Rub it! Rub it! -It's cramping! -Okay. Oh, softer, softer, softer... Oh! GUARD: Up? DIANA: Higher. Higher. -Higher. Higher. -Higher. Little higher. Get in there! How is this helping you? Oh, God! (grunting) Oh, get in...! All right, get off me. Get off me. I thought it was gonna be a couple of offices. Who's-who's this guy? SANDY: That's Accounts Processing. That's the me of this branch. Come on. -No offence. -Yeah. -But just keep your mouth shut. This will be over in a minute. Hi. Good morning. Tina... Van Westen... garden. How are you? I'm fine. Can I help you? I'm here with my boss, Harold Cornish. We're in from Denver. Oh. I'm familiar with the name. I'm sure you are. We're gonna need to get into your Accounts room. Do you have an authorization letter? (whispering): I'm gonna be real honest with you. I fucked up. I just kind of completely blanked on that authorization letter. He... he basically runs me 24/7. He's-- Cornish is-- he's a handful. I mean, honestly, he's-he's an asshole. Just a sec. How we doing over there? We doing good? You calling security? You better not be calling security. -Hang up the phone right now. -I wasn't calling security. Yes, you were. Hang it up. Right now. I'm not al-- You're not allowed back there without authorization. I can do whatever the hell I want. I don't have to tell you that we suspect that there are some people at this branch that are doing some very, very bad things. And I don't have to tell you that I've been sent here to look, very quietly, at some records. Mr. Cornish, I don't mean any offence, but we have rules. I know you have rules. Like never backdate a 5590, or don't stamp a 33-B transfer without telling a client first. I bet you do that one twice a month, don't you? Tonya, can you give us a minute please? -What did I say? -Yep. Nothing. You said that. I have you at a disadvantage. You don't know me, but I know you, Ken. I know that you make $49,395 a year. I know that you work very hard for that wife and child right there. I know that you're real good at your job, that you take care of this company, and you do things that they'll never know about, that they'll never appreciate. So, you're very proud, right? You're scared because you're dispensable. You're scared because you know that, more than likely, somebody cheaper, maybe even by an app. Here's what we can do, though. You can help me today, 9488. (suspenseful music) (funky music) Got it. (computer beeps) Okay, let me see it. SANDY: This is it. Right there. We got it. All right. That's what I need. (computer beeping) Shit. Got it. -Got it. -Wow. (keypad beeping) Okay, great. Good job. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hit the road? No, no. I'm exhausted. I need to sleep for at least a couple of hours. I need something to eat that doesn't come out of a bag, and I need to put at least some of my parts into a shower. I bet you're a real mess. Um, we get you a Motel 6, or something? Motel 6? No, no, no. No. Mr. Cornish, we go wherever we want. Come on. Let's go. SANDY: Need a room, please. How about a suite? Yes, hello. (Diana gasps) Whoa. God, they're real. (sighs) (funky music) (gasps) Get there! Get there! Get there! (sighs) We're just gonna rest for a little bit, and then one last haul to get home. (over phone): Thank God. Have you talked to Daniel? Yeah, spoke to Daniel. Everything's gonna be fine. Oh. This place has a shopping arcade. Okay. Reservation's at 8:00, okay? And no jewellery. I'll get cash for tips. (over phone): Was that her? Yeah, that's her. Okay. Drive safely, will you? (over phone): Okay. I'll see you soon. Oh, that's a nice match. Yeah, that is a nice match. Oh, that's nice. No, dear. More is not more. Oh, that's better. Okay. She's... (all snickering) Um... maybe you could, uh, help me. Oh, honey. We'll take care of you. I've done a lot of the groundwork for you. Really? It's really more of a touch-up. Okay. (indistinct chatter, piano music plays) What? You look beautiful. Oh, it's just all... it's all tricks and stuff. Not tricks; that's you. I said no jewellery. Oh, God, were you serious? -Yeah. -Oh, God, you've got to work on your tone. -It was my tone? -It's vague. -(laughs) -It's not just the top, it's the Lucite, too. This is great. Uh, I'd like to make a toast. -To you. -Oh. Thought I was the enemy. You are, but I got to admit, you taught me something. Well, you've taught me a few things. You taught me about getting what you want, and you taught me about confidence. Uh, maybe a little bit too much about confidence. Did you see me with that poor Ken Talbott today? Yeah, you were pretty hard on him. and I just don't want to feel like the chump anymore. And you showed me that. Did I? Yeah. You also completely messed up my life, but I guess it needed a little messing up, needed a little bit more Diana in it. Well... Or whatever your real name is. That is my real name. It's not. Come on. -It is. -We're friends now. That's my name; I don't know what to tell you. Will you tell me your real name? Finally, please? What does it matter? Exactly. What does it matter? Fine, it's Marla. Why are you lying to me? Just tell me your name. I don't want to tell you. -Don't get pissed off. -I'm not getting pissed off. Just drop it. This is weird. Why won't you tell me your name? -It can't be worse than Sandy. -'Cause I don't know it. -Come on. -I don't know it. -You don't know it. -I don't know it. What about your family? What about, what about Morganville, Wisconsin? Are you telling me that was all bullshit? No. There's a... great little town. And there's a really, really nice little police station in the centre of town, where people that don't want their babies can leave them. So, what name is it that you want? 