1 1 1 1 1 1 1 2 BOY: Who am I? Are you sure you wanna know? Truth is I'm a nobody. Actually, I'm worse than a nobody. I'm this guy. Stop! Stop the bus! Ohh! The story of my life is not for the faint of heart. Thanks. But, like any story worth telling, it's all about a girl. Not that girl. I don't think that is a girl. No, it's about this girl - Jill Johnson. Ever since I can remember, I've been in love with her. But she barely knows I exist. Yo, Rick! Yo! Come here, man! I got you a seat down here! Listen, I'll call y'all back. 'Bye. Wassup, man? Hey, Trey. Dude, I'm so psyched for this class trip. We about to see some real serious, cutting-edge shit. Mmm. Mm-hm. That's what I'm talking about. Yo, you got any C batteries on you? AAs? Got that new sandwich from Sony in my backpack. Mmm. Yo! You gotta forget about her, dog. Look, let me show you something. She not even looking at you. If I could just tell her how I feel... Dude, Rick, I already told you, you're never gonna get with Jill, alright? Seriously. She hangs out with the popular crew. And nobody messes around outside their group, man. Come on. That crew stuff isn't real. The hell it ain't! Look around, Rick. Look, you got your jocks. Nerds. Emos. Frodos. The 'Scarface' Society. The sexual predators. Of course, you got the Rick-punchers. The who? Ohh! Yeah, they new. Mm-hm. But who cares? 'Cause we got our own crew - me and you. Thanks. Trey. You're the best, man. Oh! Am I in? MAN: No. Come on! Hey, it's me and you, baby. The two of us against the world. You hear me? You look good today. I like your hair. I'm gonna show you something nasty I downloaded. Don't tell nobody. (SHEEP BLEATS) MAN: Welcome to Amalgamated. I'm Dr Strom, head of the research department... Come on, man. ..where we create the future today. And now I'd like to show you our crown jewel - the Amalgamated animal genetics lab. Wow. Go ahead. Explore. Yo, yo. Come on. Rick, man, check this out. All of our animals are genetically engineered, and each of them has... Oh, you're so pretty. Hi, birdy. (CHUCKLES) Hi. Hi. She's beautiful, isn't she? Yes, she is. Uh...I'm gonna take a picture of her for the school newspaper. Our only rules - don't feed the animals and, please, no flash photography. Some of our genetically engineered animals are a little sensitive to light. It flew away. What the F, loser?! BOY: Get him, Lance! Come on, Lance! Leave him alone! I don't think so. Is there a problem, Lance? No. No problem...Uncle Lou. Mr Landers! Students, this is Lou Landers, visionary scientist and CEO of Amalgamated. Well, I'm just a businessman now. The future of science belongs to all of you. Please, enjoy the tour. Are you OK? Yes. This is healthy cough blood. "Rick Riker." You're not Blaine and Julia Riker's son, are you? I am. Ah. Good people. How are they? They died violently nine years ago. But otherwise OK? Yes...thank you. I live with my aunt and uncle now. Well, you seem like a real chip off the old block. Let's hope you're not violently murdered too. RICK: Ohh! Ahh! (BOY LAUGHS) LANCE: That's for making me look stupid. Next time, I hurt you. BOY: Yeah. DR STROM: Our work with these animals has helped us develop new antibiotics, advanced pesticides and a powerful new pheromone which drives animals to mate called compound H2O9. It's a strong sexual attractant. A single drop is enough to arouse any animal. We plan on using it to breed endangered species. (DOG GRUNTS) (YELPS) Ooh! But our most promising research is with these dragonflies. For example, this dragonfly's skin has a hard armour-like exoskeleton protecting it. And this species of dragonfly has enormous strength for its size. (WHIMPERS) (MONKEY SHRIEKS) And here we've injected the DNA from all three species into seven new genetically enhanced super dragonflies. But there's only six in there. Well, one missing dragonfly is the least of my concerns. I lost six tigers alone last month. (GRUNTS) (CRUNCH!) Ahh! This area is where we keep our livestock. (GASPS) Aren't you gonna do something? As soon as I get this up on YouTube. I see. Well, yes, I understand. Thank you for the call. That was the principal. Rick walked off a class trip. After all the parenting you've done, he's still so troubled. Why do you think that is, Albert? Have no idea, Lucille. I've taught him everything I know about being a man. And a good man you are, after all these years of marriage. It's like we first met. Sure, you're a little older. Your hair's grey. You have crow's feet. It takes you an hour to pee. Your thighs look like cottage cheese someone threw up on a hot sidewalk. And you've always had a tiny penis. Well...what does it matter when you're in love? (GROANS) Oh, Rick! We were wondering where you were. It's so late. (GROANS) About time you got home. Your aunt was getting worried. You can sleep late in the morning, but don't forget to feed the fish. Attaboy. (GROANS) (KNOCKS OVER FURNITURE) I don't know. Something just doesn't seem quite right with him today. Teenagers. I'll talk to him. Rough day, huh? Well, I won't lie to you - puberty is a difficult time in a young man's life. This book may explain what's happening. Let's see. There are mood swings, fluid retention and once a month you'll bleed from your vagina. This may be the wrong book. What's important is that you're on the verge of adulthood. Here. Take a drink. Ah, the rituals of manhood. Today you have your first beer and tomorrow we'll circumcise you. I'm losing patience, Dr Strom. Please, sir. If you could just wait a few minutes... I've waited long enough for this egomaniac. We're the board of directors. Our time is valuable. Not as valuable as mine, Mr Carlson. You see, I have a terminal illness. I've been fighting it for years. But the disease has ravaged my organs. As of this moment, I have one hour left to live. It was on sale. Gentlemen, if you're ready, allow me to show you the future. What the hell is that? An innovation... Thank you. ..that will not only save my life, but the life of this company. For too long, we've scraped our profits from pills and injections. The real prize is the total cure - a device that can alter DNA and restore the body to perfect health. You're crazy. (CHUCKLES) No. Crazy is hearing voices, talking to cats, dating Paula Abdul. I'm not crazy. I'm a visionary! Sir... Sir, the machine's never been fully tested. If something should go wrong... (SHOUTS) Start the machine! (YELPS) Yes, sir. Ohh! Oh! Plasma levels steady. Genetic modifications at optimum levels! Sir, the core is overheating. Ahh! We have to abort! AHHH! (WHIMPERS) Did it work? I'm so sorry. Well, well, well, I want you to know what a joy it will be running this company without you in the way. Let go. Let me go. (SHRIEKS) Gentlemen, I think it's time we made some personnel changes. (RIPPING AND TEARING) (MEN SHOUT) Oh. Ohh! (SQUEALS GIRLISHLY) (GROANS) How long was I asleep? Five days. (FARTS) (FARTS) Wait... Dad... (SIGHS) I thought you'd live forever. LUCILLE: Breakfast, Rick! I'll be right down! Oh! (BELL RINGS) WOMAN: If I can have your attention, we are delighted to have, as guest judge, the foremost scientist in the world. He's a visiting professor at Empire City University, where he's working with the rare element cerillium. I am so proud to welcome Dr Stephen Hawking. ELECTRONIC VOICE: Thank you for that warm welcome. I have a disease that has paralysed me. I cannot walk, and I use this computer to speak. But I am not depressed because I have the gift of knowledge. That's a lie. I think about suicide every day. But you should all be happy with your lives. You can walk, talk, wipe your own asses, and then there's all the sex. (STUDENTS GASP) I haven't had sex in years. My nurse is a lesbian - and not the hot kind. (STUDENTS GASP) Hey, anyone want to get high? I've got some hash with me. White guy in the dreads - you know what I am talking about. Anyone? Anyone? Pussies. Watch where you're going in slow-mo, dipshit. (SNIGGERS) Go to her, stupid! Tell her how you feel. (GRUNTS) Ohh! (ALL EXCLAIM) Uh...he did it. (CRASH!) MAN: Ow! I'm gonna kill you. Lance, stop it! ELECTRONIC VOICE: Fight. Fight. Fight. (ALL EXCLAIM) (ALL SHOUT) Damn! (ALL EXCLAIM) (ALL GASP) Ohh! Ahh! Ahh! Hey! (YELPS) Get off me! Ahh! ELECTRONIC VOICE: Ow. Ow. Ow. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. (HIP-HOP MUSIC) (MIAOWS) MAN: Stop! Hey! (HORN BLARES) Get outta the way! No brakes! Get outta the way! (SCREAMS) Hey! Look out! (GRUNTS) Ahh! (CRASH!) (GROANS) (GRUNTS) How did you...? I can't believe it. You just saved that old lady's life! Amazing. I guess...if I hadn't have pushed her out of the way, she would have die... Ohh! (DOG WHIMPERS) Ahh! (MACHINE WHIRRS) (WHIMPERS) You should be really proud of yourself. You're some kind of...hero. If you could excuse me... (BAM! BAM!) There we go. Awfully nice of you to help me out here, Trey. No problem. I'm waiting on Rick anyway, so... (BAM!) Whoa. My God! How did you do that? Uh...it's easier than it looks. (BAM!) Aagh! Aagh! No, I don't think so. Why don't you tell me what's going on? (TREY SCREECHES) Alright, well, there is something, OK? But you have to keep it a secret. Uh... I think I have...superpowers. I find that hard to believe. Alright. How about this? Go ahead and throw as many punches as you want. I bet you a hundred bucks you don't land one. Easy money. What else can you do? Well, I don't know. I was bitten by a dragonfly. Some dragonflies have armoured skin. I... I wonder if my skin is... Ahh! Ohh! Well, good thing that worked. So you do have superpowers! We could be a