'Cause I had six of them by the time I was through foster care. (sighs): That's a... that's a tough life road to go... I mean, no one who could have helped you out maybe, early on, and put you down a different path? No. No, there's been no one, ever, put me down a different path, to... to do anything for me. There's never been anybody. It's just been me. So, I don't give a shit about people, and people don't give a shit about me. And that's just how it is. -I give a shit about you. -You don't give a shit about me. You just want me to clean up my mess. You don't give a shit about me. And I know it. I have been on my own all my life. Nobody even knows I'm here. Nobody ever knows where I am, 'cause there is nobody. I got sick, I took care of myself. I needed shit for school, I got it. (sniffles) You're so stupid. Do you think your fucking fancy suit and acting like an asshole is gonna make your daughters happy? You think that's what they want? They want some big man treating people like shit? I would have done anything to have somebody like you. Just to actually be there and care about me. Just fucking be there. You're such an asshole, you're trying to be more like me. Nice choice, Sandy. (sighs) (sniffling) Nice. I'm never gonna be able to duplicate this makeup. Here. I don't want it. I don't want it. I'm sorry. -I'm sorry I gave you some lame Dumpster baby story. -No, no. It's okay. I was just lying. That's what I do, I lie. Mr. Cornish. You are a fraud, a thief and an asshole, whoever you are. OFFICER: You're both under arrest for credit fraud. Stand up. Hands where I can see them. He didn't do anything. -He's just trying to get me back... -Save it. Your hands in front of you. Okay. Come on, let's go. (elevator bell dings) (clears throat) (whispers): It's them. (elevator bell dings) See you around. (cell phone ringing) -Yeah. -She got arrested. What the hell do we do? (over phone): Follow her to the station, you bail her out and you kill her. (screams) Damn it! -Burns, don't it? -You! You shot me first. I didn't shoot you! This bitch shot you! Good point. (screams, curses in Spanish) Yep. Diagnosis and everything. Let's go for a ride. JULIAN: Hey, man, this some bullshit. If you want to kill me, you could just kill me right now. -Got to get in this motherfucking trunk. -(gun cocks) How did you find us? Same way you found them. Car had satellite radio, tracked the GPS. What if we work together? We split the cash. This ain't about the money anymore. This is personal. -Wait... -Hold up! Around, please. (engine starts) Hey, you guys have got a pretty sweet ride here. What is this, an '08 or a '09 Crown Vic? -'08. -Ah! '08. All right, I thought so. What is this, like, 250 ponies under the hood? You can feel that, right? (whispers): I need you to close your eyes. (grunting) What the fuck?! Hey! Hey, pull over! Pull over! -Jesus Christ! -(tyres screeching) -(car horns blaring) -You out of your mind?! This is a terrible idea! -Hey, it's stuck! -You insane? -What are we doing? -We're getting away! All units, we need backup! We need backup! Put down your weapon! Get out of your vehicle! -(siren wailing) -We can't go this way. (tyres screeching) -Shit. -What now, huh? (tyres screeching) SANDY: Shit! (car horns honking) There. (grunts) (tyres screeching) (no voice) (grunts) (sirens wailing) Diana... Hey. Diana... Diana! (snorts) (gagging) (siren wailing) (coughing) Let's go. Let's go! Let's go! SANDY: Fuck. Get up, you fucking baby! Don't move! (wheezing) Keep your hands up! Put them on the wheel! (groaning) I got hit by a fucking car. Did you see that? (knocking) I don't know anything about the people in the trunk. (Marisol shouting in Spanish) -They shot me first. -We're all going downtown. For what? I'm in a trunk! Just wait till we get back to the car. Oh, come on, just take them off! Shut up and give me a minute! You should be dead. You got hit by a car. I mean, are you even human? It just looked bad. You know, part of the trick is just to relax your legs. Better chance of catching a roll. I read it on wikiHow. -Ow. -You can make light of it, but what you did saved my life, and... thank you. You were only in that spot because of me, so... you know, fair is fair. # Ooh, crazy's what they think about me. # Ain't gonna stop cos they tell me so. # Can't keep up with my rhythm, though they keep trying. # Too quick for the lines they throw. # I walk to the sound of my own drum. -(snoring) -# ...Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah. # Oh, here we go. # Feel it in my soul, # Really need it... No, no, no. (snorts) # Really need it, need it. # Hello? -Dad! -Daddy! Hi. (sighs) Hi. (sighs) Diana, Trish, Jessie, Franny. -Meet Diana. -JESSIE: Hi. Oh. Hi. Nice to meet you, too. SANDY: Diana's gonna be staying with us, just for tonight, and I'm gonna take her into work with me in the morning. If that's okay. It's kind of mandatory. (utensils clinking quietly) You've got some food on your face. Where? (laughter) No, you have food on your face. BOTH: There! Here? BOTH (laughing): No! I would know. -It's not over here. That's my clean cheek. -JESSIE: Now you have three places. -Here, here and here. -(laughing) You guys are driving me crazy, 'cause I-- nothing's here. -(girls laughing) -Nothing's here. (laughs) See? -Babe, babe, please. -Jessie. Oh, that's a lot. Would you, would you like some help with that? That's okay. I'm-I'm almost done. I, uh... I know you're-you're probably wondering, you know, what... what happened, you know, on our whole trip and the-the open road. that, you know, nothing happened between the two of us. So... you know. I put it out there, but he did not pick it up. And, you know, there's-- it's surprising. 'Cause I-I don't know if you've heard of the Bermuda Triangle, which is kind of in here. And it's, you know... Once you go in, it's real hard to come back out. You know, because some people don't want to. Some people just get lost in there, emotionally. Um, I just, I wanted you to know that he was a perfect gentleman. And he did not... lay a finger, you know, on or in me. Okay. Um... You know, uh... He really loves you. Thank you. Okay. (poignant music) She'd go away for, like... ten years. (sighs) I don't know what's wrong with me; I'm such a chump. You're not a chump. If I didn't turn her in, I mean... (chuckles softly) We'd survive. (music continues) (snoring) (music continues) (birds chirping) Diana? I'm going in alone. Where's Diana? She said she had to go. How long ago did she leave? After she did our hair and our makeup. Here. (lightly melancholy music) ...the, uh, the Bauer fund is performing. That was a shareholder fund... And to be honest, it wouldn't have happened anyway. Just wasn't meant to be. Patterson. (poignant music) Hi. Hi, Sandy. -REILLY: Okay. -What's going on? That completes the statement process. You've been read your rights. This officer's gonna take you into custody. Mr. Patterson. You are no longer a focus in this investigation. And she took responsibility for everything that happened in St. Louis. I'd be happy to provide your employer with a letter making that clear. You got your good name back. -Congratulations. -Thanks. Um, could I just, could I have just one second with her, please? Sure. Let's go. Thanks. I don't understand. Well, if I pop out of these that quickly, he'll get all emasculated, and... And there was a pretty good chance that this thing was gonna end with cops, right? Just didn't think I'd still be here. and when I felt like it, you know, skip out. I just didn't do that. How come you snuck away this morning? And this was the right thing. I got to go. I really loved our trip. (poigant music) Congratulations. Thanks. This is you. Come on. # Happy birthday to you # Happy birthday, dear Daddy Come on, girls. # Happy birthday to - # You. # -# Me. # -Okay, big breath, big wish. -Everybody together. Close together. -Yay for Daddy! -Yes. SANDY: Did you guys wish? Honey, honey, honey, please. -Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm. -Are you kidding me? You know what, actually? We got to go. We got to go. Very late. Let's go. I can't believe how beautiful she is. I mean, to me, she still-- she really does look like a Diana. I'm letting it go, but... -Sorry. -Are you kidding me? -You are pulling these out of your pocket. -No. -I will shiv you in the yard. -(laughs) I will shiv you in the yard, I will. MAN (over P.A.): All right, visitation's over in five minutes. All right, break it down for us real quick. Okay. Here we go. Math, A. Accounting, B. Nice. And Econ? Well, you know... I know, but I just got this. (gasps) Oh. -Ooh! -(chuckles) SANDY: Nice going. I know. I know. -I'm putting this in the file. -Oh, come on. Not like somebody's gonna hire an ex-con. I'm actually starting a First Step program, and I have a few years to figure it out. Three, with good behaviour. And how is that going, by the way? Great. Great. -Good. -Decent, you know? Some of these dykes are still really getting up into my sweet junk, but I don't let them. TRISH: Um, girls, "sweet junk" is just... Dessert. -We should probably get going. -The lesson there, if you listen, is that if you're in the woods and maybe a boyish female bear with cornrows comes at you this way, meaning this way, and you just deflect. TRISH: It is always nice to see you, and we'll wait out... -Girls, let's get going. -What are you gonna do? Not let them in, right? Come here. -I'll be out in one minute. -Bye, Diana. -Okay. Stay beautiful, okay? Okay, I'll see you in a couple months? Okay. -All right? -Love you. Love you, too. I got you something. -Oh. -I pulled some strings with Reilly, and we ran your fingerprints through the Wisconsin state database, and we got that. (sighs) My name. Dawn Budgie. (voice breaking): That's a terrible fucking name. It's a really bad name. (laughs) It's not as great as I was hoping, but it-it's you. (sniffles) Thanks, Sandy. But, uh, I already know who I am. Yep. Thanks. (sniffles) Back in your cage, bitch. -(grunts) -No... Budgie? (gasps) # ...Bad girls do it well. Sorry. # Live fast, die young. Bad girls do it well. #