team! We gonna get fame, money... Don't forget the bitches. There's not gonna be fame and there's not gonna be bitches! OK? I didn't ask for any of this. I just want to be like everybody else. That isn't what your parents wanted for you. You're not my father. But I love you like your father did. I believe in you like your father did! I had sex with your mother just like your father did! You'll never understand me. Never! ALBERT: That isn't what your parents wanted for you... (ECHOES) ..parents wanted for you... parents wanted for you... What a great performance. Well, Rick, did you enjoy the opera? Son? Something troubling you? It's so unfair. They have nothing. I want to change things. And you will. One day, Rick, people will look to you to be a hero. When that day comes, will you be ready? Gimme your wallet! (GASPS) That too! No! DAD: People will look to you to be a hero. When that day comes, will you be ready? Rick! Ohh! Oh! Ohh! (GRUNTS) Ahh! Huh? Ohh! Rick, please! Ahh! Dad! Oh, Rick. I'm dying. No! Don't worry. My brother Albert will take you in. Rick, the money - it's all yours now. Sell all shares of a small company called Google. It's worthless. Invest heavily in Enron. Rick, I have something for you. Reach into my coat pocket. (GUNSHOT) (GROANS) The other coat pocket! (GUNSHOT) Ugh! That ring was my father's, and his father's before him. Earn it, Rick. Be a hero. Claim your... (CHOKES) (SPLUTTERS) ..destiny. Dad! I'm no superhero. I'm nobody! Arggh! MAN: Shut up, for God's sake! I will kill you! (CLATTERING) (MACHINE-GUN FIRE) (CAT SQUEALS) (GLASS SMASHES) (SIGHS) Are you OK? What, you heard that? You're nothing but an ugly, ungrateful little whore! Just like your mother! Who was that? My mother. Listen, about what happened at school this morning. I... You really freaked us out. I'm really going through a tough time right now. Me too. My parents, they want me to go to college. But...I want to be a dancer. I believe in you. You really do, don't you? I wish I could say the same for Lance. I don't know, is he the right one or am I just dating him to rebel against my father? He doesn't want any boy near me. (BUZZ!) That's why he installed the electrified fence. Well, we'll see. You can't run from your destiny, right? Right. (ENGINE REVS, HORN BEEPS) LANCE: Jill, let's go. Nice car. Maybe one day you could take me for a ride in your car. Uh... Uh... Yeah. Yeah, definitely. (LAUGHS QUIETLY) (BIRDS TWITTER) Oh! Lovebirds! (SIGHS) Rick, this is Professor Xavier. Your powers are growing but you can't control it. It's important that you... ..become a hero. Train yourself to fly. ..your ass because... ..squatting on a glass table... Two girls. One cup. You know what to do. This shouldn't take long. Well, I'll be waiting right here. I've reviewed your request for a loan, Mr Riker, but with no job, no credit history, I'm afraid I have to say no. But what about this? That was last month. This new promotion's proving quite popular. Look, I need to buy a car. Frankly, Mr Riker, you're the worst applicant we've ever had. Thanks for the loan, Mr Thompson. (LAUGHS) This is a good boy. There must be something I could do. Ma'am, rubbing my crotch under the desk won't change my mind. I'm not rubbing your crotch! I really need that car. I don't see how that's my problem. (GUNSHOT, SCREAMING) MAN: Stop! Nobody move! Everybody stay down. Stay down! Get down. (DING!) Oh! Come on, move it! Let's go! Oh, hey, I made the same mistake before when I came in. Thanks. You idiot! You let him get away with our money! I don't see how that's my problem. (GUNSHOT) MAN: Oh, man! Wow! Let me through. Let me through. (CIRCUS MUSIC) (MONKEY SHRIEKS) Oh, thank God. I thought something terrible had happened. Well, an old guy did get shot over there. Uncle Albert! Just try to breathe. (STRAINS) I can't. You're kneeling on my balls. Oh! Sorry. (POLICE SIREN WAILS) Rick, listen. With great power comes... Great responsibility? I was gonna stick with 'bitches', but if you wanna be a virgin for the rest of your life... Uncle Albert! My balls! Very good. (COMPUTER BLEEPS RAPIDLY) (GASPS) (COFFEE CUP BREAKS) (GASPS) Oh, God. Mr Landers! (WHIMPERS) (SIGHS CONTENTEDLY) Oh, no. (STRAINS) Hide the body. Hide the body, yeah. (STRAINS) (BANGING) Get...get... (GRUNTS) OK, I come back. (MACHINE BEEPS STEADILY) Jill? I came as soon as I heard. This is all my fault. Rick, it was an armed robbery. There was nothing you could have done. I could have stopped that guy before he shot my uncle. MAN: Rick Riker? Yes? Dr Whitby. What brought you here today? My uncle. Your uncle brought you? No, he's gravely injured. Well, then, he shouldn't be driving. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to perform a breast exam. Doctor, please! Is my uncle gonna survive? Well, I'm not a betting man, but if you want to put some money on it, I'll take dead in a week. Oh, my God! No, it's alright. It's a normal emotional reaction. But this should take the edge off it. Here we go. Nice and easy. That's your vein. Yes, I knowwwwww... (THUD!) First my parents, and now this? I'm nothing but a screw-up. Yes, your life has been a testament to that. But your uncle believed in you, and so do I. It's never too late to become the person you're meant to be. (MAN'S VOICE ECHOES) Rick. Rick. Hello, Rick. Who are you? And how do you know my name? I'm a psychic. Prove it. Think of any number between one and a million and I'll tell you what it is. Nine. Not out loud, dumb-ass! Follow me, dumb sonofabitch. My name is Professor Xavier and this is my school. I started it to help people with special talents like yours. All the students here learn to harness their incredible talents and use them to advance the common good. (BOYS LAUGH) (CRUNCH!) Oh! Ow! Here we have children who can walk through walls. We have children who think they can walk through walls. Arggh! Some faces may be familiar. Like Wolverine. Other mutants you probably didn't know existed. Like Sneezo. Most of our students are born with their powers. Some, like you, gained them later in life. Oh, is that...? Yes, it is. When he came to this school, he weighed 130lb. Take enough 'roids, you can do anything. Arggh! Back up off those pills, Barry. (TOILET FLUSHES) Why have you brought me here? Because you have the potential to be the best. But I can't even fly. Once you understand the true nature of heroism, you will fly. But first I must teach you the secret to becoming a superhero. Hey, Storm, you look like you're putting on a little weight. (WIND BLOWS) Arggh! Oh! So, Professor, about this secret... Well, you see... WOMAN: Xavier! Oh, shit. Well? You want to explain why I found her hiding in your closet? Pumpkin, I don't see nobody! Oh, you don't? Oh! Invisible Girl? Apparently not invisible enough. If you knew how to take care of your man, this wouldn't have happened. No, she didn't. Oh, this bitch is crazy. I'm gonna have to whip your ass. You don't say no disrespect... What are you gonna do, baldy? (THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!) Whoa! Oh! Ow! (LAUGHS) Saw you then. Ohhh! Now what? Now, how about that, Invisabitch? Whatever. I'm outta here. How could you do this to me? To your kids? To your newborn baby? How do I know that baby's even mine? Because he can do this. Shit! (THUD!) Oh! Oh, man. Now I'm never gonna know the secret of becoming a superhero. You wanna know the secret? Come close. Oh! Make a costume, shithead! I swear to God, they get dumber and dumber every year. A costume. (KNOCK AT DOOR) Rick, you, uh... Oh, my God. Damn! Dude, you're like a real superhero, man. (LAUGHS) I love the mask. How you breathe in it, though? What's that sound? (HISSING) You put some kind of air intake in the mask. Boy, you better... Now, I'm assuming that the material's see-through, right? Yeah. Dude, I'm gonna tell you something, Rick. This is good. I'm impressed. Like, really impressed. Hey, that's my spot. You're sitting on my gargoyle. Move it. Excuse me? What are you even doing here? I'm looking seriously out over the city. Well, that's what I do here, so if you're not moving, I guess we're gonna have to share. OK, fine. Uh, I can't perch like this. Yeah, me neither. What's your name? Jock Storm. Dragonfly. So, what's your power? What's my power? Stand back. Flame on! Whoa! (LAUGHS) Uh? Uh? Arggh! I'm on fire! Get a blanket or something! Holy shit! Get the fire extinguisher! Arggh! Arggh! Oh, no! Arggh! God! You idiot! Stop! Arggh! What's wrong with you? Arggh! ARGGH! Arggh! Argggghhhhhh! (THUD!) Oooh! Sorry, my bad. (CAR ALARM BLARES) XAVIER: Rick, once you understand the true nature of heroism, you will fly. (THUD!) RICK: Shit. Ohhh! MAN: Ugh! (GRUNTING) This Dragonfly - he's not even a hero. I have...I have...just, uh... God. (LAUGHS) He can't... He can't even fly. (LAUGHS) The Dragonfly can't even fly. (LAUGHS) I can fly, OK? I can fly. This just in - Tom Cruise is dead. Strom, do you have my test results? I'm afraid you have to kill each day to live each day. Unless you had some cerillium. Take a look. Hawking's lab is in the physics building. I could just walk right in. You're going to steal cerillium? No. Not me. But perhaps there's someone inside me, someone who will, at any cost, survive! (LAUGHS) Oh! Oh. Glass in my eye. Glass in my eye. Shit. Does it hurt? Uh, yeah, it hurts. Well, if you could spread them with your fingers. Push your lids with your fingers. Two...two...two fingers? Are your fingers clean? That's it. And roll your eyeball around. Roll it and then push it. I'm rolling it. Dig it out with another piece of glass. Are you frickin' insane? I'll get the tweezers. MAN: Read about the Dragonfly - world's greatest hero. Right here. Yep. Read all about it. No, you listen to me. I want that story on my desk or you're fired! Who the hell are you?! I was wondering if you had a job opening for a... Job?! How dare you come in here and ask me for a job! I'm the editor-in-chief! I know the Mayor of Venus. Hamburgers can see the future... Sorry about this. We share the building with a mental hospital. Bad news, boss. We're nowhere on those Dragonfly photos. Damn. Those were tomorrow's lead. What about these? Wow! It's almost like... you're the Dragonfly. Uh, no, no, no. See? Look. Now, that's photography. Just heard on the scanner. Some kind of police stand-off at Empire University. We'll need photos. Kid, I want you to... Where'd he go? (SIREN WAILS) OFFICER: Right, let's go. This is the chief of police. We have the building surrounded. Come out with your hands up. (SHRILL WHINE) What the hell is that? I am the Hourglass. And your time is up. Arggh! Oooh! (ONLOOKERS SHOUT) WOMAN: Get him, Dragonfly. (GRUNTS) It's useless to resist. I'll fight you to my last breath. Like the sands of time, I am unceasing and relentless. Evil never triumphs, Hourglass. You'll pay for your crimes and justice will be... Stop. Stop. Stop. (GURGLING) Are you OK? No. (VOMITS) Titanium blades. They cut through diamonds. I'm not wearing any diamonds. (GRUNTS) Ow! Ow! I wish I could stay longer, Dragonfly, but I just don't have the time. Titanium blades. Looks like someone found your weakness. It's not my weakness. Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot. Your weakness is that you can't fly. Maybe if you had a partner... I don't need help. I'm fine all by myself. She means a lot to you, doesn't she? What? Oh...oh, no, I... I mean, she's with someone else. Well, maybe that's for the best. After all, it could be dangerous - you know, being the girlfriend of the Dragonfly. I don't know what to do, Aunt Lucille. I love her. So be it. But remember, to get to you, your enemies will attack the people you care for the most. Be careful not to hurt the ones you love. Whoever this Dragonfly is, he's in over his head. We don't need so-called superheroes. What Empire City needs is more cops. And a Hooters. Jill! Rick? I heard you were auditioning for a part, so... Oh! They're beautiful! God, you are so supportive. Why can't Lance be more like you? There's...something you're not telling me, isn't there? Something secret. Something locked away deep inside. Well, there is... AUNT LUCILLE: Keep your identity a secret, Rick...Rick... (ECHOES) TREY: Dude, you're like a real superhero, man...man... (ECHOES) UNCLE ALBERT: Once a month, you'll bleed from your vagina... ..vagina...vagina... (ECHOES) I... Nothing. Nothing? Well, I should go. You're a good friend. (SIGHS) MAN: Hey, check this out. Look at that, man. MAN: Come on. Oh, shit. Let's go! Get her! (GASPS) Ugh! Ugh! Oh! (CLANGING) Arggh! Oh! (ATTACKER GROANS REPEATEDLY) Arggh! (SNAP!) Oh, God, it hurts, it hurts. Oh, God! Please stop. I'm begging you. (GROANS REPEATEDLY) (THUD!) (THUNDER CRACKS) Oh, wait! Where are you? Behind you. You saved my life. Don't I get to thank you? (STEEL RATTLES) (STEEL RATTLES) (THUNDER RUMBLES) (POLICE SIREN WAILS) Go. Be a hero. Yeah. (MUTTERS) For God's sake! The paperclip guy! I'm so happy that you and your boyfriend are spending Thanksgiving with us. Of course, Lucille. You need support at a time like this. Yes, I miss seeing my Albert each morning. You know, 50 years of marriage creates quite a bond. I wish I knew love like that. Oh, you will, dear. You just have to follow your heart. That's the thing - I don't know if I can. Oh, Jill, if you can't trust yourself, who can you trust? I know. But what if my heart is telling me to be with someone I can't be with. (CAT SCREECHES) It's not just any guy, it's the... Forget it. You'll think I'm crazy. No, of course not. You can tell me anything. I'm very good at keeping secrets. Well, you'll think it's ridiculous but it's the Dra... (DOORBELL RINGS) I'll get it. Hey, babe. Oh, I forgot to tell you, I kind of invited my uncle. Your uncle? What? Set another plate. Well, OK, I guess. Miss Johnson, please excuse my nephew's poor manners. Thank you. Ms Adams, Lou Landers. I hope this isn't too much of an imposition. Oh, of course not. There's always room for one more. Thank you. It's just Thanksgiving's for family. Lance is the only family I have. I never married. Fruitcake? No, just never met the right woman. Ah, yes! Lance told me that Rick Riker was your neighbour. Where is Rick? (THUDS HEAVILY) Well, that's odd. I thought he was out. I'll go check on him. Uh, please, you're busy. Allow me. Thank you. Upstairs, second door to the right. (SLURPS) Ahh! (UNZIPS ZIPPER) (URINATES LOUDLY) (KNOCK AT DOOR) Rick? Hmm. Hmm. (DRIP!) (SPLASH!) (SPLASH!) (SPRINKLER SPRAYS) (MUTTERS) Damn. Sonofa... (SIGHS ANGRILY) (THUD!) Sorry I'm late. Oh, Mr Landers. Rick. No, you're just on time. Everybody take your seats. Ahh. Uh-uh-uh! Not until we say grace. Jesus! ALL: Amen! Please, start, everyone. This looks so delicious, Lucille. Well, we have Rick to thank for it. Ever since Albert... Rick has been supporting me with his new job. New job? You didn't tell me. Oh, I'm sort of the Dragonfly's unofficial photographer. What happened to your arm? Uh... A bike messenger knocked me down. I see your wrist is bandaged. Yes, I burnt it on some hot coffee. And you have a cut on your lip. Uh... My crack-pipe broke. You have a scratch on your neck. Yes, I met a girl on craigslist. And you have a bruise on your neck. I met a... ..guy on craigslist. I'm sorry, Lance. We have to go. Why? I... ..shat my pants. (CUTLERY CLATTERS) (SIGHS) I'll drive. (SNORES QUIETLY) Thanks for helping clean up. Of course. The poor thing's so tired. Yeah, well, you know old folks after a big meal. So, you know the Dragonfly? Uh, yeah, I guess. You could sort of say we're close. Has he... Has he ever asked about me? Um, yeah. Yeah, once. What did you tell him? Well, I said... I told him... I told him, "The thing about Jill is... "..when you look in her eyes and she looks back in yours, you..." (FART!) (FARTS LOUDLY) "..you know that you'd do anything - "anything - to be a better person than you are so that..." (LUCILLE FARTS) "..if you were ever lucky enough to be with her "you could earn every second of her perfect..." (LUCILLE FARTS WETLY) "..grace and her limitless beauty..." (LUCILLE FARTS) "..and her unending love." Don't cry. I'm not. My eyes are burning. Rick, I want you to know that was the most beautiful thing that anyone's ever said to me. (LUCILLE FARTS) Scented candle? Thank you. Rick, I'm so confused. And yet... (FARTS) ..I know exactly what I want. (LUCILLE FARTS) Ohh! Sorry to drop in uninvited. It's OK. We were hoping someone would open a window. It was getting stuffy in here. So, this is the lair of the Dragonfly. How did you...? No, no, no. I'm not here to fight you. I've got thousands of other people I plan to kill. This little visit is just to show you who'll get hurt if you get in my way. Never! Ohh. Time to go. (SCREAMS) (FARTS) REPORTER: The woman, Lucille Adams of East Empire City, was badly injured. REPORTER: How was she injured? Badly. What about the Dragonfly? All I can tell you is this - he didn't save anyone tonight. Doctor, how is she? I'm afraid your aunt's taken a turn for the worse. She can't speak, she can't walk, she has no control over her bowels. That's awful. I know. I went ahead and set up a MySpace page for her under 'Crazy Shit Machine'. She already has 40 friends. Wait a minute - that's somebody else's aunt. Your aunt has no problem with her bowels. Oh, thank God. Because she's dead. Truly sorry, Rick. But there is a silver lining. Your uncle came out of his coma this morning. He did? Yes, but you mustn't tell him about your aunt just yet. He's in a delicate mental state. The slightest bit of bad news could send him spiralling right back into a coma. I understand. Mr Adams, you have a visitor. Is it Lucille? No, sir, it's not your dead wife. It's your nephew, Rick. (QUIETLY) Remember, no bad news. Now, sir, here you go, this is my bill. You did surgery on me? Uh, yes, sir, we confused you with one of our sex-change patients. But don't worry, we didn't remove your penis. We did cut your testicles off. But, well, since your wife's dead, you won't be needing them anyway. You want to keep his spirits up. He'll land on his feet in no time. MAN: We are gathered today to say goodbye to Lucille Adams. ALL: Goodbye! And now the eulogy. ALBERT: It's tragic to think this is the last time that I can look upon my wife's face. God, Lucille! How could you take her from me? I can't live without her! Arggh! (ALL GASP) Lucille! (SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY) We're sorry. There's been a terrible mistake. This is your wife. (ALL GASP) Arggh! She is this man's wife. Give me five minutes. (ALL GASP) I'm not finished. (SNIFFS) You're one lucky guy. Now, where's Lucille? Ah, Lucille. (ALL SCREAM) I do have this coupon for a cremation. Rick... ..I am so sorry for your loss. What is it? I know I said some things but now, more than ever, I realise we can never be together. I don't believe you. You love me, Rick. I know you do. Jill, trust me. I'm telling you this for your own good. I... I don't love you. You're no longer in my five. How could you?! SONG: # When I was young # I never needed anyone # Making love was just for fun # Those days are gone # All by myself # Don't wanna be # All by myself # Anymore # All by myself # Don't wanna be # All by myself # Any more # (CAN SLUSHES) Ohh. You can't keep getting lucky, man. You only beat me by two strokes this time and the back nine is what kille... My God. Look at this place. Yo, what are you doing, man? You gotta pull yourself together, dude. What's the point? (SUCKS) Look at you, eating junk food, wearing fake beards. And we found your costume in the garbage outside. Yeah, well, I'm not the Dragonfly anymore. But you said the Hourglass was gonna kill thousands of people. Look, I told you, I'm no hero. Aunt Lucille's dead, I rejected the only girl I've ever loved and...and I can't even fly. God, I wish I'd never been bitten by that stupid dragonfly. And maybe your father shouldn't have given you this after all. Look at the words your ancestors inscribed on that ring - honour, valour, sacrifice, duty, commitment, bravery, justice, integrity, brotherhood, self-esteem, low prices, affordable housing, loose-fitting pants, cheap Internet porn... The rest is in Latin. Rick, the hero's path is dangerous. You may fail or you may fly. All that matters is that you do it for the best of reasons - helping others, Rick, that's what makes you a real hero. Maybe you're right. But even if I wanted to stop the Hourglass, I wouldn't know where to start. I mean, where's he gonna find thousands of people in one place? Look. ..live from the Empire City Convention Center where thousands of people are in one place but none of them more important than the attendees of the World Humanity Awards. I'll drive. I'll drive. (TYRES SCREECH) Ugh! Arggh! Well, that short cut through the playground sure saved us some time. You go ahead. I'll find a place to park. CHILD: Mister, please, stop. Each year the World Humanity Awards are held to honour the greatest achievements on behalf of all humanity. This gala event is expected to draw the world's most prestigious leaders to Empire City. Excuse us. 'Empire City Times'. Damn, look, they've got Prince Charles. And Nelson Mandela! Nelson! Hey, I was in jail too, man. One of the guests here is the Hourglass. But which one? Thank you so much for inviting us, Mr Landers. Well, when you're being honoured by the world you want your family with you. Perhaps one day you could be part of our family too. (SNIFFS AND SNORTS) Ladies and gentlemen, our first award is for the medical breakthrough of the year. For his company's pioneering work in the field of feminine hygiene, I award Lou Landers Douchebag of the Year. (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (SINGS) # Douchebag # He's the Douchebag of the Year # Now, ain't he great, folks? # Ain't he grand? # The Douchebag of the Year! # # Douchebag # He's Mr Douchebag of the Year # Look at him smile, look at him shine # He's the Douchebag of... # The Douchebag of the Year... # REPORTER: Hold up the douchebag, sir! Stop right there, Landers. Mr Riker. So, you know? You're damn right I do. Someone in this auditorium is the Hourglass. I need your help to figure out who it is. Now, the Hourglass could be anyone - a guest of honour... (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) ..maybe even a stagehand. This may be nothing, but I did see a man with what looked like a canister of cerillium. Who? PRESENTER: This year's Lifetime Achievement... Him. ..in Humanity Award goes to one of the world's greatest souls, His Holiness, the Dalai Lama. (AUDIENCE SCREAMS) This man isn't who you think he is. He's the Hourglass. No, no, I'm a man of peace. Shut up! You're plotting to kill all these people and I can prove it. Show the world the armour you're hiding under these robes! (ALL GASP) You can't fool me, Hourglass. You're packing 10 pounds of cerillium under there. What?! (ALL SCREAM) (CAMERA CLICKS) MAN: Take him down! Arggh! Tutu! Peace! Pe... (MONKS CHANT) ELECTRONIC VOICE: Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit... You. You're the Hourglass. Hourglass! HeroCon? It's a convention for people who like to dress up as their favourite heroes and villains. By the way, your costume sucks. Outta my way! Hourglass, you'll never get away with this! Forget it, Dragonfly. You're too late! (LAUGHS) RUN! (GASPS) Arggh! Yeah! (GROANS) Arggh! (TUTS) (GROANS) Goodbye... ..little fly. Dragonfly! No! Arggh... Oh! Well... Arggh! (GROANS) (MAN CRIES OUT) ELECTRONIC VOICE: Dragonfly, you must stop the Hourglass. (SIGHS) I can't. I can't fly. If there is one lesson my life can teach it is that the spirit is stronger than the body. The hero comes from within. Those are Celine Dion lyrics. Whatever. It's still true. You're right! (STRAINS) It's working. Ugh! Sorry. Watch, Dragonfly, as your city dies! (LAUGHS) Arggh! Where am I? You're with me, your lover. What? Ohh! Dragonfly! No! No! Only now do you understand. (GRUNTS) What...? Oh, come... Arggh! (RAPID BEEPING) I need you to yank this off. Yeah. There's not enough time. Oh, fuck! Ohh! Arggh! It's over. JILL: Dragonfly! Jill! Gotcha! Rick? You didn't think I'd let anything happen to the girl I love, did you? Well, we're still falling. Damn! Oh, if only I could fly. Maybe I wasn't cut out to be a hero. You know, maybe I was meant to have a normal job. An accountant, a gym teacher. (BIRD SQUAWKS) This is a really tall building. Rick, I don't care what happens anymore. If I die, I die happily in your arms. You're my hero, Rick Riker, and I love you. Yes! Oh, thank God! We only had 50 storeys left. Hang on! ELECTRONIC VOICE: Thank you, Dragonfly. Because of you our city is safe at last. You said it, Dr Hawking. Shit! Well, it's a happy ending for us all. Let's go get some dinner. I'm buying. RICK: Who am I? I'm Rick Riker. I'm the Dragonfly. And as long as there's crime and injustice, I will forever be a superher... ('SUPERBOUNCE' BY DRAKE BELL PLAYS) www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2014 My dad says my breasts are too big for a dancer. Maybe he's right. I mean, look at them. They're just huge, worthless, floppy weights. Yes. Worthless. Dr Hawking. I am such a fan. I'd love to show you my project on supernovas. STEPHEN HAWKING: You have an incredible ass... ...stronomy career ahead of you. Wait. Where's Saturn? I'd hate to lose my father's bowling ball. There it is. Gentlemen, if you're ready,... (COUGHS) allow me to show you the future. From the` From` Lift it over. Lift it over. Can you fly? No. No. Can you see through walls? No. No. Can you see through a tube top? No. No. Can you fix a prostate? Strom, you have my test results? Whatever you're doing to your victims rejuvenates you, but only for 24 hours. Hmm. What if I killed 28 people in one session? Would that give me a month to live? If it were February, yes. You. You're the Hourglass. It's a pity you saw that, my dear. Perhaps this will help you forget. (GASPS) What are you doing? Take me. This, uh... This, uh... This turtleneck's really strangling me. You have no idea. I'd let you` I'd give this off the skin of my back to you. A knock-off. You can have it on the way out. Old MacDonald had a farm, and Bingo was his name-o. And, uh, that's, uh... (SNORES) (SNORES) Tom. > (SNORES) Tom. > (LAUGHS) I'm, uh... (LAUGHS) I got it. I'm good. I know what you're doing. I know what you're doing. I'm not doing anything. > I just` I just wanted to ask you, um` Stop. Just shut up. Shut up. Hey. Hey. But you wanted to` > But you wanted to` > Stop. Stop. OK, but you did say` You agreed to be here, and you said that you would talk about some of the rumours` Shut. Up. ALL LAUGH # Douchebag. # He's the douchebag of the year. # Now, ain't he great, folks? Ain't he grand? # The douchebag of the year. # Douchebag. Mr Douchebag of the year. # Look at him smile. Look at him shine. He's the douchebag of, # the douchebag of the year. # This is the guy who wipes Wolverine's butt. Where have you been? What am I supposed to do? Sorry. Sorry. Sorry doesn't wipe my ass. Come on. Put some shoulder into it. Are you going right now? (LAUGHS) Dragonfly! CROWD GASPS People throw some crazy shit in the trash. CROWD CHEERS Amazing. Do you work with the Dragonfly? Yes, he does. We're a team. What do they call you? Me? They call me the Incredible... Black C` Rooster. He's the Incredible Black Rooster. If I may sir. In 2003, Mr Landers won the National Science Award for his invention of the non-stick toilet seat. Ooh! That thing saved my grandma's life. She big. MAJESTIC MUSIC Excuse me. There is a line. Argh! No, you're killing him all wrong. It's like this. Argh! Better. Argh! Oh, shit. It's so unfair. They have nothing. Why do we have $2 billion? Well, your grandfather left us $3 billion, and I made some bad investments. But that's nothing for you to worry about. I've got tomorrow's editorial. 'When you sleep with someone, 'you're sleeping with everyone they ever slept with. Does that make you gay? Yes! Yes, it does!' Well, someone will think twice before they try to steal a pack of gum from you again. This is going to be difficult for you, Rick, but you need to identify the body. This isn't my aunt. Yes, that's why it's so difficult. MAJESTIC MUSIC BOTH TALK INDISTINCTLY Where's Aunt Lucille? She's at home under heavy sedation. They made her watch three hours of women's basketball. ADVENTUROUS MUSIC I wanna be a dancer. I bet you're great. I am pretty flexible. Unless you had some cerulium. Then you could create a device powerful enough to draw the life force out of thousands of people and enhance your own cellular capacity! Strom. You're a genius. Wikipedia. OMINOUS MUSIC (SIGHS) ('I NEED A HERO' BY SARA PAXTON PLAYS)